Adventurer #13 31 марта 2002

Самиздат

Ottyag - Army Suxx or How zakosit from the army, if you are completely healthy.

       (C) Vovan aka Chasm



         How zakosit from the army,

        if you're completely healthy


     I want to share their experiences from mowing armeyki. 
After graduation in Academy (where I basically went to

slope of 5 years from the Army), I wondered
the question of how to continue not to go into this
shitty place. You can, of course, was fully encrypted or not 
live at registration (as did some of my friends), but I decided 
not to bathe, as I cops on the street could pick up in a 
drunken form (yes, I admit that I - an alcoholic, and

without booze I can not live). So I decided
mow globally, as was completely
healthy at the time (unless
consider alcoholism, and with it take all).


          The first postponement for a year


     As it turned out, I have a friend
physician in the HPC (Skin-Venereal Dispensary), and I decided 
to take the case. Buy a Battle brandy and lemons, I went to a 
lousy (in the normal sense word) doctor. Understood my problem, 
he offered me the following shnyaga: I cry

Decl money, for what it makes me "sick" syphilis - the real 
slope of armeyki year (such as health inspections during the 
year). Of course, I prus from this and ebayu the draft board, 
where it is stated dermatologist, I had syphilis in the latent 
form, which is found in HPC. He is and prescribes Bypass 
medical sheet, with whom I huyachu to a friend the doctor. As 
it turned out, dude cut a double-grandmother: because It was 
96'y year and treatment of registered patients were free, but 
recorded some really sick was in Zapara (especially when 
meeting with a doctor), they are also a natural approach to 
this dude. And then there was such a picture: I - a fictitious 
patient, and the other guy (friend of the doctor) wants to 
anonymously Zapara without cure for a minimum of Syphax bubble. 
He (the patient), donate blood, and I type being treated. ;-) I 
make the diagnosis - latent syphilis, ie, no external signs 
(inflammation of the lymph nodes, etc.) and my Diagnosis can be 
verified only analysis blood, as well as the recruiting office 
in Yaroslavl such a procedure, in principle, do not, then

I'm not steaming, especially easy on the food I Yarik
medical examination. There are of course all be amazed, but
nothing with me syphilitic can not do it. Doctor yelling: "But 
you steal - you do not the patient would have been possible, I 
would have you did a blood test !!!", but in the end, plugging 
and wrote in my case personally a label such as: "to hell with 
him, let him year in the civilian world hang out, but if

Next time he will again be patient Syphax, then take it over 
the gills and shoving in the particularly remote northern 
garrison "(this is I read on the train, took his job in the 
accompanying when they booze). In general, I quietly put off 
for a year, but there Soon comes the real appeal, and I 
understand that the freebie with Syphax no longer rolls. 


             Global bank


     I have many friends dudes
who mowed down by the army to Durkee. That is
they are basically normal (though as of course to watch ;-)), 
but the diagnoses have global - such as some work not normally 
take (as the chief said employment offices of the railway, one 
my friend potsu: "We do not want Anna Karenina." But I was 
absolutely the drum on this, as I have

real-informal work (taxes must
die) - the restoration of icons (like I Coins
patterns in gold - almost by profession, received the Academy - 
"Automated processing of metals pressure "). Now, I understand 
that zakos on Durkee - the most realistic at this moment. I've 
come up with a scenario in which involved my older brother 
(older than me 10 years) and mother, I write everything down on 
paper (Guided by information obtained

from friends and acquaintances) and gave them to read and
cut one's way, though I warn that
my Druganov anything about Durkee did not speak, lest they be 
spoiled Mazu, appearing The next day I visit. The day of the 
"X", ie I zadolbali calls from the recruiting office, such as: 
"Here you Vladimir Yu, had to come to us, but did not come, we 
have already found a place for you - Machine Muhosranske led (I 
type right there on the "C"). Well, I think - fucked complete, 
we should start the show. Waiting for the evening, take 
caution, such as razors, bar in the bathroom and start quietly 
cutting venyaki, moreover, do it thoughtfully, so as not to 
damage to the tendons (and then later as Claudia trample?). 
Catching Kroviniu of venyaka I tsezhu floor Decl blood, take a 
few cosmetic cuts around the wound (such as

waving a razor backhand), writing on krovischey
sex "Game is OVER !!!!!!!..." until krovischi enough and begin 
to earnestly waiting to come skoryak, its type bratuha aroused 
when I started to open venyak (he told to go and waved his 
hand). Twenty minutes later come to the doctor, breaking into a 
castle in the bathroom (such as witness, in case I already sent 
the horses) and see the following picture: on the floor in a 
puddle krovischi resting potsa full autism.

