Principles of creating electronic magazines. .HARMFUL ADVICE
After reading the title, do not rush to immediately scream in a heart-rending voice:
' }%*0 !!! He decided to teach us!!! |-I() !!! How impudent!?!
Business croaker!!! С=}.-'{( !!! '...and so on, since I
I'll tell you: the local article is also someone's criticism, but
whose, I won’t say, so as not to deprive you of the joy of thinking...
(just don’t yell afterwards: “A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!!! Nonsense-i-i-i
!!! There was no such thing!!!" - it was, it was... I saw it myself...)
Preface.
'Antosha loved to teach everyone...'
Over the past 20 centuries, a huge number of
electronic magazines. Unfortunately, many of them do not have
absolutely no value, leaving these discs usable
only for testing Soviet disc jockeys in the 'F0RMAT' mode at 40
path on one side, 40.5 on the other, b4 paths on the outer end
disk and 12 from internal.
Well, since now every first settlement has
theirpatriots who want to concoct a magazine to glorify
their native Zasmradrischipinsky collective farm, but they don’t know how to draw,
neither program nor write music, but only capable
unpack licensed floppy disks with a can opener, then
here you will read a lot of criticism, useless things,
tips and examples that you can apply when creating
your own, super-killer, super-informative magazine, why
now it's fashionable.
Characteristic.
The article is intended for a user with a pancake eater, since the creation
magazine on cassette is so simple and easy that you don’t even have enough
write about this matter. Optional configuration for the reader of this
nonsense:
1. Computer (typewriter case, roll of clothesline or
wire, toggle switches or levers (in extreme cases, buttons));
2. Black and white TV 'Chaika', with a 'Gold Star' sticker;
3. One discovolt (postal envelope made of plywood);
4. Fasting block, eating a ton of meat and 12 kilovolts of filler
for fleatoilet.
5. Shanga with this article in licensed water packaging
impenetrable dirt (light - 5$ or black - 7$ color) with
a unique system for removing stench from clean air by
filtering through the buyer's nasal nostrils. Moreover !!! If
you want to smell real, high-quality products (8 s
half channel 1b-bit stereo stink with trumpet
drive on 3 resistors), then it is enough to purchase a configured
fee for a small payment (you give us an odorous substance,
which you would like to enjoy and 13$, and we will give it to you
device).
b. You yourself, although not necessarily, have at least one eye, one
ear, and at least two noses for high-quality processing
misinformation. It would be very nice to have at least one hand with
at least with one finger, but in this case there’s not much in the noses
clean it up, because you still have to leaf through the text. It would also be nice
the presence of teeth for gnawing nails, hands, elbows and snot.
Psychological barrier.Many people think that creating magazines is a very
painstaking and is a secret behind seven seals. I hurry you
dissuade that this is so. It's quite difficult at first, of course.
has to, but having acquired the necessary skill, you will be able to produce
3-4 magazines per week.
Required knowledge.
Of course, to 'make' magazines you need to have skills
programming a tape recorder via BASIC. Mandatory are
knowledge of such very useful languages as 'C', 'Shchi', 'Pascal',
'Fort', 'Bolt', 'UNItaz' by HiSoft. Be able to turn on the computer
connection to the network is not as important as working with a washing machine, which
It will be useful to you in the future.
It won't hurt you to learn assembler either. For this you
you need to purchase the appropriate literature. Best fit
book 'How to write a game in assembly language'. You are finally in it
learn to use GENS to browse the disk catalog, and
find out what yours is calledSpectrum computer in English
language.
Where is the salty dog buried???
And it’s buried under a trough (under the brain-protective canteen
bone). What stages can the creation of a magazine be divided into?!
Of course, for the creation and distribution itself. Let's start from the end...
DISTRIBUTION.
Let's imagine that your magazine is ready (there's no harm in dreaming)
and it needs to be 'released to the masses'. If you are a trader, then there is no problem,
and if you sell not discs, but kefir, then you can seal
bottles with discs of your magazine and charge double the price. If
you are not a seller at all, then you can sell a magazine to a seller, but if
he doesn't buy, give it to him for free, but don't forget to steal from
distributor of a couple of disks - then you will be provided
slow and painful death (how do you like the prospect
be fried in the refrigerator or stretched in the toilet after
of being soaked in Tide with its sticky system?! So
It’s better not to steal the disks...) You can also put them on the tram
wheels in passengers' pockets (notforgetting to make room there
from all sorts of papers).
