NOTES OF A PROGRAMMER'S WIFE (Continued. Starts in issue 4) (C) 1999 Alex Exler WWW.exler.ru ------------------------------------------------------- Of course, at least a week has passed, before my daddy was worthy of start working on the computer with me. However, I didn’t expect anything else because I have known him since childhood. From my own childhood, of course. Since his childhood pa- Mommy knows the bullet. That's what she says, that I would never marry daddy for- husband, if not for one event. The point is that they have known each other since kindergarten. And their families knew each other since childhood my grandparents' gardens on both sides sides And mommy and daddy just It was written in my family to get married. By at least both families really want this whether. Therefore, mommy and daddy with children The two people hated each other. Daddy lu- drank mommy with pantyhose, mommy complained attacked the teacher's daddy, after Why did they put the daddy in for ten minutes? angle. From there he came out even more embittered. lazy and already beating mommyleggings. She complained again and daddy was put in the angle is already fifteen minutes, which is why he became even more embittered. Towards the end Kindergarten dad spent in corner 10 out of 12 o'clock, and mommy was all blue, because daddy was already hitting her with wooden horses. At school they studied in the same class, and mommy never allowed daddy to write her off. Only for money (this she has retained the habit even now.) Therefore Dad learned how to earn money since childhood to buy knowledge. Daddy, By the way, he's not a fool at all, he just has brains were directed in the wrong direction, and in a regular school it was cramped for him. And mommy- ka - on the contrary, she studied well at school, after which she graduated from college with honors diploma, which helped her a lot in the future our role as a housewife. They hated each other all through school. B in elementary school, daddy whipped classmates, in secondary - for a girl - we are in the yard, in the older ones - behind the young one biological. Mommy is at school didn’t show anything on the love front, but in the tenth grade I became more or less proficient stately inclined to accept signs of attention already a middle-aged physical education teacher, whom name was Leva. I suspect that she did it's out of spitedaddy, but now there’s nothing to- it’s impossible to say, and mummy is even in charge there are no emotional conversations. But one day in the tenth grade something happened there was one story that influenced the whole further course of events. The point is that in Dad and Mom's school was a saint tradition: before final exams 10th graders chose from their ranks several best representatives who went to beat the athlete Leva for insatiable interest in their classmates. This there was an old and good tradition that honored by all the tenth graders. And even Le himself I honored her too, because every year inserted new teeth into himself. This year three people were selected. The three best representatives from two classes owls Led a team of "angels of death" (as the tenth grade class pompously called her) sniki) Vova, nicknamed Badger. Wow wow- the whole school was stinging because it was the only a proud man who was kicked out training in karate for beating up Sen- sowing Vova weighed 150 kilograms at height under two meters, and he didn’t need knowledge martial arts to give someone something along the neck. Next on the team was Max, nicknamed Nightmare. He was very thin and frail, but first of all, you can’t live without him there was no costone event, second - in a frail body was enclosed such fighting spirit that even Vo- va. Plus he could scream like a firefighter team extinguishing a herd of March cats. And the third one they chose was my daddy. He was quite well developed physically (ma- Mulka says that he is still healthy, like a hippopotamus; because only with this health, like daddy’s, ma- considers Mulka, you can ferment all night in the bathhouse, and I also have to go to work in the morning), but That's not why he was chosen. Just daddy, a good half of the tenth graders owed money, but he said that if If he is elected, he will forgive everyone’s debts. A fifth-grader returned from reconnaissance, who reported that Leva was sitting in physical education tour hall, after which the "angels of death" set off to fulfill our sacred duty, accompanied by the blessings of husbands half of the tenth grades and counter- vocal sighs of the female half. The close-knit team moved along the path to the gym. Papulkina-mum- Kina's school was a typical three-story building, where the main building connects moose with assembly and sports hall a narrow passage. But as soon as "angel- ly" entered the transition, at the other end an alarmed figure suddenly appearedLeva. How he found out about the campaign - until now unknown. Either in the camp of tenth graders the snake of betrayal snuck in, and within a few Verku in the year some scoundrel post- pitched the athlete to the knowledge (to me it hurts to think that it could be a girl ka), or Leve’s heart (or some other some part of the body) suggested that he now THEY WILL BEAT! The situation was critical cheskaya Driven into a corner, Leva was able to ben for everything, especially since he has his own There were three or four teeth left. But "an- "Gels" were not going to retreat. Daddy quickly took command (he was still since childhood he loved to give orders, like a caustic Mommy noted carefully), put Bar- bitch on the left, he stood up on the right, frail Kosh- Marika was placed in the middle, grappling hands and began to wait for the approach of physical education horizontal bar Leva quickly assessed the situation and realized that there is, in fact, nowhere to retreat, because behind - only the gym, quickly made a decision and rushed straight to the