Shit n' Suxx - review of games.

(C) KRUGER + HIS SUPER & ALTER EGOS       
__________________________________________
                                          
                                          
POLI DIAZ BOXEO          
                                          
                                          
   When conducting a comparative analysis
of this individual software
duct expert commission  of our morgue
ran into some problems. K
for example, an attempt to calculate the ratio "price/
quality"led to total overload
calculator (you can’t divide by zero), so
what to evaluate this very rulezpri-
went by eye. So, if there are any troubles (well,
for example, you arean ardent fan of this crap), then
I`m Sorry and No problems...                
                                          
   To analyze how this has become common today
Ok, let's start with the splash screen. Immediately after
its appearance on the screen  not detected
which is an anomaly in the writing ofEnglish-
skilful words. But this is not surprising - it’s
the fact is that these words are not English at all,
aSpanish. The mu-
a guy in boxing gloves hanging out in
in the middle of the screen - such a cocktail of heroic
ma, determination and lack of reason I have not yet
I saw it! Fortunately, his presence is limited
takes  only a few seconds
loads the main block of the game. (Very sympathize-
for cassette users...)                
                                          
   The long-awaited disappearance of the heroic
The imbecile is compensated by the appearance of mainly
th menu composed of incomprehensible Spanish
non-language phrases. While I was trying to make out-
with different kinds ofTeklads and Jugadors
amivague thoughts arose in my mind
images of a stormy forty-eight kilobyte
youth - all theseJUNGLE WARIOR,ATLANTI-
DA,NONAME...  Yeah, right now!Broke off, in short.
There are neither dragonsto shoot, normon-
strov from radiation, no Indians
hand-held, intended for hunting.         
                                          
   After starting the game it immediately becomes clear
but - the authors made a lot of effort to
ruin(!)your product pseudo-ЗDgra-
fika. Judging by the "photos" in the dossier, boxers
         are divided into two camps - former
  pupils of a boarding school for the weak
  boumnyx  and  representatives of the National
 nal Association of Gopniks and
 Degenerates.Which is better - choose-
  those themselves. Be that as it may, if
  you try to enter a name, then
  you don’t have more than five letters
 mut. Apparently, pronunciation and spelling
 GOPNIK! minus such long names as
 Vladik  or Andrey  is given by our
boxing geniuses with verygreat difficulty.
As soon as you come up with some non-
complex name, select control and complete
those other operationsvitally important for
launch gamez, three-
dimensional ring  with two sprites in the middle
no. The very first movement of the joystick will display
not only weak from birth mind main
heroes, but also the previously transferred children's
cerebral palsy - this is the only way
explain the clumsiness of virtual movements
masters gloves...                      
                                          
   Well,discuss graphics... discuss the law-
chili. Now let's understand the deeper meaning
gamesa from the point of view of the astral plane and
Nietzschean philosophy.                    
                                          
   The plot of the game was not invented by the authors
otherwise than aftervisiting the highest limits
being - this can only be invented deeply
and stared at it. Main goal
games - by controlling "your"  sprite to apply
hit the "enemy sprite as many times as possible
to whom" and, if possible, arrange for him to
brain shake. However, due to the lack of
the impact of the shaking object, the final goal
unattainable. Result - the game is looped.   
                                          
   So, first of all you must mutilate
your teammate. If you this
 if you don’t do it, then the coach won’t
  will allow you to be beaten in
  third-party. Why can’t you use
  maiming a coach is not appropriate
  You find yourself on
  empty ring - to the far
 
  damn buddy, your task is
 cha - catch it and mark
VICTIMS OF Cerebral Palsy cast so that he no longer
               got up.   This is called
atrocity in a beautiful foreign word
"sparring"  (actually this is called
to another, but I won’t go into semantics -
tactics and conditions for using Russian mat).
                                          
 If you complete your task successfully
really,then you will spend your next fight in bo-
morefavorableenvironment- sometimes by
will be running naked (well, almost) women (I
meant "almost bare",and not "almost ba-
"!), the referee will hang out in the ring
(a very nimble comrade, I must say. I told him
somehow I wanted to punch you in the face...), under the ring
the so-called judges will sit (favorite
the occupation of thesepeople is to hit the
suspendedplate on a string), on three-
fans will be cheering (don't be afraid,
it's not contagious!). Lepota, in short. And so four-
re times. And there's a teammate from
the hospital will be released...                        
                                          
                                          
 MICROPROSE SOCCER       
                                          
                                          
   The expert commission of our morgue in collaboration
put me and my ALTER & SUPER EGOS about
conducted an autopsy of the above-mentioned object, which
and revealed the mainfeaturesof his kind and
softcharacter. Read the autopsy report
below.                                     
                                          
