NOTES OF A PROGRAMMER'S WIFE
(Continued. Starts in issue 4)
(C) 1999 Alex Exler WWW.exler.ru
-------------------------------------------------------
Of course, at least a week has passed,
before my daddy was worthy of
start working on the computer with me.
However, I didn’t expect anything else
because I have known him since childhood. From my own
childhood, of course. Since his childhood pa-
Mommy knows the bullet. That's what she says,
that I would never marry daddy for-
husband, if not for one event. The point is
that they have known each other since kindergarten.
And their families knew each other since childhood
my grandparents' gardens on both sides
sides And mommy and daddy just
It was written in my family to get married. By
at least both families really want this
whether. Therefore, mommy and daddy with children
The two people hated each other. Daddy lu-
drank mommy with pantyhose, mommy complained
attacked the teacher's daddy, after
Why did they put the daddy in for ten minutes?
angle. From there he came out even more embittered.
lazy and already beating mommyleggings.
She complained again and daddy was put in
the angle is already fifteen minutes, which is why
he became even more embittered. Towards the end
Kindergarten dad spent in corner 10
out of 12 o'clock, and mommy was all blue,
because daddy was already hitting her with wooden
horses.
At school they studied in the same class, and
mommy never allowed daddy to
write her off. Only for money (this
she has retained the habit even now.) Therefore
Dad learned how to earn money since childhood
to buy knowledge. Daddy,
By the way, he's not a fool at all, he just has
brains were directed in the wrong direction, and
in a regular school it was cramped for him. And mommy-
ka - on the contrary, she studied well at school,
after which she graduated from college with honors
diploma, which helped her a lot in the future
our role as a housewife.
They hated each other all through school. B
in elementary school, daddy whipped
classmates, in secondary - for a girl -
we are in the yard, in the older ones - behind the young one
biological. Mommy is at school
didn’t show anything on the love front, but
in the tenth grade I became more or less proficient
stately inclined to accept signs of attention already
a middle-aged physical education teacher, whom
name was Leva. I suspect that she did
it's out of spitedaddy, but now there’s nothing to-
it’s impossible to say, and mummy is even in charge
there are no emotional conversations.
But one day in the tenth grade something happened
there was one story that influenced the whole
further course of events. The point is that in
Dad and Mom's school was a saint
tradition: before final exams
10th graders chose from their ranks
several best representatives who
went to beat the athlete Leva for
insatiable interest in their classmates. This
there was an old and good tradition that
honored by all the tenth graders. And even Le himself
I honored her too, because every year
inserted new teeth into himself.
This year three people were selected.
The three best representatives from two classes
owls Led a team of "angels of death"
(as the tenth grade class pompously called her)
sniki) Vova, nicknamed Badger. Wow wow-
the whole school was stinging because it was the only
a proud man who was kicked out
training in karate for beating up Sen-
sowing Vova weighed 150 kilograms at height
under two meters, and he didn’t need knowledge
martial arts to give someone
something along the neck. Next on the team was
Max, nicknamed Nightmare. He was very
thin and frail, but first of all, you can’t live without him
there was no costone event, second
- in a frail body was enclosed such
fighting spirit that even Vo-
va. Plus he could scream like a firefighter
team extinguishing a herd of March cats.
And the third one they chose was my daddy. He was
quite well developed physically (ma-
Mulka says that he is still healthy,
like a hippopotamus; because only with this
health, like daddy’s, ma- considers
Mulka, you can ferment all night in the bathhouse, and
I also have to go to work in the morning), but
That's not why he was chosen. Just
daddy, a good half of the tenth graders
owed money, but he said that if
If he is elected, he will forgive everyone’s debts.
A fifth-grader returned from reconnaissance,
who reported that Leva was sitting in physical education
tour hall, after which the "angels of death"
set off to fulfill our sacred
duty, accompanied by the blessings of husbands
half of the tenth grades and counter-
vocal sighs of the female half.
The close-knit team moved along the path
to the gym. Papulkina-mum-
Kina's school was a typical
three-story building, where the main building connects
moose with assembly and sports hall
a narrow passage. But as soon as "angel-
ly" entered the transition, at the other end
an alarmed figure suddenly appearedLeva. How he found out about the campaign - until now
unknown. Either in the camp of tenth graders
the snake of betrayal snuck in, and within a few
Verku in the year some scoundrel post-
pitched the athlete to the knowledge (to me
it hurts to think that it could be a girl
ka), or Leve’s heart (or some other
some part of the body) suggested that he
now THEY WILL BEAT! The situation was critical
cheskaya Driven into a corner, Leva was able to
ben for everything, especially since he has his own
There were three or four teeth left. But "an-
"Gels" were not going to retreat. Daddy
quickly took command (he was still
since childhood he loved to give orders, like a caustic
Mommy noted carefully), put Bar-
bitch on the left, he stood up on the right, frail Kosh-
Marika was placed in the middle, grappling
hands and began to wait for the approach of physical education
horizontal bar
Leva quickly assessed the situation and realized that
there is, in fact, nowhere to retreat, because
behind - only the gym, quickly
made a decision and rushed straight to the devil
terrible trinity. Daddy told me
that no one flinched at the sight of Leva, rushing
right at them. Only a Nightmare something
squealed and began to twitch in the iron ru-
kah daddy and badger. Of course, just like
suggested daddy, Leva chose the most
the most vulnerable link in the defensive chain,so he hit Koshmarik with his whole body.
