Miscellaneous - Intel outside.

                                         
HOW TO TORTURE Windows`95 CORRECTLY
                                         
(C) 1999 Alex Exler                      
-------------------------------------------------------
 For the second year now, there has been a severe, sometimes
brutal struggle between the human mind
a product of the human mind.
Between me andWindoWs`95.And with one and the other -
on both sides there are certain losses, but
the confrontation still continues
and it is still impossible to say for sure which one
sides will prevail.                     
   At first, of course, there was an advantage
entirely on the WindoWs95 side. This "opera"
tion system" was driving me crazy
in ways known to her so that epithets,
with which I rewarded her, it is quite possible to
publish as a separate book. However,
over the years of brutal struggle I became cunning,
careful, and now she just won't let me down
will take it.  Moreover, I have already learned myself
mock her, turning against her
what she tried to use to defeat me.      
   I have already said that the outcome of our struggle
doubtful, so I hasten to state the non-
which theses are for those who may understand-
children follow me.So, how to properly torture WindoWs
95?  The process itself can be divided into
how many stages: bullying in process
installations, bullying in the process
downloads, sadistic actions in progress
work, but the most sophisticated is
a method that I called “torture with
technology "Plug and Play". Let's
Let's take a closer look at all these stages.      
                                         
        Bully         
    during installation     
                                         
   Slowly remove the CD containing
contains the WindoWs95 distribution (pan-ev-
European version). Pick up a razor
and carefully bring the blade to the sectors with
distribution. Make some smooth ones
movements with the blade without touching the surface
disk.  Changing the color of the disc surface
from yellow to red will show you - Win-
doWs95 already realized that she was dealing with pro-
professional  Next, turn on the computer,
bring its working disk to the monitor
side, make sure that WindoWs95 is already
drooling from the desire for intimacy with this
computer, then slowly put
disk next to the monitor, take out another one
disk with OS/2 distribution and give WindoWs
95 understand what you are about to install
watnamely OS/2.  Wait for the change
disk colors from red to green (this is
means that WindoWs95 is beside himself with anger
ty), then put OS/2 back into
box, take out the floppy disks with DOS 3.0 (the same
lately from IBM), pretend that you
you are going to install it,
after which you can love for a few minutes
change all the colors of the rainbow on the disk
with WindoWs95.                             
   This is the pre-installation process
can be considered complete, although I'm still
I like to pretend that the disk with WindoWs95 is not
climbs into my CD-ROM and this also irritates her
reaps.                                    
   Next, place the distribution disk in
CD-ROM, erase in configuration files
DOS CD-ROM driver and reboot
computer. Then you need to say it out loud several times
say: “Where is my logical
Has the CD-ROM disappeared?  There you go! Worth it
just install the disk with this WindoWs95,
Suddenly the CD-ROM disappeared! Come on! I won't
put it on!  I'd rather install OS/2! She,
At least the CD-ROM won't be lost!"
If you pronounce all this quite artificially,
in a familiar tone, then after a while
The CD-ROM name will appear automatically in the system.
The color of the WindoWs95 disk should change
to black..                              
 Next, display a list of all programs
distribution and run everything one by oneexecutable files other than "setup.exe", when
this saying: “Well! Even in distribution
There is no installer!" Wait for
in your command line "setup.exe"
curled itself, after which gloatingly kill
her Backspace and continue your rants
another ten minutes before we can
ment so that the CD turns purple.
After this, you can begin directly
but the installation process. Wait for the
display the window with the license agreement and
press the "No" button. Installation process
will start from the very beginning, and you press
to "No" until WindoWs95
after pressing this button, it continues
The installation process is ongoing.  Then mark
squares with crosses with the list "CD-ROM"
and "Network card", as well as "Sound card"
ta", then click "Next", open-
take out the computer case, remove the CD-ROM,
sound and network cards and enjoy
WindoWs95's reaction, encouraging her explosion
mocking laughter from you. When will it appear?
complete list of drivers, replace immediately
"S3" on "Matrox Millennium", saying
quietly: “I don’t know anything!
Okay on the computer - Matrox is written."  
   Very good immediately after installation
play with languages a little: try-
first put all language races
masonry, then remove them all, then post-
enter only Japanese language, then pop-
try to achieve the interfaceна иврите,




























then demand from her the Eskimo
regional installation. If in the column "va-
lyuta" "one frozen fish" will appear -
You have passed this stage successfully.             
 As a desktop background
it is best to use mosaic from shashe-
a check with the words "WindoWs95 - must die!".
It would be best if you use these checkers
make it yourself using Windows
"Paint".  This will give the bullying a special
I love the piquancy. Logo.sys is needed immediately
replace with a picture with the inscription "OS/2
loading ТНе most Hated system - Windoze
95", after which the installation process can be
consider completed.                     
                                         
