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3Bit #01
03 января 2005 |
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Veselukha - Computer jokes.
Computer jokes
More powerful computer glitch faster and more
accurately.
Staff of the types of businesses.
Director: Bro
Secretariat: Zaletkin
Sales Manager: Vtiralov
Manager of Public Relations:
Treplova
Manager to work with clients: Kidalov
Marketing team: Designer,
Kuhlman, Whatman, felt-tip pen
Administrator: Krivoruchko
Project Managers: Proebalkin, Maraza
matischev
Head of Research Department:
Khrapunov
Intelligence experts: Mozgoklyuev, Bezdumov
Specialists of the analytical department:
Neznaykin
Developers documentation: Kosnoyazytsky,
Negramotnova
Programmers: Krivorukov, Rukozhopov,
Razgildyaytsev, Bestolkovchenko,
Halyavin, Bugs
Head Hotline: Pofigidze
Hotline: Glukhov Molchalin, Oflay
neer
Head of test:
Prozevaschenko
Testing department: Sleptsov fools
Tupitsyn, Lamerkina
Head of Studies: implemented
Nevypolnyavsky
Implementation specialists: Nedoezdov,
Poteryaykin, Isterikyants
Security: Nalivaiko, Povtoryaylo,
Propuskaychikov
Staff canteen: Garbage, Cold
GOVERNMENTAL, Gryaznov
*
Girls - it's like a computer: you their goods - they hang on
you.
*
Released a new operating system FreeLSD
- Does not require you to have a computer.
*
The doorbell to the hacker, it opens
door - and there stands Death, with scythe and
overalls ...
- Who are you?!
- I'm your uninstaller ...
*
The surgeon looks at an X-ray:
- Yes-ah! Collarbone broken, two ribs
broken, a crack in the fibula.
Well, nothing in Photoshope fix it!
*
Talk to two friends:
- I feel like a mouse on your computer.
- This is why?
- Crawling on the carpet, and stomach all krutitkrutit!
*
A few days ago dismissed sysadmin ... Director
said to him, they say, hand over the system password, and
submit a paper, writes the next admin
*******, A little thought, "but no one more
snowflake.
*
She (smiling and gazing into the distance):
- No, still people should wake up and see the sky.
He (by opening a bottle of beer):
- For it is enough to wake up at home
reach out and press Power.
*
The more people learn, the more love
computers.
*
Worst of all accounts of the programmers
Microsoft. They, poor fellow, in which case and
abusing a nobody.
*
Dude got tired of running Windows and it
pulled the cord. On the screen the words "Are you sure?"
*
Speak two programmers:
- Seems to have been yesterday's presentation, and there ...
And brandy, and viskarek and Vodka! Half an hour later - have
none at all, but on tables - do not diminish, just a shame.
Well, I'm not confused, I went to the toilet, pobleval
good - and continued!
- That's my CTRL + ALT + DEL always helps ...
*
Two programmers to snipe out drunk from the tavern, one
friend says: - Well, engage the autopilot.
- And I do not have it.
- Well, then turn the simulator autopilot.
*
Press any key to exit
or any other to continue.
*
One programmer to another:
- Imagine, a Windows-2000 more
four thousand of known bugs, and in my
Playing only one!
- That's great! And what?
- Do not run.
*
Finally, Microsoft has made a fair performance of Windows in
the title: Windows XP (X% d Works)
*
Want to get a lot of $$$$$? All very
simply, you are virtually no other required prsto press the
Shift key and hold it - press 4.
*
Programming in C + + for civil servants -
as sex among adolescents:
- All think about it;
- Everybody talks about it;
- All think their neighbor is doing;
- Almost no one does;
- Whoever does it, does it badly;
- Everyone thinks that the next time better
true;
- No one takes the security measures;
- Anyone ashamed to admit that he
something does not know;
- If someone has something obtained from
This is always a lot of noise.
*
After receiving a bad mark on Informatics Vovochka
deleted the page and reformatted diary.
*
TV schedule for today:
4.00 ROWERhnostnye phenomenon.
4.5 Winsikansky episode - "Loading in
rrogress "10-11 percent.
8.30 game on the screen - "Guess meLOADiyu"
Yes, NO, Sansel.
9.00 The program "Good Morning Mastday.
9.30 "Self Bar Misrosoft Offise.
10.00 Funny STARTy.
11.00 movie "Who said Bisi?".
11.10 "Sonnest at first sight."
