Humor - A story about Stirlitz.


           Oh, God, humor again!



   Many have read gay tekstik 'operation
Igels or new adventures Shtirlitsa '.
Recently I, VfNG, digging in Hospital
BBS, unexpectedly dug out as much four
continuation of this great stuff. Two of them
now present.

PS: thanks again Nikolayuk Sergei
(NSN) for access to Fido and his BBS-Ke.



            Operation 'Masquerade'



                PREFACE



   May in Germany turned out to be rainy. Stirlitz lay in a 
large puddle on a hill and waiting for the train. He was cold 
and nasty lying in a puddle of dirty and wet, but the brave

Soviet spy could not leave
in trouble their homeland.


   It was getting dark. A train loaded with all the hedgehogs 
did not appear. The first train, which Stirlitz was going to 
attack, took place during the day and drove Polish prisoners, 
in the second transporting equipment for a certain 
concentration, and then took four more trains to the Russian 
prisoners of war. "I do not whether I cheated Borman? - 
Anxiously thought Stirlitz watching the next train without 
hedgehogs. 


   Stirlitz already asleep when it started
rain forced him to open his eyes. On the cars passing train was 
clumsily written "IGELS. With a cry of "Hurrah!" Stirlitz 
launched a gun ... 



   CHAPTER 1


   - Good morning, Comrade Stirlitz!


   Stirlitz shuddered, grabbed the gun and woke up. Before him 
stood smiling A new radio operator.



   - And it's you, Anna, - replied Stirlitz yawning - hello, 
hello, how you sleep well?



   - I'm sorry, not Anna, I - Katyusha - offended radio 
operator - and slept, Thank you, good.



   - So I'm not Stirlitz ... Conspiracy Annn ... Katyusha must 
understand ... 


   "I wonder why I call it Annushka - thought Stirlitz - for 
this is something lies ... "



   - And I'll bring hot coffee, smiled again, radio operator.


   "... And I wonder why she was Katy? .. He continued to 
himself, and said aloud: "Thank you very much." "And

in general, I wonder what I did yesterday? "

- The question was relevant, because Stirlitz gut feeling that 
yesterday, did not drink, but from then he cracked his head so 
he could not understand. 


   - Here Come on, Katherine, check your
vigilance - continued Stirlitz sipping Brazilian coffee. - 
Think-ka than Yesterday I doing?



   Kate thought for a moment and staring at the ceiling and 
began to speak a studied: 


   - First, you went to church to pastor
Schlag in triumph, then returned home,
pulled out from under the gun rack and shoved
it under his shirt, then he stopped at
streets and armored personnel carriers arrived on it
the station; dragged the soldiers a few grenades, got into a 
commuter train and went to there without a ticket ...



   - Enough - interrupted Stirlitz-on and I know myself - he 
suddenly remembered everything. - A telegram to the Centre gave 
you? 


   - About what?


   "Okay, but that something is about
I do not know "- thought Stirlitz.


   - Dictates:

"Felix from Eustace. Top Secret.


   Hedgehogs on the loose. Biological balance in the Soviet 
Union restored. Operation "IGELS" frustrated. I Serve the 
Soviet Union. 


                                  Isayev. "


   - Is that all? - Asked the radio operator.


   - All - Stirlitz said.


   - Okay, I'll pass by the first session
communications - cheerful said Katya.


   - The more-than pass them? - Repeated
Stirlitz.


   - The first communication session, - she said not so 
confident. 


   - No communication sessions! Give
immediately, and then at the Center will begin a dinner, and
Friday afternoon telegrams from
Germany will not be accepted.


   - I did not know - embarrassed, Katya
- Could then even pass out of the woods. For
conspiracy?


   - There is no conspiracy! - The indignant cut Stirlitz-pass 
should immediately right here: I have the same cold! 


   And Stirlitz defiantly sneezed. Radio operator mumbled 
something about the user, she is afraid to violate and of the 
Supreme concerned about security Eustace and promises to punish 
her if she Eustace did not will save. Stirlitz wanted

tell her gently: "Girl, do not be afraid
remember better what you have sent me "- but changed his mind 
and said sternly: "So to the Motherland. That's an order."



   Sending a telegram, Katya went home, occasionally sobbing 
with fear. 


   "And why they sent me this Soviet
schoolgirl? "- lamented Stirlitz. He thought also that the 
need-to heal from a cold, but then the doorbell rang. The maid 
opened it, gasped and clasped her hands: on the threshold stood 
a dozen Mueller SS.



   - A-ah, Stirlitz! What did you have yesterday
left? - Greeted Gestapo chief, "bad, old chap, bad as they say
Russian ...


   - Ungrateful - hissed Stirlitz
through clenched teeth - I told them yesterday, we can say
lives saved, and they've already dripped ...


