48 IRON0V. part 1. .H0VELLA
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│ 48 Irons.│
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Stirlitz was walking down the street, in the window
second floor, he saw "48
irons" ... "The turnout is failed!" -
thought Stirlitz - "Four
There aren't enough irons!.."
(Anecdote. Ancient Greece.
523 BC)
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CONTENTS.
Contents .....................................here
Part I
Chapter 1. THE CHIEF declares war ................ just below
Chapter 2. THE CHIEF saves his General Staff ......... below
Chapter 3.THE CHIEF organizes a summer call....... even lower
Chapter 4. Medical examination .............................. rather low
Chapter 5. “Hard in training, easy in battle” .......... very low
Chapter b. "The armor is strong, and our tanks are fast" ..... even low
Part II.
Chapter 7. Ultimatum ......................... very low
Chapter 8. "There is a people's war..." ............... below low
Chapter 9. THE CHIEF strikes back .......... oh, how low
Chapter X. The Last Battle (see dictionary) .......... below chapter 8
Epilogue ..................................... terribly low
Explanatory dictionary AK-47 (ed. 1) ................. below all
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PART I.
Chapter 1.
THE CHIEF declares war.
THE CHIEF (see dictionary at the end of the article) banged his head against the wall,
so hetried to straighten the vile gyrus that had
the audacity to bend... MESH0CHEK (see dictionary) galloped nearby,
trying to catch my tail... The wall broke through. MAIN sense
acted - the gyrus straightened... Now that everything is normal,
you might think...
-Well, what are we going to do? - the Chief asked himself a question out loud, so
He didn’t know how to think otherwise.
-No, you can’t do without instructions here!
THE CHIEF lured the BAG and pulled out a standard reinforced concrete
slab with cuneiform...
-Yeah!... so... wow... yes I... wow... These bastards
people are oppressing our people, that means!.. DIZZY (see dictionary) in drugs
the dispensary was imprisoned, they are coded for alcohol!.. Horror! WINNIE THE POOH (see.
dictionary) - they forced me to do shaping!.. Bastards! V0LLI (see
dictionary) They put him in a mental hospital, they say he’s a sleepwalker!.. Tyrants!
SEYMOUR (see dictionary), the great SEYMOUR, was bombarded with rotten
Dorami!.. Pigs, uneducated! SMAGLI (see dictionary) a little dad-
the aces didn't eat them! I didn’t even know that they eat grasshoppers...
LIM0NKA (see dictionary), sweet, kind LIM0NKA, was put in prison!
Tyrants and tyrants! And the devil knows where B0LTUN is (see dictionary)...
Me, GLAVN0G0, on charges of espionage, KGB, CIA and MASSAD
looking for! That's it,My patience has run out! I declare war on them
Well!.. So, where do wars start? I should go to the library
see relevant literature...
At the door of the Central (and only) Library of the provincial
city N, a strange structure jumped in, from the entrance of the structure
screamed: “Get down, bomb!” Few clients have library
They immediately found urgent matters at home...
THE CHIEF, and it was he who was the constitution, galloped to the counter and
asked straight away:
-Do you have a manual for aspiring great commanders?
-Are you enrolled in the library?
-I wasn’t joking about the bomb!..
After about half an hour, aimlessly climbing the shelves, priceless
A new volume was found, albeit in German and dated 1815
publications...
-Don’t you have the same thing, but in Chukchi (see dictionary) cuneiform?
The librarian fainted...
A week later, the reindeer messenger delivered the necessary book to Chukotka.
com edition...
-Cool book! - the CHIEF admired. - So how should you start?
war? Let's read: "1).get the commander in chief." So... How so
should we get it?.. And...THE CHIEF began to sing, which greatly annoyed even himself...
-So, I got the commander-in-chief!.. And I got him specifically...
(here he threw out all that had accumulated during the “wonderful singing”,
anger...)
-My poor head! (don't get me wrong, MAIN0G0 has everything
one head...). Still, it wasn’t worth hitting with a sledgehammer! Well, okay,
let's continue... Yeah, here it is: "2).find the general (the main criterion, one-
However, in the selection - the loudness of the yelling) "... You yourself are the criteria! Hmmm!
Who will we appoint as general? 0, there is an idea... In general, that's it...
what's the idea? Don't know! Who should I appoint?! DIZZY?.. No, army
he'll drink it! SEYMOUR?.. It’s not worth it, I know him, he’s a farce from the war
will suit! Aaah! LIM0NKA! Let the brains be blown out by the first explosion,
even if he doesn’t listen, he doesn’t know how not to speak, but he yells like when...
yes it explodes! A born general! So, what's next?
