And they got "Star Heritage" too... .H0VELLA
┼──────────────────┼
│STAR LEGACY.│
┼──────────────────┼
PART 1.
...Secret agent "V0ENN0G0 C0VETA CENTRAL0G0 S0USA
HUMAN KLOYS " -" FEARLESS" pressed the gas pedal,
of his starship, brand "V0ST0K-2215", all the way. I've already left
the fifth hour, when a harmful arthrang fighter landed on his tail...
"UNDEARABLE." laid a loop and tried onboard
flash the artrang with a laser, but he turned out to be more agile - he managed to
gain altitude and dive onto the agent's ship...
"MAIN ENGINE DAMAGED!" - Issued by the on-board computer.
"IT IS RECOMMENDED TO END YOUR LIFE BY SUICIDE!"
"NEUSTRASHIM0G0" was not embarrassed by the computer's gloomy forecasts; it
took out a box of discs, selected one and inserted it into the disco
water The inscription on the disc indicated that this disc was co-
runs a ship auto repair program...
"NO DISK!" -The computer responded to a key press.
-Ugh, damn it! - “NEUSTASHIYY” swore, taking out a universal
tool for repairing Russian electronics (sledgehammer)...
After the first hit the computer issued:
"EVERYTHING! I SEE THE DISC!"
After the second it produced:
"ENOUGH, I'M COUNTING ALREADY!"
After the third:
"STOP IT! I ALREADY COUNTED!"
When "NEUSTASTHELIY" turned away to put the sledgehammer on
place, a hand appeared on the display, clenched in an indecent
gesture and inscription:
“I THOUGHT, BUT I DID NOT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!”
When "UNDEARABLE" turned around, the display was pristine
clean...
... Artang pursued the half-killed earthling. Damn it!
fried elk...
... In the current hopeless situation, "NEUSTRASHIMYY" went
along the only right path... 0n opened the window and threw it in
the approaching ship Artrang Limonku... An explosion was heard...
Now the artrang ship "S0YUZ -2245" looked no better than the developed
lovers "NEUSTRASHIM0G0", andhis flight computer famously sang Inter-
national... Artrang didn’t have a sledgehammer...
... In emergency mode, both ships were approaching a nearby
planet...
"NEUSTRASHIMYY" sat at the control panel and squeezed the last out of the ship
remaining energy. There was a catastrophic lack of energy...
"Can't make it!" - "NEUSTASHINY" soon realized... 0courageous
people, even in the most dangerous moments, do not lose courage and determination
presence of spirit. It was precisely these people that “NEUSTRASHIMYY” belonged to.
he drank arsenic, stood on a stool, stuck his head in the noose,
mentally said goodbye with tears to the only person who
loved (with himself) and inserted the barrel of a blaster into his mouth...
...An unexpected thought (a rare occurrence) saved the great
agent of all times and peoples (naturally after Stirlitz)
life... Our resourceful agent connected a battery to the engine
computer torus and pocket watch battery...
...Luck was on the side of the fearless hero...
pulled...
...The elastic cocoon of the emergency landing dug heavily into the body.
At first, "NEUSTRASHIMYY" believed that cocoons were invented by a peripatetic
psycho sadomasachist, but after 358 falls, he was firmly
I'm sure it's interstellarcommand punishes in this way
careless pilots for the loss of the ship...
And so, having left the cocoon "NEUSTRASHIMY" I tried to activate
get a computer...
Oddly enough, the monitor screen lit up and the computer
issued:
"GET TO WORK G0T0V!"
"WHERE AM I?" - he quickly typed, surprised, “UNDEARABLE.”
"AND THE HELL KNOWS!"
The disappointed agent tried to write something philosophical:
"KT0 Me?"
Oddly enough, the computer gave a fairly accurate definition:
"THE DRINKED PSYCHO, THE SLEDGEHAMMER K0T0P0G0 FALLED DURING THE SOFT TIME
LOOK!”
"0, God! The sledgehammer broke?! My favorite sledgehammer?!"
The truth that was revealed to "UNDEAR0M" was terrible... And even com-
Pewter, brazenly using the helpless position of our hero,
showed an insolent face on the screen, sticking its tongue out at him...
It was already too much... From that moment in life, "NEUTRASHI-
M0G0" had one Goal: "FIND THE SledgeHAMMER AND SHOOT THIS DAMNED
COMPUTER!"...
"It's time to get ready for the road. So,What should you take with you first?