   - This is true if-you were our
mutual friends, would surely upilis senseless - Mueller agreed 
- but that's you left me in vain. Stirlitz! You

in fact no longer small, do not climb where no
should, without consulting me.


   - Something happened, man? Asked fluttered Stirlitz.


   - Imagine Stirlitz - continued Mueller - Today I drove to
Stirlitz home - find out what he had done at night on the 
railway, and to his home already drove Finder Security Service. 
I ask: "What's the matter?" - Answer: "intercepted Russian 
radio operator" - and group capture beleaguer house. Vida y

Shtirlitsa something wrong, let me - I think that-come. "And in 
between times I ask the corporal: "And why do you think that 
the radio operator certainly a Russian? "- and you know 
Stirlitz that he told me? - Muller silent. 


   - What? - Stirlitz looked expectantly
by Cpl.


   Corporal hesitated.


   - Bold, bold, speak, feel free - encouraged Corporal Muller.


   - I said ... - Cpl shifted from
foot to foot, - I said it in Berlin
difficult to find the second such ... um ... adventurer.


   - Well, let not the case, but the meaning
pretty close, "added Mueller innocent
smirk - How do you, like Stirlitz? I-have on your site not be 
tolerated. However, I am even ready to understand him! 
Admit-ka, Stirlitz what crap you sent to Comrade Stalin? 


   - And you're gone ... - Snapped Stirlitz
- I've been in the sweat of leading radio games with
Moscow, and all sorts of stupid soldafony prevent me to do my 
duty to the Reich! 


   - Heard, boobs? - Snapped Mueller soldiers - a march from 
here! 


   "A great, I kicked them!" - Glad
himself Stirlitz.


   When the soldiers came Mueller again turned to Stirlitz:


   - Yes, Stirlitz, you are not as simple as
I think. However, between us: why I do not know anything about 
this to your operation? 


   - In fact, my friend Muller, it is
my most top-secret operation - said Stirlitz whisper.


   - Ah, here's how - the top-secret
operation - Muller also switched to a whisper,
- Then it is understandable why these fools you
immediately detected. And you can ask
as you progress?


   - Well, Mueller, recently Russian
sent me a new radio operator, and the present
Soviet radio!


   - Bravo, Stirlitz, I heartily congratulate you! But ... one 
indiscreet question: You've seen this radio operators?



   "Really and Mueller pecked!" - Stirlitz was ecstatic.


   - Sure.


   - Well, as it is, I mean like?


   - Nothing - Stirlitz alert,
- But I want to tell you that all these Russian is very 
original. 


   - Stirlitz, I have a suggestion for you: let's podsunem this 
our, that is your, radio operator Bormann. He likes to be 
original. Then the Russian you more believe, as we will in time 
learn about all its nastiness.



   - Have a Borrmann his secretary is quite good - said 
Stirlitz after some thought - but it still is risky. I have yet 
to think about. 


   - Throw, Stirlitz! What might be
risk in the waiting room at this fat pig! Although, perhaps, 
think this'll do only benefit - Mueller chuckled, "I wish you 
good luck! 


   When the door closed behind Muller,
Stirlitz began furiously scratching your head. The idea Muller 
Stirlitz liked, but to share Katyusha Bormann he did not want 
to, but did not deny Muller followed. Serious thoughts weighed 
troubled head Standartenfuhrer Shtirlitsa. 


   "The first step is to report on the Homeland
My new operation - he thought - and then I'll think of 
something "... Stirlitz went to the phone and dialed the number 
of radio operators. 



   CHAPTER 2


   On the table lay Schellenberg interesting documents. Its 
meaning was Schellenberg confusing and reread his chief of SD

For the fifth time:

"I order you to give that title Stirlitz Gruppenfiihrer.


               Supreme Commander

                              J. Stallin. "


   "I do not understand - thought Schellenberg
- What does "t." ? Probably should be
"City" since the word "master" begins with "city". But why then 
printed namely, "that is," and, for example, "chapters", not

"P ."..?" yet its tortured doubts as to whether there was in 
the Wehrmacht rate "Supreme Commander": "If there was,

why I did not know? If No then
why they gave her and us - no? "In this
minute Schellenberg shamelessly jealous
Wehrmacht.


   Even stronger than he was interested in who is
J. Stallin, but remember this name Schellenberg did not 
succeed. True, the letter "J" probably meant "Jukow", but he 
did not could not remember where and when he heard his name.



   After much deliberation Schellenberg finally decided to send 
the paper to Bormann signature. It was the surest way of

get rid of it: Parteigenosse Bormann never returned to the 
foreign documents. 


   Schellenberg called adjutant.


