FAVORITE
ABOUT LIEUTENANT RZHEVSKY.
-------------------------------------------------------
Say a good word for the poor hussar...
/ Instead of an epigraph /
A lot of all kinds of things were put into the computer.
possible anecdotes so that he would reveal the average
ny. The result began like this: “They lie in
three Jews in bed: Reagan, Cheburashka and
Lieutenant Rzhevsky..."
* * *
Evening, Lieutenant Rzhevsky goes out to
balcony and says:
- What a moon, what stars...
- Your mother, your mother, your mother... - by
habit echoes.
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky walks with Natasha Rosto-
howling along the shore of the pond.
- How I would like to become a fish in this
pond, - saysNatasha.
“It would be better if you stood up like a crustacean,” answered
Lieutenant Rzhevsky hopes.
* * *
- Lieutenant, how do you feel about homosexuals?
to the sualists?
- Yes, sir, here I am...
* * *
From the diary of a hussar regiment. Day
first. We arrived in the village, settled
fell. Fucked all the women and drank everything
champagne. Day two. Fuck all
cattle and drank all the
gon. Day three. Drank everything that burns and
fuck everything that moves. Day four
- Lieutenant Rzhevsky has arrived! Well, here it is
debauchery has begun!!!
* * *
- Lieutenant, how do you find my chest?
- With difficulty, madam.
* * *
- Yesterday I saved a woman from rape.
- Oh, interesting, Lieutenant, tell me!
- Ah, I just persuaded her.* * *
- Lieutenant, how many children do you have?
- Yes... about six or five.
- Do you love children, Lieutenant?
- No, but the process itself...
* * *
- Lieutenant, Natasha died of cancer!
- Yes, this was her favorite position!
* * *
Natasha Rostova dances at the ball with Poru-
chick Rzhevsky. The lieutenant presses her to
wall.
- Oh, Lieutenant, do you want to crucify me?
- No, six times.
- What do you mean?
- I’ll bring in what I have.
* * *
Natasha Rostov is nineteen. Into the dark
The birthday girl enters the room with a cake,
in which only eighteen candles are burning.
“Hussars,” she addresses those present.
dear, - there was no room on the pie for one
no candle, where should I put it?
“Gentlemen, not a word about pussy!” is heard
voice of Lieutenant Rzhevsky.* * *
- Lieutenant, yesterday you slept with me, and
Today you don’t even want to say hello!
- Madam, a bed is not a reason to know...
Komstvo
* * *
Natasha Rostova dances at the ball with Poru-
chick Rzhevsky.
- Lieutenant, have you ever been in love?
- Fucked, sir. - Natasha faints.
The lieutenant catches her on the fly and
repents:
- Excuse me, madam, bullshit -
sir...
* * *
- Lieutenant, they say that you were young
become a member of the court?
- Ah, youth... With a member there, with a member
here...
* * *
- Lieutenant, you’ve been fucking me for two hours already,
but they didn’t say a single word of love...
- Oh, sorry, - I love you, cornet.
* * *- Lieutenant Rzhevsky, your title of associate
is referred to as "LIENENT LAZUCHIK", you are French
stupid spy...
- Oh, “CARNET-CLARNET-TRAMBON-GONDON”,
You're just an asshole, Monsieur Obolensky.
* * *
- What are you doing on my back, Poru-
chick?
- I'm looking for breasts, madam.
- Yes, they are in front...
- I already looked there, madam.
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky came to Pierre Bezou-
How to go to the estate, but he wasn’t there
ma. “Should I shit on the piano?” I thought
The lieutenant added out loud:
- No, province, sir, they won’t understand...
* * *
- Lieutenant Rzhevsky, you are in the city of everything
three days, but you’ve already tried everything
our women. How did you manage to do this?
- I just go up to the lady and say: “Ma-
I'll give it to you, let me show you off."
- But you can get hit in the face...
- Well, first in the faces, and then in the face -I'm roaring.
* * *
Young Lieutenant Rzhevsky plays in the
atre. His first role was
that the Lieutenant should go on stage, produce
carry "Balabuev, here is your cane" and from -
give it. The Hussars argued with the Lieutenant,
that he will make a mistake and instead of the surname Balabuev
Bala.uev will say out of excitement. And here comes
the performance and Rzhevsky goes on stage.
“Balabuev,” says Lieutenant and triumphantly
looks at the stalls, - here is your dick...
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky lies in bed with Na-
Tasha Rostova.
- You, Natasha, are just like a heating boiler -
tareya, - Lieutenant Rzhev compliments
skiy.
- What, so warm?
- No, it’s so ribbed...
