Enjoy - Humor.

                                          
























                                          
Compiled by JASON KRUEGER                 
                                          
1. - Vovochka! Don't swing on grandpa! He doesn't
That's why I hanged myself!                       
                                          
2. A sailor comes to the ship's doctor and
says:                                    
 - Doctor, I can’t.                
 “Well, this matter can be fixed,” I gave him a tablet. 
letku.An hour later the sailor comes running again.   
 - Doctor, he fell!                        
 - So what? He can’t stand forever.       
 - So he fell on the deck...      
                                          
3. Two cannibals are sitting. One is considering
PLAYBOY. Another looked at the fashion models and
says:                                  
 - Ew, what disgusting!                       
 - Are you talking about the corruption of morals?                
 - Yes, what a corruption of morals there is. Yesterday
I ate one of these - I was sick with silicone all day -
nilo...                                   
                                          
4. A doctor standing in front of the bed of a deceased patient
enta asks the nurse:              
 - Did the patient sweat before death?           
Sister:- Yes, I was sweating.                              
Doctor (thoughtfully):                       
 - That's good...                          
                                          
5. Stirlitz fed the children on the sly.
and the children were plump and dead.                    
                                          
6. The doorbell rings. The man opens:       
 -Who are you?                                
 - I am death!                            
 - So what?                              
 - Yes, that’s all, in general...             
                                          
7. - Vovochka, don’t bite your grandfather’s nails, and
In general, move away from the coffin!                   
                                          
8. - Vovochka, you again threw yourself at Peter Ser-
Geevich with bricks?!                       
 - I won't do it again!                      
 - And he doesn’t need any more!                
                                          
9. In prison:                              
 - What did you get caught for?                          
 - For poaching.                      
 - How much did they give?                          
 - 15 years!!!- You're lying! They don’t give you that much for it!         
 - So I killed the fish with dynamite, but they surfaced
six divers.                          
                                          
10. A thin student is riding on a trolleybus,   
only skin and bones. The old woman says to him:
 - Oh, you’re so thin, exhausted, probably
Are you studying for straight A's?                       
 - No, grandma, I’m an average student.             
 - Well, let me at least hold your plate.   
 - This is not a splash, this is a student Sidorov, here
he gets straight A's.                     
                                          
11. The doorbell rings. The man opens it and sees
death stands on the threshold with a scythe, as tall as
matchbox. Scared, almost fainted
did not fall.Death:                       
 - Don’t be afraid, man, I’m coming to the canary!          
                                          
12. An old surgeon instructs a young surgeon
ed operation:                            
 - Look, don’t press too hard on the scalpel, otherwise
Because of you, three tables have already been written off.         
                                          
13. A man came to the bar, pulled out a
hee little man. Everyone around is gathered
we wanted to take a look. The man poured vodka into the hanep-drain, gave it to the gnome and said:                 
 - Have a drink, Fedya, and tell us again,
How did you send a sorcerer to hell in Africa...  
                                          
14. Müller calls Stirlitz:             
 - Stirlitz, where were you in 1938?       
 - With you, boss, in Spain.                  
 - A in 1928?                         
 - With you on the CBR.                        
 - A in 1918?                         
 - Vasily Ivanovich?                      
 - Exactly, Petka!                          
                                          
15. An American writes in his diary: “Yesterday    
I drank with the Russians all day. I almost died..." 
“Today I spent the whole day hanging over them. 
I wish I had died yesterday."                   
                                          
16. Stirlitz ran along the corridor, Muller  
tripped him and he fell down.      
 - Eat your mother! - said Stirlitz.      
 - Don't you dare poke me! - Mule shouted -  
ler.                                      
                                          
17. At the hospital reception:              
 - Tell me, where is the sick Ivanov?      
 - Who stepped on the mine yesterday?    
 -Yes, yes, yes...                            
 - B 11th, 12th and 13th.                    
                                          
18. Two Jews meet:                
 - Listen, Syoma, do you know who the nationality is?  
realities of Mao Zedong?                    
 - Can't be!                         
                                          
