White parrot - Jokes about Stirlitz.

                                         
      AND ONE WARRIOR IN THE FIELD       
     (legends of Stirlitz)      
                                         
(C) people                                
-------------------------------------------------------
Once Stirlitz was repairing his Merc
Des Benz" and Mueller saw him.           
- But now it’s clear that you’re Russian...
witcher, - said Müller, - a real ari-
A man is repairing his car at a service center.    
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
One day Muller decided to arrange for Stirlitz
car accident. Muller machine
was faulty and he towed it to
service. The craftsmen demanded 350 for repairs
marks.                                   
- Yes, Stirlitz has done so much in his entire life
will not spy, - Muller decided and refused
from your idea.                          
Muller could not have known that in the car service
Stirlitz's people worked.                  
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Once upon a time at Stirlitzthe tank broke and he
called a plumber. But he came disguised as
Muller's overalls and fixed the problem.
Stirlitz, out of habit, gave him three rubles.   
“And here you are, Stirlitz,” said
Muller, - an Aryan would give a mark or at least
checks.                                    
“Sorry, Gruppenführer,” replied Stir-
persons, - I’m broke and so I had to overcome
live money with a Russian radio operator.          
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Once Stirlitz went to see Gestapo man Rolf
and asked him for washable wallpaper. Rolf
refused for a long time and finally gave one ruble
womb Having received the wallpaper, Stirlitz switched his conversation
thief at the radio operator. Stirlitz did this by creating
underwear.  Now, if Rolf is asked,
Why did Stirlitz come, Rolf will say:
talk about the radio operator.  And about the wallpaper
be silent.                                 
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Muller invited Stirlitz to work for non-
th.                                      
“But I’m already working for Schellenberg,” he said.
Stirlitz Hall, - what to do with the work book -
who?                                     
- What if I get a second one? - suggested Mul-
ler.                                     
“I know your tricks,” he disagreed.
Stirlitz.- You’ll send a gesta later -
povtsa check how much labor I have
books.                                  
- It’s scary to talk to you, Stirlitz,
- admitted Mueller. - You're just reading
my thoughts.                               
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Müller once invited Stirlitz to a pub in
hoping to sell him on a glass of beer. Od-
However, Stirlitz began to tell such in-
interesting jokes about the Fuhrer, that Müller
listened and accidentally paid. "Still
this Stirlitz is a brilliant agent, he thought
Mueller, what a clean job."          
Muller no longer invited Stirlitz to drink beer,
and if by chance I met him in a pub,
then he pretended that he didn’t recognize him.         
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
One day Stirlitz was walking along the narrow streets
old Bern. Three whores meet him.  
“Whores,” thought Stirlitz.              
“Stirlitz,” thought the whores.             
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
In the Imperial Chancellery in Hitler's office
The Fuhrer and Mussolini are talking. Suddenly in
Stirlitz bursts into the office, with the help of
mychekopens the safe, finds the necessary
documents to him and begins to calmly photograph
raffe. The Duce asks in surprise
interviewer:                               
-Who is this, my Fuhrer?                    
-  A!  The famous Soviet intelligence officer
kovnik Isaev.                            
- It’s strange, why don’t you arrest him?   
- It’s pointless - he’ll get out of it anyway.   
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Entering his office, Mueller was extremely
surprised to see Stirlitz standing there
next to the safe.                          
- What the hell are you doing here? -
he asked sternly.                       
“I’m waiting for the tram,” he answered calmly.
Stirlitz.                                 
Muller left the office and, walking along the corridor,
Doru, suddenly thought: “What the devil
take it apart, maybe there's a tram in mine
office?"                               
Returning to the office and not finding him there
Stirlitz, Muller thought: “Probably already
left."                                  
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
On major holidays, Stirlitz took out
safe accordion, bottle of vodka and faceted
glass, poured one hundred and fifty grams,
drank and then for about fifteen minutesplayed on
accordion  One day when he wanted
remember the Motherland, he did not find it in the safe
no accordion, no vodka. Stirlitz called
To Muller:                                 
- Is this your job?                       
-Are you talking about the accordion and vodka?         
- Yes.                                    
- You won't see them anymore.               
- Why?                                
- You’re not the only one who misses your homeland.         
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Müller looked out of the window and saw a hurrying
somewhere Stirlitz.                     
-Where is he going in such a hurry? - thought
Muller.                                  
“It’s none of your damn business,” thought Stir.
persons                                     
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Walking through the forest, Stirlitz looked into
hollow Someone's eyes were looking at him.    
“Woodpecker,” thought Stirlitz.              
“You’re a woodpecker yourself,” thought Muller.        
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Someone knocked persistently on the door. Stir-
opened his faces and saw a little girl on the threshold
little dog.- What do you want, fool? - asked Stirlitz.  
“I’m a fool myself,” answered the little dog, “I’m from
Center.                                  
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
- Where did you learn to drive like that?
Stirlitz? - Muller once asked.        
“In DOSAAF,” Stirlitz answered and thought
small: “Didn’t I blurt out something too much?”
him?"                                   
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
The doorbell rang. Stirlitz opened it. On the
Khotlof stood in the horn wearing a construction helmet.  
- What do you need, Hotlof? - asked Stir-
persons                                     
- Yes, I decided to stop by for a couple of drinks.
cell, sir.                                  
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
- Stirlitz, you are a Jew! I will order you to dis- 
shoot! - Muller shouted.             
- It's not true! I am Russian! - Stirlitz answered.
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Walking along the corridor, Stirlitz slightly
pushed the door to Bormann's office. The door is not
opened.  Stirlitz pushed harder. Re-
the result is the same. ThenStirlitz ran away
and hit the door with his shoulder. The door didn't open
las.                                    
“Locked,” Stirlitz decided.              
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Stirlitz was driving a car.  He's on the side of the road
suddenly I saw Mueller voting. Smile-
turning up, Stirlitz drove past. Through
how many minutes did it take him to see the voter again?
Go Muller, but again drove past. Yes
repeated several times. This forced
Stirlitz to think. Driving past Mülle
ra once again, Stirlitz guessed:   
- I guess I’m on the roundabout!      
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Stirlitz walked along the corridor and suddenly
collided with Borman.                   
- Heil Hitler! - Stirlitz stretched out.     
- Yes, it’s enough for you to act like a fool, Isaev, - from -
Borman said gloomily.                     
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
“So I figured you out, Stirlitz,” sarcastically
said Müller, “your fingerprints-
I managed to find it on my butt
this Russian pianist Kat. How do you do this
explain?                               
- Listen, Muller, II'm not asking
How did you find these prints?         
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Stirlitz walked through the forest with a young girl.
A shot rang out.  Drenched in blood, de-
the bird fell.                             
“They’re shooting,” thought Stirlitz.           
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Stirlitz left the house and came across a branch.
“You should go home, girls,” he said
Stirlitz, it’s a war after all...             
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Beginning of May forty-five. Hitler's bunker.
The Fuhrer wanders through the offices where they drink
senior officers. Nobody pays attention to him
attention. In one of the offices he encountered
gets along with Stirlitz.                     
“Heil Hitler,” Stirlitz shouts.        
- If only you, Maksimych, didn’t mock...  
                                         
                 x x x                 
                                         
Stirlitz woke up around two.            
“Nice girls,” he thought to himself.
Stirlitz, watching both dress and
put themselves in order.x x x                 
                                         
Deep night.  There's a knock on the door. Opens
owner. There is a man in a black cloak on the threshold,
black hat, dark glasses.              
- Do you sell a Slavic wardrobe? -
he asks in a whisper.                   
- Stirlitz lives in a neighboring mansion, -
the owner tells the visitor in a whisper.        
                                         
                                         
           Pavel Ass           
         behind enemy lines          
    Parody of television advertising     
                                         
