01 января 1995

               20 THINGS TO STICK UP YOUR FANNY                
           Essay and Discussion paper by Clare Bear            
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Fountain PDS can accept no responsibilty for injury or death    
caused due to following any of these suggestions.               
                                                                
1. An erect male penis. Boring.                                
                                                                
2. A semi erect male penis that may be revived to full working  
order by tickling the ball bag with a pidgeons feather.         
                                                             
3. A piece of comedy shaped fruit                               
                                                                
4. As above but a piece of comedy shaped vegetable.             
                                                                
5. Fingers. If you use more than four from the same hand this is
known as 'fisting' and should only be attempted if you are     
really pissed out of your head or just feeling horny.           
                                                             
6. Candles. Try not to use the ones you stole from the church as
these have been blessed and you will therefore go to hell      
when you die.                                                   
                                                             
7. The handle of the comb you use to get rid of cat fleas. It   
has a smashing bulbous end that will bring you great joy.       
                                                             
8. A Multiface. Try to avoid the +3 version as it uses a        
different NMI channel.                                          
                                                             
9. A cigarette. For added amusement try enhaling.               
                                                               
10.  A Bic biro. For the younger girl.                          
                                                               
11.  A Hand Grenade.                                            
                                                                
12.  Mars bar or Snickers. Your partner will enjoy watching that
one plus he gets a quick snack afterwards.                      
                                                           
13.  Small droplet of Listermint mouthwash.  Whoooossshhhhh!    
                                                                
14.  A digital watch, so your boyfriend doesn't miss the last   
bus home.                                                       
                                                           
15.  A plastic salad tossing utensil, for your very own personal    
cervical smear test.                                            
                                                           
16.  Paccamac and plastic scarf, for when caught short in the       
rain. Useful at third division football grounds.                
                                                           
17.  Small fluffy womble. Pull it out slowly if using Orinoco,      
it's the nose that does it.                                     
                                                           
18.  Midi CD system to help you drift off to sleep. When you        
turn over it should switch itself off.                          
                                                           
19.  Clive Sinclair. He has one son so he has done it at least      
once. Let him have another go.                                  
                                                           
20.  A small torch, it's dark in there.                         
                                                                
 On no account let anything Scottish anywhere near your fanny.