11.30 "Morning Post" with G. Oldedom.
12.00 NoSarrierchko.
12.30 Adobe MozgoEb. During breaks SkrinSavery.
14.00 The most crime program on the monitor: "Illegal
Operation. Close. Details.. "
14.30 Comedy in the monitor - the club "White Reset."
15.00-19.00 Maintenance work. Serial SsanDisk.
19.45 For the little ones - "Unable Error,
Kids! ".
20.00 Documentary data on the register "IeRARhicheskaya
poDLLost. 20.30 Humorous monitorozhurnal - "Spite DirestH.
22.00 Night Session - Add / Remove
Programs. "Starring - UnInstall Windows'98.
23.00 As it was. "Windows 03/11" 1990
year.
00.00 Contra, Alt, Del.
*
Ilya of Murom is on the field. See - Snake
Dragon sitting. Well, he crept up to him and
cut down his head. At Snake Gorynycha two
increased. Ilya felled him two - four grown! Cut down the four
- rose eight! AND so on ... And when Elijah of Murom cut down
65,535 head, The Dragon is dead ... Because he was a 16-bit.
*
Is the third stage of completion of continuing
complete installation of Microsoft Office 2000.
*
All covered BADami absolutely fly
HARDDISC bad luck in store there.
*
It is well known that people on Earth are divided
on normal and those involved in computers. And the first with
every year becomes less and less.
Stages of disease, symptoms and treatment method.
1. The first stage (light).
SYMPTOMS: A man sits at a computer,
includes his work and goes home
end of the day, and then remembers about the computer until the
next morning. Normal appetite and sleep, headaches and diarrhea
are not available.
TREATMENT: The treatment is temporarily not needed.
2. The second stage (featherweight).
SYMPTOMS: The patient has been an increasing interest to the
computer that is expressed in nezdorvom excited, covering his
when a specified object. Appetite is normal. Restless sleep
with the cries and yelps. Delayed at work
for 2-3 hours and tramples button.
TREATMENT: Remove the patient from the computer
ingest rubbing alcohol 3 times
a day for 0.5 tbsp. Computer
remove references to inaccessible places. C
work to meet.
3. The third stage (moderate).
SIPTOMY: The patient is delayed at work
more than 4-5 hours after working
day, saving money on your home computer. In
everyday life begins to use a computer
terminology and does not respond to enhanced
eyes of others. Increased appetite. Sleep
restless with shouting komputernyh
catchwords and causeless laughter. Comes in
sudden excitement at the sight or komputera
at a meeting with the patient the third stage and above. In
this case, the disease can pass the 4-th
stage.
TREATMENT: The patient isolated from society and from
komputera the money away, marry. At a rough behavior and
refusal to treatment of type intragastrically 2.1 Bucket
vodka with port "777", mixed in a 1:2 ratio. Basin does not
give.
4. The fourth stage (severe).
SYMPTOMS: The patient buys a modem and
computer. It is replete with various
computer words and their combinations.
Inventing new words, she saves money on
dedicated phone line. Appetite is greatly increased. Eat any
food at any time days if available. Sleeps 3-4 hours
day, since the night calling on the modem and
Each connection produces howls described
in the 3 rd volume of the book "Animal Life" (Chapter
1, the behavior of male rhesus monkeys in the marriage
period). Libido decreased. Vomiting
work, delirium, and diarrhea are not available.
TREATMENT: Treatment is subject only to
hospital.
5. Fifth stage (hopeless).
SYMPTOMS: The patient starts a host VVS,
which pays all the free calls and
programming time. Slurred speech,
consisting of 80 percent or more of the
computer jargon with special terms.
Appetite and sleep are absent. Eat only what
that falls within the line of sight,
regardless of the type and quality of product. On
others drew attention only
if they utter a phrase associated with the computer. Sexual
attraction is completely absent, since occasionally feels a
deep sense of satisfaction from lines on the screen "Sonnest
19,200 ..." Keeps about computer night vase and a packet of tea,
who forgets to dissolve in water.
TREATMENT: Treatment should not be.
*
Met such as windows 95 and 98. Windows 95, I says:
- Well, the bar will go here or hover?
*
Sit two hackers on the computer. Suddenly
comes the cat. One says:
- Your cat?
- Yes.
- What's your name?
- Zyxel.
- Why is it so?
- Look.
Takes a broom, goes to the cat and says:
- Zyxel konekt!