Having distributed the magazine, you can start making it...
CREATION OF A JOURNAL.
Having read in the papers 'How to make a game...', you already understood
(if not, then re-read until you understand) what is most important
the game has a name, i.e. name According to this name there should be
It’s clear what the magazine is about, whose it is, and so on.
For example:
- You live in the village of Bryulyakopytino, you work as a groom,
smoke 'Prima', keep pigs, then the magazine should be called 'ZX-
Brulyakopytinsky smoking horse pig' or 'Primakolokhozny horse thief'
or 'Horse's life in the Brüläprimapera pig factory' or 'Rural
horse pig - MAGAZINE'.
So we came up with a name... Now we need to draw it. For
this is enough to bring it out with the BASIC command - 'Print ~magname~
- where Prynt is the BASIC_3.138 operator (Tashotbek version
Kchirimjabora is soft&hard), and ~magname~ is the name of your store.
But if you want to achievepopular recognition in
geofixmaking, then you can load ART-STUDI0 and draw
the name firewood and rafts (emphasis on the 2nd syllables), although for
For more functionality, it’s a good idea to turn on Bright Grid 1. It will turn on
attribute grid, hinting at Ami effects. Don't be surprised
then letters from fans of your graphic art, and
No need to thank me...
Still, there is a way for 'real' hackers to distinguish themselves.
To do this, you need to click the magic button on the screens, pull out
from there the letters and concoct a name from them.
Animation.
Animation must be present in the magazine.
It's very easy to make. Take some magazine that is not yours and well
crush pictures... Then you drive them, for example, into 'ANIMATI0N' or
'MULTIPLICAT0R' and that's it. The cartoon is ready. It won't be possible to attach it
labor, but if you couldn’t, then ask someone to do it
do it and don’t forget to pay such a master money for the service.
Of course, if you are such a whirlwind that you can deduce
picture on the screen from the review, then you can use these pictures
push it onto the monitor yourself. Canhighly recommend
original way of displaying screenshots - with attributes (from left to right,
from top to bottom, circle, square, oblique, toe) or
ldir - you will have every right to say that you have FULL
SCREEN ANIMATI0N.
MUSICAL DESIGN.
Little will be said on this topic. Rustling noises have a great influence on
human psyche. One cannot argue with this. This is clear. If
If a person does not hear sounds for a long time, he will go crazy. The most
easy - steal muses from packages such as PRO-TRACKER, ASM,
having previously remade the samples and ornaments, although not
necessarily. You can magic the megadem and pull out noises from there,
but then the ungrateful may throw bricks and bottles at you
coders.
If you are familiar with the local patriot Mozart, then you can
harness writing music. To help, you can sing to him
anything. The following melody is permitted:
Byzh-byzh-byzh la-la-la zilch dyn-dyn bam and so on...
For digital music, your rating will jump very high.
Here again there are two ways: pull it off, and write it yourself.If you write
yourself, then the samples can be digitalized using the necessary application software
grams. The richest variety of noises can be found in
toilet. It is enough to digitize percussion instruments there, like
You can create a very cool composition.
0 WHAT TO WRITE IN A MAGAZINE.
In order not to seem like a thief, come up with original names
for columns, otherwise they will accuse you of theft. For example, a category
dedicated to the split games called 'TV' where you will
publish descriptions from other people's magazines SOLON, VA PRINT, and
other pieces of paper full of decrepit and thoroughly rotten
information on outdated games. Publish short stories in the section
'brain riot', and call interviews 'interrogation';
You can interview some local
software distributor who sold two meters of magnetic tape with
recording test programs and examples of operator work
BASIC 'Border'. But if there is no one to interview, then you can
interview yourself. In it you ask yourself
questions like:'How did you come up with the idea of creating a
electronic publication based on the ZX-SPECTRUM computer based
processor of the English company ZILOG living in England, but to
unfortunately lost almost all of the old composition and formed
a new HR company?', the following questions need to be answered:
'You see, in our village not long ago there was
manifestation of information and physical hunger. So I decided -
why not create YOUR OWN magazine, the purpose of which would be
communication, knowledge transfer, uniting users of our
favorite computer based on a microprocessor from an English company
'ZILOG' living in England and showing such great promise...'
The next question to ask is:
'What are your plans for the future, regarding the continuation of the publication
your magazine under your leadership?'