- And you, lieutenant, have a penis like a London one?
express...
- What, is it as long?
- No, it costs two minutes...
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky is sailing in a boat with Na-
Tasha Rostova. Duringawkward silence
Niya Lieutenant asks:
- Natasha, have you ever had an oar?
Did you hit your pussy?
- Lieutenant, how dare you...
- Yes, I did, I just wanted to talk under-
hold...
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky is going to the ball.
The Lieutenant's orderly sees him using Vaseline
lubricates the end.
- Your Brod, why are you doing this?
- Yes, just in case.
After some time, the Lieutenant begins
Lubricate your butt with Vaseline.
- Why is this, your Brod?
- Yes, cases - they are different...
* * *
“Lieutenant,” Natasha asks at the ball.
Rostov, - can a hussar jump on a lo-
a horse at full gallop?
- Yes, it’s okay for us hussars to piss, - Na-
Tasha Rostova faints from such words.
rock
- Oh, sorry, madam, don’t give a fuck, I want to-
tell tel.
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky comes to visit
Natasha Rostova.
- Natasha, I just came up with a new one
pose - I called it the beaver pose, let's go
to the stairs.
The lieutenant and Natasha go out onto the stairs and
Rzhevsky puts her on all fours.
- Lieutenant, it’s usually cancer!
- No, Natasha, you have to gnaw
railing!
* * *
- Lieutenant, have you ever been in love?
- Fucked, sir.
- Ugh, lieutenant, I'm talking about human
love...
- It happened with people, sir.
- Oh, Lieutenant, I’m talking about pure love!
- It happened that in the bathhouse, sir.
- No, well, I mean high love -
oh my!
- Crawfish on the bell, sir? Original-
but sir!!!
* * *
- Natasha, you are already married to Lieutenant
The Rzhevskys are two years old, and you still have no money.
they...
- Oh, mom, so that I can at least once
swallow this crap...* * *
- Lieutenant, tell me: about what more often?
all the eggs are beating?
- About the saddle.
- Oh, no - about the FRYING PAN!
- A frying pan? In the balls? Funny, sir!
* * *
The lieutenant went out into the yard and returned
all wet.
- Lieutenant, is it raining heavily outside?
- No, a strong headwind...
* * *
Pierre Bezukhov woke up in the morning, forged
picked his teeth and picked out a raspberry braid
point. The count called his butler,
so that he finds out where she got it from
las. An hour later a response was received. Okaza-
it seems that last evening Pierre kissed
with Natasha Rostova, who before this marriage
la menet with Lieutenant Rzhevsky, who
before that I fucked my orderly for
that he ate some raspberry jam.
* * *
- Gentlemen, recently I went out onto the balcony and
all the ladies fainted. - Lieutenant, what were you wearing?
- I was in a gentleman's suit: qi-
lindre, butterfly, pince-nez and condom...
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky dances at a ball with Na-
Tasha Rostova.
- Ugh, lieutenant, how you smell - go
take off your socks!!!
A minute later the lieutenant returns to
Natasha.
- Lieutenant, you still have the same smell, you
took off your socks?
“But of course,” said Lieutenant Rzhevsky and
pulled them out from his bosom.
* * *
Natasha Rostova dances at the ball with Pie-
rum Bezukhov:
- Count, you have a spot on your cuff, - de-
Natasha barks a remark. Pierre goes elsewhere
room and, unable to bear the shame, hanged
Yes. And Natasha is already dancing with Andrey Bol-
equine:
- Prince, you have a spot on your frock coat, - de-
Natasha barks a remark. Andrey goes to
another room and, unable to bear the shame,
shoots himself. And now it’s the Lieutenant’s turn
Rzhevsky:
- Lieutenant, your boots are dirty...
-Don't worry madam, it's not dirt,
and shit, sir. Now it’s dry and you’ll have to
pours...
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky tells the hussars
your dream.
- I'm walking through the forest and I see...
“Ass!!!” shout the hussars, knowing full well
Lieutenant style.
- No, I see a small house, so
I approach this house and see...
“Ass!!!” the hussars shout.
- No, it’s the door, I mean I’m entering this one.
the door and I see...
“Ass!!!” the hussars shout.
“Yes,” Lieutenant Rzhevsky was confused, “and
What, have I already told you this dream?
* * *
Young Lieutenant Rzhevsky read in
book about the rules of good manners as a conversation
cook with the ladies. There were given examples -
New topics of conversation: about animals, about the weather,
about music, about love. The lieutenant did not hesitate
take advantage of the advice and decided to get acquainted
to hang out with a lady who was walking with a bologna
coy.
