Humor - the story 48 Iron.

(C) AK-47
Music: BY Mr.Z / HWC



                48 IRON


                  (Top)



                  Stirlitz walking down the street, in a window

                    second floor, he saw 48

                    Iron ... "The turnout failed!" -

                    thought Stirlitz - "Four

                          Iron is not enough! .. "

                     (Anekdot. Ancient Greece.)



                 CONTENTS.

Contents ................................................. 
.................................. here 



                   Part I.


Chapter 1. CEO Declares War on ............ below
Chapter 2. CHIEF saves his General Staff ............ below
Chapter 3. CHIEF summerschools appeal even lower
Chapter 4. The medical board 
................................................ smallish 
Chapter 5. Heavily in the teaching-easy in battle .... quite 
low Chapter 6. Armor is strong and our tanks are fast vasche low




                   Part II.


Chapter 7. Ultimatum 
............................................ very low Chapter 
8. The national war is ... ................ below low Chapter 
9. CHIEF Strikes Again ... Second, low Chapter X. The Last 
Stand. (Sm.slovar) ......... below 9 Ch. 


Epilogue ................................................. 
........................... awfully low 


Explanatory Dictionary of the AK-47 (izd.1) 
...................... lowest 



                 PART I.



                 *



                  Chapter 1.

            CHIEF declare war.



     CHIEF (see glossary at end of article) knocked his head 
against the wall, so he tried to straighten the dastardly 
gyrus, which had the audacity die ... SAC (see glossary) was 
jumping around, trying to catch its own tail ... Wall breaches. 
CHIEF felt - bend straightened ... Now, when everything is 
normal, and you can think of ...  - Well, so what loans? - 
Asked himself aloud CHIEF, because otherwise he could not think 
- no, without instructions we can not do!


     CHIEF entice the bag and pulled out a standard reinforced 
concrete slabs with cuneiform writing ...  - Aha ... so ... 
Those guys own ... yes I am ... uh you ... These svolochnye 
people oppress our people, then! .. DIZZY (See glossary) in 
narcological planted, alcohol encode! .. Horror! Winnie the 
Pooh (see glossary) - shaping forced to do! .. Bastards! Wally 
(see glossary) in a psychiatric hospital arrested, a lunatic, 
it says .. Tyrants! Seymour (see glossary), the great Seymour, 
pelted with rotten tomatoes! .. Pigs are uneducated! SMAGLI 
(see glossary) just Papuans not eaten! I do not know what the 
grasshoppers eat ... Pineapple (see Dictionary), a sweet, kind 
pineapple, put in jail! Tyrant and the tyrant! And the devil 
knows where the talker (see glossary) ... Me, more importantly, 
on charges of espionage, the KGB, the CIA and wanted by Massad! 
Well all my patience has snapped! I declare war on them! .. So, 
with Why the war begin? We ought to go to the library,

look at the literature ...



     At the door of the Central (and only) Library provincial 
town N vprygnula strange design. From the entrance design 
yelled: "Get down, bomb! ". In a few library clients here

also found urgent business at home ...


     CHIEF, and construction was he, rode up to the counter and 
asked to go:  - Do you have a manual for beginners great 
commanders?  - And, you receive a library card?

 - As for the bomb, I'm not joking! ..



     After about half an hour of aimless climbing on
shelves, priceless tome was found, however, in German and 1815 
editions ...  - And you do not have the same, but the Chukchi 
(see glossary) cuneiform?


     Librarian fainted ...


     After a week of deer-connected delivered the desired
book in the Chukchi edition ...
 - Cool book! - Admired CEO. - So, how
we should start a war? Read: "1) get the commander in chief." 
So ... How do we get it? .. A. .. 

     CHIEF began to sing, than took a very
even yourself ...
 - So, I got a commander in chief! .. And got exactly ... (He 
threw the entire accumulated during the "wonderful singing of" 
anger ...)  - My poor head! (Please understand me correctly,

CHIEF is only one head ...). Not yet a sledgehammer
knocking is not worth it! Okay, continue ... Aha, here:
"2) find the general (main criterion, but in the final - volume 
of Orania )"... Yourselves criteria! Hmmm! A general who 
appointed? Wow, the idea is ... Voobscheto that such an idea? I 
do not know! Well someone designate? DIZZY? .. It is 
impossible, the army propet! SEYMOUR? .. Not worth it, I know 
him from the war farce suit! A aa! Pineapple! Let the brain by 
the first explosion knocked, let not hear or speak does not 
know how, but oretto how, when explodes! Born general! Thus, 
What next? "3) find a diplomat (diplomat - is not a suitcase, 
and such a person) to see if that - the treaty, however, the 
conditions of surrender. "That a diplomat, I know whom to 
appoint! Loudmouth ... He So download them ... smoke from the 
ears in flocks! .. "4) when positions are distributed, it is 
possible, however, and the company start ...".




