White_parrot - Advice for newlyweds.

                                         
      ADVICES FOR NEWLYWEDS.      
           Lecture N1           
    Submitting an application to the registry office    
                                         
(C) 1999 Alex Exler  WWW.exler.ru
-------------------------------------------------------
 Finally, the day and hour has come,
when you decided that you should or break up -
completely, or vice versa - get married, then
Well, parents on both sides are already just
can't stand that sexual insanity
business that you arrange five times
for the day.                                  
                                         
   Of course, if you have money, you can simply
then rent an apartment and live as an ordinary citizen
Danish marriage, thus expressing
their strong civic position. What if
not enough money yet? Then the only one you
ryant to ensure that you are officially
let me into the same bed - sign,
and not at all in the house book. At the end
After all, you should also understand your parents. Them too
I want to party at a wedding. To, how
they say, everything was like with people.If you are determined to apply
nie, my advice to you - do not inform in advance
parents. There's no point in this. The long ones will begin
pretentious conversations: “Son, are you sure
that this girl will do your laundry well
socks?", or: "Daughter. Are you for real
do you think that this long-haired, stupid
a pimply and pimply idiot will be able to soothe you
keep?".  “And if there’s a scandal later,”
you ask?  There won't be a scandal because
that you need to do one simple thing: declare
the desire to submit in such a way that the day
wedding fell on some ra-
worthy event of one of the parents
mei. On their wedding anniversary, divorce,
birthday of grandfather, who personally
fought with Chapaev, but didn’t defeat him anyway
next.                                   
                                         
   So apply, get drunk in
company of friends, and then tell me
parents, choosing a convenient moment. Which
exactly?  Best for staging in
knowledge to choose a situation when at home
Sodom occurs with Hemorrhoids. Well, for example-
measures when dad came drunk from the garage,
and his mother hits him on the head with a teapot. B
In this case, you will kill two birds with one stone:
the scandal will stop, and I’ll especially scold you
They certainly won’t, because they’ve already got all their strength
went to a fight. After which peace and calm
peace will reign in the family, everyone will sit down
tablenegotiations and will decide how much
How many boxes of vodka to buy for a wedding.     
                                         
   I recommend it to a potential newlywed
do not ignore the process of "asking for a hand"
your daughter."  Of course, you can do without it
get by, because everything is already clear to everyone. But
relationship with father-in-law is better after all
to establish, at least at the very beginning. How would
you didn't do it, good impression
will stay for a long time.  Because father-in-law
will actually consider that from his re-
Something depends on your decision in this life. Yes
that for you this is a trifle, but for him it will be
nice. Don't offend the man. Later, when
realize the terrible fact that he LIVES
WITH YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW, your heart will be filled with non-
measurable compassion for this courageous
a new and very unhappy person.       
                                         
   So how do you ask for your hand? There's nothing here
th complex. The main thing is to dress decently.
Moreover, not decently from your point of view,
but from the point of view of the bride's family. Pants with
jacket, tie.  And a shirt, man!
A shirt, not a T-shirt, with the inscription “Send us-
lo zuhelem."                             
                                         
   All this, by the way, can be rented.
Second point: don’t forget flowers for the bride and
potential mother-in-law. Strictly buy flowers
and without idiotic hints. So don't
mother-in-lawgive a cactus. The bride - three roses -
ki. Mother-in-law - two to four cloves. For father
brides take a liter bottle of vodka for
mother - a bottle of port wine. Preferably
also, of course, get a haircut, if this is not
conflicts with your aesthetic
what concepts. The bride's parents in this
In case they just faint.          
                                         
   When you show up at the house, stay cor-
correctly and officially.  Give the ladies flowers
(mother-in-law - first), father-in-law who immediately became kinder
- a bottle of vodka. Say at the same time: “Colleague!
This is for you. Purely symbolic."            
                                         
   As soon as everyone is seated at the table, raise
Handle a glass and say the appropriate
ritual match. Here's a template for you: "Darling"
goy Sergey Petrovich (Abram Solomonovich,
Gazanfar Mamedovich, Izukbyl Kaktuposedo-
Vich, Leader "Tireless Hog") and Anna
Ivanovna (Veronica Parisovna, Scheherazade
Ignatievna, "Swift-footed doe"). Allow
those to ask (demand, demand,
lease, steal, pawn) from you
hands (hips, heads, sugar lips, swan-
neck) of your daughter (her friend,
brother's wife's sister, casual acquaintance).
I promise that I will comply (follow-
to rule, to control, to succumb, to ignore
to contribute, to contribute). Thank you for your attention -
contempt (contempt, indignation, ignoring)
tion). I finished (finished,finished off,
bought two aces on a minuscule basis)".              
                                         
   The father of the bride will also stand up and begin
say some nonsense from the series:
"Well, then, this one, take our little blood,
just...", but at that moment his mother-in-law
deftly cracks the leg under the table, and inc.
dent will be exhausted.  Then everyone drank.
Once again. And one more thing. One more. A couple of drinks under
hot.  Two for dessert. And one more - under
cigars.  That's it now! Conditions -
friendly and favorable. Parents
brides to you are filled with the warmest
feelings.                               
                                         
