White Parrot - Advice for newlyweds (continued).

                                         
   NOTES OF A PROGRAMMER'S WIFE   
                                         
(C) Alex Axler                         
-------------------------------------------------------
 And the devil pulled me to marry him!
After all, she herself is not a fool! Not ugly! Yes and
I was not offended by fans. Even completely  
on the contrary, they curled around in schools. I him 
That's probably why I immediately noticed it   
that party. All the men around me are like this
and jump around, bring champagne, shove the con- 
fetes invite you to dance. A Serezha  
as soon as he arrived, he sat down on the sofa and put   
in front of him about a dozen bottles of beer and began
drain them one by one, thinking about some    
your thought. Didn't pay any attention to me
th attention.                             
                                         
  At first I thought he was secret 
physicist The same mysterious expression 
tsa, tousled hair and negligence in   
clothes. Can you imagine, I didn’t look at all? 
Reeled in my direction! This makes me so angry - 
lo. At first I began to spite him with all my might     
flirt with fans, went dancing 
wow, once I even knocked over a bottle with my skirt  
beer on his lap. So in this case he 
he didn't look at me.Looked up at
the owner of the apartment and says: “Lena, I would like
carry out the process of dehydration of the pants." 
Lena tried for a long time to understand what she     
should do with his pants, but then   
realized, took Seryozha to the bathroom, from where
he came back wearing her bodybuilder husband's pants.
                                         
  The main thing is that anyone would be embarrassed if they were 
at a party wearing pants five sizes   
more. And this one doesn’t care. Took it  
more beer, asked for a piece of paper with a pen and    
I began to quickly write something on a piece of paper.   
                                         
  At this point I couldn’t stand it myself. Got hooked on 
and I say to him:                           
                                         
  - Excuse me, Sergei, that I’m on you    
I accidentally knocked over a bottle of beer.        
                                         
  - What? - he answers. - I didn’t hear.
I got distracted.                              
                                         
  “Sorry,” I yell at the top of my voice, “what 
I knocked a bottle of beer down your pants!    
                                         
  “It’s not scary,” he says. - I myself   
I often spill beer on my clothes. Head- 
new - the keyboard cannot be flooded. Therefore, circle
ka or bottle is placed further away, on the edge
table, and here all sorts of surprises can  
be. I'm already used to it.                      
                                         
  -Who are you?Are you working, I ask.     
                                         
  “Sysadmin and programmer,” answers
he.                                      
                                         
 “I see,” I say, not understanding anything. 
May. - What is a system administrator?           
                                         
  - I’m sitting in the office on the grid. Grid, right-
yes, junk - coaxial. But they're all there   
are pressed together on a twisted pair cable. And we have a  
you say - twenty-five computers! That's how it is here
work on a serial connection? 
Like a cleaning lady mopping somewhere on a cable
will flutter, and it’s like a bee’s co-
scythe to climb all over the office.           
                                         
  - Yes, really! Get to work! - I agree. - A 
Is it comfortable to sit on the net? Maybe just     
Should I put some kind of chair?           
                                         
  “You’re not coming in,” Ser gets angry.  
gay. - I do administration.
Access sharing, this and that. Security,
there, all sorts.                             
                                         
  - So you are a security administrator   
working! - I finally guessed.       
                                         
  - No, how can I talk to you? - 
Sergei became completely angry. - I’ll immediately    
I said that I work as a system administrator. This is a sys- 
darkadministrator! Understood?            
                                         
  - I got it, I got it, don’t worry, - then-
I answered hastily. - Every company has
its own system of work. You are in this system   
you work as an administrator. Right?    
                                         
  “Well, something like that,” he agreed, waving his hand.
Sergei fussed.                            
                                         
  To defuse the situation, I invited 
his strength to dance. That one took a long time at first  
disagreed, stating that in the last  
danced once before the invention of the computer
ditch, but then, nevertheless, he prevailed. In    
during the dance he talked continuously, but I  
I understood at most one word out of twenty.
The word "map" was heard several times,  
from which I concluded that the guy is not a fool 
have some fun. One time he used the word
"port" from which one could understand   
that his profession is somehow connected with the sea.
The term "cable" indicated that it   
has to do with electricity. In short, 
such a mysterious guy turned out to be   
something.                                  
                                         
  At the end of the dance he was so bloated -  
I realized that I had been depicting it on the table for a long time with a
with the power of bottles, jars and cutlery 
some strange structure called
shaft "Mail routing scheme in our network  
ke". From which I understood that he alsohas
something to do with the post office.
Apparently, he worked part-time in the mornings as a delivery boy  
mail.                                   
                                         
  To be honest, I have long wanted to meet 
hang out with a guy like that. How many professions
and this is all in one person. Yes, and I don’t think-  
hates such hard work as delivering
mail in the morning. And what a person he was  
quite cute, especially if he   
wash and dress more or less decently. But  
I liked him even in this form. Tse- 
leering, self-absorbed gaze
and detachment from everyday life, high forehead, almost
you are hidden behind tangled hair. He    
didn't look at all like those polished idiots
kov, my fans.                   
                                         
  At that moment I realized that this was the one  
who I've been looking for all my life. Bring him in  
divine view I can do it myself, because why   
women are still needed if not for
control a man? And then I’ll try, 
so that he becomes a very famous scientist,   
academician, I will cook him borscht and eat  
go with him to holiday homes for special    
valuable employees. If the guy is in his 
for twenty-odd years he has been behaving like us-
failing academician, what will happen in the third 
twenty-forty? Nobel Prize, no less 
she.All this was running through my head while
Sergei muttered something continuously. View from 
he was completely obsessed. Hair is disheveled 
stiff, eyes burning, a couple of times he got to me
freely and perceptibly poked his fist in the side, 
making clear the operation of some kind of “gate”. God he 
It also has something to do with aviation! Just  
some kind of walking encyclopedia, not a person
century                                     
                                         
  In short, I fell in love. I asked him about
take me home. Tried to talk to 
him about literature.
It turned out that he
quite well read,
because often 
goes to the library 
teku Moshkova". I 
asked what   
this is behind the library 
what, and how much 
she is smaller than Lenin-
sky. It turned out 
that my Leninka with
by this library 
not even close    
stood. I'm so...
realized that she    
somewhere on another 
end of Moscow. By-
tom told   
he has several    
fresh jokes,
but he stated that
all of them have long been 
heard from prof.
Sora Werner. ABOUT! 
Exactly! I wasn't mistaken-
the point was that  
Sergey rotates 
at the highest  
scientific circles.  
                 