                 *



                  Chapter 2.

         CHIEF saves his General Staff.



     CHIEF, gleaming in the sun epaulets, galloping
along the main street ... At a military warehouse NDRM he stole
fuse of the bomb.
 - Yeah, but that's the main (and only) Prison! ..



    ... To the warden jumped iron:
 - I advocate pineapple! Why do you put him?
He's totally harmless!
 - Article 48 of the Criminal Code NDRM - "Corruption and
arson of private and public property. "
 - Yes, but he just quietly walked around the park!
 - Yeah, walking ... Only when he had a tendency to 
occasionally explode and re-materialize ... And where is now 
the park? There's a crater scorched remains! ..

 - It happened by accident! No one hurt ...
 - That's just it was this that was an accident ...
 - The first time you can and forgive! ..
 - Well, how about a peaceful walk through the gas station? ..
 - There's no sign: "DO NOT SMOKE!"
 - For no ... How about ...
 - Enough, enough! You listen to, so my client
quarter of the city blew up ...
 - To be exact, 0.21!
 - Can I see him? ..
 - Of course!

    ... Sight, appears before the thing when you open the cell 
door, his expectations - the fuse pulled out of pine ... 
CHIEF-time gift did not lose - to quickly put the fuse in the 
pineapple ... 


    ... The governor was very surprised, seeing as
attorney with uncanny speed im run out of prison ...


    ... Headlines the next day stated:

      "Vyglyante out the window!" Where is the jail? "



     A CEO in the meantime found a talker ... Unfortunate 
philosopher sitting in a psychiatric hospital near the Wall. 
Dozens of leading psychiatrists sweating, panting, but the 
depth of the perverted mentality Loudmouth understand could not 
... 


    ... In the House vskakal iron in a white robe. Professor 
blinked in surprise ...  - Iron in a bathrobe?? Cuckoo! I - 
Napoleon Bonaparte! Devil's work ... Who lead the, from, and 
rack up! Iron-doctor dreaming! .. Wow! No, I will go away from 
sin! ..  - Privet! Yyaa has CHIEF - professor of New 
Kamchatskougo issledouvatelskogo instituuta p-Azuma and 
parapsihoulogishen ...  - Iron says? Iron - a professor? 
La-la-la! ... Cook's River! I - Gaius Julius Caesar! 
Maa-a-maa-a! 

     Professor quickly washed away. Each of them
feared that a foreigner had come just for him ... In
House was left alone, do not understand it, a nurse. She 
clapped luxurious lashes, and I thought worth-whether to marry 
this alien ...  - How do you say your name, sir? - She asked

a little later. - And from what country are you from?
 - My name ut GLAUNY, I Chukotka ... but ...
 - Ah-ah-ah! - Just lost all interest in the nurse - ... 
Naturally!  - Sister, bring the pions bi-molecular

polarizer!
 - Uh-uh ...
 - And no, "Uh!". I know that hard. Take assistants! Or (here's 
eyes narrowed CHIEF) ... you do not know what pions 
bi-molecular polarizer? .. Chapter 6, paragraph 4 - the 
discrepancy service requirements ...  - Yes, I know! This sort 
of thing ... uh-uh ... Well, in general, so ...


     Frightened by his sister disappeared behind the door of 
the chamber. CHIEF quickly unwound straitjacket

Chatterbox, a gag, however, did not take long ... Promptly 
rescued Wall, the great commander hastened to leave the 
hospital ... 


                 *



                  Chapter 3.

       CHIEF summerschools appeal.


 - ... They are thrown us into prison, and narcological 
psychiatric hospital ...  - ... And yet in the sobering-up 
stations! .. - Added DIZZY, who managed to escape from the 
clinic.  - But most important of their crime is that they

live in the real world! Do not give raspolztis our world black 
tentacles reality! .. (Rapturous applause). Sign up for our 
army! (Much less enthusiastic and loud applause).

Today begins the summer appeal! (Very, very
sparse claps). All undergo a medical examination! Urged all 
aged from 18 to 50 years! (The audience claps only one DIZZIN 
GRANDPA (see glossary)). However ... not encouraged to 
absolutely everything ... (Deathly silence is replaced by a 
whistle and a hail of rotten fruit, Seymour sighs with envy - 
so successful he was not even dreamed of). For disobedience - 
shot, we have martial law! .. (Noise priutih, when General 
dangerously jumped on the podium). The medical board today with 
a 17:00. I have everything!  - And I - the question! - 
Blatantly butted Pooh. - To feed the army will be?

