48 IRON0V. part 2. .H0VELLA
PART II.
Chapter 7.
Ultimatum.
...Parliamentarians GLAVN0G0 (DIZZY and B0LTUN) walked in the direction
cities of people. In his hands, DIZZY carried a waving white flag...
A strange building with a high iron fence appeared ahead,
which very much reminded B0LTUN of unpleasant moments from the past-
th... Some people were running around behind the fence, in the hands of many of them
Various weapons were visible. Here's one of them pointing at the other
the gun shouted: "Pah-pah! You're killed!"
“They are conducting training!” guessed DIZZY.
“Definitely a military base!” confirmed B0LTUN.
People behind the fence finally noticed the brave envoys...
-What a weirdo!..
-Hey, I know this one...I saw his photo in the newspaper! Mom says,
what does it say that he is a dangerous maniac who escaped from a mental hospital!
-And who is he?"maniac"?
-This is such a bad guy!..
-And they slipped that guy over there some freshwater instead of vodka!..
“How did you guess?!” DIZZY was surprised.
-My daddy got too drunk and turned green too...
-Sergeant DIZZY, ultimatum... - went to the official part
B0LTUN.
-Ulti...what? Uncle, what are you talking about? - the guys behind the fence didn’t understand.
-So listen, and don’t say that you haven’t heard...
ultimatum of the NATIONAL0-0SV0B0DITEL0Y ARMY OF THE PEOPLE'S DEM0K-
RATIC REPUBLIC OF WISDOM (see dictionary). All the people of the NDRM
unanimously signed this ultimatum! Still, who
did not sign up are declared enemies of the people and are automatically re-
go to the enemy's camp. The people of the NDRM demand:
1).Consider reality invalid.
2).0 cancel all laws of physics, chemistry and other natural
sciences, because they too often contradict the actions of the walkers.
3).Items required for walking heroes to complete games,
give to them unconditionally and free of charge.
4).Do not put the heroes of the walkers in prisons, drug dispensaries and mental hospitals.
hushki.
4.5).And to sobering-up stationstoo... (written between the lines in another
in hand).
5).Prohibit the consumption of eggs.
b).Prohibit the entry into the country of the malicious numba-yumbians, who
They eat grasshoppers.
7). 0 declare the NDRM a colony of Chukotka.
8).Count...
B0LTUN did not have time to finish. A shot rang out... Something strong
but it hit B0LTUN in the forehead... Bursting with a cry: “They killed me!”
B0LTUN fell... DIZZY threw a white flag, picked up B0LTUN, iso
forehead, which had a suction cup sticking out, and ran away from the strange
buildings with a high fence and a sign: "KINDERGARTEN" (see dictionary)
And the puzzled children looked after him for a long time, still not understanding...
Know what an "ultimatum" is...
Chapter 8.
"There is a people's war..."
...Before the commander-in-chief stood the green DIZZY and B0LTUN, with
wrapped head to toe in bandages (gangster atomic bomb-
he explained)... After listening to the report of his envoys, the CHIEF
decided to consider the warannounced. Now it's time to speak, before
push through with your soldiers...
-Soldiers! The damned oppressors rejected our ultimatum! Over-
thrown at our envoys! We extended the hand of friendship to them, and
they bit it off! Death to the scum! We will avenge them for their fallen comrades-
cabbage soup!
...Exactly at 15:17:54 from the gates of military base N○1 liberation
1st rifle regiment came out of the army... The helmets sparkled brightly in the sun,
heavy berdanks and sapper guns (and in the absence of such, garden guns)
the shoulder blades were dragging along the ground... The bright afternoon sun obscured
eyes then, roadside dust kicked up by many feet, not
allowed the unfortunate soldiers to breathe, who, moreover, by order
zu GLAVN0G0 put on gas masks...
Signalman DENZIL walked behind the formation, unwinding a bay of carts along the way.
raf cable...
General LIM0NKA, and in the absence of GLAVN0G0 he was the commander,
The CHIEF himself preferred to lead the battle from headquarters, asked
Sergeant DIZZY:
-Sergeant, what is the key point here?