        Harassment         
      during loading      
                                         
   To properly anger WindoWs95
boot process, follows in autoexec.bat
cram in as many residents as possible
programs like "Calc", "Side Kick", etc.
It is also desirable that all these programs
were written in Pascal. For swap file
try to leave 50 kilobytes - that's
will entertain WindoWs95.  Write small
resident who will be every two mi-
chickpeas delete the swap file and all files in TEMP
directories. After every Windows crash
95 do not let it boot into Safe-mode, but
select Logged mode (BOOTLOG.TXT),
to make her write everything down herself
stages of your shame in this file. Not bad
Step-by-step mode also gives results
confirmation, which should be prohibited
Ensure loading of the most important drivers. 
   A particularly piquant mockery was
This means removing memory from the computer.
Leave 4 megabytes there, take some
start "War and Peace" and sit for a week -
another next to the computer, waiting for
launch WinWord, periodically encouraging
WindoWs95 in gentle words: “Well, yes-
Nila! Doesn't a stone flower come out?"      
                                         
      Sadistic actions      
       in progress       
                                         
   Here's the easiest way - DOS-ses-
these.  Feel free to launch in these approx.
Fuck any programs! Select only those
products that run WindoWs95
hangs tightly and try to turn them on
at least once a day. Good results
also gives periodic launch of special
al version of aidstest (youyou can
write yourself), which after loading the pi-
shet: "A virus has been detected on your computer
- WindoWs95. Perform treatment?.      
   Np~Ё.v..i.. ..&<=G_o (ugh, I’m writing
it's all on WinWord, and it's clearly already started
wants to protest. Well, nothing. Let's break through!
As a last resort, I’ll type it in the Lexicon, although
this will forever kill the feeling of beauty in me
nogo).  You can also rename Win.com
in dos.com and run it. The result
there will be an attempt to give birth to WindoWs95 in the most
myself WindoWs95. Outwardly it looks all-
Ma is attractive and convincing.         
 WindoWs95 reacts especially painfully
no attempt to use in it what
For some reason Microsoft called "multitasking"
"dual-tasking" (although even "dual-tasking" is
It’s hard to call it a perversion). Launch five
current Norton Commanders and in each of them
set to copy 70 megabytes from one
logical drive to another. At the same time, not
You have to shout loudly: “Come on, come on!
Faster!  Higher!  Stronger!  Puck!  Cool!
Turn it! Copy!", causing Win-
doWs95 begins to frantically throw re-
resources from one task to another, from wave-
niya swallows the memory, comes on its own
on the heels and elbows, after which Nortons one
after another they fall out shouting: “this
version "NC" is not designed forwork with HT-
processor."                        
                                         
 Torture using technology
 Plug and Play         
                                         
 As I already said, this method is
is particularly sophisticated, and with its help you can
but achieve fantastic results.
In this area I am an absolute re-
cordsman, since he went all the way from
simple cries of WindoWs95 "Detected
strange and incomprehensible error!" via "What
what the hell? Such a mistake cannot exist at all.
okay!" to the phenomenal "I don't understand at all-
Mayu - what's happening. Here's your home
Billy Gates phone - deal with it
themselves."                                   
   You all know very well the strange
WindoWs95's manner of detecting different
personal external and internal devices,
Moreover, if the device is detected incorrectly
right, then explain WindoWs95 - well
in fact, it can only be installed there
to a technical specialist who has long
worked for Microsoft for years and was completely
adopted the spirit of a somewhat mystical approach
to the development of software projects, king-
working in this company.                        
   But we, the subtle tormentors of this system,
let’s turn this manner into our owngood. For
start, plug some kind of
be a scarf from a Japanese TV.
Turn on your computer. The reaction of WindoWs95
usually unpredictable. At times I natalized
nodded at the phrase: “In your computer there is
an unknown device was detected, but I
Now I’ll connect my drivers to install
the swarm worked normally," after which
a new logic was detected on the computer
disk, when you try to write to it,
every time the phrase appeared: “This type of media
not supported in this version of WindoWs
95. Contact your dealer for details.
get drivers for this device."
Sometimes WindoWs95 pleased me with messages
I say that "You have a video blaster detected
Sony brand, but the resolution of your monitor
not enough to work with him! One time
a message flashed: “This device is
is not Plug and Play! To make
to leave it as such - just take out the device-
and insert it back."                
   However, on the board from the TV "Ru-
bin" WindoWs95 always responded the same way -
kovo, stating that: "In your computer
triggering device detected from co-
Soviet-class intercontinental missile
air-earth-eternal peace!  If you are
but an obedient citizen, then turn on the modem,
so I can snitch on you to the CIA!"  
   But even with the most standard devices -
MI computer peripherals WindoWs95 pos-
very dullpeculiar. She's interesting
reaction to some more or less modern
new computer boards, such as Sound Blas-
AWE64 tag.  First time I have her at all
I didn’t see any sound card (not
despite the fact that AWE64 is Plug and Play),
upon re-installation it will not initially
confidently discovered Sound Blaster AWE32,
then I ran into the number 64, after which
made a Solomon decision stating that:
"Two boards have been detected on your computer
Sound Blaster AWE32". Well, with mathematics
which Microsoft has always done well.      
   Installing an external CD-ROM, which
connected via the printer port, call-
WindoWs95 has a lot of all sorts of moral
torment. At first she confidently gathers
identify it as a printer (clear
stump - what could be hanging on the printer -
nom port), produces a majestic phrase:
"A new one has been detected on your computer.
printer - CD-ROM", tries for it
install some one she knows
software, then hypocritically reports that “This
the device may slow down significantly
speed of your computer" (although
the real speed of my computer
only WindoWs95 itself slows down), then
begins to poll this device, semi-
tea in response to kicks from the CD-ROM, which
clearly does not want to be printed on it,
after which it gives out the catchphrase: “I
something is trying herebreak illegally,
but I'm still fighting," the result of which
is the original system freeze: no-
what does not start, except for the task list.
I understand that this is her homework assignment,
to reflect on your behavior. 
   The only thing that is impossible to discourage is
live WindoWs95 is a modem. The system knows
several dozen brands of various models
mov, but you can connect any of
them: she will play for about fifteen minutes (on
this word triggered a spelling counter-
the role of WinWord, which proposed this
replace the word with "it's playing")
kami of the modem, after which he calmly declares,
that: "You have a standard modem detected,
but you can choose its name yourself from
list". This is the Plug and Play approach
I like it.                            
   That's all for a start. From-
I was putting it all on paper, when suddenly I
something became a little scary.  In my
WindoWs95 could not penetrate thoughts, but
Now I'm in front of her - in full view. Yes
what if something happened to me...    
                                         
