01 апреля 2001

        23 Things Which You Can Do If A Program Crashes

              By QAZIC & CYBER from COBRASOFTWARE

                    Translated by Chasm/CPU

1. Reload the program.

2. Press BREAK ten times.

3. Move the mouse (if you have one).

4. Waggle the joystick(s).

5. Press  different  buttons  of   the  computer,  telephone and
   vacuum-cleaner.

6. Use all known cheats and passwords.

7. Take a look  at the power in  the house. Maybe the  power has
   been switched off?

8. Take out the disk  and check for scratches (if  scratches are
   present then have a belch, if absent - have a belch too).

9. Insert/eject the  disk several times  (NOT the drive!)  hmmm.
   (maybe the drive too).
10. Fart into the drive.

11. Throw disk at wall.

12. Note the amount of pieces of smashed disk or walls.
    Enter the Results in the table below:

        Date       Amount of smashed   Amount of pieces   
                   disks   -   walls   disks  -   walls   

13. Slightly tap the computer/drive.

14. Heavily tap the computer/drive.

15. Slightly tap the computer/drive with a hammer.

16. Press RESET.

17. Press the MAGIC button (for TR-dos owners) ten times.

18. Switch the power on/off on computer (if switch present).

19. Open computer (if closed).
    A) Remove/desolder various chips. Thoughtfully examine these
       chips for about 5  minutes and insert / resolder  back in
       their places.
    B) Close computer (if opened).

20. Lift computer about 20-25 inches above it's desk and drop.

21. Sweetly stroke the monitor/TV set with a sledgehammer.

22. Go to the nearest window  and throw the disk at the  nearest
    passer-by and say:
    "Kakogo huya ty tut sharoebishsya !!!???"
    (Russian slang for ^^^ "What the fuck are you doing here?!".
    Let them think that you're Russian).

23. Turn  off all  disks, computers,  drives, cassette  players,
    power supplies in the room then play JET SET WILLY 9.3!!!