Humor - Unfiltered: marasmic real ads and statements of people both famous and not so out of "Crocodile".

<b>Humor</b> - Unfiltered: marasmic real ads and statements of people both famous and not so out of
 I remember back in Soviet times
periodically once a month, leaving the cult humor magazine 
Krokodil. Well So, in this magazine was such a topic as 
"purposely not think," which were printed <marasmic>> real ads 
and statements of people both famous and not so. But while all 
of the population understood All right. Thus,




                "Crocodile"

         "Purposely not think"

         =======================

 "Comrades, who goes to the skull - pass to you soon end!"
(Announcement of nurses in the clinic)

 "For Sale half pig in vivo
form ... "(From the announcement)

 "Shop takes a commission-qualified
to implement ... carpets and rugs made of crystal. "(ad in the 
newspaper) 

 "So, based on five years of observations showed that one 
square meter of forested area inhabited by simultaneously from 
200 to 400 crows. "(The newspaper" Lenin's banner, "Mosk. reg.) 



          MLP Tajik SSR

          Knitting Factory


            Dushanbe, 40 years old

           Tajikistan, 123


        ----------------------

        Trousers, shorts for children

        Part Number 251317

        Bust - 72 (36)



                (Price List)


 "The plant has a training center where
workers who do not have a specialty, may
a profession turners, millers,
grinder, women formovschitsy etc. "(From
ad)

 "A shirt, jacket, tuck in pants, in
boots or socks. "(From a leaflet" Beware of tick bite)

 "Colorado potato beetle - a small insect length of 12.8 
centimeters. (Newspaper "North Star")


 "My mother did not naradiya children. Do not hurts
Faith Danilovna soul for them, because
she gave them my soul. "(From the essay)

 "All of the attendant-laying hens, snesshim more than a 
hundred eggs, come into the office at lunch for photography on 
the board. "(Announcement) 

 "Citizens who purchase tickets for
fare. Are on a monitor. Rear floor, lively wiggle his snout 
"(Announcement of the bus driver) 

 "Stewed cabbage" (from the menu
table)

 "Boar dead, because hryachnik census. (From the Act)

 "Bureau of information on employment of the population invited 
to work in Osh Department of the Institute "Kirgiz promproekt" 
engineer to Chief design engineers. "(The newspaper" Lenin's 
Path, Osh) 

 "In an attempt to commit theft arrested
gr. Crook. "(From the Act)

 "I reported that a move higher
to stretch rode on a horse harnessed to
sledges man. "(From the report)



   Factory plastic fittings
 g, Cherepovets, Red Army Street, 54

     phone: 2-62-07, 2-73-60
------------------------------------ BUTTONS ROGOKOPYTNYE 
plastic 


                 (Label)



             ADMISSION cripples

            on razmozhenie

      is from 8:15 to 9:30

          and from 13:00 to 14:00

     (Institute Sevkavgidrovodhoz)



  "December 23.

  For you, the officers' wives!

  1. Lecture.

  2. Art movie "How to become a man."

 "Citizens in the repair of water mains in the house on January 
23 will not be light. Store hot water. "


 "Comrades, Due repair man shower
13/XII-71 was closed. All men
move into the second half of female
souls. "

 Exemptions heart on a chain, the heart can see teeth marks. " 
(From the transcript of a survey of the medallion) 

 "Neighbors systematically poison me
his goat, which made my vegetation
arrived in poor condition. "(From the statement)

 "Recently they have scored a new career
victory - went on the 10-mile line
by nadoyu milk from a cow. "(Newspaper
"Rural nov)

 "You are allowed to live even one day.
After that, I can not help you. "
(Warning: hotel manager)

 "Valuables and money turn in banschitse. Banschitsa for lost 
things is not responding." (Advertisement) 

 "Preservation of mushrooms, wild garlic, I remind once again, 
very dangerous! So strongly recommend that rolled in

cans mushrooms pour into a saucepan, boil for 45 minutes and 
pull down the drain. "(The newspaper" Grozny office) 

 "Citizens! Keep garbage disposal, it is
Your house where you live! "(Announcement)

 "Jellied beef with horseradish appetizer"
(From a restaurant menu, "Kama")

 "Patients at 7 am to bury all!"
(Announcement in Ophthalmology)



        16-22 13h, 17h, 19h, 21h


        PASSWORD DID TWO


        16-18 11h, 15h


        Captain at Fifteen


        19-22 11h, 15h


        OLD HOTTABYCH



           (Playbill Theatre)