   *


   Meanwhile snot haunted Soviet intelligence officer and 
Stirlitz called a doctor. Of course, the doctor could and 
kidnap as required by Soviet intelligence officers in

Germany's last instruction union
Stirlitz but decided to take the initiative
much valued in our time, and do
informally - to call the doctor Reich Chancellery. He was 
confident that the Centre had its forgive.



   The doctor came very quickly.


   - What complaint? - He asked
threshold.


   - Runny nose, the doctor, - answered plaintively
Stirlitz and blew his nose.


   - Then take your coat off - the doctor ordered.
Stirlitz undressed.


   The doctor looked at his eyes, cleared
ears, long tapped his chest, then inspected the arms, legs and 
knocked knees Stirlitz rubber mallet. However, he all the time 
muttering to himself. Finally, he straightened up and said: 


   - So. The ribs are intact, - Doctor scratched
perspiring bald head - I suspect you
particularly acute form of ARD.


   - What should I do now, Doctor?
- Stirlitz downright scared.


   - I do not think you have already developed
Chronic distribulyatsiya muscle tissue.
Operation we'll probably will not do ...


   "All clear!" - Thought Stirlitz - I
ran into our own provocateur of 2
MOLGMI! "


   - ... Vodka not to drink is not a stew;
"White Sea" do not smoke, - continued the doctor, with 
unfamiliar girl in a restaurant not to go. 


   Hand Shtirlitsa slowly but surely reached for the bottle of 
vodka: he wanted to run her in the head physician. However, 
physician was an experienced saboteur, and noticed cautious 
movement Stirlitz become so also slowly making their way to the 
door and kept on talking, talking, talking ... When Stirlitz 
thrown, finally, the bottle he had already whisk out the door. 
Stirlitz even shed a tear due to the fact that the bottle was 
broken before reaching the goal. After a few seconds the door 
opened slightly and she squeezed his head doctor.



   - Glory to the CPSU (b)! - Nasty voice shouted the head and 
the door slammed shut again. 


   It really was a Soviet saboteur of 2 MOLGMI.


   After a while the noise rose
Shtirlitsa maid.


   - What happened? - She asked, feeling the smell of vodka and 
taken on the floor shards of glass.



   - This type is already gone?


   - What type? Doctor? - Did not understand the maid - Doctor 
left. 


   - A pity ...


   - Comrade Stirlitz that you have here
happened? - The maid was not abating.


   - Nothing, - lied Stirlitz - Disinfection.


   - So, you can remove? - She saw that Stirlitz telling the 
truth. 


   - Of course, Frau, - allow a good
Stirlitz.


   The maid went to fetch a broom, and in my head
Soviet spy itching new
idea: he had to shove Bormann not Catherine, and one of the 
congregation of Pastor Schlag. Mueller, however, they all saw, 
but it could be misleading. It only remained invisible force 
Bormann look for a new secretary. "And then I have to

it will come and he will ask the secretary of me - thought 
Stirlitz - the main thing that Bormann did not guess that here 
involved I am. "



   He had already reached for the phone to negotiate with 
Schlag, but suddenly the phone rang myself. "Really - Schlag? - 
Amazed Stirlitz. 


   But it was Bormann:


   - Hello, Stirlitz! - Rattled Parteigenosse, "I have to you 
have one question for.



   - Ask - sadly replied
Stirlitz: now Bormann was he did not
needed.


   - Stirlitz, why do not you at work?


   - I'm always at work - snapped
Stirlitz.


   - Probably, you are always on the line of duty,
but at work I find you now can not,
- Y Bormann was a good mood. He
just received an order from Schellenberg
increase Shtirlitsa and was glad that so
leave it Standartenfiihrer.


   - Parteigenosse, I have a runny nose, "prognusavil Stirlitz 
- the doctor put me in bed ...



   - Not in this case, Stirlitz. You do not know who this J. 
Stallin? - Borman silent. - He is very interested in you. 


   - Stalin? - Asked Stirlitz, "I do not know this. And what 
does he want? 


   - Why, Why ... So ... Nonsense, "Borman was offended and 
wanted to annoy Stirlitz - Posted by anonymous letter to you.



   - And why he sent it to you, and not
Mueller?


   - But who knows? - Borman decided it was time to say 
goodbye. - Well, not chi-chi, a colleague, pains, you need a 
rest ... 


   - No, no, no! - Cut him Stirlitz - he decided to act 
decisively and without delay - Borman! In your last secretary 
too wide hips! 


   - What! - Cried Parteigenosse - A
Well, repeat!


   - Back in your last secretary
too fat! - The syllables repeated
Stirlitz.


   - Ah, my thighs last secretary ... - Borman realized - and 
perhaps they wide? I somehow did not notice.



   - Large, Bormann, broad, - urged
it Stirlitz - you, old man behind the times.


