01 апреля 2001

                              Tips
                         By Bogie / RA

OLD  telephone directories  make ideal  personal address  books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car  makes
a handy audible gauge for road bump severity. 

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone
by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear  and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. 
For BOMB disposal experts' wives  only . Keep hubby on  his toes
by packing his lunch box with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

LOSE weight quickly by eating  raw pork or rancid tuna.  I found
that the subsequent food poisoning/ diarrhea enabled me to  lose
12 pounds in only 2 days. 

AVOID parking tickets by  leaving your windscreen wipers  turned
to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. 

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the
dirt by simply peeling it off. 

EXPENSIVE  hair  gels  are a  con. Marmalade  is a  much cheaper
alternative, but beware of bees in the summer. 

APPLY red nail varnish to  your nails before clipping them.  The
red nails will be much  easier to spot on your  bathroom carpet.
(Unless  you have  a red  carpet, in  which case  a contrasting
varnish should be selected).

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes'  eyes bulge  and causes  them to  swim in an amusing
manner. 

IF A PERSON is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply  pour
a  jug  of  boiling  water down  their  throat  and  presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed. 

SAVE  ON  BOOZE by  drinking  cold tea  instead  of whisky.  The
following morning you  can create the  effects of a  hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging  your
head repeatedly on the wall.

MAKE  bath times  as much  fun for  kiddies as  a visit  to the
seaside by pouring  a bucket of  sand, a bag  of salt and  a dog
turd into the bath. 

INCREASE blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking. 

RECREATE the fun of  a visit to a  public swimming pool in  your
own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles
of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.