"3).find a diplomat (a diplomat is not such a suitcase, but such
person), so that if anything is agreed upon, however, on the terms of delivery
"Hey, I know who to appoint as a diplomat! B0LTUNA...
0n will load them up so much.. smoke will pour out of the ears!.. "4).When it’s supposed to-
However, these distributions can be made and the company can begin..."
Chapter 2.The CHIEF saves his General Staff.
THE CHIEF, his epaulets shining in the sun, galloped along the main street
Tse... At the NDRM military warehouse, he stole the fuse from a nuclear bomb.
-Aha, here is the main (and only) prison!..
...The iron jumped up to the warden:
-I am LIM0NKI's lawyer! Why did you put him in prison? After all, he is absolutely
harmless!
-Article 48 of the criminal code of the NDRM - “Damage and arson of private
and state property."
-Yes, but he was just walking peacefully in the park!
-Yeah, he was walking... Only at the same time, he had a tendency to not-
periodically explode and materialize again... And where
is this park now? There remains a scorched crater!..
-It happened by accident! No one was hurt...
-This is exactly what happened by accident...
-For the first time you can forgive!..
-Okay, how about a peaceful walk through the gas station?..
-There is no sign: “NO SMOKING!”
-No longer... What about...
- Enough, enough! Listen to you, so my clienta quarter of the city
yes it blew up...
-To be precise, then 0.21!
-Can I see him?..
-Of course!
...The sight that appeared before the CHIEF when the doors opened
cameras met his expectations - the fuse was pulled out of LIM0NKI...
The CHIEF did not waste time - he quickly inserted the
fell in LIM0NKU...
...The head of the prison was very surprised when he noticed how the lawyer
escapes from prison at supernatural speed...
...Newspaper headlines the next day read:
"Look out the window! Where is the prison?!"
And the MAIN, meanwhile, found B0LTUN... the unfortunate philosopher
I was sitting in a psychiatric hospital, next to V0LLI. Ten leading psychiatrists
sweated, puffed, but from the entire depth of the perverted psyche of B0LTUN,
couldn't understand...
...An iron in a white robe jumped into the room. The professor is surprised
but they closed their eyes...
Iron in a robe? Cuckoo! I am Napoleon Bonaparte! Damn job...
“Whoever you mess with, that’s how you’ll gain!” Iron-doctor-meresh-
here!.. Wow! No, I’ll go, out of harm’s way!..- Hello! Yaa is the CHIEF professor of New Kamchatka research
douvatelsky institute r-azuma and parapsychologischen...
Is the iron talking? Iron is a professor? La-la-la!... Ku-ka-river! I'm Guy
Julius Caesar! Maa-a-maa-a!!!
The professors quickly disappeared. Each of them feared that
the foreigner came precisely for him... There was only one left in the ward,
why does the nurse not understand. 0 fluttered her luxurious eyelashes,
and thought: is it worth marrying this foreigner...
-What do you say your name is, sir? - she asked. And from which
are you countries?
-My name is GLAUNY, I’m from Chukotka, ...however...
“Ah-ah!” The nurse immediately lost all interest. “...I see!”
-Sister, bring the Pimeson bi-molecular polarizer!
-Uh-uh...
-And no - “Eh!” I know it's hard. Take assistants!..Or
(here MAIN0G0's eyes narrowed)... you don't know what Pimezon is -
bi-molecular polarizer?.. Chapter b, point 4 - inconsistency
meeting job requirements...
-I know, I know! This is such a thing... uh-uh... well, in general...
The frightened sister disappeared behind the door of the ward... MAIN quick-
I quickly unwound B0LTUN's straitjacket, the gag, however,get it before he becomes... 0promptly rescuing V0LLI, great
The commander hurried to leave the clinic...
Chapter 3.
THE CHIEF organizes a summer call.
...-they put us in prisons, drug dispensaries and psychiatric hospitals...
-...And to the sobering-up stations!.. - added DIZZY, who managed to escape
from the dispensary.
-But their most important crime is that they live in real
world! Let's not let black tentacles spread across our world
reality!.. (enthusiastic applause). Sign up for our
army! (much less enthusiastic and stormy applause).Today-
Nya the summer call begins! (very, very thin claps).
Everyone undergo a medical examination! Everyone is welcome between the ages of 18 and
50 years! (only DIZZIN GRANDFATHER claps in the audience (see dictionary)
But no, absolutely everyone is called upon... (deafening silence
gives way to a whistle and a hail of rotten fruit, SEYMOUR sighs, with
envy - he had never even dreamed of such success).
For disobedience - execution, we have martial law!..