По пути нам   
встретился какой-
то молодой чело- 
век, который по  





















форме одежды был сильно похож наSergei. 
But it turned out that he was a foreigner, because
We were greeted with the words: “Hai, pipel!”.
And then I realized that Sergei is perfect
speaks English because he is with it 
a foreigner spoke with ease for minutes 
five. They were discussing some kind of “Rulez”, which
who was “total cool”, and that “mastdaische 
- the sax is full." Smart guys. I immediately yes-
I vowed to study it soon 
English, so as not to look like a complete du-
swarm against their background.                          
                                         
  Finally, they agreed, Sergei escorted 
walked me to the entrance and quickly said goodbye - 
Xia, declaring that today he still “NT pat-
read". Have you seen it? Don't even kiss me   
tried goodbye. It's easy with me
for the first time in my life. That's the guy's endurance!
                                         
  Of course, I made him write it down   
my phone number because he himself
I didn't think to ask. Just in case,
I took his number myself, but at home when I left 
I opened the piece of paper and saw some code there:
"207A7A". It’s good that my father’s work
those in the department of mathematical methods, su- 
please try to decipher this nonsense. And you know- 
those scoundrels didn't call me at all   
the next day, not the day after. With me   
this is just the first time in my life. Usually    
fans did everything to  
get my phone number. And already
if you received it, thenrang from morning until 
evenings so that only the pipe was smoking. A
this... I held my temper for three days,  
but then I couldn’t stand it and called myself.  
It was busy all day. Finally, next  
the next day on the twentieth attempt it turned out
free. They picked up the phone, but in response   
there was some kind of disgusting squeak, similar to  
to a fax response. And so it continued without  
how many days?                             
                                         
  But it has already taken me to the quick. I'm tired of
all sorts of major fans, I wanted love 
smart and interesting person. I tried 
Send him a fax, but also don’t receive it   
moose Finally, I somehow couldn’t stand it and 
the answer to the vile squeak of the fax began to scream
into the phone: "Ser-ee-e-hedgehog! Turn off your 
damn fax!" And then - lo and behold! - I    
suddenly I heard HIS VOICE. He is unhappy  
asked "what kind of goat is calling the non-
working span of his board."           
                                         
  “Sergey,” I say, “this is Irina.”       
                                         
  - Which Irina? What's your nickname?       
                                         
 “I don’t have any nicknames,” I answer.
- I am the only child in the family.        
                                         
  - Where did we meet you? -    
he asks. - In chat or through ICQ?- You and I met through Lenka.
On her birthday. Don't you remember?  
                                         
  He thought about something for another five minutes.
and remembered (these scientists are so absent-minded - 
nye), but then, finally, I remembered. Actually
Of course, it was difficult to communicate with him. 
I can’t pull it out of him with pincers.  
invitation to visit or for a walk. Os- 
don't pull the tongue of talented fans    
had to; invitations to go to the cinema, 
to a concert, to the theater, on a visit, to nature 
and so on, poured out like from a cornucopia of 
Leah And this one kept mumbling that he was ready with me
will meet today from 21 to 22 on the channel  
"Crib." What the hell channel? U 
we are not Venice. Finally we agreed 
meet at my house at five in the evening,   
since the ancestors very opportunely gathered from-
go to the theater. I hung up and thought...
yeah, today I’m definitely going to fall in love with myself
this guy.                             
                                         
  I spent half the day bringing   
yourself in full combat readiness. Even    
wore an airy white blouse, which  
I usually put it on no sooner than after a couple of 
weeks of dating. I prepared dinner, after
put a bottle of French wine on the table.
He wasn't there at five. At half past five - too. 
I was angry, I was simply horrified. For the first time 
They behave like this with me. Finally, about   
sixthe doorbell rings. Open   
vayu... Wow! He put himself in order.
He pulled his hair into a ponytail and put on a clean shirt.
ku with the inscription in foreign language "Windose - 
mast give", brought as a gift a pot of 
dried geraniums and a string bag with five bottles
mi beer. Okay, I think I'm still feeling it  
I will give you.                            
                                         
  We were just about to sit down at the table, when suddenly 
Sergei saw his father's computer in the living room.
yuter.                                    
                                         
  - Your computer? - asks.             
                                         
  - This is my father's. He didn’t turn it on
resolves. Then, it’s still password protected.
                                         
  Sergei muttered something about some  
Mitnik, without asking, turned on the computer and
drummed on the keys.                 
                                         
  “You have a father,” Ser asks again. 
gay, - does he work under the mask?            
                                         
  - Nope. It is under the Ministry of Defense.   
                                         
  “It’s obvious,” he says sarcastically.   
Sergey. - The border is locked. Password, sos- 
The meaning of the word "passWord" is cool.  
Tell your dad that he at least ra-
di decency made the password more complicated.- He first used our last name as   
“I set the password,” I explain. - But he's in
information protection department explained that  
such a password is easy to guess.            
                                         
  “Yeah, I see,” he says. - Oh! What is this? DOES YOUR FATHER WORK AT THE LEXICON?     
                                         
  “I guess so,” I answer uncertainly. - 
And what?                                   
                                         
