ZX Format #06 29 июля 1997

Самиздат

It was you - Lord of the teeth: a parody of a popular trilogy ...

         LORD OF TEETH


  (Lord of the teeth)

music by Jaan
, Gil-Gelad is in your court genuine LIMITED report on Lord of 
Zubov. _______________________________



   PosvyaschaetsyaElfam,

                 Dwarves, hobbits, orcs

                 Trolls, dragons, Bar
                 logs, and the psyche,

                 who consider themselves
 People ...


        V V E D E H & E

 In this sad story we will focus on the Hobbits, and from these 
files, inquisitive user can learn all about their vile behavior 
and something about how to avoid Stretch them.

 Fortunately now, the hobbits are not so numerous as they once 
were before. And therefore cornstalk (affectionately known as 
Hobbits People) do not just stumble on these

small hairy creatures. By the way, someone is
These are the Hobbits? Fairly complete description yet of 
strange creatures found in Red Book first hobbitskim Secretary 
General Bilbo Baggins.

 And now, about their behavior. Even in times of
their wanderings (before they kicked
Elves with their indigenous lands, now called Hobbitaniey) 
hobbits left about themselves ineradicable memory. Until now, 
the Orcs say about the best representatives of his tribe: 
"Bardash gurak kargatuluk (Bastard worse than the hobbits). 
This gives some idea of ​​hobbichem behavior.

 And finally a heart-rending story of Frodo, Keeper of the 
tooth omnipotence. 


          CHAPTER I. A

In Hobbiton was in turmoil. Mr.
Bilbo Baggins, the owner Beggenda, announced
the intention to celebrate its anniversary and the 111
and promised to make a great drinking. With buhim Bilbo 
throughout the Shire was considered better not to contact ever 
since, when Sixty years ago, he, along with his elves get drunk 
before the swinish state otpravilsyabit face the dragon. About

alcohol extracted Bilbo to distant lands, were legendary. Many 
believed that Dungeon Beggenda crammed with drums, Bochenkov, 
flasks and bottles. 

     Bilbo's birthday this year
fell on a wet, dirty and
nasty September, a long time ago not to remember (oh no good it 
is!). 

     A Big Booze was getting closer and
closer ... Once the evening came in Hobbiton with difficulty 
climbed the hill a wagon pulled by skinny and obodranye gnomes. 
On the box sat tall old man in a long zalyapanom grease stains 
gray cape and a pointy blue hat, singing drunken voice cheerful 
songs. It was, of course, the Gandalf.

 Exhausted dwarves collapsed on the ground near
gate Beggenda and Bilbo with his plemyashkoy (very well known 
local young Frodo the girls) started to unload the wagon.


Waking up once in the morning, the hobbits saw the big meadow 
in front of the manor blocked by ropes and poles for utykanym 
Tents and pavilions. Under the Tree festive smoked a huge 
moonshine, which is one of the ancestors of Bilbo Stribro still 
have most of Morgoth. 

   Bilbo promised more booze, but it would be better to 
say-GENERAL GLAZOZALIVATELSTVO. All nearest neighbors Bilbo has 
driven himself into a clearing. Those whom he had missed, 
brought Frodo. Gifts rodstvennichki strebovali and those with 
Other ... 

   Ate continuously from eleven to polovinysedmogo. By this time
most of the "invited" under the supervision of
old Bilbo ukushalis to such a state that in their eyes gleaming 
wonderful rockets exploding stars and other glitches. In this 
case, Gandalf, having fun on soul clapped over his ears hobbits 
crackers, frightened pugalkami (and maybe fart pukalkami ???), 
squeaked Tweeters, rattling thunder-gremushkami. And for this 
one dirty dog managed to set fire to the guests inserted 
between the toes dwarf candles, elf fountains, twinkling stars 
and simply match. From such a fun festive Tree billowed thick 
smoke and the smell of burning wool. But the last surprise, 
prepared specially for Gandalf Bilbo almost overpowering the 
old magician. All lights went out and surprisingly slow Hobbits

drip napalm. Then Gandalf could not
remember where he got this hellish
mixture ?!?!??!!!