devil terrible trinity. Daddy told me that no one flinched at the sight of Leva, rushing right at them. Only a Nightmare something squealed and began to twitch in the iron ru- kah daddy and badger. Of course, just like suggested daddy, Leva chose the most the most vulnerable link in the defensive chain,so he hit Koshmarik with his whole body. He fell and yelled at the whole school: “Kill-i-i- and-or, they killed Max, scoundrels,” after which completely unexpectedly bit Leva with his teeth in the thigh and began to shake his head as if Rabbit Bull Terrier (only at this moment daddy appreciated the wisdom of the tenth grader kov who chose Nightmare for this difficult mission). Leva didn't expect this turn of events, so I pulled my leg out terrible teeth and ran back screaming to the gym. Now there was nowhere to rush, so the trio headed after Leva, calmly and clearly typing the step. We came to the Lu, which, of course, turned out to be closed you're on the key. “Badger, please,” - neg- Daddy said romko, after which Badger He raised his foot and knocked politely on the door. The door fell. At the other end of the hall one could see Lev, who rushed along the Swedish walls. “A nightmare,” he said in an iron voice. daddy. - Stand at the door and stand there on- death. “Don’t be afraid,” answered Nightmare, before free with his recent feat. - If he'll try to poke his head in here, I know for him where will I grab it?Daddy looked at Nightmare with interest. catfish, but didn’t say anything, just said he patted his classmate on the chest, Why did he cough? After this Badger and Papulka moved towards Leva. That one he began to rush about even more, and began to climb on the Swedish wall, then get off it, Tom wanted to open the window, but he nothing worked out. Then suddenly he accepted some kind of solution and, quickly going through the kami, climbed the rope to the very top. “Listen,” the Badger asked thoughtfully. daddy. - What about the Swedes with such walls? live? It's blowing. “The devil only knows,” he answered absentmindedly. daddy, thinking about something completely different. - Listen, Badger, how can we pull him down? “It’s your job to think,” he explained. Badger. - You drive it downstairs for me, and then - my problems. Papulka thoughtfully walked up to the rope, took it with both hands and several times shook it hard. - I’ll give everyone, everyone, everyone fives! B year! - Leva squealed from above, but did not fell. - Maybe set it on fire? - asked uncertainly Badger. “It will burn for a long time,” explained Pa. bullet. - Someone else will come running. And for us I'd like to quickly knock out a couple of his teeth and get out of here. “Well, let me try then,” he said. Badger, spat on his palms, grabbed him by the rope, pulled sharply and... The rope couldn’t bear Leva’s weight and well done - who is the Badger's jerk, so he came off somewhere near the ceiling and together with Leva flew down to the mats. Leva gives a hard smack- fell on the mat, said a bad word and quiet “Well, Leva,” daddy said affectionately, - We give you the opportunity to choose. We are not animals. Two teeth of your choice one - at Badger's choice. Decide faster otherwise we don’t have much time. - It's time for us to go to the library! - unexpectedly Nightmare squeaked from the door. And si- the situation, meanwhile, was a dead end. Pa- pulka understood that Badger was lying and the pathetic Lev will not be beaten, and he himself - even more so. I had to get out somehow this situation, but daddy didn’t know how.Suddenly the door to the trainer's room opened, Mommy appeared from there and said: - Well, Levchik, did you get what you deserved? It's high time. Daddy was completely speechless. “And you,” he became furious, “what are you what are you doing here? “I’m filling out the magazine,” looking with hatred on Leva, explained the mother. - To I got a B for the year. I'm the whole four- I never went to physical education. And then daddy felt such a surge of roar- disgusted that he grabbed Leva by the breasts, disgusted the shaft from the mats and hit him right in the jaw. Leva fell, but suddenly jumped up and fell bullet in the jaw. Daddy fell. badger started swinging, but he did it to us only slowly that I received from Leva go- caught in the stomach, bent over and also fell, and Leva rushed to the side with goat jumps. well, the doors, where Nightmare is, sensing evil, grabbed both doors with his hands and feet and howled: - Don't run on me! Don't run! It didn't help him. Leva demolished the Nightmare- ka, like a feather, and rushed off into the unknown nom even for himself in the direction. Pa- pulka lay spread out on the mats, and a huge lump stood out on his cheekbone. “You made a great trip to Levka,” said Ma- Mulka, for the first time in her life looking at pa- bullet with interest. “Otherwise,” daddy answered contentedly. - He won't bother our girls. “Whoa,” panted Badger. - Well, if if I had time to swing, he would not only girls, didn’t even bother boys as far as the nursing home. - You should have been quicker, Badger, - under- His mother pricked him. - Until you swing - Xia, a new leaf has already been opened on the calendar. we have to go. The badger perked up, but the mother stopped pay attention to him, but began to put copper coins in Papulkin's nodule. He shone like the Sun over Zimbab- ve, and looked triumphantly at Badger. Finally, first aid was provided, Daddy and Badger raised Nightmare, knocked the dust out of him, and all four together went to class to report on poorresults of the crusade. And then... Next is mommy and daddy got married. So I say that mommy knows him much better than me, but even I I understood that a lot of time would pass, before daddy has sex with me pom. Oh, I got into a conversation today not a joke. It's time to go on business and tomorrow I’ll definitely force daddy to work out with me. He's nowhere from me