Echo #03 31 марта 1997

Юмор

Humor - Stirlitz: Elephants go north.

            Elephants go north



   Prologue



   Outside, dawn. Had just
graduated ring round the Central Committee members with the 
wishes of a good night. At the door of his large Cabinet 
timidly knocked. 


   - Vhodite.


   Appeared on the threshold sleepy Zhukov
red eyes.


   - Comrade Stalin, for you reporters from
American newspaper, "United Press".


   - I am happy to take our amerikanskih friends. Comrade 
Zhyukov, and you have taken steps predostorozhnosti? 


   - Yes!


   A few minutes later the office of Generalissimo introduced 
two journalists. In their people could understand that their 
long advised in the basements of the Lubyanka. At the hands 
were handcuffed. Helped them to sit in front of the leader, and 
lined up behind a company of machine gunners. 


   - Glad to see you safe and nevredimymi.
I am pleased to answer all your questions. - Stalin broke into 
a smile. 


   - Mr Stalin, what would be the relationship
Russia and America after the war?


   - Let's be friends, but our train was to
the atomic bomb would be on the reserve
way.


   - What will be the first expression of good
Will the Soviet leadership with respect to
USA?


   - Literally, tomorrow through cultural
exchange we send to you our best
Agent Shtirlitsa.


   Corresponding Bailey tried to climb
into his breast pocket, but interfered with handcuffs. By their 
actions, he introduced into confusion convoy, and they winced 
as if on cue closures.



   - I just wanted to ask for an autograph -
shaky voice faltered Bailey.


   Stalin shook with anger. But where did
to know the great secret of the western blotter
Kremlin that the Chief could not write, and
at the end of any document to give up.
Journalists in pink kicked out of office.
Stalin looked gloomily out the window, where the spring went 
wild. The only thing that pleased him, was a company of Red 
Army soldiers who give Cross-country skiing.



   * * * * *


   Shtirlitsa rarely brought to the new
place of service aircraft. More and more rides and carts. 
Soviet spy was a brave man: without fear or reproach, he

with charm, opened the door "for maize and
swallow-dived into the dark abyss. Landing, it is very painful 
to hit the ground. "The parachute did not open" - thought 
Stirlitz. He swore and walked to the outskirts of Washington, 
trying to reach its new safe house unnoticed. Nothing betrayed 
him for a Russian spy: none "Budenovka" had fallen on his 
shoulder, no automatic PCA on the chest. 


   The first few hours in the Wild West
passed without incident. But before he could
sit in a room a fashionable hotel, as
knock at the door. Not one muscle moved on the face of a 
seasoned scout. This was boy for the uniformed hotel.



   - The morning papers and coffee, sir.


   Stirlitz took a tray.


   - Uncle, but is it true You're the best
Stirlitz - the famous Russian spy?


   Scout grabbed the boy by the ear and
shoved from the room, saying:


   - Do not poke your nose into other people's work, a puppy, 
and shut up is better. 


   Slamming the door, Stirlitz of the throat
drained the bottle of port "777", and sitting down
in his chair, began to view the press. There
reported that last night he quietly
crossed the border. Pleasantly flattered his vanity, 
"Washington Post. The first page was a portrait of Shtirlitsa, 
and further were numerous requests fruitful

the work of politicians, bankers and even the President Truman.


   Stirlitz went for a morning walk in
nastorenii good. On the street with him greet people unfamiliar 
to him. Taking off from the shoulder machine, Stirlitz bowed to 
them in response. Superagent then went otprobovat local beer. 
There Stirlitz unforgivable got worked by shooting in court 
tavern bartender for bad service and lack of respect to his 
person. 


   After his little pranks Stirlitz
returned to the hotel. Going into a dark room
he saw the silhouette. Stirlitz frightened and
shot a whole clip at him. When he
turned on the lights, it turned out that it was his jacket. 
"Well, that going for a walk, I it did not put on, "he said to 
himself, and Stirlitz added: "You must take a shower, a hot day 
today." 


