Deja Vu #05 31 мая 1998

Юмор

attempt at writing - Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh part 2.

SoundTrack: SECTOR / SERIOUS S.G. '97 (CMG98)
__________________________________________


(C) Alex Kopytkov
__________________________________________



   Happened in my well, though given enough time, came to much
better. (That I was just making excuses in advance for
did not come out scenes, as well as for non-
very funny jokes (or maybe vice versa)).



          Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh



                 Part 2



   So, after long-term otsizhivaniya
in the bushes, Winnie went home. Last
booze and funny Piglet much effect upon the nerves of the bear, 
he walked through the woods, cursing everything in the world: 
and Piglet, and vodka, and trees that are too often flew Pooh's 
nose. After the fifteenth counter wood Winnie realized that the 
best solution - it obrulivat trunks.


   "That's home!" - Exclaimed the bear,
came to his shack. Door, or rather its
the absence of a few disappointed Pooh. Kick
There was nothing. Winnie went inside and looked around. 
Everything was in place: a sock with stripes waited patiently 
for his pair in the system unit, a cake, or rather its remains, 
waiting for the broom on the floor, and empty bottles of beer 
quietly awaited their fate in the corner room. Pooh sat down at 
a computer and only if noticed that before him stood two 
monitors - a teddy bear somewhat puzzled. Winnie the closed 
hand one eye - Monitor remaining two, then closed the second 
Pooh Eye - Monitors disappeared. "Bugs." - Diagnosed by a bear 
cub and then to get rid of at least one of the glitches, with 
Winnie scale vdaril one of the monitors. The latter fell to the 
floor in the remains of the cake and izadal sound exactly 
resembling the sound of falling to the floor monitor. Winnie 
satisfaction sighed and turned on comp. After the dreary and 
totally useless process that mere mortals are called rebooting, 
manifested all the command line We did not love MS-DOS'a. 
Suddenly the line letters began to appear, and soon they formed 
the words: "Hey, Vinny!" Pooh looked at the modem that no signs 
of Life is about a week and realized that information from the 
outside do not be. Then, my head began to form a crazy thought: 
"Does not the computer talks to me?" Although the prospect was 
promising, but Vinnie tried to get rid of this thought. He did 
not want to become another patient in an insane asylum, only 
one of which was the rabbit, there he recorded on two reasons: 
firstly, because of its obscure attraction to the button F8, 
and secondly, and that most importantly - Rabbit did not like 
beer. Thoughts bear dispelled by the new a phrase that appeared 
on the monitor: "Vinnie, why do not you answer?" 

   Suddenly there was a knock, Pooh abruptly shut down
computer and was going to open the door, but remembered that 
she was not called: - Come in!

- Hi, Vinnie. - Greeted Piglet.
- Great.
- You repaired my monitor?
- Almost. - Said Pooh, otgrebaya hind paw remnants of cake and 
a monitor under the table. - Winnie, and I device for reading 
punched cards bought it! Pupils Pooh widened and he spoke

quite a long sentence, of which, omitting materki, Piglet 
realize that this whole pizhnya obsolete. After such verbiage 
Bear is hot and hung. Piglet knew what to do in such cases, and 
always was ready for them. He took from an old sports bag a 
bottle of beer and pomayachil it at Pooh eyes. Fluff reacted as 
a group, capture and is captures the subject, available at 
Piglet in the hands of teeth and opened the lid. Then out of 
the box in table was produced by a miracle survivor pack

Bond'a. "Bond - is a bluff!" - Said Piglet and fished from his 
pocket a small panties CAMEL'a pack. Winnie apparent on the face

grimace of pleasure and he almost let a tear, but when the pig 
opened the bag and saw a neatly packaged Pooh: bacon, dried 
fish and a few bottles beer and his favorite video cassette - 
Hacker, then on Piglet inundated with words of gratitude, and 
strong legs Winnie squeezed piglet on friendly open arms ... 

