White_parrot - Democracy in a madhouse.

 MINUTES OF THE MEETING ON THE ELECTION OF THE CHIEF DOCTOR 
 IN PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL #6.     
                                         
(C) A. Arkanov                           
-------------------------------------------------------
 CHAIRMAN.  Dear sirs,
comrades, scientists, Napoleons, Stakhanovites,
Julius Caesars, inventors, Shostakovichs,
physicists and nuts!  Today we have to
important event. We must choose se-
without our common chief physician, dear to all
to us, beloved home. I'm glad to announce that
At our meeting there are representatives
whether both chambers - male and female, and
also a large detachment of our friends - sleigh-
tars as observers with the right
advisory and casting vote. All of us
gathered here, united although different
new, but the only thoughts, touched
general goiter. Our life every day
It's getting better and better, so...
there is nowhere to go further.                   
                                         
   VOICE FROM THE HALL. May I interrupt you?
                                         
   CHAIRMAN. Please.             
                                         
(Excited
a man is trying to kill everyone with a stick
presidium  Orderly in soldier's clothing
gives him a calming injection with a bayonet.
The man calms down.)                  
                                         





















                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Comrades! Who doesn't want to
Surely he can come out. We don't bother anyone
bench press Lock the doors there and there's no one there
don't release. Democracy must be for
everyone!.. I will continue. We, comrades, have many
th unresolved issues.  This is also ecology.
toilets, and the fight against dystrophies, and
nic shortage of straitjackets...
Some things, of course, are being resolved. Let's say protein
salt and sugar will be given in tests
only with coupons (relief in the hall,
applause, incontinence.) Much to us
everyone and the new chief physician will have to work
improving the quality of hallucinations. Arrival
is trying to admit that it is still in our
in hallucinations we see only dark things
dark past.  They see a bright future
only personal pensioners, and even then in
alcoholic delirium.  No need to say
that the chief physician we choose should be
from our midst.                          
                                         
   VOICE FROM THE HALL. I protest!CHAIRMAN.Comrade asks to speak
tag #18.                              
                                         
   VOICES. Don't give in!                  
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.  I understand you, comrades!
The word has tag #18.                   
                                         
   #18.  From the proposal of the chairman of the
blame the head physician from among us
there is stagnation. Why is it from our environment?
yeah?  What about Thursday? What about Monday? What about Tuesday?
Are they not ours?                        
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Please introduce yourself-
hundred.                                     
                                         
   #18.  Friday. Deputy from the one hundred and eighth
uninhabited island. Nominated by Robinson
Crusoe unanimously.  I suggest it's ok
alternatives for the position of chief physician
candidacy, but I ask you to recuse yourself,
since on Saturdays I don’t work religiously
for logical reasons.CHAIRMAN.Are you all done?              
                                         
   FRIDAY. Everything.                         
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Then go to your seat.   
                                         
 FRIDAY. But I haven't said everything yet.      
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Blam-blam-blam! I'm depriving
you words! Speak!                     
                                         
   FRIDAY. That's it now. (Goes for a month-
then leaving wet marks.)              
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.While the rostrum is being prepared for
next speaker, please vote for
Deputy Friday's proposal. Who's in favor
lift your leg!                          
                                         
   VOICES. Who has two legs?            
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Whoever has two - hold out
legs.                                    
                                         
   WOMAN FROM THE HALL.We need to select a counter
ka!                                      
                                         
   CHAIRMAN. Valuable note.       
                                         
   WOMAN FROM THE AUDIENCE. I offer our book-
galtera.                                 
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Comrades! Of course,
according to the logic of a normal person, on
the position of the counter must be chosen by the accounting department
ra.  But we must take into account the specifics of
our establishment. Am I right? Therefore
us counter must be first and foremost
an honest and objective person. Here I am
Then I consulted with each other and decided. On
I offer the position of counter to our cook
xu Lamb.  Svinina Petrovna, raise-
Get out of your seat.                    
                                         
   VOICES. She has three seats!              
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Lift it up, comrades!
Svinina Petrovna, count who votes -
no for Deputy Friday's proposal...    
                                         
 PORK PETROVNA.  Count out loud or
about yourself?                                
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.To myself.               
                                         
   PORG PETROVNA. I’ll say this about myself:
I believe that every person over eight
I must abstain from about ten kilograms...
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.That's correct. Grabbers,
who want to grab a piece of the people's pie,
It's time to hit the paws... That's the question
special... We will return to it later, and you
For now, just count who is in favor.        
                                         
(A man jumps onto the podium in humility
body shirt.)                        
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Untie the speaker... And
take the gag out of his mouth. Glasnost,
so glasnost... Introduce yourself, comrade. SPEAKER. Field Marshal von Schmerz, seven hundred
nineteenth national-territorial
district, Königsberg, East Prussia.
Captured as a prisoner of war in 1944.
I represent the Kaliningrad region,
I swear to be the chairman of the collective farm "Hitler Ka-
put!"...Last night I left the ward on
little need...                           
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Comrades, I think
It's time to understand the terminology.
It's time to remove this from our terminology
derogatory expression "for little reason"
de"... We don't have "small needs"... We have
there are "small needs" ...            
                                         
(Cheerful animation in the hall, single
shots.)                               
                                         
   VON SCHMERZ.  And so I left the room
for... a small need... But at the door with
Ekate rudely pushed me away with two zeros
rina Second and shouted: “Wait, fa-
Damn shit!  I am numerous
need!"  Herr Chairman! In my opinion,
All our needs are equal!...CHAIRMAN.I think we don’t have
may be personal needs. All our needs -
common, and they must be celebrated by the whole world... 
                                         