will get away. I know the magic phrase: “Papul- ka! Do you want me to tell mom- ke about how you..." *** Oh! It's finished! Finally! Daddy is able to managed to work on the computer with my his only (he hopes) daughter. This epoch-making event took place yesterday ra, exactly after the end of the first century black dinner (daddy usually has two of them or three: the first happens immediately after returning home from work, the second - where- then before bed, and the third - when daddy gets up at night, opens the refrigerator and dusts hiding from there to get some food, dropping pans and waking up the whole house). Daddy got his fill, drank a glass red wine, came to a complacenton- building and just sat down in another time to torment your Lines, how I caught the mo- cop and attacked the wild cat daddy coy. - Dad! - I said in a stern voice. - We had some agreement between other things. And by the way, this agreement- the event took place almost two weeks ago ass “It saddens me to think,” I added. los alarmed notes - that my pa- Pulka violates his agreements. Somehow the child (I mean myself) will have feeling of insecurity about one's own parentage body What could be worse? - What, daughter, what is it? - alarmed daddy. - Do I really refuse? Nothing similar. But you saw: daddy on I was very busy that week, so I didn’t I was able to give my daughter the necessary attention. “Well, yes,” I said sarcastically. - Was busy. I know how and where you were busy. Three times that week in preference with I played as chief accountant. - Hello, moral commission! - said pa- bullet, immediately going wild. - From me, if you I don’t know yet, there’s your mommy. And me Her instructions are quite enough, we drank vanities and nightly moralization. Sowhat Finish your complaints for me here. Boo you want to do computer work - now and Let's start. If you want to read morals, go to your room and read them to the TV, otherwise he started to show something bad. “And I didn’t mind, dad,” I hurried. - I want to study computers. Which one do I need does it matter what you're playing? “That’s it,” said Papulik and immediately calmed down. - So, daughter, let's get started. first lesson. Computer, daughter, sos- consists of the following items: TV, which we call a monitor, a keyboard ry, which we call "Klava" and mice, which we call a mouse. “I understand,” I said. - TV on- we call it a monitor, we call it a keyboard Keyboard (I already learned this word from Sergei), and we call the mouse a mouse. “Well done,” said daddy. - Well, Is it enough for the first time? “I don’t understand,” I said in Bru’s voice. sa Willis. - It seems to me, dad, that you you want to ditch me like an old girl sister. “Listen,” answered daddy nervously, “ no need to talk toquote me their idiotic films. This annoys me reaps. Either we continue to study, or I will work. “We’ll move on,” she said firmly. I. - By the way, what is the name of this se- heaven box? - What gray box? - didn’t get it daddy. “This one,” and I pointed to the box, where the hoses from the keyboards and mice ran. - Well, so, this... this is the computer, - said daddy, somewhat confused - shi. “Ah-ah-ah,” I said respectfully. - You mean it! Now everything is clear. - Well, mother, you give, - even somehow... Daddy said scared. - What a wild one grayness? For the first time in my life, a computer vi- Are you kidding me or what? “Not the first,” I said firmly, remembering bypassing the scenes in Sergei’s house, which I would prefer not to remember. - But where am I from? I know that this is exactly what a computer is. I always thought that the computer was where screen.“No, she’s definitely just like her mother,” parted her hair. Daddy shook it under his breath and was already loud continued in a voice. - So, daughter, this one The gray bandura is the computer. Now I I'll turn it off and then we'll figure out how it goes the matter starts, - with these words pa- the bullet quickly made some manipulations - tions and the monitor went dark. - The computer, daughter, turns on here button, - said daddy, drowned his finger - here is a gray button on the computer, and the screen caught fire again. - And it’s probably the same thing that turns off - before- I wondered, pressed the same button, and the screen went dark again. Daddy hiccupped surprises and for some reason became indignant: - Ale! Daughter! Where are you going with your fingers? are you procrastinating without the teacher's permission? Computer It doesn't even turn off like that. - Why is this? - I was surprised. - Lu- All devices are turned on with one toggle switch and turn off. “But not a computer,” said daddy. - That is, if there were no operating system, then you could turn off with the same button, but it has, - daddy is hereraised his eyes reverently to it, - the greatest operating system under the calling Windows, which can turn off the computer is more competent than just this button. “I don’t understand,” I said. - What does it mean - more competent? Itself from the socket pulls it out, or what? “No,” said daddy. - Well, as it were explain to you? To turn off the computer yuter, you need to perform the following sequence Activity: press the button "Start", select "Shut down", and in Select "Turn off computer" then press Enter. - Nevermind! - I was indignant. - And is this called "more competent"? And with diamonds run around the computer while doing this no need? “Sometimes you need to,” said daddy and I was a little sad about something. - Okay, - he said. - Turn on the computer and study further,” with these words he again fork on the power button. The computer screen flickered, some numbers, then something on it for a long time was happening, and then it fell out on the screen some messagein English. “You see,” said daddy and noticeably nervous. - I'm under construction at work they were strictly warned to turn it off you always need a car the way I