-----------------------------------------********* 
********************************* 
----------------------------------------- 


           Computer Syndrome



   And now I'll tell you about a disease called "computer 
syndrome". Just want to tell you that it is terrible disease 
and it spreads very quickly.


   Cause of the disease - your computer. Few
people have immunity against the disease. The main 
characteristics of having immunity to the COP (Computer 
Syndrome): or stupidity, or aversion to computers, or

hatred of the game, or armless, or blindness, or fear of any 
existing on electricity things. 

   So now about the disease. Syndrome
begins at time of purchase company. The first
signs: you want to buy a PC with as much as possible clever 
device, you are ready to pay any money for it. After purchase 
you will definitely want to quickly turn the complex and see 
what he can do. A week later you get tired of watching Norton 
on the blue and you start frantically search for the operating 
systems that use graphical interface. After

appears you have such a system, you at least
feverishly start looking for some
programs and utilities for her. Stuffed into the screw
any nonsense, you get pleasure
not the result of working with a computer, but simply
from communion with him. After a while you
understand that no company you become
boring - this is the last step to strengthen the disease in the 
body. Next all the effects just begin to grow. 

   People, sick of the COP, can not normally live without 
company. If a patient separated from the computer, it is often

empties into the booze or begins to apply
drugs that somehow
compensate the loss of a computer.

   If a person lives near you
then in any case do not tell him such things when he is sitting 
at the computer: "Go sleep, "" I would go though a walk, and 
then the whole day sitting at a computer, "" Sit down and do my 
homework, "" Sitting at the computer is injurious to health "." 
And most importantly: do not yank the cord from the outlet 
companies, when it is turned on, and if you do this,

do not be surprised if the patient is crying:
"You killed him, you killed him!". Well, it seems
everything. Oh, someone's hand goes to the wire. Not
do it ..!

-----------------------------------------********* 
********************************* 
----------------------------------------- 


           Parody of ads



   Look at your monitor, you see,
what lies behind them. Rotate the screen to me ... Sorry for 
the presence of an image on your monitor, we see that in the 
future this will not happen again. 

   Use the paste blend-a-med, and yellow
plaque on your teeth disappear, they will
white, like ... well, do not even know that. Together
with teeth can turn white and you - a side effect, he carefully 
described on the package. 

   Guerrillas, drink vodka, "Rasputin", you
can flirting with him as the top,
and below. Do not be surprised if, after
two bottles of it will no longer wink at you, maybe he was 
tired, and maybe you asleep.


   Dzhilet, horseradish in the world of razors neeeeet!

   I take TIDE'om and my teeth do not
no villi, no pellets ... And, it is an advertisement
Washing powder?

   In the critical days of the pads I use OK obi. I can not 
imagine how my legs would be sweating if this strip does not 
absorb moisture. I think that soon insoles out of fashion, and 
instead people will be use pads. (From GORODKA.REMIX)


   MMM - three directors of our company:
1 - Asshole.
2 - Merin.
3 - Merry Zhopins.
The last woman, as such, is not.

   Bonze - a game for money, your money.

   Cheers, Auntie Asya arrived! Again, two cisterns AS'a 
brought! Well, Aunt Asya, well I told you - it is still a stain 
does not wash out. 

   Through many years of research,
They found that in order to get rid of dandruff, you need to 
wash your hair. 

   - Wow, lope devchenak! Both are on, I Cavo
I see.

   You do not see anybody, you just stuffed
chocolates M'M's.

   - Well, what you bring, my daughters?
Older: Bring AMIG'u.
Average: And I MACINTOSH.
JR: And I, sir, bring SEG'u.
"That pervert." - He thought his father and nothing
Junior did not bring back.


                    TO BE CONTINUED ...


-----------------------------------------********* 
********************************* 
----------------------------------------- 

                  Neighbors



   Let's see who are the neighbors?
First of all - people, and secondly - it's the people who live 
beside you. Ie on one landing in a "pocket" in a stairwell in a 
nearby private house, etc. etc. . All relate to his

neighbors in different ways: some people love them, some one 
they can not tolerate. Today I'll tell you about a few kinds of 
neighbors. 