Cat:
- Pshshshshshshshshshsh
*
Windows: "Rug performed an illegal
operation and will be rolled ... "
*
Programmer is the Kreshchatik sees -
girls. Approaches them and asks:
- Girls, beer you drink?
- No!
- A wine?
- No!
- A vodka?
- No?
He walks away and thinks: "Strangely, the standard
drivers do not come. "
*
Is the programmer on the street here on his head falling
bricks. Tetris thought programmer.
*
Become a programmer pancakes oven - the first
Shoot out, as it should be lumpy, well
second, as usual, - executable.
*
Programmer wakes with a hangover. Turns his head and saw
beside him a girl.
"I found an unknown device
vvodavyvoda "- he thought.
*
Hacker sits with his little girl in the room, behind a
computer hacker, a girl on a chair. A hacker is doing
something, and the girl wants to get his attention:
- And here yesterday under the windows of a UFO hovering ...
Hacker (not looking up from the company):
- I had to put UNIX, under the windows of all
hangs.
*
Programmer comes home to his cat runs up and begins to
vigorously domain, lick the hand murchat etc. His wife, seeing
it asks:
- What is it suddenly happened to the cat? What
She then hand-licking?
- As what? Mousy smell ...
*
Geek girl says:
- You to me today in a dream dreamed!
- In the erotic?
- No, as usual.
- How do you distinguish between them at all?
- And erotic extension *. JPG
*
Talking two programmers.
- What the programmer is different from the usual
death?
- And that, in a position to answer the question, which has
already concluded the answer.
- How is that?
- Well, for example, answer the question: how much will be
2x2 = 4?
- Naturally TRUE!
*
Developed a new processor in the women's
logic that handles the four logical
values: "yes or no", "Yes and no,"
"Three times no!" and "No, do not ask!"
*
A resident of the Far North in the computer
shop:
- Do you have operating systems?
- Yes.
- Multitasking is?
- Yes.
- Please, give trehzadachnuyu!
*
Worth a platoon of young soldiers. Petty Officer:
- In order to calculate the numbers!
Soldier programmer:
- You can question?
- You can ...
- And in what system? Decimal?
Hex?
- For fools explain, in decimal!
- Got it! Zero!
*
In the tram:
- Girl! A girl! And you probably
programmer at?
- Yes, but how did you guess?!
- You have a very stupid person!
- Fool!
- Yes I am a programmer myself ...
*
Teacher of kindergarten has
children on an excursion to
zoo. She has children and says:
- This is a large animal with large
ears - an elephant with a long neck - a giraffe. Suited to a
cage with monkeys. The kids rush to the cage and shouted:
- Programmers, developers!
- Why did you decide? - Asks
teacher.
- And their eyes were red and ass in the corn.
*
Programmer took the calf and dragged home.
At the time of this case have had a Girl
epileptic seizure. She began to beat
convulsing, writhing and moaning. Buddy got a buzz, which he
never was. Well it crying with her, and she
all in a fit of beats. He summoned an ambulance.
The doctor asks what's wrong?
- Yes, I think, her orgasm hung!
*
There are two programmers:
1) I am last night to my wife when I get there and
she told me: "Access Denied"
2) That's nothing ... and my: "Sharing violation"
*
Programmers gathered friends to relax,
drink beer. Agreed - on computers
word. Sit silent. Still sat, silent.
Suddenly one of the programmers:
- I've been with a girl he met ...
All:
- Oh! I. .. (Interested).
- We had a whole day walking around the city, in
movies went, the circus, in the cafe. By the evening to
I came home. We sit drinking tea. And then
she noticed on my desk computer and reached out to him. And
then everything happened at table by the company.
- Yes ... And what is your computer?
*
Gathered programmers break. Sit
they were beaten for half an hour talking about computers.
Then one of them exclaims:
*
- Guys, we're all about computers so on
computers ... Let's talk about
women!
- Exactly! Come on! Here I am yesterday, those hyphae
with women downloaded! ...
*
In the company started working a new mouse. In
break it whispering at the keyboard.
(M) - Listen, Clave, and someone in our company
the main boss? And then the bosses so much, can not tell ...
(K) - Well, you give ... But she think?
(M) - Well, the Server, maybe ...
(R) - Yes, well ... Also on the wage. Your guy when drinks.
(M) - Well, then printer ... Color, laser, network ...
(To) - No Mouse, by again. You still life
do not know. You see, on the bedside table, small, with red
eyes? Okay, I will. Modem. Here it's the best there is chief.