“What a small dog you have,” said
The lieutenant, coming closer, kicked her with his boot
gom, - something flew low, torain
give. However, I am Lieutenant Rzhevsky, I have
there is a drum at home, let's go have sex...
* * *
- Lieutenant, would you like to become a swan?
and swim in this pond?
- Well, I want to wet my ass...
* * *
Pierre Bezukhov wakes up after the ball.
- Oh, you got drunk yesterday, master, and what’s more?
and fucked up...
- Yes, it’s not me, it’s Lieutenant Rzhevsky for me.
* * *
In the morning Lieutenant Rzhevsky leaves Nat-
I'm telling Rostov.
- Lieutenant, what about the money?
- Well, madam, the hussars don’t have money...
root!
* * *
“Oh, you...(cool swearing)...,” said Po-
Little Rzhevsky cursed dirtyly.
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky rides around Moscowon from-
driver
“Oh, look, it’s an ass,” the lieutenant shouts from
to the driver.
“It’s not an ass, but a young lady,” he answers.
cab driver
“Oh, look, it’s an ass,” the guy shouts again.
chick to the cab driver.
“It’s not an ass, but a policeman,” I answered.
He's a cab driver.
“Hmm, yes,” he says after a while.
lieutenant, - after all, Moscow is a boring city -
Dishko - we’ve already driven two miles, but not a single
we never met that asshole...
* * *
The lieutenant in the theater plays Podkolesin and
as always, he forgot the role, and the prompter
prompts.
“Get married, or something,” whispers the prompter.
“GET MARRIED, SOMETHING,” repeats Rzhevsky.
“There’s no money,” whispers the prompter.
“YES THERE IS NO MONEY,” the Lieutenant repeats.
“You get up slowly,” the suf suggests.
ler.
“BUT SOMETHING IS SLOWLY GETTING UP...,” he said.
Rit Rzhevsky.
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky dances at a ball with Na-
Tasha Rostova.
- Lieutenant, let'slet's play under-
rumors,” says Natasha.
- How’s that?
- If I tell you, for example, “Lieutenant,
kiss me on the p...”, You must guess-
give in and kiss my hand.
- Oh, I understand, Natasha.
- Then it's your turn.
- Natasha, take my dick with two hands!
* * *
The Rostov family sells furniture. Case
reaches Natasha's room.
- Madam, how much does this bed cost?
- It is not for sale, it is a memory of mine
intimate relationship with Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
- Madam, how much does this piano cost?
- It is not for sale, it is a memory of my in-
intimate relationship with Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
- Madam, how much does this wardrobe cost?
- It is not for sale, it is a memory of my in-
intimate relationship with Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
- Excuse me, but there is only one left here.
chandelier...
- You are mistaken, Lieutenant Rzhevsky was
great entertainer...
* * *
- Lieutenant, I heard that you are marrying
Countess Ligovskaya, but you know that with
the whole Tambov sleeps with her...- Fi, Tambov! I was there, twenty thousand
men, no more.
* * *
“Lieutenant, is this glass or opal?”
Natasha asks, pointing to the ring
Lieutenant.
- First it was glass, and then it fell, - not like -
Having answered the question, Rzhevsky answers.
* * *
- Natasha, are you without panties again today?
- How did you know, Lieutenant?
- Because of dandruff on slippers...
* * *
- Lieutenant, do you play the guitar?
- I'm playing.
- And on the piano?
- Of course I play.
- And on the drum?
- And on the drum too.
- And on the harp, Lieutenant?
- No, not on the harp - cards through the stream -
we are slipping...
* * *
The Hussars invented a new type of billiards.
Ubilliard table pockets are removed and
Instead they put naked women. If gu-
sar sent the ball right between his legs, then he
deigns to kiss her hand. About
Lieutenant Rzhevsky recognized this.
- Listen, isn’t it better to just take them and
fuck?
- Well, when Lieutenant Rzhevsky arrives
so he will always vulgarize everything...
* * *
- Lieutenant, you promised to marry me!
- Well, you never know what I promised TO WHOM...
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky plays Chatsky.
- I don’t go here anymore... I don’t go here...
Not a rider... Ugh, damn, I forgot!!!
* * *
The lieutenant asks Natasha Rostova for
balu:
- Natasha, why are you on your glove?
res?
- So that men could kiss me
hand...
“Ah,” said the lieutenant, “now I don’t care.”
It’s clear why there’s a slit in my overcoat.* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky is riding on the train, lying
on the top shelf. Can you hear the lady downstairs talking?
rith:
- Darling, remember, never put
eggs on silver, it becomes tarnished.