19. A passerby asks a fisherman:         
 - Well, is it biting? Did you catch a lot?            
 - Yes, I caught one and threw it into the river.        
 - Was it little?                         
 - No, he’s as tall as you, I asked too, he’s biting  
or not.                                  
                                          
20. Patient with a psychiatrist:                  
 - Doctor, I have nightmares all the time.  
For two months now I have been dreaming about rats   
playing football!                          
 - Well, that’s not a problem, here’s a pill, you-
drink it tonight and everything will be fine
row.                                    
 - Doctor, can I drink it tomorrow?      
 - Why?                                
 - And they have the final today.                 
                                          
21. A young man comes to settle down 
onwork for a company. The boss is sitting at the table, on  
gold chain around the neck, manner of speaking accordingly 
present:                                 
 - Well, bro, sit down, how are you?
wut?                                      
 - Nikolai.                               
 - Yeah, that’s it, Kolyan, you come to nohe- 
businessman early, at 11 o'clock, at 12. Arrival   
you walk and work.                         
 - What will my job be? I
I can work on a computer, I have two degrees 
I have no education, I drive a car...            
 - Yes, this is all bullshit, bro, we’ll find you some-
something to do. The most important thing is in four
pe o'clock we have a planning meeting. We are gathering at the me-
in the office - vodka, cognac, whiskey, wine 
etc. We're buzzing until the morning.                     
 - I beg your pardon, but I don’t drink.            
 - Got it. You don’t come on Monday, start- 
You start working on Tuesday. Everything is as usual,
but don’t be late for the planning meeting at four o’clock.
Let's get together, let's sit, guys, drugs 
zoot, touch, sniff.                   
 - Sorry, but I'm an athlete...             
 - So, don’t come on Tuesday either,  
you'll start on Wednesday. Everything is as usual, but at four
pe - to the planning meeting. We’ll invite the girls, yctpo-
im rpynnobyxy...                          
 - I can’t, I have a wife and two children.        
 - Tell me, Kolyan, are you gay by any chance?  
 - No, what are you...                          
 - Well, then don’t come on Thursday either.You won't like it.                       
                                          
22. "New Russian" goes to the killer:       
 - I want to remove my companion.              
 - Excellent, as you want: to stab, at-   
shoot, hang?                        
 - No, I want to explode. So, the street   
Panfilovtsev, house 14.                       
 - How much will you pay?                     
 - One hundred thousand bucks! Apartment, room...    
 - Come on, for that kind of money it’s enough   
house number...                             
                                          
23. Phone call. Woman picks up      
handset:                                   
 - Yes! Tonya? Bepa? Valentina? Alexey Mi- 
Khailovich? Valka, what are you doing? Irina? Oh, Du- 
cehbka, I recognized you immediately.               
                                          
24. Ukraine.Night.Hayloft.Voices:          
 - Yes, I don’t need... Yes, I don’t want... Yes, I don’t 
taka... No way...                     
                                          
25. Ukraine.Night.Hayloft.Voices:          
 - So what?                                 
 - Isho!                                   
 - What are you doing?                              
 - Awhat?                                  
                                          
26. In a mental hospital:                       
 - Doctor, Napoleon from Lenin's 6th Ward   
hits!                                     
 - Where was he, the parasite, in the seventeenth? 
                                          
27. Hairdresser, cutting the client twice 
how to somehow soften the situation asks  
him:                                     
 -Have you visited us before?                  
 - No, I lost my arm in the war.           
                                          
28. After the funeral, she died suddenly
Gosya colleagues, two friends were drawn to fi- 
losofing:                           
 - I would like to die in a halo 
glory, says one.                    
 - And I would prefer to die like my grandfather-
ka - peacefully, in a dream, and not screaming and moaning like  
passengers on his bus.                 
                                          