   Evening newspaper reported that the first
task was to destroy the Soviet spy double agent, injected at
England and Israel, recently found a job as a bartender.


   * * * * *


   Morning in a room Shtirlitsa anxious when the phone rang.


   - Soviet spy Stirlitz! - Having reported intelligence and 
thought, not blurted out whether it is something extra.



   - Sorry for the early call, Comrade
Stirlitz murmur in the tube. - Are you concerned about the CIA 
director, General Donovan, for nicknamed "Wild Bill". Are you 
looking for work, not Is it true? We have suitable ...



   - Hmm - answered Stirlitz - try
Would you I did not take.


   - But how could you so bad to think about us?


   - That's the same thing.


   - Then come to our office by 10 o'clock.


   - Are you the conditions you put me, imperialistic fucking!


   - Sorry, I do not mean to offend you.


   Putting down the receiver phone
Stirlitz thought: "My new boss seems to be
Frank Hamlen. "


   Somewhere after two hours of the day smoothly
shaven and foul-smelling cologne
"Triple", Stirlitz appeared before the "Wild
Bill and his assistant Allen Dulles.


   - Dear Stirlitz, do you know where
you work?


   Seasoned scout fumbled in his pockets and pulled out a cheat 
sheet, issued to him in NKVD, and then the syllables read it:



   - The CIA is trying to protect and extend to the entire 
world for the principles on basis of American nationhood:

exploitation of man by man.


   Dulles, checked the answer with the book Shtirlitsa
NN Yakovlev, "the CIA against the Soviet Union."


   - Right!


   Stirlitz was pleased with himself.


   After talking a bit about business, Dulles
in a brotherly hug Russian spy.


   - And yet you made a mistake!


   Stirlitz put his hand into his pocket and fingered
there is something gentle. "This is the end! - Thought
he said. And where is the gun? . Stirlitz seemed that he was 
close to failure. 


   - Dear Otto, fasten the fly. Your red underpants highly 
salient. 


   Well, where did Dulles was aware that
for twenty years so Stirlitz
celebrated on May 1.


   At the exit of the building the CIA to the Soviet
scout approached the security officer.


   - Mr. Stirlitz, you just
ask your radio operator. She is waiting for you
at the restaurant Raynbou.


   Stirlitz not hesitate to go there. Not
know Kate was simply impossible. She sat at a table in a cap 
with earflaps and a walkie-talkie behind. Stirlitz decided not 
to return to the hotel. They came to the conclusion that Kate 
begin grow roots in a new safe house. Owner of the house met 
scouts friendly. True, once presented a list of services and 
price them. 


   - And why the use of radio as
expensive? - Asked Kate.


   - The energy crisis, ma'am! - And the owner of the house 
showed the decree of the mayor of Washington. 


   - Besieged, you bastards! - Snapped Stirlitz.


   Indignation scout could not sleep
all night.


   Stirlitz stood gloomy morning thunderstorm
clouds. Oral bad voice at all in a row
with half the words were selective
Russian obscenities.


   On the way to work Stirlitz read
first coded telegram from the Center. He enjoined to learn 
about new weapons the Pentagon, develop a plan for his arson 
and much more, including the recipe for "Pepsi-Cola." The last 
task Stirlitz seemed particularly difficult. 


   "Another worry for nothing!" - By
person acted as a scout for men buying
tear. He remembered the operation with hedgehogs.


   Stirlitz crumpled up the telegram and threw it
the urn in front of the CIA. Working day
started without a hitch, without a hitch. So he
and over. At night, radio operator tapped Kate
Center: "Ignite The Pentagon Stirlitz can not. We are waiting 
for a new plan to destroy the lair the U.S. military. "Decoders 
from The CIA could not understand the meaning of intercepted 
telegrams. But where should they be know that in Russia, 
setting fire to a building with only four corners? 


   * * * * *


   And at this time ...


   The American president Harry Truman suffered from
hangover. Vvpiv volley smuggled Ukrainian vodka and eating 
pickles, summoned to the office of Donovan and Dulles.



   - I'm tired, my friends! I need a vacation!