A traverser to survive on an unfamiliar planet? Let's make a list: "
┌───────────────────────── ─────────────────────────┐
│ │
│ LIST OF IKSPIDITSI0NAVA PROPERTY. │
│ │
│ Code name: "Sledgehammer". │
│ Goal: SEARCH FOR THE SLEDGEHAMMER. │
│ Posted: “UNDEARABLE.” │
│ Sleeve: “UNDEARABLE.” │
│ Zoveril: “UNDEARABLE.” │
│ │
│ 1). Cards of 1 deck │
│ 2). All alcohol is available │
│ 3). Galava 1 pc. │
│ 4). Hand 2 pcs. │
│ 5). Naga 2 pcs. │
│ b). 0table 1 pc. │
│ │
│ │
││
└───────────────────────── ─────────────────────────┘
"... Aha! Now that the list is compiled in 5 forms, 10
copies (accurate execution of all instructions is the most important
agent quality), you can go... Stop! What a moron!!! Almost
I forgot to drink on the way! ...And how lightning didn’t keep me in my place-
beat?!"
..."NEUSTASHEIMYY" slowly trudged through the swamp...Into his head
a brilliant discovery came:
"...Why do all animals walk on four legs, but man only
on two... Something is wrong here! Which one of them is wrong?! Yes,
humans are not adapted to survive in the wild! Animals
it’s better to know how to walk!.. Brilliant!.. I’ll go too
on all fours... That's better! Let it get wetter... Let it ho-
happier... But I obey the call of instinct! I use a lot
summer wisdom of living Mother Nature!.. Why the hell are they croaking?
these damn frogs?! After all, they seem to be crowing...
Or not?..”
Not a single sound interfered with the singing of KVAKUMBE, an intelligent amphibian.
mu, a representative of the local fauna... Although, by the wayno!..
A terrible roar shook the air, and a strange four-legged creature howled at
the moon something like:
“What quad quacked all the quacks?!”
Growling some more incomprehensible sounds, just emanating
uncensored biocurrents, this strangely pale beast rose to
hind legs, and awkwardly staggering, trudged his way...
“And what can you imagine after a glass of kvamogon!” -by-
thought KVAKUMBA...
..."NEUSTASHEIMY" rubbed his pricked hand:
- All animals are idiots and masochists!..
The swamps soon ended. Now the path of "NEUSTRASHIM0G0" follows
walked through the jungle... Half an hour later he came out onto a wide path,
There were fallen trees along its edges. Were visible everywhere
imprints of mighty hooves...
- 0, clearing! - He was happy. - So I’ll meet people soon!
...Afternoon of a wild cat (the size of a good magunar),
basking in the sun with pleasure, was awakened by the feeling of
loda...
“So, I’m hungry... Too lazy to get up!.. What should I do?
...Kick someone up... That's what we'll do...0x, how
laziness! Where should we go? Let's go to the wild heffalump trail, there
there are deer... last time, however, heffalumps were for me
they broke into big ones... Okay, if you show off too much
I won’t, maybe I’ll catch at least one deer... On the other hand -
how not to show off? King of the jungle after all!.. 0x, and I’ll get it
but I - my weak heart feels it!..."
The cat lay down in the roadside bushes and hid... After about
Half an hour later, a crazy deer appeared on the path, shaking his faceless
with his head, he walked on his hind legs... The cat twirled his
lovaya - the obsession is not gone!
“Apparently, the heffalump really hurt me back then! Well, to hell with him!
I’ll eat such a deer!..” - the cat decided, listening to the knocking
woodpecker, from the far edge of the forest...
..."NEUSTASHEIMY" meanwhile calmly walked along the clearing. Shel
he, to the sound of a hammer, sometimes heard from far away...
"Interesting forest!" - he thought. - “There is no life at all! All
apparently people have harassed me! Monsters! What a pity! It's beautiful here! But at least
ant - what! "Man destroys everything he touches!"
At that moment, he was walking over a pile of earth (about which he
By the way, I thought: “And there’s road work here!”). I never found out
that with its peaceful walk along the roof of the metropolis, local thermalComrade he destroyed not only the fruits of many years of labor, but also
how many thousands of termites themselves...
But then, his path was blocked by the trunk of a small, flexible palm tree...
"NEUSTASTHELIY" took him aside with his hand and walked...
...The cat gathered himself into a steel spring and prepared to jump...
..."NEUSTASTHELIY" let go of the palm tree...
...The cat jumped... A palm tree flew towards him...
A terrible howl filled the forest...
“Still, the animals are here, there are still some left!” - I realized with joy
"UNDEARABLE."
“My weak heart felt it!..” sighed the cat, thrown over his head
cutting the branches of the nearest redwood tree...
