01 апреля 2001

Программирование

           The Art of Spectrum Coding - Chapter I
                  by NaMcO of Raww Arse

It's NOT as easy as you  think. Definitely not, but I'll try  to
elucidate you a bit about the whole process.

First   of    all,   get   yourself  a  fire extinguisher.  This
is very  important, that's why i put it in first place,  just in
case   you overprogram  and  your  speccy  burns  up  in flames.  
You   will also need  a shitload  of patience for when you  were
about  to backup all your data on  tape, the powercut comes  and
you  lose  all  of  your 6  hours  of  continuous,  love-filled, 
gay-ridden work.

DO  NOT  EVEN TRY  TO  EAT. You  will  probably get  lost  among
McDonald's burgers and fries and forget all about your brilliant
programming ideas,  so when  you get  back to  work it'll be all
gone and  you will  be asking  yourself "Why  the heck can't the
Russians  build  grammatically correct  sentences?". Chances are
that some filthy coke will spill into your keyboard thus  ending
your dream to become an elite democoder.

Just when you're about  to code something, call  your girlfriend
(if you're gay this  won't work, so you  will have to call  your
Dad instead) and  tell her/him how  much you love  her/him. This
will give you an erection to make you feel more like a man (as I
said I don't guarantee it'll work on gay people).

Elton John can't  program - This  is just a  fact I thought  I'd
mention. Since we're  stating facts, I  might add that  Russians
can't spell.  The sky is blue  during the  day. The  sun is   so
bright you can't look at it directly. The spectrum is a  fucking
awesome machine, etc etc etc I think you get the point.

Now that you're  fully loaded with  your programming weapons  (I
hope you  got yourself  a Speccy!!!!)  you're ready  to face the
magnificent world of the "Art of Spectrum Coding". Oh dear.

Which  assembler to  use is  alway.... What do you mean  "What's
assembler????"  were you  thinking about  coding your  scrolling
name in  the border  with BASIC?   What  a fag,  get yourself  a
fucking Z80 assembler coding book and get back to the  beginning
of the text. Sheesh, Russians....

I just  remembered one  important thing:  Do not  use TRDOS  for
anything. This system has been  completely abandoned in the past
for being  the worst  OS (if)  present on the Speccy. Let's just
say  that if you want  to  do things  correctly  you   will  use
either a disciple  or a disciple. You  can also  use  a disciple 
but i strongly recommend the disciple. Its  brother  (this  word
looks so much like brothel....) the  PlusD is also a nice way to
store your data. Of   course if you  think  you have   too  much
cash   and  feel  like  being robbed  you  caninvest in   one of
those MB-02 thingies and then use all the software that has been
made for it - NONE.

Are we  ready  now?  I  guess we  are. Moving  on into  the real
world, your heart beats faster as you know the text that follows
will change your  life forever. It'll make your girlfriend  come
if you just glance into her eyes and eggs will fry in the fridge
by just  thinking  about it.  Oh, and  Russians  will  learn how
to spell, so  you  see  THE POWER  that  lies  beyond  this line
here --->  _____________________________________________________
               
FAQ - Frequently asked questions 

(I don't know why,  but everyone has one, so I wrote one myself)

Q) How the hell do I make a demo?

A) Fuck no, you're starting the wrong way around,  see.... demos
   are  for  elite  programmers  that  waste  their  programming
   skills  in  worthless   effects  just   to  impress    people
   instead   of getting  something out  of their  brains  that's
   actually useful. Forget the demos.

Q) Brain, what is a brain? - Do I need one?

A) It's something  that keeps your  two legs (unless  you had  a
   car accident)  from   walking  away from    each other.  It's
   also used for more stuff,  but you would need  a book with at
   least 1000000000000 pages to   describe it briefly.   At  the
   time of writing, yes, you do need one.

Q) Am I going to write a program and be famous instantly?

A) Unless your name is Namco, no, obviously not.

Q) Why do you keep saying you're an awesome programmer and  that
   you rock all?

A) I don't, I just program interesting stuff that actually is of
   some use to somebody.

Q) This FAQ is completely useless, shall we quit this now ?

A) Sure.

And well, I guess  this is it, you've  passed the main gate  for
being  a  superb Speccy  programmer  and in  the  future a  demo
programmer as  well (when  you're elite),  join us  next edition
where we  will discuss  the relation  between Speccy programming
and anal fucking of women with large tits. It's closer  than you
might think and Dr. NaMcO will show you, as usual, the  path  to
success.

Catch you soon!

NaMcO