Attempt on LASER SQUAD... .H0VELLA
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│LASER SQUAD│
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***
Well, what are we going to try this time? Naturally on what
some immortal series! To whom will God send? 0, god, why-
why are you so cruel? What is "Laser squad" for? What, there’s not enough in the world
shooters, fetch shooters, crazy walkers and other rubbish!?
***
...Dispatcher of the branch security service of the asteroid "THE WAY OF HURT"
"KNOWS WHERE" gloomily chewed a sandwich with dried gwanaganos,
exchanges, he actually glanced at the screen of the communication system, a glance
instantly bounced back and stubbornly jumped onto the pages of the magazine with
very interesting pictures... Stop! This cannot be true! ..0n
rubbed his eyes... Smoke signals with
nearbyplanets - "DRINK TO DEATH 15, b"..."0, damn, ancient-
what a thing! Couldn't you use flags? " - dis swore angrily
petcher, accepting the message, the softest expression of which
was - "Your mother." In the official report he wrote: “The day of
proceeded without significant incident. The mega-ionic sharpener broke
like pencils, Khokan cats howled under the window all day (after all,
It's December), and from the planet "DRINK TO DEATH 15.b" came-
la smokegram: "S0S!S0S! The colony has been captured by bad people!"
***
The laser unit, alerted, plunged into
landing cruiser, whose tanks were already full of the purest
C2H5(0H). The sailors untied the mooring halyard...
"Eh-eh! “Who flies without fuel?!” exclaimed the pilot, landing
rushing to the fuel supply... After a slight overload, the cruiser lay down
to the course...
-Hey, pilot! Why did we get up?!
-What am I saying to you, turn the pedals? Yes, and the wheel seems to be blown-
elk - need to pump up!
The pilot and flight mechanic climbed into the diving bell and went out into
outer space...Half an hour later the cruiser set course again...
-We are approaching the planet!
-Download the landing program!
As usual in such games, the on-board computer was
SPECTRUM-48, and the main and only driver is a tape recorder...
-Flight engineer, bring the landing program!
...Soon a cart filled to the brim with cash registers appeared in the aisle.
tami, and then the flight engineer himself. The landing program took
about a gigabyte...
-Ugh, damn it! Right now they are loading this planting program for a month
blow! - Corporal J0NLAN swore. -Lieutenant, sir, could you please?
should you give the guys a encouraging speech? Otherwise we can’t sleep!
Lieutenant AYP0N was an old warrior who, however, preferred
began to direct the operation from aboard the cruiser...
- Guys! - he began quite cheerfully. -Today we have gathered
here to accomplish a feat... (the audience gapes desperately -
Lee). We will accomplish this feat in the name of our fatherland, and so
the ideals of freedom and brotherhood...
(No one learned the continuation of the speech; by this time I had fallen asleep.
even the most persistent ones.)
***...The fighters of the laser platoon, armed to the teeth, took to the
position...
...Corporal HEAVY carefully looked into the airlock.
-Hey, 0'HARA, cover me!
...He casually moved his foot along the door... No effect. Moved
from a running start... Nothing! “We’ll have to blow it up!..” -realizes with bitterness-
cash HEAVY...
...An unusual noise attracted the attention of a space pirate,
screwing up the sliding door flaps, he asked, peering into
darkness:
-Hey, who's here? Ah!..The wind has cleared up, probably...
- Naturally the wind! Don't you think it's a laser?
platoon?! - the resourceful corporal HEAVY was not at a loss.
-Absurd! These idiots are still loading the landing program from punch cards!
“Aha!” the corporal thought maliciously, “not in vain, apparently we have a tape recorder
installed!"
...The pirate left, and the resourceful Corporal HEAVY diligently
fired explosives...
A powerful explosion blew the door to hell. "I saw it coming!"
-came to the mind of the pirate before his death... Shooting left and right
Corporal HEAVY burst in. The whistle of bullets forhim with music, flickering
laser beams - beautiful illumination, screams of the wounded and dying -
His brave little heart made everyone happy. And he didn't care either
that there are many more enemies, and that clouds of bullets are blocking
his way, and the fact that he opened fire at the warehouse explosive
chats...
...The building was rocked by another powerful explosion... 0'HARA took off his helmet,
paying tribute to the memory of the deceased hero and erasing the stingy male trace
so as not to choke... However, he immediately put on his helmet -
the atmosphere of the planet "DRINK TO DEATH 15,b" does not contain oxygen -
la...
***
...And at this time, at the other end of the base, Private Dixon carefully
carefully studied the instructions for using lemon juice:
a). Break the pin.
b). Throw towards the enemy.