 "Lamb roast pork natural"
(From the menu)

 "Harness and otpryazhka hoofed carts. (From the dress)

 "So, over 6 months now without a
motion a statement tenants of N 12
replaced through cracks in the master ZHKO Indyukova. "(From a 
presentation) 

 "Please give me 20 rubles in honor of wages." (From the 
statement) 

 "The central warehouse has reinforced concrete bell 20 cubic 
meters., Unattended lies in heap. Remains of the superintendent 
BURMAKINA. "(From act)


 "The cost of spare parts to repair
household appliances and hours collected from
clients received by the warehouse on the invoice. "(From the 
Act) 

 "It is interesting that the language of whale length about
thirty feet and weighing about twenty
ton weighs 4,000 pounds. "(Newspaper" Caucasian health resort)

 "Rusakov AI July 1, 1981 went to
work. In the park near the plant to him something horrible in 
the eyes. He went to a health center. In the health center at 
Rusakov AI nothing found. July 2, AI Rusakov turned to the 
clinic, where they found foreign body and was given sick leave. 
" (From the Act)


 "This is a nurse who knows how to do
everything - so speaks of Sannikova senior clinical nurse, Anna 
A. Igrina. - It is so called - the sister of a wide profile. 
Take a patient - would bring about the end. "(Newspaper" 
Nefteyugansky worker ") 

 Plate. Tourists! 20.VI poizvoditsya change
laundry. Even changing rooms with odd. Administration "(in the 
tourist center) 

 "I'll start with some positive examples. After a critical 
article," For all s a pig, "published in

"Kalinin truth", chairman of the kolkhoz "activist" BA 
Protchenko was constantly helping the collective farmers to 
purchase piglets and feed. As a result, the number of pigs in 
the private farms that farm workers in the past year has 
doubled. "(Newspaper" Kalinin truth ") 

 "On the basis of liquefied natural gas established team 
anglers" (Newspaper "Lenin's words) 

 "The Commission GAI, being drunk, stripped the license period
from one year to 5 years and fined drivers
Chulkin VE of rayselhoztehniki, Tutykina SA with Shlakovskoy 
depot. "(Newspaper" Leninist ") 

 "In 1979, scheduled in the calculation of each cow commercial 
herd to get 108 calves. After reading these lines, some

can doubt the reality of what was said, and experts and 
milkmaids "Sunrise" this figure considered minimal. "(newspaper 
Orlovskaya Pravda) 

 "Diary of agricultural work.

  According to operational data management
Agriculture Regional Executive Committee, on the morning of 
March 19 to the wintering grounds of public livestock farming 
area brought up 56,211 tons of manure (70% to the job). "(The 
newspaper" The Banner of the Homeland ") 

 "The first were presented with a certificate of
childbirth Arcadia Gavrilovich and Galina Aneurolepidium in the 
family were born twin daughters, Irina and Marina, Oksana, 
Natalya, Tatiana, Julia Alexander, Dimitri, Dennis Roman, 
Eugene - beautiful names were kids. " (Newspaper "Kama nov)


 Club of voters at the cannery
and did not cease their work. When it
dog lovers club activities
and women ... "(Newspaper" Michurinskaya true ")

 "I bring to your attention that Comrade.
Gelanenko VA issued a seine in a number ve
piece, for catching fish length 88 meters. "
(From the notice)

 "Comrades, man!
 Be brave, push women to the salon! "(Please specify in a 
crowded bus)


 "We raised this question point-blank and turned around its 
axis." (From the speech) 

 "With regard to my appearance, he said that the facility 
PMK-21, someone called and said:" What do you Fyokla me sent? 
"I'm sure that nobody on my address could not tell. I behave

on objects politely, as expected. Yuri
Pavlovich himself coined the word "Thekla"
to completely humiliate me and kill
morally. And he got his, I have
exactly one week can not look at myself in the
mirror, not to think that I Thekla. "(From the explanatory 
memorandum Assistant sanvracha) 

 "In the men's salons will give you courage." (Advertising 
hairdressing) 

 "Who's seen a goat with a flaky side,
with one horn, please inform the following address:
st. Labor, Building 11. If this man,
then get a bottle! If a woman is that
she wishes. Goat they call Maria Ivanovna, a black suit. Soon 
to be farrowed. "(Announcement) 

 "Hairstyles of the names" Sessun "," Garson "," Hope "is 
almost the same - differing only backwards." (Announcement in 
the barber shop) 

