Traffic Police Officer Day. (C) Anton Blagoveshchensky ------------------------------------------------------- Recently, traffic inspectors they began to speak in banknotes... Hurray! It's finished! In our family now a new holiday has appeared. It's March 21st which is now called “Day of the Traffic Police” ka". Do you think I'm crazy? Like, they have so every day is a holiday for the bloodsucker our traffic inspectors at great cost gi. Much more! But I'm still crazy didn't come down. I'll tell you everything in order. Yesterday's day, around six o'clock, I came in... Ugh, ka- Some poems pop into my head. In short, rya, at about seven o'clock I took my wife to the airport Port of Domodedovo. Drive far, to another the end of our capital, including our birthplace ny. I must say that I drive a car very neatly and disciplinedly, therefore when you see a sign "Limit to 40 km/h" I always reduce the speed to 100 km/h. So, I'm rushing along the roundaboutroad. Machines almost none, the wind whistles in the ears of the "for- yes,” in a word, beauty. Out of the corner of my eye I notice video camera, which, unfortunately for us, was supplied They were killing traffic cops almost all over Moscow. I immediately reduce the speed vehicle speed from 180 km/h to allowed 100 km/h, I see soon traffic police post and slow down to the same speed this is an incredible 60 km/h. Suddenly I see: with terrible speed, sits on the other side of the highway thick a traffic cop wrapped in his sheepskin coat. Runs poor guy, with the obvious intention of intercepting my unfortunate Ford and present it some terrible accusations, or maybe just to admire my photo raffia on the driver's license (which I have a swarm, oddly enough, now, although I skated for two years being completely yes- or uncertified). The traffic cop is already on mine side and waves his stick, showing so that I could pass his slender figure and stood behind. But I'm full of respect our glorious inspection, so famously I pull over to the side of the road and brake straight ahead. ed him, professionally staying in 5 centimeters from the traffic police boots. I'm going out from the car. The gallant officer stands with impenetrable an appreciable blue expression on his face and, in my opinion, Already died a little. I start a dialogue: - Ale! Officer! According to the Geneva Convention you must introduce yourself, tell your name Milia andtitle, otherwise I’m under your sheepskin coat I can’t see who you are: General- major, or simple sergeant! The traffic cop's face thaws a little, he opens his mouth several times, from where he all the consequences of today ceremonial meeting at four o'clock in the morning at the traffic police post, after which in a hoarse voice says: - What are you doing, [censored], right in front of became me. I was waving, darn you for passed me by. Damn, the driver left. Doesn't understand [censored], FAQ They wave to him. I have from you - in, [cut out censorship], the pressure has skyrocketed! I'm interested in: - What is the pressure? Arterial or intracranial (I’m joking, of course; from- where is the line traffic cop's intracranial pressure?)? Or maybe it just jumped pressure on drivers? The traffic cop is thinking. Then he jokes: - From you, [censored], any the pressure will rise. Even ear! Two crows that happened to fly by far away, get an immediate heart attack myocardium, as they fall under the stream hoarse and cheerful laughter of traffic cops ka, which he awarded himself for such a lovely example of linear humor. I I smile politely with my lower right half faces, I express confidence that this inci- dent notwill affect the relationship between our great peoples, I get into the car and I intend to leave. The traffic cop suddenly distracted from his incredible humor and it’s unclear what pressure is pouring red and clearly directed towards me. - Driver! I stopped you for speeding! - Can't be! - Maybe! The devices have been recorded! - Recorded or direction-finding? - Recorded. I don't need this here here, to be smart. Pay the fine. What else? Pay the fine. I honestly vi- dealt with this camera and slowed down to quite acceptable even for the average tic traffic cop magnitude. All this is because I I'm guessing the guy with high blood pressure is thinks a little, then says: - You did not reduce your speed when approaching to the traffic police station. Have you seen the sign ki, which are located when approaching traffic police station? - Saw. Beautiful signs. - You didn’t comply with them! - Complied. - They didn’t comply. - Yes, I did. I followed them five times or six when approaching the deck area traffic police clearance. The traffic cop became furious and said that I went to the post to deal with his violations. Since I'm like thatstupid and idiotic driver who doesn't understand own benefit. What did it cost