   Dulles took a notepad:


   - Canary Islands? Tahiti ...?


   Truman wistfully looked at the map
world.


   - No! Want to go to Russia ...


   Truman leaned over the map. vomited
home. The fact that the real name of the president was Bobrykov 
Yegorov. He was a native of white immigrants. 


   - So like last time we will go to
Propihnovku. Moonshine, girls, fishing, -
and Donovan inadvertently splashed saliva.


   Dulles, too, could not help sobbing. True, Wild Bill did not 
believe him. Someone who, but he knew that this home

Dulles is the Land of the Rising Sun. And now a few years, all 
employees CIA pretended that Dulles did not like

Japanese.


   - As you know, the operation must
to be absolutely secret. - Truman and shook his fist in the air.


   - Yes! - Shot up under the hood
Old Soldier Donovan.


   - But it will be difficult to do because
We employ Stirlitz - timidly said
Dulles.


   - Do what you want. Give him the drawings of the atomic 
bomb, the principle of the electric chair and even expand it 
the most terrible secret! - Truman and whisper added: - The 
recipe for "Pepsi-Cola." - But about This operation was nothing 
he needs to know! 


   Donovan and Dulles looked at each other. From this
since the operation began to be codenamed "Drinking bout".


   * * * * *


   In Washington came an old and tested
svyaznik Shtirlitsa Pastor Schlag. The old man very haggard and 
thin: he could not ski lift, wearing his Soviet spy in July 
1944. Schlag went to the restaurant Raynbou, where he 
immediately went up to bartender.



   - How to find Shtirlitsa - asked the pastor.


   - If you need Stirlitz farmer, he
lived in three houses away, and if you're interested in 
Stirlitz-taxi driver, then his house in front of the restaurant 
- vaguely replied the bartender. 


   Schlag grabbed his breast.


   - And by the way, the elephants go north!


   - Elephants are nafig ... Could at once
say that you need a Soviet spy
Stirlitz. And the bartender with the short-swing pastor punched 
in the face. 


   Schlag not completely collapsed, and inserting in place to 
turn out his jaw, prishipetyvaya said: 


   - It beats my only friend Pleischner!


   The bartender pulled on his shirt:


   - And who am I?


   Schlag climbed to cuddle Pleischner:


   - Sorry, colleague, did not know!


   Friends were together again. Both marveled at how quickly 
Kate slag in one city collects all of their lovers.



   * * * * *


   At this time Stirlitz frankly bored
at work. Yet the soul of a full-grown
spy crept into trouble. Stirlitz felt that someone is against 
him fine game. Reasons for this assumption

were. Today in the table he slipped folder
with drawings of the atomic bomb. A little later
Dulles microfilm at your leisure to get acquainted with the 
great secret of America - a recipe for "Pepsi-Cola." Suddenly, 
because of the window could be heard very familiar song. 
Stirlitz climbed onto the sill and leaned out of the window. 
Along the street were drunk as a lord Schlag and Pleischner, 
singing at the same time " Boldly, comrades in the leg ... 
"Stirlitz could not not to support friends. Connected to hear

hoarse bass of his boss.


   - Maximich Come to us! - Shouted Pleischner.


   - I can not, I'm at work - said sullenly Stirlitz.


   - And we in the Jo is, - pastor of the
pulled back a bottle of vodka, stoppered
paper tube.


   This fact break the indomitable
scout. He opened the window of his office on the twentieth 
floor and jumped out. Have not yet come up with that barrier, 
which would stop Shtirlitsa.



   * * * * *


   The next day Stirlitz came into office in a great mood. 
Sports friends obviously went to his advantage. Employees of 
the department looked at him with envy. But it was especially 
difficult to transfer beaming face Shtirlitsa Captain Morgan.

His evening are sending to the Union. The captain was never 
married and therefore often looked into the brothel. 


   - Stirlitz, and you have at home is a home
tolerance?


   - No, but we have a holiday home.


