Humor - Tales about ass.

 TALES ABOUT ASS 

 I 
SEPARATE ASS 

     - I know what your problems are, -
said Don Juan, “You have an ass, and that’s
makes you nervous.
     “No, don Juan,” I objected, “
I don't have any ass. My objection is
very solid from my point of view,
made him burst out laughing.
     - Well, why not, when there is, -
he objected in a tone that brooked no objection.
He patted me on the shoulder condescendingly and
said: “But don’t despair.” Your ass
no better and no worse than others. We are all human and
everyone has an ass.  Having an ass is ours
fate as people. You might think that
Magicians have no ass, but this is nonsense. This
complete nonsense. Magic doesn't get rid of ass,
on the contrary, it makes it bigger and
more vulnerable.
     He hasn't finished talking yet, and I'm already
knew that he was right.  Yes, everything was exactly
just like he said: my ass got in my way
all my life. How could it be that I
didn't notice this? In a surge of gratitude
I leaned over and kissed don Juan on the
ass. He smiled with satisfaction.
     - I have to tell you something else,
before leaving your ass, -said
he - this is important now. Genaro hid
car keys in your ass, but you don't
noticed this - after all, they weren’t in yours
ass, which means they are not for you
existed at all.
     My amazement was irresistible
description.
     - Is this possible, don Juan? -
I asked.
     - Nothing is impossible for
a person who is one with
with his ass,” he answered, “for a man,
whose thoughts, feelings, desires are
deep, deep in the ass, get rid of
which even death cannot achieve.

 II 
 SONG OF ASS 

     When I next came to
don Juan, I discovered that he had already
waiting for me, sitting on one of the old
boxes.   He didn't respond to my greeting
responded and didn’t even turn his head
my side.  It looked like he was sleeping with
with open eyes.  This picture led
I am in great anxiety, and I
As soon as he jumped out of the car, he began with all his might
strength to kick yourself with your right heel
left knee.   It was a warrior's dance
which don Juan taught me one of the
previous conversations.
     My fear was so great that I
continued this dance until I felt
acute pain in the kneecap. Then I'm in
exhausted, he sank onto the next box.
However, don Juan remained silent. I was in
panic.  My eyes were already ready
tears began to roll down when suddenly there was a
a sound reminiscent of the sound of tearing fabric. B
at that very second the air around was filled
an unbearable stench that is difficult
convey in words.  I looked at the don
Juana.  He was shaking with silent laughter,
buttoning up his pants.
     “Just now,” he explained, “you
observed the action of a magical ritual,
which the magicians of ancient Mexico called
"silence of the ass."
     I was not yet able to say
even a word and only pointed to the thin
a stream of liquid feces flowing from my
pants legs on the sand.
     - You are desperately indulging, -
don Juan laughed. Then he added: -
Every time you defecate
involuntarily, you give away part of your
awareness to the eagle.
     These words shocked me.
     - But don Juan - you've done more
more.  I've never seen one like this in my life
huge pile!
     Indeed, under don Juan's box
a whole mountain of shit was dark.
     “Yes,” he agreed, “but this
the heap was part of my warrior intention, besides
well, as I already said, I was only studying
that the practice of silence is an ass.
     - What is this? - I asked.
     -This is what I was going to talk to
you today.
     Don Juan further explained that any
a warrior must learn, as he put it,
"listen to the song of your ass."  For this
it is necessary to stop the internal dialogue and
concentrate on the sensations in the anal
holes.  Soon there will be a vibration there,
resembling the results of an action
vibrating massager for single men. I
exclaimed that this action is just for me
it's easy to imagine what don Juan is very
coldly asked me not to interrupt him
explanations.
     After that, he continued, the vibration
begins to spread in slow waves across
throughout the body, smoothly transitioning into music,
reminiscent of the quiet singing of the wind.  This
singing, according to don Juan, is
song of the ass.
     “Great magicians of antiquity,” said
he - mastered the art of explaining with
with the help of your ass.
     - How did they do it?
     - They moved the assemblage point to
dream state and allowed their
the dream body floats on the waves of melodies
your ass.  Every magician's ass had
her own, unique timbre,
pitch and frequency. Sounds that
the ass of ordinary people emits when
removes gases that actually accompany
a person's entire life, from birth to
death, and even after it. Ancient magicians
discovered thisthe circumstance when they
I had to hold the point for a long time
assemblies in the very center of the anus. To catch
these fluctuations are equally necessary
perfect hearing, as perfect
vision that allows one to understand the true
picture of the world.
     - Therefore, if my ass
silent... - I began.
     “...then don’t believe it,” the don finished
Juan.  - After all, in fact, your ass -
unique instrument, on valves
which the Universe traces with its fingers
the great melody of life.

