Real fun - army jokes with a beard and pigtails No. 1.

                                          
 JOKES                    
                                          
 ARMY.                   
                                          
                                          
 PART I                     
                                          
                                          
__________________________________________
                                          
 Sergeant:                                 
 - Well, how's the new uniform, guy?             
Rookie:                               
 - The uniform is okay, but the trousers are a little tight 
under the arms...                            
__________________________________________
                                          
 Voroshilov shooter in front of the monument   
Pushkin:                                  
 - Why did they erect a monument to him? I got it
because Dantes!                              
__________________________________________
                                          
 A soldier on duty at a nuclear power plantinstallation   
dozed off and leaned on the remote control. At the entrance 
He jumped up and reported to the duty officer:           
 - Comrade Lieutenant! During my duty
there were no incidents!                        
 - It wasn’t, you say?! Where is Belgium, yours?  
mother?! Two outfits out of order!            
__________________________________________
                                          
 Before the general's arrival at the nuclear poly- 
The soldier was ordered to paint the rocket.   
The rocket is high, you have to break the ladder, well...
Dovoy threw a bucket of paint over his nose,  
holder, paint the glass down and paint the rocket 
was strong.                                   
 The general arrived and saw the bucket:            
 - What the fuck is that?           
Private:                                  
 - Synchrophasatron.                        
 - I see that the synchrophasetron. Why not -
painted, I ask?                       
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Comrade Colonel, the car won’t start! 
 - Bullshit, bullshit, let's go, then you'll start it.    
__________________________________________
                                          
 Roll call in the barracks:- Davydov.                               
 - I!                                     
 - Petrofanov.                            
 - I!                                     
 - Chests.                              
 - I!                                     
 - Who's hanging around there?                      
 - The earth is spinning!                        
 - Who said: “The earth turns”?          
 - Copernicus.                              
 - Private Copernicus, two squads out of turn
for talking in the ranks.                     
__________________________________________
                                          
 In tactics classes:                  
 - And now, comrade soldiers, raise your voices -
catch and look up. Directly above us -  
Polar Star.                          
 - Comrade Sergeant, the hats are falling.          
 - Got it... Two steps back, one step march.    
__________________________________________
                                          
 At headquarters, two generals are training in the country 
tags.One says:                       
 - I offer the number of enemy tanks 
take for X.                             
 - No, X is not enough. We also need to add Y.      
__________________________________________
Soldiers prepare to jump from an airplane.   
One asks:                          
 -What to do if the parachute doesn’t open- 
Xia?                                       
 - Bring it back and get a new one.    
                                          
__________________________________________
                                          
 Classes are underway at the artillery school.   
The officer explains:                         
 - The projectile flies in a steep arc.           
One cadet raised his hand and asked:    
 - And if you put the gun on its side, then the shell 
can fly around the corner.                  
 - Of course. But our soldier is around the corner    
won't shoot.                       
__________________________________________
                                          
 -What happened to your uncle's submarine? 
 - Did you see that the destroyer arrived at the port yesterday?  
 - Well, I saw it.                              
 - But my uncle didn’t see him.          
__________________________________________
                                          
 From the diary of a partisan:                   
                                          
 "Monday. We drove the Germans out of the forest.  
  Tuesday. The Germans drove us out of the forest.      
Wednesday. The forester came and drove out the Germans and 
  us."                                   
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Call the vet. - ordered the colonel  
to the duty officer.                                
 - What happened?                       
 - The horse kicked one of the ensigns 
mo in the head.                              
 - Well, then you need a doctor, not a veterinarian. 
 - No, everything is fine with the ensign, but  
The horse injured his leg.                       
__________________________________________
                                          
 - How long did it take you to learn-  
want to fly?                            
 - Seven.                                  
 - What, months?                          
 - Airplanes.                             
__________________________________________
                                          
 A soldier approaches the foreman:              
 - And we have blue ones in our company.           
 - Where did you get it?                        
 - They stole my makeup bag again.        
__________________________________________
Sergeant, form a platoon.                   
 - Why the hell?                               
 - Then don't.                         
__________________________________________
                                          