   It is very difficult to work behind German lines.
Constantly fearing failure is correct.
answer the tricky questions of the cunning
Muller, hit a stupid guy over the head with a bottle
Holtoff, drinking with the vulgar Icema-
nom. Get wet in the rain, track someone
vaya, meet with the radio operator, hide
from the chase. It's very hard!             
   But Stirlitz solved this problem for himself
- Snickers!  Roasted peanuts, thick cara-
shallow and a thick, thick layer of chocolate!    
                                         
                  * * *                  
                                         
    N A R O D u VON STIRLIZ    
                                         
The most complete collection of jokes. Publishing house
third version, supplemented and corrected.  
-------------------------------------------------------
                                         
- Pavel Andreevich, are you a spy?             
- How can I tell you, Yura...            
                                         
   Part 1. SOME FACTS.   
                                         
1. Stirlitz woke up in a prison cell.
He didn't remember at all how he got here.
what date is it today and what is it like in the city
power. After much thought, he finally
The German decided that if a Gestapo man came in,
you will have to say: "Heil Hitler, I -
SS Standartenführer von Stirlitz," and if
A Soviet soldier will come in and introduce himself:
"I am Colonel Isaev." At this moment
the policeman dits and says: “Well, we got drunk
You were yesterday, Comrade Tikhonov."              
                                         
2. “Stirlitz,” Muller said wearily, “
You got away when we discovered yours
fingers on the suitcase of a Russian pianist.
You got away when we found them on
government telephone receivercommunications.
But now you can’t get away! Why your
Does the ID smell like Russian vodka?!! -
You know, Müller, - no less tired of -
Stirlitz said, - when Schellenberg put
there's a stamp on my ID, it's pre-
breathed heavily on her.                   
                                         
3. Hitler receives Mus-
saltini. Suddenly the door swings open and he walks in
Stirlitz, not paying attention to anyone,
goes to the safe, opens it with his
key and begins to rummage through it, throwing out
throwing unnecessary documents on the floor.           
 - Who is this? - the Duce asks in surprise. 
 - Russian intelligence officer Isaev, - indifferent
The Fuhrer answers in a loud tone, “We have Stirli-
Tsem is listed.                            
 - So why don't you arrest him?    
 - Oh, he’ll get away anyway.              
                                         
4. By the end of the war, Germany's position was
so deplorable that even in the Reich Chancellery
Riya had to stand in line to
go to buy sausages. However, Stirlitz
contrary to all norms of behavior, always
I took it without waiting in line. The Gestapo are very indignant
shared this. They did not yet know that Heroes
Soviet Union are served out of turn-
di.                                      
                                         
5. On February 23, Stirlitz put on his old one,
favorite budenovka, picked up a red one
banner and, chantingrevolutionary songs,
went to the Reich Chancellery.  On this day he
was closer than ever to failure.        
                                         
6. Stirlitz didn’t show up for work for a week.
The Gestapo men sent to search found him
at the dacha, drunk to the point of insensibility and le-
pressing on the floor among water bottles
ki. Nearby was an encrypted message: “The task is...
full successfully, you can relax."    
                                         
7. A car drove up to Stirlitz’s dacha. From
Muller came out accompanied by a platoon
Gestapo men.  He knocked on the door. "Who
Do you need it?" they asked from behind the door. "I
“We need Stirlitz,” said Muller.  "And me
“I’m not at home,” Stirlitz answered from behind the door.
Muller swore, got into the car and drove away.
So Stirlitz drove the Ges-
tapo for the nose.                             
                                         
8. Stirlitz entered the Elefant cafe. "This
Stirlitz, now there will be a fight,” said
one of the visitors. Stirlitz drank a cup of
I got some coffee and went out. “No,” the second objected.
visitor - this is not Stirlitz."  "No,
Stirlitz!” the first one shouted. And then it began
there was a fight.                              
                                         
9. Stirlitz walked through Berlin. Muller found out
not a Soviet intelligence officer, but not according to the PPSh,
carelessly thrown over the shoulder, and not on
parachute draggingbehind, and on the glue-
mu of the Bolshevichka factory, which was forgotten
rip from the inside pocket of the jacket
truly Russian carelessness.          
                                         
10. Muller calls Stirlitz and says:
"Tomorrow is a communist subbotnik, turnout
required."  Stirlitz answers “Yes” and,
Realizing that he failed, he sits down at the table and,
not noticing Müller's surprised look,
writes: "I, Standartenführer von Stirlitz on
in fact I am a Soviet intelligence officer
com."  Mueller, having read this report, called
nit to Schellenberg and says: “Walter, come on!”
baby, look what your people come up with -
They say not to go to the cleanup day."     
                                         
11. Hitler’s call to Stalin: “Stalin, yours
people didn't take secrets from my safe
documents?" - “I’ll find out.”                  
    Stalin's call to Stirlitz: "Stirlitz, you
took secret documents from Hitler's safe
cops?"  - “That’s right, Comrade Stalin.” -
"So put it down, people are worried." 
                                         
12. - What color are my panties? - ask
Sil Muller.                              
 “Red,” he answered without hesitation.
Stirlitz.                                 
 - So you got caught! - exclaimed Mul-
ler, - No one but me knows the color of my panties
only a Russian pianist!                  
 “Don’t be a fool, Müller,” calmly
repliedStirlitz, - and fasten your fly. 
                                         
13. Stirlitz was informed that he had in Russia
and a son was born. You stingy male tear
rolled out of his eye. Stirlitz was not at
Homeland is already seven years old.                     
                                         
14. Pleischner threw himself out of the window on the fifth
times.  The ampoule with poison in the mouth is not broken -
lass...                                  
                                         
15. Stirlitz entered the office and saw Mul-
Lera in Budenovka, sitting on the table and ig-
parading on the balalaika. "Yes, Stirlitz, - me-
Müller said lacholically, “You’re not alone.”
you miss your homeland."                     
                                         
16. "What is two and two?" - asked
Muller.  Stirlitz thought about it. Of course he
knew how much two times two would be, he knew
this was recently reported from the center, but he did not
knew if Mueller knew it. And if he knows
then who told him. Maybe Caltebru-
ner?  Then negotiations with Dulles reached
dead end                                   
                                         
17. Himmler calls his employee.  
 - Name a two-digit number.            
 - 45.                                   
 - Why not 54?                       
 - because 45!                       
Himmler writes the characteristic "character
Nordic" and calls the next one.      
 - Name a two-digit number.            
 - 28.                                   
 - Why not 82?                      
 - You can, of course, have 82, but 28 is better.    
Himmler writes the characteristic "character
close to Nordic" and causes the following
no matter what.                                    
 - Name a two-digit number.            
 - 33.                                   
 - Why not... Oh, it’s you, Stirlitz.    
                                         
18. - Stirlitz, you are a Jew!                 
    - What are you talking about, Muller, I’m Russian.         
    - And I am German.                    
                                         
19. "Heil Hitler!"  - said Stirlitz,
entering Mueller's office. "Stirlitz, -
Muller answered irritably, “if you don’t
quit these Kinchev ways, I’ll write
to "Soviet culture"                 
                                         
20. "Stirlitz, do you know these boots?" -
Muller asked. Stirlitz would recognize these bo-
Teens out of a thousand. They were made of leather
Pastor Schlag.                           
                                         
21. Stirlitz was walking through Berlin and saw
The inscription "Stirlitz is a fool" on the wall. Only
he alone realized that he had been awarded the title
Hero of the Soviet Union.                  
                                         
22. April 1945.Defeat of Germany
obviously. Hitler walks around the Reich Chancellery
and sees the same picture everywhere: official
cers get drunk and don’t even pay attention
against his Fuhrer. But going into one of
offices, Hitler discovers Stirlitz,
who sits at the table and works. Uvi-
virgin head of the Third Reich, Stirlitz jumped up
howls, raises his hand and shouts:
"Heil Hitler!" In response, the Fuhrer wearily pro-
says: “Maksimych, at least you don’t
teased."                             
                                         