- Live forever and learn! - I thought for a while -
chik Rzhevsky and moved his cigarette case
from the trouser pocket into the jacket.
* * *
The lieutenant was asked to play Othello. He
refuses, but they gave him a cheat sheet, according to
whose role to speak. This piece of paper came with
helped on the inside of the jacket and
went on stage.
- Desdemona! Infection, bitch, bastard! -
looks at the piece of paper. - Silence, pause, ha ha
three times.
* * *
- What are you thinking about, Lieutenant?
- About the same thing you are talking about, Natasha.
- Ugh, lieutenant, what a vulgar you are!
* * *
- Lieutenant, why don’t ladies get offended by
Your vulgarities?
- And I have a word neverdisagrees with
business.
* * *
Natasha Rostova makes a wish for the lieutenant
disgusting:
- Lieutenant, guess: what is - ma-
lazy, gray, whack into the genital slit!
The lieutenant hesitates:
- Natasha, but this is indecent, hmm...
- Lieutenant, what are you talking about, it’s a mouse!
The lieutenant takes off his pince-nez in surprise:
- Mouse??? In the pussy??? Original!
* * *
Three ladies argue about which is more painful: birth
reap, have an abortion or lose girls
honor.
- Eh, have you ever had a cramp in the balls?
“Did they beat you?” Poru intervenes in the conversation.
chick Rzhevsky.
* * *
The lieutenant tells in the company of hussars
about his adventures:
- ... and can you imagine, gentlemen, a hand
slowly slides up the leg, unfastens
puts on rubber bands, and then...
The young cornet cannot stand it:
- What?- You see, young man, how did I explain it to you?
thread? Have you ever been a sugar horse?
Did you palm feed?
* * *
One day, after a bad joke on the ba-
Lu, Lieutenant Rzhevsky approached the all-knowing
to my cornet:
- Cornet! Tell me some
a more interesting story so that I can later
tell it to the ladies. Only in a decent way
her.
- Okay, lieutenant. You know how in Af-
do they catch ostriches in rike?
- No.
- The natives shave their heads bald, and bury-
they are up to their ears in the sand. Ostrich thinks that
the head is an egg, and sits on it. This is where
they grab him.
The lieutenant thanked the cornet, and immediately
decided to tell this story to the officers,
who were in the barracks:
- Gentlemen! Do you know how they catch in Africa?
ostriches? They shave their heads bald and bury themselves
in the sand up to your ears, and when the ostrich passes
passing by, they grab him by the balls!
- Wait, lieutenant! Why shave your head?
woo?
- Well... There's nothing you can do about it - Af-
Rica, gentlemen, Africa...
Right there. Need togo on stage and say
phrase: "I am a messenger from Penza!" Rzhevsky exit
dit:
- I am a messenger from a pussy!.. I am a pussy go-
Nice!.. I'm probably driving, it's just fucked up!
* * *
Natasha Rostova dances at the ball from time to time
chick Rzhevsky.
- Oh, I feel bad, I’ll go to the window.
- Well, go ahead, but not for long.
- I mean lie down...
- Lick, lick...
- I mean fall asleep!
- Pines, pines...
* * *
The lieutenant approaches Natasha from behind on the ba-
Lu and says:
- Natasha, I’m so funny to you now
I’ll tell you an anecdote that your laughter makes you sad
di will fall off.
Natasha turns around. The lieutenant looks
shouts at her and says:
- Oh! I see it has already been told to you.
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky walks with Natasha Rosto-
howling along the shore of the pond.
- How would II wanted to be a fish in this
pond,” says Natasha.
- It would be better if you stood up, - from -
Lieutenant Rzhevsky is in charge.
* * *
A meeting of the New Year is taking place at the Hussar Club
year. Even before midnight the hussars had gone overboard,
the lieutenant sleeps with his face in vinaigrette, and only
one colonel is still standing. Clock
strikes twelve. Colonel, having gathered with
says with strength:
- Gentlemen, the long-awaited New Year has arrived -
finally drank!
The lieutenant, awakened by the booming bass
The cowboy raises his head and exclaims:
- At the end? How cruel...
* * *
Natasha and the lieutenant are traveling on the train.
- Lieutenant, have you ever found yourself in
railroad accident?
- Yes, I once went to Switzerland in a compartment with
general and his daughter, so that's when
the train entered a tunnel, I took my daughter's place
fucked the general himself.
* * *
The lieutenant says:
- One day, in the heat of battle, Imistakenly grabbed his penis instead of a saber.
- And then, lieutenant?
- I killed two of them before I noticed them.
