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01 января 1995 |
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ASK FUDGE: HE'S ALWAYS HERE WITH A KINDLY EAR
Please keep your letters short and to the point. We regret that
personal correspondance cannot be entered into although your
stamped adressed envelopes do come in handy sometimes.
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DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,
I'm a much travelled man in my sixties, getting on a bit now but
it comes to us all eventually. The thing is, no matter where
I've been in the world I've found that shit smells of shit. It
really is a great leveller of men; no matter what colour your
skin or what name you give to your God, shit still smells the
same. Please Uncle Fudge, tell us how can this be?
Tom Preston, Preston
Thanks Tom for a great letter, yes it's good to travel and
broaden ones horizons. Do you know why so many travellers come
from Australia and Scotland? It's 'cos their own countries are
so awful, they can't wait to get out. Anyway Tom, to your
question. The human waste is all the lumpy bits we eat. The more
watery stuff comes out as frothy hot piss. Whilst in the arse
chamber, chemical reactions take place which causes the shit to
smell of shit. Hope that solves the problem for you!
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,
When playing loud music on my hi-fidelity gramaphone system, I
sometimes hear a loud rhythmic knocking sound coming from the
wall behind the left channel loud-speaker. I've had my system
checked by a qualified engineer but the problem persists (not
all the time but certainly more often than not). Would it be
wise to pay a builder to come and check the foundations of my
house or is it just old age (the house is 90 years old this
year), Derek Tweezers, Devon
Thanks Derek for a great letter. Buying a house is the most
expensive item you will ever purchase, so yes, do get that
builder in for the once over. You'll find some useful addresses
in your Yellow Pages.
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,
Please can you tell me the number of the telecom phone-line
which is called 'On all fours, big boobs hanging down'. I have
misplaced my personal diary with all my telephone numbers in but
this one is most important, Simon, Exeter.
Thanks Simon for a great letter. The number you require is
0898 300 400. Hope that sorts you out.
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,
Having been married for 26 years this September, my wife Doreen
steadfastly refuses to take my pan handle up the shitter. No
amount of coercion seems to do the trick. Can you suggest the
way to a womans heart where a bit of brown hatting is concerned?
Peter Pervis, Shepherds Bush.
Thanks Peter for a great letter. I get a great many letters (all
of them fantastic and also very great) on the subject of wives
refusing to perform horny acts Peter so you are not alone when
it comes to boring and coy spouses. Women are brought up to
believe the bottom to be a very dirty area, whilst as young
boys, you and I used to put our fingers up our own bottoms and
then smell them with nostrils flaring. Have you considered
visiting a prostitute? You'll find some useful telephone numbers
in your Yellow Pages.
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,
When weeding the garden the other day in preparation for my
spring onions I found an old sixpence. After polishing, it came
up a treat. Is it worth anything? Ron Cavey , Leicester
Thanks Ron for a great letter. No really, your use of the
English language is just such a joy to entertain. A sixpence was
worth sixpence. Hope that puts your mind at rest.
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE
I've discovered a useful tip that I hope you will pass onto your
readers. After drinking several cans of Strongbow Super Cider, I
suddenly discovered that my wife looked attractive again. We've
been married for 32 years this Febuary. We had it major! On the
stairs, in the garage, on top of the shower unit and twice on
the sofa. Not only that but I even got some fisting in, it was
great. After a few weeks I noticed the effects of the cider were
not working so well, so I started on the Vodka. It's now working
better than ever, Andrew Digby, Potters Bar.
Thanks Andrew for a great letter. I'm sure some readers will try
this for themselves. Has anyone else got any useful tips?
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,
Yes, I have. When going for an evening out to the local
hostilery, do check that there are no Germans in your party.
They will inevitably not find your jokes funny so spoiling the
evening for the rest of you. And as for the Scottish, well,
isn't it funny how they always go to the toilet when the next
round is due? Ralph, Brixton
Thanks Ralph for a great letter. Yes it takes all sorts to make
a world and what a crap world it would be if everyone was
German. 1966, that's what I say!
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,
About 17 years ago, on my honeymoon in fact, St Ives, lovely
place... and I was just about to introduce my man member into my
ladies grass when she was suddenly possessed, as if by a devil!
She started to speak in tounges, moaning wildly and saying
things like "Squeeze my tits" and "Lick my fanny". I had never
heard such latin before or since. My wife was as bemused as I
afterwards, saying she felt a bit odd, somehow empty inside!
On returning home we sought an audience with our local vicar who
told us God acts in mysterious ways. That was all he said
really. Can you explain what happened that night? Did we meet
the devil himself? Dudley, Birmingham
Thanks Dudley for a great letter. Women are very easily taken
over by the forces of darkness at these distressing times. Best
of luck mate for the future. And I really mean that.
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