  - Be grateful that children don’t look after their fathers.  
answer,” says Sergei. - Otherwise I would 
I didn’t stay in such a house for a minute!    
                                         
  Just think how nervous he is. Okay,    
I pulled him away from the computer and sat him down
table. Sergei refused wine, saying,  
that he only drinks beer. Roman salad with-
ate with such indifference as if it were   
There was an ordinary vinaigrette. And I him, between
By the way, I cooked for two hours and all my fingers   
wounded herself before she managed to polish the floors
a huge amount of cheese.                
                                         
  And most importantly, we just can’t find a common  
language. Something answers all my questions 
incomprehensible or scientific. I have nothing myself
doesn't ask, just looks somewhere  
side and always tensely about something  
is thinking. For example, I ask:- Sergey! Which films do you prefer?   
do you like everything?                          
                                         
  “Dividi,” he answers. - Mpeg is garbage   
complete.                                  
                                         
  But I didn’t even watch this “Dividi.” Even
I don’t know who’s playing there. I tried mu-
Inquire about the same problems.  
Well, I haven’t heard the groups: “Rilaudio” and “Vi-
namp". In short, there is obvious intelligence    
virtual abyss. Even our games are  
new I wanted to invite him to play    
"city", "burim" or forfeits, so he     
stated that he only plays strategy and  
"Anril." Everything else, he says, is for de- 
tey. I was even offended, but he didn’t  
I didn't notice. Well, I think we should let-  
use heavy artillery. Sat me down   
him on the sofa, sat down next to him, invitingly    
I leaned over to him and asked in a whisper:    
                                         
  - Sergey! What do you love most? 
in the world?                                
                                         
  - Unix! - this scoundrel answers, looking
on my chest. Well, what should I do with it? A?
                                         
              ***              
                                         
  Waited for it! Finally! Seryozha invitedme to my home. So that, as he said, 
show "the lair of a lonely programmer."
I painted and plastered again for about three hours.
I thought for a long time about what to bring with me. Os-
stood on a bottle of good wine and    
cake                                 
                                         
  I arrived half an hour before the appointed time. 
me, wandered for a long time at the entrance, exposed  
extinguishing the fire of the grannies' cross glances 
on the bench. At first they just quietly   
whispered, but when I passed by  
them for the tenth time, the most disgusting looking
the old woman could not stand it even in her unctuous voice 
asked:                                
                                         
  - Who did you come to, beauty?            
                                         
  “To Sergei from apartment 14,” I report.
I always talk politely with grannies. 
vayu. Why anger them needlessly? Herself    
someday I will be the same. Here with granny-
ki immediately lost his unctuous tone.             
                                         
  - To Seryoga? From the 14th? Such a prominent girl  
Vushka? He's a crazy person!          
                                         
  - Why is this crazy? - I was offended. - He 
scientist. Engaged in all sorts of scientific research
Kaniyami.                                 
                                         
  - He’s a vivisector, God forgive me! - in-
another old woman was wandering around. - Bycat nights 
torments. Well, nothing! Soon his experiments will 
the netz will come. We have already informed the district police officer. 
                                         
  “You, grandma, are confusing something,” he explained.
I know. - He's not a biologist. Sergey from all over 
Who tinkers with electronics? He's this... like 
his... computer guy. Here.                
                                         
  - Computerman? - asks the first    
grandmother. - You're confusing something. Last name 
It’s kind of simple, Russian.        
                                         
  - And he behaves like some kind of Mason, -   
The second grandmother is still angry.               
                                         
  “Okay,” I say, “it’s time for me to go.”
                                         
  “Go, baby,” looking with pity 
at me, said the first old woman. - You,  
if anything happens, shout. We will be here on duty.
We'll call the police right away.                   
                                         
  “Mercy,” I say. - But I assure you,  
that nothing bad will happen. Raise- 
I went to the fourth floor, I pressed the button   
call and immediately drop the cake on the floor, because
that an eerie voice is heard from behind the door:  
                                         
  - Incoming cHat request!               
                                         
Then Sergei opens the door and says:    
- Accept. Come in.                     
                                         
  “Seryozha,” I ask. - why, okay- 
Can't you make a small bell? I'm from 
This scream dropped the cake on the floor. Okay  
Also, that's not a bottle.                     
                                         
  - Normal - not interesting, - absentmindedly
he answers, looking at the label on the bottle 
rear. - Then, I don’t answer a regular call   
I always react. And to this consciousness clearly
works. Don't worry about the cake -
Xia. I don't drink cakes. Wine, by the way, is also not
I respect you very much. Why, there’s no beer at the kiosk   
was it?                                    
                                         
  Well, he was impudent. I tell him, you see,
must bring.                     
                                         
  - Maybe you should also wash the floor? - right- 
I sew with the maximum amount of sarcasm. Gla-
Sergei's eyes lit up with joy:         
                                         
  - Well, if you don’t mind, then it would be
great. And I already forgot what it was...  
laid: linoleum or parquet.            
                                         
  I'm speechless from such nakedness
loss.                                   
                                         
  - Listen, why are we standing at the door? -  
Sergei suddenly began to fuss. - I ask in my   
humble abode.I'm just warning you 
I haven't got it completely tidied up.             
                                         
  I proudly pushed it aside with my hand 
and entered the apartment. My God! This is called  
Is it not tidy? The picture reminded 
explosion of a stick of dynamite in a tank with poppy seeds
ronami. I haven't seen this for a long time. No, I 
Of course I guessed that the real scientists 
they live in some disorder, but the cat,
sleeping in an aquarium, socks hanging on
chandelier, a pile of dirty dishes covered 
washing powder lying in a huge  
basin in the middle of the room - it was already too much
com.                                     
                                         
  “Listen,” I say, “are you even here?”
Do you ever clean up?                 
                                         