He fell and yelled at the whole school: “Kill-i-i-
and-or, they killed Max, scoundrels,” after which
completely unexpectedly bit Leva with his teeth
in the thigh and began to shake his head as if
Rabbit Bull Terrier (only at this moment
daddy appreciated the wisdom of the tenth grader
kov who chose Nightmare for this
difficult mission). Leva didn't expect this
turn of events, so I pulled my leg out
terrible teeth and ran back screaming
to the gym.
Now there was nowhere to rush, so
the trio headed after Leva,
calmly and clearly typing the step. We came to the
Lu, which, of course, turned out to be closed
you're on the key. “Badger, please,” - neg-
Daddy said romko, after which Badger
He raised his foot and knocked politely on the door.
The door fell. At the other end of the hall one could see
Lev, who rushed along the Swedish
walls.
“A nightmare,” he said in an iron voice.
daddy. - Stand at the door and stand there on-
death.
“Don’t be afraid,” answered Nightmare, before
free with his recent feat. - If
he'll try to poke his head in here, I know for him
where will I grab it?Daddy looked at Nightmare with interest.
catfish, but didn’t say anything, just said
he patted his classmate on the chest,
Why did he cough? After this Badger and
Papulka moved towards Leva. That one
he began to rush about even more, and began to climb
on the Swedish wall, then get off it,
Tom wanted to open the window, but he
nothing worked out. Then suddenly he accepted
some kind of solution and, quickly going through the
kami, climbed the rope to the very top.
“Listen,” the Badger asked thoughtfully.
daddy. - What about the Swedes with such walls?
live? It's blowing.
“The devil only knows,” he answered absentmindedly.
daddy, thinking about something completely different. -
Listen, Badger, how can we pull him down?
“It’s your job to think,” he explained.
Badger. - You drive it downstairs for me, and then
- my problems.
Papulka thoughtfully walked up to the rope,
took it with both hands and several times
shook it hard.
- I’ll give everyone, everyone, everyone fives! B
year! - Leva squealed from above, but did not
fell.
- Maybe set it on fire? - asked uncertainly
Badger.
“It will burn for a long time,” explained Pa.
bullet. - Someone else will come running. And for us
I'd like to quickly knock out a couple of his teeth and
get out of here.
“Well, let me try then,” he said.
Badger, spat on his palms, grabbed him by the
rope, pulled sharply and...
The rope couldn’t bear Leva’s weight and well done -
who is the Badger's jerk, so he came off
somewhere near the ceiling and together with Leva
flew down to the mats. Leva gives a hard smack-
fell on the mat, said a bad word and
quiet
“Well, Leva,” daddy said affectionately,
- We give you the opportunity to choose.
We are not animals. Two teeth of your choice
one - at Badger's choice. Decide faster
otherwise we don’t have much time.
- It's time for us to go to the library! - unexpectedly
Nightmare squeaked from the door. And si-
the situation, meanwhile, was a dead end. Pa-
pulka understood that Badger was lying and
the pathetic Lev will not be beaten, and he himself -
even more so. I had to get out somehow
this situation, but daddy didn’t know how.Suddenly the door to the trainer's room opened,
Mommy appeared from there and said:
- Well, Levchik, did you get what you deserved?
It's high time.
Daddy was completely speechless.
“And you,” he became furious, “what are you
what are you doing here?
“I’m filling out the magazine,” looking with hatred
on Leva, explained the mother. - To
I got a B for the year. I'm the whole four-
I never went to physical education.
And then daddy felt such a surge of roar-
disgusted that he grabbed Leva by the breasts, disgusted
the shaft from the mats and hit him right in the jaw.
Leva fell, but suddenly jumped up and fell
bullet in the jaw. Daddy fell. badger
started swinging, but he did it to us
only slowly that I received from Leva go-
caught in the stomach, bent over and also fell, and
Leva rushed to the side with goat jumps.
well, the doors, where Nightmare is, sensing evil,
grabbed both doors with his hands and feet
and howled:
- Don't run on me! Don't run!
It didn't help him. Leva demolished the Nightmare-
ka, like a feather, and rushed off into the unknown
nom even for himself in the direction. Pa-
pulka lay spread out on the mats, and
a huge lump stood out on his cheekbone.
“You made a great trip to Levka,” said Ma-
Mulka, for the first time in her life looking at pa-
bullet with interest.
“Otherwise,” daddy answered contentedly. -
He won't bother our girls.
“Whoa,” panted Badger. - Well, if
if I had time to swing, he would not only
girls, didn’t even bother boys
as far as the nursing home.
- You should have been quicker, Badger, - under-
His mother pricked him. - Until you swing -
Xia, a new leaf has already been opened on the calendar.
we have to go.
The badger perked up, but the mother stopped
pay attention to him, but began to
put copper coins in Papulkin's
nodule. He shone like the Sun over Zimbab-
ve, and looked triumphantly at Badger.
Finally, first aid was provided,
Daddy and Badger raised Nightmare,
knocked the dust out of him, and all four together
went to class to report on
poorresults of the crusade.
And then... Next is mommy and daddy
got married. So I say that mommy
knows him much better than me, but even I
I understood that a lot of time would pass,
before daddy has sex with me
pom. Oh, I got into a conversation today
not a joke. It's time to go on business
and tomorrow I’ll definitely force daddy to
work out with me. He's nowhere from me
will get away. I know the magic phrase: “Papul-
ka! Do you want me to tell mom-
ke about how you..."