 Windows`95 AND PHONE SEX 
                                         
(C) 1999 Alex Exler  WWW.exler.ru
-----------------------------------------
 The first installations of WindoWs95 are always German
Reminds me of having sex when I was young
age. The same lust at the sight of a computer
lect of installation floppy disks, the same awkward
bones and misses the first time in pro-
drive thread, the same discoveries are very in-
interesting patterns, and he himself
the process (after some experience) continues-
for quite a long time.                         
   One evening, this is exactly what I was doing...
I was wondering: installing WindoWs for the first time
95 to your computer. Tired of sex with
WindoWs`95 I decided to at least slightly
so I decided to devote one hour
research into the most curious phenomenon of our
modernity - phone sex. There were
20 telephone numbers were taken from various advertisements
ny, like: “Today I’m yours for the whole night,”
"Call and you will find out what real-
loving caresses", "I will be yours all night, and you
you will only pay for international calls
thief" etc.                              
   I, of course, understood that by typing am-
Rican international telephone code, i
I end up in some Ust-Perepizduysk,
where 60-year-old ladies are sitting on their phones, but
an experiment is an experiment.            
   First, local numbers were dialed -
nine hundred-something. Half just don't
answered, and where I reached on the phone,
a wild female voice answered: “Service"Orgasm" welcomes you! Wait mi-
just a little bit." For the sake of the purity of the experiment, I
I waited ten minutes, but the situation did not
has changed.  It’s not entirely clear how they
were going to induce an orgasm by listening to
silence in the receiver... Apparently, they dis-
read on especially impressionable natu-
ry for whom the very fact of the call is enough
ka by “sexy” phone number. to me
this was clearly not enough, so we
There was a line of international phones.
When dialing 9 out of 10 numbers from the phone
a voice was heard: “Call the telephone operator—
ku". Then I realized that most companies
switched to face-to-face customer service,
but call a telephone operator to your home - I have
there just wouldn't be enough money. And so, after
dialing the last phone something happened
before: I got through to someone, the call went off
and... the tape recorder turned on (by sound -
good old "Electronics"), and the melodic
A female voice began to broadcast: “Hello,
wow, darling! I see that you are well under-
was preparing to talk to me. You are sitting
in front of the screen on which everything happens
some erotic scenes, and seductive
You stocked up on a good magazine, here it is -
lies next to you."                    
   Here I got cold feet. Where is this lady from?
Kobylopoimenskaya could have known that I was sitting
in front of a 17-inch monitor, on which
WindoWs95 is spinning, and next to me liesa hefty volume "WINDOWS`95 from the inside"?    
   Further the aunt: “Do you really think that
Is her ass more seductive than mine? I
I've been looking for WindoWs95's ass for a long time, but I can't find it.
walked, so the victory remained with the aunt,
because apparently she has no ass
was.                                    
























 Then everything continued in the same spirit,
and of course I went a little mad. I'm so ho-
bodies to communicate with a living soul. Let out
Pereplyuyskaya, she may be 60 years old, but I would
told her about sex with WindoWs95, about 32-
bit access to the body, about love in protected
nom mode, and they... Ugh!               
   In general, the whole thing ended with me
yelled into the phone for a long time (hoping that they
at least for the sake of humor they write down clients):
"It's okay, aunt! You won! Der-
zhi, aunty, nose to fifth!" etc. etc. 
   In general, guys, this is how things are going with this
phone sex! I can’t, however, not
admit that after the receipt of bills for
international negotiations I was very
excited, but was it possible?
awakening - sexual?  Not sure... Mo-
ral: sex with the installation of WindoWs`95 - us-
much nicer, and most importantly - much cheaper -
better than phone sex!