tell you said. And you with your playful finger poked where it shouldn't, that's the problem - feathers arose. What should I do? How am I in Will I play Lines? “It’s okay for you to be nervous,” she said. la I reassuringly. - If anything, Sergey will help. Do you want me to call him? - Well, call, of course, - he completely freaked out - Xia daddy. - You see, the computer is not for- is loading. Sergei, fortunately, was not sitting in his Internet, so I called very quickly. “Sergey,” I shouted into the phone, even without saying hello. - We have a computer here It asks some question and doesn’t load. - What question? - asked displeased Sergei, who before my call was clearly weak slept for a day. - Is there life on Mars? - Not really! - I said joyfully. - He says that some kind of errorand asks whether to correct her or no. - Of course, an error was detected, - satisfied - Sergei said forcefully. - This error is called - It is installed in WindoWs`95. It needs to be corrected your computer. - So what should we do? - Tell her to fix it, - commando - val Sergey. - He says to correct it, - re- I gave it to daddy. - And what? - Dad went completely wild. - What should I do? - What should we do? - I screamed into the phone. - Damn, press Enter, - in your Sergei was indignant. - What are you doing there? do you work out at all? You have to think with your head mother, and not the sciatic nerve. - Damn, you need to press Enter, - commanded - I gave it to my daddy, wisely skipping a note on the sciatic nerve. Pa- bullet pressed Enter, the computer is still mi- five o’clock grunted something of his own, and then Papulka's favorite clouds were loading.- Hurray! - Daddy shouted. - Here I returned again to the fold of the Holy Catholic what a church! He ran his fingers quickly across the keyboard. re, loaded my native Lines and at the same time forgot about my existence for a moment. - And today I have my first computer lesson. “I got it,” I boasted to Sergei. “Congratulations,” he said and yawned so that I was afraid for the fate of his phone. - Do you have any more questions for me? Otherwise you are yours I interrupted such a wonderful dream with a call! to me dreamed that Bill Gates went to Hell and his surrounded by computers with Unix and half-axis. Let me see this happiness to the end. - Yes, and please, - I’m a little offended - las. “Thank you for your help,” she began. me, but this ignoramus has already hung up. Dad, meanwhile, was playing with his Li- nes, grunting with pleasure. “Daddy,” I said decisively. -Mo- Maybe we can study again today? “It’s amazing,” answered daddy, not taking your eyes off the screen - like some people who were almost deprivedhis legitimate parent of the honored rest, there is no conscience at all. “I got the hint,” I said sadly and went to mommy's kitchen so that we together we were able to mourn our share as women. *** Time has passed. Daddy is already used to it deals with me and devotes his whole life to with my daughter a couple of evenings during the week whether. I began to understand something about the computer mother. At least a monitor with a keyboard I don’t confuse it with viatura anymore. One day he calls Sergey. He's been up to something lately I started calling myself quite often. Before that- who was not observed. “Hello,” he says. - Hello, dear, - soulfully I say, trying to bring the table to life. face in Excel. - What are you doing? - is interested in love - washed. “I’m scrubbing the pots,” I explain. Co- of course, I want to brag that I Now I'm mastering data linking betweendifferent sheets of the Excel workbook, but I still can’t pronounce such wise new phrase. “Ah,” Sergei answers and pauses for a long time. washed. - Well? - I continue this most interesting conversation. - You, this... - Sergei begins. - How Are you having computer lessons? - Everything is top notch. Daddy everything first angry for a while... Well, you know that he and he himself is not particularly advanced in computers southern plan. It's only big in Lines specialist, but I'm interested in several other things. But I ask him questions, which he cannot answer, he first gets annoyed and swears, and then we get together we sit down to figure it out, after which some which is becoming clearer. - Well done! - Sergei praises me. - More a little, and it will be possible to be decent with you new society to go out. - What kind of society is this? - carefully I'm curious. - Well, in an Internet cafe, at a food drink... You never know where, -says vaguely Sergey. I'm a little offended at first because that Sergei quite clearly expressed his pre- neglect of my companies, where should he be? kid, there is no one to talk to about computers rah. On the other hand, I myself chose that which way, so why be offended? - Listen, - Sergei suddenly says. - Do they give you homework? “Of course,” I am surprised. - Where would we go without homework? I can say practically only in them training and co- toit. Last week I asked for daddy teach me Access, he said: "Here's your assignment for the next lesson: master Access." Well, I mastered, os- waived, and when I came to class, I it turned out that daddy this Access is In general, it’s the first time he sees it in the eyes. So I don't I understand - I’ve gotten the hang of this Access or no. -Have you gotten to the heart of the matter? - by- Sergei asks suspiciously. - For what? Does this Access even exist? - Well, I’m probably a complete fool! - I answer sarcastically. - Of course, turn it on - las. Acceesscreated to work with the database Borei data. “Yes,” says Sergei. - Clear. And se- What do you have for the house today? - Yes, I’m fiddling with Excel, if it weren’t right - den. Daddy knows him pretty well gave me all sorts of tasks, and I figured it out I can't. - Well, come to me then! - joyfully says Sergei. - I will help you do homework. - Why? This is a thought, I say thoughtfully I. - Just tidy up your place at least a little - leg, okay? - What are we talking about? - Sergei is offended. - It will be clean, like in the Tretyakov Gallery. - By the way, you know that it is being repaired closed? - I’m interested. - What are you talking about? - Sergei is surprised. - Last time I was there, no no repairs were planned. - When was the last time you were there? - In third grade.