 The ensign walks through the military camp.   
I will meet him with a soldier who salutes   
putting his hand to his chin. Ensign:     
 - How do you salute?                  
 - So I am acting according to the new charter. You
haven't you heard?                            
 - I know everything myself. I just need to be sharper, sharper -
what!                                       
__________________________________________
                                          
 In front of a platoon of recruits stands a warrant officer.  
box and says:                            
 - If you are so stupid that you can't   
remember the commander's order, then buy yourself 
notepad and write it down there, how to do it
I bark.                                    
__________________________________________
                                          
 The equipment inspection commission came to  
tank division. A drunk man comes out of the box  
The ensign, seeing the general, reports:    
 - Comrade General, commander of a tank cor-
Pussa, warrant officer Petrov!                    
 General:- As long as I’ve been serving, I’ve never seen the command -
ra corps with the rank of ensign. How is this   
happened?                                
 - It’s all very simple. The engine was cut away, the chassis  
drank away, drank away the gun... One body and    
stayed.                                  
__________________________________________
                                          
 The head of the district medical service appeared with information
section in the divisional district. Having entered one 
well, from the chambers, he saw three soldiers standing
standing at attention.                       
 - What are you sick with? - asks the first.     
 - Hemorrhoids, Comrade General.             
 - What is the treatment?                             
 - Wire brush and paraffin.        
 - What are you doing? - asks the second one.        
 - Hemorrhoids.                             
 - What is the treatment?                             
 - Wire brush and paraffin.        
 “And you?” asks the third.         
 - Laryngitis.                            
 - What is the treatment?                             
 - Wire brush and paraffin, comrade 
general                                  
 - Well, do you have any requests?        
A patient with laryngitis:                       
 - Comrade General, can I grease the city? 
lo brushed in front of these two.             
__________________________________________
                                          
 On Monday the gloomy foreman built   
platoon.                                    
 - Well, who was fired last night?
got drunk?                             
 Everyone is silent.                              
 - Who, I ask you?                   
 One couldn't stand it:                        
 - I, Comrade Sergeant Major...                  
 - You come with me to get drunk, the rest -   
new - to the right!                           
__________________________________________
                                          
 The duty officer is waiting for the general, already three 
This time he approaches the sentry:              
 - Well, Islambekov, the general didn’t pass? 
 - No way, Comrade Major!               
 “Okay, let’s wait,” the major leaves.     
Suddenly the door opens and the general comes in.
Sentry:                                  
 -Who's coming?                              
 - General!                               
 - Oh, your mother! Run quickly! Toba-
risch major asked you for the third time!  
__________________________________________
                                          
 Angry general inspecting a tank   
part.- What is this? - he shouts at the command   
parts. - War machines?! These are garbage dumps  
something, not combat vehicles! What is this?! A  
will there be an alarm? And the war?! Who will be for you?
children to defend their homeland?! Me, what?! Yes she is   
I don't fucking need it!!!                    
__________________________________________
                                          
 Paratroopers jump with a parachute from self-  
summer.                                     
 - Comrade Lieutenant! Petrov jumped, forgetting
put on a parachute!                           
 - How, again?                             
__________________________________________
                                          
 Training company of a tank regiment. Sergeant 
Mandates:                                  
 - Ivanov, lift it under the tank!              
He climbed in and tried to lift it up.                   
 - I can’t, Comrade Sergeant.               
 - Sidorov, help!                       
The two of them lift it, but nothing works.    
 - We can’t, Comrade Sergeant.              
 - Squad, under the tank!                    
They climbed in and suffered.                         
 - We can’t, Comrade Sergeant.              
 - What do you want, forty tons!            
__________________________________________
The sergeant explains to the soldiers the essence of earthly  
attraction:                               
 - If, for example, a stone is thrown up, 
but he falls to the ground - that means on him    
Earth's gravity operates.              
 Newbie asks:                      
 - What if he falls on the water?              
 - And this is no longer our business, this is in the navy   
are engaged.                               
__________________________________________
                                          