23. Müller rushed at breakneck speed to
car.  And Stirlitz walked next to him, making
looks like he's walking.               
                                         
24. "Stirlitz, if you don't pay for
electricity, we will turn off your radio."   
                                         
25. Stirlitz went for mushrooms, but nothing
I couldn’t find it and stuck my face in the snow.         
                                         
26. Stirlitz walked around the Reich Chancellery with
unbuttoned fly, from which protrudes
red panties fell off. And no one will guess -
I thought that this was how he celebrated the First of May.   
                                         
27. Stirlitz’s car broke down. He came out
and began to dig into the engine. "Stirlitz, you -
Russian intelligence officer," said a passer-by
past Müller. - "A German would give his car-
Well, to the car service."28.  Switzerland, Bern.  Stirlitz and the pastor
Schlag is sitting in a restaurant. The pastor noticed
that Stirlitz eats with his hands, makes the remark:
"Mr. Stirlitz, we must take the sausage
with a fork."                                 
 Voice-over: "Stirlitz, of course,
I knew that you had to pick up the sausage with a fork, but
he wanted so much to stay for a moment
yourself."                            
                                         
29. The door to Bormann's office swung open and
the stranger who appeared on the threshold clearly
Vo said, looking Bormann straight in the eyes:
 - The elephants are going north.                  
 - Elephants go to hell! - Borman flared up. 
- And Stirlitz’s office is on the floor above.        
                                         
   Part 2. STIRLITS IS THINKING.    
                                         
1. Stirlitz doused the cat with gasoline and set it on fire.
The cat ran ten meters and fell.
“The gasoline has run out,” Stirlitz guessed.  
                                         
2. Stirlitz walked through the forest and saw people with
with sticks.  “Skiers,” thought Stirlitz.
“Stirlitz,” the fishermen thought.            
                                         
3. Stirlitz walked along the banks of the Spree and saw
man sitting with a fishing rod. "How's the bite?"
- asked Stirlitz.“Okay,” replied
man. “Fisherman,” guessed Stirlitz. 
                                         
4. Muller was walking down the street. Suddenly he
a brick fell. “Those are the times,” I thought
Muller.  “Those two,” thought Stirlitz,
throwing the second brick.                    
                                         
5.a) Stirlitz walked along the corridor. "But this is
Stirlitz is coming,” thought Muller. "Yes, it is
“I’m coming,” thought Stirlitz.               
  b) Muller looked out of the window and saw
Stirlitz.  "Where is he going?" - thought
Muller. “None of your damn business,” I thought
Stirlitz.                                 
                                         
6. Stirlitz saw 38 irons on the window and
I realized that the turnout had failed.                 
                                         
7. Muller was walking through the forest and heard a knock.
“Woodpecker,” thought Muller. "You yourself are...
bodies," thought Stirlitz, folding up the
tion.                                     
                                         
8. Stirlitz saw people in the Soviet military
uniform, in camouflage suits and with machine guns.
“Scouts,” Stirlitz guessed.       
                                         
9.a) Stirlitz walked with radio operator Kat in pairs
ku. Someone shot Kat in the head. "Str-
“they are,” thought Stirlitz.                
  b) Stirlitz walked with radio operator Kat along the
ku.  A shot rang out, Kat fell, bleeding
blood.Stirlitz became wary.            
                                         
10. Stirlitz walked along Red Square and saw
cases 38 irons. “Irons,” thought Stir-
faces.  “Weak skit under the Bundes,” - think
mali irons.                              
                                         
11. Müller walked through the Reich Chancellery and saw
affairs of Stirlitz standing in front of the door
Himmler.  "Stirlitz, what are you doing here-
those?" - "I'm waiting for the tram." After walking a little further,
Muller turned around. There was no Stirlitz. "V-
Dimo waited,” Muller decided.          
                                         
12. On Monday, Stirlitz was taken to
execution. “Yes, the week is starting off hard,”
- thought Stirlitz.                       
                                         
13. Stirlitz was driving in his car and
I saw Mueller voting. "Muller" -
thought Stirlitz.  “Stirlitz,” I thought
Muller.  Half an hour later it happened again
one more time. “Ring,” thought Stirlitz.
“He’s kidding me,” thought Müller.          
                                         
14. Stirlitz walked through Berlin and saw a pros-
title. “Lack of time,” thought Stirlitz.   
                                         
15. Stirlitz pushed the door.  The door is not
opened. Stirlitz pushed harder. door
didn't even move. Stirlitz hit but-
goy. With the same success. Stirlitz ran away
and rushedon the door with your whole body. The door is not
gave in. “Closed,” Stir guessed.
persons                                     
                                         
16. Stirlitz saw an avalanche and blew
small: "Poor pastor, he never learned
go skiing."                        
                                         
17. Hearing an ominous hissing, Stirlitz
I put the whole clip into the sound and thought:
"Poor pastor, he never learned
whistle."                               
                                         
18. Stirlitz walked along the corridor. Passed by
Kat.  Two Gestapo men were carrying something behind her.
given “On vacation,” Stirlitz guessed.    
                                         
19. -Stirlitz, where did you learn so well?
shoot,” Muller asked.              
 “In DOSSAAF,” Stirlitz answered and thought
small: “Didn’t I say anything unnecessary?”
huh?"                                     
                                         
20. Stirlitz entered Mueller’s office and
I saw him lying lifeless on the floor.   
 “I got poisoned, poor fellow,” he thought, love-
literally stroking the one lodged in Müller
por.                                     
                  -----                  
                                         
1. Stirlitz told a vulgar joke and
made Muller blush."Look what
sensitive,” thought Stirlitz and ordered
dug a barrel.                               
                                         
2. At 8.30 Stirlitz went into the machine bureau. Into this
time here you could always get rich
some secret document - that's all
typists went to watch "Santa Barba"
ru"...                                   
                                         
3. Stirlitz sat by the open window and wrote
report. A fly buzzed annoyingly near him,
Stirlitz waved his hand, the fly flew out into the
but... “Just like Pleischner,” thought Stier-
persons                                     
                                         
4. Stirlitz walked through Berlin at night. Suddenly
he heard a crash. He would recognize this crack
out of thousands of others, it was Bormann's moped.
                                         
5. Stirlitz approached Alexanderplatz, and
so as not to attract attention, he crossed it
in Plastun style.                           
                                         
6. Stirlitz went into Mueller’s office and said
audience: "Herr Müller, would you like to become
Red intelligence agent?  You're feeling good
will pay." Muller indignantly refused -
Xia. Then, already leaving the room, Stirlitz
asked: “Gruppenführer, do you have a tablet?”
headache current? Stirlitz knew that
the last phrase from the conversation is remembered
for.7. Stirlitz entered the restaurant and approached
table and decided to take off his jacket. Frau Kit-
The body was not filmed.                       
                                         
8. Of all the doctors, Stirlitz is the most
respected the dentist.  He helped him keep
hold your tongue behind your teeth.                     
                                         
9. Stirlitz loved edged weapons. It would-
lo indispensable means for applying
to the head after drinking.                   
                                         
10. Mueller:                              
 - Admit it, Stirlitz, that you didn’t refuse-
Would you like to sit somewhere on the bench right now?
regulating the Volga with a fishing rod?                    
Stirlitz:                                 
 - I can’t go to Russia now, gruppenfu-
rer, I haven’t had any party fees for many years
paid!                                 
                                         
11. Schellenberg calls Stirlitz and asks
sews:                                  
 - Stirlitz, do you think, before the May
holidays the war will last?             
 - It will last until the May holidays, even
until Victory Day.                           
                                         