Answer: 'Well, I intend to continue releasing THE ONE
magazine in our village under my leadership, and using
I would like to say hello to my sponsors, without whose support
I don't think it's possible to create a journal. So hi:
Distillery number 17, and Wine shop 28,to the sellers of this store (how is my credit?), to visitors:
Peter/ALKASH group (you're in kind, give me the glass!), Fedya/Main
organizer of ALKASH group (hold on Fedor, I’ll be with you soon
to interview), Efrosy / from there (I’m offended at you because
because last time you poured yourself 200 grams more),
hello to my main distributor - Pomojka Disribrodings,
also greetings goes to all the tractor drivers of our village, who
they gave me a lift home from the pub. Returning to what was printed I want
to inform you that work is currently underway on a game that promises to become
super hit of the century!!! There will be: wonderful music from Efrosiya on
built-in music board 'Beeper', graphics downloaded from Amiga
4000+, digital voices of hamsters (the game takes place in
the Middle Ages, where you need to raise flea plantations,
harvest from them, protect them from killer hamsters, and also you
there are a lot of surprises waiting for you...) and a lot of super modern gadgets
(support for black and white TV alone is worth it!!! And
Keyboard support and power supply are none
feasible bells and whistles!!!) and devices (if you have
sewing machine 'Singer', then playing will be a real pleasure for you
heaven!!!). By the way, the magazine’s editors are looking for good writers:
(to come up with a plot for a game about the Middle Ages, where the user
necessaryplant flea plantations, harvest from them, and
protect them from killer hamsters), a coder capable of all this meat
code and artist with Amiga 4000+ and image converter
Amig>ZX. Apart from these minor personnel issues, the game
almost completely ready at 0.99 percent.
Question: Recently, the Amiga problem has been very popular,
which shocked the world four desperate people in a small
California town, creating something completely
amazing.....(purchase a complete statement of the question at
licensed audio cassettes from the company Pomojka Disribrodings), and what
do you think about this?
Answer: !!!!....!!!!!....!!!!! RULEZ!!!!....FOREVER!!!!!...
Waste!!!!.... Yeah!!!!.... But...!!!! .... They're coming!!!! ...
They get impudent!!!.... They get crazy!!!.... Nothing!!!... Right in the face!!!
Ha!!!!... They are afraid!!!!.... Of course!!!! That's it!!!! Class !!!
By the way, what is this 'amiga', huh?!
* * * * * * *
New programs.In 'News' you should write about new programs received
to your village. For example:
- Wow!!!! From the company Pomojka i'Disributerbrodaming
finally there is a full version of the game 'Prince of Pension' + 12
levels!!!! It should be noted that we were the first to have this
wonderful toy!!! We were the first!!! Moscow and St. Petersburg
got it after us!!! Don't forget this!!! We are rulez!!!!
But do not forget that you only need to describe your programs
'roof', otherwise she won't sell your magazine. And programs
coders from other cities should be given little space, called names
'typical', 'the next rework', 'dead programs', 'no one
unnecessary', 'outdated (they say we made the same one a long time ago,
only much better)' and generally scold them in every possible way.
If you are lucky and someone Fedya from your village wrote 0C,
then you will have an excellent opportunity to increase the volume (and
price...) of your magazine, by opening a new section,
illuminating this brilliant creation.
For example:'FeD0S' : The Story of Fedos
Fedos for users
Fedos for programmers
Fedos news
Fedos's story: here the author of the new system must give
thirsty users for detailed information on the history of creation
Fedos. They say it all happened by accident when Fedka was drunk
broke Petka's ribs, and out of fear he wrote (?) a system, and Fedya
it was stolen from him.
Fedos for users: And here write 'You need a convenient and
a simple environment for working on the Spectrum? Then this system is for
you! It almost does not require reworking the computer (all you need is
add a three-phase clock demodulator with PLL. Scheme
can be purchased from ALKASH group), works with TV,
electricity and a light bulb.' Load users with all sorts of
terms, which will undoubtedly increase your rating. Here's an example:
'Today we will learn how to work with NCLAFELLBMNFFXHXFWXVKW- (that's me
vacuumed the keyboard) -tables.'
Fedos for programmers: Try to convince coders
work in this system. Announce a competition to adapt a famous
games to the system, with payment of rewards. If they don't move,
then open the 0C architecture. For example:
'Data is stored on magnetic tape, which in turn
wound on the disk in several layers (High Density). Original
tape format (as in MS-DOS) makes the system autorun (but
only with 'RUN' command). Sectors on the tape are located in random
nom order and have an individual number. Multi-directory
The tape file system allows recording on a tape disk up to
128 and a half files, which is an order of magnitude more than in TR-DOS.'