 Yeltsin and Clinton argued about who has the army
lazier.We came to America.Clinton team- 
blows:                                     
 - Who is the laziest, two steps forward!     
 The entire army took two steps forward. Arrival- 
heading to Russia:                            
 - Whoever is the laziest will fail.      
 Everyone is standing, two privates are talking:  
 - Vasya, let’s go or what?                     
 - Why, you’re crazy, to go so far.
__________________________________________
                                          
 A general is driving along the highway, on the side of the road there is a GAZ-66.
standing next to a soldier. The general stops - 
Xia. The private comes up and says:            
 - Comrade General, help the car from the kyu- 
pull out the vet.                            
 - How dare you?! I'mGeneral!       
 - Well, please, Comrade General...       
 The general and his driver strained
They pushed the car out. The general, gasping for breath:      
 - Ugh, what a heavy car you have!      
 - What did you want, Comrade General, 
where nineteen dembleys are sitting in the back!  
__________________________________________
                                          
 Roll call:                              
 - Ivanov!                                
 - I!                                     
 - Petrov!                                
 - I!                                     
 - Through the fence!             
 - I!                                     
 - Never mind my last name!                  
 - I!                                     
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Private, why aren’t your boots polished?!    
 - And this does not concern you, Comrade Sergeant! 
 - What-o-o? - blow to the face, - Why
Are your boots not polished?                       
 - There is no shoe polish.                          
 - It doesn’t concern me.                
 - I said so right away.                  
__________________________________________
Sergeant major in front of the line of recruits:       
 - You will work for me, work and   
work again.                         
 - And we want to “Study, study and again”  
study"!                                 
 - Who said that?                        
 - Lenin.                                 
 - And you, Comrade Lenin, I will fuck, fuck -
xatb and fuck again!                   
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Comrade Private, did you shave today?    
 - That's right!                             
 - Next time, stay closer to the razor! 
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Lieutenant, you are accused of be- 
pressed with your company from the line of fire. You admit it
yourself guilty?                            
 - No way. Only half of me ran  
companies. I sent the second half to catch the first 
I scream, and I ran for the second one so that she wouldn’t 
ran away with the first one.                   
__________________________________________
                                          
 The recruit tells his fellow countryman:         
 - Can you imagine, the foreman gave me three on- 
row out of turn!                         
 - And forWhat?                              
 - Two of them are for this question.      
__________________________________________
                                          
 The commander lined up the recruits in the yard   
barracks and asks:                     
 - Is there anyone among you who can...  
rip?                                     
 - I! - one responds.                 
 -Did you have to cook in big cauldrons?
lah?                                      
 - That’s right, I had to.                 
 - What exactly? Soup, porridge?..              
 - Asphalt!                               
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Stop, whoever is coming! - asks the sentry  
twilight.                                 
 - Cook with pies!                     
 - Pies to me, the rest are in place!     
__________________________________________
                                          
 The sergeant major walks around the line of recruits and
warns:                               
 - You'll have a hard time, guys. My last name is
Volkov, but I myself am even angrier by nature. So
I advise you not to make me lose patience. 
Now, let's get acquainted. How is your fa- 
milia, private?A small, short-haired soldier with a dark complexion 
is puppyishly silent.                             
 - Well, be brave! I'm Volkov, and you? Don't force-
please repeat the question.                 
 - Private Volkogonov, comrade sergeant major.   
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Comrade Sergeant Major, allow me to report!   
 - Report!                          
 - Your order has been carried out!             
 - So I didn’t order anything.         
 - And I didn’t do anything.                 
__________________________________________
                                          
 A police squad is driving down the street. Sergeant  
says to the newbie:                          
 - Hey, kid, check, he’s working on the roof... 
jackdaw?                                    
 He leans out of the window and shouts:       
 - It works... It doesn’t work... It works... 
Doesn't work...                            
__________________________________________
                                          