I try to take a white hand, to speak of "Come on, Che you 
drive, but I diligently pose as a hose that

fuck all, and he (the hose) is lying and will lie. In the end, 
they are able to I got up and down the stairs to the car, 
though I have diligently represented by Dustin Hoffman in "Rain 
Man'a" shoved me into the car and I hear this market:



     - We ought to take him to a psychiatric hospital, and he 
is already a mother at full zadolbal program - does not work, 
no one speaks, sits on her neck, if he does not drink in one's 
snout, so all day sitting at a computer and playing silly 
games, and Now that's a garbage did well,

I went to their house, but then he would just
Skates moved, - says Dr. bratuha
ambulance.


     - But where there Durkee. - The doctor scratched his 
reputation. - We have every day of 10 people will be exposed 
and if they all in Durkee - the place at all is not enough. 
Come on, in general, travmopunkt his hand sew, but we'll see. 


     Took me injury, was put on
couch and began to wait in line to the doctor
(Hand view). I'm not saying anything, I try to watch at one 
point and pretend that I am at all this shit. Then there was 
the beginning of November, well in my shirt and taken from an 
apartment in travmopunkte cold, and I have a runny nose - snot 
ran down, and wipe them in any way (like I'm in a stupor), in

Overall, having failed to obtain from me no
words, I decided with the consent of his brother take him to a 
psychiatric hospital. Here comes stupid skoryak, and I was able 
to shlangoobraznom taken to the hospital. We arrived at Durkee, 
I did who do not say I was stripped, given pajamas have thrown 
at shkonku in the supervised House - the type that does not 
hang himself with a sheet. I lie, in general, and think: 
"Start". We must stick to the line of conduct and be silent day 
or even three. Lying chasing - not sleep well, there is a nurse 
and prosekli vhuyachili me relahi cubes five. The next morning 
I wake up, piss and want to know what to mess oneself by 
oneself (that zapadlo), or represent, that I feel better and 
have a little walk I myself can not. Piss, bummed a smoke. Here 
breakfast and sat down search in the plate, but did not eat

become - like fuck me for food. In general protusovalsya hungry 
all morning. Apparently, at the However, in Durkee came his 
mother and talked with the doctor, among other things (that the 
doctor said yesterday his brother), she accidentally ;-) 
Mentioned that I am supposed to hear at night brownie, which I 
played at Fano (I his time studying at a music school).

Besides, this house-she had never heard, and if so, doctors 
conclude I - schizo, and these sounds only in my

head. You guessed it, this joke, I
he thought, comparing with the real fact. There is a coterie 
hairy dude in the city of Rybinsk klikuhe Kotsan (though really 
sick delirium tremens), so he, He argued, can adjust the sound

Tape telepathically. While driving
it quite seriously, and at the request of the boys to show how 
he does it for a long time drove over the volume control arms, 
claiming that the volume changes although the actual tape 
yelling continued. Sometime after lunch, I pulled to the

The doctor, I sip a hose into the office,
I sit on a chair. It starts me tenderly
questioning what has happened to me, why I did not talk to 
anyone and etc., and then I give the next run,

come in handy: "We are the hollow men
We stuffed animals, not humans. Bow together
trash in your head, mumbling along quietly and
dry, without feeling and essence, as wind in dry grass. Or a 
rat in a pile of glass and tin. "She really rushing and asks: 
"These are your poems?" I correctly say nothing, about a rust 
in full growth. It was a quote from Coppola's classic film 
"Apocalypse Now". There's this shnyaga chased the flying with 
coils colonel in the performance Marlon Brando. In general, 
having failed to obtain from I was no longer a single word, I 
was sent back to the ward. A separate tell us about the house 
under surveillance, called in common, "Menagerie." There are 
newcomers or completely hopeless patients. Some "people" worth 
discussing in some detail. 


     Lying there, former physics teacher, the
which was, in my opinion, three higher education, since it so 
tightly pripizdnulo that he almost never talked, and only for 
the cake or cookies, after much persuasion, could squeeze out 
only "Mama". So this former teacher

klikuhe "cmt_thatrademarc" (apparently from the name of goats), 
liked to make fun of them read: fell off the bed and rolled 
under the all beds, then got up and went back to his seat. This 
procedure it loved prodelyvat night, though at intervals of 
five minutes. He also liked run up the aisle and hit head 
against a cast-iron radiator radiators,

so fucking mouth he was always defeated in the blood, and to 
prevent it it often fixed to the bed (ie