29. Japanese tragedy:                    
Father is a rickshaw driver, mother is a geisha, and son is Moisha   
                                          
30. Stirlitzcall from the Gestapo:           
“If you don’t pay for electricity, we’ll turn it off.” 
transmitter"                               
                                          
31. Phone call:                   
 - Is this an ambulance?                   
 - Yes.                                    
 - Tell me, man, who at six o'clock  
morning begins to blow the horn and everyone   
Is it normal or not? No? Then when  
Send paramedics urgently. Address: Le Avenue 
Nina, house 51-a. Barracks                     
                                          
32. On duty:                             
 - Stop! Who's coming?!                       
 “Rain,” answered Stirlitz and drummed 
fingers on glass.                       
                                          
33. The man met his school friend
yatelya, now a general:                      
 - Listen, Vasya, how did you manage to become  
general? After all, as far as I remember, at school 
you answered any question: “I don’t do anything   
I know!"                                    
 - And I still say this: “I didn’t do anything.”   
I know, but by morning it will be!”                
                                          
34. Sitting VasilyIvanovich with Petka and    
They drink. Then Petka says:                
 - You, Vasily Ivanovich, don’t drink too much, you  
After all, tomorrow we still have to cross half the Urals.    
                                          
35. Clock in a Georgian house:               
 - Poke-tock, poke-tock.                       
                                          
36. May '45. At the ruins of the Reichstag 
Stirlitz stands, hung with orders and medals -
mi. They pass by on motorcycles rec- 
Tapovtsy.                                  
 “Metalist,” thought the Gestapo.       
 “Rockers,” thought Stirlitz.              
                                          
37. From the medical history: "The patient was examined
dovan. Was operated on. Was good toba- 
Let's write..."                                 
                                          
38. - Mamed, do you have a mother-in-law?             
 - Jock!                                   
 - That’s right, Mamed, I did it, I’ll come - mine 
I'll burn it too.                               
                                          
39. The Israeli army arrived uhcnektupy-
Youth American. Two generals are walking along the territory 
putopuu military unit:“You don’t have any discipline,” he notes.
American - A private just passed by and  
didn't greet you.                   
 - What are you saying! I'm coming now!             
 The Jewish general catches up with the soldier, jerking
grabs him by the sleeve:                          
 - Zema, are you offended by me?          
                                          
40. Stirlitz returned from a business trip to    
Berlin. The city was on fire.           
"Damn it," thought Stirlitz, "again  
I forgot to turn off the iron"                     
                                          
41. Bond cigarettes for sale. Tel.007,   
ask James.                         
                                          
42. Stirlitz saw a cat in a garbage bin -  
ke. “Strange,” thought Stirlitz. “At all.” 
The cat that was still fit was thrown away."              
                                          
43. Parents put Vovochka to teach her homework  
ki, and locked themselves in the room. Vovochka, for- 
looking through the keyhole:               
 - And these people forbid me to pick in the but-
su!                                       
                                          
44. The Jewish nation has given us many great  
many people. Among them are three especially famous
you. Christ gave faith, Marx gave hope, and   
Einstein showed that both  
comparatively.                               
                                          
45. Conversation between two friends:              
 - Izya, I heard you married a Russian?    
 - Yes.                                    
 - And why?                               
 - You know, Jewish women get sick so often...   
 - What, Russians don’t get sick?               
 - They get sick, but you don’t feel so sorry for them...           
                                          
46. Question:                               
 - Is it possible to build communism in Israel?
 Answer:                                   
 - Why does such a small country need this?     
big misfortune?                        
                                          
47. At the cemetery, the doctor meets his colleague
I'm going to bed:                                     
 - What, my friend, is also inventory?       
                                          
48. At a lecture at the medical institute, the professor
gives students a question:                     
 - Do you know the difference between a schizophrenic
and hebpactehukom? After a short pause, he explains:      
 - A schizophrenic knows that two and two are five. 
and at the same time absolutely calm.A hebpacte-  
Nick is sure that two and two are four and  
I'm terribly worried about this.                   
                                          