 The colonel undergoes brain surgery. Click here  
A messenger from headquarters runs into the operating room.
 - Comrade Colonel, you have been awarded the rank 
Major General!                           
 The colonel jumps up, grabs his cap and   
run toexit. The surgeon shouts:             
 - And brains, Comrade General!               
 - Why the hell do I need them now?         
__________________________________________
                                          
 The ensign came fishing, opened a jar 
with worms:                                
 - We urgently need one volunteer! Two steps 
forward!                                   
__________________________________________
                                          
 Two Ukrainian pilots land a plane. Three se- 
kunds before touching, two, one... Suddenly look-  
They are talking, and they have already passed the landing strip. 
they go again - the result is the same. We decided     
sit down early to be right on  
strip. Landed safely. One of you - 
looks out from the cockpit:                      
 - The runway is so short...          
Second:                                   
 - That yaka is wide!                         
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Why were you commissioned?               
 - Disease.                               
 - What a disease.                         
 - I don’t know, but the whole company was sick of me.   
__________________________________________
                                          
 Classes are underway on the regulations of guard duty.
 - Private Ivanov! You are standing at your post and for-
you notice that a person is creeping up to you. Your 
actions?                                 
 - I’ll take our battalion commander home.           
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Does the company commander know that the trench has collapsed? 
 - We, Comrade Major, will tell him right away how  
Let's dig it up.                                 
__________________________________________
                                          
 A construction battalion soldier takes a pack of Belomor and
reads syllable by syllable:                         
 - The Ministry of Health warns... - he lit a cigarette,  
He took a drag and looked dreamily into the distance. -   
Oh, you bastards, they don’t write that on shovels. 
__________________________________________
                                          
 The regiment duty officer reports to the commander: 
 - Comrade Colonel, in my opinion, this is you to   
phone.                                 
 - In your opinion, or exactly?                   
 - I find it difficult to answer, but on the phone I asked 
Silly: “Is that you, old horseradish?”              
__________________________________________
                                          
 Two generals are sitting on a garden bench  
retired, about eighty years old.              
 - Do you remember, Vasya, when we were still privates?   
served, they poured some kind of powder into our soup,
so as not to be attracted to women?                   
 - I remember, I remember...                         
 - That’s when he started to act!     
__________________________________________
                                          
 At morning roll call:                  
 - Ivanov!                                
 - Me!                                     
 - Petrov!                                
 - I!                                     
 - Sidorov! Sidorov!! Where is Sidorov?!       
 - Yes, here I am!                            
 - Of course: where are you from the submarine?   
Are you worried?                                   
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Comrade cadet, why are you swearing?   
Like a little child, honestly!             
 - I don’t swear: that’s my voice! 
__________________________________________
                                          
 Whites caught fivepartisans. Tortured, mo-
they starved, beat... One couldn't stand it,
he was injecting himself and betrayed the others. He was taken to     
yard, they gave me a piece of bread, a pot of porridge... Past
They lead four of his comrades to be shot.  
One spits in his direction:                 
 - Traitor! Choke! I hate it!         
He turns:                       
 - Petro, are you offended?                  
__________________________________________
                                          
 The general is carrying a young woman in his personal car   
spouse to the theater. After looking at the dressed-up
wife, he turns into the forest and stops 
car.                                   
 - Come to your senses, what are you doing? - wave-  
wife - We're going to the theater!          
 “The theater has stood and will stand,” says  
husband - and here it’s a matter of chance.               
__________________________________________
                                          
 Roll call:                              
 - Ivanov!                                
 - I!                                     
 - Petrov!                                
 - I!                                     
 - Sharov!                                 
 - Yes!                                    
 - What is “yes”?!                             
 - No! - What a "no"!                             
 - Hurray!                               
__________________________________________
                                          
 One pilot to another:                      
 - Tell the paratroopers to stop jumping - 
Guess we haven't taken off yet.                
__________________________________________
                                          