   When Gandalf, painful moaning, rubbing his battered ribs and 
fresh Fingal caused did the rain and put out the fire occurred 
during speech (not to be confused with the Rzeczpospolita). 

   Bilbo was hardly got out from under the table
and, taking the eighth attempt to vertical
position (the unspeakably impressed hobbits) began:
 -Slsh-sh-sh mnya! Mlchat all! Rvnyas!
Attention! (Guests instantly slid into two
ranks)
 -My dear Bagginses and Boffins-started by
time, Bilbo, and attracted the attention of such original 
principle, continued - Thus, the creation sherstolapye, I 
gathered you here a grand (at these words in the eyes 
Sakkvill-Bagginses appeared timid hope that distant relatives 
are not hit as hard as neighbors) and all of you

I was so ..... !!!!! that I do .... !!

  in ... !! and .. ! through .... !!!!....
!!!!.... !! .... !!!..... !! and went
you all ..... !!
(The meaning of this speech was limited to what he
Bilbo is very fond of them all, but must
dear to his heart to leave Hobbitaniyu and
heir of his estate he leaves
Frodo Baggins).

   Joyous roar of the crowd drowned out the bitterness
wail dwarfs, which Bilbo wanted

  pay a visit first.

   Pyany Frodo crawled to the uncle to leave,
but got in the face.
 - Do bastard! -Troubled future Keeper
and upsetting Sam rushed for Bilbo.
 - My dear hobbits, Gandalf lisped, stop. What are you doing?
 Bay of gray! Bay Istar-Sam shouted, flashing a brand new 
fingalom, but to take the old Maga was not so simple. Gandalf 
took out of pocket squirting cucumber, and sending

it to the bullies, tore the tail ... Until
Gross washed from the slime and seeds, Gandalf harnessed a pair 
of gnomes and faded into the primordial darkness. A Big Booze 
continued ... K morning, stocks ended Bilbovskih basements and 
broke big smart machine provides good brew. Angry Bilbo kicks 
dispersed those who could still crawl to their homes and went 
to collect belongings. 


  Waking up in the morning under the rubble of the table,
Frodo crawled to look for something Savoury Bit. An hour later, 
he rested his head in something and stalled. By noon, his eyes

have a meaningful expression through
fall on his head a heavy shelf on which lay an envelope. 
Raspechatov his Frodo began looking at the sheet. When evening 
came, Frodo finally realized that the note was not written on 
Westron. Swearing, Frodo took Westron-Elven Dictionary and 
began to translate. 

   In the sky a beautiful Hobbitanii already burning star when 
Frodo came to sense the first phrase. "My dear nephew." -

- Read it.
 - Bah, that EFO above from fyafi Pilpo - glad Frodo
 A ftorofo he prilosil me, bastard!, Darkly
He finished his feeling for the place where yesterday More
was a good tooth.

   From the corridor came a heavy groan, and
room leaked smoke took the form
the old magician.
 -My dear Frodo, Gandalf said, your
Uncle went puteshevstvovat, but you he left his ring. It in an 
envelope.  R-Kolfo Conferta ???!!!- happy young Beggens-Fot 
used Sefo I Sepe fup stelayu!  -DO NOT EVER put it on!-Continued

shouting shadow of Gandalf. -Do not wear-ay-ay ...
 -Well, you're tired of Fe I muttered Frodo
and added Fan-grade wind Manve.
The wind blew howling in the shadow side of Mordor.


           CHAPTER II.


