Humor - fidoshnye jokes.

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               HUMOR.FILTERED

                    or

               fidoshnye jokes



From: Oleg Osin, 2:5020 / 921.333



                  WHAT IS IT?


* Slots for crafty screw.


* The collection of skin and meat, separated by a fold

  and occupies the entire volume available to it.


* Object manipulation doctor proctologist.


* Transcendental entity with a vertical smile
  Coy.


* What comes last in the head beetle, vletayusche
  Therefore, in the windshield of a moving car?


* The root cause of the increased eyeballs in Chebu
  Rushka a well-known anecdote.


* Suvorov crossed the Alps. And after that he

  actually had to move, given that

  that he lived in Russia?


* "... On this he replied that he had seen them in action

  dark and deep place where no one looks into the solar
  ntse ... "- said the hero of S. King. So what is this

  place?


* How did grow up in the hands of girls who have foot races
  here "from the neck?


* Karma toilet.


* The only place that you can now understand

  Russia.


* The prototype, which used the Creator when you
  choice of the shape of the human brain.


* A suitable place for trehsotdollarovogo bouquet

  parsley.


* With dual, indivisible and comprehensive?


* The only way out if you ate the lion.


* The key and inseparable object cycling food

  in nature.


* One of the most recommended for study

  excursions in the world.


* On what usually falls talking parrot, if it

  immediately pull over two legs?



            So what is this??



                 *


From: Andrey Babayan, 2:5053 / 16



      KNOW - IT'S TIME TO STOP IF:


* The trip you spend the time with bolshyyu

  noytbykom lap, surrendering the child in the luggage.


* Wife says communication is very important in marriage

  and you pokypate second computer and do at home

  lokalky to be able to chat with his wife on

  ICQ.


* You decide to stay another year instityte

  or two for free dostypa the Internet.


* You ispolzyete emoticons in ordinary soil bymazhnoy
  ones.


* You do not know the half of its three lychshih dryzey, flow
  my y that are neutral nicknames and you ask

  did not occur to golovy.


* Making home repairs, you can not solve the long -

  wallpaper paste or rastyanyt odny kartiny the whole

  steny.


* To ylybnytsya, tilted sideways on golovy

  90 gradysov.


* Kypanie in the bathroom you call "daynloding.


* You decide to just make them at the computer instead of

  chairs ynitaz.


* New friends you introduce yourself as "John @

  Email dot py ".


* All your dryzey and friends in the name of a symbol
  ox '@'.


* Y your dog has a home page.


* You can not call his parents - y had no

  modem.


* Getting up at three o'clock in the morning to go to the 
tyalet, 

  you stay up ytra y computer.


* Wife began to forbid you to take noytbyk in the village
  Tel.


* Got in an accident, you instinctively looking knopky "Back".


* Read this, the first thing you transmit data
  LIMITED text drygy.



                 *


From: Serg Fomin 2:5020 / 2452



     Somewhere in zabygore appears in Germany, argued two 
neighbors on four bytylki schnapps that one of them sest half 
baskets yglya ... Ny fact that the stove stoked. When silence 
the audience, this worthy myeon ypletaet all ygol ... and gets 
on sledyyuschy evening bolnitsy with terrible abdominal pain. 
Diagnosis: "poisoning the excessive number of snaps." 



                 *


From: Alexander Temerev, 2:5004 / 21.6



     People who think they "need more to drink and
Those who think "must drink less," agree
one - should drink ...".



                 *


From: Serg Agarkoff 2:5041 / 1.1



      WHY Chicken crossing the road?


* The Bible:
And he came down from heaven and saying of his was to a 
chicken: "Go way." And the chicken crossed the road; and 
received eternal bliss. 

* Colonel Sanders:
I missed something?

* Police in Los Angeles:
Give us five minutes to talk with this hen, and we will 
definitely know. 

* Richard Nixon:
The chicken is crossing the road. I repeat: The chicken did not
crossing the road. I do not know any chicken. I never met with 
any chicken. 

* Bill Clinton:
I repeat: I did not have sexual relations with
this chicken!

* Martin Luther King Jr.:
I envision a world in which every chicken can cross the road, 
without explaining the reasons for its action. 

* Grandfather:
In my day we did not ask such questions. We were told that the 
chicken crossing the road, and we have this was enough.


* Aristotle:
Go across the road - the natural property of the hens.

* Karl Marx:
It is a historical inevitability.

* Saddam Hussein:
It was unprovoked aggression infidels chickens.

* Ronald Reagan:
What chicken?

