01 апреля 2001

                           Your Stars

                          By DOk / RA

Thanks to a glut  of interest in the  speccy scene, I thought  I
would make a little time and do an in depth voyage of  discovery
as to what the  future holds for all  of us, so don't  be scared
little  rabbit...   Read  on  and  find  out  why??   And   more
importantly, why not?? I've used a time tested ancient  Scottish
method of divining  the future here,  if you want  to try it  at
home, all you  need is a  bottle of vodka,  and a typewriter  or
word processor...   Have a Fun amigos, and don't blame me if you
spill on yer membrane ;cD



Aquarius
January 20 - February 18

Once the ship goes out,  your hassles in this country are almost
over. Now if only you can get out of the habit of  picking  your
nose every  time  someone  says, "nurse".  When the  moon is  in
ascendance, you  will suddenly   find yourself  attracted to the
Queen Mother, lets face it, its been a while  and  even Roseanne
Barr  is beginning  to  look kind  of attractive! 

Lucky Number: 42 (it's the answer you imbecile)
Lucky Animal: The Worm

Pisces
February 19 - March 20

Fishy huh??  Your kipper will  be kept in constant  action right
through  the  year, not   only will  you find  an  abundance  of
potential  victims, but you  will find that the more you do, the
more you want to! Your  unusually short height will not  prevent
you  from any  opportunities, and  you will  soon discover  your
forte is not in  the field that you  thought it was, its  on the
one at the back! If mad cow disease is  featured one more   time
in  the news,  don't kill  yourself, its  way too easy!

Lucky Number: 2244 (its your  pin number, now  you can  use your
              cash card again!)
Lucky Animal: The Emu 

Aries
March 21 - April 19

This year, you will find  that  random body parts keep  dropping
off, this may be due to the leprosy you developed while  hanging
about  in cheap  Taiwanese brothels, or may be  due to  the fact
that you  keep trying  to juggle  with chainsaws. You will  meet
an  attractive   person  with  a   letter  B  tattooed  on their
forehead.  Beware  the  ides  of  March,  and   small  men  with
kippers. 

Lucky Number: -12 (you don't know why, and neither do I)
Lucky Animal: The Alligator

Taurus
April 20 - May 20

While rooting   around in   your best  friends underwear drawer,
you  will come  across some  very  dodgy magazines with  midgets
doing unspeakable  things, so  I wont  speak about  them.  A few
minor  upsets in the  romance department,  and you  will realise
that the  gene pool just  doesn't need  any more of  you,  thank
god  for that.  Look out   for a  small dog called  "bucket" his
owner will lead  you to  a new less  interesting way  of passing
time while in  the bath. 

Lucky Number: 3 (No, You'll never have a threesome!)

Lucky Animal: Still...        The WoooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooooorm

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

Twins are great aren't they? This  year you will meet a pair  of
them, or perhaps not. Try not to make  a big deal over  the fact
you   aren't bald  yet  as  you just   never know  when it  will
happen! Smelly things are afoot  in your  local pub, namely  the
annual  cheese  sniffing competition,  try  not  to surprise the
locals as to where on your body is cheesy. It's not big and it's
not clever! 

Lucky Number: 68 (One day my friend, one day...)
Lucky Animal: The Zebra

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

If  its sex  you are  looking  for,  then don't  be  so  bloody
stupid! This  year heralds  big changes for you, you might  even
finally change   your underwear  in  time  for your  birthday. A
lunatic in your  family will somehow  discover about  your small
black box  in your  trousers,  just  deny all knowledge and   it
may   just blow   over, but   be prepared  to kill  them if  it
doesn't...  No  one must find out about  the invasion plans!

Lucky Number: 8 (one for every day of the week!)
Lucky Animal: Hahahaha...  its... "The Wooormmmm!!!!!"