12. Eustace-Alex:                        
 - Will you drink?                          
                                         
     Chapter 1. One-step.     
                                         
1. There was a blast from the window. Stirlitz went to the window.
The muzzle disappeared.                            
                                         
2. Stirlitz shot at point-blank range, the point-blank fell.  
                                         
3. The Gestapo men parked the car.
"Poor pastor," thought Stirlitz.      
                                         
4. The lamp shone, but did not give any light.
Stirlitz turned off the lamp and Sveta gave.      
                                         
5. Radio operator Kat got into the car and gave
zu. She didn't know that Gaz works on ab-
ver.                                     
                                         
6. Stirlitz ran in leaps and bounds. Pitching coming soon
lagged behind.                                 
                                         
7. Stirlitz knew for sure. But probably not
knew Stirlitz.                           
                                         
8. Stirlitz put his hand in his pocket. "This is co-
Man, where's the gun?" - flashed through
his brain. The gun was in another pocket.
                                         
9. Stirlitz opened the safe and pulled out a note
Muller. Muller shouted loudly and resisted
cried.                                   
10. a) Stirlitz fell from the tenth floor and
miraculously caught on the balcony. The miracle is swollen
and made it difficult to walk.                         
  b) Stirlitz was attacked by five SS men.
Two held his arms, two held his legs, one
- head. Stirlitz miraculously fought back. Miracle
It fell for three days and made it difficult to walk.            
                                         
11. Stirlitz walked down the street and looked up.
These were Pastor Schlag's blue eyes.    
                                         
12. Stirlitz shot Muller in the head.
The bullet bounced off.  “Armored,” I thought
Stirlitz.                                 
                                         
13. The bullet hit Stirlitz in the head. "One-
"explosive," - having thought about it, he guessed
Stirlitz.                                 
                                         
14. Stirlitz fell from the fourteenth floor.
He hasn’t yet spread his brains so widely
had to.                             
                                         
15. Stirlitz fired from two machine guns at
queues. The queue was noticeably thinning.         
                                         
16. Stirlitz bent over the map. Its not-
I was uncontrollably vomiting to go home.                
                                         
17. Stirlitz crossed his legs. On the next
blowing day The Gestapo took me leg by leg.
                                         
18. Stirlitz sat down inraskoryaku. Raskoryaka
started up and drove off.                        
                                         
19. Stirlitz came out of the sea and lay down on the galley
ku. Svetka was offended and left.             
                                         
20. Stirlitz had a chill. Chills served in
Gestapo.                                 
                                         
21. Stirlitz, Bormann and Hitler play
preference Stirlitz: "Stalingrad." Hitler:
"What, again?!"                           
                                         
22. Stirlitz got up early and pulled the
weighed  He didn’t know that Early in the Morning and For-
sample - Romanian intelligence officers.          
                                         
23. The Gestapo surrounded all the exits, but Stir-
persons left through the entrance.                    
                                         
24. In his haste, Stirlitz left secrets
documents.  The next day in Popykhi
The Gestapo arrived.                       
                                         
25. Stirlitz jumped out the window in an instant. "MIG"
roared and disappeared into the clouds.             
                                         
26. Stirlitz lit the stove. In an hour the stove
drowned.                                 
                                         
27. Stirlitz waddled. He didn't know
that "Razvalka" is closed.                  
                                         
28. Stirlitz was skipping. In "Jump"
they gave me beer.                             
                                         
29. Stirlitz walked through the forest and saw blue
ate.  When he returned, the blue ones were already
drank.                                    
                                         
30. Having met the Gestapo, Stirlitz snatched
he pulled the saber and shouted: “I’ll chop you!” Gesta-
The Povtsy chipped in a ruble and ran away.      
                                         
31. Stirlitz regained control of himself and soon fell asleep.
                                         
32. Stirlitz went to bed and, a little
later, fell asleep.                           
                                         
33. Lead was flying towards Stirlitz.  Stirlitz
turned the corner. Lead with grunting industrial
passed by.                              
                                         
34. Stirlitz put his hat on one side. Nabek-
Ren went home without a hat.               
                                         
35. The room stank.  Stirlitz entered
room. No one else saw the stink.   
                                         
36. “Touch it,” Stirlitz said to the driver.
The driver started and Stirlitz drove off.           
                                         
37. a) Muller revealed Stirlitz’s appearance, but
got hit in the face and didn't take strangers anymore
cigarettes.                                 
  b)Stirlitz walked through the city in search of
ki, but only “Prima” and “Rodo-
pi".                                     
                                         
38. Stirlitz was talking nonsense.  Nonsense is desperate
screamed.                                 
                                         
39. Stirlitz arrived at the Gestapo tipsy and
placed cheerfully under the windows of Mul-
Lera.                                    
                                         
40. Stirlitz came to a conclusion. But no conclusion
turned out to be at home.                          
                                         
41. Stirlitz was a pervert. Therefore, in
Vrashchentsy erected a monument to him.        
                                         
42. Stirlitz threw the pistol into his pocket.
Karman dodged.                       
                                         
43. Stirlitz and Muller walked around Berlin and
saw women.  "Shall we take it off?"  - suggested
Stirlitz.  “Why?” answered Muller.
Let them hang."                            
                                         
44. Stirlitz was sitting in the car. And at this time
in a bunker deep underground, Hitler pulled away
its end was dying.                        
                                         
45. Stirlitz fed German children by stealing
coy. From stealing, the children grew plump and died.      
                                         
46. ​​Stirlitz went outside. Ruzhawas thai-
ny agent of the Polish infanta.            
                                         
                  -----                  
                                         
   It was blowing from the window. Stirlitz went to the window.
The muzzle did not disappear.                         
                                         
   Stirlitz came out of the tavern and fell on his face
fell asleep in the mud. In 15 minutes he will wake up -
xia - the ref developed over the years will work
lex.                                    
                                         
   Stirlitz thought.  He liked it and
I decided to think again.                  
                                         
   Stirlitz entered the restaurant and tried
remove the jacket. Frau Kitel did not act.  
                                         
   Stirlitz walked to the door and quietly
opened it. The light came on. He closed the door
- the light went out. Stirlitz opened the door again
- the light came on again. Closed the door - light
went out.  Stirlitz opened the door for the third time -
the light came on. He closed the door and the light went out. 
   - Fridge! - Stirlitz guessed.   
                                         
   Stirlitz got into the car and said to Kat:    
 - Touch it!                               
   Kat touched it and said:              
 - Wow!Chapter 2. Two-way.     
                                         
1. Stirlitz was walking through the forest and ran into
bitches  The bitches ran away screaming. Squeal be-
stung first.                              
                                         
2. a) Stirlitz shot at the blind. Blind
fell down as if knocked down. Mown Stir-
persons shot the day before.                  
   b) Stirlitz shot at the blind. Blind
fell backwards. He squealed and ran away. 
                                         
     Chapter 3. Three steps.     
                                         
1.  Stirlitz fought with passion.  Ogonyok
fought as hard as he could. Maybe the guy was cool. A
The tough one didn't favor weaklings.             
                                         
       Part 4. EPILOGUE.        
                                         
   Muller called Stirlitz and asked:     
 - Stirlitz, where you and I could before
meet?                             
 - Maybe in Spain in 1936?          
 - No, Stirlitz, before.                 
 - Maybe in China in the twenties?       
 - No, Stirlitz, even earlier.             
 - Don't know.- Well, what are you doing, Petka!                 
 - Vasily Ivanovich!                     
                                         
                 ------                  
                                         
        Andrey Vansovich        
     1000 AND ONE EXPANSION     
                                         
 YEAR 2049. ANTARCTICA.    
     POLE OF INACESSIBILITY.      
                                         
  A barefoot man lay motionless on the ice.
His eyes were closed, his pulse was already
I haven't felt it for a year.  Freshly ironed
the uniform of the SS Standartenführer was very suitable
to the simple Russian face of a true Aryan. 
                                         