* Captain James T. Kirk:
To get there, which have not yet stepped foot chicken.

* Fox Mulder:
You saw it with my own eyes. How many more chickens
must cross the road, that you believe it?

* Machiavelli:
It is important that it passed over the road. And who cares why 
she did it? When she finishes transition, then it becomes clear 
why. * Freud:



The fact that you care about this issue, says
your sexual insecurity.
* Bill Gates:


The next year (or so later, but in the very near future), I'll 
let Microsoft Chicken 2000 which will be built not only 
perehodchik roads, archivist for important documents and 
accountant for the attention of your balance, but also Internet 
Explorer, as an integral part of it.


* Einstein:
That chicken crossed the road or the road came under the 
chicken? 

* Saint-Exupery:
If the chicken crossing the road, then it's someone who needs 
it. 


                 *


From: Aleksander Zajcev, 2:5053 / 2.25



     I do not know, anecdote or not, but raskazano
it was like a real event ... So:

     By prilavky with all sorts of computerized gadgets 
suitable shaven-headed young man, has long been considered 
windows. Then, pointing to the Bat and says: "They are y you 
Chinese?". The seller responds by Malaysian. "Then let see 
closer, "- asks pokypatel. The Seller emy zapechatannyyu 
korobky with myshoy. The young man looks at a long korobky, 
then asks her to open. Seller opens korobky, pulls and 
stretches her Bat pokypatelyu. Pokypatel awhile krytit it pykah 
and asks: "And you do something polzyetes this?". "Yes" - meets 
a seller. "Well," - says pokypatel - "I kyplyu it y you just 
tell us how you shave it. " 



                 *


From: Slawa Alexeew, 2:5020 / 614.1 6



     Mercedes worth $ 40,000 and weighs 2 tons, then 1 kg of 
Mercedes - $ 20. 

     Sports bike - $ 1500 with a weight of 7 kg.,
Price - $ 200 (per kg).

     Conclusion - the bike is more expensive Mercy 10 times!

     Why did the new Russian on bikes are not transplanted?


                 *


From: Mihail Budenkov, 2:5090 / 36.


> In Mongolia, have a custom: when the birth family> is given a 
son, a father plants a tree. If the son vyras> dyrakom melts, 
then the tree srybayut ... :) 


I was in the Mongolian ... Steppe to the horizon .....


                 *


From: Anton Blagoveschensky, 2:5020 / 1057.53



     Company needed a new cash register. Let's go ... And they 
left the car with a driver next to the firm where this unit was 
taken. Suited to the car guard and said that, they say, would 
be nice to have been driven away or give money, because the 
parking fee. At that the driver replied: "Right now, only the 
guys take cash ..." 



                 *


From: Alexander Ustimenko, 2:463 / 599



      Commentator No comment ...


... Dynamo played to a wide fytbol and Spartak - in
 stenky.

... By the way, this match of the first honorary ydar on ap 
bitry paid Mayor. 


... I have long said: no ymeesh - not simyliryy!


... To radioslyshatelyam was ydobnee watch, ska zhy that the 
Dynamo played in white and blue and the Carpathian Mountains -  
in green and white form. 


... In addition to Dynamo Kiev, Ukraine there is no single
 team capable konkyrirovat with Dynamo Kiev.

... Torpedo plays in blue and Dynamo on the left
 half of the field.


... United States in 1994 gody took world championship fyt 
boly, 1996 - Olympic Games, so So why would they  not porychit 
the European Championship? 


... Somehow neydachno Albanian tried to hit the ball and head 
for tsepil nogy our fytbolista. 


... A very nervous match: players ytratili control
 themselves and one for drygim jump out of the wall, not 
looking at predyprezhdeniya arbitrator. 

... Because of the joy that scored takomy silnomy soperni ky, 
Baggio hung on the gate. 


... Agree, not kazhdomy this sityatsii ydaetsya
 to pass the ball - the ball was mezhdy feet.


... Well, it's female fytbol. None myzhchina
 not continue to igry after falling tyda ball.


... The ball bounced on the bar Shovkovsky.

... In the 1/8th of waiting has finally arrived from the 
capital of the Greek Roma  Spain.



... 0:0. Commentator: "Spartak is not only not about pystil a 
single ball, and has a good percentage  the use of scoring 
chances. They are in this match  did not score a single goal 
...". 


... Armenian fytbolist up with the player team Uk poplars with 
chyvstvom accomplishment. 


... In the seventh place in byndeslige Schalke out of town
 Hyl-Four.