* * *
Once Rzhevsky came to a ball, and
they want to tell him some incident and
he agrees:
- I somehow ended up in Africa to hunt
lion I'm walking through the jungle, cutting vines with a machete
and suddenly I go out into a clearing, and in it there are two
a hungry lion sits meters from me. Mr.
Yes, I'm screwed!
Well, everyone rushed to say:
- Well, what are you, lieutenant, to see so close?
lion With whom, they say, it doesn’t happen.
- No, gentlemen, I just shit-
Xia.
* * *
- Lieutenant, how can this be? After all, a woman needs
but first conquer!
- Hurrr-ah-ah!! - the lieutenant shouted and
member at the ready, he rushed at Natasha.
* * *
There is a ball, everyone is dancing, one lieutenant is standing at
columns with a thoughtful look. Approach him
Natasha dits and says dreamily:
-I see that you, too, like me, need...
finished off this light with its false shine and
tinsel, with its empty entertainment.
“No,” says the lieutenant, “I’m just in
waiting for the end of dancing and the beginning of fucking...
* * *
The lieutenant talks to Natasha Rosto-
howl about war. Natasha:
- Oh, war, war. Cold, hunger.
- Yes, really. Here in our regiment there is one hussar
village stole eggs from an old woman, so he was
it's hanged!
- For what? Is it really for the eggs?
- No, sir - by the neck.
* * *
From Pierre's diary:
October 10. Today I saw for the first time
Natasha.
October 15. Today I'm the first at the ball
I danced with Natasha once.
October 20. Today I kissed for the first time
caught Natasha on the lips... She was shy,
squeezed my knees and crushed my glasses...
* * *
Drunk Lieutenant Rzhevsky goes out at the ball
walks to the middle of the hall, claps his hands,
to attract attention andstates:
- Gentlemen, I went to take a piss!
The ladies are horrified, the hussars are embarrassed. Natasha
Rostova comes up to him and says:
- Lieutenant, you can’t do this, you need something...
something more cultural...
- For example?
- Well, for example, I went to look at
stars...
The lieutenant again draws attention to
to yourself:
- Gentlemen, excuse me, I went to look at
stars.
Five minutes later the lieutenant returns
and sees a huge cake on the table. Lieutenant
comes to the table and reaches into the cake with his hand.
Again everyone is confused. Natasha:
- Lieutenant, what are you...
- Gentlemen, don’t worry, I have the telescope
held with the other hand.
* * *
Natasha dances with Pierre and says:
- Pierre, you are not as smart as Sherlock Holmes
and not as kind as Dr. Watson.
Pierre left and shot himself. Natasha tan-
kisses with Bolkonsky:
- Andrey, you are not as smart as Sherlock
Holmes is not as kind as Dr. Watson.
Bolkonsky shot himself. Natasha dances
with Lieutenant Rzhevsky:
- Lieutenant, you are wrongsmart like Sherlock
Holm and are not as kind as Dr. Watson.
- But I fuck like a Baskerwine dog -
lei.
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky is asked:
-Have you ever fought over your wife?
shchiny?
- No. He shot because of a tree, but because of
women didn't have to!
* * *
On a moonlit night, Rzhevsky and Natasha ka-
lurking in a boat on the lake. Near Rzhevsky
fishing hurts after yesterday's drinking, but here
Natasha is still chatting incessantly. Unexpectedly
Rzhevsky swings an oar and hits Na-
I hit it on the head. She immediately started screaming and screaming.
Rzhevsky:
- You might think it hurts you!
* * *
Before the ball Rzhevsky to the mirror
polished my boots. At the ball he dances
kisses Natasha. Suddenly his gaze
gives for boots. Rzhevsky:
- Ah-ah-ah!
- What's wrong with you, lieutenant?
- Uffff. I was already thinking that the boot
tore it up* * *
Natasha and the lieutenant are standing on the balcony
revenge. Natasha holds a glass in her hand:
- How I love champagne, it’s such a gam-
It’s crispy, its bubbles are like splashes
sun.
- I also love champagne. I don't have beer
I drink. Beer makes me fart.
* * *
The hussars gathered and decided to talk
about art. Dubrovsky says:
- Gentlemen, let's talk about glass. Here I was in
Italy, there are such stained glass windows, just incredible
torimo!
Obolensky picked up:
- Yes, gentlemen, I have a vase at home...
netian glass, so amazing
work!
The lieutenant enters:
- What are you talking about, gentlemen?
- Yes, about art, about glass.
- About glass? Yesterday I, too, was so over-
I thought it didn’t fit in a three-liter jar!