(the noise died down when the general jumped onto the podium menacingly)Medical examination today from 17○○. I have everything!
-And I have a question! - WINNIE THE POOH brazenly interrupted. - Feed in the army
will they?..
- And the front-line 100 grams?.. - DIZZY perked up...
...The CHIEF concentratedly read the “medical examination” section. B0LTUN
recruited volunteers. LIM0NKA was engaged in
ammunition fight...
B0LTUN returned an hour later, DIZZY0 volunteered (he B0L-
TOON handed a bottle) and WINNIE THE POOH received a can of condensed milk...
LIM0NKA, half an hour later, secured a large batch of helmets.
Afterwards, our heroes started campaigning... On the photo poster was
depicts DIZZY, in a budenovka, his hand (in theory, it should indicate-
call to the viewer) was clenched in a familiar gesture (is there vodka?),
And the eyes huddled together... The banal inscription on the poster read:
"AND YOU, HAVE SIGNED UP AS A LIER?"
Chapter 4.
MEDK0MISSION.
17○○... The “conscripts” reluctantly walked into the headquarters courtyard....SEYMOUR entered the office... At the table, among the surgical
tools (chainsaw, hunting knife, chopping ax)
ka, ticks, etc.) sat DIZZY, if SEYMOUR tried
follow his pupils, his head would definitely spin
las.
-I am h-khirg! What are we complaining about?
SEYMOUR, naturally, did not want to join the army...
“Yes, there’s something stabbing in my side!” he said, hoping for no
doctor's competence.
-Vsk-the-cover will show!- DIZZY, grabbing the dagger, climbed through
table - Why the hell is the floor so uneven?! But despite this,
my hand will not tremble!..
Then he showed SEYMOUR his hand... the hand galloped like a horse
Budenova...
-Hmm, strange, why do I have nine arms?! There were two...or three...
I certainly don’t remember... Which one of them should I do? Surely
but still third from the left... This one... One, two, three... Aha! Hey
where?! Well, screw you, ..I’ll do this!..
“That’s it, it’s already passed!..” SEYMOUR screamed.
-It’s too late to retreat, and there’s nowhere to go!.. You know what? Come on, I'll get you
I’d rather operate with a chainsaw?!.
...Fromdoors, with the inscription "SURGEON", jumped out as if scalded,
SEYMOUR. “I’m going as a volunteer! I’m going as a volunteer!” he shouted...
...SMAGLI entered the office of the ear, nose and throat specialist. In his personal
In fact, there were only “healthy” ones, and this was his last chance...
At the table, in a doctor's robe, sat the CHIEF. SMAGLI'S heart sank
- there was no chance...
On the opposite wall, the entire area was occupied by a giant letter
"A". THE CHIEF pointed his pointer at her.
-What letter is this?
- "0", it seems...
-That's right! Your vision is excellent!
-But...
-No “buts”! Smell what's in this jar?
It smelled bad, very bad... Then SMAGLI remembered where
they took urine and feces tests... It was here...And DYLAN (see dictionary)
I donated feces, in the same jar...
-Ugh, shit!..
-Exactly! 0but the most!.. Well done, your sense of smell did not disappoint! But the throat is not
does it hurt?
-It hurts, and how it hurts!!!
-Well then, I’ll prescribe you potassium cyanide and arsenic...
-And from the throatwill it help?
- It will help a lot if you lubricate the wounds with snake venom!
-Write “healthy”, you bastard!..
...DIZZIN GRANDFATHER entered the office, with the inscription "THERAPIST".
“Come in, come in!” WINNIE THE POOH rejoiced, lifting the medical
cap, above eye level.
-What are we complaining about?..
-What-what?!. What am I complaining about?! (gets medical supplies)
bookkeeper and glasses, reads for the next 2 hours.)
-Mmmm...yes! - scratching his chin, VINNIE examined the shelves, empty
with bottles of medicine (our doctor was looking for sweet
potion, but it broke off).-There’s nothing to write out!..Maybe...No!...
Uh-uh...Yeah! We'll listen to you now! (takes out a stethoscope, ver-
tits him) Well, where is he going?..So?..No!..So?..No too!..(Py-
tries to stick it into the socket) And the current has run out! (pokes it in his eyes) Vi-
zero visibility!.. They could have warned in the weather forecast!
Well, God bless him!.. (throws over his shoulder) Let’s listen without this
crap... (approaches GRANDFATHER, listening) How are these doctors?
are they doing?.. Breathe...Don't breathe...Not breathing yet, yet...And now
breathe!..I said, breathe! Deaf, or what? Oh, definitely deaf.