 - A front 100 grams? - Startled DIZZY ...


    ... CHIEF intently read the section "medical board". 
Loudmouth produced recruiting volunteers. Pineapple engaged 
ammo selection ... 


     Loudmouth returned an hour later, volunteers went DIZZY 
(he lectured Loudmouth bottle) and VINNIPUH, a jar of condensed 
milk ... 


     Pineapple in half an hour pinned a large batch
Helmets. After that, our heroes are engaged in campaigning ... 
On the photo posters depicted a DIZZY in Budenovka. His hand 
(in theory ought to indicate to the viewer) was compressed in a 
familiar gesture (vodka is?), and his eyes strayed to the pile 
... Banal inscription on the placard reads: 

      "Have you enlisted?"



         * TO BE CONTINUED *

(C) AK-47
Music: BY Mr.Z / HWC



                48 IRON


                (Continued)



                  Chapter 4.

               The medical board.



     17:00 ... In the courtyard of Staff reluctantly marched
"Recruits".

     ... SEYMOUR entered the room ... At the table, including
surgical tools (chain saws, hunting
knife, cutting ax, ticks, etc.) sitting
DIZZY if SEYMOUR tried to trace the
his pupils, the head had he just spun.
 - I - x-hirg! At-a lament that?
SEYMOUR, of course, to get into the army did not try.
 - Why, in the side of something pricks! - He said, relying on 
the incompetence of doctors.  - Sun-covering show-Jet! - DIZZY, 
clutching a dagger, crawled across the table. - What the hell, 
this uneven floor? But despite this, my hand will not tremble! 
.. Then he showed SEYMOUR his hand ... hand galloping,

like a horse Budyonny ...
 - Hmm, I wonder why I have nine arms? Was
two ... or three ... I certainly do not remember ... And what 
of the them to do the operation? Probably still third from left 
... Here this ... One, two, three ... Aha! Hey what? Well Fuck 
you ... do this now!  - Everything is gone! .. - Yelled Seymour.

 - Too late to retreat, and nowhere else! .. You know what? 
Come on, I'm better Chainsaw prooperiruyu?. 

     ... From the door marked "Surgery" popped up as
scalded, Seymour. "I'm going to volunteer! Volunteer go! .." - 
He shouted ... 


     ... SMAGLI entered the office uhogorlonosokulista.
In his personal standing among "healthy", and it was
his last chance ...

     At the table, in a robe doctor sat CEO.
SMAGLI heart sank - there was no chance of ...

     On the opposite wall, the whole area occupied by a giant 
letter "A". CHIEF brought her pointer:

 - What is this letter?
 - "O", it seems ...
 - Right! You have excellent vision!
 - But ...
 - No buts! Smell that, in this jar?
It smelled bad, very bad ... Here in the memory SMAGLI
emerged, which took urine and feces ... It
here ... And Dylan (see glossary) handed over Cal in the same
jar ...
 - Fu, shit! ..
 - Exactly! It is the same! .. Good for you, the scent did not 
disappoint! A throat is not sore?  - It hurts, and how!

 - Well, I prescribe to you, and potassium cyanide
Arsenic ...
 - And from the throat to help?
 - From only help if the wound will lubricate
snake venom!
 - Write - "healthy", you scum! ..



     ... DIZZIN GRANDPA entered the room with the words 
"therapist.  - Sign-login! - Glad Winnie the Pooh, raising 
medical cap, above the eyes.  - At that complain? ..

 - What?! .. But, complaining that? (Pulls out a medical book 
and spectacles, read the next 2 hours.)  - M-uh ... yeah! - 
Scratching his chin, looked WINNIE shelves with empty bubbles 
from under the drugs (our Doctor looking for a sweet medicine, 
but broken off). Nothing to write! .. Maybe ... No, ... Uh-uh 
... Aha! Right now We will listen to you! (Pulls out a 
stethoscope, vertical view). Well, where is it? .. So? .. No! 
.. So? .. Too, no! .. (Trying to shove into a wall outlet). 
Yes, and the current was over! (Sticks in my eyes) The 
visibility is zero! .. Could and to warn of the weather 
forecast! Well, God bless him! .. (Throwing shoulder) Listen 
without that damn ... (Walks over to his grandfather, 
listening). As there are doctors doing? .. Breathe ... Do not 
breathe ... Did not breathe, yet more ... Now breathe! .. I 
said - breathe! Deaf, what? And, just dull (takes out a shout, 
shouts) Breathe, creepy bastard! You will not see me, you in 
intensive care ... 