49. In a restaurant, a plump Jewish woman suddenly started
starts shouting to the whole hall:                 
 - Waiter! Water! Heart... Heart burns! 
The waiter runs up:                       
 - Madame Rabinovich! Pull the breasts out of the boron
sha.                                       
                                          
50. - Have you been to the zoo?                  
 - Was.                                   
 - Why did he run away? Were you fed poorly?           
                                          
51. In a psychiatric hospital, a doctor 
blowing with the patient:                         
 - So, patient, you still think   
yourself Anatoly Borisovich Chubais?      
 - Yes, of course.                         
 - So, here's to you for privatization, here's to you  
for Lebed, here you are for the miners!!!          
                                          
52. Question:- What is the difference between a person falling from a per- 
th floor from a man falling from the ninth 
floors?                                    
 Answer:                                   
 - From the first floor: “Boom! A-a-a-a...” From the de-
Vyatogo: "A-a-a-a... Boom!"                 
                                          
53. On the ship:                           
 - Navigator, what’s straight ahead?            
 - Six-oar boat!                 
 - Navigator, what's on the starboard side?           
 - Six-oar boat!                 
 - And on the left side?                      
 - Six-oar boat!                 
 - Remove the flea from your glasses...               
                                          
54. The wife spoke to Ilya Muromts before the distance 
her dear:                              
 - Take care of your head, Ilyusha! Remember: by the road  
there will be a stone, and there will be three inscriptions on it. So,
keep in mind! I don’t know whether it’s straight or to the right, but
if you go to the left, I’ll knock your head off 
I'm tearing up!                                      
                                          
55. After what the government did to
people, it is simply obliged to marry him - 
Xia.                                       
                                          
56. - No, no! - the editor-in-chief shouts  
penoptepy. - This is too long a report.
Throw away all unnecessary details!      
 The reporter submitted and brings halfway through 
hour text: "Racing driver Sidorov drove the car
at a speed of 180 km/h on a slippery highway.
Funeral tomorrow at 15 o'clock."              
                                          
57. Acquaintance by phone:               
 - Your ad says “50/170”  
"50" is the weight?                           
 - No, height. A "170" - waist size.       
                                          
58. Abram meets Moisha.                
 - Listen, you could lend it to a friend   
a thousand rubles?                            
 - I could. But I have no friends.          
                                          
59. Maria Ucaakuebha Petrova fills in the
chum salmon The HR manager is interested in:           
 - Why are you Ucaakuebha? Jewish or what?
 - What do you think about St. Isaac's Cathedral -   
cuharora?                                 
                                          
60. Shop "Lukyanov and brother. And sister. And   
two nephews. And a married aunt. And another 
onwoman from Rostov-on-Don."           
                                          
61. A business woman is sitting in a bar.
there is a “new Russian” walking around:                    
 - Let me offer you my company.
 - Why did you decide to sell it?         
                                          
62. One Jew wrote a letter to the Supreme 
Advice: "I propose to exchange me for two me-
Canadian wheat."                   
 In Bepxobhom the Council thought for a long time and otbetu-
Lee: “The offer is interesting, but we consider it
forest-like to use you for harvesting 
"Ke pine nuts."                      
                                          
63. - Is it possible to make Paris a model   
socialist city?                
 - It’s possible, but it’s a shame.                        
                                          
64. Rabinovich walks past the building on Lu- 
byanke.On the doors it is written: "For strangers    
entry denied." Rabinovich:               
 - Ha! You might think if they wrote
“Welcome”, so I would go there!    
                                          
65. Grandmother and granddaughter sitting onkitchen.Babush-
ka:                                       
 - Yes, before the music was much more melodic. 
Granddaughter:                                   
 - Grandma, this is the mixer that works.         
                                          
66. - The more a person receives, the     
he demands more...                      
 - Yes? Have you ever been given eight   
years of strict regime.                      
                                          