   - No, my friend - resisted Bormann - maybe for you they are 
wide, and me - at the time.



   - No, Borman, no! Now the world is fashionable to have a 
secretary with a narrow butt. 


   - Truth is fashionable?


   - True, true. Therefore I will not deceive Reichsleiter!


   - Then, all right - he said relieved
Parteigenosse - look for yourself another. Thank you Stirlitz 
bye. 


   Stirlitz was about to cry: "How - to
Good-bye! "- but Borman spoke again:


   - I almost forgot! Help me with a new
secretary ...


   - I think - promised Stirlitz.


   Soviet intelligence was wrong is rare.



   CHAPTER 3


   Reichsleiter Bormann sat in his office and pondered the 
meaning of life, what happened to him often. 


   "This is certainly bad - I think Borman - that Stirlitz not 
come to Eva Braun. Hee-hee. But the British agent - well, too. 
It is only strange why Fritz gave letter does not Stirlitz, and 
this spy? " 


   From a strong kick the door opened, and appeared on the 
threshold Stirlitz. Arm He held smazlivenkuyu blonde with black 
eyes. 


   By surprise and jumped Borman
He reached in his desk drawer: the morning before he could fill 
the buttons on the chairs. 


   - Stirlitz, are you? - Ran out of buttons
Bormann and hand feverishly sharila on TV
looking for a new box.


   - You blind you, or what? - Good-naturedly
Stirlitz smiled. - I brought you a new secretary ...


   - Anyone who? - Asked Borman,
trying to open a box of buttons, one
hand.


   - The secretary - the syllables repeated
Stirlitz. - Annchen want to work at Borman? - He turned to the 
girl. 


   - I want - timidly answered Annchen.


   Borman often blinked. He managed to open the same box with 
buttons and He began to understand the meaning.



   - Stirlitz! You found my secretary?
- Reichsleiter happy as a child-Stirlitz, let me kiss you!


   - No, Parteigenosse! - Scared
Stirlitz.


   - Stirlitz - Borman, suddenly switched
in a whisper - but her thighs are normal?
Somewhere in here I had a line ...


   - What do you mean - tried to keep him
Stirlitz - some other time.


   But Borman continued to look for something in
table.


   - Lord, how much was in my
previous ... - He stared at the ceiling,
- No, I do not remember. And yet recorded ...


   - On another occasion, my friend, in another
times.


   - Okay, have at other times - from
grieving Bormann sat on a box with buttons
and on his face an expression of excruciating pain.


   - Go, Stirlitz - he said
a choked voice, "on myself.


   Stirlitz Annchen friendly pat on the back and silently 
walked out. Behind the door stood Mueller. 


   - This is Russian radio operator? - He asked fearfully.


   - Yes.


   - Stirlitz remember me you were afraid for
that its radio operator?


   - I'm still afraid for her - lying
Stirlitz.


   - And here I am now afraid for Bormann ...


   - Why would it? - Stirlitz felt something was wrong.


   - From the church of your Schlag my boys
pulled out at that time hundredweight of dynamite! And this
girl I saw there among the congregation!


   - I have invited her - smile
Soviet spy.


   - Stirlitz! You - the hero! - Cried
Mueller struck.


   The door opened and she was pushed
Bormann's head.


   - Excuse, - he said to Mueller, "Stirlitz, for a moment.


   Stirlitz entered. The secretary was not there.


   - Where Annchen - he asked.


   - In the next room - Borman said in a whisper, - I say, she 
had worked at Schlag! 


   - So what?


   - Do you trust him too, one of
his congregation was the British agent, and even a man!


   - Believe me, this is - a woman - reassured him Stirlitz.


   - Really? Well, okay then ... - Borman
paused - By the way, how are you zdorve?


   - Doctor - beast. As he left, wrote on
the wall of my house: "Death to the German invaders!"


   - That's just the people there probably gathered!
- Sympathized with Bormann.


   - Yes. Well, I must: Muller awaits.


   - Well, run, run ...


   Stirlitz left. "One day I would thank him?" - Borman thought.


   At the same time his hand mechanically deduced
on a sheet of paper: "SHTIRLITS - a fool." "...
Fool, fool, fool ... - Borman thought, "Whoa! I am - a fool and 
not Stirlitz! I and did not give him my letter from Eva Braun! 
FOUL! Nerd! Idiot! "He ran out into the corridor, but 
Shtirlitsa was not there. 


   "However, so even better - realized
Borman, some having come to himself, - do
so that it is nothing guessed. "


   There was only one sure way to
make Stirlitz not figured it out. AND
Bormann knew him. He put the letter in Eve
Safe, covered his note "SHTIRLITS - a fool" and locked on two 
secret castle. Then He called on duty and asked him to convey 
Stirlitz when he comes back, that Borman asked to go. After 
that Bormann called Annchen and together they went to the 
movies. 