* * *
The colonel tells Lieutenant Rzhev-
to: - So I was a friend of Pushkin in childhood, and
I remember we all played hide-and-seek games in Tsarskoe Selo
Well, Pushkin was such a joker. Here
since he hid and we can’t find him,
We shout: “Pushkin, where are you?”, and he answers:
"I'm in the moss." And then we played hide and seek again
and the girl Busya was with us, and again not
we can find Pushkin. We shout “Pushkin, where is
you?”, and he replies: “Me and Busya are under the roof.”
Vatyu".
Lieutenant Rzhevsky went to the Club and spoke
rit to the hussars:
- The Colonel told me such a funny
story about Pushkin.
- Well, tell me, lieutenant.
- Well, in general, there was a girl there, Busya,
I don’t remember the details, but at the end Pushkin
I sent everyone to hell.
* * *
The lieutenant is going to the ball and puts his se-
put a banana in your right pocket.
- Why do you have a banana in your pocket? - surprises-
Xia cornet Obolensky.
- I'll go dance with the lady. She's dancing
will cling to my right side. Feel-
there is a banana, he will become embarrassed and re-
rushes towards my left side. And then we
and see you!
* * *- Lieutenant, Natasha died of cancer!
- Yes, this was her favorite position!
- You didn’t understand me, this is a hole in the stomach -
ke.
- Oh, you flatter me, Count!
* * *
- Lieutenant! I would like to lose a little weight and I
I will become irresistible.
- It's not worth it, madam. A man is not a dog, na
the die is not rolled.
* * *
- Lieutenant! Why is your colonel, this
a prudent man, married some
the dwarf?
- Nothing strange, madam. Of all the evils
he chose the smaller one.
* * *
- Lieutenant, how do you stay healthy when
your lifestyle?
- This is because I was born before the opening
microbes
* * *
- Lieutenant! It's true that you're sleeping with
my wife?- So what? You sleep with her every time
day.
* * *
- Lieutenant, why are you holding it so strangely?
saxophone?
- I want to end on a lyrical note!
* * *
- How did you know that the Minister of Justice-
tions - an onanist?
- It's not hard to guess, he's too much
speaks of self-control.
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky was asked if it helps
Does ginseng root cure sexual impotence?
- It helps if you take a thicker root and
tie it tighter.
* * *
Rzhevsky:
- Cornet! I'm going to a ball, and I have
all puns have dried up. Throw something
brand new.
- А ты в разгар бала выключи свет и
громко скажи: "Темно как у негра где?!"
The ball is in full swing, the lieutenant turns offlight and
shouts:
- It’s dark, like someone’s ass?!
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky came to dinner with a famous
to the Count, he had eaten too much and wanted to go to the toilet.
Runs, runs around the huge count's
castle, but still can’t find a restroom. On-
the end became completely unbearable for him, he ran in
he went into the first room he came across and went down
pants, and piled a heap on the floor. And then,
already buttoning up, I saw that in this room
there is a table and the count's guests are behind it
They drink tea. The lieutenant, however, was not at a loss:
- Well, gentlemen, you have found a place where
drink tea!
* * *
- I appreciate your resourcefulness, lieutenant, but
my wife has long since begun to resemble
a dirty stable for visiting hussars.
- You are wrong, Colonel! Rather, she
looks like the infirmary of the future - clean, general
accessible and free.
* * *
- How should I deal with my son, lieutenant? Why-
then he’s more afraid of me than his wife?
- It's nothing, Colonel. Master's Case
afraid.* * *
They told Rzhevsky the following joke:
“A grandmother is riding in a cart, carrying eggs. And nav-
I meet her and she’s also being driven by a man in a cart
turf The carts came alongside, and the grandmother said
Rit: "Man, give me a yank by the balls."
Rzhevsky comes to the barracks:
- Gentlemen, here’s an anecdote from a story just now -
whether. A grandmother is riding in a cart, lucky...
z...what is she carrying...
- Maybe firewood?
- Yes, indeed, he is carrying firewood. And then
a man is driving a cart towards her...
z...
- Maybe hay?
- Yes, he's carrying hay. The carts came alongside, and
here the grandmother says: “Man, give me a tug for
eggs."
* * *
The lieutenant asks the orderly:
- Tell me something interesting!
- Adam pressed Eve to the tree. Eva squeaks
the tree is cracking.
The lieutenant comes to the noble gathering
and says, having given way:
- Gentlemen! I was told here that it’s lovely
pun! I don't remember exactly its contents -
nie, but, in general, a womanfuck - wood chips
dude...
* * *
Approaches the ball to the always drunken time -
some cornet guy says:
- Lieutenant, they say you are a master, tell
live the pun...