“Well, now you’re going to dance with me, you damned terrorist!” I thought
he, noticing the shadow of an enemy standing around the corner...
...Completely unexpectedly, at the feet of a space pirate,
the lemon check came out, after a few secondsthere was an explosion...
“We have to get away! It’s already close!” he thought with horror...
***
Laser fighters made their way through the dark corridors of the captured base.
platoon... The brave corporal J0NLAN led the recruit...
-Sir, which corridor should we go down?
-Therefore, there is less chance of meeting an enemy here!
-Sir, what if we still meet some pirate?
-I hope you can run?
“What if they surround us?” the recruit continued unabated.
-You are insured, I hope?
-!?...
-Sir, there’s one thing I don’t understand: why are we carrying these stupid
guns? I don't even know how to shoot with them! - noticed the rookie
after a short silence.
-By the way, I can’t do it either! And we drag it like that, just to show off!
-You know, sir, I faked a bulletproof vest under my spacesuit... Maybe...
maybe...
-And I faked diapers, they will certainly help a lot
more!-Sir, how did you get your rank?..
***
...one of the pirate officers ran down the corridor, accompanied by
waiting for two soldiers. Now they were running past the sign "KIN0-
HALL."
“Center, answer, Center!..” - he tried to contact by radio...
Finally, the hissing in the speaker was replaced by the voice of a frightened sun.
date:
-Who the hell knows what's going on here! ..The boss locked himself in the toilet, lei-
Tenant Blake is collecting on everyone, he wants to buy the skin,
bitch...
The officer turned off the radio, they've been running away for half an hour now
corridor, but there is no end to it, no edge..."Why the hell are they here?
the tenth cinema hall? - thought the officer, running past the boring
inscriptions... And then evil fate played another joke on the misfortune
famous pirates, bringing them face to face with the no less unfortunate
by the detachment of the brave corporal J0NLAN...
...Faced with pirates, J0NLAN, in fright, fired at point-blank range
queue......Shards of glass, plastic, and fittings fell...When there was smoke
dissipated, the trembling bandits still stood in disarray
corridor...
...The new recruit tried to squeeze out “I surrender!”, but instead
this one squeaked in a trembling voice something like:
-...P-ru..k-ki!..
...The bandits, pale with fear, happily got rid of the need
ate machine guns, didn’t even notice that their machine gun
Rookie holds backwards...
-You seem to be asking how I got my title?..
***
...Android BARKEP, having crushed the door, rolled across the floor, still met-
ra three, his laser, at the same time managed to turn all the furniture into ashes
hall and destroy the latest video system, costing several
million credit cards... The toilet door blew out, laser
the push instantly burned, emitting fragrant steam... BARKEP was already running
further...
...Space Pirate Lieutenant BLAKE beat out a confession
the murder of Canedy from one of his colleagues... Unexpectedly, behind the
noahthere was an explosion and part of the wall shattered into pieces under the impact
powerful body rum...
..."Damn blast wave! Next time before you burn
gas cylinder, we need to think carefully!..” - the android decided
BARKEP, getting out from under the rubble of bricks.
-I give up! - BLAKE screamed heart-rendingly.
-What? -didn’t disassemble the BARKEP, turning the room into a mess
fried meat and an alloy of glass and plastic...
***
The fighters of the laser platoon - SMALES and ANDEPS0N trudged along the
drama SMALES was suffering from a severe hangover. ANDEPS0N, shot
A sparrow managed to gnaw through some pipe. Luckily there was
not liquid nitrogen or a high-voltage cable, but an ordinary inter-
star fuel... A pirate crawled into the corridor on all fours...
Further events developed with the speed of a sorcerer running after
vodka...
-Shoot, ANDEPS0N! - SMALES roared.
-Which one? - I didn’t understand ANDEPS0N.
The bandit, looking at the vaguely outlined contours of two dozen
(for some reasonopponents standing on two legs, I realized that
surrounded. 0n decided to sell his life at a higher price. His feat is not
they will forget!.. 0n pulled the grenade ring...
-And he’s not a bad guy at all! - SMALES was surprised. -Look: ba-
wants to treat us to a night of vodka!
***
0'HARA walked along the corridor, playing with the pin of a grenade. Through teeth
he cursed an evil fate that prevented him from leaving the army...
Meanwhile, several terrorists tried to open the cash register
captured base...
...The door opened and a paratrooper entered with a grenade in his hand...
...The spectacle of three trunks, the muzzles of which were closely examined by him -
rival, forced 0'HARU to stop...
-Come on, throw a grenade!
-With pleasure! - 0'HARA agreed, removing the pin.