“I see,” I say decisively. - March clean up, and I’ll slowly head towards you I promise. The main thing is to have your own chairs and chairs remove the glands. Otherwise, after your I had to throw away my trousers during the visit. Mom she said that it was as if pigeons had pecked me get out. “It’s from the video card,” he declared joyfully. Sergei says. - Yeah. So make sure that these vi- deokarts and similar abominations on yours there were no chairs lying around. - For the sake of the look of a beautiful lady, I am ready for any suffering, - gallantly declares Sergey. - Where is this from? - suspiciously right I sew. - Have you started reading books? “No,” explains Sergei. - This is but- new quest has appeared. There are such phrases - at least talk it out. - It's clear. Okay, wait for me and I'll come. Just wait a lot. - Where is this from? - suspiciously right Sergey sews. - I don’t like this kind of game I remember. “No,” I explain. - This is from the books - ki. There are similar phrases - at least quote them. “Okay, I’m waiting,” says Sergei and hangs up handset. The same grannies are sitting at his entrance ki. - Greetings to the guardians of the rule of law and good- decency, - I politely greet (you remember that I was with the grannies at the entrance - I never swear). - A-a-a-a, Irka came to the vivisector, - The grannies are happy. “He’s not a vivisector,” I explain. - Just a scientist. “Yeah, scientist,” says the most gloatingly mischievous granny. - Why did he then co- does it suck? - He doesn't do anything. This is his computer Yuter yells like that. - Well, exactly - he’s crazy, - I’m glad - There is another granny. - Who has this? in his right mind the computer will scream cats day and night? Computer is for computing ny, here.“Come on,” I say soothingly. I. - You’d better take patronage over the guy- whether. Otherwise he eats only bread and pi- vom and sleeps two hours a day. Behind him - the future of our country. “You’ll also say the future,” they mutter. grandmothers, but they think about it. “What?” asks the grandmother in chintz. robe - Does he really eat dry food? “That’s not the right word,” I answer, feeling as tears well up in your eyes. “So what,” asks the same grandmother, which, too, a tear begins to boil in to the eye, - I don’t even eat soup every day - yeah? - What is it - every day - hopelessly I wave my hand. - He never eats at all. He doesn't even know what soup is. “Get on with it,” the grannies are amazed. - What about you, beauty, I wonder- She's the most corrosive old lady. - What are you talking about? Aren't you keeping an eye on him? Why are soups not va- Rish? - They don’t let me in, -I'll explain. - I'm driving a long siege and gradually return a guy to a normal life. But every day I can’t come, otherwise there’s an educational the process will go wrong. He should spinal cord feel the difference between my presence and absence. To the absence weighed on my mind and stomach. “He’s laying it out,” the granny admired. straw hat. - And in appearance - ordinary a smeared modern fool. “Okay, beauty,” says the most the main granny sitting in the center. - Shu- go to your vivisector-dry-drinker, and we'll think about it. Only if like last time “Once, you scream,” she says sternly. - You never know... Like the last time the police We called, so we’ll call now. You don't think May. And we won’t even look at what the district police officer he'll be stuck there again for a few days, like then... And the patronage of your scientist - let's take it. It's better for us if he's always it will be visible. So at least the house is your own - It won't burn with blades and electronics. “Thank you, grandmothers,” said heartfeltly. I steal and head into the entrance. Lifting I go to his landing, go to the door and cash in I press the call button. You can hear some kind of clicking... a clap and suddenly an eerie thunderous voice uttered wears:- What are you waiting for? CHristmas? I was numb at first, but I remembered that last time I was also met by a mechanic ical voice, so she quickly said magic phrase, hoping that the door itself will open: - Microsoft is a must. The door remained motionless. - Linux rules! - hesitantly produced I said one more of the phrases that I heard from Sergei, but it also has no visible effect took effect. - Well, what are you waiting for? - a voice rang out Sergei and the door opened. - New Year? The door opens immediately after pressing to the call. This is such a new fool. But I couldn’t utter a word as I looked looking at her sweetheart, as if spellbound. - Seryozha! My God, I finally did it I will reprimand. - What did you do with your hair- who? - Get to work! - he was surprised. - You yourself She said that long hair spoils me. Here we gogot a haircut. And so that every week then don’t run to the hairdresser, then cut his hair as short as a barber's Hershey typewriter was enough. “Listen,” I said. - And even for me I like it. It turns out you have such a forehead tall. And the head is quite noble forms. - What does “the head of a noble woman” mean? forms"? - Sergei became interested. “Well...” I started to explain, but I suddenly realized that the essence of this phrase was not when I didn't understand. “In short,” she decided. I, - your head - looks at me at any price - howl. “Ah,” Sergei calmed down. - I wish I could- that's what she said. And then all of them are some form, forms. Whatever forms there are, that is what they are. Then I suddenly noticed him clothes. - Seryozha! Why did you