The lieutenant answers without hesitation:
- Easily! The feces are brown and the body is white...
* * *
- Lieutenant, can you hit the point?
- I can, sir!
- And in siku?
- That's right, sir!
- What about preference?
- Where, sir?!
* * *
General calls Lieutenant Rzhevsky to
to your office:
- I'm going to the ball tomorrow, I need a new ca-
lambur. Just not about the ass, otherwise you,
Lieutenant, what’s not a mystery is an ass and an ass
pa...
- Okay. Small, gray, across the field
jump-jump, jump-jump?
- ASS!!!
- No, bunny, sir.
- And II think how an ass can cross the field
jump-jump, jump-jump?
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky returned from a distant
outpost where he served for several years:
- I just can’t forget, gentlemen... I came in
a girl to our outpost... Twelve
years... And we caught her and took turns...
- Lieutenant, didn’t you really feel sorry for her?
- (wiping away a tear) It’s a pity... I had it and
cried...
* * *
The Colonel climbs the stairs of the office
Tsersky club. Rolls down from above and knocks down
A drunken Rzhevsky knocks him down.
Colonel, standing up and brushing himself off:
- Lieutenant! When will you finally
stop drinking!
Rzhevsky, trying to get up and not trying
shake yourself off:
- Mister Colonel! I tried to chew -
it doesn't work!
* * *
Rzhevsky tells the lady at the ball:
- Imagine, the day before yesterday, I’m going in the evening
along the alley, I look: General N is standing on the
make, fuckhorse. Well I sneak up and
how I whistle! And how the horse will carry it!...
- Ugh! - leaves the lieutenant offended.
After a while the lady comes up to
to General N who came to the ball and complains:
- General! Your lieutenant is such a vulgar fellow!
- Ha, madam! He's not only vulgar, he's also
and scoundrel! Imagine the day before yesterday: I’m standing
on a bench, fucking a horse...
* * *
Officers' meeting. The hussars are bored.
Here Lieutenant Rzhevsky takes off his pants and
farts "God Save the Tsar!" Universal
delight, stormy applause. It's about time
The colonel comes up to the boy and says:
- Bravo, lieutenant! Could you use
fill "Luchinushka"?
- Alas, Mr. Colonel. I'm on high
Some notes give you diarrhea, sir.
* * *
- Lieutenant, give me some
nice flower.
- Please, madam.
- Well, what kind of flower is this?
- But it’s pleasant.
* * *
- Lieutenant, the doctor advised me to drinkginseng, but it did not help with impotence
gags.
- And you try to tie him, regiment -
nickname And don't keep stocks in your pants, they're all
they won't rise anyway.
* * *
The lieutenant sleeps with Natasha and she tells him
rit
- Lieutenant, finally stop the alarm -
nickname!
- For what???
- So that there is at least something in this room
stood!
* * *
Having made an appointment with the lieutenant at night
Rzhevsky, the lady asked him upon entering
house, take off your boots so as not to wake up the
machine He, holding boots in his hands,
kidneys sneaks into her bedroom, while
A terrifying scream is heard throughout the house.
zhet. The lady runs out to meet him:
- Lieutenant, what are you scraping with like that?
- Nails, sir.
* * *
The lieutenant is in his mistress's boudoir
Rzhevsky unbuttoned his jacket and took off his boots.
gi.The lady shuddered:
- Fi, lieutenant, have you ever worn socks?
are you changing?
- Very rarely and only for vodka!
* * *
On a train going from Moscow to St. Petersburg, they are sitting
Rzhevsky with Natasha and Prince Bolkonsky.
Natasha chirps:
- Ah, prince! What a miracle these iron do-
horns! Imagine, one foot in Moscow,
and the other in St. Petersburg...
The lieutenant asks gloomily:
- Prince, have you been to Bologoe?
- No, what?
- Terrible hole...
* * *
The prince is sitting in the noble assembly
Bolkonsky and Natasha Rostova. Here he runs in
Rzhevsky begins to explain passionately
Prince, what a beautiful ass his wife has,
Kovnik. Natasha turns around and asks
says:
- Prince, what is an ass?
Well, how do you explain this to the lady from the ob-
society?
- You see, Natasha, we, cavalrymen,
so-called racehorses.
Some time passed. Natasha sits with
Pierre at the theater, operalooking. Natasha
leans over to Pierre and quietly asks
says:
- Pierre, what color is your butt?
“Pink,” answers the embarrassed Pierre.
- And I have a brown one, and it laughs terribly,
when I wash it...
* * *
Natasha Rostova leans out of the window.
- Lieutenant, where are you going?