Fedos news: Here tell us about Fedos's new products:
'Finally, a new assembler for FeD0S has been released - Fedos-Assembler,
as close as possible to the concept of an ideal assembler (one
only help takes up 500 kB). Due to the introduction of some functions,
previously not encountered in any assembler, for any type
computers, for normal operation of Fedos-Assembler it is required
installation of a special coprocessor FAS-58b-DX3, developed by
which is currently being carried out by specialists from the ALKASH GROUP company.
'Super tape formatter on9 times, left after our responses
users about the inconvenience of working with the formatter 8 times.'
'Finally a super database has been released with 25b levels of protection against
reading. The peculiarity of this program is that through it you can
easily manage the expedition to the planet 'Yidrep 13'.'
Letters from your readers.
Having seen all the shamefulness of your magazine, they will not write to you,
(except critical letters) so write letters to yourself
(it’s clear that under other people’s names). For example:
- The editors of our magazine received a letter from the government
Chukotka Trade Union of Garbage Workers. We bring him with our
comments in brackets:
Dear publishers and readers of your magnificent
magazine (Not bad... but it should be noted that we already know that
our magazine is the best in the world. It must be clarified that everyone else
Magazines compared to ours are lame crafts. No wonder everything
more and more users recognize our magazine as 'Best')
see the continuation in the next comment).
Our union governmentcan't imagine now
stopping nuclear testing on North Pole mosquitoes, and
also stopping the harassment of pack beetles, without
bringing them very useful and sanitary work without
your non-interference, just a very good (!) magazine, so
to say the only (and thank God) magazine of its kind in
everyone, you know, in the world! So the entire Chukotka trade union is sending you
hello and says to your magazine: Rulezb next!!!
(C) With respect, 'Chukchi soft', however.
P.S. Tsaming sun: transfer from Oi-Bi-eMa of the oak-shaped game: 'Scimitar'
Pecheneg', as well as megadem to ENLIGHT - 'Chukchi in the plague II or
Return of Doomsday'.
If you do receive a real letter where you are subjected to
unfair (in your opinion) criticism, then be sure to give
comment (or maybe more than one) in which you call a person,
who sent this letter, with all sorts of obscene phrases like:
a newbie, businesslike as a sparrow in a trash heap; or: lamer, not a byte
not knowledgeable about programming; incompetent, etc.
Call him first name, and if criticismis true, then shoot it down
confuse readers by placing a comment after every 4 words
(you can find examples in domestic magazines). If you have
you don’t have enough strength, then call your friends, and if they don’t give a damn
understand computers, then this is even better - the angrier they will be at
attacks on the critic. If you are afraid of them ridiculing you, then send
some gift for him.
Programming.
Every self-respecting magazine should teach people
programming in Assembly, or even BASIC... For this
it is enough to slowly reprint the three-volume Inforcom and
remind you that the Spectrum ROM is stitched with BASIC, and write
You need the program in Gens. And in the following issues prove that you
there are no camels there, i.e. lamers and wanted to say that in the ROM -
Gens, but you need to write programs in BASIC. Completely confused
Once done, close the topic by explaining that it is not relevant.
Advertising.
In this section write:- 'New systems and games only from our sponsors - Pomojka
i'Disributeraming!!!' Among them you are offered:
Gens 5 - New version of this shadow macro assembler,
about which the Polish hacker Peter Brzyza spoke so well,
disk version for 'Dubn', 25B byte RAM disk, wonderful
multi-window interface adopted by IBM.
C0L0R LINEZ is the best remake of this to date
great game from IBM. The game takes up an entire disk
wonderful image of balls downloaded from BC, cartoon screensavers
at the end of each level, and during the game - music such
sophisticated music makers, like Mozart soft, Bach Digital Systems
and others. Buy our programs and you won’t regret it!!!
'Do you want to purchase licensed copies of our magazine?! And not
get it!!! Unless of course you buy from their company 'Pomojka...';
'Together with branded packaging, you can for an additional fee
purchase the floppy disk itself, and for another additional payment we will wrap
floppy disk in a festive wrapper of our beloved
sponsor!'.'Our creative group buys copyrights for 2,700 rubles
game rights. A special fee (2701 rubles) will be used
licenses for games like 'UFO' If the amount seems small to someone -
Please note all the money will go towards the development of our supercomputer
'Dubn'.