   *


   "Everything - thought Stirlitz - Games in democracy ended: 
time deliberately resign ourselves to the difficulties." 


   - Mueller, do you think what the next operation against the 
Russian take your command? - Strongly asked

he said.


   - Lord, how could I know! "Replied Mueller.


   - And after all? - Stirlitz groping in
pocket pistol.


   - Yes, why do you need? - Asked Mueller - Are you Russian 
agent? 


   - Yes. Do not move. Shoot on sight - said Stirlitz through
teeth, thrusting his revolver Muller in the back.


   - Isaev! You crazy? - Mueller does not
downright scared. - There are people everywhere!


   At this point guard, standing at the end of the corridor, I 
felt something was wrong. He Stirlitz ran to the back and 
knocked the gun. 


   Stirlitz but never thought to give up: he
bitten by a guard's finger, pushed on the floor
and began kicking his feet. Mueller was sorry
poor guy, and he slapped on Shtirlitsa
shoulder and said softly:


   - Stirlitz, please stop to thrash this young man, and so you 
behave today too unseemly. 


   - This fascist attacked a young one
my back!


   - Stop, Stirlitz! - Repeated
Muller - You're here in the imperial
office, not at his dacha.


   Stirlitz sochuvstvuyusche looked at guard and stepped aside.


   - Confess, why are you climbed
at me with a gun? - Continued Muller
- Frankly, from you I am not joking
expected.


   - And why did you call me Russian
spy? - A question with a question answered
Stirlitz.


   Muller stopped, he felt guilty before Stirlitz thought now
how to make amends. A Stirlitz, deciding that
deliberately resign ourselves to the difficulties
too dangerous, he asked:


   - Why did you call me "isayew",
what this word means?

- I do not know - said Mueller - This is a
I escaped from fear - and, after a pause,
added - and if you want to know that we have
plotting against the Russian, the very convergence
tomorrow's meeting.


   - But I was there was not invited ...


   - Come on, so no one will run.
And now let's go to our favorite spot and
forget what happened today.


   At this time beaten by a guard Stirlitz
crawled to his office and turned on the alarm. Siren wailed.


   - Hurried off! - Shouted Stirlitz
Mueller and old friends had disappeared around the bend passage.


   *


   It was getting dark. Borman again sat in his office. The 
phone rang. Borman took tube. Called on duty:



   - Parteigenosse - he said - came Stirlitz. I sent it to you.


   Borman smiled and rubbed his hands rather held in a room 
adjacent to the cabinet. 


   Ten minutes later entered the room
Stirlitz. They Muller had to go no
only in his favorite spot, but in five others, and now 
Shtirlitsa slightly rocked. Stirlitz looked: Bormann nowhere 
was. 


   - That bastard! - Stirlitz said loudly.
- Reel ...


   He was about to leave, but noticed in the
darkest corner of the room safe.


   - Aha! - Said Stirlitz - Here's to you for this!


   He walked over to the safe, fairly quickly
opened his pocket knife and pulled out a note Bormann. Borman 
jerk of laughter in the next room: he saw everything through a 
hidden crack. 


   "SHTIRLITS - a fool" - and read Stirlitz
smiled. Bormann could not understand why
Stirlitz smiles, he did not know that the Soviet command 
reported as his intelligence officer on the next promotion. 


   Stirlitz put a note in his pocket, closer
to heart and ran out of room. Letters from Eva
Brown said he did not.


   Vexation Borman tore his hair.



   CHAPTER 4


   During the last bombing in the bunker
Hitler burst sewer. For this reason, and also at the suggestion 
of Mueller's meeting of the supreme command of the Reich was 
moved to the pub "on the Spree." Goebbels, Minister propogandy 
long resented this: he was dear to clean and perfect moral 
character of the great Fuehrer. 


   - Troubling better about his physical
guise, - said Mueller - razdobud
normal drink.


   - On his appearance, would be thought - added Borman - and 
morally, and chi-chi, physical. 


   Great Fuhrer often mayalsya belly
why during the last meeting with him
what happened is not quite decent. Goebbels then a poor-quality 
beer deprived quarterly bonus, but the plan once the operation 
nonetheless irretrievably lost and the Russian managed to 
change the situation on the fronts in their favor. Laughter is 
the Borrmann Goebbels explained blind love for all kinds of 
girls, especially young kinoaktrissam, for what it was called, 
and lascivious bull calf. Last affection propogandy minister 
turned to his long stay in a very sound fear and now Goebbels 
had just begun to rebound. 


   - What are you hinting at? - Goebbels fired up, making an 
innocent person. 