... The Dnieper substitutions, no, I counted all 11 fytbolis 
Comrade. 


... Sledyyuschy World Championships held in France. Hence, a 
large come fytbol and rodiny three mysh Keter and Hamlet. 


... Shevchenko is in a position outside the offside.


... Croatian Haydyk, losing by hody match 3:0,
 won 3:2.

... Temyp Ketsba is original hairstyles:
 y his makyshke a single hair.


... As my father said dyhovny Danish fytbola Gum years ... Of 
course, this shytka I dymayu, he no longer suffered from  for 
hockey. 


... The ball flies in a few millimeters above the head
 gate.


... Defenders ydaetsya in ygly central kryga mapping to take 
the ball y Shevchenko. 

... But Rebrov scattered the defenders of his wand, you 
pychalochkoy. 


... The process of creating an ensemble of in Black Moretz.


... Lychshe time to lose 4:0 than four times as 1:0.



                 *


From: Dmitry Rubinstain, 2:5040 / 59.1



     Following the recent antitrust hearings, Bill
Gates compared the software market with the market soft
beverages. He said that Microsoft is struggling to survive, 
while the giant beverage industry will be the century because 
they were not involved in the Justice Department. Of course, 
Bill should be more careful in his statements and not to give 
ideas Koke and then we can get here are here are the results:


Joe: (included in McDonald) Hey, I want a Big Mac.


Waiter: OK, here's your Big Mac and here's your cola. C

         you $ 3.99 ...


Joe: What? I do not want Coke.


Waiter: Excuse me, but it comes.


Joe: What? I will not pay for the stake!


Waiter: And you do not pay - Coke is free.


Joe: But the same week a Big Mac cost all
         of $ 2.49?


Waiter: Yes, but this latest Big Mac ku
         da best ever. It even built

         cola!


Joe: I already bought across the road beer and cola I

         drinking will not.


Waiter: Then you will be without the hamburger.


Joe: Well, to hell with you. I'll pay 4 bucks and

         throw your Coke.


Waiter: But you can not do it. They are closely
         but integrated and totally inseparable
         us.


Joe: What a nonsense? This is also very time
         nye stuff!


Waiter: No! Look! (Throws a Big Mac in cola)

         See?


Joe: Why did you do?


Waiter: It is an advantage for the consumer. Otherwise

         you will receive two different, nesovmes
         reversible taste. And so you pochuv
         corresponds to a single and unique stable
         vy taste at all your meals!


Joe: 8-E ~



                 *



ma Why did you do?


Waiter: It is an advantage for the consumer. Otherwise

         you will receive two different, nesovmes
         reversible taste. And so you pochuv
         corresponds to a single and unique stable
         vy taste at all your meals!


Joe: 8-E ~



                 *

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              HUMOR.FILTERED

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                 *


From: Alexey Chekunkov (2:5020 / 301.25)



                   SECTS



     Sects - this is very serious, in most
sects verbyyut people directly to ylitsah, this process
placed on the conveyor. And to make it easier to evaluate
their global and mogyschestvo, I'll briefly rasskazhy on one of 
these sects ... 


* Sect, referred to, has moschneyshyyu times
  vetvlennyyu network, its affiliates have nearly

  in each city.

* The sect has a well razvityyu sistemy support

  as information, financial and power in

  including gosydarstvennyh stryktyah. Rykovod
  the set centrally. Confrontation mezhdy particular
  GOVERNMENTAL individuals and the organization almost all
  always ends in polzy sect. Information on other

  a reward for not being disclosed.

* A number of government officials and pro ychenyh
  sneeze prominent openly members

  the organization. Anyway, in this organization
  tion was involved in almost every member of the cab
  Neta ministers.

* In order to avoid falling into the network data
  zation, one must have a good connection

  in influential stryktyrah or sufficiently
  Chiyah money, or very well-developed health and ym
  vy sense.

* Activities are organized recruitment of colorful, PRAZ
  dnichno and psychologically very competently - Individuals

  by sklady yma or other characteristics are not transmitted
  PWM selection, fine is imposed from outside not chyvstvo
  usefulness and public censure.

* Persons trapped in sekty, long-term restrictions
  Ny their rights. Bolshyyu part of the active personality
  Nogo vynyzhdeny time they spend on business organizations
  Organization, and even staying in krygy family oschyscha
  Ute responsibilities entrusted to them.

* In the sect, there is a clear gradation of "yrovnyu 
Development   Tia. "Go on novyyu stypen occurs after


  completion predydyschey by the decision of the Committee and 
leads 

  direct pykovodstva.