            A neighbor brought up.



   About this kind of talk briefly. This is a good, honest 
people. They can be trusted. Does not represent any danger. 

   The exception - the students seemed to be decent people. No 
person shall interfere. Sit and teach lessons, but please! Be 
vigilant, appearances are deceiving. During these angelic

view hidden mere devils. Especially
need to be cautious in the days of the issuance of 
scholarships. These days they drink, smoke, and more God knows 
(pardon me, a sinner), what they do. And after those days, 
better to imagine them not to let all eat, right down to the 
smallest particles of organic matter (believe me, they know 
what it is). 


             Neighbor freeloader.



   Very bad form. Often an arrogant, cunning people. Do not try 
to hide behind the door, they know when you are at home, and 
when you do not. Often these people come to borrow money. IN NO

Not give them money. They will give their whole vechnost.Esli 
such a request is received for the first time, kneel and swear 
that you have no money. If you refuse the first three times, 
then to you for money they will not come.


   Means of struggle: to keep them to yourself
home. When you open the door much cough, draw a grimace of pain 
on his face and tell me what you're flu. In the extreme If much 
cough you can not, pretend that you go somewhere or going to do 
the cleaning (this version is weaker than the previous two). 


             Neighbor knocking.



   It's an unpleasant kind of neighbor that all
time doing something, something pierce the wall, and then 
something drops into the same wall because it does not work.


   Means of Control: You can run to him
in an apartment (or house, even better) cockroaches. Then he 
will be busy excretion above the house and for a long time stop 
beating. You can knock him the wall (he pacify), but it will 
affect not last long, instinct takes over, and everything will 
begin anew. 


             Neighbor screaming.



   It's neighbors, who often quarrel. Suggest a lot of noise 
and disturb you. 

   Means of struggle: there are two options.
1) Go and tamp neighbor face.
2) Go and make peace neighbors.
Make no mistake: the first method is more efficient
but the second is more secure.


             Neighbor top.



   This is a neighbor who is constantly stomping on
his apartment.

   Control methods, except firearms, not
exists. (I hope that this will not happen)


         Neighbor, driving moonshine.



   Also known as the neighbor whose
continuously flowing water.

   Means of struggle: go to the basement and turn off the water 
(cold). 


             Neighbor playing.



   This is a neighbor who constantly plays in
komputernye game. Often harmless, but
There is an exception. This neighbor, who plays
in 3D hodilki. Sometimes the sounds of gunfire and exploding 
grenades bored. 

   Means of struggle: to turn off the electric switch. If 
you're lucky, you zaportite him the game. 


   Well, perhaps that's all. Successful you are fighting
for peace and quiet.

P.S. Call the new species neighbors, and I
discuss how to deal with them.

rotokola survey medallion)


  "Neighbors systematically poison me with their
goat, why come to my vegetation
deplorable state "(from statement)


  "Recently they have scored a new career victory - went on the 
10-mile line to nadoyu milk from a cow. "


      (Newspaper "Rural nov)


  "You are allowed to live even one day. Following this I can 
not help you."  (Warning: hotel manager)



  "Valuables and money turn in banschitse.
For lost things banschitsa not responding. "

           (Advertisement)


  "Canning mushrooms, garlic, I remind once again, very 
dangerous! Therefore, we strongly recommend that rolled into 
banks Pour mushrooms into a saucepan, boil for 45 minutes and 
pull down the drain. " 

      (The newspaper "Grozny office)


  "Citizens!
Take care of garbage disposal, it is your house where you live! 
"(Announcement) 


  "Jellied beef with horseradish appetizer"

     (From a restaurant menu "Kama)


  "Patients at 7 am to bury all!"