you? said the traffic cop, give me at least some some money! And now I'll fall into the clutches cool traffic cops at the post, who are with me They will remove everything they can. I said that if they are trampled by a horse, tough traffic cops, and that where ours is not missing! Yes practically disappeared everywhere! And with these words I sent climbed to the post, towards his fate. The post room was cozy and warm. There were four traffic police officers there, who were busy discussing - which of they will be taken to the department of two caught with red-handed young smugglers with UK- rainas. It was, as I understood, that those two lucky ones who will take the push violators to the department, have every chance of getting some along the way a bribe is no longer smuggling. And after- Instead of this, they can pretend that they are violating the ladies disappeared and were tired of returning mi, but happy back to the post. In the conversation time on the walkie-talkie was repeated several times announced the introduction of the "Interception" plan and reported signs of stolen cars. I'm from out of boredom, I counted two or three cars passing those who pressed past the post, who completely abandoned They said signs of a wanted list, and the traffic cops all argued. Finally, I got tired of waiting and I demanded an explanation. - They broke the speed limit, comrade.driver! - one traffic cop said loudly and looked at me with some challenge. - I didn’t break anything, Comrade Captain! - I said. - You can check it. All the speed grow in place. The captain looked silently for a while at me, then said more quietly: - You were driving around the ring at a speed of 178 kilometers, but only 100 kilometer are allowed lometers. “Comrade captain,” I whined, “ka- what 178 kilometers? I'm only a few steps from home I drove 40 kilometers, no more. “Comrade driver,” the traffic policeman became furious. Nick, - you greatly exceeded the speed limit. This big violation. “What will happen to me for this?” I wondered. I said, “They’ll take me out of the toilet and shoot me.” yut? - We won’t take you out of the toilet, but financially we will punish! - the traffic policeman answered firmly - nickname - How, exactly, do you know that I speeding? - I became insolent. - This is did the lineman tell you? So he's drunk as hell, and his intracranial pressure has already exceeded force all conceivable and inconceivable limits so that soon the eyes will pop out. What is he can you tell with those eyes? Here's to him I imagine all sorts of wild speeds. - You, comrade driver, are not blowing our minds - rite. Look for others, fool your brain gi. We have herethe computer is standing, it's yours speed and recorded. When I heard about the computer, I perked up: - Oh! Give us your computer, let's look blame my misdeeds, and then we’ll decide - how much I should suffer financially, the more Moreover, I have almost no money with me. The traffic cops solemnly brought me to monitor, on which periodically cars were built and demonstrated with the speed they laboriously develop. On the screen "Oka" did not proudly show off and glowed over- write 47 km/h. “Guys,” I said, “this won’t work.” Just five minutes ago I had another a car that is less than 60 km/h will never went. I may have violated, but I insulted I won’t allow you to fuck my Ford. Look for mine 178 km/h, otherwise I’m not responsible for myself. The traffic cop groaned and began to press the kidneys on the monitor. After a dozen frames the side of some car appeared on the screen la, and the inscription was really burning at the bottom 178 km/h. “Here’s your car,” he said proudly. traffic cop. - Pay the fine. - Where is my car? - I asked. - Auto- the bill cannot be identified by the door, fender and a piece of the side view mirror. Already if you can't demonstrate to me my photo behind the windshield, like this is done in all civilized countries nah, show me thoughwould be the car number. And so I don't play. The traffic cop became sad, realizing that the vaunted the device did not work accurately, but I couldn’t do it without a fight I give up, he made a feeble attempt to take take the initiative into your own hands: - Let's conduct an examination. There you have it there is something written on the wing. Let's go, Let's compare. - Comrade captain! 