   In a conversation interrupted approached Dulles:


   - Stirlitz otoydemte aside - and,
went out into the corridor, Allen said in his forehead:


   - You have already reported to him at the center of the 
sending of Morgan? 


   - Yes.


   - And I'm here to insure, and arrested
Your Cat radio operator. After a week of us
exchange.


   Stirlitz frowned.


   - Do not worry you so, Otto! This
you and for us to have accountability.


   - Okay, but you for me a thought?


   - Of course - and Dulles handed Soviet intelligence photos 
of naked girls. 


   Stirlitz chose two, and the remaining cards back.


   - They are both hooked you?


   Dulles nodded.


   - So, about the affairs with them - not gu-gu?


   Dulles again nodded.


   Then past it had a Cat with an orange
suitcase in his hand.


   "Again, on vacation," - he thought enviously
Stirlitz. He knew his lascivious nature
radio operator. Camera with a new friend she had always liked 
more than a conspiracy apartment with a constantly drunk and 
Schlag Pleischner. And in confirmation of this, having

a few meters from his boss, Kate showed him the language. 
Stirlitz psihanul and went to the tavern. Not far from the bar 
counter There were two young FBI agent. One another whispered 
in my ear: 


   - That you did not believe me, that Stirlitz -
Soviet spy, he'll order a soup and
a glass of vodka.


   Stirlitz asked to bring a whiskey and packaging popcorn, and 
two sucker showed nevermind. 


   Somewhere back there was a terrible roar.
Someone knocked the door with his foot. Stirlitz not even
turned. He knew it comes to the tavern by his old pal, James 
Bond. Experienced scout from Intellizhents service approached

Stirlitz.


   - Got it? - Grimly asked the Soviet
scout.


   - I have not given rise to doubt
me? - And James Bond pulled out of the grid a few packs of 
dollars. 


   - The course has changed. Now, one ruble to
Four dollars, an ominous tone said
Stirlitz.


   - Maximich, but it is a robbery!


   Stirlitz left hook laid on Bond
floor. Ten minutes, drove in pinkovuyu, then said:


   - Thank the Lord that no one in
five!


   When the exchange took place, James for a long time
kissed Soviet gold coins. Its padded
his eyes shone with genuine happiness. A
Stirlitz just bought yourself plenty of orange gum.


   Arriving at the safe house, tore Stirlitz Schlag and 
Pleischner of their favorite activities. In the yard of the 
house, they, along with neighbors drove round dance.



   - "Comrades, we are in a critical
position. It is required to deliver emergency
information center. Kate had been arrested.


   - Cellars of the Gestapo is gone! Newcomer
felt like a horny cat ... - Cried
Pleischner. Her that we had a few!


   - Schlag, to return to their homeland have
you. Only you have the explanatory
means of transportation. - Stirlitz translated
look at the ski pastor.


   - Yes, commander!


   * * * * *


   Dulles, broke into the office to the "Wild
Bill "as always at the most inopportune
moment. Donovan on the floor playing soldiers.


   - Bill, I can not find Shtirlitsa!


   - He went to the reservation for the Indians to read them a 
lecture about their marginalized situation in the U.S..



   - Well, good thing - quiet
Dulles.


   - At what stage of the operation "Drinking bout"?
- Asked Donovan.


   - The pigeon post, I sent a note
in Russia the best spy, nicknamed "Agrippina."


   - Well, Girl reliable, we will wait
response.


   - Yes for a good bitch can be sold
even the Israeli Mossad! - Pathetic
yelled Dulles.


   - Allen, do not you think that Stirlitz
began to feel very impudent? - Bill fiddle
in his nose. - Yesterday I drove up to one
from his military friends, let's mole! And she
Me: "After Shtirlitsa with you, that impotent to sleep!".


   Dulles zahryukal.


   - And you have the same thing? One of my
I was narrow-eyed beauties fag named
after she had been Russian.


   - Are you offended by the "narrow-eyed"?


   - No, "fagot" of course!


   - You know, I think for the most Shtirlitsa
terrible revenge will be that we do not
take the Propihnovku.


