Humor - Greetings on the answering machine.

 Greetings on answering machine 

 Great thing - ANSWERING AUTO! We have
this thing is still a novelty, but in the west
the public has been having fun with this for a long time
useful thing.  Here's to your attention
a selection of all kinds
answering machines.

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     The President is not here now.  Please
leave your name, phone number,
name of the country you want to go to
grab the secret code.

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 This is Jeff. You're not here right now, so I
I'll leave a message.

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     Space-time bubble
connected you to the line of the 23rd century.
Any message you leave will be
transferred to the future.

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     Hello.  Larry is not at home.  This
says his pet robot.   I don't
programmed to speak
phone, so leave a message and
Larry will get back to you as soon as he can.

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     Hello! You have reached 570-7599.
This is an answering machine.  You know what you need
do.

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     Me and my wife can't come over right now
to the phone, but if you leave your name
and we will find the number for you as soon as we finish.

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     Hello and welcome to
answering machine of the rich and great! Bob doesn't
might as well answer the phone now, because
that he is having a wonderful holiday on
French Riviera...

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     Try it!

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     [quiet, gloomy violin music on
background] Good afternoon. You called
242-9483.  At the moment we do not have
opportunity to respond, since we either
we chase or run away from bats.
Please leave a message...

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     Hello, this is Lloyd speaking. I would
I wanted to order a large pizza with extra
anchovies.

     [the one who calls - “FAQ?!”]

     Oh sorry, I must have made a mistake
number.
     [hangs up]

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     I'm at home now and checking who I need
called.  So start talking, and
if I also want to talk to you - I
I'll pick up the phone.  Otherwise what am I
can I tell you?

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 Well, you've reached us...
Leaveyour name, phone number and
message after the signal, and if it gives us
If you like it, we'll call you back.

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     This is David. Speak.

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     Hello. This is David. I'm pushing the buttons right now
on the phone, and as soon as I finish it right away
I'll go bye.  When I npochyb I
I'll listen to the messages.   You can leave
one thing...

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     Hello?
     [silence for a couple of seconds]
     Sorry, but he's not here right now. Leave
message him and he will call you back.

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     [woman recorded from "sex by
phone"]
     [Woman (romantic)]
     Hello... I'm Linda.  You know, sometimes
you feel so alone when you
fashion designer Sometimes I even have to...
     [You (interrupting this nonsense)]
     Come on, Linda. Give me this one
damn phone...
     [ask to leave a message]

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     [after the earthquake]
     Hello.  We'd be happy to answer this
call, but the phone was so jammed
rubble that we can't reach it
get to the bottom of it.  Leave a message and we will tell you
We'll call you back as soon as we get there
phone.

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     [music plays loudly in the background
plan]
     Hello?Just a second, I'll turn off the Mouzon.
     [receding footsteps, turning off the music,
silence, returning steps]
     Excuse me, hello, who is this?
.... Oh, hello!  Hmmm... uh...
anyway, you're talking to an answering machine, but
Please leave a message and I will tell you
I'll call you back when I arrive.

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     [Church music in the background.
Soft voice]
     Good afternoon, my child. This is George and
I'm ready to listen to your confession. Please indicate
your name, phone number and short
confession.  I'll call you back in order to
to sanctify you with censer. Amen.

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     This is Jack.  We are now... wait
second.
     [aside]
     Put your sister down.  LET UP YOUR SISTER
DOWN!
     [sound of glass breaking]
     Well... Again...
     [into phone]
     I'll call you back later.

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     Hello. I'm David's answering machine. And you
what?

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     You have called the Strategic Center
on Launching Nuclear Missiles. We can't
answer the phone right now, so
After the beep, leave your name, number and
goal, or group of goals. We will launch as
only we can. Have a nice day.

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     [Better in Darth Vader voice]
     Speak, worm!-+---------------------------------------
     [In Italian mafia accent]
     Zdarova. I am tiliphony to answer right now
magician Me and Guido push the corpse into the truck. I
I think we need to reduce it a little...
     [Aside]
     Hey Guido! Take a chainsaw!
     [On the phone]
     Well, you left the message anyway. If I
If I love him, I will find you. If not -
Guido will find you!
     [devious laugh]

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     [Music from Indiana Jones]
You called Tom's residence and
Jonah.  We can't go to the
phone because we are cleaning
refrigerator.  Leave your details after
beep and we will call you back later.
     [Music from "Indinana Jones"
continues until the beep]

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     Hello!  John's answering machine broke down.
This is his refrigerator. Please, tell me
slowly so that I have time to direct each
word in the freezer.

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     [kitten squeaks in the background]
     Installation answering this
message connected to 5000 volt
network, and fixed on a small
kitten. If you hang up before
leave a message, the installation will close the circuit
and fry the cat. The choice is yours...
     [Biiiiiiiiiiiiip]

-+---------------------------------------After the beep, introduce yourself and say
your phone number and indicate the location
where did you hide the money? I'll call you back
as soon as it is safe for you to leave
conspiracy.

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     Prepare for the Alpha Sonic Test
software version 1.05.
Countdown: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

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     You are tired.  Your eyelids have become heavy
like never before.   You feel sleepy.  you
temporarily lose your willpower and
ability to resist instructions.
When you hear the buzzer you will
ready enough to leave your
name, phone number and message.

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     This is a test.     This is a test
broadcast answering system.  This
just a check.

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     And now on our radio station we
Let's hear Anton's wonderful music
Dvorak. This is Beep's little known Serenade
sharp C minor.

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     Thank you for calling me. I
I can't answer the phone right now, so
after the beep, leave your name and number,
then tell us briefly about your childhood
also tell us what associations
arise from the words: orange...
mother...unicorn.. penis. I'll call you back
with my diagnosis as soon as I can.

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     I can't answer the phone because
that I'm in the basement and typing 20
dollar bills. If you need money,
or do you just want to look at mine
work, leave yours after the beep
coordinates and how much money you want
get.    If you are from Central
Treasury please ignore this
message.

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     I can't talk on the phone
because I have amnesia and I feel
talking to people like fools,
which I don't remember.   I will be very
I appreciate it if you leave after the beep
my name and tell me something from my
life. Thank you.

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     I can't answer the phone because...
At the moment, aliens are absorbing
my brain.   But you still leave
message and when one of the aliens
he will transform into me and he will call you back.

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     Okay, one more time... This is ours
answering machine.  And this message is on our
answering machine... Any questions?

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     [beep, beep, beep]
     You dialed phone number seven,
six, seven, one, two, four, three. This one
there was no numberdisabled and still working.
You can leave a message after
sound tone.

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     You called on a non-existent number
phone number.      Please
rotate your phone 90 degrees and
try again.

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     Thank you for your call to Sovetskoe
Embassy. Now KG... Uh, diplomats are not
can answer the call. Therefore after
capitalist whistle leave yours
coordinates and short description
state secrets that you want
sell.

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     The number you dialed is not
exists.  Multiply each digit by 1 and
try again.

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     You know who it is. We know it ourselves
where.  Leave it to you you know what you know
when.

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     This is not an answering machine.     This
telepathic reading installation
thoughts at a distance.   After the beep
think about your name, phone number and
the reason for this call, after which I will think
Should I call you back?

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