01 апреля 2001

                 Devious and Lethal Cocktails

               By Devious D of the United Minds

No doubt all you readers  out there like getting pissed  quite a
lot of the time! I know  I do! So you're probably wondering  how
best to spend  your money, so  you can get  'off the radar'  for
less money than you normally  spend. So here's some useful  tips
on how to accomplish this:

1. Don't bother with beer,  lager or any shit like  that. Start
   on the hard stuff, which is strong wine or anything stronger!

2. Don't go to the pub. They are real rip-off bastards, and will
   charge you  about  2  quid for   a pint  of  decent  beer. To
   get a decent amount  of  shorts  down  you, it'll cost    you
   an arm and  a leg.  Better still drink even more,  then it'll
   cost  you a leg and a leg, and then you'll always be legless!

3. Always go  to the off  license, not the  corner shop, as  the
   corner shops are also total rip-off bastards!

4. So now you're  at the off license.  If you're under age  then
   you probably won't  get served, but  don't worry about  that.
   Just borrow  some of   your older  brother's  trendy  gear or
   something. Good ways of getting served are:

A) Eat  your greens  for about  5 years  before you  want to get
   pissed.  Then you will be  so fucking tall the geezer  behind
   the counter wont believe you're not 18!

B) Get pissed before you go!!! Then remember to breathe  heavily
   on  the  bloke behind  the   counter and  he'll  think you've
   already been served somewhere  else, and so  will serve  you!
   Be careful with  this one, as  if you  actually  look pissed,
   then he may  not serve you,  as there is a  law that  says he
   cannot serve  someone who is already drunk (I think!).

C) Be incredibly tall, and don't act as if you're doing anything
   out of the ordinary. (It works for me!).

So here's what you should buy: (for 4 people)
   
    1 big bottle of thunderbird (Blue)
    4 little bottles of castaway
    4 cans of diamond white (also known as 'Diamond shite')
    4 cans of  kestrel super strength  lager (brewed to  10%   
    and has methanol added to give you a hangover, I  think.   
    Well it tasted like anti-freeze!)
    2 bottles of fizzy wine (at least 8%)

Now you go back to someone's house, take all of this shit up  to
their  bedroom,  and make  sure  for maximum  effect  that their
mother is sitting downstairs. (actually if you don't want to get
bolloxed you can kick her out or something)

Now you get four cups, and proceed to do the following:

Pour  your bottle  of castaway  into the  cup, then  a generous
measure of thunderbirds. Drink about  half of this, then top  up
with diamond shite. Then you can stir it round with your finger,
watch you  don't get  it burned  off. Then  drink another half a
cup, and  top it  up with  the kestrel  superstrength. Leave the
rest in  the can,  for reasons  we'll come  to later. Then drink
half of this. Now top up  with the fizzy wine & another  measure
of thunderbirds. Drink this  straight down and get  your nearest
mate to  help you  finish the  bottle of  thunderbirds. Now glug
down some fizzy wine, and  you will be pretty badly  pissed. How
can I put it? I know, let's just say that you will need to  keep
your head back  in case you  spill any. Then  drink your kestrel
lager, or if your a real BASTARD like one of my mates, then keep
it until later, and while someone's being sick pour it down  the
back of  their neck.  This will  make them  stink like a fucking
BREWERY! Anyway, now once you've  stood up, get all the  bottles
into a plastic bag, send your mate in to say that he's going out
to his mother. Before she can say anything RUN LIKE FUCK!

Now, with any luck you should  be out of your mate's house.  Now
take a detour all round the  streets until you find a real  neat
grass verge in front of someone's house. Now abandon the bag  on
the grass verge, and RUN LIKE FUCK.

By this time, you will  be being sick everywhere, etc.  and will
feel shivery and cold, and scared  to go home. Well now you  can
do what you like,  but if you've got  no imagination here are  a
few pointers:

If  you have  to be  home for  a certain  time then  lie on  the
pavement for an hour, then catch  the bus home. Puke on the  bus
floor, and fall asleep. Wake  up about two or three  stops after
you should have got off. Follow a short bloke all the way  home,
and then deny all knowledge of anything. Refuse to say  anything
without having  your solicitor  present. Then  blame your mates.
(This is what I did!!!)

If you're cold, then break into a shopping centre for warmth and
sleep it  off. Then  talk to  some six  year old  kids and cause
havoc in a video shop! (This is what my mates did!)

When you next see your mates you'll have loads to talk about,and
you can get kicked to bollocks and beyond off the guy you poured
lager on!!!

Enjoy,

Devious D