   - Yes, Yegorov knows where
go on vacation!


   Both TsRUshnika steel rubbing his hands on
pleasure.


   The office phone rang.


   - "Wild Bill" Listen! - Having reported
Donovan. - Everything is going according to plan. This idiot
Stirlitz nothing suspicious.


   At this time Stirlitz already on
PBX and overheard the conversation of the President and
General CIA.


   "I knew that the darkest secrets of America gave me, to 
lull! - Guessed Stirlitz. 


   He was angered by treachery of his bosses.


   * * * * *


   Pleischner frankly bored at a safe house. Without hesitation 
pulled out Safe Shtirlitsa an opened bottle of cologne

"Triple", diluted with water and gulp
drank. Cheering, Pleischner decided to walk. In the street 
crowd experienced a connected calculated the two CIA agents. 
Pleischner approached him and showed him hanging on his chest 
two Orders of Lenin and medal "For Courage". 


   - And you have none, suckers! Gordo
the professor said and walked away.


   - It is connected Stirlitz - pointedly said the CIA agent 
who looked like a Jew. 


   - Moishe, we need to watch the handwriting of the famous 
Pleischner - suggested that a CIA agent, like an Arab.



   - Yes, Yasser, - said Moishe.


   TsRUshniki went after Pleischner.
Shadowing a Soviet spy felt quite quickly, in less than three 
hours. Professor decided he shook his nerves. He went to the 
cinema to watch the movie "Batman." The faces of hapless 
pursuers Pleischner realized that this movie they watched more 
than once. Agents estimated that reception.



   - Professional! - With the understanding he said
Moishe.


   - Yes, - said Yasser.


   From the cinema Soviet spy was released in
fine mood. But TsRUshniki
has kept him a step.


   - Let's take his autograph -
suggested Moishe.


   - A convenient? - Yasser thought.


   - Our children will not forgive us for this lost opportunity.


   And agents, picking up pens and notepads,
ran for Pleischner.


   - Living will not take, - shouted the professor, and ran 
into the first nine-. As a young deer, soared to the top floor 
and opened the hatch, climbed to attic. From above and fell with

squeak flew overhead Pleischner bat.


   - "Batman" - guessed connected and tears
the attic.


   Agents are almost caught up with the professor. He
do not hesitate to bite a vial of poison,
issued Stirlitz. After that opened a window
and stood on the sill.


   "Again, does not work" - thought Pleischner
and doom jumped headfirst. Through
a few seconds there was a thud.
The agents rushed to the window. Pleischner up already
and dusted.


   - I would not have been able to - admitted Moishe.


   - Calm down! Maybe he drank a lot of Analgin - said Yasser.


   - Goats! - Shouted to them from the bottom and connected
shook his fist.


   * * * * *


   Close to midnight knock on the door.
Stirlitz pulled out from under the bed the old tried and tested 
"Maxim" and a professor went to open the door. At the 
threshold, shabby, like a cat Mueller stood. His uniform was a 
Nazi pretty wet. Stirlitz a brotherly hug

an old friend.


   - What are the fates?


   Instead of answering, Mueller handed a note.


   "Mueller is our people. Mao Tse-Tung."


   - Come boldly comrade! - And Stirlitz
broke into a smile.


   They were buzzing all night. Drank to the Motherland, for
Stalin. By morning, Muller began to gather.


  - Where are you? - Asked grimly Stirlitz.


   - In Cuba! There will soon be zavarushku.
I have already appointed a consultant at some Kastrove.


   - The Executioner! - Shouted after him Stirlitz.
He knew it was the best compliment
Muller.


   Morning Stirlitz called Dulles.


   - Maximich! Take, for God's sake your pianist!


   - What happened?


   - I do not a prison, a brothel some!


   - Do you want me to have the same
was it? I did not expect this shit from you!


   - Sorry, but it happened ...


   Stirlitz realized that he spoiled the mood for the day. He 
liked Bill agentshi slipped and he lost in dreams take a break 
from Kat week or two ... When he arrived at the prison, Kat 
guard were waiting for him. Radio operator sat down to him in 
the back seat. 