***
Oh! It's finished! Finally! Daddy is able to
managed to work on the computer with my
his only (he hopes) daughter.
This epoch-making event took place yesterday
ra, exactly after the end of the first century
black dinner (daddy usually has two of them
or three: the first happens immediately after
returning home from work, the second - where-
then before bed, and the third - when daddy
gets up at night, opens the refrigerator and dusts
hiding from there to get some food, dropping
pans and waking up the whole house).
Daddy got his fill, drank a glass
red wine, came to a complacenton-
building and just sat down in another
time to torment your Lines, how I caught the mo-
cop and attacked the wild cat daddy
coy.
- Dad! - I said in a stern voice. -
We had some agreement between
other things. And by the way, this agreement-
the event took place almost two weeks ago
ass “It saddens me to think,” I added.
los alarmed notes - that my pa-
Pulka violates his agreements. Somehow
the child (I mean myself) will have
feeling of insecurity about one's own parentage
body What could be worse?
- What, daughter, what is it? - alarmed
daddy. - Do I really refuse? Nothing
similar. But you saw: daddy on
I was very busy that week, so I didn’t
I was able to give my daughter the necessary attention.
“Well, yes,” I said sarcastically. - Was
busy. I know how and where you were busy.
Three times that week in preference with
I played as chief accountant.
- Hello, moral commission! - said pa-
bullet, immediately going wild. - From me, if you
I don’t know yet, there’s your mommy. And me
Her instructions are quite enough, we drank
vanities and nightly moralization. Sowhat
Finish your complaints for me here. Boo
you want to do computer work - now and
Let's start. If you want to read morals, go to your
room and read them to the TV, otherwise he
started to show something bad.
“And I didn’t mind, dad,” I hurried.
- I want to study computers. Which one do I need
does it matter what you're playing?
“That’s it,” said Papulik and immediately
calmed down. - So, daughter, let's get started.
first lesson. Computer, daughter, sos-
consists of the following items: TV,
which we call a monitor, a keyboard
ry, which we call "Klava" and mice,
which we call a mouse.
“I understand,” I said. - TV on-
we call it a monitor, we call it a keyboard
Keyboard (I already learned this word from
Sergei), and we call the mouse a mouse.
“Well done,” said daddy. - Well,
Is it enough for the first time?
“I don’t understand,” I said in Bru’s voice.
sa Willis. - It seems to me, dad, that you
you want to ditch me like an old girl
sister.
“Listen,” answered daddy nervously, “
no need to talk toquote me
their idiotic films. This annoys me
reaps. Either we continue to study, or I will
work.
“We’ll move on,” she said firmly.
I. - By the way, what is the name of this se-
heaven box?
- What gray box? - didn’t get it
daddy.
“This one,” and I pointed to the box,
where the hoses from the keyboards and mice ran.
- Well, so, this... this is the computer,
- said daddy, somewhat confused -
shi.
“Ah-ah-ah,” I said respectfully. -
You mean it! Now everything is clear.
- Well, mother, you give, - even somehow...
Daddy said scared. - What a wild one
grayness? For the first time in my life, a computer vi-
Are you kidding me or what?
“Not the first,” I said firmly, remembering
bypassing the scenes in Sergei’s house, which
I would prefer not to remember. - But where am I from?
I know that this is exactly what a computer is.
I always thought that the computer was where
screen.“No, she’s definitely just like her mother,” parted her hair.
Daddy shook it under his breath and was already loud
continued in a voice. - So, daughter, this one
The gray bandura is the computer. Now I
I'll turn it off and then we'll figure out how it goes
the matter starts, - with these words pa-
the bullet quickly made some manipulations -
tions and the monitor went dark.
- The computer, daughter, turns on here
button, - said daddy, drowned his finger -
here is a gray button on the computer, and the screen
caught fire again.
- And it’s probably the same thing that turns off - before-
I wondered, pressed the same button, and
the screen went dark again. Daddy hiccupped
surprises and for some reason became indignant:
- Ale! Daughter! Where are you going with your fingers?
are you procrastinating without the teacher's permission? Computer
It doesn't even turn off like that.
- Why is this? - I was surprised. - Lu-
All devices are turned on with one toggle switch and
turn off.
“But not a computer,” said daddy. -
That is, if there were no
operating system, then you could
turn off with the same button, but it has,
- daddy is hereraised his eyes reverently
to it, - the greatest operating system under the
calling Windows, which can turn off
the computer is more competent than just this
button.
“I don’t understand,” I said. - What does it mean
- more competent? Itself from the socket
pulls it out, or what?
“No,” said daddy. - Well, as it were
explain to you? To turn off the computer
yuter, you need to perform the following sequence
Activity: press the button
"Start", select "Shut down", and in
Select "Turn off computer"
then press Enter.
- Nevermind! - I was indignant. - And
is this called "more competent"? And with diamonds
run around the computer while doing this
no need?
“Sometimes you need to,” said daddy and
I was a little sad about something. - Okay, -
he said. - Turn on the computer and study
further,” with these words he again
fork on the power button.
The computer screen flickered,
some numbers, then something on it for a long time
was happening, and then it fell out on the screen
some messagein English.
“You see,” said daddy and
noticeably nervous. - I'm under construction at work
they were strictly warned to turn it off
you always need a car the way I tell you
said. And you with your playful finger
poked where it shouldn't, that's the problem -
feathers arose. What should I do? How am I in
Will I play Lines?
“It’s okay for you to be nervous,” she said.
la I reassuringly. - If anything, Sergey
will help. Do you want me to call him?