  Gandalf turned up any time soon. Mordor was far from evident. 
But one night the old mage again broke the window of replacing 
the in Beggende and door and window. Not even saying hello, 
Gandalf got into the bar, pulled out out a bottle with a brand 
of moonshine "Morgoth did not take place, emptied it, and

asked:
 - It's all right, eh? You're still the same, Frodo?
 - And you too!-Keeper angrily snarled.
 - You know, my boy, that the ring
Bilbo left you? Koltso omnipotence! C
these words the magician put the lighter in the mouth
Frodo. Pairs of alcohol and flashed a gold
tooth instantly became red to white light. "Look!" - Admired as 
Gandalf, Frodo, dragging screaming to the mirror - I was right! 
Read it, baby. "  - I can not - Frodo groaned - These letters

not unfamiliar.
 - It's elven runes, language - mordorsky,
but you can not read, because you look in the mirror - is 
strictly observed Gandalf. - And now you have a long and very

dangerous path. You're going to Mordor and destroy the tooth. 
And lest you be bored along the way, you take with you Sam.

 With these words the Magician leaned out the window, and
Sam snatched from Rosie and dragged him into the room.
 - Yes, to me, and with this type of somewhere
gone?! - Angrily shouted Sam - You
that henbane stuffed?
 Gandalf quickly checked with a
thick book and cried out: "Fuck-tibidohtibidoh" Sam called in 
to advise Sia book. While Sam was surprised magician turned

him into a frog and released into the garden to uzhikam.
 - I'll bet 50 coins on a toad - roared
reckless Baggins.
 - I - said Gandalf - for snakes!
 By evening, the old magician blew Frodo all
(Including driving gnomes and a hat), was offended spat on the 
frog and went off into the darkness. Probably went to complain 
or Morgoth Manve.


  After a couple of months, when the frog again
was Sam, Frodo began to gather in
"A dangerous path." He did it with
all precautions, and therefore all
Hobbits pretended not to notice the mountains
Weapons, ammunition and food growing on Holiday Glade.

  The day came early heroic campaign
Brave the Guardian of the Ring (GPHHK). The entire population 
of Hobbiton has reached a main street to make it look as if 
nothing was happening. By evening, the door swung open and 
Beggenda of them out myself keeper, followed by Sam and 
Peregrin Kroll (he as fume, also known as Pipi), dragging on his

all the equipment. Heroes, challenged
Sauron himself, marched away to the east, and disappeared 
behind the horizon (56 km), highlights the bloody zaatnogo rays 
of the sun. 

             _____


   At this breaks Chronicle Shire and the rest of the story 
osnoAvan to excerpts of Weather Records Gondor lyrics Rohirric, 
> Dwarf Ballad, Elvish Songs, as well as an analysis idiomatic 
turns Orchih tribes. 

             _____


  From the diary of the third Nazgul

25/09/3052
 Today I got the same horse and rode for
Custodian. Terrible headache. Interestingly, this adds to the 
brew Bilbo? In wood boiler fell on me with a white nitro, and 
now I look like a ghost. Perhaps it was a joke someone from 
Bagginses. It appears that I caught up with them.


26/09/3052
 Traces of very fresh ...

27/09/4052
With AB with I
 and I rm n ts ...

  in n u b n w

           a and

                     r

             _____

 From the diary of Sam skrombi

5-day journey.
 Nadys spymali kaku something black tvaryugu.
Mister Frodo bachiv, sho coefficient beast
klichitaya nazgadom Nito, Nito nezgulom.
Schaub entu reptile was the best shows we have watered it with 
paint. This case is noted 

6-day journey.
 Nadys spymali kaku something Belo tvaryugu.
Mister Frodo bachiv, sho sho knows chains
Takeo. Great keeper very
angry ... What is left we threw
into a ditch. This case is noted.

7-day road
 Sivonya Pipi led us into a wilderness kaku.

28-day road
 Nadys spymali Pipi. He yelled, sho nevinovaty. In the Great 
Guardian konchimshis stocks otmechalki and he was sorry.


33rd day of the journey
 Sivonya us spymali for poaching. We
mean, no one interfered, and then ran
burly man in a yellow uniform and
All zaarestoval.

34-day road
 Sivonya asked us to leave this cute
forest. This guy in the yellow turned out to be classes
guy. And there was another, Goldilocks
she smartly did ... Um well not be
about it.

