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01 января 1995 |
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I'M A BIT SILLY
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BY JOE JOE THE TOILET BRUSH
Quick note to say that it's better to have this story read out
loud to you. It's probably better not to read it at all but
there you go...
This is a story about Alec, Katie and a Green Blob. All the
names have been changed to protect the innocent. Well, they
would have been if I hadn't already told you what they were.
Where was I? Ah yes...
So anyway, this story is meant to be stupid. Anyone who dies of
boredom, laughter, stupidity or from being run over by a steam
roller - I cannot accept responsibility for.
Nor in fact can I accept responsibility for anyone being shot,
bleeding to death, having a 6 inch nail driven through their
head, drinking too much oil before bedtime or from reading
Romeo and Juilet. Thank you.
This story is being written by Joe Joe the Toilet Brush (well,
me, Da Gangster) so let's here about his life...
Joe Joe was bought from Marlows in 1968. He was bought by
Mrs ImabitsillyandIhavealumpinmyfoot who later gave up the idea
of marrying a toilet brush and decided to drink tea for the rest
of her life. Joe Joe went on to teach himself how to make the
perfect cup of coffee. He featured in many films such as
Silence of the Toilet Brush, Phamtom of the Bog, Sleepless in
the Toilet and demonlition Brush. During this time he also
taught himself how to write stupid things. This is his story,
or rather a story by him being written up by me. Joe Joe met
Joe Joe the Toilet Bowl at one part in his life but it was just
a brief fling and despite the odd newspaper report nothing
happened.
If you hear a strange whistling noise during this story, don't
turn the page. It probably means the kettle has boiled.
JOE JOE THE TOILET BRUSH
It was a Saturday night and Whigfield was nowhere to be seen.
(Thank God for that!) (I second that.ED) It couldn't have been
a Friday night as I wouldn't be able to crack that joke. Still,
it could have been a Sunday night. No-one likes Sundays as
Monday follows and knowing that Monday follows Sunday spoils the
tea-cup. Oh, sorry; The story...
The mist was as thick as pea soup as Alec and Katie drove home.
To put it mildly, they weren't the most sensible people on the
planet - far from it. So on this dark misty night, Alec who was
driving, was going at 80 M.P.H. (Is that all!!.ED) down a
small country lane. And they were in a Skoda. (Which was some
miracle!) They approached a hill. "They say this hill is
haunted,"joked Alec. "A strange man was said to have been run
over at the top of that hill and now he scares people with his
disfigured body." "Be quiet! We all know that story is bull!
(And I'm not talking about cows in fields of green grass (or
orange (Shit! I can't do orange.ED) grass (look! A bracket
inside a bracket) Thanks. And no mention of super bracket man
here either. (Damn!))))" "Don't worry love, I'm only joking.
What's for tea tonight?" But Katie never had the chance to
answer as a man ran out across the road.
Alec slammed on the breaks - they screeched and screamed not
willing to give way, but finally the car skidded to a stop.
(As Alec found out later, this brillant stop broke British,
European and world records for the quickest stop in a Skoda.
His name would go down in history.)
"Oh golly gosh! (Note:- This sentence has been edited) "Not by m
e.ED) "Alec exclaimed The car had stopped but not before there
had been a dull thud. "Oh my GOD!"screamed Katie,"Get out of the
car Alec! I hope you haven't hit that man!" "Calm down, I'll go
and check." Alec stepped out of the car, bent down and checked
underneath the car. Nothing. Alec stood up, looked behind him,
turned back to see what was in front of him when he saw a pink
thing with yellow spots. Then Alec remember that Mr Blobby had
been given a cameo roll in this story so he ignored the
incident. Then he saw 'Take That' running across the road.
(Should of hit them.ED) "I really must keep off the pot. "He
thought to himself. The next strange thing he noticed was that
he was wearing no clothes... (We are sorry for the interruption
- the previous writer has now been sacked. Can we continue with
the story please?)
Alec shook his head 'till he was dizzy. He clambered back into
his Skoda.
"Hold on a minute, how did we in a Skoda get to the top of this
hill?"
"One of the wonders of the world my dear!" replied Katie.
That was one thing he liked about Katie, she had an answer for
everything. He decided to test her;
"Do you think Antelopes make good cucumber crushers?" (Note:-
That comment was said to me by St John Swainson so he takes
credit).
"No, they're better at making chairs."
He decided the conversation had got too stupid so he turned the
key. The car didn't start.
"That's more like it!" he thought.
He turned the key again and the car growled like a bear awaken
from hibernation and started up.
Alec turned to Katie
"WAAHHH!" (or any other sutible screaming noise)
Katie had turned into a giant green blob.
The blob had giant, sharp teeth and large red eyes, nearly
popping out of their sockets.
Alec awoke. It was a bright summers day, the birds were singing
Beethovan's Sth symphony.
"BANG! BANG!"
The birds sung their final notes before bleeding to death.
Alec turned to face his wife.
"ARGHH!" (or any other, etc. etc.)
There lying in front of Alec was a green blob.
"Now you've made the sheets all green and sticky!"
THE END
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