Leo
July 23 - August 22

Someone you know will hire a hit man to kill you this year,  but
it's only  a joke  and they  don't mean  any harm  in it. Beware
European men wearing  sunglasses at night,  and claiming  to  be
plumbers. If   you get   asked to   do a   special appearance in
some   local  television  program   then  feel  free   to  smile
stupidly and make small  monkey noises when on camera,  in other
words,  just be  yourself and  try not  to vomit!  Plays can  be
interesting when you  decide that the  lead is a  bit of a  git.
Somehow you  will be  ok, despite  the below  average I.Q. 

Lucky Number: 70 (you do this too often!)
Lucky Animal: The Three-Toed Sloth

Virgo
August 23 - September 22

If you were a fungi, you  would have to be a  magic mushroom, if
only  for the brief periods  of insanity you produce  in  anyone
in  contact  with you.   Dogs will  find  you  ankles  to be  of
great  interest, even  more  so  than usual. If  the  government
happen to  find out about  your little "hobby" you are going  to
wish you never started stealing  them in the first place!  Drain
covers aren't  out to  get you,  despite how  you may feel about
them  in late October. 

Lucky Number: 12 (act your age, not your shoe size!)
Lucky Animal: tHe wOrM!!!

Libra
September 23 - October 22

Aaahhhhh...  wasn't  that  better??   Despite   your   ravishing
good  looks,   charm  and attractiveness, you  will be  as  lame
as possible  whenever you feel that things  are looking up   for
you! Sometime  in the near future  you will  be made  to eat   a
whole  bucket of  coleslaw  despite  the  fact  it  reminds  you
of   rabbit  vomit!  Gremlins  somehow  come to  reside  in your
filing cabinet,  and if  you  don't  have one  yet,  then go and
get one! Next  time don't leave   the case off your pc,  it  may
just save  your life! 

Lucky Number: 0 (Just go and die somewhere while you still can!)
Lucky Animal: The Skunk

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21

As a  Scorpio,  people often mistake  you for a  tree stump, its
not helping with  the fact  you  tend to wear  brown (and that's
not through  choice either  is it?)  Remember, all  bark  and no
bite   means  that you   are  barking and  not  biting! Somehow,
that's relevant to  your home life  and  your work  at  the same
time, mostly  when your  parents  leave you on your own  in dark
places! When  your neighbours  start to  chase you  with flaming
pitch and screaming for your burning, it means  its time to stop
grinning, and to  move out fast...   next time choose  somewhere
with a more  cosmopolitan attitude! 

Lucky Number: 180 (Time for you to start playing darts!)
Lucky Animal: The Banana?

Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21

Moomins and apricots will feature  heavily this  year, as   well
as   wet  wet   wet,  and   the  Beegee`s.  Somehow  this  seems
relevant to  you when  no  one else seems  to  have a  clue  why
you keep   rolling and   parping! Later  this year   you'll find
that  you've a  good  bit   of luck,   then wonder why it  never
happened    before.  Maybe   you   should've closed   the fridge
door and it would go off  so quickly? When in doubt, don't  just
attack   the smallest  kid  you  can  find  in the  street! Make
sure you get one with sweets so you can have them afterwards!   

Lucky Number: 2345783434562435245734524511357689641498237552 
              (its never easy with you is it?)
Lucky Animal: The WOOOORRRRRRRRRMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!

Capricorn
December 22 - January 19

As a potentially  dull person,  you come to realise that  no one
cares if you turn up  at the works night out or not, and lets be
honest, even  you  aren't  your type.  If you  had a bullet, you
would still need a gun,   and the blanks  you have   been firing
just don't  cut the   mustard. Perhaps you should  seek therapy,
or try a nice simple   bowl  of cornflakes every morning.   Near
to summer,   you will  find   that  wasps are  attracted to your
shampoo, so  try some  Mc Hammer,   its still  lame, but doesn't
make  you look as gay. 

Lucky Number: 1 (anything else would just be too complicated)
Lucky Animal: The Babel Fish