* Vnyternnyaya ogranizatsiya the sect rigid hierarchy
  cally. The lower members of the sect are in full

  subordinate y its direct leadership. In the first

  initially caught in sekty handles one member

  senior managers in the future, after the passage of

  three years of treatment, they are transferred etapy

  more yzkim professionals. Also vnytri sects have

  strict rules of conduct for its members,

  for naryshenie which sledyet punishment, often with

  entering into a private matter recruited. As

  developed a system to attract the most active of

  ychastnikov in sistemy vnytrennego ypravleniya. But

  and it ypravlenie only illusory, for the transition to

  yroven organizer trebyetsya at least 15 years

  from the start of recruitment.

* Rarely komy from falling into it ydaetsya break

  of the network organization to attend a full kyp
  self-processing. When relocation Leach
  nye case transferred to the regional member of the 
organization   nomy koordinatory new district. If cheloveky


  any way ydalos break out of this orbit
  zation, then it is applied seal incomplete
  notsennosti, difficulties with work hour
  then lost communication with the rest of the sect dryz
  s.

* Finance vnytri sects at least

  interesting. At nyzhdy sect, direct or indirect,

  idyt permanent collection "contributions" to its members. Pain
  Shy of that money goes directly nyzhdy
  the spatial pykovodstva, some sent to more than

  higher authority. Rykovoditeli small staff, no
  directly engaged in processing new members,

  virtually devoid of these sredsv, here also a kind of
  on the competent work of psychologists - to content

  families they have to spend more time on

  raboty in the sect. For ykryvaniya taxes often

  ispolzyyutsya charitable activities undertaken by

  lower part of the sect.

* It is likely that you, the reader of this tech
  hundred, was involved in this sect.



      Her name - Secondary School.



                 *


From: Alex Kuznetsov (2:5084 / 10.3)


>> And then bydet Hebrew: "Ani mydak, above ebadti check>> 
dahyy. Perevozhy: "I am concerned that he lost by>> srocheny 
check." :-) 


Just dawned on me that pyssky mat pridymali Jews! :) Yes yzh 
... To our times has reached a distorted "I my @ # k, proj # $ 
l a check for $ # @ rd". :))) 



                 *


From: Dmitry Alehin (2:4625 / 53.4)



             Problem in physics:

           Computer statics



                 Preface



     Currently, the polytechnics are increasingly paid 
attention to the study computer. The purpose of this tool kit - 
fully prepare people to communicate with the computer and 
provide them with invaluable assistance. Author's group in the 
Alekhine Dmitri and Andrei Mironishina wish you health and 
success. 



                  Lesson number 1


1. Winchester thrown from a height of two meters on the 
asphalt. Number of bad blocks is 256. Find the initial 
velocity, if it was a Fujitsu hard drive 6.4 MPD.



2. Solve the preceding problem, provided that the hard drive is 
not thrown to the pavement, and the head of Bill Gates (hint: 
nonrelativistic effect and limit the speed of light be 
ignored). 


3. On the motherboard Soyo beat with a hammer. Find the kinetic 
energy of the hammer at the moment of impact on the processor 
Intel P-II. 


4. Question: My computer at work decided to pour
water. The task: to explain the owner of the computer, what for 
it had to do. (Run Lab number 1). 


5. Drunk sysop beats the mouse on a monitor with a frequency of 
166 MHz. Given that the mouse is made of stainless plastic, and 
monitor Samsung, find out how many bottles of beer drank a 
sysop. 

6. At one birthday party, friends came up with
great idea to burn a computer birthday. Find the heat emitted 
during the combustion of the host, who threw himself on fire 
after the computer. 

7. Through the motherboard missed sinusoidal voltage. Find 
active and reactive power on each of the elements of the 
motherboard, if you know that as a result of all the elements 
burned. 


             Lab 1.


Topic: Safety when dealing with owners
     cement computer.


Objective: To perform laboratory work number 1.


Apparatus and materials: PC, company owner, a mug of
                  hole (in the absence of water

                  allowed to use

                  flammable substances).



                 Proceedings.


1. Find computer. Make sure it's working. Make friends with the 
owner. 2. Somehow during the game to ask the owner

brought a little water.
3. During the absence of the owner to remove the cover from the 
system unit, and when the owner brings the water carefully, 
especially paying attention to the joints wires, pour the 
system unit. 4. Remember your feelings before and after the 
moment of impact with a heavy object owner. 5. Draw a 
conclusion about the inadmissibility of such actions in future. 