 Two homosexuals are sitting in a trench. One   
says:                                  
 - The Whites are coming!                            
Other:                                   
 - Are there any beautiful ones?                         
 - No.                                   
 - Then - stop!                           
__________________________________________
                                          
 Tankers are repairing their combat vehicle. 
Suddenly a fairy appears.                     
 - What are you doing here?                
 - We're fucking with a tank!                       
 - Do you want it for real?                
 - Certainly.                               
 The fairy waved her wand and dropped away from the tank. 
the tower was gone.                               
__________________________________________                                          
 The platoon commander sets the task:           
 - Now we take crowbars and dig a hole two in  
two.                                      
 - Comrade Lieutenant! Maybe a shovel would be better? 
mi? - the foreman will ask.                 
 - I don’t need anything better, I need you to- 
suffered.                                 
__________________________________________
                                          
 Major commands:                         
 - Comrade warrant officer, stop the train!    
 Ensign:                               
 - Train, stop, one, two!                    
__________________________________________
                                          
 The gravedigger comes home:                
 - Well, I have no strength!                       
 Wife:                                    
 - What’s wrong with you, Vanya?                      
 - Cadets, damn them, ensign  
buried!                                 
 - So what?                              
 - They buried it four times for an encore!       
__________________________________________
                                          
 The regiment stopped for a rest in the village. 
morning comes to the commanderold lady:       
 - Oh, they steal chickens, they steal...              
 The commander thought:                      
 - Who could it be? Officers? No, not that
education. Soldiers? No, they'll be afraid. Will they?
what about warrant officers? That's right, warrant officers!         
 Old lady:                                
 - The Lord is with you, dear! Traces   
human!                                
__________________________________________
                                          
 A donkey and an ensign meet.          
Donkey:                                    
 -Who are you?                          
 Ensign (looking around, in a half-whisper):     
 - I'm an officer.                              
 Donkey (looking around, in a half whisper):          
 - And I'm a horse.                            
__________________________________________
                                          
 Exam at the school of warrant officers:             
 - Question for five: what is my name?      
 Silence.                                
 - Question number four: what are we renting?      
 Silence.                                
 - Question three: what color is the textbook? 
 A muffled voice from the back rows:       
 - Come on, you bastard!                          
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Comrade warrant officer, do crocodiles fly?  
 - What? Crocodiles?! Who gives you such bullshit? 
said?                                   
 - Comrade Major...                       
 - Comrade Major?! Hmmm... Well, actually  
They sometimes fly, but very low!.. 
__________________________________________
                                          
 The general gave the warrant officers a test for  
acumen:                        
 - What is it: a pair of black, shiny ones, two-
are they worth it?                                 
 Silence.                                
 - Oh, you! This is a pair of boots. Here's a question for you
more difficult: four black, shiny ones, by the door 
are standing.                                    
 Silence.                                
 - Oh, you! These are two pairs of boots. And here is the most
difficult question: lives in a swamp, green,   
croaks.                                  
 One warrant officer holds out his hand.               
 - Well, speak up!                           
 - Three pairs of shoes.                      
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Comrade ensign, how correct: “di-  
irizhumble" or "dirigible"?             
 - Dirigbumbel!You need to read the encyclopedia!
__________________________________________
                                          
 During firing practice, the gun commander 
reports:                              
 - Comrade Lieutenant, the shells are out!   
 - Every single one?                        
 - That's right!                             
 - Stop shooting!                   
__________________________________________
                                          
 - I see, comrade soldier, you are too smart - 
ny.                                      
 - Who, me?                                 
 - Well, not me!                            
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Comrade ensign, “unfasten” is my-
co or fish?                              
 - Idiot! This is a team!!!                  
__________________________________________
                                          
 Introductory lesson at the Department of Medicine  
Institute.Teacher:                  
 - Girls! At the end of our course you   
become female nurses. To this end-
Our entire department is making efforts.            
__________________________________________
                                          
 - What happens if a soldier is cut off one   
ear?                                      
 - He won’t hear in one ear.          
 - What if you cut off the second ear?            
 - He won’t hear at all.               
 - Wrong! Won't see because   
that his cap would fall over his eyes.          
__________________________________________
                                          