- Well, call, of course, - he completely freaked out -
Xia daddy. - You see, the computer is not for-
is loading.
Sergei, fortunately, was not sitting in his
Internet, so I called very
quickly.
“Sergey,” I shouted into the phone, even
without saying hello. - We have a computer here
It asks some question and doesn’t load.
- What question? - asked displeased
Sergei, who before my call was clearly weak
slept for a day. - Is there life on Mars?
- Not really! - I said joyfully. - He
says that some kind of
errorand asks whether to correct her or
no.
- Of course, an error was detected, - satisfied -
Sergei said forcefully. - This error is called -
It is installed in WindoWs`95. It needs to be corrected
your computer.
- So what should we do?
- Tell her to fix it, - commando -
val Sergey.
- He says to correct it, - re-
I gave it to daddy.
- And what? - Dad went completely wild. -
What should I do?
- What should we do? - I screamed into the phone.
- Damn, press Enter, - in your
Sergei was indignant. - What are you doing there?
do you work out at all? You have to think with your head
mother, and not the sciatic nerve.
- Damn, you need to press Enter, - commanded -
I gave it to my daddy, wisely skipping
a note on the sciatic nerve. Pa-
bullet pressed Enter, the computer is still mi-
five o’clock grunted something of his own, and then
Papulka's favorite clouds were loading.- Hurray! - Daddy shouted. - Here
I returned again to the fold of the Holy Catholic
what a church!
He ran his fingers quickly across the keyboard.
re, loaded my native Lines and at the same time
forgot about my existence for a moment.
- And today I have my first computer lesson.
“I got it,” I boasted to Sergei.
“Congratulations,” he said and yawned so
that I was afraid for the fate of his phone. -
Do you have any more questions for me? Otherwise you are yours
I interrupted such a wonderful dream with a call! to me
dreamed that Bill Gates went to Hell and his
surrounded by computers with Unix and half-axis.
Let me see this happiness to the end.
- Yes, and please, - I’m a little offended -
las. “Thank you for your help,” she began.
me, but this ignoramus has already hung up.
Dad, meanwhile, was playing with his Li-
nes, grunting with pleasure.
“Daddy,” I said decisively. -Mo-
Maybe we can study again today?
“It’s amazing,” answered daddy, not
taking your eyes off the screen - like some
people who were almost deprivedhis
legitimate parent of the honored
rest, there is no conscience at all.
“I got the hint,” I said sadly and
went to mommy's kitchen so that we
together we were able to mourn our share as women.
***
Time has passed. Daddy is already used to it
deals with me and devotes his whole life to
with my daughter a couple of evenings during the week
whether. I began to understand something about the computer
mother. At least a monitor with a keyboard
I don’t confuse it with viatura anymore. One day he calls
Sergey. He's been up to something lately
I started calling myself quite often. Before that-
who was not observed.
“Hello,” he says.
- Hello, dear, - soulfully
I say, trying to bring the table to life.
face in Excel.
- What are you doing? - is interested in love -
washed.
“I’m scrubbing the pots,” I explain. Co-
of course, I want to brag that I
Now I'm mastering data linking betweendifferent sheets of the Excel workbook, but
I still can’t pronounce such wise
new phrase.
“Ah,” Sergei answers and pauses for a long time.
washed.
- Well? - I continue this most interesting
conversation.
- You, this... - Sergei begins. - How
Are you having computer lessons?
- Everything is top notch. Daddy everything first
angry for a while... Well, you know that he
and he himself is not particularly advanced in computers
southern plan. It's only big in Lines
specialist, but I'm interested in several
other things. But I ask him questions,
which he cannot answer, he first
gets annoyed and swears, and then we get together
we sit down to figure it out, after which some
which is becoming clearer.
- Well done! - Sergei praises me. - More
a little, and it will be possible to be decent with you
new society to go out.
- What kind of society is this? - carefully
I'm curious.
- Well, in an Internet cafe, at a food drink...
You never know where, -says vaguely
Sergey.
I'm a little offended at first because
that Sergei quite clearly expressed his pre-
neglect of my companies, where should he be?
kid, there is no one to talk to about computers
rah. On the other hand, I myself chose that
which way, so why be offended?
- Listen, - Sergei suddenly says. -
Do they give you homework?
“Of course,” I am surprised. - Where would we go without
homework? I can say
practically only in them training and co-
toit. Last week I asked for daddy
teach me Access, he said:
"Here's your assignment for the next lesson:
master Access." Well, I mastered, os-
waived, and when I came to class, I
it turned out that daddy this Access is
In general, it’s the first time he sees it in the eyes. So I don't
I understand - I’ve gotten the hang of this Access or
no.
-Have you gotten to the heart of the matter? - by-
Sergei asks suspiciously. - For what?
Does this Access even exist?
- Well, I’m probably a complete fool!
- I answer sarcastically. - Of course, turn it on -
las. Acceesscreated to work with the database
Borei data.
“Yes,” says Sergei. - Clear. And se-
What do you have for the house today?
- Yes, I’m fiddling with Excel, if it weren’t right -
den. Daddy knows him pretty well
gave me all sorts of tasks, and I figured it out
I can't.
- Well, come to me then! - joyfully
says Sergei. - I will help you
do homework.
- Why? This is a thought, I say thoughtfully
I. - Just tidy up your place at least a little -
leg, okay?
- What are we talking about? - Sergei is offended. -
It will be clean, like in the Tretyakov Gallery.