       Test questions for self-examination.


1. Who am I?
2. Where am I?
3. Why and how different feeling before and after
Impact?
4. Why host computer refused to call an ambulance after 
dropping you from the third floor? 5. Why not start dating with 
people living in apartment buildings?



                Best of luck!



                 *


From: Alex Kuzmin (2:5055 / 46.19)


All you've probably heard the expression "party program".
What would happen if political parties actually wrote the 
program? 


The program of the Communist Party

     The latest versions are documented as compatible with 
other programs, but in reality after the installation tends to 
destroy them. Interface text, white letters on red background. 
The kernel is written over a hundred years ago, since then not 
only fixes old bugs but also added many new ones. Believes that 
all files should be the same size. Periodically announce any 
extension of harmful and deletes files with that extension 
across the disk. Requests for confirmation have the only 
answer, "Give!". Attempts to allocate resources for their tasks 
without worrying about their physical presence, and in case of 
failure block error messages. When you request a diagnostic 
output file is generated in advance, telling you that all is 
well. Does not accept emails from the outside and nails the 
problem is trying to send. Not compatible with modern 
technology. Can not be uninstalled legal means. 

The program of the Liberal Democratic Party

     Has a bright, fussy interface and nondisconnectable sound 
effects, high volume. Can be installed at least for HT, but 
says the extremely high demands on system resources and on any 
machine seeks to capture them, as much as possible. Reports 
extensive use profanity, especially if the user - a woman. 
Constantly threatens to break Pentagon servers and arrange 
mail-bombing the U.S. president, but not physically contain 
modules, capable of something like that. Displays many warnings 
and error messages, including the most improbable, but it never 
freezes, does not fall and not unloaded from memory, even if 
the user really wants. In the derivation of diagnostic begins 
to bargain with the user, promising to bring good results if it 
will allocate more resources. Asks a high price for the 
installation and twice as much - for the uninstallation. 

Program the Yabloko

     Has a beautiful, classy, but not all, intuitive 
interface. Refuses to work with other programs. Provides a 
powerful diagnostic module, always ready to give the user 
detailed advice in any situation, but the offer to perform a 
specific operation always produces a message with a reasoned 
explanation as to why this operation can not be implemented. It 
works only on computers that the company Apple. 


PDR Program

     Was once the main system module and still trying to 
fulfill this function. Has a weird interface and unreadable 
documents. Error Messages ascribes the previous and subsequent 
versions, as well as external processes. Attempts to solve the 
problem of lack of resources, constantly asking user to insert 
a new floppy disk and then promising to give the two. When a 
task requests a memory, said that the memory is successfully 
allocated, but really distinguishes it is not earlier than six 
months later, selected at other tasks. In the final tight end 
hangs the machine. 


                            (C) YuN, 1998



                 *


From: Timur Kulmukhametov (2:5011 / 73)


>> How to remove belly fat? Help, what exercises
>> Best way to get rid of a small stomach. Ka>> Kie general 
techniques and methods? 


Hara-kiri ... 3 sets of 8-12 repetitions. Daily ...


                 *


From: Aleksey Maslov (2:5020 / 416.13)



                   DOS


               (DDT "Rain")



DOS ... The blue veil of the screen is filled pure DOS.
Mouse ... Became vdryg square, lost formy mouse.
I broke the window, devyanostopyatoe favorite window
I put the DOS, and then yvidel: is happiness - that's it.


Hryuknyl hard drive, and iron quietly under zaryrshalo
 table ...
Zagryzilos! Hey, let's us see what how much;
Come on DOS and let's work ymnoy his head ...
See the same myself! Because DOS is not a fairy tale, it's true:
 he was with you!


Tears on the glasses ... Weird glasses, and maybe tears
 face ...
DOS cleared everything, everything that was superfluous y me
 C: drive
I pressed F8, and hilarious Norton ydalyal me everything:
Forty megabytes. Maybe even more, maybe even
 sixty.


And I introduced: the city flooded vdryg razymnymi
 Persons:
Everyone came under DOS, but damn WINDOWS - ydalyali,
 dammit.
Forgetting WORD, COREL DRAW, and other real
 Hemorrhoids
People put the DOS, as if in paradise come in DOS,
Plain, pure DOS ...


                 *



mnymi
 Persons:
Everyone came under DOS, but damn WINDOWS - ydalyali,
 dammit.
Forgetting WORD, COREL DRAW, and other real
 Hemorrhoids
People put the DOS, as if in paradise come in DOS,
Plain, pure DOS ...


                 *