   How to behave during these two to three months
before the wedding? As you wish. One piece of advice -
It’s better not to meet the bride at all.
And why? I'm still so tired of it, what's next?
nowhere.  So have a bachelor party
friendly farewells to all exes
girlfriends. Don't worry, the bride is older
there will be no reaping. She also has someone to try with
say goodbye...                                
                                         
                  -----                  
                                         
          Lecture N2            
  How to avoid a wedding altogether We have already talked about how to submit
application to the registry office.  Today we'll talk about
about how the prospective newlyweds
to fight so that they don’t become such at all
curl.                                  
                                         
   Young people usually don't want to get married
Therefore, I will mainly advise them.
So, how can you avoid getting married if you...
I really don’t want to put the burden on myself
Is it a yoke at such a young age? There are no
how many ways: the method of careful perma-
negative impact on parents
you, the method of extreme influence on
bride's parents, method of processing brides-
you and the most severe method - disrupting the wedding. 
                                         
   What is the first method based on? On
constant treatment of the bride's parents in
side of a strongly negative perception of your
personality. This method is especially good at
occurs when it is assumed that young
The family will live with the bride.          
                                         
   To the parents of the intended wife in this
case, subtly and tactfully it is necessary to make it clear
- what will their life turn into if this
young idiot (you) will settle in their
apartment. It does not require special expenses
strength  It's enough to act like you
you usually behave at home. Don't be shy.
Howyou will annoy the bride's parents more,
the more likely it is that they are strictly
they will forbid their daughter to connect her life with that
kim we're naughty. Need to soak your socks
in the bathroom sink and arrange
terrible scandal when someone from there
dare to pull it out.                      
                                         
   It is advisable to cook from time to time
your lunch in five or six frying pans and two
pans, using all the products from the
a refrigerator and two or three bottles of oil.
The resulting dishes must be placed in
sink, making sure that one of the speed
the vortex fell to the floor and spread there
greasy stain.                           
                                         
   If the bride's parents have household
animals - so much the better. Of course, they are neither
which is not their fault, but it won’t hurt at all
give a couple of kicks to my mother-in-law's favorite dog
Bug, pull Murzik the cat by the tail,
whom his father-in-law adores and periodically visits
give the gobies to an aquarium with fish, which
the whole family loves it.  It should also sometimes
declare that you are allergic to cat food
wool, so either Murzik or you. mother-in-law
It is recommended to sometimes tell how
your Korean friend cooks delicious stew from
dogs.                                   
                                         
   On the coffee table in the living room
blows carefully dump everythingtheir computers
yuter glands and periodically arrange
wild scandal about something coming from there
disappeared. At the same time, gather the whole family and settle down
end the tedious two-hour interrogations -
who dared to take your favorite video card.
                                         
   If you are not expected to live with
parents of the bride, all these funny things
all do not make sense, since in this case
parents will try their best to approximate
celebrate the wedding day. In such a situation, it is recommended
It is recommended to have periodic conversations
ry with potential mother-in-law and father-in-law
mu - how do you see your future family -
new life. Share your views with them
niyami for life. Explain that you are not at all
are you going to get a job in the near future?
the earliest possible time. Well, let's say ten years. By-
because you are a creative and seeking nature,
but I haven’t found myself yet in this life. Here
when you find it, you will become rich and famous
thread. Although, no! You are famous and rich
You won't during your lifetime. Because it's hard
decided to become a poet, but they rarely
receive recognition. To the question - what about
that a young family will live widely
open your eyes and say that your wife will go
work, and for full support
wife's family, you also expect complete
absolutely clear.                             
                                         
   An important point is getting to know each otheryour relatives
tel with the bride's parents. To this question-
dew needs to be taken as seriously as possible -
but, because with the right approach
there is a chance that you will be kicked out very quickly
from the bride's house with a request never again
don't appear here. About a month before
visit your parents, tell the family not-
news that your father works as a janitor
and he has long since lost his mind
oxygen starvation.  Mother imagine
hereditary alcoholic. If parents
brides will still want to meet them
please go to your parents and tell them
father that the future father-in-law works as a janitor
com and just go crazy about cleaning up the dirt
zi.  Tell your father, who has been asking all his life
affairs in the laboratory of the Institute of Physics, that
father-in-law loves to speak in janitor's voices
us, and doesn’t want to hear about anything else.
When the father asks which gift is better
all to present to the father-in-law on the day of acquaintance -
hood, offer to give him a janitor's kit
an apron and scissors for trimming bushes.
                                         
   Tell your mother that your mother-in-law is hereditary
alcoholic and what is the best gift for her
There will be a liter bottle of vodka. And also declare
that the mother-in-law simply hates it when
I don't drink much, so ask your mother for a drink
at least five to ten glasses for a hundred
scrap  If everything is prepared normally, you will
cher must be successful. Father will be there for a long time
and strainedtell the stunned man
tell my father-in-law your views on street cleaning and
entrances, and the mother, having slammed a couple of glasses,
unaccustomed to getting drunk and singing petrified
mother-in-law "The reeds rustled, the trees bent."     
                                         