40 percent of cars in Moscow the word "dick" is written on the wing, so this is not an indicator for me. But because I'm in a hurry to get to the airport and can't I believe that state representatives can reduce the speed of my car, I'm ready suffer a well-deserved punishment and propose as a fine, all Russian money, which which I have in my wallet! With these with words I opened the purse and showed the demon- strayed the last 15 rubles, which were lying there. The traffic cops became completely sad and one said: hall: “Then we’ll have to take away your license.” “Take it away,” I easily agreed. - To me I don't like the photo at all. “Well,” said the captain, “since you there was almost no argument, we are ready to take 15 rubles on the condition that you will no longer those to violate. I readily confirmed that I never Yes, I will no longer violate what was violated unable to sew, gave the money and sentheaded to the airport. Domodedovo was very dirty and un- cozy. I put my wife on a plane and sent... walked towards his car. But along the way there was an attack forged by an annoying gypsy who I've been pestered at this airport for years five in a row. And he's been asking for money for five years for a ticket, otherwise she, they say, fell behind of his plane, on which the camp was flying to warm regions. And this time her argument is tion did not differ in innovations. Still he needed some little money for a ticket, well, twenty rubles. I As usual, she was asked a stereotypical question grew up: - And what, mommy, in five years so much didn't get your ticket? To which I received a stereotypical answer: - What are you, dear, such inflation in country! After which, stereotypically laughing at answer, gave her a ten for wit, refused thanksgiving fortune-telling, where I was clearly destined to become president and went to the car. Next to the Ford stood a somnambulant traffic cop who studied the word "dick" scratched on the left wing - Are you studying the great Russian language? - at- I inquired brightly. The traffic cop looked at me without any expressions and asked: - Is this your car? - Whose is it? - I answered traditionally. - She's standing in the wrong place! - How is it “wrong”? That's exactly it. I accompanied his wife to the airport and the car at the post- fork at the airport. Or a new decree came out - the phenomenon that if you need to go to the airport, then ma- Is the tire supposed to be installed in a sea harbor? - There's a "no stopping" sign here. about a hundred meters from here. - I didn’t see him. Because here for- the house has arrived. Besides, you are sure to carefully disguised, as usual. - I don’t care what you saw - no saw it, comrade driver! The sign is there too No one is allowed to violate. Pay fine “I don’t have Russian money,” I said. Will you take it in dollars? At the traffic cop's suddenly impassive an expression of deep tenderness appeared on his face ty: - Dollars? - he lowered his voice, - Take- mu. How many do you have? - A hundred! - I said for an experiment. The traffic cop's face reflected a whole gamut of ma feelings. Of course, he really wanted assume that I am an idiot foreigner and immediately say: "Let's go!" But, in- first - the license plates on the car were Moscow- skies. Secondly, I spoke Russian in perfection, so that even in the most daring it was hard to imagine in my dreams,what's so a foreigner who knows Russian well does not know how much traffic cops usually beat for the unacceptable standing of an iron friend. “I don’t have change,” said the traffic cop and showed extreme distress on his face. Like, I'd love to, but I can't, so give me yours steward and we will part as friends. I rummaged through my wallet and found two crumpled dollars that he carried with him "to happiness." - Then take two bucks. I have more no. - Maybe you can go to the airport building port and exchange? - looking oilily at me, said the traffic cop. - No really. Thank you. This bill is dear to me like a memory and I don’t want to change it. “In that case,” the traffic cop became furious, - I will be forced to suspend your license and The fine will have to be paid through a savings bank. su. - No problem. I don't care next week to go here again, at the same time I'll take the rights. And for you from this savings bank You won't get a penny fine. The traffic cop thought painfully for seconds three, then said: - Okay. I decided to meet you halfway and I impose a fine of two dollars in Russian banknotes in which I myself, so So be it, I’ll exchange this currency later. I handed him those miserable bucks and... demandedreceipt. The traffic cop turned gray, turned white, turned red, then filled his chest air, but I said I was in a hurry, so he can send the receipt by mail, got into the car and went about his business lam. I drove back, of course, along the ring, turned on "HigHWay star" at full blast Deep Purple, joyfully sang along to the music tongue accelerated to about 180 km per hour. The music captured my tiredness so much in the fight against traffic cops, the body that I am not for- marked the next camera and realized only at the sight of another traffic police officer BJJ, who swung his so wildly with a stick, as if he was conducting an opera "The Rings of the Nibelungs". I can slow down The moose was only about 50 meters behind the traffic cop. For some time we both withstood the character ter: he stood still, waiting for me to I'll go up to him, but I, of course, won't I was going to run towards him like a little dog. He stopped me, so let him come up himself dit. After a couple of minutes the traffic cop realized that the client was caught with complaints and trotted to my car. - Sergeant Volobuev! - introduced himself before- the horny patrolman reached my car. - Senior Lieutenant Exler! - saluted I responded, remembering that some kind of title received it at the institute. - Why are you, military comrade, so fast? growthexceed? 