...Hammerslayer, "NEUSTRASHIMYY" never found... But
came across a thicket of local cucumbers, which he snacked on,
sipping on the track 527 times. 0n hoped that the use
these cucumbers will not affect his acid-base balance...
* * *
...Artrang, having left the downed ship, hid in the bushes...
He squeezed a shard of fused glass in his three-toed paw. Coming soon
verysoon, an earthling will appear here... And here he is!..
...The heavy body jumped onto the shoulders of "NEUSTRASHIM0G0", knocking him down
off your feet. A fight ensued... "NEUSTRASHIM0G0" crushed under itself
heavy arthrang, he has already brought a fragment over the unfortunate victim
glass, when... “NEUSTRASHIM0G0”’s stomach began to bubble...
“Apparently, you shouldn’t have eaten those cucumbers!..” - he thought, empty-
kaya gases. The half-choked arthrang bounced away. Savior-
A new thought came to the mind of "NEUSTRASHIM0G0".
-Hey, arthrang, why do we need to fight? Come on, let's play cards
Let's catch up! You put up your glass, and I... uh-uh... this boo-
back of the vodka... (Here he waved the last artrang in front of his nose
bubble from its reserve, which certainly served as a decisive factor
argument for artrang. )
-Oh, that would be nice!..
..."NEUSTRASHIM0MU" was terribly lucky. In the third round he had
There were 4 aces (and 2 of them were diamonds), in the sixth there were even five aces
call...
-Well? - said “NEUSTASHIY” to the naked artrang, looking around
neurowhip house (which artang for some reason didn’t want to install).
-No-no, I-pass! There is nothing to bet!
-How is this!? And the neurowhip!?
-I can't, it's- holy! This is my grandmother's favorite neurowhip!
-Ah, well then of course! - said "NEUSTASHIY" with an oily voice -
commotion, without taking his predatory eyes off the neurowhip. - Then maybe we can have a drink.
on the track?
“Of course!..” the arthrang was delighted.
...After about five minutes, the arthrang was lying on his back, singing Inter-
national, and “NEUSTRASHEMYY” walked away with an unsteady gait, towards his
There was a neurowhip fastened to his belt...
...The road led him to a dented spaceship. Having completed the penetration
new, he noticed with surprise, a brand with his sign...
-0go! I didn’t even know that I had two starships...
Then his gaze fell on the computer... - he recognized this computer
out of a thousand...
-Well, how did I end up on this damn spaceship again?! It would be necessary
look through the reference books...
After about a week of leafing through them, he came up with several
plausible theories (the most plausible are listed below).
1). Distortion of the space-time continuum.
(discarded because even the devil doesn’t know what continuum is)
2). The expedition circumnavigated the planet.
(that the planethas the shape of a ball, served for our geo-
swarming with revelation, but on the whole the theory flattered him and pleased him
tastes much better than others)
3). The expedition did not take place due to the commander’s drinking, mainly
Talny dreamed in a feverish delirium.
(the most understandable theory, canceled due to the presence of real
evidence (neuro-whip) travel)
After such a load, "NEUSTRASHIMYY" took on the task of reporting on
first expedition.
┌───────────────────────── ──────────────────────────┐
│ │
│ 0VANITY P0 ICSIDIATION N○1 . │
│ │
│ Code name: "Sledgehammer". │
│ Goal: SEARCH FOR THE SLEDGEHAMMER. │
│ Posted: “UNDEARABLE.” │
│ Sleeve: “UNDEARABLE.” │
│ Zoveril: “UNDEARABLE.” │
│ Progress of the investigation: │
│ 1). IN PROGRESSMarch-Braska important things went wrong │
│philosophical-naturalistic experiments... │
│ 2). A forest has been discovered. There is no living life. │
│ 3). The Artrang pilot was captured, it’s amazing│
│ seizure of ammunition and secret materials, pro- │
│ den dapros... │
│ 4).0having circled the planet, the expedition turned to │
│ base. │
│ Results: │
│ 1).0the tests showed: a).most of the animals are fools. │
│ b).most animals are masochists.│
│ 2).Artrang's questions indicated: │
│ a).arthrangs don’t know how to play cards. │
│ b).Arthrangs do not know how to drink normally. │
│ c).they hit their grandmothers with neurowhips. │
│ 3).0The planetary planet has the shape of a sphere. │
│ (and shame on them) │
│ 5).No sledgehammer found... │
│ │
└───────────────────────── ──────────────────────────┘
...Looking at the hatedcomputer, and taking a sip of moonshine
(he assembled a moonshine still from the Pi-meson engine of his
ship), "NEUSTRASHIMYY" went on a second expedition...
...0 five endless swamps.
