ASK FUDGE: HE'S ALWAYS HERE WITH A KINDLY EAR Please keep your letters short and to the point. We regret that personal correspondance cannot be entered into although your stamped adressed envelopes do come in handy sometimes. ================================================================ DEAR UNCLE FUDGE, I'm a much travelled man in my sixties, getting on a bit now but it comes to us all eventually. The thing is, no matter where I've been in the world I've found that shit smells of shit. It really is a great leveller of men; no matter what colour your skin or what name you give to your God, shit still smells the same. Please Uncle Fudge, tell us how can this be? Tom Preston, Preston Thanks Tom for a great letter, yes it's good to travel and broaden ones horizons. Do you know why so many travellers come from Australia and Scotland? It's 'cos their own countries are so awful, they can't wait to get out. Anyway Tom, to your question. The human waste is all the lumpy bits we eat. The more watery stuff comes out as frothy hot piss. Whilst in the arse chamber, chemical reactions take place which causes the shit to smell of shit. Hope that solves the problem for you! DEAR UNCLE FUDGE, When playing loud music on my hi-fidelity gramaphone system, I sometimes hear a loud rhythmic knocking sound coming from the wall behind the left channel loud-speaker. I've had my system checked by a qualified engineer but the problem persists (not all the time but certainly more often than not). Would it be wise to pay a builder to come and check the foundations of my house or is it just old age (the house is 90 years old this year), Derek Tweezers, Devon Thanks Derek for a great letter. Buying a house is the most expensive item you will ever purchase, so yes, do get that builder in for the once over. You'll find some useful addresses in your Yellow Pages. DEAR UNCLE FUDGE, Please can you tell me the number of the telecom phone-line which is called 'On all fours, big boobs hanging down'. I have misplaced my personal diary with all my telephone numbers in but this one is most important, Simon, Exeter. Thanks Simon for a great letter. The number you require is 0898 300 400. Hope that sorts you out. DEAR UNCLE FUDGE, Having been married for 26 years this September, my wife Doreen steadfastly refuses to take my pan handle up the shitter. No amount of coercion seems to do the trick. Can you suggest the way to a womans heart where a bit of brown hatting is concerned? Peter Pervis, Shepherds Bush. Thanks Peter for a great letter. I get a great many letters (all of them fantastic and also very great) on the subject of wives refusing to perform horny acts Peter so you are not alone when it comes to boring and coy spouses. Women are brought up to believe the bottom to be a very dirty area, whilst as young boys, you and I used to put our fingers up our own bottoms and then smell them with nostrils flaring. Have you considered visiting a prostitute? You'll find some useful telephone numbers in your Yellow Pages. DEAR UNCLE FUDGE, When weeding the garden the other day in preparation for my spring onions I found an old sixpence. After polishing, it came up a treat. Is it worth anything? Ron Cavey , Leicester Thanks Ron for a great letter. No really, your use of the English language is just such a joy to entertain. A sixpence was worth sixpence. Hope that puts your mind at rest. DEAR UNCLE FUDGE I've discovered a useful tip that I hope you will pass onto your readers. After drinking several cans of Strongbow Super Cider, I suddenly discovered that my wife looked attractive again. We've been married for 32 years this Febuary. We had it major! On the stairs, in the garage, on top of the shower unit and twice on the sofa. Not only that but I even got some fisting in, it was great. After a few weeks I noticed the effects of the cider were not working so well, so I started on the Vodka. It's now working better than ever, Andrew Digby, Potters Bar. Thanks Andrew for a great letter. I'm sure some readers will try this for themselves. Has anyone else got any useful tips? DEAR UNCLE FUDGE, Yes, I have. When going for an evening out to the local hostilery, do check that there are no Germans in your party. They will inevitably not find your jokes funny so spoiling the evening for the rest of you. And as for the Scottish, well, isn't it funny how they always go to the toilet when the next round is due? Ralph, Brixton Thanks Ralph for a great letter. Yes it takes all sorts to make a world and what a crap world it would be if everyone was German. 1966, that's what I say! DEAR UNCLE FUDGE, About 17 years ago, on my honeymoon in fact, St Ives, lovely place... and I was just about to introduce my man member into my ladies grass when she was suddenly possessed, as if by a devil! She started to speak in tounges, moaning wildly and saying things like "Squeeze my tits" and "Lick my fanny". I had never heard such latin before or since. My wife was as bemused as I afterwards, saying she felt a bit odd, somehow empty inside! On returning home we sought an audience with our local vicar who told us God acts in mysterious ways. That was all he said really. Can you explain what happened that night? Did we meet the devil himself? Dudley, Birmingham Thanks Dudley for a great letter. Women are very easily taken over by the forces of darkness at these distressing times. Best of luck mate for the future. And I really mean that.