Room with laughter - HOW TO MAKE A JOURNAL. Tips 'experts'

<b>Room with laughter</b> - HOW TO MAKE A JOURNAL. Tips 'experts'

How to write a computer

       Journal

     (Primer)

(C) 1998, E. Nesterenko (Jam)
__________________________________________


   Everyone knows what an important role in the development of 
computer thoughts are electronic editions, I mean the magazines 
and newspapers. Therefore, they need not only to preserve but 
also multiply, creating more and more new (better not take 
skill, but a number, or, to paraphrase the famous proverb, 
"Journal of the Spectrum not spoil ..."). And if you decide to 
devote their lives to this great goal, but so far do not have 
enough experience in this matter, then This handbook is 
specifically designed for you.


   And because the wording of our magazine more
and the very lack of expertise in this
difficult matter, we turned for advice to this automated 
control system, the old coffee Wolf, Stoch not alone teeth and 
eats many dogs in this field, who kindly shared with us his 
memoirs. So, let me introduce - Formatshteyn

Spectrophone Ivanovic, director emeritus of the League of 
Editors, a veteran of the computer work, winner of the "Golden 
Maker" and ex-editor of "The Three lamer."




             SI Formatshteyn


       Thirty years at the keyboard

             or log century


            (Excerpts from the book)



               Chapter One


         "How do you call a magazine,

           both him and sold "


   ... The main thing in the magazine - is the name.
Before you choose it should be carefully
see the list of names of existing publications, or you may get
face in the dirt. There are several classes of names from which 
to choose. 

 1. Variants of the word "ZX"


   It opens wide field for
experiments. In principle, you can take
any word, add the prefix
"ZX", and the name you're done! But if you want to bore another 
name, and additional semantic meaning (but you see what kind of 
load bears the name "ZX-Cracker" Taken with referred to as 
wrappers just eaten your biscuits lying on the table) it is 
worth Prestressing brains. To facilitate you a problem, I can 
offer these options: "ZX-Rulez", "ZX-Forever", "ZX-Template", 
"ZX-Use", "ZX-rendezvous", "ZX-Tower". 

 2. Variants of the word "Spectrum"


   Here is the case the same as the first item, you simply add 
your own word. For example: "Spectrum Express,

"Spectrum Regression," Spectrum-Congress,
Spectrum-Kurtosis "," Spectrum abscess, but
can and poekzotichnee - Spectrum,
"Spektrofiliya", "Spektrogon", "Spektroshmon", "Special" Spices 
", etc. 

 3. Variants of the word "Sinclair"


   And again, adding anything spectacular,
say, "Sinclair Rulez", "Sinclair-Maker," but such names more 
popular with "Bourgeois", so people are very

North of them is better not to use it.

 4. Using the genre of computer games.


   A good effect can be obtained by taking
as the title of any genre of games,
then those users who like the genre like, become your regular 
readers. But there is a drawback: the user whom the genre is 
not to his liking, may not be interested in your magazine. 
Options may be: "Strategyurer", "Arkadyurer"

"RPGyurer" etc.

 5. The use of obscure foreign

    words.


   There is still more room for imagination. The main thing - 
that the word was as much as possible, "incomprehensible" and 
"foreign." Can come up with something like this: "Shersher La

Vu "," Amnazing "," Gumneizing "," Doubt ".
If you want your magazine received
notoriety, the perfect name would be something like: 
"Fuckingless", "Motherfuckingless", or simply "Fuckless".


 6. Using space-mifologiches
    co-nautical theme.


   There will be topical, such as:
"Prometheus," "Neptune", "Kometron"
"Electron" ...


   I do not advise you to deviate from the above
above scheme, otherwise your magazine may consider too abstruse 
and informal, that will lead to financial collapse.