...A thin layer of quagmire shook and shattered into pieces under
pressure from below. 0a huge creature, sparkling with evil eyes and
baring her formidable fangs, she jumped out of the swamp...
"UNDEARABLE" breathed in her face.
The evil creature dived back - to catch the devils...
...But now, the swamps are over... Along the wide path, towards
I saw a man with a blaster running to the brave agent. He's hostile
haven't shown it yet... Blaster? 0excellent! Everything on the farm is ready
it's on! The man finally ran up...
-Hey, friend, don’t know how to get away from this planet? They got me
these star monsters...
Before his death, FREDI NARDES thought that monsters were not like that
really bad guys...
...Soon "UNDEARABLE" came across a cave. In the far corner of va-
a sheet of iron fell. It's time to test the blaster!..
...0molten iron glass in the hatch...
Through this iron, but a little later, the entire second
expedition, in full force...Having gotten lost in the caves, our hero discovered a field covered with
Pami. Long-dead people lay in stacks, most of them
still clutched bottles with half-decayed labels in his hands
mi.
-Did they really drink themselves to death? Not to be
maybe! That's a lot of alcohol!.. Bastards!..
("NEUSTRASHIMY" naturally did not know the sad story of this
places. It all started with the fact that a trading ship of the intelligent race
ny puddings crashed near this planet (RAXLA,
what to hide), landed right here. What a temptation for
local residents! But the international convention, in such cases
provides for the transfer of property back to the ruling planet
business. However, the cunning president of RAXLA found a way out. On that
the same day RAXLA declared war on the puddings... The Collosal Army
RAXLA made a giant forced march and won the first bi-
tve (from a crashed, defenseless starship). Trophies
(because of which everything started), to everyone’s joy, they turned out to be
ten tons of bottled liquid. Naturally warriors
They decided that the bottles contained vodka... Naturally, they had no idea
what the bubble may contain, the label of which shows
a grinning skull with a pair of bones, andit is written: "0СТ0P0ЖН0!
POISON!" And indeed everyone “drunk themselves to death.” No one survived..
RAXLA capitulated, and the heroic death of the giant war
no one ever found out anything...)
And our hero, meanwhile, took up looting... But to great
Much to his chagrin, all the trophies had long since rotted away. Hungry Agent
I didn’t even find a bone to gnaw, but in one of the heaps
rotten bones, something flashed... Palm...
* * *
An overgrown guy entered the deserted farm, staggering slightly,
he had a blaster slung over his shoulder, and his gaze read
manic desire to get a sledgehammer...
...The decrepit old woman was sitting on the threshold of an equally ramshackle shack. Past
"UNDEARABLE" took place. 0n politely greeted the old lady:
- Hello, old lochondra!..
The dear granny affectionately and politely smacked the agent, after which
she tried to hide in the hut. Unfortunately, she didn't succeed.
elk... The noble agent gave her a kick and grabbed her by the neck
mouth, then he very politely explained to her how to take
agents of the All-Russian Center for Social Security (after such politeness, atgrandma's face, bruises
remained until death)...
Having gotten drunk in both senses, “NEUSTRASHIMYY” lay down to rest.
For complete happiness, only one thing was needed... Grandma for this
didn't fit very well...
...The dream was overtaken by "NEUSTRASHIM0G0", his life was saved only by a huge
experience of espionage work and unmistakable intuition... As soon as he
closed his eyes, the following scene appeared before him: grandmother, predatory
but baring her teeth, she pulled out a bazooka... but no... "bazooka" -
this is too much, he’ll burn his house down... With a maniacal grin on his face
lips, the grandmother pulled out a two-handed sword... not a “sword” - it’s heavy-
then... okay - machete.0 carefully stepping on the creaky floorboards,
she began to sneak towards the agent...
"NEUSTASHEIMY" sharply opened his eyes - the grandmother was sitting quietly in the corner
and knitted...
"Uh, bitch! Managed to disguise my arsenal!" - thought the mind-
agent. - “But you won’t fool me so easily!..”
Having tried it on, "NEUSTRASHIMYY" made a tiger leap straight
in... a trough, with soaked linen, meanly tucked under his feet
brave agent... Having got out of there, he smiled happily
-now there will be a reason to officially accuse the grandmother!
-You are under arrest on suspicion of sabotage! Yes, evenwho the hell knows -
from whose meat are your pies made! This makes me think...
I will read you your rights (here he took out a voluminous volume "K0NS-
TITUTION OF THE UNION OF HUMAN CLOCKS ")... So point 1a:...
...The Constitution of the SCHK contained about 5000 large points...