   If this doesn’t help, confess to your parents.
to the bride's parents that you have a couple
three children on the side, whom you oblige
you will definitely take him into the family after the wedding,
since their mothers are long-distance sailors
swimming and cannot devote themselves to children.
In case the bride's parents also
won’t buy it, then the last resort remains
personal: “lose” your passport, get a new one, and
in the old computer, make a stamp about
registration of marriage with any citizen
coy.  Show your stamped passport to your non-family
news and explain that this is a mistake of youth
and that you will definitely divorce her
in five years, when you pay off everything
owed her. It would also be useful
hint that you currently want to
you're on trial for bank robbery and
planting a bomb in a ministry building
internal affairs.  Say you don't have enough
chances to get out, but you hope that
if the bride's parents give money for hell
























воката,  можно будет рассчитывать на срок
лет в пять, не больше.                   
                                         
   Если  совсем ничего не помогает, тогда
остается только оттягивать свадьбу макси-
мально долго. Что делать? Паспорт терять,
однозначно.Lose it and restore it.
The restoration process is already going well
but it’s long, and if you have nowhere to hurry,
then you can do this for years.         
                                         
   The described methods are aimed at
to treat the bride's parents, not
losing contact with the bride herself. If you
you feel that your parents are not succeeding -
Xia to persuade to forbid my daughter from tying up her
life with this scoundrel is so bad
family, all that remains is to confess to the bride
is that you suddenly lost interest in
to the fair sex and now you are bursting with interest
catfish to the masculine sex. Try to do
bark so that she catches you at least once
while applying makeup or trying it on
underwear In this case, the bride herself
will invite you to part ways without much
scandal.                                
                                         
                  -----                  
                                         
      Advice for a young wife      
           Lecture N3           
                                         
   Unfortunately, any honeymoon has
wont end.  Some
this happens after a couple of days for some
in a week, and somecouples withstand-
They last for almost a whole month. Carefully store
thread these memories because in life
this is unlikely to happen again. At least
at least with this person.                  
 Of course, it’s sweet to remember how you and
they rested on the shore of the gentle sea,
buried each other in the sand, sometimes
digging it back out, they ran along the beach, sewing
beat oncoming people like skittles, helpfully
went to each other for ice cream in a creepy way
heat, touchingly bringing a tree to the beach
popsicle stick, leaving
melting ice cream on the backs of other vacationers
haters, and in the evenings we sat on the sea, us-
enjoying the sunset, and touching his head
but lay on your shoulder, spreading
such a nice smell of beer.                  
   Or this exhilarating jeep safari
Africa.  A lot of new impressions and sharp
sensations, the hard squinting of the beloved's eyes in
the moment when he points the gun at
tour guide.  The night wind that creates
hairstyle on your head "Two minutes under
mower" and such a gentle voice
new husband: “Darling, you’re not
frozen? No? Then can I take it from you?
I'm wearing a blouse, otherwise after the beer there's something colo-
Is it Tun? Of course, not everyone gets...
xia to spend a honeymoon in exotic
travel. Some during honeymoon
months they even manage to pass the exam. But
and in this case it is necessarymanifests itself
tenderness and consideration towards
to each other:                        
 - Darling! You've already rewritten everything to me
eighty-five lectures on mathematical
mu analysis?                              
 - Yes, my love. Just why "math-
what"?  I thought you were studying at me-
Institute.                              
 - Darling!  Where are my lectures on determi-
nirovanny stochastic systems? you them
didn't you see?                               
 - Of course I saw it, honey! There they lie
on the table and smell quite disgustingly.   
   Do you remember?  How romantic and
touching! Of course, the post-effect of honey
of the first month is observed during the beginning
ordinary family life.  Such flows
tenderness and courtesy, which
gradually tend to zero, and often
dyat to minus values. And here it begins
it seems...                                
                                         
   It turns out that the young husband is not at all
is eager to serve you every day
coffee in bed Moreover, he is completely
impudently and unequivocally demands ready-
of breakfast by the time it was delivered
quality deigns to pierce the eyes and extort
smoke a couple of cigarettes in the toilet, we
enjoying the newspaper "Moskovsky Komsomolets".
   It’s not easy for any newly-made wife to
There is a situation where stereotypes are being destroyed.
Who could have knownthat this guy is not at all
loves scrambled eggs every day as much as in the first
New month of family life? Who could think
mother, what is this scoundrel capable of ripping off
the blanket and with a distorted face
try breakfast in the form of potatoes with cauldron
that one?  And this is at the moment when you still
You can sleep peacefully for a couple of hours!       
   Unfortunately, disappointments are inevitable
and you need to prepare for them in advance.
                             Best
 immediately from
 drop everything
 thoughts immediately
 please submit
 for divorce from
 by this guy,
 because
 different, I
 I assure you,
 will not be at all
 is no better. Those
 ah-sigh-
 hee, kisses
and walks in
 close announcements

 same
 warning 
 gentle
 depth and
 posts in print
 honey period
th month, and
 same dis-
 enchantment in
the time of the beginning of normal family life.     
   And what, you ask, should we do about this?
Adapt and mimic. Yes
several behavior options that
depend largely on your
character, dear newlywed, and in us -
depend to a much lesser extent on the character
your chosen one.                       
                                         