 As it turned out during dozens of difficult
experiments, often life-threatening
our pathologists, this game is
is a simulation of football mat-
cha. The main menu opened by our expert
there, immediately after downloading the program, it contains
lives many useful functionswhich (oh,
miracle!) you can choose. The user has
unique opportunity to choose control,
number of players, opponent's country and non-
what a mysterious parameter BANANA POWER...
Next I will try to tell wa-a-a...    
                                          
 ...Sorry, I interfered with the writing of the report
one of my assistants -SUPER EGO.How are you
could read above, MAIN MENU action
contains a large number of options
(just some kind of supermarket!). However, this is
not the main thing. The main feature of the gamez is co-
         The point is that sprites during
  gamesmove with abnormal
  for the 80s speed. In contrast
 
  position  MATCH DAY, this program 
  will not give you time to meditate
  and visiting the astral plane (outhouse, ba-
  would, China) between pressing the button
 "FIRE"  and the moment when the leg
GAMERS football player (virtual, of coz)
 touches the ball (again, virtual
This is, so to speak, the main advantage
programs. Okay, first things first.          
                                          
   After such an important moment as on-
pressure on FIRE when selecting the option START
GAME, is spread out before our eyes
a magnificent picture ofa football field.Well,
what can we say about this painting itself?
not... The field is like a field -beautiful,green,
mottled. Football players. Located on top
la (not miners after all). The main thing is
purpose - long to kick the balland
opportunity to push him into enemy wars
company.Ball. Round, black and white, checkered.
This is something that needs special mention. The point is
the fact that this object really likes to violate
such postulates of modern physics as
con of gravity and the law of inertia. Judging by
visual observations, its trajectory along
summer is calculated byRND, and in all
while moving, the speed remains constant
noah (perpetuum mobile!!!).                
                                          
   It should be noted that the authors of the game gave us a unique
great opportunity to kick with your feet
(more precisely, with the legs of your sprite) on the legs
enemy, which, honestly, is very pleasant -
but.                                       
                                          
                                          
BLACKTIGER           
                                          
                                          
   The plot of Gameza is outrageously simple -
controlling a certain Scandinavian sociopath,you
must choose how possible more
  demonic power.
  man's weapon composition-
  some kind of spiky bark
  ball (hedgehog or what?), pri-
  screwed to the chain. I can't
  shaking on the infernal-as-
  the central essence of the demo
  new, this crap is pretty
 effectively forces them
ANCIENT CHIKATILO collapse flippers (play
 into the box,kick back
and give dubak). In addition, this Viking
has a bad habit of constantly throwing himself
knives, which he, along the way, has in
unlimited quantity.                
                                          
   Giving up,infernal dudesremain
give Old Norse murderer their
poor inheritance. Also some de-
   gentle means are detected when
  breaking all kinds of boxes,
  chests and pots.About application
  banknotes will be stated below. So that
  deprive the player of the need to draw
  create a map, move your finger along the
 wound or any other perversion
MUTANT in search of a way out of the maze,
        game toys hung on the walls
signs of the underworld (I wonder if Satan
something about thisknows?), following which
you will definitely geta sip of fresh-
th air.                               
                                          
   Tapericha aboutthe use of headstocks(in the sense,
money, not gerontophilic mistresses). In some
in some, often very remote, corners this is
       goSwedish-Norwegianhellhanging out
 bearded grandfathers are the local brother-
 va. They sell different features
 mi necessary for more comfortable
 the bending of demons - "clubs"
 reactive for strategic purposes
DEDOK training" and "tactical armor with
       diamond spraying". In addition, in
At their stalls you can buy  some
liquid to increase strength (hangover that
is it?) and keys for opening chests with ba-
bkami.However, despitesuch a cool ass-
assortment, the work schedule of grandfathers is downright
disgusting - it takes 200 se-
kund, nafter which the boys dump it somewhere
and never come back.                 
                                          
   At the end of each level fi-
nal battle - the  Viking  is attacked by two
        or three concrete slabs with terribly un-
  funny faces that try
  fall on the dude with all your ka-
  with a different body. The only way
 countering their destructive
 CREEPY! behavior is to bring you
        necks of the club in close contact with them
melancholic faces until complete devastation
nodding andscattering the latter into pieces.  
                                          
   The only  drawback of the game is
just anomalous similarity of the same level
to another.Having passed a certain amount
labyrinths and soaking an indefinite number of
quality of demons, you will find some
meager congratulations (and this is after all
experience!) and stupid gamover.            
                                          