put a butterfly on your T-shirt? chained? - Why? - he was shy. - I wanted dress up for your arrival. You're everything complaining that I dress somehow wrong. That's yesterdayI bought a butterfly specially. Right yeah cool? “Well, yes,” I answer somewhat confused. I. - But why did you put it on a T-shirt? “Excuse me,” he suddenly became angry. he. - We don’t have tailcoats or smoking suits. We from simple, small-scale ones. I don't understand - Why are you carping? The T-shirt is white. Here if I put a bow tie on a black T-shirt, then the claims would be quite natural - us. - No, Seryozha, don’t worry! Everything is in in a row! - I hurried, afraid that he I wasn't completely offended. - I was just I'm pleasantly surprised by your new look. By the way, now you look very much like a priest from "Mummies"... “I don’t remember such a game,” he muttered gloomily. Sergei, still sulking. “Okay,” I said. - You are now - he looks like Duke Nukem (I like his daddy) monstered). - And you are the spitting image of Larisa Croft, - why- Sergei was completely offended. - What movie is this from? - I didn’t understand.- This is from the program “Good night, ma-” “You’re welcome,” Sergei answered sarcastically. - Listen, Seryozha, first of all, I still I've been standing on the threshold for a while now. Secondly - if you aren't you going to help me do my homework? her task, I’d better leave. - Oh, sorry, you really started talking to me with those butterflies and hairstyles. Come in, of course,” and he opened the door wide. The apartment, oddly enough, was early. In his own way, of course, because all the pieces of iron were dumped in one pile and covered with a sheet. But according to the chairs and armchairs lam they weren't lying around, so at least I was don't worry about your clothes. - Do you want to eat? - in a high-society tone asked Sergei. - What do you have? - asked innocently I. The question, as was obvious, caught him taken by surprise. - Well, there are dumplings, - Sergey raised eyes to the ceiling. - Only I them, in my opinion, I bought it last year. ABOUT! There are sausages! Will you have some sausages? Now I defrost them quickly Let's eat, and we'll find a couple of cans of beer for a side dish.-Where are you going to defrost them? - I asked. - You don’t have microwaves. “Take it easy,” Sergei said contentedly. - A real programmer will always find where defrost the sausages. I have the third one Pentium. - And what? - I didn’t understand. - And the fact that it heats up like the last one infection. It's not just sausages, it's the bull can be defrosted. - You know, Seryozha, there’s something I don’t really want. eat. Let's better practice Excel- ohm “As you say,” Sergei answers, and then turns on the computer. “Listen,” I say, looking carefully on the loading process. -And your beloved Lee- Nux is also called WindoWs`98? “No,” he winces. - Linkus yesterday dead I did something wrong with him. Yes that Windows is now installed here, but only to study the insidious plans of the enemy ha. “I understand,” I say. - It's a pity.And I do I wanted to look at this Linkus. you to me I promised to show the penguins a long time ago. “You were given these penguins,” he gets angry. he. - Did you come to visit or to the zoo? “To visit, to visit,” I reassure him. - Launch Excel. Sergei tinkers with the computer for a while yuter, then the sign appears on the screen My picture with Excel. - Well? - speaks somewhat arrogantly he. - What is not clear to you? How the file was opened what? “Come on,” I’m even offended. - Are you taking me for a complete fool? I don't it is clear how to use in different calculations assign a constant value to one of the cells and how to take cell values from another sheet - ta. - A-a-a-a-a, in this sense you... - go- Sergei says and thinks for a long time. - Well and what's the problem? You take it and substitute it cell address in all calculations. - That's understandable. But if I need to copy to create the formula, then the address of the constant cell is ki is changing. And I need him tonot me- I struggled when transferring formulas. - Is he really changing? - under- he asks trustingly. - The age of the computer cannot be seen! - swore I. “It’s strange,” says Sergei. - Maybe it is necessary to somehow explicitly indicate that it does not got excited. - Of course you need to indicate! - I'm starting I'm angry. - So I’m asking you - what? should I indicate? - How should I know? - in turn Sergei is angry. - I'm a programmer! I'm es- If something needs to be calculated, a program is written, instead of using your moronic Excel, which, when transferring formulas, the address itself is nope. - My moronic Excel? - I explode. - This is all your moronic computer. Because of I started studying you all this stuff, and now it turns out to be my retarded Ex- cel. - You also say that it’s my fault, that DeBill Excel is missing something somewhere so bears it! - already yelling at the top of his voice Sergey.- Who is to blame for this? Am I to blame? - Well, it’s not me, that’s for sure! - Sergei is yelling so that the image on the monitor begins tremble. - You know, honey, I think I’ll go, - I say, jumping up from the chair and heading I head to the door. - Just wait, Ir, we haven’t even started to study, - still yelling out of inertia Sergey. - We have already worked out quite enough - but, - I declare in a high-society tone I say: - Thank you, honey. You are very important to me helped. With these words I disappear out the door. Sni- Granny's ears are on guard as always. - What's happened? - the most interested persistent. - Why were you yelling there? a herd of bison meeting a steam locomotive? - Did homework on programming roving, - I explain. “I see,” says another granny. - And we thought you were thereethics and psycho- You study the logic of family life. It hurts too much it seems. “It’s too early for me to get married,” he