 Option one                
Completely submit to the will of your husband and become
his slave in every sense of the word.
This option has its pros and cons.
The advantage is that you refuse-
you try to show at least some initiative
wow and you shift the solution to all problems
on my husband. So that he could never say:
"You see what nonsense you advised me -
Vala!"  Besides, you won't need
strain to maintain a relationship with him
gray  It is enough through certain pro-
say the following at intervals
phrases:                                   
                                         
1) Yes, honey.                            
2) As you say, dear.                 
3) You’re great for me.                    
4) What a scoundrel this boss of yours is. 
5) You have every right to be angry, I am so 
I won't do it again.                          
                                         
   That's probably all. The downside to this
option is that about any
you cannot continue in your family life
out of the question. Because they don't like slaves.
They are treated as property. But
your husband will never leave you, because
will get used to complete obedience and will not be able to
can live with no other woman.     
                                         
 Option two                
Completely subjugate your husband and create
henpecked from him.  Make it before-
quite simply.  Regardless of character
husband  It is possible to carry out this process in advance.
very quickly, in pairsmonths, but this
is fraught with the fact that the husband will become neurasthenic
com. And henpecked, and even with a neurasthe-
This is a very sad sight. Yes
that I recommend this process
within a year, so that the husband has time to get used to
to his subordinate position, and
it didn’t weigh heavily on him.              
   You need to gradually subjugate him to your
will, to do it systematically and methodically,
day after day.                            
   First stop asking - what would
he wanted to get it for breakfast (lunch or
dinner).  It's none of his business. Let him get used to it
eat what they give.                       
   Then gradually start giving him
all sorts of tasks around the house and achieve
fast and high-quality execution. If
he doesn’t do something and makes excuses because
What, they say, I forgot, get him a book,
where to write down assignments and check your book
before bed. Did your husband not do something today?
This means he is deprived of marital caresses.  And
didn't do it tomorrow?  sits down hungry
sexy ration for a week. And if you do
lest he persist, then
stop feeding him. Without sex he couple
will survive weeks, but lack of food
will force him to quickly capitulate.      
   Next, you need to accustom your husband to weekly
great Sunday lunches at your parents' place.
It's clear what you'd like to see
their ancestors no more often than once every six months,
but lunches withhave mothers-in-law for your husband
enormous educational value.    
 Imagine, all your
family.  You are having lunch, you are during your meal
you constantly talk about what your
the faithful is lazy, stupid, insensitive and
armless. The mother-in-law looks at your
wife with such a look that the guy is ready
dive into a bowl of soup and hide there
somewhere at the bottom.  In turn, mother
starts to tell you what kind of
your dad is lazy, stupid, unnecessary,
armless, insensitive and generally an asshole. You
argue with her and prove that you are yours
the missus is even worse than even your dad.
Eventually you come to the conclusion that
you both got rare idiots, but
what can you do, since you are so feminine
share. So your husband should be
completely morally destroyed by relatives
lunch. And don’t forget this procedure again
once a week to maintain mo-
The husband’s mental condition is at the proper level.
   You must teach him never to
say your own opinion or give
some advice. Because he has to
there is only one opinion - yours. And the advice
he just can't give for a reason
extreme stupidity.  Get it from the guy
clear and unquestioning implementation
your instructions without any variation
nia. He must completely unlearn to think
with your head,at least at home
non-economic topics. The advantages in such a
there is a lot of strength on the home front, but
there is one significant drawback: for yourself
you will have to answer for everything. Of course, any
failures can be blamed on the husband, but
decisions will still have to be made
Well, it's not that simple.            
   In addition, having a henpecked husband
makes any woman grumpy, irritable
bodyful and bitchy. It's not scary, es-
are you going to go with this dunce about-
live all your life.  But if you suddenly need...
will finish the dominant position and want-
get married according to the first option, then
first you have to go through a special
course of treatment for bitchiness, and this bo-
the disease is cured completely only with
the power of rather unsafe types of ter-
pii.                                     
                                         