 "Shilov - a true fighter for justice, openly going to any 
compromises in reaching the truth." (The newspaper "Soviet 
Armavir) 

 "Winners!" Urgently also will appear near the podium for the 
ceremony. Not in a muzzle and not in form will not be rewarded. 
" 

 Plate. Participants! Carefully wipe
muzzle of saliva in order to facilitate inspection
dental system. "(Advertising at the exhibition
dogs)

 "Plan for the Elimination of staff offices
in case of fire "

 "Duck clean ... With a knife, gently separate the meat from 
the guests ..." (The newspaper "The Banner of Communism) 

 "The Palace of Culture" Metallurgist "held 7
February
 Small Hall. University of the future newlyweds. "On the 
essence and beauty of the relationship of the intending 
spouses."  February 8

 A large hall. In the 19 hours 30 minutes -
"My wife - a liar" in the formulation of the Udmurt musical 
theater "(Advertising Newspaper Week Udmurtia)



  "Rent vremyanka. Courtyard asphalt
water, the owner does not drink, and other
convenience "(from advertisement)

 "Due to the departure of a cow is sold with a stroller M-62

 "The cars on the list wagonload.
 Shipping Name: Sleeper new nepropitaya, length 2,75 m "

 "For the poor control of the installation wizard
electrical shop Mukhin NA umenschit for the month of April by 
20% (Of Order) 

 "Girl with beef feet, approach
the counter "(Replica barmaid)

"Announcements. On May 8, Bath will be a mutual (male and 
female)." 

 "The evidence is not murder." A screen adaptation of the novel 
by Rudolf Bartsch "Man on the hill." (Sputnik moviegoers)


 'Wash, bathe in a bath purchased in
box office ticket is allowed no more than one hour. "(in the 
bath) 



     An integrated reception center

     produced goods for sale

     at reduced prices:


     Stoker

     CARPENTER

     HEAD OF THE SPIRIT. ORCHESTRA

     CHECK THE MASTER

     Bricklayer

     ELECTRICIAN

     Malaria Plasterer

     Tiler-OBLITSOVSCHIK

     Orators ORGANIZER FUNERAL



      (Bulletin board mill

         Consumer Services)



        Headquarters

        Catering

        Moscow City


        ----------------------

                 Tea

             without Zahara

           lemon and welding


        ___ 0 __ p. __ __ 4 cop.



          (Price list in the dining room)


 "Citizens who have died at home rather than in a hospital, 
must apply themselves to the medical agencies for help with the 
death. Gorzags is not obliged to walk, to identify the dead on

the house. "(From the written testimony of the head of registry 
office) 

 "Dear comrades, the passengers! Request
do not litter, do not smoke, do not lie on the sofa, use 
automatic camera store. "(Declaration on the station Radio) 

 "Delivery people on the exhibition and sale."
(From the reference to the route sheet)

 "For Sale apiary and pchelovodinventar. (From advertisement)

 "Feeding a calf house standing near walls,
and feed the calves have to ask a
ass. "(From speech)


                        "Head shop

                             by Polunin


             EXPLANATORY

 I have not worked 14 to 17 November 1878, because traveling 
with a friend in the village Kremenkul, climbed with him in the 
cellar Braga and could not get out there four

of the day. "

 "As a result, the full payment for
the resulting offspring, and its safety with seven people (four 
calves at 2 months of age and three calves in the age of one 
month). "(From the act of revision) 



             Friendly guys

               with jam


               0 p. 06 k.


          (Price list in the store)

 Traktor he's always on the go: an extra
just do not smoke, do not sit down, check
whether all correctly. "(The newspaper" Dawn of Communism)

 "Entrance N 3.
 Brownie Comrade. Malov. "(Plate)

 "From 12 to 17 October this year in the dash
is shooting for school children
staggered. "(Announcement)

 "For Sale stone house for firewood" (Announcement)

 "... After all, people - like the battery. They
need each other warm. "(From a radio broadcast)

 "Eat and get out of himself" (Ad
table)

 "Went to work table. At the kiosk will be three hours." 
(Advertisement Stallman) 

 "Deputy. Director point to poor organization on the timely 
organization Accidents ZHKO. "(From the Order)




         From the school essay

         --------------------
 He took cologne and choked the client.

 VI Chapaev was born in 1795 in search of better lives.

 "The old woman Izergil consists of three
parts, and all of them opposed a
another.

 Chichikov different good-looking, but uncomfortable inside.