bindings tied the hands and feet to
the holes in the frame of the bed).
By the way, to fix the patient and then
make fun of him (after hitting the pillow and
etc.) was a favorite pastime buhih nurses, during weekends or 
holidays, when the senior medical staff was not in the 
hospital. Of course, do not beat all, only the most 
"distinguished" and frostbitten. For example, the same 
cmt_thatrademarc, once shlopotal of the entire department (and 
nurses and patients), as upset over two fucking pot soup, cooks 
exposed for patients under the New Year's Eve. Their type

carried spilling past his bed, but he
caught sight of the Hawk and grabbed the tray. Result: no fools 
Hawk, cmt_thatrademarc and his entire bed in cabbage, potatoes 
and broth from where it is purified, simultaneously prescribing

pizdyuli. There was another patient punched on
nicknamed "Wedge" - Victor Klinov, so this
suffered from kleptomania. He could've stole s /
sleeping man almost everything. Told us that he once took down 
from the sleeping guy pajamas pants and pulled them over, 
though he did not even wake up. Personally, me, he stole two 
packs of whitefish, I wrapped them in pajamas, tied to his 
hand, shoved under the pillow. Finding the morning

that whitefish Klin stuffed in his mattress, after they broke, 
I'm pretty rigidly popizdil Wedge - but then nothing

I no longer vanishes, and Wedge called me only by name and 
patronymic. There has been a wedge another joke: brought once 
in the hospital dude. Dude zatarenny drove the full program,

ie whitefish, candy, cookies, etc., and so
as patients in the supervised House tables do not rely, he 
folded it all into a package and put it under the bed. Waking 
up Next morning, he sees the next picture - all of packages 
gutted and Wedge frantically pushes himself to sup sweets 
wrappers and trace pushes cookies moreover, gags, but still 
eating. Dude hueet from such outrage and begins to steal Klin. 
He yells "Fanitary, Fanitary !!!", Resorts medic sees that the 
wedge pussy, understands that to work, and costs

looks. Wedge ogrebaet dude blizzard him
by fucked. Medic looks, then so
lazy says: "I spoke to you Victor, do not eat many sweets - 
this teeth ache ";-) It's worth noting that all of the Wedge

lowered, and then he climbed into your personal belongings, it 
was thought - zapadlo. And because Why: Basically, like 
everyone, Klin customized whitefish and Hawk, but this freak 
preferred to eat and skurit all in one day. Then of course 
wanted to smoke, and therefore picking up cigarette butts from 
the floor or out of the bucket, where all the spit and 
sometimes Ssali (because the patients were 50 people in the 
department, and push only one), lay them all on radiator to 
dry, and wrapped raspotroshenny tobacco in the paper, which 
someone podtersya, though he vylavlival it the same bucket. Was 
at the zoo a few more cool cakes, one loved to sing Beatles' 
"Yesterday", portraying the hard playing guitar with both 
hands, though cut down on imaginary strings completely in the 
subject, the other to the question "How much time?" of life 
answered, "Five, six, soon Seven ", was another one of klikuhe" 
Humanoid "- such as blind-deaf-mute, which Life was lying in 
bed with his hands outstretched over the body, he mowed on some 
global group disability and portrayed sheer hose, it raised a 
couple of once a day, piss / shit, but at the Hawk -

rest of the time he was lying, but as I
remarked, was not deaf, because the
cotton around mug reacted very
perky, spitting in different directions. Were
of course, and even monsters, but I will tell them
below. Hang out for three days in silent
situation, I decided to gradually begin to talk, as I said on a 
date brother that I have a case of "very heavy" and with this 
diagnosis may hold Durkee in one year. This MAZ completely

rolled, so I started to "go out" from
stupor. While I was inspired by it is such garbage: all newly 
arrived patients and especially in such hoses from any I had 
built myself, medicines type "Haloperidol" appoint a 
subcutaneous injection, prescribed it to patients were passive, 
as "Haloperidol" shackles muscle activity. Wriggle out of this

It was impossible, since with the help of nurses, you'd still 
vmazali (saw it myself both knit and move rowdy). In this

drugs, there is one interesting side
effect (although it appears not all):
I started having problems urinating, ie I want to piss, but I 
can not, so as nerve impulses from the brain do not reach the 
bladder. Torment more days (a day I used to drink at least 
three liters of water), with round eyes, I ran to The doctor. 
Having understood my problem, I shirnuli some shnyaga ... Such 
a buzz I have not experienced ever before - even in the Moscow, 
when we ran for an hour at the center in search of a place 
piss, oppivshis beer. After that I stopped moving