 Option three                
This option is like a golden se-
middle ground between the first two, so it
should be considered the most preferable
nom.                                     
   The peculiarity of this option is
it means that you must exist
with her husband in a mode of reasonable balance between
subordination and superiority. Then
there is to obey so much as to change
live on it with the full weight of decisions and responses -responsibility for these decisions, and the authorities
to the extent that he does not decide to depict
pretend to be the dominant male and
obeyed your demands for something
make or purchase.                  
   The only requirement for you is that
required to implement this option
ta - you shouldn't be a fool. How is it
check?   There are two ways.   One
fast and the other slow. Quick
very simple: think to yourself,
Are you being a fool? If you think
that you are not stupid, but even super smart
and seven spans in the forehead, then most likely you
you are a complete fool without any
hope for the future. If you consider yourself
fool, then most likely he is not one
you cry. But this method is not very effective
veins  Gives the most correct readings
second, slow way, which is very
simple: try to reproduce it in your family
Main life is the third option. If you
it will succeed, which means you are not a fool at all. A
if you fail, then you are a fool in the field
family relationships. Ugh, it's hard yeah-
there is theorizing.                   
 So, what to do to implement
third way.  Schematically your actions
The situation can be reduced to the following postulate:
tu: your husband should be in the royal family
hom who has no real power.
That is, the guy needs to be put on the throne and su-give him the scepter, and at that moment
seize mail, telegraph and telephone. Here
let him reign without important means
communications.                            
   More specifically, the husband should
the illusion of complete independence is maintained
ity, although in fact he should only
to follow your instructions. B
in this case you will be able to eat fish
eat, and ride a horse.  In that
the sense that love in the family will remain,
and the guy will not be a za-
henpecked, forcing
you will be pissed off by the very fact of existence
niya, and you can force your husband to do
everything you need.  Let's get down to business
specific tips for doing this
option.                                
                                         
 1) You need to compliment your husband,
which are actually disguised
bathroom calls for specific actions.
For example, when you need to knock out a carpet, and
you know that your husband hates this procedure -
ru, you should issue something like this:
“And you know, dear, Svetka’s husband is like this
lazy guy who can't even pull out a rug.
Can you imagine what kind of husbands you come across!
It’s good that I’m lucky to have you!”    
                                         
 2) Any request to do something
should begin with a gentle appeal, which
which doesn't seem to be a requirement.
But the husband must clearly understand what the
you - affectionate demand - will follow
the second, much less affectionate. For
the second will be followed by the third, which is already
children are expressed in the form of an order. But if
The husband did not respond to the third demand either.
Val, this is fraught with temporary damage for him.
marriage in conjugal rights and small
hostilities within the bedroom,
living room and storage room. A striking example of the case
there is an episode with a subtle connoisseur of the male soul
- Margarita Pallna from the brilliant film
"Pokrovsky Gate" Remember?            
 - Savva Ignatievich! I would go to the store
dear friend.  Don’t forget, the Orlovichs are
blow.                                     
   Note that the first call is extremely mild
goky and clearly intended for the public. That is,
they say, no one can force Savva
go to the store if he likes it
for some reason he doesn’t want to. He's just soft-
they remind us that guests are coming, so
need to buy something to drink.     
   However, Savva is in no hurry to fulfill the
first call, so Margarita Pavlovna
goes straight to the third form of demand
nia:                                     
 - Savva Ignatievich! To the store!!!        
   It is clear that this order will not be carried out
Savvacan't.                          
   So you need to accustom your husband to the idea
about the inevitability of fulfilling your orders
knowledge that initially sounds like
requests. The husband must clearly understand that
it’s in his best interests to do everything first
requirement, since in this case he although
would preserve an illusion in the eyes of others
goodwill.                             
                                         
 3) You must make any decisions yourself
ma, but make them come out like
from my husband. It's very simple and most
Most women know this technique in
perfection.  Once you decide that...
do something (buy, sell, go
on vacation and so on), you just have to
carefully push my husband to this idea,
guided by the principle of simple and complex
associations.  Give him all sorts of hints
ki directed towards your plans,
until your husband suggests you do it
what you intended. You will have
resist for the sake of appearances, and then do-
pretend that you are yielding to his rude husband-
sky strength.                               
                                         
 4) In public and in communication with relatives
constantly protect your husband and stories-
wai about his wonderful business and spiritual
qualities.  TOfor example, if the husband refuses -
starts to wash the dishes, then during the related
next lunch, tell me with delight what
your husband is smart and he washes regularly
dishes Of course, the husband has nowhere else to go afterwards
will disappear, and he will have to, even with
disgust, but regularly indulge
this activity.                           
   That's probably all. Of course there is
there are many more small tricks, for example, how
make your husband give you what he likes
you, and not what he himself chose, please
using my narrow mind, but this is
the first is a topic for a separate conversation, but
secondly, in this case there is no special
divine meaning. The main thing for you is to decide
what type of family life is best?
preferable and to carry it out systematically
into life.                                 
























   Удачи! Мужу от меня передай привет.   
                                         
                   -----                 
                                         
         Как правильно         
       общаться c тёщей        
           Лекция N4           
                                         
   Итак,  дорогой друг,  ты  женился. Вот
такой  вот  случился  в твоей жизни форс,
как  говорится,major Of course now
you are euphoric from this event,
you are looking forward to a honeymoon and affectionate pe-
speech in the morning on the topic - who is not who?
takes coffee in bed.                      
                                         