said decisively. I'm stealing. - I'm afraid there will be a lot of disappointments - roving. “Don’t be afraid,” the third one reassures. granny. - There will still be disappointments an order of magnitude more than you think. Yes that relax and get ready for the inevitable... mu. “Thank you,” I answer. - You make me very reassured. With these words I go home, along the way, hitting all the lampposts with my bag. They, of course, are not to blame for anything, but I need to take my anger out on something. You can, of course, on daddy, but daddy He can take out his anger on whomever he wants. *** Me after a recent quarrel how many days maintained her character, so Sergei didn’t called. I'm tired of him. I run after him like the cursor is behind the mouse, and he keeps getting annoyed, yells... However, it has already become clear what the essence of his nervous state. Ran- she when I'm inthere was no boom in computers boom, it was very easy for Sergei to build from yourself as a kind of computer genius, quit all sorts of tricky phrases and feel compared to me - the navel of the earth. But then, when I began to understand at least something in all these sophisticated pieces of hardware and software wow, it turned out that my little one is not like that already special. More precisely, a specialist, but in his own fins. And he can’t always tell me explain some unclear points in Excel, Word, Access and others. Case It's not that the guy is completely stupid. Just he never with these custom pro- grams did not work. He's a programmer. Of course, I realized that if he needed bets, he will master it all with half a poke, but Sergei is too impatient, so he doesn’t want to figure it out, but he wants immediately show yourself to me as a know-it-all coy. But it doesn’t work. That's why he's annoying Yes. But I love it just the way it is, because I know that he is talented. And if there is to be in my sensitive friendly hands, I'll make him such a professional - everyone will just rock. Yes, and it’s necessary nogo. Make him dress decently teach you to eat not only beer and cigarettes retami and form a little so that he could carry on an off-computer conversation decent society. For a smart girl like me - this is quite accordingforces. More than a week has passed, but my beloved calls to no one. I'm certainly a character I can stand it, but I have to do it every day It's getting harder and harder. Finally it rings my beloved. The voice is gloomy, like elephant during safari. “Hai,” he says. - Hello, Seryozha, - officially from - I say, thus making it clear that in our relationship has not yet melted some ice. “In general,” he says, “it’s... here... - What is “this”? - I don’t understand. - Well, - Sergey keeps thinking, - in short, here. “Sergei,” I answer. - Don't say riddles. This makes me nervous. What's happened? Is it really your favorite computer? died the death of the brave in an unequal struggle with Bill Gates? “Oh,” he gets scared. - Pip you under language so that he will never believe again I tried to assume this.- Well then, tell me what’s the matter, - lightly - I'm starting to get irritated. - And then we all- Are you reading something inarticulate... Come on Well, share the members. Not small. “In short,” he decides, “I propose you should marry me. “Oh,” I was slightly stunned. - What about you? - are you going to have sex reassignment surgery? - Why is this still the case? - he doesn’t understand. - Because, honey! You're over the terminology think about it! To marry means to take a wife woman. To get married means to go under crown with a man. For-husband Understood? So clarify your unexpected offer. - Ugh, damn it, I'm completely confused, - th- says Sergei. - It can be seen. - Marry me. Understood? For - husband! - So this, dear, means that you are you offering me your hand and heart? - continued I press to pull it out of him, as if with pincers. -So, a clear stump, - confirms Ser- gay. - What is unclear here? Ir, it's you I was always quick to think. Except, of course, the computer, - immediately let- he drops the pin. - Why are you suddenly getting married? zobralo? - I ask, dissatisfied complete lack of romance in such an important nom conversation. “Well, we’ll get on with our lives,” thoughtfully he answers. - Well? - You will take care of me, - no- Sergei says correctly. - So. Further. - You will cook scrambled eggs, fry borscht. - Well, I'm listening. - AND FINALLY GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT ALL THESE DAMN GRANNY! - unexpectedly my beloved explodes. “Wait,” I get scared. - What kind of such grannies? - Such grannies! - yellsSergey. - From my home. which you asked to take patronage over me. They've been boss for a week now They're in trouble, the youngsters suck. I'm already alive just no. Do what you want! Marry me, get married, adopt, but only get this guy out of the apartment. I'm already on I'm delaying submitting the program for a week. Yes I'll soon lose all my clients. - Wait, can you really explain what? is happening,” I say, confused, but he, not listening, he yelled: - Come and admire what you're looking at - I did,” and hung up. Get to work, I think. I wonder what happening there? I quickly got ready, ran to him. On the street near the entrance, Oddly enough, there is only one mischievous one sitting granny who talks to me I didn’t want to join. I run upstairs like a bullet and I stop dumbfounded at his door apartment... In front of the door lies a clean a rug made from sewn together other mouse pads, and on the door there is a sits a neat sign on which accu- It is written in an old woman’s military handwriting: Incoming chat request - 1 call Here is the ar yu veiting for - 2 bells Vivisector Seryozha - 3 calls Well, I think the old ladies got down to business with with all responsibility. I call three times Sergei opens the door. God! Which one is he in? sight! Just Pavlik Morozov at