   - Get on! - Ordered Stirlitz driver.


   - Hoo! - Said Kate, putting his hand
pants at a Soviet agent.


   Return Kat particularly pleased
Pleischner old. Professor suffered sexual
powerlessness and radio operator stories of his adventures 
excite him. Pleischner hoping that he has a whole life ahead. 


   - Professor, go to the statue
Freedom, draw attention to themselves and
tell the truth the American truzhennikam
about our country!


   Pleischner realized that his Stirlitz bummer.


   "Neither myself nor the people" - he thought, putting on a 
shirt. 


   When Stirlitz Pleischner and dispersed to
Affairs, Kate, not long thinking, has also been
collected. Wearing a red kerchief and Komsomol icon, she went 
to the supermarket to shop. 


   In the evening came from the Center for cryptograms.
It was reported that Schlag finally
arrived. He made a courageous preehod
through the Bering Strait ice on skis.


   * * * * *


   And at this time in Bet ...


   Zhukov softly knocked at the office of the
leader. Stalin sat in thought. Generalissimo decided: to sign 
the order for Zhukov shooting or not.



   - Do not be shy, Comrade Zhyukov, zahodite. I decided to 
wait with your shot! - The leader broke into a friendly smile. 


   - Thank you.


   - Trivia, Marshal, nothing to worry about. And now to 
business. How is our Western friend Morgan? 


   - He had an extensive cultural program with visits to the 
cellars at the Lubyanka, concentration camps, torture chambers, 
and even Uncle Vasya. 


   - Zhyukov you downright sadist of some kind,
why did my uncle Vasya! - Stalin was outraged - and what Morgan 
said after the tour? 


   - While he can not say anything. Y
He had too much experience.


   Stalin frowned.


   Here's office broke Beria. With one hand he clutched to his 
half-calf, another had started a bottle of whiskey. "



   - Glad to see you, Lavrusha - said
Stalin.


   - Soso, I have a couple of minutes on important business.


   - Did something happen? - Zhukov stammered fearfully. 
Marshal knew that only the extraordinary case may detach from 
the Beria sex.



   - It happened, your mother so. - Beria
gulp drank a bottle of throat. - Yesterday to
my office came someone Agrippina, seemingly simple Soviet 
truzhennitsa. Baby what we need. And he said: "I do not know 
what to do Laurence, I have a portable radio is broken. Not

service and in friendship, please let Dulles that
indefinitely postponed all
because of menstruation. "


   - You had arrested her, of course? - Asked
Stalin.


   - Why is that? - Surprised Beria.


   - Well, you, Laurence, give! Honest folk
left to right in the flow Let, a spy
missed! - Stalin was outraged.


   - Soso, are you sure she's a spy? -
Beria said, stroking the back of his new
girlfriend.


   - What if?


   - What do you mean if? We, the Cheka,
err not!


   The leader of thought.


   - I have a suggestion, comrade
Stalin. But what if we tell about it
If Stirlitz!


   - Right - replied the Generalissimo,
- At least, is largely removes
our headache.


   - Zhukov, you clever! - Glad Beria. - And at the same time 
let Isaev, he had re-addition in the family. 


   * * * * *


   Stirlitz read aloud, and coded in syllables. On another, 
however, and could not. Scout ashamed of this and immediately 
thought Mueller, when he said with a grin: "

Ignoramus you Maximich. Even a complete educational program
failed! "Having read the report from the Center
Stirlitz issued a cry of Bengal elephants.
Scout guessed that this information
refers to a telephone conversation the President and "Wild 
Bill", which he overheard on the PBX. 


   Interrupted his train of thought, which became
apartment Cat. She was drunk and the whole cover up purchases.


   - Where are you so otovarilas? - Asked
Stirlitz.


   - Yes ihnem storage shed.


   - But there is such a queue!


   - Old ass, you forgot that I was cavalier
three Orders of Glory, and we always let go of the queue.