60 is allowed here, and you drove 180. Exceeded by 120 kilometers per hour - Yes, Comrade Sergeant, I’m just mother-in-law took me to the airport. So I accelerated to speed availability And then there’s the upbeat music in the car. played. I danced with my right foot, danced, so he accelerated the pedal for. - What kind of music? - got interested traffic cop. - “The wind was blowing from the sea,” I called the most Lea the cretinous hit of the last season, according to realizing that the sergeant that Deep Purple that Wagner - everything is one. The traffic cop's face grew warm and he began remember your wild nights in Sochi and seemed to have forgotten about me. But suddenly his face lit up with a feeling of unfulfillment debt, he looked at me sternly and said: - You'll have to pay a fine. - How many? The sergeant raised his eyes to the sky (probably evoking the bright image of the Chief Traffic Officer) and muttered: - Excess of transport by drivers speed means by the amount over 30 km/h is punishable by a fine of 3 Minimum wage. That is, - the traffic cop chewed his lips, Calculating, it will be 240 rubles. - What cruel laws! - I said. - Why is this? - offended bylaws Sgt. - If I receive only one minimum wage, and in in the form of a fine they demand from me three minimum wages, which should I now go around the world? “Well, yes,” the traffic cop said joyfully. - So I believed you. Look, how well-groomed you are! you're smart, big-faced, and your car is foreign. And you yourself say that there is only one minimum wage. Yes you get these minimum wages of about ten! - You also have a booth - don’t go swimming! - I was offended. - You are probably behind these minimum wages beat the unfortunate violators for a day more than I did in a month. “What’s the point,” the traffic policeman began choking back tears. nickname - Almost all the bosses take away. - Well, yes! - looked sarcastically at him I. - You also say that you are begging. So I believed you. “They don’t give you anything in your hands,” frankly, the sergeant said. - They created communism, bitches, They bring the food themselves. I've been here for two months now I didn’t drink my favorite Baltika. They bring God forgive me, some kind of "Huineken", you Excuse me for swearing. “Yes, really,” I sympathized. - Not really life, but an ongoing nightmare. Okay, what We’ll do something with me, otherwise it’s time to go. “Go to these,” he waved his hand to the side. well post. - You’ll pay 240 rubles, and that’s it affairs. - Let me personally pay you 40 rubles - lei because I don't have any anymore. Atu- I won't go. And today you will buy yours beloved "Baltika". - What will I tell them? - asked sadly Sgt. - They know that you are fast. exceeded. They will demand money right away. - Say that the driver sincerely repented - xia, and you limited yourself to oral suggestion, but not a fine. You have the right, by the way. - And after this I won’t be fired? - How do I know? Well, think of something... something else. For 40 rubles you can poke around. That's three bottles of your favorite "Baltika", by the way. “Okay,” the traffic cop waved his stick. Give me 40 rubles and go. I will be something shave. How long can they be on my neck? sit? And if they fire you, to hell with them. I'll go to car mechanics. I'm very good at cars I'm figuring it out. - I have no doubt! - I said sarcastically, gave 40 rubles and rushed on. During the day I rode around Mother Moscow, where was once again stopped for speeding grow (the cunning traffic cops removed the "80" sign, which always hung on Leningradsky highway), had a little fight with them about this reason, after which he paid another 40 rubles - lei, since the speed certainly exceeds strength In the evening I had to go to Sheremetyevo-2 airport to meet a friend, who was supposed to fly in from Germany. In Sheremetyevo, as well aswas supposed to be on Sunday in the evening, there was simply no place for a car put. Even to the express parking lot, where these smart guys charged 75 rubles (because you paid in advance for three hours at once, although if it cost less, then the money, of course, did not return), there was a long queue. First I drove onto the ramp and stood on German Formally, parking there