 MEMORY:                 
  As long as Maxim Maksimovich could remember himself
Isaev, he always dealt only with small
terrorist acts: littered in the cab-
netach Müller and Schellenberg, cut out on
words unusual for Germans on the tables,
put buttons on Himmler's chair. This
he managed to completely demoralize
the entire Nazi elite. ANDnow but-
the center's mission...                    
                                         
 ANTARCTICA. CURRENT MOMENT.   
  The man opened his eyes... Sensitive lethargy -
his dream greatly refreshed Stirlitz. Effort-
He forced himself to warm up again
became collected and ready to fight. "9 o'clock 57
minutes," - as always, unmistakably
lil scout, looking at the non-setting
Sun.   Then I listened to the screams
penguins... "They save on vowels, - ma-
he noted casually, like all southerners.
So I’m in Antarctica!”... The fifth toro-
sa to the left of the horizon it should have been
wait for the Center's encryption.                   
                                         
 MEMORY:                 
  Stirlitz was with his contacts, Er-
wine and Kat, although he had no right to meet
deal with them under any circumstances
affairs. But the situation was becoming desperate
yanny: on instructions from the Center, Kat was pregnant
Menna. And this is not the first year...            
  ...Kat tiredly took off her headphones.          
  “Turn away,” she said to Erwin and
Stirlitz, - I need to hide the walkie-talkie. Not
rising from the chair, she put down her suitcase
to a safe place...                      
                                         
 ANTARCTICA. CURRENT MOMENT.   
  Fifth hummock on the left. Heaps of garbage around
Stirlitz’s relatives near Moscow reminded him
forests.  “Like ours,” with a well-hidden
he thought warmly.                     
                                         
 MEMORY:                 
  Stirlitz walked leisurely along Tsvetochnaya
street. Suddenly he noticed on the door a
Opposite there is an announcement: “Show up failed!
The nearest failed turnout is around the corner."
  “The turnout failed,” Stirlitz guessed and
instantly became a conspiracy.             
                                         
 ANTARCTICA. CURRENT MOMENT.   
  Next to the information of Moscow Stirlitz about-
I found an encryption from Sashenka...          
  The scout recalled how several ten
decades ago he was first shown it
wife and children. He was then flying from Paris to
America, they are from Istanbul to Constantinople
pol.  For a moment their planes drew level.
Stirlitz leaned to the porthole and saw
an unfamiliar woman in the uniform of a state major
gift security.  Next to her
there was a crowd of guys. The children waved their hands and
They chanted in unison: “Pa-pa! Pa-pa!” Their
The cry continued to be heard for a long time among the clouds.
After this, Stirlitz is the only time you
went out of self-control and, in spite of everything
instructionsCenter, I saw my dear one in a dream
village of N-skie Lopuhi.                   
                                         
 MEMORY:                 
  Mueller's office. Through a tightly closed
Stirlitz enters the door.                    
  Muller: Stirlitz, your fingerprints
we found fingers in Russian language
distke! How can you explain this?     
  Stirlitz: I accidentally leaned against him in the subway. 
  Müller: In addition, you were seen on February 23
deli on the streets of Berlin with a red banner
him! What do you say to this?            
  Stirlitz: Truly, it’s worth noting once
It's Red Army Day - they will say that
betrayed the Motherland!                           
  The disgraced Müller transformed before our eyes
was turning into a political corpse.               
                                         
 ANTARCTICA. CURRENT MOMENT.   
  "Eustace to Alex. At the bird market for-
marked a lot of tracks. It is possible that
among them there are traces of Muller. Yus."     
  "To Eustace. This is an apartment! The center is from here
moved a long time ago! Stop it immediately
bully and bombard us with their thoughts
military reports!!! Vasily Nikodimov,
pensioner of strategic importance."     
                                         
                 ------ Stirlitz in Relcom       
                                         
Stirlitz receives an address in Relcom:        
 - What name will you choose?  - asks
Relcom representative.                   
 “Otto,” Stirlitz answers.             
 - What is the password?                       
 “Isaev,” he answered without blinking an eye.
Stirlitz.                                 
                                         
Stirlitz writes an article in a teleconference:
"Hi, All"..., but then quickly corrects it
to "Hi Hitler!!!"                        
                                         
Shtirlitz has not received letters from his homeland for a long time.
“Probably the gate to Russia has been closed again” -
thought Stirlitz.                         
                                         
Stirlitz sends a report to the center:
"Jgznm rae^fkb `nb velfrb". - @#$%^! -
Stirlitz swore and switched the register to
Russian.                                 
                                         
Stirlitz looks through his email.
Müller enters unnoticed.  At Stirlitz's
a meaningless set appears on the screen
characters.                                
"Encryption!!!" - thought Muller.          
“UUENCODE,” thought Stirlitz.More jokes about Stirlitz   
   =========================   
                                         
 -Will you return it? - without much hope in
Muller asked Stirlitz in a voice to borrow
Give that 100 marks.                      
 - Fuck I will!                             
  But Müller already knew what would happen - Stier-
people have never repaid their debts.     
                                         
 Recruiting Stirlitz, Muller asks a question about
questionnaire:                                  
 - How old are you?                      
 Stirlitz had a chance to flirt:  
 - How much would you give me?             
 Müller considered himself a subtle wit:     
 - Lifetime.                           
                                         
 The letter from the Center did not reach Stirlitz.
He re-read it again, but still didn’t get it.
went.                                     
                                         
 - Listen, Lavrenty! Do you have children?  
 - Eat.                                 
 - And Shtyrlitz has no! Not good!.. It is necessary  
do it!                                 
                                         
   During the air raid raid Stirlitz
made his way into Schellenberg's office. He doesn't-
when I never missed the opportunity to call
Moscow for free.Stirlitz walked along Red Square and saw
a hundred irons. “Irons,” thought Stir-
persons  “Weak skit under the Bundes,” - think
mali irons.                              
                                         
   Walking along the corridor, Stirlitz pushed
Bormann's office door. The door didn't open
las.  Stirlitz pushed harder. The door is not
opened.  Then Stirlitz ran away and
hit the door with his shoulder.  The door doesn't open
las.                                    
   Copellan's voice-over: "On yourself,
idiot! The door is on you!"                
                                         
   Stirlitz was informed via FIDO that he had
a son was born in Russia. Stingy men's trail
rolled out of Colonel Isaev's eye
- on this day his son turned
nine years - this is how it worked in military conditions
FIDO time.                     
                                         
   On February 23, Stirlitz sat by the fireplace and
remembering the Motherland I baked Snickers in the ashes, and
at this time Müller was torturing radio operator Kat
sweet sticks.                      
                                         
   Stirlitz sat by the open window and wrote
report. A fly buzzed annoyingly near him.
Stirlitz waved his hand, the fly flew out into the
but...  “Just like Pleischner,” I thought
Stirlitz.“Cracked up...” thought Stirlitz,
picking up a professor's skull from the sidewalk
Pleischner.                               
                                         
   “Where is this poison,” thought Pleischner,
finishing the third pack of Belomor.       
                                         
   Stirlitz went to the Abwehr residence and
door I saw: "Residence of the Soviet
intelligence".                               
   “Glasnost,” Stirlitz guessed.     
                                         
   Stirlitz endlessly fired back at
enemies - the end of him has already been shot off...     
                                         
   - I just can’t, Stirlitz, get used to
because you are a Russian spy! - said Bor-
man.                                     
 - What's wrong with that?! Lenin, for example
- German!                              
                                         
