01 января 1995

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Quick and Cheap Way to Get Pissed <<<<<<<<<<<<<<
                               By                               
                     Psi-co of United Minds                     
                                                                
Fed up of paying to get pissed? Well then you should do what I  
do (and I am not talking about drinking household solvents!)    
No, you should make your own home brew beer. It's dead cheap to 
make and well, you can get pissed with it (hence title above!). 
So if you are interested read on!                               
                                                                
First of all its best to buy a starter kit. Yes, I know that    
costs money, which you would probably prefer to spend on booze, 
drugs, prostitutes or even a copy of Scottish Farmer depending  
on how you are orientated. But once you have one, you will have 
all the equipment you need (without which you're going to have  
trouble making your beer). So you can expect to get a decent    
starter kit for between ten and fifteen pounds. In it you should
get bottles, fermenting bin, and the ingredients for your first 
lot of beer.                                                    
                                                                
You'll normally get the ingredients in a big can or something.  
In it you should get Brewers wort (this isn't something that has
been scraped of a brewers cock OK?). Brewers wort is in fact a  
thick gooey liquid that gives the beer its flavour. If you try  
drinking it you will find it tastes like complete shit and      
nothing like the finished product (depending on how good you are
at brewing). So don't drink it. You will also get some yeast,   
we'll talk about that later. One thing you do need which you    
don't get in the ingredients is sugar. You need quite a lot of  
this. I find that if you use special brewing sugar then you'll  
get a better quality beer. This stuff isn't expensive (It's     
actually just glucose) and can be bought at you're local brewing
shop. Just go up to the friendly looking bloke at the counter   
and ask him for some help.                                      
                                                                
Okay so you've got all you're ingredients and your sitting there
thinking "What the fuck am I supposed to do now?!?". Well now   
its time to start brewing.                                      
                                                                
First you should read the label on your can of ingredients as it
contains some useful information. It should tell you how many   
pints that you can make, how much water and how much sugar you  
should add.                                                     
                                                                
So the first thing you are going to do is sterilise all your    
equipment. If you don't do this then lots of nasty little germs 
and bacteria will seriously fuck up your beer. Now that         
everything is nice and clean you should get out your fermenting 
bin (basically an oversize bucket) and pour in the brewers wort.
Now add as many pints of water as the label on the can told you 
to. This water should be boiled in your kettle first. Now that  
you have a big bucket of nasty brown stuff in front of you, you 
should add the sugar. The same amount as the instructions tells 
you to. All that is left now is to add the yeast.               
                                                                
Yeast is actually an enzyme (strangley enuff!) which converts   
sugar in to alcohol. So this means you should be very kind to it
and respect its needs and desires. For instance the yeast will  
die if it gets too hot, so its best not to add straight after   
the boiling water. Around 21 degrees C is a good temperature to 
add the yeast at. So, it might be best to leave the mixture over
night to cool down. Don't let the yeast get too cold either or  
it will stop working try to keep the beer at a constant         
temperature in the lower 20's.                                  
                                                                
You should now leave the beer for between a week to 2 weeks so  
it will ferment. The best place to leave it is the airing       
cupboard or somewhere warm. Check the beer now and again. You   
should see foam appearing on top of it, this shows fermentation 
is taking place. You should spoon the foam off as the beer is   
better off without it.                                          
                                                                
Once the beer seems to have stoped fermenting its time to bottle
it. I recommend you use glass bottles. Just simply siphon the   
beer off into the bottles and cap them. Put about a tea spoonful
of brewing sugar in each bottle before caping it. This makes the
beer fizzy, so if you don't add any you won't get any head,     
Err.... Anyway leave the beer in the bottles for about a week   
before you drink it. It will improve with age.                  
                                                                
So that's basically it. If you try this I'd like to hear from   
you and any samples would be gratefully accepted... To get in   
contact to swap demos or just to write to me for no reason (I   
like getting letters!) or whatever write to:                    
                                                                
                     PSI-CO of UNITED MINDS                     
                        12 Miller Avenue                        
                              Perth                             
                             PH1 1HN                            
                            Scotland