             _____


   From the account book farm

            "Covenants Elendil"

 Arrived yesterday Frodo Baggins comrade with comrade Sam and 
comrade Skrombi Peregrine rabbits. These bastards ate all 
mushrooms, Stribro truck and fled in an unknown direction. 
See-kill snakes! 

             _____


  From the diary of a tavern owner

              "A dead pony

1 / 10 today at midnight, arrived some
rascals out Hobbitanii. Knowing the habits of
Hobbits, I identified them very dirty and
dark room. The guests were pleased.

2 / 10 Today, Frodo Baggins, who called
"Noroholmom" and attach a mustache, walked into the general 
room, where himself to the world famous killer Aragorn 
Arahornovichu Telkontarovu, better known as Kolobrodov. 
Severely beating the latter, the Guardian insisted that he took 
all his company in Rivendale. What is "Rivendale" we have 
nobody else knows. 

4 / 10 yesterday could not write, because Frodo
dropped an anvil on my foot (I wonder
where he had an anvil in a tavern ?????),
which is when I cleaned it pinched me
hand. Referenced above anvil was
dropped on me as punishment for what I
missed him Nazgul, who 3:00
whine under their door, begging to go with him to
Mordor, and promising a bunch of different pleasures
up to omnipotence.

5 / 10 today and Frodo KO left my hospitable inn. Passing 
through the main streets of our beloved Bree, Sam, yes 
oblyseyut his feet, obkidal our governor Ogryzko. As a result, 
Governor lost an eye, and his daughter-virginity.

Well, that rascal Sam.

             _____

 from the diary of Sam Skrombi

39-day road
 Today (I finally learned how to spell
STE word) we leave the friendly
Brii.Hozyain restaurant was surprisingly
dear uncle. He even did not take us any
penny. Was there another, the governor's daughter, as she did 
... Um well here again I was taken aside.


41-day road
 Nadys Telkontarov led us into the swamp and
wanted to throw a misty peas, but dyl
caught. Mr Frode ... Oops ... GREAT AND
MIGHTY KEEPER (like this) asked me to
Kolobrodov explain his error. And I
forced him to read the complete works of Bilbo: Translations 
from the Elvish, There and back-Beggizm Frodosizm and the like. 
An hour later he was crawling at my feet and begged him to 
forgive such a fool. After that, BMX and Superbad Telkontarov 
off an easy fright in the jaw. 

42-day road
 How difficult without Rosie ...

43rd day of the journey
 How hard is it without a woman ...

44-day road
 Well, that's better ...

50-day road

  Last night we caught up with MSH ... Nez ...
Well vobschem relatives of the black creatures.
They all night solder us Mordorskoy Braga and Great Frodo vowed 
name Elbereth that call on them. Those are very sentimental, 
and fled to cook dinner. 

51-day road

  Terrible hangover. Stocks ended. Completely gone. Luckily 
Kolobrodov knows some native species, derived more

alcoholics-Númenoreans. Atselas is called. It alcohol bolshii 
than "Royal"-e, ie % 120. So our way

continues.
52-day road
 Terrible hangover Atselas over. Quite
ended (Somewhere I wrote this?). In
noon, ran into a herd of elves. And Great Frodo cried out "Noro 
Lim Noro Lim asfalot "lunged at them. Fortunately it

turned out to be a caravan with a brand zdravurom
"*****", Bound to Valinor, and
Custodian immediately lost to the elves just
interest.

             _____

 On this blog ends Sam Skrombi. Stories do not know
what was the cause. Most Western experts
inclined to the hypothesis that Sam ended papyrus. But
I, knowing the negative after-affects zdravura brand "*****", 
say:  THIS DRINK CLEAN stole SAM'S ALL motor coordination,

which led to a lack of availability of the presence of further 
records. And therefore the further the story is based on / 
Span> Elvish chronicles. 

             _____

 MANU MEETINGS

             (Oh bother ...)

VSTRECHI
(Not again. It's time to tie with zdravurom. Now pull yourself 
together and ...) 