-I think that building is over there, sir!..
“That’s what we’ll do!” decided LIM0NKA.
-Dig!..- he shoutedin a loud voice. -Gas masks are not
shoot!!!
...About an hour later a shallow trench stretched along the street
and the telegraph operator transmitted to the headquarters: “0K0FALLED point the ENEMY IS CARRYING 0GP0M-
NEW LOSS POINTS FOR TELEGRAM FROM YOU ST0 D0LLAP0V POINTS"
...Koldir Uncle V0VA went to the wine store for an evening hangover.
zin... Strange-looking devils dug some holes, just like
opposite the most important place in the world, the Center of the entire universe...
“Oh, you bastards!” roared the sorcerer, offended in his rays.
a buzz of feelings, joining his comrades attacking the impudent
devils...
“Sir, may I report?!” barked Sergeant DIZZY, clicking
kirzach heels.
-Report...
-Sir, we are being attacked by an advanced detachment of people!..
-Well, what do I have to do with it? What do you want from me?
-Orders, sir...
-What other order?
-Which is what you should give when the enemy attacks us...
-What order should I give when the enemy attacks???
Be clearer...
-0 issuance of front-line 100 grams, onthe whole regiment...
-Why is this still necessary?
-The fallen will not need a drink, and I can drink all the leftovers -
squeeze them...
LIM0NKA signed the order...
...Soldiers were sitting in the trench, from time to time they looked at
a crowd of advancing sorcerers... There was no order to shoot...
The soldiers began to worry... SMAG's nerves were the first to give way.
LEE. Taking careful aim, he fired a bullet... The bullet flew through
two meters from the intended target...
...Following the single shot, a hail of bullets rained down on the non-
private sorcerers. The accuracy of the hit did not often exceed that
accuracy of the first shot...
He fired up the machine gun... True, the plush sergeant who directed it
suffered from loss of orientation and was shooting a machine gun into the sky, and in
his part, opposite from the attacking sorcerers...
The sorcerers did not remain in debt, snatching empty containers from the shopping bags,
they began to fire at enemy positions with it... It’s really impossible
to say that the sorcerers shot more accurately than their opponents...
Telegram to army headquarters: “BLESSED BY THE TIMELY ORDER
GENERAL ZPT AS WELL AS COURAGE AND HEROISM ZPT PROVIDED
WITH OUR SOLDIERS ZPT OUR P0LK KICKED OUT THE ENEMY FROMSEVERAL KEYS
EXIT POINT POINT OPENED BY A MASSIVE BATHROOM OF THE ENEMY
ARTILLERY ZPT WE DEMAND 0 ANGER SUPPORT point FOR TELEGRAM WITH
YOU ARE A THOUSAND D0LLAP0V dot"
...SMAGLI was hit in the head by a bottle, which shattered
to pieces. What was wet and warm slowly flowed down the head of SMAG-
LI. ... "Blood!.." - he decided. The heroic grasshopper settled on
the ground... His cracked lips whispered: “I’m dying! 0th like
cold... My eyes are covered with a bloody fog... If I die, please
consider me the world heavyweight boxing champion...
Death is already taking me in its arms..."
The sorcerer Uncle V0VA crawled on his bellies... Not for nothing in intelligence
served! But on his way he came across a telegraph cable. Not bad
bad cable... You can drink it away... Uncle V0VA cut the cable and
crawled back, winding the cable into a coil along the way...
General LIM0NKA walked around the combat positions... He was lying on the ground
wet SMAGLI, still muttering something inaudibly. The smell of water
ki reached the general's nostrils...
-Hey, SMAGLY! Are you drunk?
“No way, sir!” SMAGLI barked, jumping up from the ground. -I'm dying-
heaven! I was mortally wounded... The blood is gushing out...
SMAGLY fell to the ground again. And the general, thinkingminutes five,
said:
-DIZZY, write... Give Private SMAGLI a medal “For Bravery!”
...Posthumously... Recorded? Well, let's move on...
DIZZY looked at the grasshopper with envy and inhaled the fumes again
vodka and trudged after the boss.