   VOICES. Shame! Disgrace!                 
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.What's the matter, comrades?   
                                         
(A man in a wig comes to the podium.)   
                                         
   MAN IN A WIG. I am a physicist. My name is
Isaac Newton. I speak on behalf of eighteen
twenty scientists living in this very ward
with two zeros, which the respected
dear field marshal. In violation of all rights
new fundamentals from all floors of our vastness
new hospitals come to us with their
needs.  As a result of this worldwide
gravity in the room is incredible
diation background with all the ensuing consequences
consequences.  And all this is because
someone superior in their personal values
Lyakh unscrewed the unit from the number on the doors
our chamber, which had previously been
that #100! We demand the return to our ward
its former name, and also requirecreate a commission of inquiry! After all, in
there are women in our ward...           
                                         
   VOICES. Correct! Vote!        
                                         
(Applause.)                          
                                         
   CHAIRMAN. Resolved. The question is removed
from voting.                           
                                         
   VOICES. Correct!                    
                                         
(Applause. Newton leaves the hall through
window.)                                   
                                         
   VOICES. If you don’t like our air, breathe
to others!                                  
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Svinina Petrovna, you
calculated who was in favor of a friend’s proposal
Fridays?                                 
                                         
   PORG PETROVNA.Now they will bring stone
Puter!                                   
                                         
(Accounting accounts are passed along the rows.) 
                                         
  CHAIRMAN. Timely scientific and technical
nic initiative.                     
                                         
   WOMAN'S VOICE. From the Chamber of Women I bring
proposal to elect one deputy
female part.                           
                                         
(Shouts of "Shame!")                         
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Very accurate, not at all
shameful remark. Pluralism, comrades,
it is also pluralism for women.               
                                         
   CHECKS. All power to the women's councils!      
                                         
   WOMAN'S VOICE. I offer our gyne-
Kologa Katsnelenbogen Avdotya Nikitichna!  
                                         
   MAN'S VOICE. I demand the election of gynecological
log on an alternative basis.           
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Go to the podium, then-
comrade Introduce yourself.                    
                                         
   MAN.  Mukhin. Boiler representative
noah... Comrades! Our establishment is open
for seventy years now. And how much I help myself -
Nu, never for the position of gynecologist
Not a single boiler room worker was selected.
This develops an inferiority complex in us.
ness and class disadvantage. I suggest
promote our fireman to gynecology
Ivan Dolbonos.  He's a strong guy,
loud, heat-resistant... And if something happens
We will all help him... Stepan! Stand up, po-
show yourself to the people!                           
                                         
(A guy rises from his place in
an apron and a poker. Playful female go-
los "We know! We know!".)                   
                                         
   KATSNELENBOGEN. I have nothing against the product
I don’t have a Duckhead now, but I have to go to him
as a future professional colleague
question. Tell me, what is gynecology?CHAIRMAN.The question is not ethical!      
                                         
   DOLBONUS. That's it. We're not here
exam!  But tell me, Avdotya,
what is a poker? So let's not...
drink each other in jurisprudence! I am so
I’ll say: gynecology is not humanism
only to women, but also to men. I have
I don't care about this work, as they say,
itchy... I love and respect women
women's self-government bodies!           
                                         
   KANTZNELENBOGEN.  Thank you! I'll be hungry
stick behind you with both hands.             
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.We still have a lot left
different questions, but we haven’t chosen yet
main thing. Svinina Petrovna, have you done the math?
finally, who is in favor?                       
                                         
   PORG PETROVNA. A little more
moose!                                    
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Comrades!  Who has what
questions, please speak up, butnot exceed
shaya regulations.                          
                                         
   MAN IN TIGHTS. Women!..       
                                         
  CHAIRMAN. Blam-blam-blam! Your time
I'm expired. Who's next?               
                                         
   WOMAN WITH A MUSTACHE.  On behalf of veterans
First Cavalry...                         
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Blam-blam-blam!   Yours
time is up. Next!                
                                         
   MAN WITH A BEARD. I am Engels! I have
question for the chairman. Tell me, family -
cell of society?                         
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Cell.                 
                                         
   MAN WITH A BEARD.  Why yours
the family lives in a palace, and our entire
society - in cells?                      
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Friedrich - you're wrong!
Blam-blam-blam!                          
                                         
   MAN WITH A BEARD. I demand an investigation
vaniya!                                   
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Gdlyan-gdlyan-gdlyan! Swie-
Nina Petrovna! Have you finally figured out who
"for"?                                    
                                         
   PETROVNA PORK.I counted... Umaya-
lass...                                  
                                         
   CHAIRMAN. Well, how many "for"?     
                                         
   PETROVNA PORK.According to updated data
Two or three people voted in favor.     
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.And against?               
                                         
   PETROVNA PORK.I'll count now.    
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.Comrades!  Bye Pork
Petrovna will count, I want to make a report.
tion.  Comrades! I think we're all a little
We were stunned and want a break. There are two pre-
provisions  Comrade Bonaparte offers three
minutes, and the commandant of our establishment
offers an hour.                          
                                         
   VOICES. Three minutes! Long live Bo-
napart!                                  
                                         
   CHAIRMAN.I understand you. Passes
Commandant's proposal.  Announced co-
Mendant hour!  We will continue the meeting
after all of us are done
necessary injections, infusions and sa-
nitary treatment!  Bon appetit!
Ku-ka-river!!!