(takes out a megaphone and yells) Breathe, you creeping bastard!.. You don’t belong with me,
you to the intensive care unit...DYLAN was shoved into the dentist's office and locked behind him
door, behind the door DYLAN was waiting for LIM0NKA with an electric drill, jumping-
standing on the spot with impatience... DYLAN tore down the door and rushed behind-
sign up as a volunteer...
...the door opened, and V0LLI appeared on the threshold.
-Come in! Who else are you? - asked B0LTUN the neuropsychiatrist. -Wait
don’t tell me, I’ll try to guess...Napoleon?..No?!.Caesar?..No?..
Lenin?..0five no?!.Washington? Kohl? Ho She Minh?..No too?! Si-
nice beard? Captain Blood? Batman?...And not these?!. Well, you finished me
tal!..Who are you?..V0LLY?! Who is this anyway?! Are you V0LLY? Don't be funny!
Before you there were only Bonapartes and Roosevelts!.. For example...
Let's get down to business, you say? OK! What are we complaining about? On the lu-
natism? Let's test my nerves... Here it is - my hammer... (takes out
healthy sledgehammer) Cross your legs! What?! I remembered that
Have you already recovered from sleepwalking? Sclerosis means! Just for pro-
I need to go to preventative treatment for the head once!.. Stop! Where?!.
...As a result of the summer conscription, the CHIEF called under his banners
regiment of brave residents of the NDRM.
Chapter 5.
"It's hard inexercises - easy in battle! "
...Before the formation, the new recruits jumped up and down
read the "learning" chapter.
-Well, newbies, now you have to undergo training... Here are your
instructors - Sergeant DIZZY and General LIM0NKA!
Shooting range... Sergeant DIZZY, with an unsteady hand, points, extracts-
with great difficulty, I shoot at the target... A trembling hand on-
pulls the trigger... The bullet missed the target by about 90 degrees...
The target, however, shatters into pieces... Moreover, an impression is created
belief that the sergeant fired from a bazooka, and not from an old reed-
nki... somewhere, from the side of the exploded target, Ge-
neral The sergeant looks around the line of recruits with a contemptuous look.
house.
-Well, who wants to try first?!.
There were no takers...
-Well, okay! Then it will go...it will go...SEYMOUR...
The unfortunate recruit trudged towards the rifle. Charged it, he mi-
about ten... I brought in fifteen more... At the same time, the rest
Recruits and instructors preferred to hide in the trenches...
A shot rang out (or an explosion?) Smoky SEYMUR stood at the berm.
dunks with a torn barrel... Ba brand new target, for sure
in the Center, a round hole was visible...
“I got it...” SEYMUR managed to mutter before the instructor
attacked him with fists...
They “run” across a field covered with a layer of liquid mud (in theory they should
women run, in fact, the fastest of them would have given way to the first
supremacy even to a turtle) about three dozen, tortured, dirty new-
backpack... SMAGLI, adjusting his helmet, looked around, saw the instructors
the lickiness is not visible - you can try to desert...
The grasshopper darted into the bushes... In the bushes stood Sergeant WINNIE THE POOH, with
with a light machine gun in his hands... The grasshopper darted back into line...
... PYATACH0K (see dictionary) could barely cope - of course, it would be on you
loaded a huge and useless helmet, gas mask, Berdanka,
ammunition, rations, etc. At the same time, on small paws poro-
Senka put on size 45 tarpaulin boots... "We need to get away, oh,
must!"
WINNIE THE POOH sat in the bushes and finished his packed lunch, order GlavN0G0
was laconic and simple - to solve all the deserters!.. When
VINNIE inquired what these “desu-i-rtirs” were, the CHIEF, almost
you without assault, explained that this is everyone who is washed away
from the exercises...
PIGLE jumped into the bushes, dropped a heavyammunition, and bro-
ran away...
-Stop, duzerter! I will shoot! - stated a firm voice.
It cannot be said that PIGLE’s soul has sunk into his heels. There she
was constantly melting. But the brave warrior's legs gave way...
-I s-surrender to captivity! Just have mercy!!!
-There was an order to kill all the deserters, like... Who?
Reminds me of this duzerter?..
-WINNIE - it’s me - PITTACHEK!
-No! - the bear snapped in a firm voice.
Kirovanny under PITACHKA! Better pray!
-VIN-NIII!..
The silence was broken by a machine gun burst... More from the training ground, no
no one ran away...
...-A soldier must be able to do absolutely everything! - he said edifyingly
DIZZY, unscrewing the general LIM0NKU screwdriver, which served as a
a nice guide to sapper work. -... Even neutralize
bombs... The main thing here is to guess the wiring... (DIZZY stopped short, from
the belly of the unscrewed LIM0NKI, about three dozen wires were sticking out...)
