Subliminal Extacy
#03
01 апреля 2001 |
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The Art of Spectrum Coding - Chapter I
The Art of Spectrum Coding - Chapter I by NaMcO of Raww Arse It's NOT as easy as you think. Definitely not, but I'll try to elucidate you a bit about the whole process. First of all, get yourself a fire extinguisher. This is very important, that's why i put it in first place, just in case you overprogram and your speccy burns up in flames. You will also need a shitload of patience for when you were about to backup all your data on tape, the powercut comes and you lose all of your 6 hours of continuous, love-filled, gay-ridden work. DO NOT EVEN TRY TO EAT. You will probably get lost among McDonald's burgers and fries and forget all about your brilliant programming ideas, so when you get back to work it'll be all gone and you will be asking yourself "Why the heck can't the Russians build grammatically correct sentences?". Chances are that some filthy coke will spill into your keyboard thus ending your dream to become an elite democoder. Just when you're about to code something, call your girlfriend (if you're gay this won't work, so you will have to call your Dad instead) and tell her/him how much you love her/him. This will give you an erection to make you feel more like a man (as I said I don't guarantee it'll work on gay people). Elton John can't program - This is just a fact I thought I'd mention. Since we're stating facts, I might add that Russians can't spell. The sky is blue during the day. The sun is so bright you can't look at it directly. The spectrum is a fucking awesome machine, etc etc etc I think you get the point. Now that you're fully loaded with your programming weapons (I hope you got yourself a Speccy!!!!) you're ready to face the magnificent world of the "Art of Spectrum Coding". Oh dear. Which assembler to use is alway.... What do you mean "What's assembler????" were you thinking about coding your scrolling name in the border with BASIC? What a fag, get yourself a fucking Z80 assembler coding book and get back to the beginning of the text. Sheesh, Russians.... I just remembered one important thing: Do not use TRDOS for anything. This system has been completely abandoned in the past for being the worst OS (if) present on the Speccy. Let's just say that if you want to do things correctly you will use either a disciple or a disciple. You can also use a disciple but i strongly recommend the disciple. Its brother (this word looks so much like brothel....) the PlusD is also a nice way to store your data. Of course if you think you have too much cash and feel like being robbed you caninvest in one of those MB-02 thingies and then use all the software that has been made for it - NONE. Are we ready now? I guess we are. Moving on into the real world, your heart beats faster as you know the text that follows will change your life forever. It'll make your girlfriend come if you just glance into her eyes and eggs will fry in the fridge by just thinking about it. Oh, and Russians will learn how to spell, so you see THE POWER that lies beyond this line here ---> _____________________________________________________ FAQ - Frequently asked questions (I don't know why, but everyone has one, so I wrote one myself) Q) How the hell do I make a demo? A) Fuck no, you're starting the wrong way around, see.... demos are for elite programmers that waste their programming skills in worthless effects just to impress people instead of getting something out of their brains that's actually useful. Forget the demos. Q) Brain, what is a brain? - Do I need one? A) It's something that keeps your two legs (unless you had a car accident) from walking away from each other. It's also used for more stuff, but you would need a book with at least 1000000000000 pages to describe it briefly. At the time of writing, yes, you do need one. Q) Am I going to write a program and be famous instantly? A) Unless your name is Namco, no, obviously not. Q) Why do you keep saying you're an awesome programmer and that you rock all? A) I don't, I just program interesting stuff that actually is of some use to somebody. Q) This FAQ is completely useless, shall we quit this now ? A) Sure. And well, I guess this is it, you've passed the main gate for being a superb Speccy programmer and in the future a demo programmer as well (when you're elite), join us next edition where we will discuss the relation between Speccy programming and anal fucking of women with large tits. It's closer than you might think and Dr. NaMcO will show you, as usual, the path to success. Catch you soon! NaMcO
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