            VSTRECHI

Frodo opened his eyes and stared mindlessly at a low unpainted 
ceiling. The past remained very sketchy memories. Somewhere 
something with someone drunk, but where, what and with whom, 
this information brain refused to extradite. Frodo was the 
brains ideological, as Pavlik Morozov.

 -Where am I, and what is the time?-Keeper thought.
 -Time to change names, yelled someone in his
under the ear in an incomprehensible, but painfully familiar 
language. 

  -Who is it??-Cried Frodo.
 -It 's our stuardess. Bother. Tse-x I
Gandalf.
 -And what am I doing here? - Finally Frodo
began to think in translation and Grigorieva
Grushetsky.
 -You are to be tried for sabotage,
mass robbery, arson and punkish
behavior. Come on. The Court begins. Yes,
By the way, I-your lawyer. And, as a person, exposure power, 
I'll tell you that awaits you.

 I quote from the Laws Manve:
 1. According to Article 18, paragraph 4 (attack on
denoted by zdravurom to steal them)
- 5 months of hard labor in Moria.
 For the beginning is quite good - said Frodo.
 2. According to article 234, paragraph 19. 2 (drinking
alcoholic beverages at Brody) - 10 years
strict confinement in the cellars of Dol-Guldur.
 Frodo shuddered, and Gandalf joyfully
continued:
 3. Article 5322 all the items and their 320
pieces (the burning of everything that occurs) -
20 years of strict execution of crumpled paper.
 And finally, for soldering elves Article
1, paragraph 1, you poor wretch instantly
will be sent to the Court of the Valar. And there is no
your forgiveness. Yes, the name will be erased
from your memory lyudskoi! Let them curse you
all earthly creatures and reptiles and sea .. and ..
-Here the old magician's just caught the spirit of hatred 
towards the perpetrator. -Hey, I have the same lawyer. Why am I 
so broke, was surprised when Gandalf caught his breath. "Well 
if so. According to paragraph 1 with your accusation withdrawn 
due to lack of witnesses.  -Uncle Bilbo used to say: "Get out 
of witnesses"-laughed Frodo.  -Then, the burning, I take. Cool

I'm entertaining. Soldering elves, too, was withdrawn because 
of total failure in the memory. But for drinking your answer. 
Ha ha ha! - And with laughter yzhasayuschim Gandalf Frodo 
dragged into the courtroom. 


         COURT Elrond

 When Frodo and Gandalf came to the hall
Court, in the air spread out and began to drip on
land dirty sound lonely bell.
 - Here - said the lawyer - is a signal to
beginning of the meeting.
 The hall itself was grubby
room, illuminated by dim, chadyaschimi
twinkle lone torch in the far corner.
Windows in the room were many. One. First,
that saw the keeper was something resembling an elf. Gandalf to 
Frodo held dock, which, much to the

surprise Frodo were Bilbo, Sam,
Merry, Pipi, Telkontarov, as well as a dwarf and not manee some 
elf.  - Do not Lepo Ny byashet, brothers, started

tale of dastardly deeds so pseudo
vile - began his speech by Attorney Glorfindeyl - Behold Thou 
Frodo Drogo bastard who with his uncle at least Beggensnym 
pocketed the main treasure Elf - arrogant Ring! Brothers,

here also thou vile pyatnatel good
elf named Legolas someone who
not only missed Gollum (under the guise of
which is hidden from the just wrath of Fëanor), but also joined 
in the unnatural relationship with esistvuyuschim here Gimli 
son of a hacker. And besides we have finally caught the famous 
Kolobrodov. Yes yes, that Kolobrodov which prizvodya

in our territories shooting creatures
Darkness, deprives us of a piece of bread and sip
zdravura. This Adana brat thinks
that povozhdeniya Darkness us so easy to create!

  So began the trial, went down in history as the longest.
Since Elrond with booze could not get the gong to announce the 
verdict. But then ...