 Ensign:                               
 - I would like to take you out into an open field, put you 
face the wall and put a bullet in you    
forehead!                                      
__________________________________________
                                          
 The foreman issues the salary:    
 - Ivanov!                                
 - I!                                     
 - Get 3.80. Petrov!                   
 - I!                                     
 - Get 3.80. Sidorov!                  
 - I!                                     
 - Get 3.80. Total!                    
 Silence.                                
 - Total! What a fool, he is the most, and he  
didn't come.                                
__________________________________________
                                          
 Instructor at an engineering class
Lou asked the future officers:         
 - Imagine that a three-meter mast
with the flagpole fell. At your disposal   
sergeant and a squad of eight. Va-
any suggestions?                           
 Offers poured in, both with the help of those 
or other technical methods to install   
mast.                                    
 Instructor:                              
 - Wrong, everything is wrong. You just  
must order: "Sergeant, set up the mast 
back in place!"                                
__________________________________________
                                          
 The general wakes up with a deep hangover. 
He doesn’t remember what happened to him. An adju-
tant and strokes his jacket." He puked, - with  
the general thinks in horror. - Nothing, somehow
I'll get out." Says to the adjutant:            
 - You know, yesterday such nonsense happened.   
I came to the regiment for a check, and then because of the corner...
some drunken lieutenant came at me
The bastard has ruined my entire body and jacket.        
 - Well, what about you, Comrade General?           
 - Well, I, as expected, give him ten days,  
slapped the brat.                          
 - They didn’t give much, Comrade General.             
 -Why?                                
 - This impudent fellow also shit in your pants.  
__________________________________________
                                          
 Soviet submarine. Team prosy- 
he's drinking after a terrible, days-long drinking binge.
 - Where are we located, what are our coordination - 
are you? - asks the boatswain.                  
 The team looks down and looks confused
hands:                                   
 - God knows...                     
 - What can you see on the horizon? -  
The boatswain is interested again.                
 One of the sailors looking through the periscope:       
 - Directly ahead of the ship under the Liberian   
flag.                                   
 The boatswain commands:                        
 - Right torpedo tube, get ready! Fire! 
And you, radio operator, detect the SOS and look at me,  
May this be the last time!            
__________________________________________
                                          
 The Chukchi stands on the seashore. An American emerges.
Rican submarine. They ask:     
 - Where did the Soviet submarine sail away?        
 Chukchi:                                   
 - She went to the northeast, however!          
 The submarine submerged and headed for the north 
north-east. After some time, the surface
no soviet submarineboat. They ask   
Chukchu:                                    
 -Where did the American submarine go?      
 - To the northeast.                      
 - Don’t be smart, just point your finger!       
__________________________________________
                                          
 Sergeant Major:                                
 - A hat must be worn on the head.   
Otherwise, you can get meningitis. Meningitis -
a very terrible disease. After it, you either die
either they die or become a fool. Here we are with my brother-
Tom was sick, he died, and I was lucky.         
__________________________________________
                                          
 Sergeant:                                 
 - You are late for duty again!             
 - Comrade Sergeant, I...                   
 - Try to remain silent when talking to me -
cook!                                
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Comrade tankman, you can turn it off    
your tank?                                
 - Can.                                  
 - Then turn it off.                       
 - A-a-a-a!!!                             
__________________________________________
                                          
 The soldier turned the mug upside down and    
approaches the ensign:                    
 - Look what kind of glass it is: iron, and the top 
sealed.                                   
 - Wow, there’s no bottom here yet.            
__________________________________________
                                          