  “Hello,” Sergei was offended. - I'm going to   
I spent half a day scraping and scrubbing before your arrival. Even
I wiped the monitor with beer. You should have seen that  
it's been going on here since morning.                  
                                         
  “Hmmm,” that’s all I said. What 
What else could you say to this?           
                                         
  “Okay,” he says. - Please come to the table.
I saved two cans of canned food for dinner. And  
a bottle of Ochakovsky from yesterday in   
The refrigerator is getting cold. Do you believe it?   
I endured it all night, but never opened it. 
                                         
 - Hero, - I say contemptuously and - 
I head to the kitchen. There's another one waiting there   
surprise. On the kitchen table, freely
there was a pile of all sorts of electronic glands.
There isn't even anywhere to put a glass.            
                                         
  - Well, where do you want to sit? - right-
I'm sewing. - Maybe you can take this one off the table
nasty?                                 
                                         
  “What are you doing, Ir,” he gets scared. - This is the same 
assembly stand. I'm building computers here  
heaven. I have nowhere to put all this. I'm whole  
spent the day selecting components from this pile
junk that's lying around in a drawer. Barely   
picked up.                                
                                         
  -Where do you suggest having dinner? - car- 
I'm embarrassed. - On the floor?                    
                                         
  - Why on the floor? Maybe on the nightstand   
slabs Standing. I work while sitting, so... 
therefore I use every opportunity to 
stand.                                
                                         
  - Well, you’re impudent, brother, - indignant - 
I am. - The devil knows what. You invite de- 
a girl for dinner, and you don’t even have a place to sit.
Well, nothing! I'm in order here now  
I’ll point it out, - and resolutely begin to rake  
computer hardware in a hefty package,
which I found under the table.“Ir, Ir, be careful,” he said.  
the guy was pouring. - Take it easier, Sims   
you'll break it. Oh! Be careful! Don't ruin the cooler!
                                         
  No, something clearly needs to be done with this guy.
bark. He's kind of wild. On the other hand 
On the other hand, I even became interested. Already es-
Will I be able to bring this gingerbread to my senses? 
you mean I'm just super.               
                                         
  She vacated the table and put a bottle on it. 
a bottle of wine and a flattened cake. Sergey
I opened two cans of cans with a penknife.
Vova and with a chic gesture put it on the table   
plastic jug of beer "Ochakovskoe specialty" 
cial".                               
                                         
  “Give us the glasses,” I command. He's from 
eagerly rushes to the sink and brings two
faceted glasses.                        
                                         
  - What is this? - I am perplexed. - Glasses?   
For wine?                                
                                         
  - Why? - Sergei was even confused. -  
Well, if you want, you can have cups for wine    
take. In my opinion, I still don’t have everything figured out 
fought.                                  
                                         
  “Fuck you,” I hopelessly wave my hand at
his side. - We will be the best of the faceted   
glasses. Like two homeless people in the entrance. - Ir, why are you wound up? - whines   
Sergey. - You know, man, when you're alone
lives, acquires all the creepy bachelor's
habits. But I'm not hopeless. That's yesterday
for example, I even washed the window in the room. A  
it was completely black from cigarettes. Te-
now you can even see the sun through it   
children On a clear day, of course.             
                                         
  “Okay,” I say. - What are we going to drink for?
                                         
  - For him to die! - solemnly 
says Sergei. - I always drink to this.   
                                         
  - Who?                                 
                                         
  - How is this - who? Billy Gates, of course. 
                                         
  - What did he do to you?         
                                         
  - How is it - what? Microsoft Windows it 
did it to me.                              
                                         
  - Well?                                  
                                         
  - What? - Sergei was indignant. - To you  
Is this not enough?                              
                                         
  - Let's better drink to peace throughout the world -
“re,” I suggest, so as not to start him.“Go ahead,” he agrees. - And so that he
died.                                    
                                         
  We are sitting. We drink and dig with bent forks 
cans of canned food. The conversation is somehow not  
sticks. Sergey is always thinking about something
my own, smiling periodically, and I’m still puffed up
I'm trying to get him to talk, but somehow it's not very good
works out well.                       
                                         
  “Seryozha,” I say, “what if you 
Is there some way to bring some order here? More convenient
it will work.                       
                                         
  - What are you doing? - he looks suspiciously. 
- It’s convenient for me as it is. I know this order 
when everything is stuffed into cupboards and nothing
it cannot be found later.                   
                                         
  - And you have everything scattered on the floor, -   
I argue. - Is it really more convenient?          
                                         
  - Of course it’s more convenient. Still in plain sight.     
                                         
  - How to walk?                        
                                         
  “Careful,” Sergei gets angry. - I'm here  
I go every day and everything is fine.       
                                         
  “But, for example,” I ask, “ 
if you want to dance?              
                                         
  - Why is this still necessary? - asksHe.      
                                         
  - Well, why is this? Dance like  
people are dancing.                            
                                         
The guy looks at me with bewilderment:    
                                         
  - Why?                             
                                         
  - Seryozha, what are you doing? Here I come to you 
girl visiting. Wants to dance with you-  
vat. Where can this be done? By
all sorts of pieces of iron are scattered around. Not on the closet
Should we arrange dances?                     
                                         
  “I don’t have a dance floor here,” it’s important  
he declares, “but a study.”        
                                         
  Ugh! A completely unbreakable guy.  
Okay, let's try it differently.             
                                         
  “Seryozha,” I say. - Maybe you   
just turn on the music? Where do you have the magni-
tofon?                                   
                                         
 - Music - this is possible. Only tape recorder
I don't have one. We don't need a tape recorder  
with a live computer. Let's go to the room.     
                                         
  We go into the room, carefully avoiding the iron
ki lying on the floor. On Sergei's desk
there is a computer TV (monitor,   
I think it's called), keyboard,four
ashtrays, a cup with someone dying for a week 
tea and a beer mug. And on the wall is nailed
that kind of healthy green plate, in
which smaller plates are stuck in. From  
Wires are bristling in all directions.   
I wonder what it is?                
                                         
