01 апреля 2001

Questions that Still Remain Unanswered (Well, not anymore)

By NaMcO of Raww Arse

Quite  simple  it  is. People  have  asked,  scientists couldn't
answer, but  alas, I  can!. Fear  not since  Dr. NaMcO is highly
instructed  in the  Art of  Speccy Programming  (see my  article
elsewhere in this magazine) and so his answers shall be  correct
with a minimum amount of error... well, maybe just 99%.

Okay dear friends, we will start at this point then...

Q) Dr.NaMcO, why is the sky blue?

A) This is rather a tricky one. A friend of mine once told me it
   is blue because  when God was  painting the sea,  he used the
   same ink for  the sky. Tsk  tsk, how silly  he was. Obviously
   the sky is blue  because it's not night  or else it would  be
   black. Also, it couldn't be  the same ink as the  sea because
   in some places the  sea is green or  even brown (trust me,  I
   know what I'm saying).  There's also the colour  clash issue,
   but since you  didn't ask about  it, I'm not  going to answer
   it. 
Q) Dr.NaMcO, I lost my +2 ULA, can I replace it with a +3 one?

A) Obviously not! The +3 is a much more advanced machine  (hence
   the enormous quantity of  bugs that have appeared  during its
   advanced  production  techniques) and  the  +2 just  couldn't
   handle it. Besides that the shape isn't the same, unless  you
   melted it down  and reshaped it  to the same  form as the  +2
   one. Bummer.

Q) Is there a way to increase my Bank Account easily?

A) You didn't say "Dr.NaMcO", so I'm not answering that one. HA! 
Q) Dr.NaMcO, What will  my car's license plate  be if I buy  the
    car on the 2Зrd of December 2094?

A) Er...I  don't think  you'll be  alive by  then but since this
   document  is  meant to  answer  questions that  theoretically
   can't be answered, here it goes: 34985 ZZDRLF 345. Before you
   ask, yes they are universal and anyone from around the  world
   will have one with the  same format. About time they  made it
   standard, eh?

Q) Dr.NaMcO, if  I connect my  Speccy to the  internet from home
   and go to  www.microsoft.com on my  browser, will Bill  Gates
   still manage to detect what  programs I have on my  disks and
   so on ?

A) Why, yes, of course!  While he doesn't have the expertise  of
   Sir Clive  Sinclair (this  means he  won't be  able to detect
   what machine you're  on) he does  have master instruction  on
   how to  fuck up  other people's  systems, therefore  all your
   programs are endangered  and the need  of an anti-virus  will
   surface. Your mom's  undies will be  shown to all  the world,
   and your video  tape where you  anally rape your  12 year old
   sister  will replace  "Mission Impossible  2"  in  your video
   club. At least it's  far more interesting. Concluding  we can
   say: Just browse over to some porno FTP where you will be  oh
   so rewarded with the most beautiful collection of  wallpapers
   in the world  and leave that  evil site behind.  You will NOT
   regret it.

Q) Dr.NaMcO, what lies beyond the end of the universe?

A) Infiniteness,  ofcoz.  You  might  also  find  along the  way
   Mr.Yoda who still  holds my light  saber. If you  would be so
   kind as to ask him for it  back for me, I promise to let  you
   ask  me 10  questions without  saying "Dr.NaMcO".  Also Luke
   isn't  Darth's  son  as  said  in  the  movie,  that's  utter
   bullshit.  He's  Princess  Leia's dog  son.  There,  one free
   answer as a bonus for such a wonderful question.

Q) Dr.NaMcO, Will Nintendo ever  see that the games and  systems
   they put out are plain crap?

A) Oh, that  is a very  hard question. No.  To begin with,  they
   actually think Mario is a great character. How can they  stop
   the nonsense  when people  acting even  dumber than  them buy
   their crap?  That's what happens with stupid writers as  well
   - They  write complete  crap pieces  of text  and still  some
   people read them.  Why? Even I  can't answer, you'll  have to
   ask God himself that one.

Q) Dr.NaMcO, Who made the universe?

A) I did. Well, not alone, I had a bit of help from the  Creator   
   but he did  the minor part,  you know, creating  all life and   
   such while I was  helping Sir Clive to  be born a couple  (or   
   so) years later. From the  day the Speccy was born,  life was   
   never the same, *sigh*.