 Major:                                   
 - Comrade warrant officer, they urgently call me 
called to headquarters. Spend time with the soldiers 
literary lesson!                               
 - That's right!                             
 After two hours:                          
 - Did you have a political lesson?                  
 - That's right!                             
 - On what topic?                         
 - About space wars.                  
 - Have you received any questions?                     
 - That's right. Private Petrov asked about   
extraterrestrial civilizations.                   
 - Did they answer?                              
 - That's right.                             
 - How did they answer?                          
 - Evasive.                             
 - How exactly?                            
 - Sent you to hell...                       
__________________________________________
One day a sailor caught a goldfish.   
asks:                                   
 - Let go! I will fulfill your every wish! 
 - No need. Better fulfill your first wish   
the captain when he comes on deck.       
 The captain comes out in the morning, stretches and... 
says:                                    
 - Well, what a weather, the anchor is in my ass!         
__________________________________________
                                          
 The inspector examined the kitchen and dining room 
tauntingly says to the elder:                
 - I must say that I don’t like mu- 
hee in your dining room.                      
 The duty officer readily answers:         
 - Show me the flies that you don’t like
more than anything and I will kick them out immediately!    
__________________________________________
                                          
 The heads of intelligence services of several states 
were told to test whose agents are the most   
racks in case of failure. Especially for    
this was declassified one by one least important -
to a new resident, who were arrested. 
The interrogations were conducted in turns, with increasing   
severity.                               
 An American resident was bought.          
 The Frenchman blurted out everything slipped into the camera 
beauty.The Englishman agreed only to the title    
lord with family coat of arms and estate.       
 The Russian intelligence officer was silent. So surprised
persistence commission, after the next pre-  
millet installed equipment in the chamber for  
observations. They sat down and watched. Here is a scout 
They brought him in and closed the door. He fell on the bed, 
grabbed his head with his hands, then jumped up
and began to bang his head against the wall, wailing:  
 - Here you go girls! Here are the restaurants for you!  
I had to learn the codes! Remember your appearances!   
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Private Pilipenko, warrant officer Razdolbayev 
claims that you called him a fool. This 
really?                                   
 - The absolute truth, Comrade Major, just me    
didn't say that.                         
__________________________________________
                                          
 The old woman entered the military location   
parts.                                    
 Soldier:                                  
 - Wait, who's coming?                         
 Old lady:                                
 - Don't be afraid, son, I won't do anything to you.
__________________________________________
                                          
 They assigned a soldier to guard the armorywarehouse. The colonel comes up to him and asks 
says:                                     
 - What are you protecting here?                 
 - Machine guns, machine guns, grenades...           
 - What are you telling me? Suddenly I  
spy, want to scout?                     
 Soldier shooting a colonel:          
 - Look, what a bitch!                   
__________________________________________
                                          
 A tank and a Zaporozhets meet.         
 Tank:                                    
warehouse. The colonel approaches him and asks 
says:                                     
 - What are you protecting here?                 
 - Machine guns, machine guns, grenades...           
 - What are you telling me? Suddenly I  
spy, want to scout?                     
 Soldier shooting a colonel:          
 - Look, what a bitch!                   
__________________________________________
                                          
 A tank and a Zaporozhets meet.         
 Tank:                                    
 - “Zaporozhets”, why are you so hunchbacked? 
 - I’m not asking what’s on your    
forehead...                                    
__________________________________________
- Stop! I will shoot!                   
 - I'm standing.                                  
 - I'm shooting.                               
__________________________________________
                                          
                                          
 JOKES                    
                                          
 ARMY.                   
                                          
                                          
 PART II                    
                                          
                                          
__________________________________________
                                          
 General, going into the barracks and looking at how  
soldiers live asks:                 
 - What does it smell like here?            
 Orderly:                              
 - Comrade General, while you were away, here   
nothing stank!                          
__________________________________________
Military doctor instructs paratroopers   
before landing on an island occupied by the enemy
com:                                      
 - While overcoming the coastal sea
stripes, beware of sharks and barracudas. On the shore -
gu, be careful not to step on a poisonous snake,
of which there are many. Do not pick berries and    
fruits - you can get poisoned, just don’t drink - 
those water from local sources - it is contaminated 
wife with fever, cholera and typhoid. In addition - 
beware of predators and poisonous insects 
we... Any questions?                      
 “I have a question,” he stepped forward.  
one paratrooper. - Why the hell should we conquer 
such an island?                             
__________________________________________
                                          