- To the barn, to fuck the cows, sir.
- Ugh, lieutenant, but this is low!
- But I saved a stool.
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky and Natasha Ros are sitting
tova in the restaurant. The lieutenant begins to er-
sits on a chair, then gets up.
-Where are you going, lieutenant?
- Madam, I’ll just take a moment to hug my g-
dearly beloved friend, with whom I hope
I'll introduce you a little later.
* * *
- Rzhevsky, can a woman be...
by hand?
- No, only under a lieutenant.
* * *- I instructed, what do you do in your
free time?
- Standing on stools, fucking horses!
- A-ah!
Runs away from him and approaches another
officer.
- You know, this lieutenant of yours, well, Rzhev -
Sky, such a scoundrel...
- Yes, that’s for sure - I ate a goat yesterday -
hal, and Rzhevsky howls like a wolf behind -
So all I have left in my hands are the horns...
* * *
Natasha chats with the lieutenant:
- Lieutenant, you come to me today.
- Why, sir?
- And I’ll put a ladder to the bedroom window.
- So what?
- We'll be all alone...
- I don’t understand, sir.
- Oh, Lord! What a fool! Get fucked
will you come to me today or not, idiot?
- I got the hint, sir...
* * *
Colonel Rzhevsky is asked:
- Listen, Colonel, when were you
Lieutenant, what was your hobby?
- Hunting and women!
- And who are you following?hunted?
- For women, of course.
* * *
The social ball is in full swing. Lieutenant Rzhev-
Sky dances with Natasha Rostova:
- You are happy, Natasha! Love Pierre
get married, have a baby...
- And you, lieutenant?
- And I’ll probably be a family friend.
* * *
Beautiful summer morning. Natasha will wake up-
I was in my bed and suddenly I heard a strange
gum sounds of the piano. Natasha quickly stood up
and ran out into the next room. wonderful
music could already be heard from the next room -
you... Natasha ran along the corridor, opening
doors: first, second, third... Finally,
she ran into a large hall, in the center of which
There was a piano standing next to it, and the deputy was sitting next to it.
chick Rzhevsky played.
- Lieutenant, do you play the piano? - ask
strength admiring Natasha.
- Yes, sir, fuck! - in a drunken voice
answered the lieutenant.
* * *
Natasha Rostova's ball. Rzhevsky exit
goes to the center of the hall,puts it on the floor at night
potty and sits down.
- Now, if the ladies don't mind, I'll
I'll smoke.
* * *
One day Lieutenant Rzhev went to the theater
skiy, Andrei Bolkonsky, Pierre Bezukhov and,
of course, Natasha Rostova. They sit and watch
staging. Here Bolkonsky says Nata-
she:
- Natasha, is there something on the back of your chair?
that word is written.
- Which one?
Bolkonsky hesitated:
- Well... The first letter is the same as in the word-
ve “cold,” and elbows Bezukhov.
Pierre immediately got his bearings:
- And the second is the same as in the word "court" -
and pushes Rzhevsky. Lieutenant:
- And the third letter is the same as the third
letter in the word "dick".
* * *
Natasha Rostova and Rzhevsky are engaged
love on the piano. Natasha, rolling her eyes
with delight, whispers to the lieutenant:
- Oh... more... lieutenant... stronger, further -
hush... now be quiet... freeze...
“Madam,” the lieutenant reasonably remarks, “who
who gives a fuck?* * *
Hunters gathered to share their exploits
their own. Well, vodka and so on, es-
naturally. Lieutenant Rzhevsky says:
- I’m walking, I see a wild boar. I am a BANG from a gun.
Well, I cut off the thigh of a boar, put it on the shoulder...
lived I go further - elk. I'M BANG! Thigh
cut it off and put it on the other shoulder.
We drank and ate.
- So, sir, what am I talking about?
- Well, you have one thigh on this shoulder,
another one on this...
- Ah! Yes! Well, I put it in!
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky connects to the conversation
thief:
- By the way, about birds, I saw yesterday in
hippopotamus zoo, such an ass, and no
one feather!
* * *
Lieutenant Rzhevsky addresses the regiment
nickname:
- Colonel, I have no money, and you
they are always found. How did you do this-
did you achieve it?
- Where do you put your salary? -in-
is wonderingcolonel.
- I'm giving it to my wife! - answers proudly
little hand
- Well, you come up to her from behind, kiss her -
those in the neck, and all the problems will immediately appear
solved!
The lieutenant did just that. One evening he
crept up to his wife from behind and kissed her on the
neck, and heard her wonderful voice:
- What, Colonel, the money has run out again -
were you?
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