   - On that unhappy Magdochka
so long could not close his eyes,
the way to your numerous offspring,
and no, poor thing, she could not understand any such affairs 
of state do not allow You sleep at home - said Schellenberg.

He was happy as a child her magnificent long sentence, although 
they knew that Magda is well aware of the passions of her 
husband. 


   - What will you namekaete? - Repeated offended Goebbels.


   - Yes that you, hog fat,
too keen on Young
girls - fat Borman laugh
calling skinny Minister propogandy bold
hog. He wanted to add something about appetitnenkih little 
slut, but then the door opened ... 


   - For a sire mating sows needed! -On the threshold stood a 
delightful Stirlitz - A hog, sorry, not able to seduce even the 
old pig, not that cinematic girl. 


   - Stirlitz! - Exclaimed rehabilitated so Goebbels. - How do 
you here? " After you've never

visited our secret meetings!


   - Tell me, - broke in Bormann - how do you know about the 
hog? 


   The second question was strategically less
dangerous for the Soviet spy, and he did not
hesitation replied:


   - And here, in Isaevskogo district of Voronezh region, about 
all they know. 


   - Yes, the wit you can not refuse, "chuckled quietly 
Mueller. - Well, once you come, advise us where to meet, and 
then "The Spree" we all already tired of the order. 


   - I can invite you, gentlemen, "Three
pig, "- replied Stirlitz - this is the most cultural place in 
Berlin, which I I know.



   Muller smiled bitterly, but to intervene
no time: it turned out that in "Three pigs" none of those 
present had never and the proposal was greeted Shtirlitsa

with enthusiasm.


   *


   It was already after midnight, when emptied
a few bottles of schnapps, possessed Fuhrer
decided to start a secret meeting.


   - Stirlitz your ears! - Doedaya hodgepodge, muttered Hitler. 
Soviet spy reluctantly complied. 


   - It's useless, my Führer! - In the eyes of Bormann have 
double vision, "these Stirlitz can read lips. But what can

think about the German officers that British intelligence 
officer, sitting behind the second table, Shtirlitsa seeing 
with their ears stuck to the index finger ... 


   - And that is true, "agreed Hitler.


   Swaying, rose from his chair Goebbels.


   - Lord, I have a rescue plan
of our fatherland. Let's luck would hold the Bolsheviks 
somewhere, and best of all directly in the Reichstag, 
masquerade ball! I swear the best Bavarian beer, it will bring 
them into misleading, and at the same time and raise the combat

spirit of the soldiers Reich.


   - Pr-p-Correct! - Bad voice
yelled Stirlitz, overturning the twelfth
a glass of schnapps from his shoulder. -I suggest
it today, in honor of May Day!


   - Well done, Stirlitz! Why wait? Today - as today - eagerly 
supported to Mueller. His enthusiasm is easy to explain. 
Nobody, except Stirlitz not know how violently broke some of 
his girls today Pastor Schlag. 


   - Why, why I'm impotent! "-
like reading the thoughts Mueller, thought the Great Führer.


   - Offer to elect a steering committee!
-Grunted party activist Borman and again buried his head in a 
bowl with half-eaten steak. 


   The organizing committee, after much debate and singing Nazi 
songs chosen Eva Braun, Mueller, Stirlitz and Bormann himself. 
Having added a quick holiday scenario, the activists continued 
their secret meeting. 


   By three o'clock in the morning Stirlitz fell asleep in the 
empty bowls of soup. He dreamed of a huge ezhiha, surrounded by 
ten young ezhatami a pioneering tie. Mother ezhiha

stood on its hind legs and burst into tears and said: - Thank 
you, Comrade Isaev, from all working people. "- Thank you for

our happy childhood! ", squealed in unison
ezhata, and each of them one by one shook
hand Stirlitz.


   *


   Stirlitz was awakened by a strong blow to the
ear. Scout opened his eyes. Before him
was a huge partisan in his hat with earflaps
with a red stripe.


   - What are you, its not you know? -Shouted
Stirlitz and overlaid taken aback partisan
three-story mat.


   Partizan stood with his mouth open, but finally came to his 
senses and realized it, took out a tablet four times a folded 
newspaper, "For the Motherland!" For Stalin! ", in which 
reported the failure of Operation Igels and Appropriation 
Stirlitz rank of colonel NKVD.



   - Sorry, Comrade Isaev, not recognized
- Sorry, "muttered the guerrillas, with a sidelong glance
Picture Shtirlitsa on the front page
newspaper.


   Stirlitz glanced at his watch and realized that
late for the masquerade.



   CHAPTER 5


   Going to the Reichstag, Stirlitz nearly
burst into tears. At the main entrance stood a platoon
SS men, dressed in Ryazan shirts. In broken Russian, they hardly
tried to sing "Kalinka - Malinka, then
cause stumbling and going to "Hitler zoldaten. Stirlitz barely 
keep from to come and kiss each of them,

but looking closer to a fascist fed rozham, spat, and turned 
away. 