was prohibited. forbidden, but I knew that if the traffic cop uncle Where should I give a little bit of money? OK, then there won't be any problems. I'm sitting in car, I'm waiting, because the plane is a little late is late. Suddenly something appears on the horizon majestic, reminiscent or atomic icebreaker "Lenin", or Repin's painting "Mo- roz, governor, patrols the estates theirs." A fat traffic cop, waddling around standing cars, was beautiful to the point of possibilities. A kind of symbol of real in- Spector, who is only on the pedestal stand. I took out 10 rubles and left the ma- tires. The traffic inspection mountain is approaching to the Ford and tried to portray it in her I have an expression of extreme bewilderment on my face. How is this possible? Car! standing under prohibitory sign (needless to say, throughout the airport, permitting There are simply no signs)! On the one entrusted to him, plaque No: 125499, territory! All this painfully tried to reflect on the traffic police façade, butnot until the end reflected, because the officer, as I lay down, I guessed that I was pretty tired. Gram- mov at 700-800. So he's already talking I couldn't. It was clear that any words would seem superfluous at this pathetic moment, so I took a chervonets out of my pocket and, Without raising his hand, he waved to them. traffic cop tried to frown and understand - no does this bill offend his person and the dignity of the entire Road Service of car owners. From painful times thinking the officer was even more tired, so silently came up to me, looked sternly at me eyes, after which the bill itself slipped sounded into his glove. Next inspector glanced at the sky, as if saying: "You see - what do I have to endure?!", and swam on. I sat in the car for another fifteen minutes. just say, when suddenly there was a knock on the glass Noah traffic inspector. “Paid,” he said, opening the window. - For what? - asked the traffic cop. - For the parking lot. - There is no parking on this ramp, - the inspector said happily. “I know,” I answered. - That’s why it’s flattened for a fat, somnambulistic officer, who took a vow of silence. - Major, or what? - the traffic cop guessed. - To him, dear. - You shouldn’t have given him money. Today he is generally notworks. It's just his wife having a day birth, he drank all his money, that’s why walks here, collects gifts. “Guys,” I say, “I don’t know about your complex relationships. The money was Lached, so I can do it for at least half an hour stand here. And that's enough for my brains... fall. I'm tired of you today - I just don’t have any strength. “I understand,” said the traffic cop. - But to leave you still have to. I don't give you any money I'll take it, but in about ten minutes it's coming new shift, which that major - at the bar - banu. They'll take the license plates off the car and that's it. -...Your traffic police! - I said and I went to look for another parking place. Do not leave your car in a distant parking lot I wanted to not have to drag around with my suitcase - mi, so I spun around a little airport terminal, I saw an empty seat among cars standing at a fork in two merging roads before entering the airport port, parked my Fordik there and left was going to meet a friend. A friend arrived with two huge suitcases given, so I had to go get the car. I'm leaving the airport, and suddenly I see that... there's a queue walking around my car noy traffic cop. I thought to hell with them what will they get from me, so I became a survivor give him further action. Inspector circled around my car and sent- somewhereaway from the airport. I quickly went to the Ford, got into the car, and suddenly I saw an eagle sticking out on the ramp a traffic cop with a walkie-talkie, who joyfully observes gives me binoculars and reports the coordinates naty directing the guard of auto-legality, gu- barking nearby. And exactly! I look - be- lives, dove, back. Flies at low level flying to my car, taking out something as I went either handcuffs or a fine protocol. Under- flew. Bravo saluted and started playing the bagpipes: - Why are you, comrade driver, breaking Are you kidding? Parked the car right on the road place. - What the hell is a passing place? - found- I asked earnestly. - There are about fifty cars here - worth a hundred, no less. “They violate everything,” he said joyfully traffic cop. - We will fine them all, you won’t worry. “Yes, I’m calm, like a boa constrictor,” I say. - With the money that I give to you today I paid the guys, we can have a new airport build. “I don’t know anything,” squinting his eyes tenderly, said the sergeant. “We also have high expenses.” shi. “Yeah,” I said understandingly. - For one binoculars, I suppose, the whole department will throw off - foxed - External observation post, - boasted - Xia traffic cop. - Now no one can go without a fine is leaving.