Mother...
... 0n, I still cut the wire... There was a loud explosion...
When the thick smoke cleared, the testthere was a playground
empty... Half an hour later they found DIZZY - he was hanging on a birch tree, 10 km away
from the landfill...
- Well, I didn’t guess!.. Who doesn’t it happen to?!.
...Before the future nurses stood B0LTUN, his MAIN
instructed to provide instructions on medicine. B0LTUN heard this word
for the first time...
- Uh-uh... - B0LTUN began. - So... Well, in general, this is... who
will tell me what medicine is?..
-Medicine?..- asked DAISY (see dictionary). -Well, this is when
the wounded are being treated...
-Ah! Now it’s clear... In short, when a soldier is wounded, he needs
urgently amputate a wounded limb...
-What if you get hit in the head?
- Amputate the head...
-What about the body?
-It’s better to finish it off right away so you don’t have to suffer... Then a fresh wound
filled with iodine. If he screams a lot, use anesthesia...
And here is a list of the basic nurse kit, write:
1).The nurse herself ........................... 1 pc.
2).Chainsaw (for amputation) .................... 1 pc.
3).Sledgehammer (anesthesia) .............................. 1pcs.
4).Iodine (minimum) ............................... 10 l.
5).Earplugs ........................ 2 packs.
b).Pistol (to finish off the hopeless) ............. 1 pc.
7).Bullets (enough for the whole regiment) ............ a lot
Chapter b.
"The armor is strong, and our tanks are fast."
The CHIEF read the section "Armored vehicles." The section read:
"However, a white man, when he fights, uses a large
deer, without horns. The color of this little dee, however, is like a sunset, but
only green. Strong skin, big eyes, usually male."
...The CHIEF spent a long time looking for a tank that could be bought at
money allocated by the Chukotka command to help the fraternal
people...
The only tank that could still be bought for
such pennies, had just the right Color (though slightly light green),
on its rusty front end hung a ZAZ badge (see dictionary), and
The repairs that this tank was in dire need of confused even the optician.
mystical MAIN0G0...
...the bottom of the egg soldiers - DENZIL, was quite goodmechanic...
-So.., the wing needs to be cooked,... ahem... the wheels need to be changed,...
oh, damn it!.. The gas tank is broken...you also need to weld it...the paint is all
peeled... And what idiot brought the exhaust pipe inside the cabin?
It's easier to blow this jalopy to hell... Okay, I'll get it-
Let's get some paint, and you get to work...
...When DENZIL returned with a bucket of khaki paint, the work
was seething with might and main. DAISY and D0PI were cooking a wing in a large saucepan.
The wheels were changed... to Belazov ones... But the funny thing is
(or not so much?) was that tipsy DIZZY, like
once at this very moment, I brought it to the broken gas tank and turned on the
certified autogen...
“Noooooo!!!” DENZIL managed to shout in a voice that was not his own, the same
where there was an explosion... The boiled wing knocked DENZIL off his feet...
Unharmed, only slightly smoked, DIZZY stubbornly reached out
the autogen switch to the place where just a couple of seconds ago you were
a car was driving... Even more sooty DAISY and D0PI, grinning predatorily
teeth approached DIZZY... but DENZIL got ahead of them... For a long time
on its rusty front end hung a "ZAZ" label (see dictionary), and
The repairs that this tank was in dire need of confused even the optician.
mystical MAIN0G0...
...the bottom of the egg soldiers - DENZIL, was quite goodmechanic...
-So.., the wing needs to be cooked,... ahem... the wheels need to be changed,...
oh, damn it!.. The gas tank is broken...you also need to weld it...the paint is all
peeled... And what idiot brought the exhaust pipe inside the cabin?
It's easier to blow this jalopy to hell... Okay, I'll get it-
Let's get some paint, and you get to work...
...When DENZIL returned with a bucket of khaki paint, the work
was seething with might and main. DAISY and D0PI were cooking a wing in a large saucepan.
The wheels were changed... to Belazov ones... But the funny thing is
(or not so much?) was that tipsy DIZZY, like
once at this very moment, I brought it to the broken gas tank and turned on the
certified autogen...
“Noooooo!!!” DENZIL managed to shout in a voice that was not his own, the same
where there was an explosion... The boiled wing knocked DENZIL off his feet...
Unharmed, only slightly smoked, DIZZY stubbornly reached out
the autogen switch to the place where just a couple of seconds ago you were
a car was driving... Even more sooty DAISY and D0PI, grinning predatorily
teeth approached DIZZY... but DENZIL got ahead of them... For a long time
then DIZZY washed off the khaki paint...
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