  “Seryozha,” I say, “where’s your computer?” 
Yuter?                                    
                                         
  “Yes, here he is,” explains Sergei. - K
nailed to the wall.                        
                                         
  - Wait, - I don’t understand, - computer 
- this is such a gray box with a light bulb
kami. Do you have some debris on your wall? 
TV. I thought it was this or the antenna
so newfangled, or just abstract 
sculpture.                              
                                         
  “Ir,” he asks. -You really are... 
what a slow-witted person, or just a fool 
are you mowing? This is a computer hanging on the wall. He 
just without a housing to cool the radiator
she.                                      
                                         
  - Why without a case and on the wall?     
                                         
  - For fun.                         
                                         
  “Yeah,” I say, “I understand.” Funny.     
                                         
  Sergey, meanwhileinserted the CD into  
some box lying on the table, and - oh
miracle - the music actually started playing. Finally.                                
                                         
  “Seryozha,” I say. - Maybe we're on
Shall we sit down on the sofa?                          
                                         
  “Easy,” he answers.                
                                         
  I sit down stylishly on the sofa, and then the apartment 
the dash is cut through by my wild scream. Because   
that I sat down on another computer 
a blade that bit into me very painfully  
in... well, where they usually sit. And I   
Also, the fool, she was wearing thin trousers.     
                                         
  - ABOUT! - Sergei was delighted. - Video car- 
ta. I've been looking for her for three days now. What are you doing      
Are you yelling? Have you ever seen a video card?  
                                         
  I’m thinking about covering him up with this vi-  
deomap? He, you see, has been with her for three days     
looking for. And now I won’t be able to sit down for three days.
gu.                                      
                                         
 - I’m very glad, - I say sarcastically, -
that helped you find this valuable    
subject. Is there anything else I can find?
Don't be shy.                         
                                         
  At this moment, a terrible sound was heard again.
los, symbolizingdoorbell.     
                                         
  - Who else is this? - ask suspiciously- 
says Sergei.                             
                                         
  “A horse in a coat,” I answer. - Where am I from? 
I know. It's your apartment.                  
                                         
  The guy went to open it and came back with    
local policeman. Here I understand everything - 
la. The grandmothers below were on alert and my cry   
perceived as a request for help.         
                                         
  - Well, what's going on here? - suspect- 
asks the local police officer (young,   
by the way guy). - Rape?         
                                         
  “Worse,” I answer. - Sadistic acts- 
effects of clean water. The young girl was 
they put it on a needle-like piece of iron. And I'm a yogi    
I didn’t intend to become one at all.               
                                         
  - Which one? - the policeman is interested. 
                                         
  “This one,” Sergei points.     
                                         
  “I see,” says the district police officer. - Matrox 
Milenium eight-mega. I hope not to crack
zero? Otherwise there will be glitches later.  
                                         
  “Yes, it looks like it’s alive,” Sergei answers. 
- However, now you can check, - and   
goes to insert a piece of iron into hisabstract sculpture.                  
                                         
  The policeman, meanwhile, is considering   
some kind of black box with red lights -  
kidneys, which lies on the table.         
                                         
  - Courier evrising? - respectfully inte- 
The local police officer is resuming.                     
                                         
  “Of course,” Sergei answers. - On  
We don’t work in junk.                     
                                         
  - And my old Zyuchel plows everything,
- the policeman complains. - Not at all -  
change Rus' to something decent.   
We have salaries - you understand.          
                                         
  “You should go to Dodonov,” he advises 
Sergey. - He can always have something 
inexpensive to buy. But it’s better to betray Süchel 
quick and brutal execution so that he would not torment-
Xia.                                      
                                         
  - How is that? - the district police officer is interested. -
Connect it for a day at 300 baud without 
nothing?                                  
                                         
 - What a beast you are! - Seryozha is amazed. -
It's enough just to drown it in the bathtub.  
Having previously plugged into the outlet, 
but...                                      
                                         
  -Good idea, agrees the policeman.
ner. - What is your nickname in ICQ?       
                                         
  - Stranger. And you?                  
                                         
  “For me, it’s quite intuitive,” he answered. 
says the district police officer. - Cop.                 
                                         
  “And I remember you,” he declares joyfully.  
Sergey. - You and I will clash in the Crib-
were looking for pirated CDs. Are you still
he promised to send me a riot police unit when
You can find the IP address.                      
                                         
  “Yeah,” the policeman rejoices. - Nice
meet your soul mate.              
                                         
 And then they started throwing in such terms -
I think my ears are just withered. Cool 
guys. Meet in the crib and then   
A riot police squad is being sent. What's going on on    
this world?                              
                                         
  “Hmm,” I said.                   
                                         
  - What do you want? - looked away dissatisfied 
conversations Sergey.                           
                                         
  - I'm sorry to bother you, but I   
I must note that in this house there is -
Xia girl who was invited to dinner. And
that this girl was fed canned fish 
howl, and then they rammed her in the asssome kind of   
computer abomination. And what if someone  
the young man will not tear himself away from his   
memories of going to his crib   
They sent a squad of riot police, this girl will tear you off
computer guts from the wall and hit the mo- 
to a lazy man in the ears. And so twenty  
times. And even the presence of the police did not bother me  
will stop. Because our police are like 
It turned out that she was also completely crazy.  
                                         
  - Ir, don’t get angry, - conciliatoryly  
says Sergei. - Do you want me Internet? 
Shall I show you?                                  
                                         
  - No, well, did you hear? - I’m indignant. -
A decent girl came to the house for the first time
to a young man, and they immediately do it to her  
obscene offers. Moreover, even after
third party                                
                                         
  - Ir, well, this is an international network -
Naya.                                     
                                         