   Stirlitz was outraged by the act radio operator. His 
identification of the Hero of the Soviet Union in turn it 
showed only once. That was in 1945 when the Reichstag brought

sneakers.


   - Darling! And where is reeling Pleischner?
- Sternly asked Stirlitz.


   - He was on Broadway.


   - Again on the women?


   - You're bad you think about it, chief.
He's there on every corner thimblerigger planted, and now on 
behalf of the Godfather Al Capone racketeers them.



   - This son of a bitch! - In the shower Stirlitz glad for the 
professor. 


   True at heart Shtirlitsa was restless. He haunted the 
cryptograms of Center. At such moments, he turned for advice to 
the leader of world proletariat. That Now a hardened 
intelligence officer took down a volume of Lenin and sat by the 
fireplace. When there coals, Kate brought a potato and threw it 
into the fireplace. Then he sat down next to the scout and

they quietly began to sing: "Due to the island to the rod ..." 
Soon came Pleischner. All three they decided to fly to Las 
Vegas and dissipate money, just received at the embassy.



   * * * * *


   In Las Vegas, once learned
Shtirlitsa arrival and his two assistants,
give them an unprecedented reception. Experienced intelligence 
officer interviewed by local newspapers and said that here he 
had no business there, and main purpose - relaxation. A guy 
with a simple Russian soul once believed.



   Stirlitz evening, Kate and Pleischner went to the gambling 
house. Tricksters of all kinds welcomed the guests from Moscow 
standing. 


   - Today will be a wonderful evening! - Stirlitz said, 
sitting at a table designed for playing roulette. A neighbor 
that was sitting left, leaned over and whispered in his ear 
Soviet razvedchikku: 


   - Sorry, it's probably your password? But
I, by God, not a spy, I - a businessman.


   - I spy. So what?


   - You do verbuete?


   - And why not? - Asked himself Stirlitz.


   - And is not it? - Thoughtful businessman,
which, incidentally, was named Rockefeller.


   Recruitment has always been keen on Shtirlitsa.
New agent, he gave the working nickname "Chipmunk" Rockefeller 
liked it. 


   The game began. Stirlitz no luck.
Rates rose, and the scout had to pawn his revolver engraved 
with: "Maxim Isayev from fellow security officers." With ztoy 
trinket he did not want to leave, so when the roulette wheel 
has to stop, Stirlitz pushed the dealer and put ball on their 
winning number. 


   - Bravo, Stirlitz a great game!


   - There! - Scout proudly looked
at all.


   But then some Khmyrov jumped up and yelled:


   - It's dishonest, Stirlitz you - spieler!


   Scout grabbed his hair and repeatedly slammed face down on 
the table. 


   Pleischner and Kate had fun in the billiard room. Professor 
played brilliantly. But only Stirlitz understand his secret. In 
most necessary for the Soviet connected moment Kate

in a skirt for the most do not want to held under the nose of 
his opponent, who, fascinated mouth, or stupidly missed the 
ball, or tearing cue green baize playing field.



   The apotheosis of the evening was a game in Shtirlitsa
card. He pulled a roar from his card
opponents, and then for a long time and thoughtful
examined them. No one is angry. By
gaming house has already passed the rumor that battered 
Stirlitz playing roulette guy died in hospital. On the morning 
of the Soviet Scout learns that he had accidentally Pryshyb

Palestinian terrorist.


   By Stirlitz Pleischner approached and whispered
in his ear:


   - Maximich borrow money.


   - What to buy something you want?


   - Already bought two aces on the minuscule.


   Stirlitz money paid, it is true or not
understand why. During his table scout taught everyone to play 
the fool in Russian. This game was in Las Vegas in a novelty

but she gladly accepted.


   However, gambling is not dulled consciousness Shtirlitsa. 
All his thoughts were riveted to the Motherland, a new job 
center. Three days later he returned to the residence of the CIA

with a new plan of action.


   * * * * *


   The first person I saw Stirlitz in the corridor,
was Dulles. He grabbed his breast.


   - Well, tell me narrow-eyed bastard
that you have on me?


   Dulles trembled like a leaf.