 The paratroopers disappeared one after another in 
covered hatch of the aircraft. The sergeant, looking around,
the house, the empty cabin, was already getting ready to leave
jump, when suddenly a holo appeared in the hatch 
VA private. Sergeant:                      
 - Where did you come from?                      
 - You gave me a defective parachute - no    
reveals itself.                             
__________________________________________
                                          
 A recruit in drill training is always 
I lost my step. The sergeant told him with   
irony:- Everyone is out of step, except you.          
 - That's right, Comrade Sergeant. Just tell me
They do it themselves, as a commander.                 
__________________________________________
                                          
 - Sir, Private Smith due to poor memory   
I almost shot myself.                      
 - What do you mean?                  
 - He was on guard yesterday and shot at se- 
bah!                                       
 - But why?                             
 - He forgot the password.                       
__________________________________________
                                          
 “Tell me,” the doctor asks the conscript. -
Do you always stutter?                     
 - N-n-no, t-t-t-only when I say. 
__________________________________________
                                          
 The general came to inspect the military  
part. The soldiers were ordered to answer that   
they are happy with everything.                        
 - How is your service, brother soldiers?         
 - Thank you very much, Comrade General.   
 - Do you have enough food?                    
 - There is a lot of food and there is still left!              
 - What about women?                 
 - Everything is fine, Comrade General, we have    
there is a camel, weeveryone is happy.             
 - Show me the camel.                  
 They bring a camel. For the general they substitute
they put a ladder up to the camel's backside, and he demonstrates
promotes complete unity with ordinary soldiers.
 General, getting down:                          
 - Who's next?                         
 - Yes, we, Comrade General, are not like that at all.
we use it, we drive on it to the neighboring village
dim.                                      
__________________________________________
                                          
 A military plane takes off.                
 - Did you take the cards? - the pilot asks    
navigator                                 
 - That's right, three decks.                  
 - Uh-oh, fool. Again we'll have to get a pack of "Be-" 
lomora" fly.                           
__________________________________________
                                          
 The chief goes around the sentries and asks   
one:                                   
 -Who are you?                          
 - Tajik!                                
 The chief scolds the foreman:               
 - So that tomorrow he knows that he is not that -  
zhik, not Russian, not Belarusian, but first of all, 
Red is a Soviet soldier.                  
 The next day he comes and asks   
Tajik:                                  
 - Well, now youdo you know who you are?  
 - That's right! Fucking idiot!              
__________________________________________
                                          
 The film studio "Chukcha-film" is making films about
war.                                    
 There's a knock on the door.                            
 -Who's there?                              
 - Gestapa!                               
 - What's wrong?                             
 - Partisan!                             
 - Which?                                 
 - Oleg Koshevaya!                         
 - She went to the tundra to post flyers
and blow up the bridge.                          
 - Then tell me that the Gestapo came and
I swore a lot.                           
__________________________________________
                                          
 American and Russian submarines   
float nearby. The American captain speaks 
rit to the team:                              
 - Don't say anything to the Russians! Otherwise they   
just a little, right away: “The fifth compartment, that’s it! Torpedo-
no attack!" - and waves his hand to our captain -
well:                                       
 - Hello, Russian!                           
 - What? Crazy painted?! Fifth, there you go!    
Torpedo attack!                          
__________________________________________
                                          
 From TASS reports:                       
 - Yesterday, in the Black Sea I encountered an ice- 
Berg American submarine. Koman-
yes iceberg was awarded the Order of Lenin     
__________________________________________
                                          
 In the American army, a sergeant tells
to your department:                         
 - The Russians have airborne warfare- 
ska - there for one of theirs two of ours on-
before. But that’s nothing. They have a sea   
infantry - there are three of ours for one of them 
necessary. But the worst thing is that they have a war-  
ska, it’s called a construction battalion - so for those animals  
They don't issue weapons at all!