that moment, when they made a sculpture from him for a very high school. Dressed in incredible white a shirt so starched that it looks he can only go straight because his head in a standing collar lies like a banana in kefir bottle. For dark trousers such arrows are pointed that my beloved reminiscent of two Titanics at once, both icebergs walking left and right. - Wow! - I say, unable to cope. give with feelings. - Is that all you can tell me? - Sergei sadly answers. - You better get- go to the apartment, come in. I'm wondering how- what exclamations will come to you when you see the chaos reigning within. I go into the apartment... Oh God! Granny-ki, apparently, were madly homesick for work for the benefit of society. The rooms are simple don't know! Everything is licked and cleaned. Tables covered with some kind of endless napkin- mi and towels with frills. Gender is not The apartment, as it turns out, has parquet. I don’t know what the grannies rubbed it with, but I immediately felt like Natasha Rosto- howl at the ball. It's easy to go into the kitchen scary. Pots and pans shine the sink has been washed so that you can even know what color her bottom was at the moment exit from the conveyor. - Did you see it? - Sergei groaned to the dying man voice. - Look at the computer, computer! I looked... It's crazy! Monitor on- covered with a lace napkin, and on it a hundred yat seven elephants... - Elephants! - Sergei yelled, couldn’t stand it. zhav. - Gates, fuck them! On my monitor elephants are worth it! “Well, elephants,” confirmed one of them. grannies who swarmed in abundance around apartment, constantly cleaning something and rubbing. - Why don’t you like elephants? They bring happiness. “Ir,” he said gloomilySergey. - Do it whatever you want, but so that this bad dream stopped immediately. Otherwise I'll have to burn this apartment together with you and your gurgles. I don't see any other way out yet. “Wait,” I say. - Why are you doing this? got nervous? Look at the order all around. Are you really not pleased? A We'll put the elephants on the printer... - What the hell is the order? - Ser shouted - gay. - Look what they did? - with With these words he pulled out the desk drawer. I I carefully looked in there, but nothing special. I didn’t see the guy. A pile of memory scarves, neatly secured with an elastic band. - And what? - I asked carefully. - Re- the patch on the board suffocates and does not allow easy breathing to wander? “Very funny,” Sergei said nervously. - Do you remember how I had them? “Of course I remember,” I answer. - In groups on the chair. I have sat on them several times las. “That’s it,” Sergei yelled again. - In bunches! Sorted by size! Three heaps - 16, 32 and 64 megabytes each. And ba- bulks dumped them all inone! How do I te- Let me figure it out - where is what size? on them it’s not written! “Seryozha,” I say carefully. - But you can check it. “Of course you can,” he answers angrily. he. - Now I’ll give up everything and be all day memory check. I have other things to do no way to check memory. My God, - here he raised his eyes to the sky, - I have Everything was thought out before! You sit on chair, memory sinks into jeans, you get up, remove the 16-megagram memory from right buttock, 32-mega - from the left, and 64 mega hangs exactly on the tailbone. Even no need to think! - here he almost cried. “Come on, Seryozha,” I reassure him I. - Do you want me to go around the apartment again? I'll scatter, how was it? - Yeah, you’ll scatter it, - from some nursery He answers with resentment in his voice. - Are you still I didn’t see the main thing. Let's go to the kitchen. On there's a huge sausage hanging on the kitchen wall a stocking stuffed with something incomprehensible. - What is this? - I ask. - Onion, what? My grandmother has onions and garlic stores.“Onion...” Sergei groaned. - This is a video and network cards! The grannies have made friends, Here we are! How can I get them from there now? Tanu? - and he began to swing from side to side - we aside, as a system administrator during the installation of WindoWs`NT (Sergey told me showed this picture, made inex- famous artist of the twentieth century). Then I realized that the situation was urgent take control, otherwise my out of grief, he will commit some kind of violence Lie over yourself or the grannies... I quickly I quickly gathered the grannies for formation, declared gratitude on behalf of the command Vania, thanked for the service and said, that now the conquered territory has passed falls under the jurisdiction of the permanent contingent ta - i.e. me. Grannies are quite noisy they were playing around, they started chattering vying with each other, boasting about his furniture exploits in the field bringing the bear's den to the divine view The fastest one said that they are the They will come three times a week from now on. At the same time, from the side of the kitchen, where he remained Sergei, bitter sobs were heard. In general, I barely managed to persuade grannies leave the battlefield and not appear here until I call them. Finally, after the ice grandma left the apartment and slammed She pulled the door behind her. “Seryozha,” I said carefully. - Well You never know what problems there are in life. We'll endure it. Together we can endure it. Even this cleaning. Don't be upset. He really slowly began to calm down, and when I tore the napkin off the monitor, I put the elephants on the printer and turned it on computer, even smiled faintly. “You know,” he said trustingly, “ if we put aside the mass of all sorts of non- amenities, even in such a clean apartment somehow it’s easier to breathe. I immediately want a job work, work, work... - and with these with words my faithful launched on his computer game "Half Life". *** [to be continued] -------------------------------------------------------
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