01 января 1995

     20 THINGS TO DO IF YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM IS LOSING AWAY      
              Another pile of shit by CLARE BEAR                
                                                               
1) Leave.                                                       
                                                               
2) Shout on your team to greater heights. It is a well known   
fact that a positive crowd is like a twelfth man, raising the  
spirits of players who lack the ability to raise it themselves. 
                                                               
3) Invade the pitch in an attempt to get the game called off,  
giving you a second chance later in the season. This may cause 
your team to be fined but who cares. It's the chairmans money.  
                                                               
4) Attack the opposing fans. Use bricks, cans and torn-up seats
to inflict damage on the bastards. It will make you feel       
better.                                                         
                                                               
5) Attack the police. This is fun at anytime so use a football 
game as a good excuse for some training and tactics.            
                                                               
6) Throw a brick at the other teams goalie. They will have to  
bring on a shit substitute. See point 2 for drawback.           
                                                               
7) Start doing the conga. This is a popular Millwall tactic    
which really confuses the other teams players and they go on to
conceed a goal. Trust me, it's worked seven times so far.       
                                                               
8) Play a game of travel Scrabble.                              
                                                               
9) Tear up the programme and throw it at the linesman. Watch   
him flinch and then laugh as he realises it is only paper.      
                                                               
10) Play Eye Spy. Don't chose the letter F as it is bound to be
Floodlights. Or Football.                                       
                                                               
11) Demand your money back.                                     
                                                               
12) Jump onto the pitch and latch onto a flighted pass to head 
the ball firmly into the top right hand corner of the net.     
Usually only works in dreams.                                   
                                                               
13) Chuck a brick at the substitute goalie. If your club is in 
relegation trouble, don't do this as you may get points        
deduted.                                                        
                                                               
14) Shout out racist abuse at a white player from the opposing 
team. When arrested, point out that you are white yourself so  
what the hell are you arresting me for?                         
                                                               
15) Start singing all your clubs songs at the top of your voice
in a vain attempt to show the other teams fans you don't care. 
They really DON'T like that at all.                              
                                                              
16) After the game, beat up as many opposing supporters as you 
can before getting arrested and beaten up in the back of a     
police van by the local coppers. Yes, it does happen folks.      
                                                              
17) Remove your soiled Tampon and throw it into a crowd of     
opposing supporters. Watch the look on the blokes face when his
6 year old son picks it up to show him.                         
                                                               
18) Piss into an empty crisp packet, throw said item at any of 
the above and shout "PISS BOMB". Watch them run.                                                                               19) Or you could use a shit log. Better still, some curry      
squirt.                                                         
                                                               
20) Pretend you support Manchester United like every other cunt
does. You don't even have to live near Manchester (like every  
other cunt who says they support Man Utd don't).