The sorcerers went hand-to-hand on all fronts... There was no communication.
Such, unfortunate soldiers already devoid of fighting spirit
they couldn’t carry it... The entire regiment, having abandoned the useless ammunition,
Qiyu, he ran away...
...SMAGLI, noticing that everyone was running away, begged: “Wait!
Take me with you!"
No effect... Not caring about the wound, SMAGLI jumped up and
overtook everyone else...
Chapter 9
THE CHIEF strikes back.
The CHIEF dealt with matters that any commander in chief would do
and must be engaged during the battle...
Our hero was sitting on a white horse (a painted IA conscript (see.
dictionary), his straight hand clutched a cavalry saber,left
he clutched the reins. His brave eyes were fixed on
far away, to where the battle rumbled... D0ZZI (see dictionary) drew
portrait of the great commander, and DYLAN (see dictionary) sang composed
according to the command of the commander-in-chief - "0DU GlavN0MU", accompaniment
playing the harmonica...
-0, MAIN - strategy genius!
Great and wise father!
If you enter the battlefield,
Your enemies will definitely end...
0, CHIEF great lawyer,
The people honor your laws!
And if you enter parliament,
0 tons of envy, ZHIRIK (see dictionary) will die!
-Not a bad song, perhaps I’ll order all the soldiers to learn it,
and sing on forced marches... Well, is the portrait ready?!
-Almost...
...At that moment, the soldiers of GLAVN0G0 appeared on the horizon, dr-
fighting with all their might... THE CHIEF thought for about five minutes and decided that
They probably lost the first battle...
SMAGLI lay on the stretcher and moaned. It was then that the LEAD approached him.NY...
-So this is the hero?
“Yes, sir!” DIZZY reported, handing the piece of paper to the commander-in-chief.
blowing -Here is the general’s order, written during the battle...
Glancing at the order with his eyes, the CHIEF exclaimed:
-But it’s written here: “posthumously”!...
“It’s not a problem!” DIZZY assured, taking out an army Colt.
SMAGLY jumped up from the stretcher and rushed away from these sadists.
The sadists themselves, noticing the disappearance of the victim, decided that he
probably died without their help...
“...And his soul flew off to heaven...” quoted the CHIEF.
Tears welled up in DIZZY's eyes.
-It’s not easy to say goodbye to comrades...
...The CHIEF stood at the podium. A fairly battered regiment, excited
started talking downstairs... But the CHIEF raised his tail in
sign of silence. LIM0NKA confirmed the order, valid for everyone
nerves, ticking. And when there was silence, the CHIEF said:
-So, guys, you lost heart?.. You think that we lost
battle?.. Bullshit! We won! (The soldiers frowned in bewilderment.
swore) Everything was exactly as it was planned (the wars murmured),
This was my brilliant plan! Plan... uh-uh...(loomingthreatening silence)... is to misinform the enemy!!! Te-
now they think we have a bad army! Underestimate the enemy -
lose the battle! (three times “hurray!”). For being so brilliant
plan, which was a complete success, I propose to promote me to the position of
ness...
-Commander-in-Chief, sir, but where higher?!
-From this moment on, I am the Generalisimos CHIEF! I propose to arrange
on this occasion there will be a banquet for officers... (three cheers from the
officers' ranks).
-Sir, will there be strong drinks there?!. - clarified, you know who.
-Of course!..
DIZZY shouted hurray all the way to the banquet...
...In the morning, growing up after the banquet, the CHIEF felt fear-
I had a terrible headache... I urgently needed to get over my hangover. But how
and it was to be expected that the alcohol reserves were destroyed...
“Damn!..” the newly minted generalissimo swore. - Write DIZZY
order: "Urgently capture the key point lost yesterday."
The poor sorcerers did not expect such a fierce attack, however
and the attacking units of the army GLAVN0G0... A strong wind blowing from
very morning, literally carried away the light soldiers, moreover, deprived
ammunition (lost during the flight), straight to the drinking establishment...
FirstLIM0NKA flew in there...
“L-lie down, .. gr-gr-anata...” muttered one sorcerer.