- By the way, you know that it is being repaired
closed? - I’m interested.
- What are you talking about? - Sergei is surprised. -
Last time I was there, no
no repairs were planned.
- When was the last time you were there?
- In third grade.“I see,” I say decisively. - March
clean up, and I’ll slowly head towards you
I promise. The main thing is to have your own chairs and chairs
remove the glands. Otherwise, after your
I had to throw away my trousers during the visit. Mom
she said that it was as if pigeons had pecked me
get out.
“It’s from the video card,” he declared joyfully.
Sergei says.
- Yeah. So make sure that these vi-
deokarts and similar abominations on yours
there were no chairs lying around.
- For the sake of the look of a beautiful lady, I am ready
for any suffering, - gallantly declares
Sergey.
- Where is this from? - suspiciously right
I sew. - Have you started reading books?
“No,” explains Sergei. - This is but-
new quest has appeared. There are such phrases - at least
talk it out.
- It's clear. Okay, wait for me and I'll come.
Just wait a lot.
- Where is this from? - suspiciously right
Sergey sews. - I don’t like this kind of game
I remember. “No,” I explain. - This is from the books -
ki. There are similar phrases - at least quote them.
“Okay, I’m waiting,” says Sergei and hangs up
handset.
The same grannies are sitting at his entrance
ki.
- Greetings to the guardians of the rule of law and good-
decency, - I politely greet
(you remember that I was with the grannies at the entrance -
I never swear).
- A-a-a-a, Irka came to the vivisector, -
The grannies are happy.
“He’s not a vivisector,” I explain.
- Just a scientist.
“Yeah, scientist,” says the most gloatingly
mischievous granny. - Why did he then co-
does it suck?
- He doesn't do anything. This is his computer
Yuter yells like that.
- Well, exactly - he’s crazy, - I’m glad -
There is another granny. - Who has this?
in his right mind the computer will scream cats
day and night? Computer is for computing
ny, here.“Come on,” I say soothingly.
I. - You’d better take patronage over the guy-
whether. Otherwise he eats only bread and pi-
vom and sleeps two hours a day. Behind him
- the future of our country.
“You’ll also say the future,” they mutter.
grandmothers, but they think about it.
“What?” asks the grandmother in chintz.
robe - Does he really eat dry food?
“That’s not the right word,” I answer, feeling
as tears well up in your eyes.
“So what,” asks the same grandmother,
which, too, a tear begins to boil in
to the eye, - I don’t even eat soup every day -
yeah?
- What is it - every day - hopelessly
I wave my hand. - He never eats at all.
He doesn't even know what soup is.
“Get on with it,” the grannies are amazed.
- What about you, beauty, I wonder-
She's the most corrosive old lady. - What are you talking about?
Aren't you keeping an eye on him? Why are soups not va-
Rish?
- They don’t let me in, -I'll explain. - I'm driving
a long siege and gradually return
a guy to a normal life. But every day
I can’t come, otherwise there’s an educational
the process will go wrong. He should
spinal cord feel the difference between
my presence and absence. To
the absence weighed on my mind and stomach.
“He’s laying it out,” the granny admired.
straw hat. - And in appearance - ordinary
a smeared modern fool.
“Okay, beauty,” says the most
the main granny sitting in the center. - Shu-
go to your vivisector-dry-drinker, and
we'll think about it. Only if like last time
“Once, you scream,” she says sternly. -
You never know... Like the last time the police
We called, so we’ll call now. You don't think
May. And we won’t even look at what the district police officer
he'll be stuck there again for a few days,
like then... And the patronage of your scientist -
let's take it. It's better for us if he's always
it will be visible. So at least the house is your own -
It won't burn with blades and electronics.
“Thank you, grandmothers,” said heartfeltly.
I steal and head into the entrance. Lifting
I go to his landing, go to the door and cash in
I press the call button. You can hear some kind of clicking...
a clap and suddenly an eerie thunderous voice uttered
wears:- What are you waiting for? CHristmas?
I was numb at first, but I remembered that
last time I was also met by a mechanic
ical voice, so she quickly said
magic phrase, hoping that the door itself
will open:
- Microsoft is a must.
The door remained motionless.
- Linux rules! - hesitantly produced
I said one more of the phrases that I heard
from Sergei, but it also has no visible effect
took effect.
- Well, what are you waiting for? - a voice rang out
Sergei and the door opened. - New Year?
The door opens immediately after pressing
to the call. This is such a new fool.
But I couldn’t utter a word as I looked
looking at her sweetheart, as if spellbound.
- Seryozha! My God, I finally did it
I will reprimand. - What did you do with your hair-
who?
- Get to work! - he was surprised. - You yourself
She said that long hair spoils me.
Here we gogot a haircut. And so that every week
then don’t run to the hairdresser, then
cut his hair as short as a barber's
Hershey typewriter was enough.
“Listen,” I said. - And even for me
I like it. It turns out you have such a forehead
tall. And the head is quite noble
forms.
- What does “the head of a noble woman” mean?
forms"? - Sergei became interested.
“Well...” I started to explain, but
I suddenly realized that the essence of this phrase was not
when I didn't understand. “In short,” she decided.
I, - your head - looks at me at any price -
howl.
“Ah,” Sergei calmed down. - I wish I could-
that's what she said. And then all of them are some form,
forms. Whatever forms there are, that is what they are.
Then I suddenly noticed him
clothes.
- Seryozha! Why did you put a butterfly on your T-shirt?
chained?