                                          
 SPHEROID             
                                          
   And again weopen, dismember and tri-
breadingproduct leading its origin
from the valleys of southern Europe. Unlike
first object of our post-mortem experiment
riments, this representative has no
such pronounced shortcomings. So,
the results of all  studies are presented
below.                                     
                                          
   The main menu simply amazed the experts
with theirrichness of choice and reminded them
grocery store windows from the time of
twisted socialism and underdeveloped commu-
nizma. You can select controls, sound (op/
off) and start the game.                        
                                          
   The item you need to control is
is some strange creature
periodpost-technogenic society. In short,
somemechanical crap. The main disadvantage is
the statistic of this thing is that it is simply pa-
tological reluctance to obey you. From
all external factors influencing behavior
nspheroid (let's call this thing that way) you -
you are the last one to which he reacts
ruts.                                     
                                          
   The environment in which the object is placed
         The subject of discussion is differentwild
  hostility and anomalous amount
  honoring enemies. Among them the most
  disgusting is fly agaric, area
  giving not only strange for
  its size due to gravity, but also
 thoseunpleasantproperties, which
Fly Agaric has hydrocyanicacidor,
         for example, arsenic.                 
                                          
The final goal,as in most other
many similar games, foggy and withoutcheat mode
unreachable. However, good Italian co-
ders (and gamez is Italian) shoved
            in ecological system
  of a distant planet, on the surface
   which the spheroid is hanging around, Nth
   number of prizes that allow
   go through the game (if at all
possibly) with less troubles.
 SPHEROSAUR By the way, and one more important one
            fact - ifyou will manage for-
stick the spheroid into a puddle (they occasionally fall
are given on the way), then know that it will go mechanically
for the benefit of the low - it will raise his energy.
This observation allowed our pathologists
goanatomists make two hypotheses:          
                                          
 a) The spheroid originates from   
ducks, geese or pelicans.                 
                                          
 b) Yesterday he was drinking with friends and now    
suffers from dryness.                        
                                          
   And one more thing. Having passed a certain amount
screens, I wanted to do something
SORT...for example, hara-kiri or, there, auto-
dafé.                                     
                                          
                                          
 TWILIGHT:LAND OF SHADOWS    
                                          
                                          
   As a true patriot of the Russian spectrum,
mism, I can say with full responsibility -
it seems that all the best was for Speckywrite-
sano in our country. And Western products
is an example of completesuxx`aand
must die!  And here's another proof
this thesis. The Slovaks are here, you see, once...
frayed - we wrote an adventure!  How
they dare, these arrogant posers?! Everything is foreign
foreigners only Slava Mednonogov incomparable
They know how to redraw a lot!             
   Well, look at this creation, presented
what was brought to us by the group  FATALITY - this
an agent of world imperialism who sold out
CIA, Mossad and the Pope! Look
to this graphic! I can't express in words
all the contempt that I have for such
high-quality hand drawing pictures.
Try it yourself, and you will agree with me. 
                                          



                                          
            MUST DIE GFXWORK!            
                                          
   Where are these weak-minded Slovaks from ours?
masters, I download so skillfully and efficiently
shchihgfx from the pussy. Everything is drawn in detail,
carefully... aren't they cretins? After all, the car
Teens in adventure games should be ascetic
we are andincomprehensible. This is the first commandment!    
   But what's worst is the playing field in
"TWILIGHT" has absolutely no glitches. Ti-
typical poseur vanity. Logic in this,
if I may say so, gameze - again, ni-
what illogical moments! After all, this is
stupid. The game must be unbeatable, otherwise
This is not a game, it's lameness! And again this go-
Father's interface with arrow. Not complying
yut, bastards, classical laws of adventurous
buildings - entering commands letter by letter. In which
do they live in92? We've had enough of all kinds
teens in adventure games should be ascetic
we are andincomprehensible. This is the first commandment!But what's worst is the playing field in
"TWILIGHT" has absolutely no glitches. Ti-
typical poseur vanity. Logic in this,
if I may say so, gameze - again, ni-
what illogical moments! After all, this is
stupid. The game must be unbeatable, otherwise
This is not a game, it's lameness! And again this go-
Father's interface with arrow. Not complying
yut, bastards, classical laws of adventurous
buildings - entering commands letter by letter. In which
do they live in92? We've had enough of all kinds
experiments! We want true spectrum
mobckux games, so that with glitches and not convenient -
lo, and notidioticwritten copies.      
                                          
                          TRUE LAMERKILLER
                                          
See you next time in our beautiful        
                               MORTUARY...