   That's why you don't yet realize the terrible thing
the fact that after yesterday's event
you got not only this blue-eyed
(hair-eyed, brown-eyed, green-eyed, co-
eye-eyed or multi-eyed) creature
along with a motorcycle given as a wedding gift
(bicycle, computer, karaoke or
complete works for the third
class), but also ТО- 
SCHA. I don’t want you to s- 
It's scary, but it's not 
in vain people go around 
so many jokes about 
mother-in-law relationship 
with my son-in-law. Smoke without fire - 
It doesn't happen. So 
alas, my young friend, and 
you will have to face- 
to deal with this phenomenon - 
planetary mass 
headquarters Of course, it's better 
just marry a si- 
company But now about 
it will be too late to do- 
mother. Moreover, 
orphans have long been ra- 
collected              
                                         
   I see the sardonic grin on your face
face, which testifies that you are not
you underestimate the importance of the problem. I know
what do you think. Do you think that you have
there will be no problems in the relationship
with this pretty aunt who
throughout the entire month of courtship you
she made you borscht and even offered to wash it
to steal your shirts, and yesterday at the wedding
touchingly sang: “And finally I will say”
- What immense naivety! And notice,
that you weren’t even alarmed by the phrase “but on-
lastly I - "Do you think she has it
finally?  This is your last, dubi-
on!Finally, yours until now without-
rebellious life.                          
                                         
   OK.   I understand that now you
it will be difficult to convince of something, so
I just want to give some advice that
These will help relatively painlessly
go through the initial adaptation phase. Pristu-
pim:                                     
                                         
 Postulate first. Mother-in-law is a scoundrel -
auntie, no matter how cute she is
seemed before the wedding. This needs to be confirmed
as an axiom. Not even! This must be learned
like twice two no matter how many there are!
This must be repeated every day for two hundred
eighty-five times and write on everyone for-
borah instead of the word you are on
You usually write with it.                       
                                         
 Postulate two. Good relationship with
It is impossible to achieve the mother-in-law side. No way.
No matter what you do, no matter how you ingratiate yourself -
whatever you buy for her and no matter how much
since I didn’t walk her vile lap dog,
remember that you are the vile guy who stole
her little blood. And now you're ruining her life.
To her, the only one (second, third or
twentieth) daughter whom she did not know
already, like getting married, but now,
when inlife of my daughter this guy appeared
dyay (I'm talking about you), she preferred it
forget.  In general, mothers-in-law have a very poor memory.
virtuous.                               
                                         
The third postulate.You will not have a wife
assistant in combat operations with mother-in-law.
Even if before the wedding they
lived like a cat and a dog. Why? Because
that she wants to keep the rear. After all, very
convenient to slam the door and declare that she
“He’s going to his mom,” since you turned out like this
scoundrel.                                
                                         
 Postulate four. In the test you can find
You are an ally, but a very passive one. He's with
It will be a pleasure to drink with you and
listen to complaints about the mother-in-law, but about the real one
assistance during large-scale combat
actions can not be calculated. Because
he still wants to live. And relatively
calm.                                
                                         
 What conclusions do we draw?  Very simple.
Peace cannot be achieved by any means.
Therefore, one should put aside all
some lisping and fawning. This is only
you'll complicate the situation. From the very beginning mother-in-law
you need to make it clear that you are very determineddecisively.  Then maybe in the distance...
the best way to achieve armed her-
trolliteta.                               
                                         
 What to do? Here are some tips. Oc-
take into account her every word and opinion. I didn’t agree
get along with nothing. She should even be afraid
make a sound in your presence. On straight lines
questions addressed to you, answer or
raising eyebrows in surprise, or
visual silence.  To the phrase "Good
morning" you should answer "How old is this?"
are you?" To the question “When will you receive your salary-
that one?"  snort and answer that how are you doing?
since it’s the salary, as opposed to the pitiful one
father-in-law's pay.                           
                                         
   But that's not the main thing. The main thing is not to back down
fall, don’t give up and don’t lose ground.
The first days of family life are akin to entering
niya to the conquered city. Here they opened it for you
gates, and the city surrendered to the mercy of the victorious
body  You entered it, triumphant, dis-
placed his soldiers in key positions:
post office, telegraph, telephone, city gates
ta and sewerage, after which it began to be cleaned
rest on your laurels or on an ordinary bed. But
experienced military leaders know that it will take a long time
rest on your laurels or on your bed -
like death. Because the enemy is stealthy
will startget drunk or seduce your sol-
date, and before you know it, you will find yourself ALONE
surrounded by enemies. After that - for life
indentured servitude on cotton plantations,
where they are not even allowed to sing while working
you, so you will never become a sign-
threaded black blues performer and
spirituals.                            
                                         
   There was such a poem either by Bian-
ki, or from Agniy Barto. There's a refrain
one phrase was repeated: “because in
there was no nail in the forge." Do you remember? In verse
creation was given the usual everyday life
situation - at the right moment there was no presence in the forge
nails fell, and then lined up
chain of logical events leading to
cataclysm on a global scale. In the forge
there was no nail, the horse was not shod,
the mandir stumbled, the enemy's offal poked
his saber straight to the tonsils, commander
fell, the attack of the red cavaliers drowned
lost, the enemy captured the village, tortured him for a long time
the dog Zhuchka, but the dog never indicated
where she hid the red partisan braid
point, after which the chairman of the state farm
got drunk and went into the forest to partisan and undermine
destroy enemy trains with vodka. In ob-
Well, the story ended sadly, but that’s all
due to the fact that the blacksmith squandered all the nails
to build a toilet in your garden
and didn’t shoe the commander’s muff in time
womb. This is so instructivestory.    
                                         