67. There is a tour of the museum. Guide:  
 - And now you see the picture “Seven Bep-  
dishes." The first camel looks into the distance. Second-
a swarm of camels looks at the back of the head of the first camel
dish. The third camel looks at the back of the head    
the second camel. The fourth camel looks  
hits the back of the third camel's head. The fifth camel
dish looks at the back of the head of the fourth camel- 
du. The sixth camel looks at the back of the head of the fifth
camel. The seventh camel looks at the back of the head
to the sixth camel. The sixth camel looks into 
the back of the head of the fifth camel. The fifth camel is smo-
tput into the back of the head of the fourth camel. Four-
the third camel looks at the back of the third camel's head    
camel. The third camel looks at the back of the head 
to the second camel. The second camel looks into 
back of the head of the first camel. First camel   
looks into the distance... And now let's move on to the car-
tuhe "33 heroes"...68. They are burying an electrician. They are talking in the crowd
ut:                                       
 - Still very young... How old is he?
zero?                                     
 - Three hundred and eighty!                    
                                          
69. Nice shot, mate, says
one hunter to another, - feathers and fields -
are they moving in different directions?                    
 - Feathers? But I shot a hare!      
                                          
70. A lady buys grapes at the market:     
 - Please weigh a kilo for my husband.
of this variety. By the way, you didn't spray him
pesticides?                            
 - No, but you can do it yourself at
hardware store around the corner.                         
                                          
71. The husband returns home in the morning and announces
explains to his wife:                              
 - You see, I was sitting with friends yesterday. I'm coming
home and suddenly I see the ground higher and higher -
bam on my forehead. I stood like that all night.   
                                          
72. Two aliens arrive on Earth,They go to the gas station and tell her:     
 - Hello, we are representatives of foreign
no civilization, we want to establish a con-
tact.                                     
 The gas station is silent.                     
 One alien to another:              
 - He’s become impudent, let’s attack him
blaster!                                 
 They moved away, fired, the column exploded, they
smeared on the wall:                      
 - No shit, he’s cool!              
 - It was immediately obvious - the dick was around three times
I wrapped it around myself and stuck it behind my ear!            
                                          
73. Performance at the circus, a conference is coming out
pahcbe, all wrinkled, staggering:             
 - And now our signature number is a woman
with a beard, no breasts and a big dick. 
                                          
74. - Honey, we can earn a lot of money
neg - the circus requires a number "sex life"
on stage."                                
 Wife with doubts:                        
 - What if the audience demands an encore?       
                                          
75. A man comes to the store, sees
something beautiful, airy, light on the counter.
 - Tell me, what is so beautiful here?airy, light?                         
 - Yes, this is yogurt                        
 - A-a-a! (dreamy) Yogurt!.. Give me   
a bottle of port...                      
                                          
76. What is small, gray, across the field
jumps, collects grass?                   
 Answer: drug addict.                         
                                          
77. A priest is walking along a rural road, vi-
kid, a man is mowing hay, and there is a bell on his feet -
chicks. Approaches the man:                 
 - Why are you wearing bells?      
 - So that every creature of God, having heard the ringing
was saved. I am a sinner, father, a great sinner.  
 - What's the matter?                       
 - Well, you see, we have a mo-
dear lady...                           
 - It’s okay, I forgive you this sin.      
 - But when the young lady leaves, she remains -
this old lady...                       
 - Okay, I forgive you this sin too.       
 - But when the old lady leaves, she stays
there is a young gentleman...                     
 - Yes, it’s true that you’re a sinner, but oh well, it’s a deal-
let's talk to God somehow...               
 - And when the young master also leaves, os-
the old master is hiding.                      
 - Come on, man... It’s going to be a little difficult,
but I will also erase this sin...                 
 - Butwhen the old master leaves, it stops
horse in the stable...                       
 - Listen, man, it’s not on your feet, it’s on your
Egg bells need to be hung...        
                                          