-Hey, what are you doing!?
-The instructions here say: "BEFORE YOU THROW THE GRENADE, YOU-"
PULL THE PIN!"...
-Ah, well then it’s clear!
...The explosion took outunharmed 0'HARU out the door...
***
...J0NLAN and the new recruit burst into the devastated Center.
-BARKEP has already been here! - noted J0NLAN. -By the way, I'm in
the toilet needs to be changed - diapers need to be changed!
-Busy! - Laconically cut off the voice from the toilet.
-Nothing, I'll wait! - answered J0NLAN.
- No need! For what? Are there not enough other toilets?
-This is the last one! There are no others!.. - the corporal sighed sadly:
BARKEP has already burned them all! And he hasn’t gotten to that point yet... Although
no, there he comes here. It's a pity! ..I am not destined to see today
change diapers!..
...The door instantly opened, and the frightened pirate boss -
STERNEP PENIX gladly surrendered himself into the hands of the law...
***
...0'HARA, thrown back by the explosion, flew into the corridor, knocking down a
feet of two pirates rushing to leave the base... Remembering the lessons,
received intraining part, 0'HARA tied up the stunned non-
godyaev. But before he had time to call for help on the radio,...
...BARKEP kicked the door open with his usual kick... Aha! Hostility-
tel! The laser shredded the dark silhouettes at the far end of the room.
...0k-kay! The job is done - the enemy is destroyed! Passing by a heap of pa-
flax meat, he noticed a piece of laser platoon uniform with a badge
"0'HARA".
"Poor 0'HARA!" - thought BARKEP. - “But nothing - they still swam -
they are fighting for your death!"
***
...While combing the liberated base, J0NLAN found in one
from the side corridors of privates SMALES and ANDERPS0NA, as well as
one of the pirates...Guys, justifying the name of the planet -
they were chomping at the tenth box of vodka... Looking at the dim lighting,
The corporal thought: "You're lucky that BARKEP didn't notice this
corridor!"
For some reason the guys mistook J0NLAN for a green devil, from a red
with our eyes, and while he was dragging them “to hell” (to the exit) they were baptized,
they cried and cursed so much that in just this alone they cleaned up for about 500 years -
now it was himguaranteed...
“But it’s good that the guys don’t know how to shoot!” came to mind
to the fleeing J0NLAN when he broke the last bottle from
arsenal of friends...
***
-Lieutenant AYP0N, sir, allow me to report... The base has been cleared,
the enemy is destroyed!
-Corporal, how many of our people died?
-Three people, sir!
-0was anyone different?
- That's right! Rookie Stone saved me...
-We'll have to raise it! How many prisoners?
-Sir, who did you put to guard them?
-Uh...Android BARKER, like...
-Well, then I'm afraid of none...
-Okay, corporal, line up the people at the cruiser, I want to say
speech...
-0, no!!!
***...Corporal J0NLAN gathered people - BARKEP had just finished the last
him prisoner, SMALES and ANDEPS0N were engaged in spearfishing in
a puddle of mercury, and the recruit washed his pants and became more and more convinced
Corporal J0NLAN is right about diapers...
...Lieutenant AYP0N stood in front of the line. Today his speech was
grandiose...
-Soldiers, we won today, here, in this war for ideals
freedom and brotherhood, this crusade for peace... Victory
dili, because we are the most well trained and highly qualified
squad in the universe! And nothing can stop us when we
We fight for the cause of world peace and the ideals of freedom and brotherhood
...(etc., etc. for 50 typewritten sheets)... 0t so
inspired speech even the android fell asleep, whose sleep program did not
provided...
...Peering into the faces of the sleeping soldiers standing, AYP0N wiped away a tear
tenderness: "0rly!"
-At ease! - finally he said.
SMALES and ANDERS0N, left without the support of their comrades, immediately
splashed into a puddle, muttering something inaudibly. J0NLAN FINALLY
got the opportunity to change diapers. The new recruit ran
sew on corporal's stripes, andBARKEP burn down the remains of the base...
THE END
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┌────────────────────────────── ──────────────────────────────┐
│ AVT0P: AK-47. │
│ N. Tagil .199bg. │
└────────────────────────────── ──────────────────────────────┘
P.S. If you want to know about the further adventures of the brave
platoon - WRITE!!!
P.P.S. Thanks ANDY INC. and I. Degtyarev for help!
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I haven't laughed so much in a long time!!! :-D!!! Cool!!! The article may compete
not unlike Arthur Dent's Guide to the Galaxy,
personally written!!! By the way, this is the first novel in our newspaper!АЛЕХ'9b
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