   What have I brought these graceful hysterical
what analogies?  And besides, because of your
carelessness, the mother-in-law will conquer all the defenses at once
boundaries, after which you are left
I can’t just curse my carelessness
ness, and quietly, so that the mother-in-law would not hear -
la and didn’t give you a complete crush fix
coups. Remember that it all begins
with the most ordinary, one might even say not-
wine request: "Son-in-law! Go to the store
for bread, please, otherwise I didn’t have time.”
Notice how affectionately this snake tries
catch you in the net!  "Son-in-law"!  Kinda
diminutive form, for-
ending in "yok".  Here's the full one for you
"yok" and it will happen if you give in to it at least once
this seemingly innocent request.             
                                         
   Everyone thinks so at first, they say, well, I’ll go
to the store, I'll buy some bread, since this club
didn't have time.  With drugs, by the way,
same thing. Like, well, I'll try once,
I won’t sit down... Meanwhile, you will sit down.
The same as in the case of the store. You
you think that you only go to the store once -
that's all? The hell with it!                      
                                         
   There is an old saying: to all the birds
an abyss if the claw gets stuck. Go to
store - and away we go: you will go for
bread, meat, milk,kefir, cigar-
there, to the market, to the fair, sale;
you will be forced to vacuum the carpets, wipe
dust on the windowsills, shaking out fur coats,
feed the canary, wash the cat Barsik,
walk this lapdog bitch Chapa, navo-
keep order on the table, transport seedlings to
dacha, dig potatoes, trim the bushes,
(Exler began to cry and continued through
tears) dig a well, at risk for
life nailing iron on the roof of a barn,
go for milk in the morning, do laundry, wash
drink, clean shoes and (violent sobs)
take out the trash.                          
                                         
   There is an old and very wise saying:
son-in-law makes a mistake only once (when-
It does, but that’s not what we’re talking about now).
So don't make this mistake - don't under-
let's get provocative. What, you ask?
answer the question of the mother-in-law who asks
go to the store? It's very easy to answer:
"Are you crazy, mom? Like me
I'll go to the store when I eat (play on
computer, looking through stamps, downloading porn-
hoo from the Internet, chatting on the phone,
I'm sleeping, I'm in a drugged state
trance)".  That's all!  Question removed! Key
the posts remained intact, yours
the fighters did not get drunk and were not tempted!      
                                         
   Of course, the mother-in-law will be unhappy. Quite
she will probably scream like a herd
parrots,pecked with opium poppies.
So what? Don't you care? Screams and
will stop.  But your future life
nothing is in danger. If the mother-in-law turns out to be
cunning and will try to knock you down cleverly
tailor-made phrase, one should apply the
new tactics that the Jews invented
during the time of the pharaohs: answer a question with a question
question. For example, the mother-in-law says: “Okay,
sho, are you eating now? And after lunch you
can you go to the store?" You tell her right there
answer: “Mom! You’re just like a hangman!”
they fell!  How will I go to the store when
after lunch it will be three o'clock in the morning and I
Is it time to go to work?" That's all! Graceful lo-
geek, to which she will not find an answer.
Tit is the key to success.                     
                                         
   The most preferred option for
you - to live from your mother-in-law at some distance -
NI.  Better, of course, in another Galaxy,
but since technological progress is fair
inhibited by the same mothers-in-law, at the moment
ment, unfortunately, does not exist for how long
some serious equipment capable of
make such a flight so that
The radiator did not boil on the road. According to the same
reason, a flight to the Moon or Mars is also ma-
lo is real.  But the efficiency of moving to
next street or on the other side of town
- practically equal to zero.  Because
there is the Konyakovsky-Carvoisier law, which
ry says that the square of timestay
mother-in-law's apartment is in direct proportion to
rational to the square of the distance from the mother-in-law's house
to the son-in-law's location. That is, if the son-in-law
lives close, then his wife’s mother (this is such
a socially acceptable term denoting
mother-in-law) visits often, but for a long time. What if
far away, then she doesn’t come often, but then-
for a long time. And getting her out is very difficult.
task that will be devoted to
useful chapter of this study.        
                                         