-Where? Y-yes there are five of them there!” answered the other.
“Guys, shouldn’t we run away?” asked the most sober of them.
“Wh-where-yes?” asked the drunkest one, raising his head from
puddles.
-To another pub, where all sorts of grenades don’t fly... But all sorts of
“Eggs don’t drink my vodka...,” noted the sorcerer-victim of DIZZY.
-No! “I feel good here too...” answered the other, still happy.
full of life.
-And yours too, by the way...
-Get the hell out of this vile establishment!..
...By midday the MANAGER was informed that the task had been completed...
Chapter X.
The last battle (see dictionary)
...The CHIEF, to celebrate, awarded all the soldiers with medals...
And after... What happened next, it’s better for you not to know... You or the mind-
you'll drool with envy, or turn away from the screen with
disgust, hating me and my short stories... In both
in another case,I'm losing an audience that already doesn't know
where to go from my stupid jokes, that’s why I’m describing these
I probably won’t do a scene...
...This day was often later dreamed of by the MAIN in nightmares...
...Bottles clinked... glasses clinked... the whole army MAIN0G0,
led by the Generalissimo himself, methodically got drunk, and to
At the end of the day it was impossible to find a sober soldier. Of course, half
vodka warehouses, how can you resist here?!.
Drunk soldiers caused a riot in the neighborhood next to the liquor store.
houses... Enraged residents attacked the H0A regiment...
A decisive battle ensued... As a result, the entire army of MAIN0G0 was captured
they were sent to the bullpen (see dictionary) for petty hooliganism... Many years
MAIN0G0's work failed in one day...
Epilogue.
...After the great cause of MAIN0G0 failed. All
back to normal.
GLAVN0G0 himself, for failure to complete the mission, the Chukotka command-
Dovanie referred to an extremely dangerous and impossible task in
America, the people there, were not so gullible...
DIZZY has startedanother binge (what exactly is said?
I can’t say, while doing the calculations, smoke came out of my calculator and
the message “You yourself, idiot, multiply infinity by infinity” appeared.
nonsense!"
WINNIE THE POOH was sent to prison, but that's another story
(read the short story "The Great All-Fattening..." (see dictionary)).
SMAGLI decided to investigate the dark affairs of GlavN0G0.
Read about his adventures in the short story “SMAGLI is on the trail”
(see dictionary).
IA got a job at the zoo as Prezhevalsky's horse.
“What about the residents of town N?” - you ask. And the residents of city N, and
they didn’t find out that the CHIEF declared war on them...
THE END.
──────────────────────────────── ────────────────────────────────
┌────────────────────────┐
│ TOLK0Y DICTIONARY AK-47.│
│(first edition) │
└────────────────────────┘
B0LTUN-iron, bacteriological weapon of the Chukotka strategic
sky command. Carries verbal diarrhea virus, equipped
Dahl dictionary and random number generator. Later became the most
famous philosopher of Chukotka and NDRM.
THE GREAT ALL-GOBUTTER - novella AK-47, at this point, not yet
exists. But I'll write soon. Read!
WINNIE THE POOH - a bear, swollen with fat, constantly eats, instead of
brain sawdust (no comments needed).
V0LLI - crazy lunatic, no detailed description in the dictionary
worthy
MAIN - iron with brains on one side, mounted in the back
spring, one of the main advantages is being able to read Chukotka
ki (assembled in Chukotka (see Chukchi))
G0P0D N is a city in NDRM, where the above events took place,
location and base see NDPM.
KINDERGARTEN (from the words of children to plant) - a place of imprisonment
young criminals. It is an angular house,
of uncertain design, surrounded by a high fence. Nadzi-
rateli (who for some reasoncalled educators) monitor
maintaining order and preventing escape from D.S.
DIZZY - a sleepy egg, dressed like Mike Tyson. Hero of the people
epic NDRM.
DIZZIN GRANDFATHER - participant in the Battle of Kulikovo and all other warriors
three times the egg of the Soviet Union, has awards “for cowardice” (especially
new from the enemy army). Hears poorly, sees poorly, poorly
He says he lost both legs and both arms in the war.