   - Is not it just like you do at home - sympathetically 
patting Shtirlitsa on shoulder, and said nowhere grafted

Muller.


   - Yes, "mused the Soviet
scout, "but helmets still be better
removed.


   - Stirlitz, why have you come in the form?
Today, the masquerade - sarcastically asked
Muller.


   - Man, I am in this fancy dress
For fifteen years I go, why should I change now?


   Polite Muller pretended not
hear the words Shtirlitsa and carefully adjusted the
his vest and his cap with the inscription "
Aurora and gold-anchor on the tapes.


   Masquerade Ball started superbly. C
nightfall, after a dazzling
fireworks in the courtyard of the Reichstag solemnly
Alpine squad shot shooters
make up by Voroshilov.


   - You're a fool Borman! We in the country
Tips for holiday rehabilitate, rather than
shoot! -Sadly remarked Stirlitz.


   - Well mixed - with whom there is no -
Bormann was embarrassed enough to sulk, it is better
The valuation is my costume!


   The costume is simple Soviet mechanic
Parteigenosse was very becoming. For beauty Borman even stuffed 
into the pockets of sweatshirts wrenches. On the chest Bormann 
quilted jacket once painfully familiar bulging. 


   - Crush? - Guess the desire Stirlitz
Borman took from his inside pocket a bottle of grain brew and 
faceted glass. 


   - Fuck you! - Stirlitz bravely overcame a wild desire to 
quickly sober - with you, fascist Gad, best shit in half slurp! 
And brew our own enemy Gubenko not trash! 


   With these words, Soviet spy
snatched nearly crying Bormann bottle
and a firm step walked to the table, angrily shaking his hips.


   - Gospada, well, I pachimu impatent!
- With a Georgian accent shouted mentally
Great Fuhrer, who was sitting at the head table in
a protective jacket with epaulets Generalissimo
The Soviet Union, thoughtfully puffing his pipe.


   From under the table, next to the stool, on the
which sat Stirlitz got smeared
red lipstick Schellenberg in a white starched kerchief. 
Miraculous transformation Chief of the Abwehr in the best 
Soviet milkmaid amused everyone except Shtirlitsa. Emptied half 
a bottle of brew, he tore off evil White Coat Schellenberg icon 
striker Communist labor and fastened it to itself

on his cap.


   - Do not worthy! - Triumphantly said Stirlitz, then clearly 
cheered. 


   Hitler quickly drunk on all fours and crawled under the 
table, heading for battened down the hem of his robe 
Schellenberg. He quickly calmed down and fell asleep, having 
received the impact stroke forged boot, to the great joy

Eva Braun and most Schellenberg.


   *


   At nine o'clock in the evening everything is order
tired and decided to go smoke on the balcony Reichstag. 
Sleeping quietly Führer stole the guards and fired on the 
balcony twin.



   Eyes bigwigs of the Third Reich presented itself
a majestic sight. Past the Reichstag
on Under den Linder slender columns
were crowds of German workers. Above their heads, but colored 
balls and white cardboard doves, fluttering red

banners with hammers and sickles, portraits
Lenin, Stalin and Kim Il Sung. Festive banners adorned with the 
slogans: "There is no global capital", "No pasaran!"

and "Glory to the CPSU (b) !!!". Someone loudly playing the 
harmonica, and Frau in red kerchiefs danced hopak. 


   Stirlitz avaricious dropped a tear and stretched out to 
attention, saluted. 


   - Look! The same Stirlitz! - Someone shouted down.


   - Stirlitz Stirlitz ...! -Swept
above the columns of demonstrators and was soon in
wall echoes Nazi lair hit a deafening cry.


   - Shtirlitsa - in the Fuhrer! Public Enemies
- The answer!


   Among the standing on the balcony began a quiet ferment. 
Mueller tore his vest and attach next to Stirlitz, said in a 
whisper: 


   - It looks like it smells of state
coup, Mueller timidly rang handcuffs.


   - Oh, come on you, Muller, not portte
people party!


   Muller dropped his head and saw in his
tattoo on his chest, "Navy" on the background of an anchor and
naked mermaid.


   - "I Think I rewrite" - thought
he bit his torn ends of the vest.


   - That's it! -Confirmed Stirlitz -
have fun better than the last one time!


   - Huh?


   - ... on! - Y Shtirlitsa no mood to talk. He momentarily 
forgot about the conspiracy and, finding his eyes Hitler's 
head, was about to throw it from the balcony, but changed his 
mind, remembering that this is only double.