    (Announcement in Ophthalmology)



        16-22 13h, 17h, 19h, 21h


           PASSWORD DID TWO


             16-18 11h, 15h


         Captain at Fifteen


              19-22 11h, 15h


              OLD HOTTABYCH



  "Lamb roast pork natural"

              (From the menu)


  "Harness and otpryazhka hoofed carts. (From the dress)


  "So, over 6 months now without moving statement tenants N12 
replacement through cracks in the master ZHKO Indyukova.


            (Representation)


  "Please give me 20 rubles in honor of wages." (From the 
statement) 


  "The central warehouse has reinforced concrete
about 20 cubic meters., unattended, lying in a heap.
Remains of the superintendent BURMAKINA. "(From the Act)


  "The cost of spare parts to repair
household appliances and hours collected from
clients received by the warehouse on the invoice. "

              (From the Act)


  "It is interesting that the language of whale length about
thirty feet and weighing about twenty
tons, weighs 4,000 kilograms. "

     (Newspaper "Caucasian health resort)


  "Rusakov AI July 1, 1981 went to
work. In the park near the plant to him something horrible in 
the eyes. He went to a health center. In the health center at 
Rusakov AI nothing found. July 2, AI Rusakov turned

to the clinic, where they found a foreign
body and was given sick leave. "(From the Act)


  "This is a nurse who knows how to do everything
- So speaks of Sannikova chief nurse at the hospital, Anna A. 
Igrina. - She is so called - the sister of a wide profile. Take 
the patient - will bring to the end. " 

    (Newspaper "Nefteyugansky worker")


  Plate. Tourists!

  20.VI poizvoditsya linen. Even
changing rooms with odd. Administration. "(The ad on the hostel)


  "I'll start with some positive examples. After a critical 
article," The whole village a pig, "published in" Kalinin truth 
", chairman of the kolkhoz" activist "BA Protchenko was always 
help in the acquisition of collective farmers and pigs feed. As 
a result, the number of pigs in private farms that farm workers

in the past year has doubled. "

      (Newspaper "Kalinin truth")


  "On the basis of liquefied natural gas established team of 
anglers." 

       (The newspaper "Lenin's words)


  "The Commission GAI, being drunk, stripped the driver's 
license for a period of to 5 years and fined drivers Chulkin VE 
of rayselhoztehniki, Tutykina SA with Shlakovskoy depot.


          (Newspaper "Leninist")


  "In 1979, scheduled in the calculation of each cow commercial 
herd to get 108 calves. After reading these lines, some may

to doubt the reality of what was said, and experts and 
milkmaids "Sunrise" this figure considered minimal. " 

      (The newspaper Orlovskaya Pravda)


  "Diary of agricultural work.

  According to operative data of the agriculture department 
executive committee, on the morning of 19 March to the 
wintering grounds of public livestock farming area brought up 
56 211 tons of manure (70% to the job). "


       (The newspaper "The Banner of the Homeland")


  "The first were presented with a certificate of
childbirth Arcadia Gavrilovich and Galina Aneurolepidium, whose 
family born twin daughters, Irina and Marina,

Oksana, Natalya, Tatiana, Julia, Alexander,
Dmitry, Dennis Roman, Eugene-wonderful
names were kids. "

        (Newspaper "Kama nov)


  Club of voters at the cannery and
did not cease their work. If there are dog lovers clubs and 
women ... "(Newspaper" Michurinskaya true ") 


  "I bring to your attention that Comrade. Gelanenko VA issued 
a seine: Number of 1 unit for fishing in length 88 meters. "


           (From the notice)


  "Comrades, man!

  Be brave, push women
the cabin! "

    (Request a crowded bus)


  "We raised this question point-blank and turned around its 
axis." 

             (From the speech)


  "With regard to my looks, he says,
that the facility PMK-21, someone called and
said: "What Fyokla you sent me?".
I'm sure no one at my
could not tell. I act on objects
politely, as expected.