DYLAN - another egg, cousin of DIZZY, loves to play the labial
accordion, and on the nerves of others.
D0ZZY-egg, friend DIZZY (well, these eggs got me!) So that from-
mow down from the battle pretended to be an artist, painted an abstraction
portrait of GLAVN0G0, who later sold it for $1,000,000.
D0PI - female egg, loves to cook. INFORMATION FOR
inquiries: if you poured even the most harmless concoction D0PI
Flowers... you can forget about them FOREVER!
DAISY is a female egg, DIZZY's girlfriend. Blizzard of the poor
the hero of the epic whenever and with anything.
DENSIL is the great designer and inventor of the NDPM. Invented:
spatial bubbler, subatomic toaster, ion-kinetic
chelic iron, plasma-metagalactic page turner
NIC books, photon hanger andetc., however the most outstanding
his discovery was and remains quark-dipolarization moonshine
nal apparatus.
ZHIRIK is the head of the LDPP faction, he is distinguished by his violent temperament,
even destroyed 0LEGA P0P0VA (in fact, this property was hinted at -
et DYLAN, with irony).
ZAZ (Zaporozhye Automobile Plant) - automobile enterprise-
tie in Ukraine, cars worse than ZAZ are produced only by NUFST (Num-
ba-Yumbiyskaya Firm of Fabricated Freight Locomotives), and ChZPM00 (Chukots-
cue Plant for the Production of Mechanical 0leshki, 0however)
Eeyore is a donkey, a friend of WINNIE THE POOH and the late PYAT0CHKA. Favorite
occupation of making fun of others, in the face IA received cha-
more than VINNIE ate honey.
PRELIMINARY CLOSURE CHAMBER (PPC) - the place where the main
G0 and his friends were sent into exile for 15 days for political
beliefs.
LIM0NKA - another iron, filled with TNT, built-in fuse from
nuclear bomb, as well as a subspatial materializer.
MESH0CHEK is a hollow iron, has no brains. Is transport
unit of the Chukchi army. 0t has nothing to do, usually jumps around.
PEOPLE'S DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF WISDOM (NDRM) -republic-
Lika, named after the bulkpopulation (eP).
Located who knows where, founded who knows when. Where
the devil who knows all this, no one knows...
NATIONAL 0-0 SV0B0DITEL ARMY NPM - army organized
Chukotka provocateur - MAIN in 1997 Recruited from indigenous
residents of NDRM. Suffered a crushing defeat.
THE LAST BATTLE is a game on SPESSY, pretty cool.
PYATACH0K is a pig who has fallen into childhood, a friend of WINNIE THE POOH. Favorite
entertainment - giving DIZZIN0G0 GRANDFATHER a heart attack with his air
stuffy balls. Shot once in my life - how long after
History is silent about the fact that WINNIE THE POOH beat him.
SEYMOUR is the people's director of the NDRM, winner of a 0 Oscar (on the head), and
as well as a number of rotten fruits... His films consistently hold per-
HIGH PLACES IN THE NOMINATIONS: dumbest, most boring, most un-
popular, most unscrupulous, etc..
SMAGLI is a healthy grasshopper, his idol is DIZZY, so he always
popular, the most unscrupulous, etc.
SMAGLI is a healthy grasshopper, his idol is DIZZY, so he always
and in everything, he squints at this egg.
SMAGLI FOLLOWS 0 - the novel AK-47, at this moment, has not yet
exists. But I'll write soon. Read!
S0P0K V0SEVYUG0V - secret operationChukotka intelligence, according to
seizing power in the galaxy.
CHUKCHI - a northern people, has no written language, they are mowed under
fools, but have grandiose plans - power over the galaxy, with
For the purpose of sabotage, they send specially prepared irons-dive-
rsants (48 saboteur irons have already been created). The earth is in danger!
Deer will be bred in the Sahara...
──────────────────────────────── ────────────────────────────────
Author: AK-47.
N.Tagil.199bg.
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Cool!!! AK-47 is just a monster!!! Write such a story!!!
0well written, ANDY and I laughed for a long time while reading it!!!
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