and began to give the wheel, which I successfully
spit out, after the deal. Useful type
"Cyclodol" I was leaving, and the rest of the Batwa
thrown out of the vents (the benefit was already
winter and the snow could not see them). For example in the 
"cycle" could be traded them other ill "Azaleptin" powerful 
hypnotic, it really helped me fall asleep as the other wheels 
I've thrown away. But it is difficult to sleep: once brought 
one potsa, who had a brainstorm and he con pretty loud all 
night. After a while it became quite "Zaebis" and I was 
transferred to the elite first chamber, which lay very quiet 
and relatively normal, it was nishtyak - and then let me sleep 
in the zoo zadolbalo (predsvte: ezhenochnye Shmona Wedge, the 
cries of boisterous, Pruszcz of fools "voice" and constant 
light in the corridor). Once I type "out" from his stupor, I 
began to explain to doctors that all around the "gray" people 
"Gray" and life in general - shit. Also, I drove that 
constantly sitting at the computer and igruhi much more 
colorful and more realistic than everyday life. Asked about 
"Barabashka", and I certainly said that he very good, things 
are not throwing, but only play me at night lullabies. I 
listened carefully and wrote out pills flying out of windows. 
Around this time I started to drive on inspections: type

Rorschach, associative images
multi-colored cubes. Particularly, I make fun of
over the doctor during associative tests, I was asked to draw 
that I have been associated with the word "Friendship"

"Happiness," "Joy," etc. - I have all the
revolved around the casks with Simon and comp. Such as 
"Friendship" - jug, two cups and cucumbers, "Joy" - Amiga 4000 
with all bells and whistles, "Happiness" - the first and second

taken together. Then I was taken to another hospital to remove 
encephalogram Brain: nalepili to head off a bunch of

electrodes, in my opinion a couple of suckers on
hands to his heart, turned off the light in the room
and asked for a few minutes to close
eyes. But I already knew all that funny
activities: to your encephalogram
like a schizoid, we should just close your eyes and imagine 
that you are carrying at full speed in a car through a maze, 
often sharply braking and turning. That I make no difficulty, 
since I've specialists for a week before the got to Durkee, 
played "WipeOut Xl" in PS - Probably not for nothing was 
playing, as vkoryachili I'm not frail diagnosis: schizophrenia. 
With these cakes are not what the army - in the colony do not 
put, if you otmochite anything illegal. Learning about his 
diagnosis from his mother on a date once, I realized that the 
next cut without the MAZ and should gradually "recover"

and I, and so by the time lain
Durkee already more than a month, and if you do not
zhresh wheel from which all become
Deep Purple - it's very boring and
zaparno. It is worth probably tell you about daily life of 
Rybinsk Durkee. I lay even in an old building in the street 
Ukhtomskogo, now do not keep patients out there, but stayed 
only a dispensary so stupid skoryak. In general, it was like 
this: a two-storey building on the first floor of which was 
kitchen, dining room, bathroom (which is also laundry), as well 
as chamber for those living in Durkee years (there were some 
people who relatives were not needed, even

in moments of enlightenment and to be honest, some are deeply 
sorry). On the second floor were cabinets of medical staff, room

lounge with TV, the four wards
patients, as well as toilet and in combination sympathy Boxing. 
In general, places a little bit and you'll never be alone,

that bothered me greatly. Routine
like this: 8 - lift, breakfast at 9. 9.30 - swallow all the 
wheel / fix in, 13 - Lunch, 14-15 - a quiet hour, 16 - Lunch, 
19 - dinner 21 - again, the wheel / vmazka, 22 - rebound. The 
rest of the free time could dull walk in free space, watch 
telly (Black with three available channels), play chess, 
checkers, dominoes, reading, complain, eat, cook chifir (if 
dopizdishsya a nurse), sleeping, or smoking (in summer time, 
there were still walking in special. yard, but as I lay in 
winter, then this nishtyaka I try not had). As for smoking - a 
separate conversation. In principle, Durkee at Ukhtomskogo 
considered on the subject of smoking is very liberal, ie, smoke 
all you want, as long as a whitefish or someone shoot. For 
example Durkee in on the left bank issued Bolgi