               Chapter Two


   "For two journals chase - no

  one can not catch ... Filling the journal


   But here is the name chosen and it is time to decide on the 
design of the magazine, its design. You've got to tell at a 
glance - what do you you like: "ZX-Format" or

"Spectrofon"? You should choose one thing,
Then you just a little poobvinyayut of plagiarism and silent, 
but if you want to copy something, and another, then any good 
it will not. But whatever you choose, and have somewhere to 
search for images, Muzychka, tekstovichki ... Here are some 
options: 

 1. Make magazine alone.


   The advantage here is that all profits and glory will be 
yours (or losses and shame) and you do not suffer from the 
collapse of the group. But there are drawbacks - you need to be 
very smart and talented, that all times are rare. But do not 
despair, and from such a situation, there is an exit. Graphics 
can be inflated with a PC or AMIGA, on extreme case of "pull" 
of some igruhi. Muzychka also can tear from igruhi (you can 
from the demo), or simply steal someone.


   With regard to programmok Applications
to the magazine, then with the easiest way - taking
random pair of discs from your collection, poke (again at 
random, and the most diligent of you may even write for This 
program's generation RND) more times, and who were taken turn 
bend in the Appendix. If suddenly your readers (although 
unlikely to readers, even if they are to you and will want to 
write you a letter ...) will speak in the sense that, say, your 
application "somewhat out of date" - Do not be embarrassed. 
First, you can just ignore the opinions of the readers (and

letters to put on a cigarette, but then beware - if you see 
that paper on which is written the letter, has a yellowish

hue and smells of garlic, the best such
Letter to throw out, because as a vengeful
reader clearly infiltrated its arsenic) -
"I, too, critics have found it!" and continue
their job. Secondly, you can from the pages of
magazine to declare that the published program
not "old" and "classic", which must be
honored and respected, seasoned with the phrase moral
on "modern manners" (if you do not know,
I mean, you go to their
parents, but rather to his grandfather or grandmother, and
ask them, assumed a haughty mine
for what it is they do not respect the modern youth, and 
death-metal ...). Thirdly, (this the best option) simply provide

readers on the quality of applications in other
magazines (in fact in oratory most importantly - to turn from 
the accused a prosecutor) and you'll get the glory "denouncer.


   Now tekstovichki. The easiest way (if
there is a possibility) "pull" anything from
Fido or the Internet, and do not even need a computer theme, 
and not necessarily in Russian. Imagine as the reader will be 
pleasantly surprised to see in your journal article, "How to 
Cook salad of shrimp with garlic sauce "on

German! He immediately run to the store
for shrimp, acquiring along the way German-Russian dictionary. 
So you look - and learn German! If you do not have access to 
computer networks, it is necessary to sort out old magazines 
like "Radio", "Techniques of Youth," "Young technician", even 
"Peasant Woman" will do. And the old log, the better (in fact 
"new - it's simply well forgotten old") in such relics can 
simply dig unique articles. What a sensation, for example,

produce an article "Tankers-hams
from Kostroma warn Party ...", in which simple and 
understandable language explained how to configure the radio of 
your tank on VHF in the Arctic conditions.


   Of course, we can take the articles and from
Other Spectrum magazine, but before
using them must be carefully "correct": cut one out of every
ten offers and to add at least 10%
own text, such as "Thus",
"As seen from above," "And so,
"Of course", etc. And most importantly: Do not
you dare to state the source from which she
draws on paper, and then you will be accused of plagiarism. 
Sign the article "It's exciting," or "unpublished", it can be 
labeled "Notes user (coder grafera, myuzera ...) but when 
trying to competitors you know the true author say that

is the translation from Hebrew, and the author, they say, is 
not known (and better yet, that article - it's "Anonymous 
letter"). 