 III 
 TRIP TO THE ASS 

     - Today we will talk about the most important things
concept in magic - about the ass, - said the don
Juan.
     His words, as always, caught me
taken by surprise.
     - What the hell, don Juan?  - mine
the reaction probably looked comical,
because don Juan immediately fell on
floor, hitting my head on the one I brought
box with canned food, and rolled, making
unnatural sounds.  Once again I
tried to determine what they meant
- laughter or hellish pain from a bruise, but how
I always couldn't.
     Half an hour later, don Juan got up and no matter how
nothing happened and continued the conversation.
     - Not about which one, but whose! - he corrected
me.
 There was a pause.  Don Juanwaited from
I have a question. I realized the situation and gave up.
and, frowning, muttered:
     - So whose is it?
     - About yours!  - don Juan exclaimed and
burst out laughing.  Five minutes later he
returned to the conversation.
     - You know, we all have asses, but not
everyone is aware of this. Shamans of ancient Mexico
always paid great attention to the ass.
Thanks to them, we, the new seers,
We have a truly unique treasure -
knowledge about the existence of ass and about
how to use it to move the assemblage point.
Although, it is worth noting that the magicians paid
high price for this knowledge. The very first
none of them suspected at all
the existence of your ass. They thought that
the world is one big ass.
Then came the era of ancient magicians. These
let's move on - they already knew that the ass
there is y every living creature, including
number and y person. But they confused the ass with
point and therefore soon fell into a trap.
Since they put all their energy into
achieving unity with the point, which
was just an energy shadow
real ass, then ass over time
transformed into something completely
unsuitable.  And the moment came when everything
the ancient magicians flew into the ass.  There they are
By the way, they are still wandering, unable to
find a way back.
     - What did the new seers do? -
I asked the don impatientlyJuana.
     - Take your time, Carlitos!  You yourself
you know the answer.  Now I want you
stopped my internal dialogue and
intended to remember that I
told you about the ass.
     We left the house and settled down in
twenty-five kilometers from it, on
high hill.   Here you always have me
managed to stop my inner
dialogue.  Either this was such a place, or
I'm just really tired of the cool stuff
rise.  When I fell silent, before my eyes
a familiar picture immediately surfaced - an ass
don Juan. She smiled at me and I felt
with my whole body, how she loves me. Then
there was a failure, after which the don's ass
Juana came back and took me to some
establishment.  And only then did I remember everything.
Of course, the toilet is on the bus station
stop in Chiyaya, the place where
our first meeting with Don took place
Xyahom. I remembered how we bumped noses
to the nose near the sixth cabin, and how with
from the very first second don Juan began introducing
me with the basic magical secrets of
ass. Every time I visited him,
he moved my assemblage point deep into his
ass and there he initiated me into great secrets
universe.  Later the Don got involved in this matter
Genaro.   Don Juan explained to me that
the intention of don Genaro's ass led him to
us, and my intentionass allowed
train me together with Don Xyahom. All
training, down to the smallest detail, I
I remembered now.  And it filled me up
inexplicable bliss. Well, of course, after all
was able to perform the most important maneuver
magicians - realize your ass.  And not
confusing it with either an ass, or an ass, or
anything else.    Now I have found
integrity.  Don Juan, before with a grin
looking at me, suddenly changed his face
and hastily said:
     - That's it, Carlitos!  My time is on this
The earth has come to an end. Ass of the Universe, oh
which you have yet to know is calling
me.    Goodbye!   Stay with your ass and
never forget about her - because it’s yours
the most important tool in life. After
this is why everything around sparkled, swirled,
and behind don Juan a huge
ass, which immediately swallowed up my
teachers. I was left alone on the top of the hill.
But now the loneliness was not sad,
after all, only now, after the don left
Juana, my journey as a lone warrior has begun.
A warrior who is one with his
ass.