78. Once Lenin came to the bathhouse, and all the gangs
ran out. He sees that a man from one gang is washing -
Xia, and put his feet in the other. Lenin:        
 - Comrade Gabochiy, please lend me a sha-
echku.                                     
 Man:                                   
 - Fuck you, you fucking intellectual!        
 Lenin:                                   
 - Well, tovagish worker, please have some
conscience, lend a man a checker...       
 Man:                                   
 - I told you, fuck you, bye on your bald head
I didn't fuck with the gang!                          
 Twenty years later the teacher says
for children:                                    
 - And now a man will speak in front of you,
who twenty years ago said twice
reel with Lenin.                            
                                          
79. Krupskaya tells children how Lenin is 
loved children:                              
 - When Vladimir Ilyich lived in Razliv, with
There was one interesting case. Here he sits
He’s shaving in the morning, and a boy walks by. Le-Nin shaves and glances at the boy.
Vladimir Ilyich was shaving and washing the razor, and
the boy is looking at everything, he washed the razor, you -
rubbed, and looked at the boy so slyly,
he wiped the razor and... put it in the case -
chick... And he could have slashed!              
                                          
80. A walker came to Lenin and said:      
 - Bolodimir Ilyich, we have completely lost oats
Let's eat, we'll soon start eating like horses.              
 - Well, it’s you, my friend, I suddenly half-
I filled the jars of honey, but didn’t bother
like a bear on the run.                    


                                          
(C) Jason Krueger                         
                                          
 Little boy, bull terrier and many   
                others.                   
                                          
 (Ditties)                  
                                          
1. A little boy was banging on a drum,    
   The neighbor below was angry and drunk.            
   Mom came home from work late           
   I found a bloody mess at home.2. The bull terrier ran quickly along the road,     
   I saw a fat woman ahead,           
   He grabbed her ass and started wheezing,     
   That auntie can't sit anymore.        
                                          
3. A little boy bought a guitar,        
   Heavy Metal was chopping on it at night,        
   The neighbors went deaf, all the cats died,       
   All that was left of dad was his horns and legs.  
                                          
4. A brick flew from the roof to the ground,         
   I saw a bald guy from below,               
   A blow is heard, a crunch of the head,              
   Brains are dripping from a dirty wall.         
                                          
5. A little boy found a bomb,         
   No one came home from school.        
   Burnt meat, bone fragments -           
   All that is left of the poor children.      
                                          
6. A factory worker fell asleep at work,        
   My arms and legs were pulled under the press,        
   Now nothing hurts him,         
   A factory worker lies in his grave.         
                                          
7.A little boy played in a concentration camp,  
   Locked up mom and dad without food.           
   Somehow some guests came into his house,       
   And there are two skeletons, just skin and bones.
                                          
8. An angry bull terrier ran along the road,       
 And suddenly he saw thick legs...      
   Now their owner is sitting in a stroller,    
   Now he has no legs and is completely disabled.      
                                          
9. A little boy bought a sledgehammer,       
   I nailed mom and dad to the wall,           
   Crucified as Satan ordered him,           
   The legs are at the top and the head is at the bottom.          
                                          
10. An uncle bought a rope at a hardware store,         
    And he strangled his mother-in-law with it.                
    When my wife came home from work,           
    All that was left of the fun was two whites.     
                                          
11. Little Vova became a gopnik,         
    I caught Nephora in the dark at night.           
    Doctors and cops arrived late -       
    Vova has come to grips with screws and screws.          
                                          
12. Bull Terrierthe owners haven't been here for three days        
                           fed,       
    And then they let me go outside for a walk.  
 When my wife came home from work,           
    All that was left of the fun was two whites.     
                                          
11. Little Vova became a gopnik,         
    I caught Nephora in the dark at night.           
    Doctors and cops arrived late -       
    Vova has come to grips with screws and screws.          
                                          
12. Bull terrier owners have not        
                           fed,       
    And then they let me go outside for a walk.  
    Now our area is completely deserted,      
    All local residents have this bull terrier  
                                     ate.
                                          
13. Little Vova played werewolf -    
    He scared his neighbors with his wild howl.       
    Petya the hunter loaded his gun,           
    He killed Vova with a silver bullet.           
                                          
------------------------------------------------DI:HALT