   *


   Close to midnight celebration broke out with
new force. From the front, it's reinforcement
in the form of fifty trucks, brim full of boxes with schnapps.


   - The enemy will be defeated! Victory will be
us! - Shouted Goebbels, climbing to
table. But he was no one listened.


   In the bunker of Hitler Eva Braun showed
striptease.


   - Listen, Stirlitz - said Eva
Brown, sitting naked on his lap
- And after winning you will take me with him to Moscow?


   - Actually, I'm married! - Having said that,
Stirlitz realized that slip - and work here a lot. The 
fatherland is in danger! Nowhere to retreat - behind Berlin! 


   - You idiot, all you jokes, jokes -
Eva Braun hurt pouted and ran
cuddle with Bormann. To tell the truth
Eva did not inspire Stirlitz no sexual appetite, but to offend 
a woman Soviet intelligence did not want to. He

frankly bored by radio operators Kate Kremlin stars, and 
pancakes with sour cream. 


   The mood he lifted the front of non-commissioned officer, 
ran into Reichschancellery with heart-rending cry: 


   - It's over! Russian tanks, thirty kilometers from Berlin!


   - Set aside a panic, you're a soldier Reich!
Firstly, not Russian, and Soviet. A
Secondly, does it now anyway? calmed the crowd cool Stirlitz.


   - Bravo, Standartenfiihrer! You are a true hero! they all 
shouted, and even Müller thrice kissed Shtirlitsa and burst 
into tears, confessed that up to this point regarded him as a 
Russian spy. 


   - Not a spy, and scout! - Corrected him sympathetically 
Stirlitz. 


   *


   Masquerade Ball is clearly delayed. Evening
the second day the boys of "Hitler-Jugend" in
naglazhennoy pioneering form arranged for
square in front of the Reichstag fire and the great pioneer, 
along with overslept Fuehrer and vociferous Goebbels until the 
morning singing " Vzveytes bonfires, blue night! "



   Stirlitz this whole mess really liked. Firstly, because the 
veteran scout for the last time delayed as much as at the 
graduation in his native village school. A Secondly, he 
reported to the Center of the successful conduct of the 
operation "Masquerade". 


   At night, the next day sitting Stirlitz
with Kate on the roof of the Reichstag and dictated
dispatches her text:


   "Eustace - Alex. Celebration in the
swing. Can begin. I serve the Soviet
Union! "


   - What are you doing here? - Behind Shtirlitsa as always 
stood Mueller. 


   - You have that memory otshiblo? Veda radio games with 
Moscow. 


   - Who is that?


   - A new pianist.


   - And who are you then lectured Bormann?
-Continued to speak maliciously Mueller.


   - Shut up! Many want to know! -
furious, yelled Stirlitz - I love you
Now, skin Gestapo, from the roof to fold. Before the victory is 
not will live, bastard! 


   The threat had its effect, and Mueller in a hurry
thundered the drainpipe, and not
understand to what such a victory, he can not
survive.


   *


   Stirlitz stood on the roof of the Reichstag with a 
walkie-talkie in his back and stared into the black sky in 
Berlin. Behind the door reyhstagovskoy pigeon something small 
shook. 


   - Golubok "- thought Stirlitz.


   - "The very blue!" - Had not heard,
Hitler thought, tucking his tunic in his pants,
 - "Why, why am I impotent!"


   On this night, the Great Führer also not
sleep. Unsteady gait, he walked out of
dovecote and looked around.


   - Heil ... -Reluctantly mumbled Stirlitz.


   - Well you Stirlitz fool some fooling - Fuhrer clearly 
mayalsya with a hangover - better to tell it's there for the 
lights on horizon.



   - Crickets, my Führer! - Stretched
at attention, Having reported Stirlitz.


   - And the truth is crickets! - Happily vzviegnul Hitler - 
So, soon the summer ... 


   - Radiogram has come! "-Guessed
Stirlitz. Soviet spy fine
knew that it spotlights the Red Army and
that the assault began in Berlin, but, as befits a true 
professional to the end comply with the laws of conspiracy.



   CONCLUSION


   Outside the window was rain and a crowd of German
prisoners.


   Stalin tapped on the shoulder
General Zhukov:


   - As you sleep, Marshal Zhyukov?


   - Anxious.


   - And correctament. Imperialism ne dremlet.
A Chito does seychas tovarysch Isaev?


   - He was at his post.


   - Tell him that he Harashi worked, but we nelzya rest. Barba 
pradalzhaetsya. Komandyvanie nadeetsya at him. 


   - "Serve the Soviet Union" - of
Receiver Cabinet Stalin openly voice boomed Shtirlitsa.


   - That's otlychno. U menya you eat
new job, said the Generalissimo,
slope to the speaker.


   And outside was rain and a crowd of prisoners of war.