'Message from the Kizyak Incorporated retail chain:
In the near future, our company’s employees are preparing to release
and connecting the following devices to our computer:
- light pencil with a resolution of 24*32 acquaintances;
- capstone steering wheel - a very convenient joystick for fans
cycling simulators. Feel like a winner
bicycle rally 'Paris-Bryulyakopytino-Beijing'!!!;
- INTEL PENTIUM microprocessor (feel like a human!),
which will significantly improve the performance of your
computer to IBM 28b;
- accelerator board for turbocharging resonant-frequency characteristics
characteristics of the quasi-electronic module of the dipolar bottler.
Strategy and policy.Now we get to the most important part. Your strategy
behavior must be practiced in advance because it creates
image of your magazine. At the mere mention of its name, people
associations should arise with this word about authors like
'lamers', 'scum', 'squeezers'.
Having come up with 'Pacman', hint in a magazine that the game is
pure Doom, although it only has one UDG wall symbol, and
the names of monsters and their detailed descriptions are stolen from DUKE
NUKEN.
You must support only one computer. For example if
you have 'Dubn' (do not be offended by users of this wonderful
computer, it’s just that this was the first thing that came to my mind, because it’s very
good car... ;-), then you should praise him without ceasing,
while throwing mud at all other computers.
You must only support your own software.
cities, praising themselves and scolding others.
Respond to criticism with arrogant, empty phrases. Let the critics
they know who is the boss of the magazine.
If you are afraid of being attacked again by a hacker, then
give him some useful thing with efficiency like paper
floppy disk envelope. Even though it won't save you... It doesn't matter
evilzombies, dead people and hackers will write to their local
publications of incriminating material and incriminating hints.
The magazine interface can be ripped off from others, and if you
accused of unoriginality and theft, then answer that this
the interface is recognized all over the world and users all over earth
Sharika is not overjoyed to work with him; or write that this
the interface seems to you the only one, the most convenient, and having
every reason to outperform you. If you want to do great
original interface, but you can’t come up with it, then here you go
example: The names of the categories are written on the border upside down on the right
to the left in Chinese characters, and the sections themselves must be selected,
by typing Bunin's poem into the command line using
words indicating the name of the desired section, followed by
enter the password - Pushkin's story 'The Snowstorm' in reverse, i.e. starting
from the end of the text, you enter its last letter, then decrease
character number by 1 and type another letter... Undoubtedly for
the originality and ease of working with the magazine will give you a B
even your competitors are a plus, who will finally recognize your
existence and 'will reach out with offers of friendship and
cooperation'. And if they still ignore your
existence, then you write to competing magazines that the magazine is good
them, and the interfacerather weak... He is far from Bzhizamokotypotin
Magazin!!! Weaklings, you can see right away...
Don't forget to periodically praise sponsors, 'friends' and
the creators of your Frankenstein computers. Not
doubt it, they will look at you favorably and maybe
They’ll say: “They’re not bad suck-ups, these are the kind of people we should advertise.”
goods, and ruin competitors. I'll have to give it to them sometime
one of my left computers, so that your efforts are not in vain, because
the guys worked hard.'
Of course, do not allow articles with glitches and
shortcomings of your magazine and computer, or better yet, encourage
'glorious beginnings' of their creators.
It would be nice to arrange a
competition with a good prize - a three-phase LED in a branded
packaging and sponsor logo. Just don't give away the prize
winners from another city or at least region. It's better to give it away
his friends or colleagues from the sponsor's company. Better yet, leave it
him for himself, and write in a magazine - they say he won the competition Drum from
Mongolia.
to his friends or colleagues from the sponsor's company. Better yet, leave it
him for himself, and for the magazinewrite - they say the Drummer from won the competition
Mongolia.
EPILOGUE.
In principle, there is enough advice here for writing a journal, but
If you still don’t understand anything, then medicine is powerless here.
Still, have a conscience, don’t do such anti-utopian things
menacingly chaolite, politically sassy, dark-colored, bad-smelling
publications with a warty nose in the Turkic-Manchu language or
Swahili. This will only give rise to ridicule and threats from the outside.
critics and critics and exclusion from the list of gritins...
PS: All matches of names, surnames, geographical and other names
consider it random, and do not accept unambiguous hints
too close to the heart.
* * * * * *
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│ (C) Doom op 01/12/97 at 00:19, dark night/Nizhny Tagil │
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