(M) - He's smart, huh?
(K) - Shh ... Well, no. He is stupid, and cheap.
Hangs constantly. But he has such respect!
*
Male-Programmer (R) and his wife (R) sit in
Circus on speech illusionist. During the next issue of a small
box leave a lot of girls.
F: - How could they fit into this
a small box ...?
M: - Nonsense! If he used WinRAR
it would be even more stuffed them in there ...
*
The Japanese company has released a new version
game "Tamagotchi". The game runs under Windows 95 and called
TAMAGLYUCHI "
*
Hacker comes to specialist
paranormal:
- Doctor, help me! My house is going on. CDs are flying
around the room, put themselves into the computer and install
Windows!
- Oo-oo! Dear sir, yes you polterGeyts!
*
Retrained hacker priest
and one comes to the sermon with a large
bodunischa. Thickly:
- And help thee F1, and keep you;
F2! In the name of Controla, Alta, and the holy Dela
so be it, ENTER!
*
- Do you have mice?
- ... no.
- And when will be?
- ... I do not know.
- It 'ATS Computers'?
- ... not flat.
*
Wait, is preparing to hang
Computer ...
*
Question lamer, who saw the first degree-2:
- What is this camera?
*
DOOM'er watching the film "Alien IV":
- Dura, remained ... preserved!
*
Life event. Resorted to a girl
programeru.
- Nicholas G., where my mistake
some kind of strange: "wrong format,
igrek divided by the entropy. "
Well, he got to the car, and now it says: Format another (Y /
N)?.
*
Called once a hairy admin
serve in the army on the border. Put it
on patrol. Suddenly admin hear the footsteps ...
- Stop! Password! ...
The answer from the darkness:
- Vladivostok ...
- Login ...
- ????!!!......
*
Internet users were taken into the army. On the border
serve. He stands on guard. Suddenly - steps.
- Password!
... Silence.
- Password!!
... Silence.
He takes off from the shoulder machine ... short
all ...
- User Anonymous Access Denied.
*
I asked the programmer:
- Do you remember how many there will be two in the fourth?
- (Without hesitation) Sixteen.
- A sixteen in the fourth?
- (Without hesitation) Sixty-five thousand
five hundred thirty-six.
- Here's a head, well, you give! Well, three in
Fourth?
- (After a pause) I do not remember exactly. Fractional
number of turns.
*
Crawling on the street in a drunken dyminu hacker.
Barely moves his arms and legs. A meet
him another sober:
- Listen, Vasya, what are you doing? After all, you're a week
ago coded?
- Aha! - Ick! - I - ick! - In the last-to-kkod picked ...
*
- I'm so proud of my son! He system programmer, wrote in
Delphi and C + + SQL-database designs and deals
development of server applications. But the boys - always boys.
He again brought from somewhere in Doom 2 and again rides on a
7-th level, forgetting about work and study. I used to
enjoyed by conventional means: deltree
doom2 / y; F8, Enter, Enter; delete *.*,
but my son has always been backed up or he ran Unerase. Had
washed again. From a friend I learned about
format C: / U Format - It's a miracle! With him on the
files, not a trace left! Now I use them only! Clear! Clear!
Clear! erases even the fact that others are not under the power!
*
In each case, a special smell.
In the bakery, smells like a burnt muffin.
Smells like rancid meat butcher.
Carbon monoxide gas stove smell.
Smells like sour milk-cream.
Miners burnt smell methane.
It smells like a dead duck newspaperman,
How perfume department - a prostitute.
Smells like a bad surgeon general anesthesia.
Smells like a milkmaid evening manure.
Skinned skinner smells.
Vacuum truck ... Know how.
It smells sour cabbage cook.
Smells like a sister medical enema.
Tiffany's usually smell like pancakes
All the customs - the big money.
Smells like party member as red flags.
Babysitter diaper smells Huggy.
Smells like a cobbler with thick shoe polish,
A popular singer - cocaine.
British Consul-smelling oatmeal,
Schoolteacher reeks of valerian.
It smells of stale soldier with his boot.
Smells like a hot iron mate.
Smells like rheumatic ozokerite.
Smells like a lover jerks dynamite.
Anchovies in tomato sauce smells tourist
Iodine with Zelenkov athlete climber.
Smells like a priest with holy water.
Smell Rabbis kosher edoyu.
Morse Code radio operator smells.
A heroin smuggler.
Oil spill smell sailor.
Only programmers ... does not smell
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