Subliminal Extacy #03 01 апреля 2001

Whopping Great Big Lists: A discussion

             Whopping Great Big Lists: A discussion

                          By Gasman^RA

Q. How many different types of cheese are there?
A. Absolutely loads. In fact, if one were to write a list of all
   the  different  types  of  cheese  in  existence,  it   would
   stretch around the world seventeen times.

Q. Wow! Really?
A. Yes. Providing  your handwriting is  just the right  size, of
   course.

Q. Oh. And what size would that be?
A. The size as defined in the European Standardised  Handwriting
   Directive.

Q. You're making this up, aren't you?
A. Nonono, not  at all. It  was a standard  drawn up in  1967 to
   assist in calculating  impressive facts about  whopping great
   big lists  of things.  Initially, the  handwriting chosen was
   that of  a German  secretary  named  Guildo  Albernehaare. Of
   course, we all know how  that backfired  in the  Great Cheese
   Scandal of 1976, don't we...

Q. Um, no. What was that all about, then?
A. What, you mean you don't know about the Great Cheese  Scandal
   of 1976?

Q. No. Get on with it.
A. Oh, okay. Basically, it emerged that Albernehaare was  taking
   bribes from the Amalgamated Union  of Dairy Farmers to  write
   in extra-large letters to  create a list intended  to promote
   cheese  consumption.  The  scandal,   dubbed  "Cheesygate" by
   unimaginative  commentators,  put  the  future  of impressive
   facts about  whopping great big lists of things in jeopardy.

Q. Oh. So what did they do then?
A. A  crisis  meeting   of  the  European  Slightly   Pointless
   Standardisation Committee was called, and it was agreed  that
   the standard  handwriting  size would  be  the average   size
   of all  citizens of  the world.  In order  to carry this out,
   everybody  in the  world  would  be  required  to  submit   a
   sample  of their handwriting.

Q. In that case, why has nobody ever asked me for a sample of my
   handwriting? 
A. Well,  you  see,   the process  involves  a  large amount  of
   bureaucracy,  and the  number of  people surveyed is immense.
   In  fact,  if one  were  to write out a list   of the  people
   it  would  stretch  all the way  around the world,  Seventeen
   times.