  -What other long-distance sect?       
                                         
  - Not a sect, but a network. Computer network.
There's a lot of interesting stuff there too. Here's the weather 
“di,” said Sergei and began to rattle something
by keys. Black box on the table   
clicked for a while, and then suddenly   
howled like wild cats. Cat sleeping in ac- 
varium, suddenly opened oneeye, pri-
hesitated, but then yawned widely and again  
fell asleep.                                  
                                         
  - Now it’s clear why you grannies 
They suspect vivisection, I guessed.
- You should at least muffle the sound, otherwise they’ll already
They wrote a statement to the police.            
                                         
  - Yes, I have ten of these statements per 
I get it a day,” explains the policeman. -  
It’s good that I know where the legs come from  
here. Otherwise I would be tired of running from house to house and
look for tortured cats.            
                                         
  At this moment there is something on the TV screen
that began to happen.                    
                                         
  “Wow,” Sergei was delighted. -Connect- 
les. Come here and look at In- 
ternet.                                  
                                         
  I reluctantly walked up to the screen and took a closer look.  
and... Oh God! What an abomination! How creepy- 
nasty and dirty photos! And he's the one who
showing me?!?!                         
                                         
  “Yes,” I say. - You, of course, can-  
want to get involved in all sorts of international   
tantric sects, but I am with such a person
I don’t want to communicate for a century. Grabbed yours   
purse and ran out of this apartment     
vile person. Hear behind your back 
just a phrasepoliceman.           
                                         
  - What, brother, did you step on a rake? Personally 
I've never defaulted to porn 
I'm exhibiting. Because of this, I also feel uneasy
she left.                                 
                                         
              ***              
                                         
  Of course, after the incident when Ser- 
a gay man showed me the Internet, and on the screen  
suddenly there were creepy obscene pictures - 
ki, I didn’t intend to continue with him at all   
communicate. More precisely, I was going to communicate, but
he had to take the first step. Ask-
those why I decided to forgive him for this be- 
image on the computer? Yes because he 
didn't give the impression of being sexy at all
nogo maniac. Quite the contrary. Before   
that's all the fans I meet
started, all we could think about was how to
get me into bed faster. A       
this one... Visited my house, but that's all 
talked about some Linux and, why-
then about penguins. I still don't understand, he   
that, in addition to all other professions, 
and a biologist?                                
                                         
  What happened at his house, I also wonder 
said. There could be no talk of seduction   
speeches. So there’s even some kind of debate in me - 
tive interestwoke up. I think we should   
stir up this blockhead, otherwise I'll  
I began to feel somehow insecure. Od- 
However, for several days Sergei was in no hurry to tell me 
call and apologize. I already thought that  
everything... The guy himself was offended because
I then ran away so abruptly, or vice versa -
considers himself so guilty that yes-
he is afraid to show himself in front of me.     
                                         
  The wait was becoming painful, and I  
I was thinking about how I could     
take the first steps towards reconciliation, how
suddenly one day I go home in the evening and look
- my miracle in feathers is standing at the entrance. I  
It was the first time I saw him like this. Pants 
smooth (I obviously ironed it myself - the arrow starts -
was located at the left pocket, diagonally crossed 
lined the trouser leg and ended somewhere at    
right ankle), put on a relatively white
I have a shirt and a cap with a picture    
a penguin in a red hat (well, obviously he’s still 
in some ecological society working  
melts). Holds in his hands... - my dear mother -
gay - BOUQUET OF FLOWERS! Of course I do 
looking stern, frowning and looking at
him questioningly.                      
                                         
  - Ir, you... this... - he hesitated. - Well, 
in general, damn it, forgive me... I didn’t want to-
tel. You just understand, these damn people don’t have...
cool sites, all sorts of flash, java   
there are all sorts of scripts, applets... well, it doesn’t work...You know, sometimes they take it and forget it...
add your URL to favorites by default. A  
what can I do? I don’t even see it. wanted
patch the browser on this topic, and all ru-
ki don’t reach,” and he looked at me with
the most unhappy look.               
                                         
  Of course, I didn’t understand anything from this tirade.
what. I just guessed that he was apologizing...
Xia. Okay, I think we need to forgive the guy.   
Look at the unfortunate man and even his trousers 
dil.                                     
                                         
  “Okay, Sergey,” I say sternly. - 
I forgive you. But for this to be the last    
times.                                     
                                         
  “Oh, Ir,” he rejoiced, “yes, yes I am.” 
I’m just today... I’m just coming home 
duh, the whole browser, Ir, I swear, the whole di- 
I'm assembling...                           
                                         
  “Stop, car,” I interrupt him. - What
What you do to yourself there is your problem. 
The main thing is, don’t lay hands on yourself, 
because everything is already in order. I already have you   
I forgave. Almost. Just a bouquet of flowers 
give it to me and consider that you are forgiven completely 
specifically. I hope,” I add sarcastically,
- Are the flowers meant for me?               
                                         
  “Yes, Ir, of course,” said Sergei.
andshoves this bouquet right in my nose.       
                                         
  - What is this? - I ask in bewilderment,   
pulling a bouquet out of his nostril, trying to one-
temporarily stop the bleeding.               
                                         
  “This,” Sergei answers with some    
internal triumph - this is the present 
fiber optic! Here! You can either put it in a vase   
put it on, or make a lampshade out of it.   
Do you know how it shimmers in the light?
det. Beauty cannot be expressed in words. And    
You can't buy this anywhere. Distributed    
only for secret objects.            
                                         
  I look at him and really envy him: this is
you have to stay so naive and pure     
person. However, that’s why I love him. 
la. Why be surprised now?        
                                         