- Why? - he was shy. - I wanted
dress up for your arrival. You're everything
complaining that I dress somehow wrong.
That's yesterdayI bought a butterfly specially. Right
yeah cool?
“Well, yes,” I answer somewhat confused.
I. - But why did you put it on a T-shirt?
“Excuse me,” he suddenly became angry.
he. - We don’t have tailcoats or smoking suits. We
from simple, small-scale ones. I don't understand -
Why are you carping? The T-shirt is white. Here
if I put a bow tie on a black T-shirt,
then the claims would be quite natural -
us.
- No, Seryozha, don’t worry! Everything is in
in a row! - I hurried, afraid that he
I wasn't completely offended. - I was just
I'm pleasantly surprised by your new look.
By the way, now you look very much like a priest from
"Mummies"...
“I don’t remember such a game,” he muttered gloomily.
Sergei, still sulking.
“Okay,” I said. - You are now -
he looks like Duke Nukem (I like his daddy)
monstered).
- And you are the spitting image of Larisa Croft, - why-
Sergei was completely offended.
- What movie is this from? - I didn’t understand.- This is from the program “Good night, ma-”
“You’re welcome,” Sergei answered sarcastically.
- Listen, Seryozha, first of all, I still
I've been standing on the threshold for a while now. Secondly - if you
aren't you going to help me do my homework?
her task, I’d better leave.
- Oh, sorry, you really started talking to me
with those butterflies and hairstyles. Come in,
of course,” and he opened the door wide.
The apartment, oddly enough, was
early. In his own way, of course, because
all the pieces of iron were dumped in one pile and
covered with a sheet. But according to the chairs and armchairs
lam they weren't lying around, so at least I was
don't worry about your clothes.
- Do you want to eat? - in a high-society tone
asked Sergei.
- What do you have? - asked innocently
I. The question, as was obvious, caught him
taken by surprise.
- Well, there are dumplings, - Sergey raised
eyes to the ceiling. - Only I them, in my opinion,
I bought it last year. ABOUT! There are sausages!
Will you have some sausages? Now I defrost them quickly
Let's eat, and we'll find a couple of cans of beer for a side dish.-Where are you going to defrost them?
- I asked. - You don’t have
microwaves.
“Take it easy,” Sergei said contentedly. -
A real programmer will always find where
defrost the sausages. I have the third one
Pentium.
- And what? - I didn’t understand.
- And the fact that it heats up like the last one
infection. It's not just sausages, it's
the bull can be defrosted.
- You know, Seryozha, there’s something I don’t really want.
eat. Let's better practice Excel-
ohm
“As you say,” Sergei answers, and then
turns on the computer.
“Listen,” I say, looking carefully
on the loading process. -And your beloved Lee-
Nux is also called WindoWs`98?
“No,” he winces. - Linkus yesterday
dead I did something wrong with him. Yes
that Windows is now installed here, but
only to study the insidious plans of the enemy
ha.
“I understand,” I say. - It's a pity.And I do
I wanted to look at this Linkus. you to me
I promised to show the penguins a long time ago.
“You were given these penguins,” he gets angry.
he. - Did you come to visit or to the zoo?
“To visit, to visit,” I reassure him.
- Launch Excel.
Sergei tinkers with the computer for a while
yuter, then the sign appears on the screen
My picture with Excel.
- Well? - speaks somewhat arrogantly
he. - What is not clear to you? How the file was opened
what?
“Come on,” I’m even offended. -
Are you taking me for a complete fool? I don't
it is clear how to use in different calculations
assign a constant value to one of the cells and
how to take cell values from another sheet -
ta.
- A-a-a-a-a, in this sense you... - go-
Sergei says and thinks for a long time. - Well
and what's the problem? You take it and substitute it
cell address in all calculations.
- That's understandable. But if I need to copy
to create the formula, then the address of the constant cell is
ki is changing. And I need him tonot me-
I struggled when transferring formulas.
- Is he really changing? - under-
he asks trustingly.
- The age of the computer cannot be seen! - swore
I.
“It’s strange,” says Sergei. - Maybe
it is necessary to somehow explicitly indicate that it does not
got excited.
- Of course you need to indicate! - I'm starting
I'm angry. - So I’m asking you - what?
should I indicate?
- How should I know? - in turn
Sergei is angry. - I'm a programmer! I'm es-
If something needs to be calculated, a program is written,
instead of using your moronic Excel,
which, when transferring formulas, the address itself is
nope.
- My moronic Excel? - I explode. -
This is all your moronic computer. Because of
I started studying you all this stuff, and
now it turns out to be my retarded Ex-
cel.
- You also say that it’s my fault, that
DeBill Excel is missing something somewhere
so bears it! - already yelling at the top of his voice
Sergey.- Who is to blame for this? Am I to blame?
- Well, it’s not me, that’s for sure! - Sergei is yelling
so that the image on the monitor begins
tremble.
- You know, honey, I think I’ll go, -
I say, jumping up from the chair and heading
I head to the door.
- Just wait, Ir, we haven’t even
started to study, - still yelling out of inertia
Sergey.
- We have already worked out quite enough -
but, - I declare in a high-society tone
I say: - Thank you, honey. You are very important to me
helped.
With these words I disappear out the door. Sni-
Granny's ears are on guard as always.
- What's happened? - the most interested
persistent. - Why were you yelling there?
a herd of bison meeting a steam locomotive?
- Did homework on programming
roving, - I explain.
