01 января 1995

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                   GIRLZILLAS GUIDE TO LAGER                    
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IN A DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO GETTING OUT OF IT, CLARE GIRLZILLA     
TAKES YOU ON A JOURNEY OF LIVER DAMAGE. SIX TRAMPS FROM DEPTFORD
WERE LINED UP AT THE ANCHOR IN THE HIGH STREET AND TESTED WITH  
POPULAR BRANDS. GET A PRINT OUT OF THIS AND TAKE IT WITH YOU THE
NEXT TIME YOU GO SHOPPING. YOU'LL THANK US IN THE LONG RUN!     
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CARLING BLACK LABEL: Weak and thin. Avoid, or fart all night.   
                                                                
CARLSBERG: I wouldn't even give this to a Scottish person.      
                                                                
CASTLEMAINE XXXX:  Australian shit only fit for rinsing         
kangaroos in a car wash. Cheap looking pansy orange tin.        
                                                               
FOSTERS: Crap looking tin. Shit lager, weak and stringy.        
                                                                
GROLSCH: Lovely tin, grey and white. Better in bottles as they  
have a cool plug on top. Mid-paced, ok piss-up.                 
                                                               
HARP:  Weak belly ache inducing donkeys piss. And that is an    
insult to donkeys cocks.                                        
                                                               
HOFFMEISTER: You can get this for about 48p a tin, because it is
fucking rubbish. I'd get more fucked on water and a lemon      
 slice.                                                         
KRONENBERG 1664: Nice drop if you go for taste. It's a mid-paced
piss up, will take you about 4 good cans to get there. Serve   
chilled and with plenty of crisps, pastry and chips.            
                                                                
PSI-CO HOME BREW:  Not available in cans. Lethal.               
                                                                
SKOL:  Slim penis Danish lager for queers and husbands.         
                                                                
SPECIAL BREW: Brewed in Northampton on licence from the         
Carlsberg empire. They used to make a lot of shoes in          
Northampton you know, that's why the local footy team is called
the Cobblers. Fucking interesting this fanzine lark eh?        
This beer blows your tits off and comes in at 9%. The taste is 
dry and some say an aquired taste. After the second tin you    
can't taste anything anyway.                                    
                                                                
SUPER BREW:  Currently on promotion so you can get tins for 99p.
This stuff will stop a rampaging rhino at 30 yards, coming as  
it does in a vomit packing 9.6%!!!! I've only seen this on sale
in London so read this and weep sheep shaggers.                 
                                                                
'SUPERMARKET HOME-BRANDS': Don't be sad, this is cheap and naff 
no matter what it is called. Save your 30p and buy some sweets. 
                                                                
TENNENTS EXTRA:  id-paced, a bit thin but ok if there is nothing
else going in a pub somewhere.                                  
                                                                
TENNENTS SUPER:  Apart from the thistle on the tin this is      
sorted gear. Delicious purple/blue tin with red trim. This is  
like Special Brew at 9% but is much sweeter, a bit like treacle
mixed with fanny batter. Have one tin and a good wank, yes,    
life is that good being that simple.