  Yuri Pavlovich himself coined the word
"Thekla" to humiliate and finally me
kill morale. And he got his, I have
exactly one week can not look at myself in the
mirror, not to think that I Thekla.
 (From the explanatory memorandum assistant san
  physician)

"In the men's salons will give you courage." (Advertising 
hairdressing) 


  "Who's seen a goat with a flaky side,
with one horn, please inform the following address:
st. Labor, Building 11. If this man, then
get a bottle! If a woman is that she
wish. Goat they call Maria Ivanovna,
color black. Soon to be farrowed.

            (Advertisement)


  "Hairstyles of the names" Sessun "," Garson "
"Hope" are almost identical, differing only backwards. "(In a 
barber shop) 


  "Shilov, a true fighter for justice,
openly going to any compromises in reaching the truth. "

      (The newspaper "Soviet Armavir)


  "Winners!" Urgently also will appear near the podium for the 
ceremony. Not in a muzzle and not the form will not be 
rewarded. " 

  Plate. Participants! Carefully wipe the muzzle from the 
saliva to facilitate dental examination system.

 (Advertisements for the exhibition of dogs)


  "Plan for the Elimination of staff's office at
case of fire. "


  "Duck clean ... With a knife, gently separate the meat from 
the guests ...". 

      (The newspaper "The Banner of Communism)


  "The Palace of Culture" Metallurgist "holds

              February 7

  Small Hall. University of the future newlyweds. "On the 
essence and beauty of relationships future spouses. "


              February 8

  A large hall. In the 19 hours 30 minutes - "My
wife - a liar "in the formulation of the Udmurt
musical theater. "

   (Newspaper Advertising Week of Udmurtia)


  "Rent vremyanka. Courtyard pavement, water supply, the owner 
does not drink and other comforts." (From advertisement) 


  "Due to the departure of a cow is sold with a stroller M-62.


  "The cars on the list wagonload.

  Shipping Name: Sleeper new nepropitaya, length 2.75 m ".


  "For the poor control of the installation wizard
Mukhina NV reduce electrical shop in April
month by 20%. "(From the Order)


  "Girl with beef feet, go to
the counter. "(Voice barmaid)


  "Announcements.

  On May 8, Bath will be a mutual (male and
female). "


  "The evidence is not murder." A screen adaptation of the 
novel by R. Bartsch Man on the hill. "(Sputnik moviegoers)



  'Wash, bathe in a bath purchased at the box office ticket is 
allowed no more than one hour. " (Announcement in the bath) 


  "Dear comrades, the passengers!" Please do not
litter, do not smoke, do not lie on sofas,
Use the automatic camera store. "

   (Announcement of the station Radio)


  "Delivery people on the exhibition and sale."

      (From the reference to the route sheet)


  "For Sale apiary and bee-keeper-inventory."

             (From advertisement)


  "Feeding a calf house standing near walls,
and feed the calves have to ask a
ass. "(From speech)


  "The chief of department of Polunin

    EXPLANATORY

  I have not worked 14 to 17 November 1878,
because I went with a friend in the village Kremenkul, climbed 
with him in the cellar with Braga and could not get out there 
four days. " 


  "As a result, the full payment for
the resulting offspring, and its safety with seven cheoovek 
(four calves 2 months of age and three calves in the age of one 
month). "(From the act of revision) 



    Friendly guys

      with jam


      0 p. Since 2006 (Price list in the store)



  Traktor he's always on the go: an extra
just do not smoke, do not sit down, check whether all
properly. "(The newspaper" Dawn of Communism)


  "From 12 to 17 October this year in the dash
is shooting students on a rolling basis. "(Announcement)


  "For Sale stone house for firewood"

             (Advertisement)


  "... After all, people - like the battery. They must
each other warm. "

           (From a radio broadcast)


  "Eat and get out of myself."

  (Announcement in the dining room)


  "Went to work table. At the kiosk will be
after three hours. "(Stallman Announcement)


  "Deputy Director point to poor organization on the timely 
organization of accidents in ZHKO. "(Of Order)