“I see,” says another granny. -
And we thought you were thereethics and psycho-
You study the logic of family life. It hurts too much
it seems.
“It’s too early for me to get married,” he said decisively.
I'm stealing. - I'm afraid there will be a lot of disappointments -
roving.
“Don’t be afraid,” the third one reassures.
granny. - There will still be disappointments
an order of magnitude more than you think. Yes
that relax and get ready for the inevitable...
mu.
“Thank you,” I answer. - You make me very
reassured.
With these words I go home,
along the way, hitting all the lampposts with my bag.
They, of course, are not to blame for anything, but
I need to take my anger out on something.
You can, of course, on daddy, but daddy
He can take out his anger on whomever he wants.
***
Me after a recent quarrel how many days
maintained her character, so Sergei didn’t
called. I'm tired of him. I run after him like
the cursor is behind the mouse, and he keeps getting annoyed,
yells... However, it has already become clear what
the essence of his nervous state. Ran-
she when I'm inthere was no boom in computers
boom, it was very easy for Sergei to build from
yourself as a kind of computer genius, quit
all sorts of tricky phrases and feel
compared to me - the navel of the earth. But
then, when I began to understand at least something
in all these sophisticated pieces of hardware and software
wow, it turned out that my little one is not like that
already special. More precisely, a specialist, but in his own
fins. And he can’t always tell me
explain some unclear points in
Excel, Word, Access and others. Case
It's not that the guy is completely stupid. Just
he never with these custom pro-
grams did not work. He's a programmer.
Of course, I realized that if he needed
bets, he will master it all with half a poke, but
Sergei is too impatient, so
he doesn’t want to figure it out, but he wants
immediately show yourself to me as a know-it-all
coy. But it doesn’t work. That's why he's annoying
Yes. But I love it just the way it is, because
I know that he is talented. And if there is
to be in my sensitive friendly hands,
I'll make him such a professional -
everyone will just rock. Yes, and it’s necessary
nogo. Make him dress decently
teach you to eat not only beer and cigarettes
retami and form a little so that he
could carry on an off-computer conversation
decent society. For a smart girl like me -
this is quite accordingforces.
More than a week has passed, but my beloved
calls to no one. I'm certainly a character
I can stand it, but I have to do it every day
It's getting harder and harder. Finally it rings
my beloved. The voice is gloomy, like
elephant during safari.
“Hai,” he says.
- Hello, Seryozha, - officially from -
I say, thus making it clear that
in our relationship has not yet melted
some ice.
“In general,” he says, “it’s...
here...
- What is “this”? - I don’t understand.
- Well, - Sergey keeps thinking, - in short,
here.
“Sergei,” I answer. - Don't say
riddles. This makes me nervous. What's happened? Is it really your favorite computer?
died the death of the brave in an unequal struggle with
Bill Gates?
“Oh,” he gets scared. - Pip you under
language so that he will never believe again
I tried to assume this.- Well then, tell me what’s the matter, - lightly -
I'm starting to get irritated. - And then we all-
Are you reading something inarticulate... Come on
Well, share the members. Not small.
“In short,” he decides, “I propose
you should marry me.
“Oh,” I was slightly stunned. - What about you?
- are you going to have sex reassignment surgery?
- Why is this still the case? - he doesn’t understand.
- Because, honey! You're over the terminology
think about it! To marry means to take a wife
woman. To get married means to go under
crown with a man. For-husband Understood? So
clarify your unexpected offer.
- Ugh, damn it, I'm completely confused, - th-
says Sergei.
- It can be seen.
- Marry me. Understood? For -
husband!
- So this, dear, means that you
are you offering me your hand and heart? - continued
I press to pull it out of him, as if with pincers.
-So, a clear stump, - confirms Ser-
gay. - What is unclear here? Ir, it's you
I was always quick to think. Except,
of course, the computer, - immediately let-
he drops the pin.
- Why are you suddenly getting married?
zobralo? - I ask, dissatisfied
complete lack of romance in such an important
nom conversation.
“Well, we’ll get on with our lives,” thoughtfully
he answers.
- Well?
- You will take care of me, - no-
Sergei says correctly.
- So. Further.
- You will cook scrambled eggs, fry borscht.
- Well, I'm listening.
- AND FINALLY GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT
ALL THESE DAMN GRANNY! - unexpectedly
my beloved explodes.
“Wait,” I get scared. - What kind of such
grannies?
- Such grannies! - yellsSergey. -
From my home. which you asked to take
patronage over me. They've been boss for a week now
They're in trouble, the youngsters suck. I'm already alive
just no. Do what you want! Marry
me, get married, adopt, but only
get this guy out of the apartment. I'm already on
I'm delaying submitting the program for a week. Yes
I'll soon lose all my clients.
- Wait, can you really explain what?
is happening,” I say, confused, but he,
not listening, he yelled:
- Come and admire what you're looking at -
I did,” and hung up.
Get to work, I think. I wonder what
happening there? I quickly got ready,
ran to him. On the street near the entrance,
Oddly enough, there is only one mischievous one sitting
granny who talks to me
I didn’t want to join. I run upstairs like a bullet
and I stop dumbfounded at his door
apartment... In front of the door lies a clean
a rug made from sewn together
other mouse pads, and on the door there is a
sits a neat sign on which accu-
It is written in an old woman’s military handwriting:
Incoming chat request - 1 call Here is the ar yu veiting for - 2 bells
Vivisector Seryozha - 3 calls
Well, I think the old ladies got down to business with
with all responsibility. I call three times
Sergei opens the door. God! Which one is he in?
sight! Just Pavlik Morozov at that moment,
when they made a sculpture from him for a very
high school. Dressed in incredible white
a shirt so starched that it looks
he can only go straight because his head
in a standing collar lies like a banana in
kefir bottle. For dark trousers
such arrows are pointed that my beloved
reminiscent of two Titanics at once, both
icebergs walking left and right.