     Dylan crammed into the office and dentist
locked the door behind him, Dylan was waiting outside the door 
with a pineapple elekrodrelyu, poprygivaya in place of 
impatience ... Dylan knocked down the door and rushed to record 
a volunteer ... 


     ... The door opened, and appeared on the threshold Wall.
 - Come in! Are you someone else? - Asked 
Loudmouth-nervopsihiatr. - Wait, do not tell, I'll try to guess 
... Napoleon? .. No! .. Caesar? .. No? .. Lenin? .. Again

No!. Washington? Kohl? Ho Chi Minh? .. Also there? Bluebeard? 
Captain Blood? Batman ...? And do not these?. Well, I'm tired 
of you! .. Who are you? .. Wally! It just do what? You - Wally? 
Do not be ridiculous! Before you were one of Bonaparte and 
Roosevelts! .. Here, for example ... To the case, saying, go? 
Well, all right! At that complain? At sleepwalking? Verify 
nervishki ... Here's my hammer ... (Takes a healthy 
sledgehammer) Put foot-by-step! What! Remembered that he had 
recovered from sleepwalking? Sclerosis, means! Just for the 
prevention of the head just once must go! .. Stop! Where?.




     ... At the end of summer recruitment, CEO urged
under his banner brave people Regiment NDRM.



                  Chapter 5.

         "It is hard to scientists - fight easy!"



     ... Before building new recruits poprygival CEO, who had 
read the chapter on "teaching".  - Well, greenhorns, now you 
will be trained ... Here are your instructors - Sgt DIZZY and 
General pineapple! 



     Shooting range ... Sergeant DIZZY unsteady hand
leads extracted with great difficulty, rifle at the target ... 
Trembling hand presses the trigger ... Bullet swath from the 
target degrees such things at 90 ... The target, however, 
shatters into pieces ... And it seems that the sergeant fired a 
bazooka, and not from an old rifle ... Somewhere, on the part 
of the exploded The general target appears. Sergeant encircles 
system recruits scornful glance:

 - Well, who wants to try first? ".
Willing and have not found ...
 - Well! Then go ... go ... SEYMOUR ...

     Miserable rookie trudged to the rifle ...
Charge it for ten minutes it ... Suggests another fifteen ... 
The remaining recruits and instructors prefer to hide in the 
trenches ... A shot rang out (or explosion ?)!!! Smoked SEYMOUR 
stood with rifle barrel razvorochennym ... At the same brand 
new target, exactly in the center, could see a round hole ...  
- Pop ... - Managed to stammer SEYMOUR before Instructors 
attacked him with fists ... 


     The field covered by a layer of mud, "running"
(Supposed to be run, in fact, the fastest of them would give 
way to the primacy of even a turtle) three dozen tortured, 
filthy recruits ... SMAGLI, adjusting his helmet and looked 
around: Instructors can not see around - you can try to turn 
the corner ... Grasshopper dived into the bushes ... In the 
bushes was a sergeant Winnie the Pooh with a machine gun in 
their hands ... Grasshopper slipped back - in order ...



     ... Snout (see glossary) struggling to cope ... More
would - you would be loaded on the vast and useless
helmet, gas mask, rifle, ammunition, and suhpaek
etc. In this case, the little pig put foot
tarpaulin boots size 45 ... "We need to slip away, oh, right!"

     Winnie the Pooh sat in the bushes and had finished suhpaek,
CHIEF order was concise and simple - all deserters decided to 
do! .. When asked WINNIE, what are these "dezyu-and-rtiry, 
chief almost without battering explained that it was all those 
washed with the teachings ... 


     Piglet jumped into the bushes, threw the heavy
ammunition and took to their heels ...
 - Wait, dyuzertir! I'll shoot! - Said solid
voice. We can not say that the soul went into Piglet
heel. There she lived constantly. But his legs bold
warrior buckled ...
 - I-to-hand over-yus in-in-the films-en! Only spare!
 - There was an order - to finish all dyuzertirov as such ... 
Someone also reminds me that dyuzertir? ..  - Vinny, it did I - 
Piglet!  - No! - In a firm voice snapped bear. - You

dyuzertir disguised as Piglet! Pray for better!
 - WIN-NIII! .. - The silence was broken machine gun ... More 
from the landfill is not ran one ... 

 -... A soldier must be able to absolutely everything! - 
Instructively said DIZZY, unwinding with a screwdriver General 
Pineapple, served as a visual aid for demining work. - ... Even 
disarm the bomb ... The main thing guess posting ... (DIZZY 
stopped short: from the womb unstrung pineapple sticking out 
about three dozen wires ...) Your mother ...