   So the distance must be chosen so
something so that it would be difficult for his mother-in-law to overcome
but...  It’s not even a matter of distance, but of pre-
obstacles that will arise on the mother-in-law's path
to his little blood (that is, to his son-in-law;
because after the visits of “mother” the son-in-law has these
"little bits of blood" run around both in the eyes and in everything...
mu hemisphere of the right brain). Best
obstacle option - large mountain range
bet.  But personally I don’t recommend going
live among the mountaineers of Tibet. Firstly, because
that there are no computers there, and secondly -
the air is so clean that in a day it will be
fly out a couple of packs of cigarettes, what
is harmful to health. Some-
some, however, are attracted by the fact that
Highlanders do not have fasts, but I must
disappoint: this is all because they are
we are ascetics and eat only food
howl and water. Does anyone really need such a life?
That's right, it's not needed. Therefore it's betterin total,
if you and your mother-in-law are separated by an ocean.
So immediately after the wedding, serve before-
documents for departure, take your wife under your arm and
molt to America.                       
                                         
   Of course, living in America is not easy.
They drink their vile Coca-Cola, delighted
communicate with Bruce Willis, who has only
two facial expressions, and do not rejoice at the male
manifestations of their president.  But for the sake of
so that between you and your beloved mother-in-law
the ocean flowed, and it’s not something that can be wiped away,
sing.  But after the move - complete idleness
Leah                                     
                                         
   Can you imagine the benefits? Cho-
Now she WILL NOT CALL you! Because
expensive! So you live in peace and
themselves periodically (but not too rarely)
so that my aunt would not be offended; I recommend
I blow at least once every year or two) you blurt out
her on the phone, pronouncing the following mono-
log: "Yes, mom, hello, it's me - Edik. Yes
Why are you excited, mom?  All is well!
Yesterday we were roaming along the highway, believe it or not
Well, there was a lot of fun - full of pants! What are you saying?
those?  Why is the accent so strange? Well
America, mom!  Everyone here is so loud!
How do you say your blood is? And I don't
I know, mom. Have you done any tests? Sugar in
okay? Shaw? Ah-ah-ah-ah! So are you talking about Svetlana-
ke!  Everything is fine. She last week
wallpaper for pantryI was choosing two rooms
travel salesman with a heart attack on an ambu-
Lance left. They still couldn’t understand that
This is the color of the sausage at two twenty. Tu-
Come on, mom, they're here. Limited! Shaw? Not
Can I call Svetka? Shopping with her. Yes
what are you doing, mom! It didn't jump up anywhere! Doesn't lie
she!  This is the local store called
is happening.  The enemy didn’t guess. Mom, yes
don't worry so much! Everything we have here is
row!  Pay is paid regularly. But here
only my friend, Seryozhka, you are his,
Mom, remember, he is a witness at the wedding
got drunk - recently burned out. But you don't want to
No worries, he’s already found another place for himself.
What are you saying? Which place burned down and from whom?
did he cut it off for himself? What are you doing, mom?
rel - this means in local language that he was fired
Lily. This is their slang here. Mom, well
Why are you crying, mom? Everything will be fine.
If you want, I'll send you a new mop, though
you look old even - you're just awesome
Telski!  Shaw? Mother! Hello, hello! Ugh, un-
united."                              
                                         
   Idyll, and nothing more. But unfortunately
not everyone can go to America
riku, so you have to fight the enemy
on its territory. But in this case, on-
I hope my advice will help you. Some
patients ask what to do if
the enemy has already captured all the lines, and the timid
attempted rebellionsuppressed by superior
enemy fire? There is only one way out: long-term
and a protracted guerrilla war in my me-
todike.  The simplest and most painless
option - pretend to be complete
idiot.  Pretend that you are very lucky
banged their heads on her sewing machine,
why "damage your mind." For everything
Answer questions in a rooster voice:
“I obey, Mr. Sergeant!”, from the magician
zina, bring whatever you want, but only
not the products or items for which
sent, in the evenings sit down with
mother-in-law watch these idiotic TV series,
during which set the same
asked: “Mom! Why are they all crying, how
abnormal?" I assure you that she will get tired of-
answer this question, and somewhere through pa-
ru years she will leave you alone.          
                                         
   Like this. I hope that with this
a small allowance you can win
this war, because, I repeat, the battle is on
not for the sake of Glory, but for the sake of your normal and
a full life.                       
                                         
 Follow my example! Me from day one
family life produced all the necessary
actions, so now I live comfortably
it's peaceful, and no one dares me to even lay a finger on me
touch! Wait a minute... What, mom? What kind of
fic, bread?  I bought it yesterday!As already
is it over?  Who ate it? Did I eat it? I generally
Do I eat logs like a locomotive? Mom, what are you talking about?
Is that what you say?  Yesterday I covered the carpet
I scrubbed the living room so much that Barsik
dust allergy has begun! He was exhausted
all at the window, poor animal. And Punya
I took him out for a walk at six in the morning! Honestly
brought it out!  She's lying!  It's always the neighbor
he's lying!  I took her downstairs in the elevator, but
not a kick out of the window! Mom, don't be nervous -
you are like that.  Do you want me to turn on the TV?
Is there some kind of series going on there?  No, mom
excuse me, I won’t watch it with you.
I can’t, I have to work. And don’t beg-
Wait.  Then, I don’t even know who has it
amnesia, and who is whose son or grandson. What the-
are you lying? Will you tell me from the very beginning? Mother!
Well, why did you plug the computer out of the socket?
Are you tearing? Ma.....