   Stirlitz accompanied Pastor Schlag to Switzerland
to the king.  As soon as he helped him fasten the
take off your skis - there was a strong explosion, and
an ugly radioaccent rose from behind the mountain
tive cloud.                           
   - Go to the noise of the power plant, pastor,
fortunately now it is not only audible, but also
visible! - said Stirlitz and thought: “Next-
How advanced are Runge’s competitors!”Professor Pleischner drank poison and jumped
from the window, shot himself on the fly, fell, and
a truck ran over, and then a tram. A
then a guy got off the tram and finished off
professor with a crowbar.                  
                                         
   1942. Off the coast of fascist Germany
A tanker explodes. crawls ashore
Soviet intelligence officer Stirlitz, spitting
from oil:                                
   - Oh, damned fascists! Smoking, you see
Yes, they are prohibited!                     
                                         
   Stirlitz came out without an umbrella.              
   “It’s raining,” thought Stirlitz.    
   “You’re dripping yourself,” thought the rain.    
                                         
   Stirlitz relieved himself in front of his eyes
at Mueller. Muller wiped his eyes and left.   
                                         
   Stirlitz was walking down the street and suddenly saw a blue
Ms.  “Oh, fuck it,” thought Stirlitz and laughed.
lo stepped. The puddle was up to our ears.        
                                         
   Stirlitz comes out of the bar and resists
nose against the wall.                           
   - And since when did the walls become covered-
“Let’s hit the asphalt,” thought Stirlitz.       
                                         
   Stirlitz did not like to drive a car with
brakes. He despised the brakes, and the brakes
I loved to shoot myself.Stirlitz was walking down the street and suddenly heard
engine noise from behind. "Not a tram, it will go around"
- thought Stirlitz. It turned out to be a tram.  
                                         
   Stirlitz cooked crayfish. The crayfish turned red.
"Our!" - Stirlitz rejoiced.           
                                         
   In anticipation of a pleasant evening, Stir-
persons sat and looked outside. Yes, Ruzha was
girl what you need.                        
                                         
   Stirlitz had been suffering from constipation for a year. Finally
Stirlitz could not stand it and lubricated the constipation with oil
scrap                                     
                                         
   Stirlitz stroked the cat. The cat died.
“Strange,” thought Stirlitz and spat
on the iron.                                 
                                         
   - Stirlitz, why don’t you have a snack?
- Muller asks with suspicion. - You
what, Russian?                            
   “We Germans are a frugal people,”
Stirlitz was talking.                           
                                         
   - Someday I will have a gene-
Ral dacha, almost the same, - allowed
sometimes I dream about Stirlitz, looking at
your home in a Berlin suburb.        
                                         
   Stirlitz is lying in a puddle.  Looks past
men are walking - in harnesses, helmets...- Speleologists... - thought Stirlitz.   
    - You yourself are a dirty pig! - thought
climbers...                            
                                         
   Stirlitz walked down the street in the evening
Happy Hanoi. Suddenly he came out to meet him
dragon.                                  
   “Fortunately,” thought Stirlitz.       
   “For dinner,” thought the dragon.          
                                         
 SS soldiers burst into a safe quarter
dash.  There was no one there. They don't
assumed that Stirlitz was lying on the
horseman disguised as a lone
cigarette butt                                  
                                         
   In the morning, as always, Stirlitz did his best.
His own, as always, did not bend!            
   “It would be better if you didn’t bend in the evening,”
thought Stirlitz, conquering the rebellious...     
                                         
   Stirlitz walked across the square. He was surrounded
Gestapo. Stirlitz portrayed the crowd. Gestapo
shot the crowd. Among the dead Stirlitz
it didn't turn out.                            
                                         
   Muller:                               
   - Stirlitz! Your neighbors are complaining that
you in the morning the anthem of the Soviet Union thunders on
the whole area!                              
   - What else can get you out of bed?
Soviet man at six in the morning?        
                                         
   Walking along the corridor of the RSHA on February 23, Stir-
I met Bormann with an accordion on the way
someone in a vest.                       
   “Thank you, senior comrade,” I thought.
Stirlitz, if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t even remember
nil, today is not only the day of the Soviet
Army, but also Navy.       
                                         
   Stirlitz walked along the corridor of the RSHA. Minted
he walked up to the bust of Hitler and
spat in his eye. After standing for a little while
he stood at attention and raised his
hand said:                             
   - Heil Hitler!                       
   “Conspiracy, however,” thought Stir-
faces, and satisfied with himself he moved on.     
                                         
   Stirlitz ate jacket potatoes. War
had already ended, and he was not afraid of getting it dirty
roll                                    
                                         
 A fly landed on Stirlitz's shoulder. "They're watching"
- thought Stirlitz.                       
                                         
   Stirlitz got into the car and shouted:       
   - Drive!                               
   Five minutes later, from the back seat
it smelled like fresh moonshine.                  
                                         
   Stirlitz brought Pastor Schlag to sewing
royal border. The border represented a
fight gorge withsteep edges, between the
with which a thin rope was pulled. Stirlitz
gave the pastor a friendly pat on the back,
took a few hesitant steps and
screaming and fell into the abyss.              
   - But he doesn’t know how to walk at all.
along the tightrope, thought Stirlitz.            
                                         
   Colonel Isaev was once asked:  
   - What is the difference between a scout and   
spy?                                 
   - The scout is ours, and the spy is  
them.                                      
                                         
   Müller read an advertisement in the newspaper:
"A pop group urgently needs a pianist." 
   “Pastor Schlag has gone completely crazy,” he said.
small Muller.                              
                                         
   Something made Stirlitz stand out from others
residents of Berlin. Was it courageous?
ny profile, either a strong-willed posture, or
the parachute canopy trailing behind him.      
                                         
   Stirlitz sat by the fireplace and knitted. Elm-
the sound calmed Stirlitz. After graduation
knitting left tied by the fireplace
Muller.                                  
                                         
   Stirlitz came home and silently closed everything
windows and doors, lowered blackout
curtains, lit the fireplace and turned on the water
bathroom Only then did he open the safe,took out a bottle of vodka and a plate of sa-
plate.  He drank the bottle straight from his throat -
screw, and then thought a little and quietly
fell face first into the salad.  Kopelyan's vote for
frame: "Only once a year, February 23-
ralya intelligence colonel Maxim Maksimovich
Isaev allowed himself to remember that
he is an officer of the Soviet Army."            
                                         
   Stirlitz was driving through Berlin and noticed
corner of Friedrichsstrasse man in long-
a red army overcoat and budenovka,
lazily chopping passers-by with a sample saber
1911.                               
   “Messenger,” Stirlitz realized.         
                                         
   Along Friedrichstrasse in the direction of Reichs-
office in the brand new Red Army
Stirlitz was moving in uniform. Past on a motorbike
The Gestapo passed by.                 
   “Rockers,” thought Stirlitz.           
   “Punk,” thought the Gestapo.         
                                         
 - What is your name?  - asked Stirlitz
your new radio operator.                     
   -  Kate.                              
   - Katyusha, that is! Good name, clean
Russian. And me - Stirlitz.               
                                         
   After the next communication session Stirlitz
Jumped with his bare feet on the radio panel:  
   - Now let Mueller's people look for something...a trapper with such fingerprints! -
the Soviet intelligence officer thought maliciously.    
                                         
   Stirlitz received a parcel post from the center. B
The parcels were a corkscrew. Stirlitz put something
put it in my pocket and forgot about it. I remembered
it's about a corkscrew when at some party-
he was asked to open the bottle. After
half an hour of fighting with a bottle of Stirlitz replaced
Til that the corkscrew has a left-hand curl.     
   - Prohibition has been introduced in our homeland, - until -
the professional wondered.                    
                                         
 Stirlitz went to the window. From above to the hundredth
Once Pastor Schlag flew by. "Nothing,"
thought Stirlitz, - it’s hard to learn - it’s easy
in battle."                                  
                                         