 - All these vile criminals are declared guilty and sentenced 
to march with to destroy the Ring ... Tfu ... Tooth

Omnipotence for the follow-
review the case and to mitigate the sentence.
Petty Officer Boromirko Take prisoners
Bullpen. And you are appointed Comrade Olorin
escort.


        TOOTH GOES SOUTH

 The next day after the verdict the foreman Boromirko built up 
all of at attention and a jolly rollicking song, "AL NAZG 
DURBATULUK, AL NAZG GIMBATULUK ...", consulting the radiomayach

  com, led the prisoners to the south.

  Two weeks later, the path directly south of
Rivendell Boromirko managed to make
prisoners in some strange mountain, and thoroughly get lost in 
them. Whether Sauron radioborbu started, or to operators

radiomayachka realized that the radio had not yet invented. 
Gandalf came out in the open with the astral signal "SOS", 
"MAYDAY", "HELP PAGE", "911", "KARAYL" and similar nonsense, 
but received no response. Then Gimli who promised to knock off 
5 years, took All the Gate of Moria.

 And before travelers grew giant
wall, top of which is buried in the clouds.
 - Door zdesya - assured of the dwarf.
 Before the gates of splashing marshy
lake, from which every now and then climbed out
nasty slimy tentacles and bring
pochavkivanie, yelling and satisfied burp.
All those dear to the heart of true tolkinutogo sounds somehow 
stopped after Boromirko emptied into the lake and a half 
quintal dust from his inside pocket voey chain mail.


             _____

 Creatures! May be enough, eh? I've got a fantasy ends!
ADavayte peacefully press "RESET" and will part as friends? Not 
hoti6te? Well, you're gonna be worse! I warned you! 

             _____

 Thus, the creature in the lake died, and our thieves
came to the gate. Gate no one saw.
Boromirko badly looked at Gimli.
 - Gad will be it here - buhnulsya lap Dwarf - Head, tell Magu, 
let open. He's smart.

 - Well, sho, escort, mogesh okryt? - Asked Boromirko.
 - Tse Dilo. - Answered by Magician, and going to
doors, something prsheptal.
 On the wall there was a brilliant target and
some squiggles.
 - Aha - said Gandalf, and at night plunged into serious 
reflection on the topic "when next paycheck. "Finally, coming 
to some kind of a disappointing conclusion, Mage grabbed Sam by 
the arm and cried out, "Mellon" rushed to the door.  After the 
eighth stroke leaf doors parted and the travelers saw ... And a 
damn they saw. Dark it was.

 - Well - Gandalf asked, reaching for
from his pocket thrower - who will be a torch?
 - He - shouted all at once, pointing
finger at the orc, very successfully got out of the
of a dark corridor.
 The jet of liquid fire engulfed the poor dirty goblin from 
head to toe and he squealed, ran deep into the mountains, 
illuminating the dim tunnel, chadyaschimi flame.  - After him! 
- Exclaimed the Magician, and trotted all over sparkle, loomed 
somewhere in the end of the corridor.  Thus they reached 
Mazarbula What took them 183 orc and 19

Trolls. In the chronicle Abode Boromirko
broke camp, 8 antique pitchers and some stone slab that lay in 
the middle of the room and was entangled in all underfoot.  Due 
to the fact that evil is not fed Genalf escorted from the 
Rivendell, they are waiting for when he fell asleep, ransacked 
his stores, ate all the canned goods and drank a whole zdravur. 
Then, at the mature reflection, decided to go to beat the 
muzzle orcs. Our heroes, taking magicians flamethrower and 
electroshock Boromirko, went to search for these creatures 
Morgotovyh.  Two days later Frodo saw in the distance

weak light, and all with a terrible roar
inulis there ...
 Orcs were nice guys and do
not the creatures of darkness, but simply brutalized
elves. They warmly welcomed the Guardian and the
his companions, and DROP all been singing provocative songs: 
"Ugluk and bagron sha pushdag Saruman-Globe babhosh skey ... 
"After a rest as should be friends decided that since they have

Omnipotence of the tooth, then Frodo must make
All Middle-High Sauron. C
This idea of ​​the conspirators parted with the orcs and went 
into the assault of Arda.  Going to Moriyskomu Bridge they saw 
there a strange skinny and frightened creature, sitting on the 
bridge of the hold and spit down. Out of the abyss came the 
melodious beats spitting on the floor.

