01 января 1995

                         Stupid Lists                           
                         ------------                           
                        By Bogie Of E-3                         
                        ---------------                         
              Taken from The Book Of Stupid Lists               
                                                               
10 Reasons why the Dinosaurs may have died out                  
                                                               
They contracted 'Mad Dinosuar Disease'                          
Prince Phillip's ancestors thought it was a 'topping wheeze' to 
 hunt them for a sport                                          
They all became gay                                             
They didn't watch their cholesterol levels                      
They didn't fancy each other                                    
The Tory's were responsible                                     
The Japanese where responsible                                  
They worked too hard, ate too many fatty foods and spent too    
 much time sat infront of the TV                                
They smoked 60 a day                                            
They lived near a primitive nuclear power station and all the   
 baby dinosaurs got leukaemia                                   
                                                                
10 rivals to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Tutles                    
                                                               
The Geriatric Radioactive Kung Fu Ocelots                       
The Prepubescent Irradiated Jujitsu Wildebeest                  
The Adolescent Disfigured Tai Chi Dormice                       
The Menopausal Isotopic Karate Badgers                          
The Retired Glowing Judo Wallabies                              
The Middle-Aged Nuclear Origami Sheep                           
The Thirty-Something Toxic Black Belt Guinea Pigs               
The Just-Toddling Freako Samurai Head Lice                      
The Old-Before-Their-Time Half-Life Kamikaze Tree Shrews        
The Immature Plutonium Hitachi Bison                            
                                                                
6 Alternative names for Man Friday if Robinson Crusoe had found
on a different day                                              
                                                               
Man Monday                      Man Saturday                    
Man Thursday                    Man Sunday                      
Man Wednesday                   Man Tuesday                     
                                                                
10 Things that Vincent Van Gogh couldn't do                     
                                                               
Count to two using his ears                                     
Make full use of a Sony Walkman                                 
Keep more that one paintbrush behind his ears                   
Wear a pair of sunglasses and keep them straight                
Wear a pair of matching stud earrings                           
Imperonate someone with two ears                                
Earn the nickname 'Dumbo'                                       
Put his habd on his heart and say that he had never once        
 mutilated his head                                             
Grin from ear to ear                                            
Tell if something was in stereo                                 
                                                                
6 Greek philosophers who were also rappers                      
                                                               
L.L. Cool Socrates              Ice T. Plato                    
M.C. Aristotle                  The Ranking Mr. Pythagoras      
Run Pericles              Grandmaster Diogenes and his Furious 5
                                                                
10 Things to run up behind you Grandad and shout                
                                                               
BOOOO!                                                          
Die, pig-dog Englischer soldier                                 
Give us yer cash, old man!                                      
Grandad! Quick! Your buttocks are on fire!                      
Rhinoceros! Rhinoceros!                                         
Stuka attack! Down, boys! Down!                                 
Grandad! It's the hospital on the phone, they want your          
pacemaker back                                                 
Grandad! You catheter's leaking!                                
They've found out! Run for it!                                  
Granny's dead!                                                  
                                                                
10 Things it would be stupid to say to some one who want's to  
buy your house                                                  
                                                               
Excuse the mess: the parapsychologists have only just left.     
How we laughed when we heard that Denis Nilsen was the previous 
 owner.                                                         
I hear the morgate rate's going up by another 12% soon.         
I'll take a tenner for it!                                      
Rats? No, it's too damp for rats!                               
After the fifth break-in we decided enough was enough.          
That? Oh, we think that is a blood stain.                       
The Hell's Angels next door are really very freindly.           
Piss off.                                                       
Try not to lean against that wall if you can help it!           
                                                                
10 Things to buy for a deaf relative                            
                                                            
A copy of 'What Hi-Fi' magazine.                               
A large ornamental ear trumpet.                                
A talking parrot.                                              
The new Sting album.                                           
A cordless phone.                                              
A chimming door bell.                                          
A tape of Frederick Forsyth reading 'The Day Of The Jackal'     
A guide dog.                                                    
A radio alarm clock                                             
A ballon to fix to their bottom so they can tell if they fart!  
                                                                
The 10 most common objects removed from bodily orifices on     
Friday Nights in the casualty ward.                             
                                                                
Marrows smeared with taramasalata.                              
Torches with rubber handles.                                    
Souvenir models of the Eiffel Tower.                            
Cans of shaving foam (Half empty).                              
Umbrellas (Half opened).                                        
Policemen's truncheons.                                         
Large Toblerones.                                               
Rolled up copies of TV Quick (That's the way, uh huh, uh huh..).
Gerbils.                                                        
Hands (Still attached to their rather embarressed owners).      
                                                                
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