   Bormann and Müller were sitting in the officer's room
dining room                                
   - Now Stirlitz will come and order again -
drinks his favorite tea in a cut glass
and, loudly stirring eight spoons of sugar there,
Ru, will drink it without taking out the spoon, -
Borman said. Stirlitz enters.           
   - Dearest! A cup of coffee without sugar! -
he orders and triumphantly shows
Bormann's language.                            
                                         
   Bormann and Müller are standing on the balcony, under
Stirlitz stands on the balcony. Borman:          
   - Let's throw a brick at Stirlitz
I'll catch you if he quarrelsin Russian, it means
Russian spy!                           
   They quit. Stirlitz:                     
 - Fuck your mother!                       
   Borman:                               
   - You're fucked, Stirlitz!               
   Muller:                               
   - And you're fucked, Borman!!!            
                                         
   Climbing into the window of the secret office of the SD,
Stirlitz told his partner:         
   - If a patrol appears, you will whistle for
clarity 50 times.                          
                                         
   Stirlitz went into the Elefant cafe and...
banul champagne. The champagne fell.      
                                         
   Stirlitz wandered through the forest waiting for St.
zi. Kat came out from behind the bush, and the connection was
I was.                                   
                                         
   Stirlitz saw a falling tower.        
   “Pisa,” thought Stirlitz.            
   “You need to drink less,” the tower thought. 
                                         
 Stirlitz saw a bus with horns.     
   “Trolleybus,” thought Stirlitz.      
   - You yourself, trolleybus! - offended by the car -
beads with horns.                           
                                         
   Stirlitz sat by the window and twirled a goat
leg.  The goat bleated pitifully, but escaped
from strong handsthe Standartenführer was not
easy.                                   
                                         
   Stirlitz watched for a long time as Pastor Schlag
I was skiing across the Swiss border.
“Yes, it’s hard for him,” thought Stirlitz. One hundred
Jal July 1944.                       
                                         
   Stirlitz did the splits. The twine snapped. 
                                         
   Stirlitz came to a conclusion. But no conclusion
turned out to be home.                          
                                         
   Stirlitz stood his ground for five hours already.
This was Mueller's favorite torture.         
                                         
   Stirlitz approached the safe house and
I saw a poster on the door: “Appearance failed.”
   “Yes,” thought Stirlitz, “turnout.”
really failed. Previously it was
it says simply: “Appear.”                   
                                         
   Stirlitz was being watched. There were seven of them:
Muller and the Eisman six.                
                                         
   Müller enters Bormann's office and
sees that Stirlitz is playing the fool:        
    - Stop it, Stirlitz, he’s already
dirty!                                 
                                         
   Stirlitz entered into the position of the Russian ra-
children.  Then he went out and put it in another
this position.Stirlitz sent a report to the Center
in clear text.  Five minutes later he
The SS men burst in.                      
 - Happy April 1st, - Stir smiled
persons  The SS men smiled knowingly,
This time in the Center they laughed until they dropped.    
                                         
   Stirlitz went to the Elefant cafe for a meeting
chu with his wife. It's the fourth time
transported across the front line and three borders, and
every time it turned out that it was not his
wife.                                    
                                         
   Stirlitz heard reports on the radio that
The Germans took Moscow and thought: “What?
You just won’t hear it with vodka!”             
                                         
   At 8:30 Stirlitz entered the machine bureau. Into this
time here you could always get rich
some secret document: everything
the typists went to watch "The Rich People Too"
are crying."                                 
                                         
   In pitch darkness on the back of Stirlitz
I got goosebumps.                        
 - Interesting: lice or fleas? - thought
Stirlitz.                                 
                                         
   Stirlitz sent Mueller to his ass. On  
the next day the Gestapo arrived there.Muller calls Stirlitz.  He sits himself
back to him.                           
   - Stirlitz, guess under which eye
Do I have a bruise?                            
   - Under the left.                          
   - So you got caught, he knows about it
only Russian "pianist".              
                                         
   Night, Reich Chancellery. In Mul's office
lera with a flashlight near an opened safe
Stirlitz stands and digs through the papers. Naho-
reads Hitler's order, approaches the hundred with him
Lu and opposite the name Hitler, smiling,
writes the Russian word "FOOL". Voice dicta-
behind the scenes:                            
   - Like this, in inhuman conditions,
Soviet intelligence officer Maxim Maksimovich
Isaev made his small contribution to
big Victory!                          
                                         
   - What did you bring me, Stirlitz? -
Schellenberg asked.                      
   - From the main job, permission to work together
revenge,” he replied. Conscience
the cyst prevented him from illegally obtaining
second salary.                         
                                         
   Stirlitz was already transmitting the forty-eighth
dezu to the center.                            
   - It's time to let you know that I'm working under
cap.                                
   I decided and at the end added: “I work under
Bormann's cap. Forty sevenlatest
messages - misinformation." Borman, in his cunning eyes,
Stirlitz’s deputy realized that he had blown out something
small  After the third night of tense times
thoughts he said:                      
   - Well, this joke is as old as time.        
 And transmitted the text without dots.            
                                         
   Stirlitz hid the shares in his underpants. They all
didn't get up.                          
                                         
   Stirlitz stood in the toilet and drop by drop you
pressured himself into being a slave.                   
                                         
   - When I finish my service, I’ll buy myself a garden
the first section near Ryazan, thought Stirlitz,
approaching his country villa under
Berlin.                                
                                         
   Soviet planes bombed Berlin.
They bombed mercilessly, but carefully: every
the pilot understood that Stirlitz was there.            
                                         
   Muller asked Stirlitz:            
   - Is it true that radio operator Kat gave him
testimony?                               
   “She showed it, but didn’t give it,” he answered dryly.
Stirlitz.                                 
                                         
   Stirlitz accepted the encryption. Encryption of the eye
tasted better than denatured alcohol.                 
                                         
   Stirlitz insisted on his own -tincture
it came out bitter and tasteless.               
                                         
   Stirlitz entered the toilet. There is water in the toilet
chalo. When Stirlitz came back, Zhurcha-
Lo hurried after.                  
                                         
   Stirlitz kicked the door and tiptoed
Kah crept up to Müller, who was reading the newspaper.
                                         
   Having burst into the office where the meeting was going on,
Yes, Stirlitz took out his pistol, and that’s it
fell to their death.                          
                                         
   Stirlitz went into the Reich Chancellery and saw
the whole top of the Wehrmacht is laughing.     
   - What's happened?                      
   - Yes, Bormann heard the joke.          
 - Funny?                            
   - We don’t know.                           
   - Why are you laughing then?               
   - Yes, he starts it with the words: “I’m coming in.” 
I'm going to the hairdresser..."               
                                         
   Stirlitz saw a photo on the cover of a magazine
The girl's photograph and the inscription: "Miss-43".   
   “Strange,” thought Stirlitz, “forty
three, and how well preserved!           
                                         
   - Stirlitz, do you have a plan? - asked 
Schellenberg.                              
   - Certainly. But I love heroin more -
Stirlitz answered with a smile.Stirlitz walked through Berlin in a budenovka. K
Muller approached him.                     
   - Stirlitz, would you at least conceal your own
people!                                  
   “Indeed,” thought Stirlitz and put on
dark glasses.                             
                                         
   Stirlitz entered the bar shouting:         
   - I'll chop you, bitches!                      
   The bitches chipped in a ruble and Stirlitz quietly
left.                                    
                                         
   Stirlitz walked along Tsvetochnaya Street. Suddenly
fell out of the second floor of the house opposite
Pleischner. Stirlitz quickened his pace. But since the second
the first floor of the next house fell out
Pleischner.  Stirlitz still gave in.  From the window
On the third house Pleischner fell out again...
Stirlitz ran along Tsvetochnaya Street, and
The Pleischners kept falling out...            
                                         