"NEUSTASHIMYY" tied up, pleased that the points were finally finished
They treated the old woman with a clothesline. But then out of his pocket fell
la found palm...
- Son, dear, where did you get this palm?! Tell me please
you!!! - exclaimed the grandmother.
-Yes, and at the bone dump!, all the guys there also drank themselves to death!
-This is the palm of my dead son... Untie me, I’ll give you-
half a liter for the trip!..
A kind and trusting agent untied the grandmother. Then he benefits
exchanged the palm for a box of vodka, in addition he received the address of a nearby
the nearest liquor store... Having said goodbye to my grandmother cordially, and
even shedding a tear, he left the house, turned around, pointed at the
chug the blaster and smoothly pulled the trigger.
A grandmother jumped out of the burning house, the blaster beam immediately knocked her down.
strength...
"...a secret agent must be classified..." (point b2492
"RULES FOR AGENTS OF VSSCHK")...In the middle of the field there was a van lying on its side. Strange as it may seem,
The address of the liquor store was written on this shack...
"UNDEARABLE" banged on the door...
-Open it! I urgently need a drink!..
-You'll get over yourself, you filthy sorcerer...
-What?! 0sorrow during execution... Ten years with confiscation-
Tsiya! I'll confiscate everything! Come on, open the doors of the state
liquor store!
-Fuck off...you know where!?
-Go yourself, s...!
-P... ..., g...!
-... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... !
During a meaningful conversation on the topic of linguistics, often
moving on to the genealogies of the interlocutors, both happy
high mothers, owners of such intelligent children, rotate
were thrown in coffins at a speed of 100 rpm.
...The enraged "Dauntless" aimed the blaster at the door...
Unfortunately, there was not enough charge for the owner himself, then the great
some agent punched him in the face.
In the store, he licked all the stocks of alcohol and committed a pogrom.
The owner could not stand the torture... 0however, this goat neverknew where the sledgehammer was hiding...
"Proud!" - thought “NEUSTASHEIMYY”, with respect...
However, before his death, the shopkeeper recognized the agent as his son
best friend and handed him a piece of paper and a bottle of rum...
Rum is nice... So, what's in the piece of paper!?
┌─────────────────────────────────────┐
│ │
│ Where the glasses clink, │
│ Where the bottles clink, │
│ Who is ahead of the whole crowd, │
│ He drinks vodka and moonshine!? │
│ │
│ Who doesn’t stay sober day and night? │
│ Whose life is an eternal binge? │
│ Who drank everyone in the world? │
│ DIZZY the walker hero... │
│ │
│ (code word: DIZZY) │
└─────────────────────────────────────┘
On the back was a map...
Half an hour later, "NEUSTRASHIMYY" was already approaching the cave indicated
onmap as a destination...
With horror, "NEUSTASHEIMY" noticed in the far corner of the cave a com-
pewter... Having tried several dozen five-digit codes,
"NEUSTASHEIMYY" was already desperate to log into the system when...
"I KNEW THAT YOU WOULD GROW UP SO FUCKING! NOTHING IS GOOD -
BARK, IN YOUR CHILDHOOD THE G0L0VK0Y KNOCKED..." - the monitor flashed.
"I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR! THE SLEDGEHAMMER LIES UNDER THIS COMPUTER
(BREAK THIS GOD FOR ME!) THIS IS THE "STAR LEGACY"!
IN K0SM0SE WITHOUT HER, HANA... OKAY, GOODBYE SON! IN TWO
IN SECONDS THE CAVE SELF-DESTROYS..."
...Father "NEUSTRASHIM0G0" loved funny jokes...
THE END.
──────────────────────────────── ────────────────────────────────
on the map, as a destination...
With horror, "NEUSTASHEIMY" noticed in the far corner of the cave a com-
pewter... Having tried several dozen five-digit codes,"NEUSTASHEIMYY" was already desperate to log into the system when...
"I KNEW THAT YOU WOULD GROW UP SO FUCKING! NOTHING IS GOOD -
BARK, IN YOUR CHILDHOOD THE G0L0VK0Y KNOCKED..." - the monitor flashed.
"I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR! THE SLEDGEHAMMER LIES UNDER THIS COMPUTER
(BREAK THIS GOD FOR ME!) THIS IS THE "STAR LEGACY"!
IN K0SM0SE WITHOUT HER, HANA... OKAY, GOODBYE SON! IN TWO
IN SECONDS THE CAVE SELF-DESTROYS..."
...Father "NEUSTRASHIM0G0" loved funny jokes...
THE END.
──────────────────────────────── ────────────────────────────────
Author: AK-47.
N. Tagil. 199bg.
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