  “Seryozha,” I ask carefully. - A  
you know that there are such people in the world 
plants that are called flowers? Well,  
you know, they first grow or on bushes,
or in greenhouses, and then nice guys
oriental species sell them in markets and in 
transitions. They still smell so nice.   
No, not the oriental guys, but these very colorful
you smell. Women love it when    
men give them these very flowers. I  
I'm telling you for sure. And the lampshade is made of these things - 
I already have the check. Dad in his time   
stole from somewheresuper-secret self- 
summer dipole reflectors, so they are one
in one like this is your fiber optic.     
                                         
  “Ir,” Sergei answers, looking at me
somehow from under his brows. - Why are you telling me - so- 
Do you consider him an idiot? I know what it is
flowers. Yes! I won't lie, I wanted to give you some... 
drink a bouquet. I approached the metro and asked
meddled. So they charge 80 for each rose    
They demanded rubles! For each! Ir, you    
understand, I'm not materialistic! I'm generally in  
this life needs little. Totally powerful
computer with screw gig fifty, 250 
meters of memory, Multi-Write Cd-Rom for 6-8 
speeds, magneto-optics, slide scanner,  
1 inch monitor, CHerry keyboard with   
gold contacts and that's it. Well, also, co- 
It’s natural for a dedicated line to stick out from the wall  
ground for two mega. That's all. Nothing more
no need. But when for a bouquet of flowers,   
which will die in a few hours,  
asking for the cost of a four-megagram video card -
you...                                    
                                         
  “Hmmm...” I say thoughtfully. - Action-
Clearly, you don’t need much in this life...
                                         
  - Why? - Sergei asked and thought about it.
- Well, with a two-mega dedicated dedicated line, I, of course - 
but, bent. 128 is enough for me alone
megabits. It’s even possible via radio Ethernet.  
However,” here he became amused, “I didn’tI only care about myself. Someday - 
nyus, this is where a more powerful channel will be required -
Xia.                                      
                                         
  “Yes, yes,” I answer and look at him. 
closely. - Someday really 
a more powerful channel will be needed.              
                                         
  “You see,” he was completely amused.
- You understand me!                  
                                         
  “Okay, my miracle,” I say. - What 
do you have further plans for the near future? 
future?                                   
                                         
  “Well,” he thought, “first a new one.”  
install fixpack on NT, then I wanted  
Office-2000 to pick, otherwise I have it   
until it falls every ten minutes, after   
this...                                 
                                         
  - Not about your idiotic jelly-
great plans! - I yell at the whole yard, - But  
about you and me, fool, heartless  
monster, computer idiot! - and I begin
cry from helplessness.                     
                                         
  - Oh, Ir, what are you doing, Ir, I didn’t want to,  
Irina, you asked me about plans, so here I am  
answered about plans, - this one muttered     
stubborn guy. - Don't think, I have 
we have a lot of plans. Want,Shall we go somewhere together tomorrow? On Ma- 
tender new exhibition opens. "In-  
Ternet" is called. Do you want it, Ir?          
                                         
  So he says, and I cry, cry... One-
However, I understand that I only have two 
exit. Or decide never again 
don't get involved with any young scientists
mi, or continue communicating with him, but then
Yes, you'll have to start studying all this yourself 
disgrace to understand from his speech   
at least three words out of five, and not one of  
twenty, as it is now. But I
the girl is strong, so she decided that     
I'll go through everything to the end.                     
                                         
  Somehow I stopped crying, said Ser-
gay that I would be happy to go to a party with him  
exhibition "Internet", agreed to convene 
tomorrow and went home, dragging
behind you is a bouquet of fiber optics. And from tomorrow- 
The next day I decided to start seriously 
swearing at the computer. Because I don’t have
There is no other way out. No.                 
                                         
              ***              
                                         
  The next day in the evening I sat down and   
mother, where can I learn to work with    
computer. Actually, there were options 
a little. You could have asked me to give it to you   
a few lessons from someonefrom classmates 
snikov, but firstly - those who willingly 
they would work on me - they would produce  
chatting with the mentally retarded, and even in  
computers had little understanding (even on 
my opinion.) Secondly, I don’t want to 
it was hoped that one of the classmates    
took my requests as an attempt at flirting.
Thirdly, those guys who are in the computer  
The Yuters really figured something out,  
hovered in their clouds just like 
and my beloved Sergei.                
                                         
  You could take computer courses
but I remembered well the stories of my father, who 
ry sent his employees for half a year  
dic courses, and then, when all his corporate
Mom moved to a new building, and dad gave  
command the girls to install computers and  
start work, the girls set on    
table monitors and spent a long time looking for where to get them 
the keyboard is connected... So the computer
yuter courses were excluded as ineffective
new                                     
                                         
  STOP! I have a dad! Dad, who 
ry is quite good, as far as I understand, 
owns a computer! So I'll ask him 
work out with me. Why? This idea with 
I liked it more and more every second 
and more. Firstly - flirting during the 
ideas are excluded, since dad is an ardent pro- 
incest thief. Secondly - II can do it without  
embarrassment to ask him questions. Thirdly
- I will communicate with dad more often, which is important  
for a good atmosphere in the family. Thursday 
tykh - under the auspices of classes he will allow me 
work on his computer because   
at the moment I am strictly forbidden 
It’s hard to even come close to this gang - 
re. With these thoughts I went to the office.
no to my father.                              
                                         
  Dad sat at the computer and enthusiastically  
worked in the game "Lines".                  
                                         
  - Dad! - I yelled from the doorway.          
                                         
 - Daughter! - Dad shouted back, not ot-
tearing his gaze away from the monitor.                
                                         
  - Daddy! - I screamed even louder.     
                                         
  - Daughter! - Dad boomed in response, that’s it
without even looking in my direction.              
                                         
  - Daughter! - I screamed with all my might.   
                                         
  - Daddy! - Dad yelled and, finally,
looked at me.                       
                                         
  - What do you need? - he asked. I   
I just opened my mouth when suddenly dad said, 
hall:                                     
                                         