   Muller called into Stirlitz’s office.   
   - Stirlitz! If you ever again
cutting sausage on secret documentation
and herring, I won’t let you steal anymore
get out of the safe!                           
                                         
   Stirlitz lost his transmitter for the third time
and he had chills all evening. The chills were ra-
doctor, and without a transmitter it was difficult for him
co.Stirlitz was distracted from reading papers by scratching
cutting wood on asphalt. Looking outside
Stirlitz saw returning on skis
from Switzerland Pastor Schlag.              
                                         
   Telegram to Stirlitz from Pleischner: “Where
the promised trampoline?                        
                                         
   The door to Mueller's office opens and  
Pastor Schlag timidly enters.                
   - Are the penguins heading north?             
   - Penguins go to hell, and Stirlitz sits
in the room next door!                         
                                         
   Stirlitz ran, stumbling in his haste -
the puffs were two sizes too big.       
                                         
   Stirlitz photographs secret documents
cops from Borman's safe. Suddenly runs in
Borman, grabs one of the papers from the safe and
quickly runs away. "Ugh, it's gone!" - think
small Stirlitz.  “You would be so carried away!” -
thought Borman.                          
                                         
   Stirlitz was walking along the corridor and heard  
are steps.                              
   - Borman! - thought Stirlitz.          
   - Right! - thought Borman.        
                                         
   Stirlitz looked around the corner and saw
queue.  He quickly fell to the ground and
Rarely passed by.Stirlitz crossed the border unnoticed. About
he learned this from the morning newspapers.         
                                         
   Stirlitz stoked a potbelly stove. On the next
day an article appeared in the newspaper about the brutal
murder of a Gestapo employee.             
                                         
 Stirlitz entered the Elefant cafe.       
   - This is Stirlitz, now there will be a fight, -  
said one of the visitors.              
   Stirlitz drank a cup of coffee and left.   
   “No, this is not Stirlitz,” the second objected.
swarm visitor.                          
   - No, Stirlitz! - and a fight began.   
                                         
   Stirlitz carefully hid his appearance, but
Muller found her and smoked her.               
                                         
   Stirlitz was walking down the street. Towards - Mul-
ler.                                     
   - Heil Hitler! - said Stirlitz. Mul-
ler fell into a ditch.                       
   “A fanatic,” Stirlitz decided and corrected 
budenovka on the head.                     
                                         
   “Stirlitz,” Muller said wearily, “
you got away when we discovered yours
fingers on the suitcase of a Russian pianist.
You got away when we found them on
government telephone handset.
But now you can’t get away! Why yours
certificatesmells like Russian vodka?!!   
   “You know, Muller,” no less tiredly
Stirlitz answered, “when Schellenberg became
put a stamp on my ID, he presented
He breathed heavily on her.               
                                         
   A car drove up to Stirlitz's dacha. From
Muller came out accompanied by a platoon
Gestapo men.  He knocked on the door. "Who
do you need it?" - they asked from behind the door. "I
Stirlitz is needed," Muller said. "And me
“I’m not at home,” Stirlitz answered from behind the door.
Muller swore, got into the car and drove away.
So Stirlitz drove the Ges-
tapo for the nose.                             
                                         
   Stirlitz walked through Berlin. Muller found out in
not a Soviet intelligence officer, but not according to the PPSh,
carelessly thrown over the shoulder, and not according to
parachute, dragging behind, and along the adhesive
mu factory "Bolshevichka", which was forgotten
rip from the inside pocket of the jacket
truly Russian carelessness.          
                                         
   "Stirlitz, do you know these boots?" -
Muller asked. Stirlitz would recognize these bo-
Teens out of a thousand. They were made of leather
Pastor Schlag.                           
                                         
   Stirlitz was on his way to Berlin. The city was surrounded
tanned by fire smoke. "I forgot to turn it off again
iron" - Stirlitz thought with annoyance.Stirlitz went into Kaltenbrun's office
Nehru and threw off his hooves.                  
   - You should have added some horns here! - say-
the Gestapo chief, wincing.            
                                         
   Stirlitz knew that the war was over,
but I just didn’t know where.                  
                                         
   In Berlin everyone knew that Kat was an intelligence officer.
chitsa, but he knew who she really was
only Stirlitz.                          
                                         
   Stirlitz stood up and tried the drain. Then
I tried it again.  Then Stirlitz noticed
sign: “The drain does not work!”           
                                         
  Stirlitz saw Pastor Schlag and thought:
  - Well done, I finally decided to escape,
- but the escape gave way, and the pastor fell from
tree.                                  
                                         
   Stirlitz came home tired, sat down and
dropped his head on the table. Kat screamed in horror
chala. It was Holtoff's head.          
                                         
   Kat went to the mirror and saw on her neck
stain. “Hickey,” she thought, remembering
like yesterday Stirlitz hit her in the neck for
that she didn't send "SOS" openly
text.                                 
                                         
 From the basement, Kat saw how Stirlitz
walkedoutside and started shooting.            
   “And give me one shot,” she shouted.
                                         
   Stirlitz drank two glasses of wine
and only made it to the third.               
                                         
   The teacher meets the children who
Some people stand up and say their names.      
   - Ivanov.                             
   - Sidorov.                            
   - Stirlitz!!!                          
   Teacher:                          
   - What is this? Get out of class!
Tomorrow you will come with your father!                  
   The next day the teacher explains everything from
tsu who answers:                    
   - You see, Sema is shy - Borman
his last name.                             
                                         
   Stirlitz sat on a magnetic drum and
melancholy chewed the punched tape.  "25 more
meters left..." - noted mechanically
Stirlitz.  Chewing punched tape was not tasty
and inconvenient, but there is no other way to destroy
Stirlitz did not have the information received.
                                         
   They whistled over Stirlitz's head all night
bullets.  This has always happened when a living
on the floor above Siegfried Puhl invited
relatives.                           
                                         
   Walking along a path barely noticeable in the snow,
Stirlitz heard something coming fromsnowdrift
hissing.  He grabbed the parabellum and released
threw the entire clip into a snowdrift, after which
went on his way. And only after 5 minutes
he remembered that Pastor Schlag never
learned to whistle.                         
                                         
   - Stirlitz, do you know Tikhonov? - neo- 
Muller asked expectantly.                  
  “Of course not,” Stirlitz was not taken aback.
                                         
Müller approached Schellenberg and shouted  
zeroed him in front of everyone:                        
   - May you die, you old bugger!      
   - Yes... They also have democracy... -  
thought Stirlitz.                         
                                         
   The lights in the room went out.                 
   “Good evening, Holtoff,” said
Stirlitz.  There was no answer. Stirlitz
I didn’t know that the lights were turned off in the entire apartment
tale.                                    
                                         
   Stirlitz went to a meeting with the messenger. He
I recognized him immediately. In Russia there were again
fights with soap.                           
                                         
   Schellenberg gave Stirlitz a tip.  "Don't-
a lot, but in foreign currency,” thought Stirlitz,
hiding Reichsmarks in his pocket.               
                                         
   - Barbara, you don’t have a cup  
coffee? - Stirlitz asked tiredly.          
 - There is no coffee, but there is tea, - joyfully
Barbara fussed. "Yes, ours are already close-
ko,” thought Stirlitz.                  
                                         
   Muller to Stirlitz:                      
   - You know, Stirlitz, I have for you
two news: one bad and one very
bad. Which one should I start with?                  
   - Well, perhaps with a bad...            
   - The Russian radio operator told me everything!    
   - And the very bad news?             
   - She didn’t tell us, but your wife!    
                                         
   If Muller knew what code
uses Stirlitz, he would have penetrated long ago
at the entrance of his house.                      
                                         
   Stirlitz once decided to play a prank on Muller
on April 1st.                             
  - Muller, do you know that I am Russian?
scout?                               
  -  Don't know! - in turn, played
Muller Stirlitz.