- Wow! - I say, unable to cope.
give with feelings.
- Is that all you can tell me? -
Sergei sadly answers. - You better get-
go to the apartment, come in. I'm wondering how-
what exclamations will come to you when you see
the chaos reigning within.
I go into the apartment... Oh God! Granny-ki, apparently, were madly homesick for
work for the benefit of society. The rooms are simple
don't know! Everything is licked and cleaned. Tables
covered with some kind of endless napkin-
mi and towels with frills. Gender is not
The apartment, as it turns out, has parquet.
I don’t know what the grannies rubbed it with, but
I immediately felt like Natasha Rosto-
howl at the ball. It's easy to go into the kitchen
scary. Pots and pans shine
the sink has been washed so that you can even
know what color her bottom was at the moment
exit from the conveyor.
- Did you see it? - Sergei groaned to the dying man
voice. - Look at the computer,
computer!
I looked... It's crazy! Monitor on-
covered with a lace napkin, and on it a hundred
yat seven elephants...
- Elephants! - Sergei yelled, couldn’t stand it.
zhav. - Gates, fuck them! On my monitor
elephants are worth it!
“Well, elephants,” confirmed one of them.
grannies who swarmed in abundance around
apartment, constantly cleaning something and
rubbing. - Why don’t you like elephants?
They bring happiness.
“Ir,” he said gloomilySergey. - Do it
whatever you want, but so that this bad dream
stopped immediately. Otherwise I'll have to
burn this apartment together with you and your
gurgles. I don't see any other way out yet.
“Wait,” I say. - Why are you doing this?
got nervous? Look at the order
all around. Are you really not pleased? A
We'll put the elephants on the printer...
- What the hell is the order? - Ser shouted -
gay. - Look what they did? - with
With these words he pulled out the desk drawer. I
I carefully looked in there, but nothing special.
I didn’t see the guy. A pile of memory scarves,
neatly secured with an elastic band.
- And what? - I asked carefully. - Re-
the patch on the board suffocates and does not allow easy breathing
to wander?
“Very funny,” Sergei said nervously.
- Do you remember how I had them?
“Of course I remember,” I answer. - In groups
on the chair. I have sat on them several times
las.
“That’s it,” Sergei yelled again. -
In bunches! Sorted by size! Three
heaps - 16, 32 and 64 megabytes each. And ba-
bulks dumped them all inone! How do I te-
Let me figure it out - where is what size? on them
it’s not written!
“Seryozha,” I say carefully. - But
you can check it.
“Of course you can,” he answers angrily.
he. - Now I’ll give up everything and be all
day memory check. I have other things to do
no way to check memory. My God, -
here he raised his eyes to the sky, - I have
Everything was thought out before! You sit on
chair, memory sinks into jeans,
you get up, remove the 16-megagram memory from
right buttock, 32-mega - from the left, and
64 mega hangs exactly on the tailbone. Even
no need to think! - here he almost
cried.
“Come on, Seryozha,” I reassure
him I. - Do you want me to go around the apartment again?
I'll scatter, how was it?
- Yeah, you’ll scatter it, - from some nursery
He answers with resentment in his voice. - Are you still
I didn’t see the main thing. Let's go to the kitchen. On
there's a huge sausage hanging on the kitchen wall
a stocking stuffed with something incomprehensible.
- What is this? - I ask. - Onion,
what? My grandmother has onions and garlic
stores.“Onion...” Sergei groaned. - This is a video
and network cards! The grannies have made friends,
Here we are! How can I get them from there now?
Tanu? - and he began to swing from side to side -
we aside, as a system administrator
during the installation of WindoWs`NT (Sergey told me
showed this picture, made inex-
famous artist of the twentieth century).
Then I realized that the situation was urgent
take control, otherwise my
out of grief, he will commit some kind of violence
Lie over yourself or the grannies... I quickly
I quickly gathered the grannies for formation,
declared gratitude on behalf of the command
Vania, thanked for the service and said,
that now the conquered territory has passed
falls under the jurisdiction of the permanent contingent
ta - i.e. me. Grannies are quite noisy
they were playing around, they started chattering vying with each other,
boasting about his furniture exploits in the field
bringing the bear's den to the divine
view The fastest one said that they are the
They will come three times a week from now on.
At the same time, from the side of the kitchen, where he remained
Sergei, bitter sobs were heard.
In general, I barely managed to persuade
grannies leave the battlefield and not appear
here until I call them. Finally, after
the ice grandma left the apartment and slammed
She pulled the door behind her.
“Seryozha,” I said carefully. - Well
You never know what problems there are in life.
We'll endure it. Together we can endure it. Even this
cleaning. Don't be upset. He really
slowly began to calm down, and
when I tore the napkin off the monitor,
I put the elephants on the printer and turned it on
computer, even smiled faintly.
“You know,” he said trustingly, “
if we put aside the mass of all sorts of non-
amenities, even in such a clean apartment
somehow it’s easier to breathe. I immediately want a job
work, work, work... - and with these
with words my faithful launched on his
computer game "Half Life".
***
[to be continued]
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