  - Stop! Notspeak! The main thing for me is  
full understanding with the younger generation 
nim. With my only daughter. You   
don’t say anything, and I’ll try my best to 
guess. So. The little daughter came to her father,
and the daughter said: “Dear daddy. Be 
so haberdashery! Give it to your beloved    
give my daughter a little money here and there to buy
shops and all other cosmetics, because  
that the scholarship is only enough to
the wallet didn’t feel completely empty   
you!"                                    
                                         
  - Did I guess right? - asked dad and climbed for  
wallet.                               
                                         
  “Not really,” I answered. - That is,  
Of course I need money, but this speech
this is not what the hour is about.                          
                                         
  - Oh! - Dad said and grabbed his heart.
dce. - Have pity on the old sick man.
Don't post everything at once. Start gradually 
but...                                      
                                         
  - Dad! - I said. “You have a daughter!”
                                         
 - Another one? - Dad asked. - Good  
news. Why am I the last to know about her?  
ny?                                     
                                         
  “I mean myself,” I explained.“Ah-ah-ah-ah,” dad calmed down. - Those-  
Now the situation is becoming clearer.               
                                         
  “And this daughter fell in love,” I continue. 
                                         
  “Yes,” said dad. - Someday   
it had to happen. Don't torment me. 
Say the most important thing. Just start from- 
far away. If you are already pregnant, then ask 
first: “Daddy! Don’t you miss   
grandchildren?"                                 
                                         
  “It’s too early for you to have grandchildren,” I say. -  
That is, becoming a grandfather is already moral   
ready, but not yet ready every evening from -  
go to bed with grandma.         
                                         
  “It’s logical,” dad approved. - I always  
I said that your mind is all about me. Then 
what's the problem? What's wrong with the object    
your love? I hope it's alarming  
Dad asked, “is he not a Jew?” In our     
the family does not need Jews. In our family 
just one Jew - me. And then mommy
thinks this is too much.      
                                         
  “Enough jokes, dad,” he said decisively. 
I'm stealing. - There's nothing wrong with this guy.   
Well, let's just say that from his point of view everything is 
ok. Just understand,” she hesitated
I.                                       
                                         
  -“Rub from the shoulder,” dad suggested. - I'm co
ready for everything. I have validol in my pocket and  
The ambulance is arriving quite quickly now. 
                                         
  - You see... - I keep wrinkling, - he...  
he... he's a computer geek.                 
                                         
  Dad looked at me for a while,  
eyes bulging and cheeks puffed out. Then he blew it away   
cheeks and asked quite calmly:        
                                         
  - So what? I haven’t seen any particular tragedy yet 
zhu. The profession is quite scarce and well-
Great computer scientists are now held in high esteem. Even  
they earn quite well.             
                                         
  “That’s what I’m saying,” I rejoiced. -  
But it’s a little difficult for me to communicate with him,   
so I decided to start studying all these  
computer wisdom.                
                                         
  “That’s the right thing,” dad agreed. -
Can't use a computer now 
- it's the same as not knowing how to use
coffee maker. Shame and disgrace.                
                                         
  “By the way,” dad asked. - A  
you, if I'm not confusing anything, have been for almost a year
studied at Moscow State University, if I don’t know anything
I confuse the Order of Lenin and the Order of Moscow
Komsomol, Moscow Aviation Institute 
here, name, if I'm not mistaken, SergoOrdzhonikidze. I was hoping there was   
some computers. So what's the problem?
They don't want to teach you? Just tell me I  
I’ll immediately go to the rector and there they all
I’ll quickly get out of the habit of mocking such outrageous
gapes!                                   
                                         
  “No,” I say. - Computers are there 
there are and even teach something... But you  
you know all these institutions.                
                                         
  “Hmm...” Dad answered. - Not at all- 
than once again hinting at my purchased 
diploma But my brain works a lot -
better than any highly educated people.
                                         
  “I didn’t mean to offend you at all,”
I'm stealing. - I’m just explaining that the institute
the training is rather weak    
computers. Yes, and they teach all sorts of tet-
ki, but you yourself said that women     
There are no computer geeks in nature.        
                                         
  - Did I say so? - Dad is surprised. -  
Well, this was clearly said in a moment of anger.
OK. In short, what do you want from me?   
                                         
  “Communication,” I say firmly.          
                                         
  - In what sense?                      
                                         
  - In such a way that you will have me every   
evening to learn little by littleworking with computer  
yuter.                                  
                                         
  - I?!?! - Dad was completely amazed. - Before- 
cha! Are you confusing anything? You have a father -  
quite an ordinary general director 
torus And he’s not even a computer scientist, much less  
Moreover, I am not a programmer!              
                                         
  - So what? - I don’t give up. - I don’t have any- 
No special knowledge is needed. Just   
I want to learn how to work and climb on it  
via the Internet. And you can do it.           
                                         
  - Daughter! - Dad whined. - Maybe I 
I’d better tell you why they appear 
children, and you will study computers with   
someone else?                       
                                         
  - Children appear as a result of elements 
container forgetfulness,” I sternly declare. 
- By the way, have you heard anything about con-   
conflict of generations? Are you generally aware of   
where do relationship problems begin?
tributes of fathers and sons? Dad looked at me
from under his brows, then sighed heavily and said 
hall:                                     
                                         
  - Well, okay. We'll start tomorrow  
engage. Just too much to absorb everything   
quickly and don’t torment me with questions!       
                                         
  - I won’t, I won’t, that’s itI'll learn quickly  
just instantly, especially with such    
a great teacher, - tongue twister 
I blurted out, kissed dad on the cheek and went
from the office.                             
                                         
  When I left, I looked over my shoulder, 
expecting to see dad, who boiled 
a tear in the corner of my eye accompanies me 
eyes, but saw only the back of his head and 
characteristic picture "Lines" on the monitor.
                                         
              ***              
                                         
         to be continued...