“You should buy him a grenade launcher,” advised I was talking. - Let the violators immediately shoots on the spot. “So we’re not animals,” the ser- Gent. - Pay a fine of 150 rubles per pair - forge in the wrong place and go away calm. “I won’t pay anything,” I said. - I have all the traffic police resources for a month forward are exhausted. “Then I’ll take away my license,” the inspector threatened. ctor - Take it. I'll throw them out soon if another day like this happens again. - Well, at least you have some money is there? - the sergeant became sad. - Only forty rubles. - This is very little. I'm observing the magpie I give it to the giver. - I don’t care. I'll also talk about yours problems to worry about. I have my own praises It's already melting through the roof. No more money. “Okay,” said the traffic cop. - Let's go 40 rubles, and I’ll tell the top one that you’re smaller we stood there for five minutes, so we have to pay a fine refused. You just don't give me money pass it on, and put it in a book with documents cops, then maybe he won’t see dit. I, completely enraged, handed him 40 rubles and went to the airport. But along the way stopped near the ramp, went up andvindictively told the eagle with binoculars that his bottom accomplice covered me at 250 rubles for parking in the wrong place and lack of technical inspection. He got worried and ran downstairs to figure it out. On the way to a friend's house, for some reason I never slowed down. Incredible, but this fact. We arrived, dragged our suitcases and a friend persuaded me to take 200-300 grams to relax after today's we- tarstvo My house was literally two kilometers, so I took 150, then another 150, and then we drank something else and scolded the traffic cops. At two o'clock in the morning I was tired, but happy. Noy got behind the wheel and drove home. And, once- Yes, exactly 100 meters from my house was stopped by another traffic police patrol new car. The matter was getting serious revolution, because it was not even required respiratory examination to smell those 300-400 grams of whiskey that are so conveniently and comfortably located inside my body. I opened the window all the way prepared the documents and held my breath chickpeas for fifteen. Very slow to the car but a traffic cop came up, looked out the window and said: - D-d-documents, fellow driver. “Here,” I held out the book. The traffic cop opened it upside down and began study carefully. I'm just in case wasn't breathing. About five minutes later heturned over a book in the right direction and try I tried to refocus on her. By- Tom gave up these hopeless attempts, naked came to me and asked: - Is there a thosmtr? I quickly nodded my head, at the same time squinting at the vehicle inspection ticket tra. - Let me see, - booming demandingly the traffic cop said, dousing me with such powerful force a wave of fumes that even broke through through my 300-400 grams. I calmly exhaled and gave him a ticket - chick. He studied him carefully minutes, then said: - Maria Viktorovna (the ticket was from a car wife, because mine ended somewhere around a year ago)! On your ticket there are numbers with ma- tires do not match. - Can't be! - I said. - Maybe Maybe the traffic police got something mixed up? Let me I’ll pay a fine of 40 rubles and go home, Otherwise I have to get up early tomorrow. The traffic cop liked the idea of paying a fine. las. - Come on, you go into our car and “Pay there,” he suggested, describing it with difficulty. repenting of my unfortunate Ford. - No, really. There you probably have a very stuffy. Let me pay you on the spot, - I said because I had no intention of get into a patrol car, wheresat two more traffic cops, because the degree of their intoxication niya was still unknown to me. Inspector strained his brains, then int- resented: - Maria Viktorovna! And you can trust yelp? Are you a journalist by any chance? - Who can you trust if not me! - obi- I'm gone. - I'm not a journalist at all. I just- that editor. Here are your 40 rubles and I wish It's nice to be on duty until the morning. The traffic cop, thank God, took the money without wrangling gave me the documents. Remaining I reached the next 100 meters without incident. niya, knocking over two garbage cans along the way. B at my entrance, oddly enough, traffic cops We didn't expect it either. At home I decided to turn on TV, but there was a movie on there called "Car Inspector" Thor,” which almost made me feel sick. So I rummaged under the bed with a mop, to kick out the traffic cop if he suddenly re- was trying to hide there, and forgot heavy sleep. All night I dreamed that I was on the tan- I don’t press traffic police posts, so in the morning woke up in a cold sweat, and my hand was in potty
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