01 января 1995

                        How To Be Lame                          
                        --------------                          
                            By BNR                              
                            ------                             
Here are just a few tips on how to be extremely LAME!! For all  
of you who are LAME then skip this article NOW! Unsure if you're
LAME then see if your name is on the list that follows!         
                                                                 
                        BNR of Extacy-3                         
                         BNR of XTC-3                           
                          BNR of E-3                            
               Fook of TitsOot (BNR of Extacy-3)                
                                                   End of List. 
                                                               
Here goes the tips then....                                     
                                                                
1. Play loads 'n loads of Games 'n stuff.                       
2. Have a Dodgy house that contains a dodgy Speccy +3, Amiga    
   1200 and everything in it basically.                         
3. Do an A Level in biology.                                    
4. Have no job, money etc..                                     
5. Own numerous amounts of Guns 'N Roses T-Shirts even though      
you hate Guns 'N Roses and the T-Shirts are crap.            
6. Drink old men's beer at pubs (ed. Guiness, Caffery's etc.).  
7. Join a top Speccy group and do bugger all for 2 years.       
8. 'Dis' L.A. for making spelling mistakes all the time.        
9. Have a sad surname like Brain.                               
10. And create a pseudonym like "Brainer" out of it.            
11. Go out with ugly birds.                                     
12. Get off the train at the wrong station.                     
13. Like the number 13.                                         
14. Like the number 4,096 as well.                               
15. Have a copy of the periodic table on your wall!!!           
16. Have a 23-year-old brother who grunts alot, lives with his  
    mum, has never had a woman, owns huge amounts of 'Swindon'  
    porn and smells.                                            
17. Have a sad wank every night over 'Cher' videos.             
18. Erm...                                                      
19. Write "erm..." in tips.                                     
20. Think you know how 2 code when you haven't even got the     
    foggiest what LD A,69 means!                                
21. Own a copy of "Carol Vordeman's video maths class", and     
    "Pass the motorbike test with 'Gaz Top'".                   
22. Decide to go to Essex University, trying to get a shag.     
22. Not be able to count above 22.                              
22. Call yer mum "WOMAN!"                                        
22. Tell people "BEWARE OF GOING UNDER YOUR BED!".              
22. Act like a prick when YOU lose your fag.                    
22. Act like a prick when YOU lose your lighter.                
22. Be able to lose your fag and lighter in your own bedroom!!! 
22. Be a total DUMB ARSE.                                       
22. This is depressing me now.                                  
22. I think I'll just slash me wrists.                          
22. AND I CAN'T FIND MY FUCKING LIGHTER!!!                      
22. Be able to find your lighter after 10 minutes searching for 
    the damn thing.                                             
22. Give up searching for your lighter and just use L.A.'s.     
22. Then find your lighter under a magazine (porno of course).  
22. Loose it again.                                             
22. Find it in your pocket.                                     
22. Ask if the length of this article will do when you know     
    fully well that it is shorter than your own cock, which is  
    very, very small indeed!!                                   
22. Ah fuck it.                                                
                                                             end
28. Put 'end' at the end of your article when you know full well
    it's not the end of your article.                       
    22. FUCK OFF.                                               
                                                             end
22. Put 'end' at the end of your article when you know full well
    that we done away with that idea in S.E.#1.             
    22. Allright then. fuck off.