Only three whitefish on the snout in the day. All would be
was good, but bad in principle relies flammable and stabbing / 
cutting subjects, but usually on a blind eye, so for example I 
had lighter. The procedure for smoking whitefish was as 
follows: If smoked in the toilet, then you should theoretically 
get a light from the pritychki, because you should not be

fire, but basically all about
normal he was. So if someone smokes - that of pritychki 
otherwise had to go to the orderlies with a request give a 
light, usually, if not during quiet hours or rebound, they are 
not crowded together, but sometimes the following happens: One 
Sunday, when doctors do not was in the hospital, two orderlies 
firmly get drunk on the job and decided to make fun of the bad. 
After dinner, all naturally want to smoke, and these two

bastard did not give the fire in the mass, respectively, in a 
push to the people crammed Doha, but all non-smokers. Orderlies 
sit and revel in let its short but still very

real power over two dozen patients. At the time I hung out in 
the House and did not know what's going on this shnyaga, so go 
to the toilet, I pulled out of habit jig and lit it. 
Accordingly, puffed, and others. Then medics rush and try to do 
Shmona, I hide in the jig sneakers and went out of the closet, 
far away from tyryu her plinth under his bed. In the end a fag, 
I leases, but since I oshmanav lighter

nurses did not find it, popizdev, they
shut up and go drink up jug. As
Local folklore says stupid: "I'm tired of us pills, fed to us 
by doctors. more more tired medics - the executioners. "Well,

Now go back to the inmates and patients at number four on the 
street Ukhtomskogo, namely to that fag who I laid down. They 
called him Vaska and about him worth discussing separately. In 
fact, he from the "Addams family", ie it with native

father is in the men's section, and the mother
for the Volga - the women's. Accordingly, on the basis of 
heredity, Vaska, as expected, was born punched. When I was 
lying there, he was probably twenty years, he was under two 
feet tall, very nehily in the shoulders, but it was zashugannoy 
cattle and thus the present by a fag. And by a fag, I was told, 
he was as follows: two years before that, he dragged in

basement fourteen girl and threatened with a knife in cattle 
raped. In the colony of course it is not planted - he was in 
Durkee at prinudilovku, but first, put him in jail. But there 
is such a Article except as petushne do not put. In

general swipe Vaska and fucked the entire camera
before the trial, approximately six months. Besides, it is so 
weaned to fuck the women, that the question "Well, Vaska, to 
fuck a woman want?" - He crouch in the corner, encircled head 
in his hands and shouted "No! No !!!", but if he was offered a 
dick in the ass with a smile fucked by pimply removed his 
trousers and substitute a point than in principle use Some 
want, for which he did not like orderlies, and often beaten. 
One time to We put on a week-long survey of

recruiting office two boys, who had already to twenty years to 
have a couple walker Vaska, respectively, and Wedge are their 
favorite targets for bullying. So as the entire family lay on 
Vaskina Durkee, then no one will no peredachek not wear as well 
as meals at Durkee did not restaurant, eat Vaska like always, 
Wedge, too, was no less voracious, and his sly ebalo often 
stare to us in the ward. So that mocked them

carrots and sticks: they usually
promised a piece of black bread, captured
dining out for him Vaska started with howling to pull his 
favorite song "Smoke menthol cigarettes, if it seemed

not funny, his steal, and take a look at how degraded two-meter
fag-hell-raisers, too cool, in Klina
with the brains were worse, and so it only had enough 
meaningless gons or couplets like: "At the window two florets - 
blue yes vermillion, would not trade the big dick on the small 
"," Lenin stood up, waved his hands - a dick to do with

fools. Lenin stood up, brandished by a dick -
We are alive, not dead men, "" stone to stone,
Brick by brick, died great Vladimir
Ilyich. "But he played it stretched out for attention and a 
fucking funny expression on fucked. Well, if they was promise 
cake or cookies, they staged the whole show with gay sucking 
alternate members from each other. In general that's been such 
fun for kids. It so happened that I met 1998'y not leaving 
Durkee. We had to somehow entertain, and I asked to bring me 
quite legally player with a dozen magazines, a couple of packs 
of "Chesterfield'a", and not legally beer "Amsterdam 
Maksimator" (11.5% alcohol), transfused into the bottle (0.5l) 
from the Coca Cola. "Since we practically shmanali, then I have 
no problem Pivnyak carried into the ward and zatyril away in a 
bedside table, and for the new year, I podnakopit ten wheels

"Cyclodol. Come the New Year and all
Durkee is not allowed to sleep at night, all flooded to watch 
"Old songs 3 ", and I calmly put his" cycle ",

washed down with beer, pinned player and went
smoking in the toilet, "Chester", listening to Sepultura, 
Offspring and Rexanthony. Thanks This cocktail PEYRELEAU me 
about four hours and I cool greeted the New Year. After New

Years, I increasingly came to the "amendment" and soon I was 
already released on weekend home a week later and was 
discharged at all. 

     And so, with minimal financial
cost (only peredachki and wheels
who bought my mother), with minimal acting ability I zakosil
army. So, if you do not see any other way with the slope of the 
Army, enlisted rodokov and Action

the above scenario - a minimal
manic psychosis is provided to you. If
it is not clear, then write to me on the box:


             chasmoid@mail.ru

- Explain to detail. On this BYE!