     ... He is still posting a bite ... There was a loud 
explosion ... When the thick smoke cleared, the test area was 
empty ... Half an hour later found DIZZY - he hung on the bank, 
10 km from the landfill ...  - Well, do not guess! .. It 
happens to everyone!. 



     ... Before the future nurses stood windbag
CHIEF instructed him to instruct on medicine. Loudmouth heard 
this word first time ...  - Uh-uh ... - Began chatterbox. - So 
true ... Well, in general, it is ... Who will tell me what the 
medicine? ..  - Medicine? .. - Repeated Daisy (sm.slovar). 
"Well, is when the wounded being treated there ...

 - Ah! It is now clear ... In short, when soldiers are wounded,
he needed to amputate the injured limb immediately ...
 - And, if the head wound?
 - Amputated head ...
 - And in the body?
 - Finish is better soon, so do not suffer ... Then
fresh wound is filled with iodine. If there is a much yelling
apply anesthesia ... Here is a list of elementary sets nurse 
email:  1) itself is a nurse. . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 pc.

 2) chainsaw (for amputation). . . . . . 1 pc.
 3) Sledgehammer (anesthesia). . . . . . . . . . . . 1 pc.
 4) Iodine (minimum). . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 liters.
 5) Earplugs. . . . . . . . . . . . 2 pack.
 6) Gun (bad finish). . . 1 pc.
 7) bullet (to have enough for the whole regiment). . a lot.



                  Chapter 6.

      "Armor is strong and our tanks are fast."



     CHIEF read the section "Armour." Section
read: "However, the white man, a soldier uses a large Oleshko 
without horns. The color of this Oleshko, however, as the 
sunset, but only green. Strong skin, large eyes, usually a 
male. " 

     ... The chief duty of searching for a tank that can be
could buy with the money allocated by the Chukchi command to 
help the brotherly people of ... 

     The only tank that can still be purchased for such a 
pittance, had just the right color (though slightly salad), the 
rusty front end it hung laybochka "ZAZ" (see glossary), and 
repair, in which the tank is much needed, even embarrassed

Optimistic CHIEF ...


     ... Odno egg soldiers - DENZIL was good
mechanic ...
 - So .., the wing must cook ... hum ... wheel change
need, ... oh, hell .. Fuel tank punctured ... also need to brew 
... paint was peeling all ... And some idiot brought up the 
exhaust pipe inside the cabin? It is easier to blow up this 
jalopy to the dogs ... Okay, I'll go so far for paint, and you 
get to work ... 

     ... When DENZIL returned with a bucket of paint khaki work 
seething vengeance. Daisy and Dori cooked wings in large 
saucepan. The wheels were replaced by ... on BelAZovskie ... 
But the something funny (or not so?) lay in the fact that drunk 
just DIZZY At that moment, brought to the fuel tank punched 
included autogen ...  - Neee-EET! - Managed to shout DENZIL not 
his voice, before there was an explosion ... Cooked wing

DENZILA knocked off his feet ... Intact, slightly smoky DIZZY 
stubbornly dragged candle to autogen the place where a couple 
of seconds ago was Machine ... Even more grimy and Daisy Dori, 
predatory baring his teeth, approached the DIZZY ... However, 
DENZIL ahead of them ... DIZZY long afterwards washed off with 
a paint khaki ... 



     * END OF NEXT ISSUE *



ischno baring his teeth, approached the DIZZY ... However, 
DENZIL ahead of them ... DIZZY long afterwards washed off with 
a paint khaki ... 



     * END OF NEXT ISSUE *



DOS


               (DDT "Rain")



DOS ... The blue veil of the screen is filled pure DOS.
Mouse ... Became vdryg square, lost formy mouse.
I broke the window, devyanostopyatoe favorite window
I put the DOS, and then yvidel: is happiness - that's it.


Hryuknyl hard drive, and iron quietly under zaryrshalo
 table ...
Zagryzilos! Hey, let's us see what how much;
Come on DOS and let's work ymnoy his head ...
See the same myself! Because DOS is not a fairy tale, it's true:
 he was with you!


Tears on the glasses ... Weird glasses, and maybe tears
 face ...
DOS cleared everything, everything that was superfluous y me
 C: drive
I pressed F8, and hilarious Norton ydalyal me everything:
Forty megabytes. Maybe even more, maybe even
 sixty.


And I introduced: the city flooded vdryg razymnymi
 Persons:
Everyone came under DOS, but damn WINDOWS - ydalyali,
 dammit.
Forgetting WORD, COREL DRAW, and other real
 Hemorrhoids
People put the DOS, as if in paradise come in DOS,
Plain, pure DOS ...


                 *