   Yes, do not forget to review news
and pirated software (a person with sadistic
inclinations may "consider" the letter
readers, if they exist), because
reader loves gossip (more detail about the tastes of readers, 
we'll talk later, this devoted a whole article). Where to take 
the news? Remove the disc or two with new demos or intruhami, 
check running line - here's a news! From myself add, "According 
to recent reports," As it became we know from reliable sources, 
"" A Did you know ... "and other intriguing phrase. Review of 
software to make it even easier -" pulls "from a few" new 
"igruh (you can Again, use your own

collection, but then do not forget to add that this new, 
revised versions old, well-known programs, or that

In our city, these programs only appear) to "screen" and 
provides its own commentary on the quality of sound, graphics, 
etc. Just do not put the scores above 50%, otherwise everyone 
will think you hired Local distributors of software, or suspect 
you have a lack of taste. Best used to review a sort of austere,

slightly gruff style see service vacuum, rake his hands next
dunghill.

   It is also desirable to include in the magazine
article about the Amiga, where you can not hesitate "to impose" 
insults the IBM PC and display image "tupoga pytsyshnago lamira.


   Now, when tekstovichki, Muzychka and
Pictures are ready to do all of the
This "reading room" (some also say
"Listalku" I think it would be correct, and so
and syak, because some readers are actually "read", and some 
just "leaf") and for this you need to download assembler and 
start coding. If this causes you difficulty, it makes sense to 
load the monitor debugger (some call it STS'om, and it more 
accurately, since neither on the monitor, or even on 
television, this program is not like) and "borrow" reading room 
"of any final log and if somebody thinks of blaming you

stealing, tell them that "there is no need to re-
reinvent the wheel! ". If it is with STS'om
you do not work, try to find
in the paper (not computer) type declaration
"Is coded from drinking, smoking and refer to the address 
(although clinical practice is still not fixed successful 
cases, but still ...) to "Coded-reader."


   If desired (if you know how kodit) can make to the magazine 
intruhu. What is intruha? This thing, which consists of three

parts: the marquee, flashing curb
and hello. True, some use
also (or instead of a flashing border) fly balls, points, etc. 
But it is not so important because the reader is still looking 
at them will not be most important for him - greetings. You've 
got to be very careful because of who you give greetings, 
depends the whole success of the magazine. In the first turn 
have to pass his greetings to "sidekick" and even if you do 
not, they should invented - then the reader will understand

that you have a large friendly team, and "communicate" with it 
not worth it. You then need to say hello to "elite" - those 
people whose names who knows even a complete lamer, so the 
reader convinced that you alone have to it (to the "elite") 
attitude. Well, in the end would be nice to "go after" in any 
kind of "Gopnik," everyone to realize your "toughness." 
"Straddle" is better on any "Left" address, eg: "Mudosoft you

when a stop, steal my feeders in nature, damn it! "" But be 
careful with inventing nicknames and names - and

it turns out that somewhere in Severouryupinske really live a 
Mudosoft? 

   Thus, the magazine is ready. We need to think about it
distribution. Main - A request for a
much money and in any case not
drop the price, it will convince everyone in the steepness of 
your magazine. 

 2. Collective creativity.


   In principle, the collective creation
magazine, many items are identical to the above, there are only 
a few moments for which we would like to draw attention.

First, be sure to woo for himself
chief editor, and then everything
go like clockwork, as the Chief Editor's nothing to do - from 
only orders the rest to do this or that

work. Secondly, if someone would "run down" the quality of your 
publication, is accused of lamerstve their subordinates and 
always pretend that unhappy (even If you think the work is done 
well) - it never hurts. But know that your subordinates are 
also there "Excuses". The artist will say that

Spectrum too little dots and flowers, because the schedule so 
clumsy and monochrome. The encoder will "load" that is not 
enough memory and speed, the musician - that there is little 
channels, and proofreader says that readers will not notice the 
error, since the very literate. Not so fast! Put them on the 
place. Artist tell me that the TV all three colors, costs, and 
the Spectrum of sixteen, plus Flash. Coder about memory state 
that Dendy memory of 8 bits (rather than 128 KB!), and what

games there cool! Musician recalled
that as a fourth channel, he
can use the beeper, and a corrector
pripugnite Please bring report card and show the evaluation of 
the Russian language and literature. 