 - O-e! - Faltering voice shouted
Legolas - Barlog! Barlog, we have arrived!
 - The Curse of Durin - yelled Gimli and

  climbed to the merits of hugging.
 In short, at the meeting has been arranged
sabontuychik week. Barlog dragged Gandalf came to the rescue of 
the bridge, out of which everything else could hear the sounds 
of spitting, dance. Gimli listened to these sounds, and spoke 
thoughtfully: "Ick. Fathomless Thou abyss under Moriyskim 
M-Bridge and legion her depth. "

 - And this we m-Wait a check - an unsteady
a voice said Gandalf and siganul through
parapet. Behind him, not wanting to fall behind
sidekick, tumbled and Barlog.
 Two days later came the sound of the bottom, resembling the 
sound pans, dropped from esyatogo floor.



           Lothlorien

 Having at last from the dark dungeons
Moria's friends breathed a sigh of relief. Fuel in the 
flamethrower has ended in Moriyskogo Bridge, and the entire 
future path Orcs had set fire to the matches.

After the match ended, we had
put a flashlight batteries.
 Consulting the Globe North Hodditanii, detachment went to 
Lorien. Already by evening route cart delivered the Guardian 
and his ilk to the edge of the Golden Wood. There they were 
immediately surrounded the squad of elves special forces, armed 
with bows Kalashnikov, and demanded that they

vile minions of Darkness, immediately sdalis.Na this brazen 
claim filed captain Sam elnaza hefty roll with lots of seals,

confirming that the bearer is a special detachment of 
individual savers, who is endowed with special powers and 
report directly to Manve. Old Bilbo knew what when

Sam taught to read.
 The captain immediately began to apologize, saying,
that he did not know that he is a fool, and in general it
long time already become a major domestic
forces of Valinor, and that he was very glad to see
dear guests, and .. and ... and that they must be very tired 
and they just need to rest in a beautiful Lorien, and all are 
welcome ... 

             _____

 I do not know about you, but Frodo's tired of listening to all 
that Moore, and ? Since then, the chatty fellow never said a 
word. Simply speaking uhaydokal his keeper.


             _____

 In the end, our "special private party" came to the river, 
which separated from the rest of the world Lorien.  - Here we 
are waiting for - explained the one of the elves. Above the 
water was stretched tonyusenkaya rope. Elves are popular and 
easy to understand explained that since no one orc not 
proberetsya in the Golden Wood. After our heroes with great 
difficulty, crawled to adapt as aforesaid, and

elves crossed the river by boat, they
went deep into the woods.


       Mirror Galadriel

 After a long and incredibly difficult road
unthinkable for running bush Loriena,
in which abundant vodilas every bloodsucking Zsuzsa trash, 
Frodo and his companions went to Karas Galadon. Must separately 
to say that Sia citadel Light Forces, in contrast to the 
forest, was a wonderfully dirty and neglected. Opened his eyes 
weary travelers bleak picture of defeat Elves

battle with alcohol increased
Fortress. This fortress elves do not have.
 In the palace of our heroes met no
Lord Keleberen. When a guest
from under the table crawled disheveled Lady. Seeing the gnome 
and the shriek of pleasure, she grabbed Gimli in his arms and 
disappeared into his chambers, from which immediately began to 
be heard the groans and sighs bliss.

 Sit down beside Frodo from the Shire - invited
Lord and poured out a quart mug zdravura
- Wait for the rest, and then we'll talk -
finished he looked askance at the door, from where worn hoarse 
growl Gimli.  But the business conversation in the day did not 
happen. By that time, when there was Galadriel, everyone could 
only say, "You mnya uvazhash? "and" Yes, pour ischo.

