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01 января 1995 |
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Some Of The Worlds Dirtiest Jokes
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By Bogie Of E-3
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These jokes have been taken from a book called 'The World's Best
Dirty Stories' Some of them have been slightly altered because
I thought it would be good to!!!! HAHAHAH!!!
The names have been changed to make them sound better!!
While punting down the Thames L.A. was unluky enough to lose his
pole. He called to a man in a boat with two women, "I say, may
I borrow one of your oars?"
"Fuck you," was the reply. "These ain't ores. One of 'em's me
muvver, an' the ovver un's me bleedin' sister."
Bogie entered a suburban railway compartment which was occupied
by two men. One of them had a peculiar mannerism, which Bogie
found most distracting. The man kept scratching his elbow again
and again.
When at last the sufferer got out at his station, Bogie
remarked to the other man, "Gravely afflicted, your friend."
"Yes indeed. He's got a terrible case of piles."
"I'm not talking about piles," said Bogie. "I'm talking about
all that elbow scratching just now."
"Yes, that's right. Piles. You see, he's a civil servant and he
can't tell his arse from his elbow."
In a preliminary hearing for a divorce suit, L.A. asked a sailor
to descibe, in his own words, the events that took place on the
afternoon of the twenty-third.
"Well I'm standing on the fucking deck of the fucking ship,
see? And I'm fucking looking over the fucking rail at the
fucking dock, see? And I says to meself, 'Fuck it! What's a man
to do with his fucking self?'
'Then along the fucking dock comes this fucking blonde, see?
And she's fucking lovely. So I give her a fucking smile, and she
fucking smiles right back, see? So I fucking says to meself,
'This is fucking good enough for me.'
'So I goes down the fucking gangway to the fucking dock, see?.
And just as I'm fucking walking upto her, this other fucking
bloke fucking walks upto her, takes her fucking arm, and fucking
walks off with her.
'Well, I've got fuck all to do, so I decides to fucking follow
them. They goes down the fucking street past the fucking shops,
her hanging onto his fucking arm all the fucking way, see? Then
they comes this to this bit of a fucking park and they turns in,
see? So I says to me fucking self, 'Oho! I'll fucking see what
he's fucking upto here.'
'So he fucking takes her along this fucking path, and behind
some fucking bushes, see? And there's all this fucking giggling
and carry-on, see? And while I'm Fucking watching, he's fucking
giving her the big pash-up, and fucking taking off her fucking
clothes - and then - intimacy occurred."
An elderly lady was horrified when she came upon a 10 year old
Bogie in a quiet corner smoking a cigar.
"Little boys shouldn't smoke," she admonished sternly.
The young Bogie was unruffled
"I was smoking cigarettes when I was eight," he told her.
The old lady was even more horrified.
"Even so," she said, "it's still wrong for someone so young to
smoke."
"That's nothing" scoffed Bogie. "I had my first love affair
with a little girl when I was only six."
"Who was the little girl?" was the reply.
"I really don't know. I was drunk at the time."
L.A. asked his mother one day, "Mother do people go to heaven
feet first?"
"Why no, dear," she replied. "Why do you ask?"
"Well the maid was lying on the bed with her feet in the air
shouting, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' and she would've too, if dad
hadn't been holding her down."
L.A. marched into the local brothel waving a 50 pound note
shouting "Give me a whore with syphilis."
"You dreadful boy," came the reply. "Fancy saying a thing like
that. All the whores here are clean."
"No good," L.A. persisted. "I want a whore with syphilis."
"In heavens name why?"
"So then I'll catch it and give it to the house maid."
"What kind of monster are you," came the reply. "What have you
got against the poor girl?"
"Nothing. But she'll give it to dad, and he'll give it mum, and
she'll give it to the parish priest - and he's the bastard I'm
really after."
After a game of golf L.A. and Bogie went to the bar for a few
drinks. L.A. asked Bogie "Have you ever seen an ice cube with a
hole in it?"
"Seen one?" replied Bogie "I've been married to one for 25
years."
Bogie's wife asked him "If I died would you remarry?"
"This is a morbid question dear, but in time I probably would."
"Would you bring her to live here?"
"Well seeing as the house is paid for, yes."
"Would you let her wear my mink coat?"
"It would make more sense than to lose money selling it."
"I suppose you'd let the little hussy who replaces me to use
my custom made golf clubs aswell!"
"No, no, my dear. Not that. She happens to be left handed."
It was in Africa that L.A. was invited to participate in a game
of African roulette.
"I've heard of Russian roulette but what's this African
roulette?"
They explained. "You go into a hut where there are 6 holes in
the wall, behind each hole is an African woman who will suck
you off."
"But where's the roulette in that?"
"Well one of them is a cannibal."
At the zoo Bogie's 5 year old son saw an elephant with a huge
erection. He asked his mother "What's that?"
His mother replied by saying "Oh, it's nothing. Now shut up."
Not satisfied he asked his dad the same question.
"Why don't you ask your mother?"
"I did and she said it was nothing."
"That's the trouble with your mother. She's been spoiled."
An economical recession had got L.A. down. He said to his wife,
"You know, if you learnt how to cook we could do without the
maid."
"Perhaps we could," she replied, "and if you learnt how to fuck
we could do without a chauffeur."
Well that's all for now folks, maybe some more in the next
issue!!!
______/______/______/______/______/______/ ______/
___/__ / __ _ / ________
/ __/_/ / / / / / / /___/___ //__/___/_ /
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
/_____ /___/_ / /_ / /__ / /_____ /_____ / /_____ /
/ / / / / / /
K-OS'94
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