               Chapter Three


      "The tastes of the readers do not argue"


   It is time to talk about the tastes of readers, as it is 
simply necessary know each zhurnaloizdatelyu for successful

work and implementation of publication (which is much
important). What readers love? In general, the same thing, more 
precisely, there are three things that the reader likes. It's 
cheap sensation, jokes about Stirlitz and Winnie the Pooh and 
naughty pictures. " For variety you can "bring to the table," 
variations of these three rulezov. For example:


 - Cheap jokes about Stirlitz and Winnie the Pooh
 - Cheap picture
 - Cool sensation
 - Funny Pictures
 - Savory Sensations
 - Naughty jokes


   Jokes and pictures you can "pump up" of computer networks, 
but the sensations we take a closer look. Most sensations can 
(and should) invent. The specimen can use some of the examples 
below. 

 1. Examples of cheap sensations


   "Did you know that Clive Sinclair
grandfather - a Jew? "


   "Did you know that Bill gay? ..
r-s-sir! "


   "Did you know that the games" UFO-1 and
"UFO-2" were stolen from the VA and Mednonogova
convert under the IBM PC? "


   "Did you know that are now the most rulezny magazine in the 
CIS?" 


   "Did you know that" Star Heritage-2 has already published 
and sold? 


   "Did you know that Windows-98 was
written on the cassette Spectrum-48 kb?


   "Did you know that" Inforkom - Excellent company? "


   "Did you know that in a kilogram 1024
gram? "


   "Do you know what Lenin was Gopnik?"


   "Did you know that after the collapse
Group "STEP" each of its participants, organized by its own 
group - "S", "T", "E" and "P", respectively? "



 2. Examples of cool sensations


   "And did you know that when Stirlitz
miracle caught on the stair railing, a miracle
swollen and sore for a long time? "


   "And do you know the real name
friend and companion of Winnie the Pooh, Piglet -
Pig? "


   "And did you know that Winnie the Pooh
grandfather - a Jew? "


   "And did you know that Stirlitz was
Gopnik? "


   "And did you know that my grandfather, a Jew
Winnie the Pooh was Gopnik? "


   "And did you know that Bill Gates, too ... well, you 
understand!" 


   "And did you know that Lenin was the users?"


   "And did you know that Winnie the Pooh was
bear? "


   "And did you know that Gopnik beat
drunken Piglet and slashed him last
ball? "

 3. Examples of savory sensations


   "Have you heard that Bill Gates with Winnie the Pooh 
recently celebrated their silver wedding? "



   "Did you hear that Shtirlitsa yard
blue spruce? "


   "Did you hear that Iwamoto - bastard
son of Bruce Lee? "


   "Did you hear that Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky did not 
use the labels" write protection "?" 


   "Did you hear that Winnie the Pooh was very fond of pork 
thighs? .." 


   "Have you heard that Lenin was very fond of
Gopnik young? "


   "Did you hear that a young Volodya
Lenin loved Gopnik? "


   "Did you hear that a young Adolf
Hitler really did not like Jews? "


   "Have you heard what teachers differ
from pedophiles? That the latter (unlike the first) really love 
kids! " 


   "Have you heard why such Cheburashka
big ears? Because as a child he was friends with young Gopnik!


   Hopefully, enough examples? Now you
know what to expect from you the reader and hopefully not 
disappoint him as their magazine ... 



   From the Editor:


   Due to the large volume we have brought here
only three chapters from the book SI Formatshteyna, but if 
readers have any questions, you can send them to the editor, we 
will give them spectrophone Ivanovich, and he would try to 
dismantle them in the pages our magazine. With a special desire 
of readers, we can continue to publish excerpts of this 
fascinating book, and yet we say goodbye to you in hopes that 
you have learned many useful and important. Bye! 
__________________________________________