01 января 1995

20 things to do whilst waiting for a game to load.              
An essay and discussion paper by Clare Bear.                    
                                                                
                                                                
Only puffs have disk drives. Us hard types still use cassettes  
cos' they are cheap and the black ones look sexy.               
                                                                
1) Read the instructions for the program being loaded. I like to
know what button does what otherwise there is no fucking point  
playing, comprehend? End of...                                  
                                                                
2) Eat some chocolate biscuits. They could of course be custard 
creams or maybe even a bourbon. Don't let any crumbs fall into  
the keyboard as it may hamper future membrane function.         
                                                                
3) Check your hair in the reflection on the monitor. You won't  
be able to see that much detail but I find the outline of ones  
hair-do can make or break your chances with the opposite sex.   
Use a small hand mirror for black-heads.                        
                                                                
4) Go downstairs and watch Neighbours just for five minutes then
remember you are loading Football Manager 2 which has a stupid  
in-house ad after 30 seconds, so you get back and it hasn't     
loaded.                                                         
                                                                
5) Cut toe-nails/finger-nails. See point 2 for notes on the     
subsequent clippings.                                           
                                                                
6) Masturbate. The sound of loading bytes may not be the most   
sensual of tones but turn the sound down and put your legs up on
either side of the monitor and have a good old fiddle.          
                                                                
7) Masturbate someone else.                                     
                                                                
8) Lucky people get blackheads in the tit area. Get a bad neck  
and squeeze the buggers out. Like raw oven chips some of 'em.   
                                                                
9) Pretend you are hurtling towards the sun in your out of      
control space ship in Elite. The radiation is affecting your    
screen making all funny lines go in the border.                 
                                                                
10) Go to the shops for some chips. If there is no queue and the
frier is full of stock you should be back in time to see the    
joystick options coming up (and something nice to eat whilst you
lisen to the intro tune).                                       
                                                                
11) Go back to the shops as you forgot the lager.               
                                                                
12) Play that shitty PacMan game that you can play whilst the   
other thing is loading. I think.                                
                                                                
13) Try to remember what great TV show you are missing by       
sitting all night in front of your Spectrum.                    
                                                                
14) Play a slight yet charming tune on a flute, penny whistle or
some other junior wind instrument. Interesting conflicting      
dischords can be created with the loading tones.                
                                                                
15) Try to tune into the radio station you actually want to     
listen to as opposed to one the Speccy will let you hear. Try   
moving the aeriel lead a bit. Radio 5 is a good bet.            
                                                                
16) Take some acid. By the time Rainbow Islands loads in 128    
mode it'll be the best game you ever fucking played (even though
you won't know what you're supposed to be doing).               
                                                                
17) Light a cigarette. This will eventually kill you but lasts  
just about the same time it takes for the average game to load. 
                                                                
18) You could put three Ramones singles on your record player,  
this also lasts for the same amount of time.                    
                                                                
19) Ring up your boss and tell them you won't be in today as    
you've got the shits. Use the other three minutes to ring for a 
pizza with extra mushroom.                                      
                                                                
20) Look out of the window and daydream about shagging.         
                                                                
Please note, you can do none of the above with a +D system, so  
who is the cunt now eh?