 The next day a call so as not
happened, because the all celebrated
loss of Gandalf, and the next, and
next. And then somehow imperceptibly come
Time to say goodbye.


  Lorienskoe bosses to get everyone in
Throne Hall and the joy was to give
gifts, or more simply to get rid of
clutter.
 Aragorn got some tacky
sheath (and empty).
 Merry and Pipi-broken belt clearly Orochi
work.
 Sam piled a backpack manure.
 Legolas was given a stick with a rope and zavereli it - this 
loriensky onions.  Frodo was donated zalyapanaya flask, in

which floated a lone luminous bacteria. If vsryahivali flask, 
the bacteria trying to illuminate. Galadriel swore that the 
water in this vessel of its mirrors.  Finally my turn came to 
Gimli.  - And what kind of gift could wish for in a dwarf

Visiting the elves? - A carnivorous grin
Galadriel asked. Gimli, who could now be only a kilogram
ice in the pants from this hint of shudder,
as the strain in 1500.
 - N-no! - He gasped. - For me
enough to see Lady Galadrimov.
 - And yet, Gimlichek, allow her little Gal to give you ... 
something.  - Insisted Galadriel.

 - I did not ask for anything, Lady, - dwarf repeated again - 
except that ... He fumbled in his pocket and onto the floor, 
rustling and unfolding, has dropped out the list as a roll of 
toilet paper.  - You are requested to call a gift and I will 
obey - With a nasty grin said Gimli.


 When trzhelogruzhenaya boat passed the first turn, behind 
which somehow disappeared Lorien, Gimli fished out from the 
pile of gold, platinum disk, and wept.  - I have extracted so 
much that now I need not break into someone else's access 
codes. Tell me, Legolas, I now do? O woe is me, poor Gimli ...


 Thus began the long journey south.


       DETACHMENT NO MORE

 Aragorn brought the whole company to the top
the right arm of the Great River. On the opposite bank of the 
smoking pipe of a plant, coming down tons of fuel oil into the 
water.  Bustled around the orcs and trolls.

 Here and spend the night - said Kolobrodov -
This port is Galen, a wonderful clean place. Maybe the evil has 
not dodralos here.  Friends set up camp in the middle of the 
crowd goblins obaldevschih of such impudence.

 - Is there something I can not sleep - said Aragorn
Frodo. - Looks am feeling something. Took out
his sword - we'll see.
 Frodo took Hornet, tied my uncle
before leaving. Blade of the weak light.
 - Orcs! - Frightened breathed Guardian.
 The crowd laughed knowingly.

 Morning was the usual dull and wet. Orcs got tired of waiting, 
when they notice, and they parted.  - Here he come - began 
Arogorn, and all began to look around - on election day. No 
matter how postponed, and must decide how we

overthrow Sauron. What do you think, Frodo.
 - I have to meditate in solitude -
The Guardian responded by making a smart person.
 - Okay, but we must hurry. Do you have
hour, and then you tell us your solution
- Concluded Legolas.

 Frodo was sitting alone in the third hour
and pondering how to capture all the power
one. "If you drag along the entire company
- He thought - you'll have to share with them
power. Make them ministers, or there
Nazgul. No! I will go alone. "Thinking
so Frodo has to break through to boats.
 The boat was already Sam and polish your TT.
 - You know, Frodo, this is not hobbichi
this way I throw. No, I want to ministers.
 - Well, one minister I will not interfere
- Decided the Guardian. - Well, have you
Minister, and now take the oars and rowed!

 That's how it happened that last part
Coup took over Frodo and Sam.
During their boat caught (by the way that
most, in which Gimli resigned his gold
and mithril) and carried them along the western sleeve.

             _____

 Here ends the first part of the narrative of the revolution
AKoltsa. The second part of the action takes place between the 
citadel > Evil, ugly, nasty, ill-mannered, well voobshchem

> Full byaki Sarumyana Otharkankom and the fortress of Minas 
Morgul, to that near the gate to Mordor.


_______________________________