   - I do not know.


   - You're lying, you beast, I was not caught with chaff
spend!


   Dulles, like a Japanese person, took
knife and wanted to make a hara-kiri. Stirlitz
did not allow him to carry out this evil plot. Soviet spy, even 
thought not admitted that such stupidity could disrupt

his brilliant operation with a daring title
"Get on the bluff." Stirlitz squeezed in Dulles
corner and beat him with a crowbar. The Japanese lost
consciousness, and a Soviet spy realized that
such a state he did not tell
able. Stirlitz went in search of "Wild Bill".


   Scout came to the door of Donovan.
Poked in her hand: not open, hit
foot - in any, head - the same effect.


   - Maybe it's not in the office - guess Stirlitz and want to 
go back home - and maybe he plays in the soldiers?



   - No, I do not have in the office! - Donovan's voice came 
from behind the door. 


   - I knew that this bitch somewhere
reeling - with these words went Stirlitz
so on.


   Walking along the corridor Stirlitz distributed cuffs left 
and right, on the tinsel officers CIA. Those taking it for 
granted, and through many years telling our children how to

encouraged them to the great Soviet spy.
Suddenly look Shtirlitsa fell to fire shield. Taking off with 
his crowbar, hook and a fire extinguisher, the legendary spy, 
he decided to return Donovan's office for detailed male

conversation. Breaking into the apartment chief, he girded a 
couple of times, "Wild Bill" crowbar, which had previously been 
wrapped in a newspaper, not to leave fingerprints. 


   - Kolis, imperialist, you from me
trying to hide? - Sternly asked Stirlitz.


   - In my homeland, Somalia, prefer to die rather than give 
out the secret! - Proudly said Donovan.



   - What are you, nigger?


   - And what is not! - Screamed the Wild
Bill "and pointedly erased with white makeup
his face.


   The fact that Donovan black, Shtirlitsa
further provoke. Since the fifty-
third blow with a crowbar, "Wild Bill" gave up and
told about the operation "Sabantuy.


   Stirlitz wearily sat down.


   - Why do I need, I ask, go to
Propihnovku. Why, they ask, I was not there
seen?


   - And you still go there and take no one wanted! - 
Intervened Donovan, hanging by their feet on a piece of valves 
sticking out of the ceiling. 


   - Call Truman and suggested to go on
Tahiti. I have long needed vacation with world-class girls - 
said Stirlitz pick up the phone the phone to the head "of the 
Wild Bill ".



   - Vasili Stepanovich, a Soviet spy
I was shattered. Have to go to Tahiti.
Stirlitz wants to go with us.


   Truman-Bobrykov grabbed with both hands
head and wept. Thus ignominiously ended the operation "Drinking 
bout", funded by the money of global capital. 



   Conclusion


   Above the old Russian Propihnovkoy
flying clouds and Stirlitz on "for maize." In the airplane very 
seasick and vomited brave officer to his homeland. 


   At Red Square, where Stirlitz usually
landed after the mission-critical
jobs, everything was ready. On the spire of the ancient Kremlin 
were displayed identification signs, Red Square has been paved 
and marked urgent by the landing band. The entire center has 
been cleared of agents CIA, Chechen mafia and annoying pioneers 
who roamed through the capital in search of scrap metal and 
drug shipments. Moscow, with bated breath, waiting for her hero 
... 


   His head Shtirlitsa mature plan welcome speech, which he 
will deliver from the walls Mausoleum, but the head does not 
climbed ... Look down and blew her nose with relish,

Stirlitz began to think about what it
waiting in Moscow for what he did not bring
from the trip abroad is no gift to the leader and father of all 
time. A little thought, Stirlitz decided to change nothing will 
be able to, and reconciled with the future. And the future is, 
of course, was light ...


-========================================
 Composed:
 Andrew Shipow, 2:50 / 317.101
 and Igor Boronin
 Kostroma, 20 February 1994 17:45



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   A couple of rooms Echo Shtirlitsa yet enough. 2 B CONTINUED 
... 

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