ASK FUDGE: HE'S ALWAYS HERE WITH A KINDLY EAR

ASK FUDGE: HE'S ALWAYS HERE WITH A KINDLY EAR                   
Please keep your letters short and to the point. We regret that 
personal correspondance cannot be entered into although your    
stamped adressed envelopes do come in handy sometimes.          
================================================================
                                                                
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,                                               
                                                                
I'm a much travelled man in my sixties, getting on a bit now but
it comes to us all eventually. The thing is, no matter where    
I've been in the world I've found that shit smells of shit. It  
really is a great leveller of men; no matter what colour your   
skin or what name you give to your God, shit still smells the   
same. Please Uncle Fudge, tell us how can this be?              
                                                                
Tom Preston, Preston                                            
                                                                
Thanks Tom for a great letter, yes it's good to travel and      
broaden ones horizons. Do you know why so many travellers come  
from Australia and Scotland? It's 'cos their own countries are  
so awful, they can't wait to get out. Anyway Tom, to your       
question. The human waste is all the lumpy bits we eat. The more
watery stuff comes out as frothy hot piss. Whilst in the arse   
chamber, chemical reactions take place which causes the shit to 
smell of shit. Hope that solves the problem for you!            
                                                                
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,                                               
                                                                
When playing loud music on my hi-fidelity gramaphone system, I  
sometimes hear a loud rhythmic knocking sound coming from the   
wall behind the left channel loud-speaker. I've had my system   
checked by a qualified engineer but the problem persists (not   
all the time but certainly more often than not). Would it be    
wise to pay a builder to come and check the foundations of my   
house or is it just old age (the house is 90 years old this     
year),    Derek Tweezers, Devon                                 
                                                                
Thanks Derek for a great letter. Buying a house is the most     
expensive item you will ever purchase, so yes, do get that      
builder in for the once over. You'll find some useful addresses 
in your Yellow Pages.                                           
                                                                
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,                                               
                                                                
Please can you tell me the number of the telecom phone-line     
which is called 'On all fours, big boobs hanging down'. I have  
misplaced my personal diary with all my telephone numbers in but
this one is most important,      Simon, Exeter.                 
                                                                
Thanks Simon for a great letter. The number you require is      
0898 300 400. Hope that sorts you out.                          
                                                                
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,                                               
                                                                
Having been married for 26 years this September, my wife Doreen 
steadfastly refuses to take my pan handle up the shitter. No    
amount of coercion seems to do the trick. Can you suggest the   
way to a womans heart where a bit of brown hatting is concerned?
      Peter Pervis, Shepherds Bush.                             
                                                                
Thanks Peter for a great letter. I get a great many letters (all
of them fantastic and also very great) on the subject of wives  
refusing to perform horny acts Peter so you are not alone when  
it comes to boring and coy spouses. Women are brought up to     
believe the bottom to be a very dirty area, whilst as young     
boys, you and I used to put our fingers up our own bottoms and  
then smell them with nostrils flaring. Have you considered      
visiting a prostitute? You'll find some useful telephone numbers
in your Yellow Pages.                                           
                                                                
                                                                
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,                                               
                                                                
When weeding the garden the other day in preparation for my     
spring onions I found an old sixpence. After polishing, it came 
up a treat. Is it worth anything?        Ron Cavey , Leicester  
                                                                
Thanks Ron for a great letter. No really, your use of the       
English language is just such a joy to entertain. A sixpence was
worth sixpence. Hope that puts your mind at rest.               
                                                                
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE                                                
                                                                
I've discovered a useful tip that I hope you will pass onto your
readers. After drinking several cans of Strongbow Super Cider, I
suddenly discovered that my wife looked attractive again. We've 
been married for 32 years this Febuary. We had it major! On the 
stairs, in the garage, on top of the shower unit and twice on   
the sofa. Not only that but I even got some fisting in, it was  
great. After a few weeks I noticed the effects of the cider were
not working so well, so I started on the Vodka. It's now working
better than ever,       Andrew Digby, Potters Bar.              
                                                                
Thanks Andrew for a great letter. I'm sure some readers will try
this for themselves. Has anyone else got any useful tips?       
                                                                
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,                                               
                                                                
Yes, I have. When going for an evening out to the local         
hostilery, do check that there are no Germans in your party.    
They will inevitably not find your jokes funny so spoiling the  
evening for the rest of you. And as for the Scottish, well,     
isn't it funny how they always go to the toilet when the next   
round is due?          Ralph, Brixton                           
                                                                
Thanks Ralph for a great letter. Yes it takes all sorts to make 
a world and what a crap world it would be if everyone was       
German. 1966, that's what I say!                                
                                                                
                                                                
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,                                               
                                                                
About 17 years ago, on my honeymoon in fact, St Ives, lovely    
place... and I was just about to introduce my man member into my
ladies grass when she was suddenly possessed, as if by a devil! 
She started to speak in tounges, moaning wildly and saying      
things like "Squeeze my tits" and "Lick my fanny". I had never  
heard such latin before or since. My wife was as bemused as I   
afterwards, saying she felt a bit odd, somehow empty inside!    
On returning home we sought an audience with our local vicar who
told us God acts in mysterious ways. That was all he said       
really. Can you explain what happened that night? Did we meet   
the devil himself?                           Dudley, Birmingham 
                                                                
Thanks Dudley for a great letter. Women are very easily taken   
over by the forces of darkness at these distressing times. Best 
of luck mate for the future. And I really mean that.

Другие статьи номера: