Humor - Guide: How to make a successful 3D shooter.

 Manual.
       How to make a successful 3D shooter

     1. When will you create the level?
secret laboratory of the Main Villain,
make sure you post
enough acid pools
(poison) with those let down over them
metal bridges.  This will create
the player is under the impression that the Main Villain is
well, just a real monster, because
forces his subordinates to work
poorly ventilated base filled
hazardous waste.      Try
emphasize the fact that about health
Nobody cares about subordinates at all.
The acid must certainly be
poisonous green color, simply because
if it is painted brown or
yellow color, no one will believe that she
may cause some harm.

     2. The Biggest Villain should always
have a distinctive feature: favorite
animal, speech impediment, strange clothes,
passion to solve all problems by force, and
other.

     3. Main Villains just love it
explain in detail your plans regarding
world domination.   To listen
detailed explanation, just go to
villain and press the "use" button.

     4. Once you have entered the base
enemy, the main entrance must
collapse behind you.

     5. All monitors and screens ondatabase
the enemy should display all sorts of nonsense, not
related to the game; or on the monitor
incomprehensible hieroglyphs should run (not
despite the fact that the enemies speak fluent
English)

     6. By placing additional
ammunition and items, make sure they are
lie as high as possible.  This will emphasize
realism of the game: if you had a box with
explosive missiles, you would never
would not put it on the floor so that the children
were the dog or neighbors able to get them?
Of course not. This is common sense.

     7. Money is completely useless. All
valuables are either just lying on the floor, or
is behind secret doors (except those
objects that lie as far as possible
above).

     8. By creating a large group of enemies,
place something near them
explosive object that would fly off
into the air when you shoot at it.  This
will add an element of "strategy" to the game.

     9. Somewhere, on some
level, you simply have to place a bridge,
which is broken or just doesn't work
properly, forcing the player to search
other ways.

     10. If the main character in the game has
partner (NPC) helping him, then he
should give as useless as possible
information.   So, for example, if you
standing in front of a destroyed bridge, your
your partner must inform you immediately
radio: "Oh! Looks like the bridge isn'tworks! You
must look for other ways!" (What ways
- should not be specified). The most chic thing is when,
after you die, your partner
tells you: "Oh! It looks like you just
killed!"

     11. The smaller the first aid kit, the less
she can restore her health.  This
happens because scientists cannot
place enough
magic healing dust into a small
a box.

     12. "Realism" in a shooter means
"If someone gets hit in the head, he immediately
dies," and nothing more.

     13. Despite the "realism", the main
the hero can easily carry 50
magazines with cartridges.

     14. If there is a
an object that blocks the path is always
there should be a ventilation vent nearby
mine.  Ventilation shafts must be
ALWAYS and ALWAYS of such a size that
a person could crawl through it calmly,
hung with a mountain of weapons.

     15. While jumping, the main character must
make a loud grunting sound, otherwise
the player will understand that pressing
the jump key is not just short-term
disables gravity in the game.

     16. There are only two types in the world
boxes: "big" and "really
large." They usually put in large boxes
small objects, such as syringes, and in
really big - a little big
size of the item, such as a store on
12 rounds.

     17. Unlike the main character,
Bad Guys can only keep one type
weapons.   You are the only person in
a universe that can hold more,
than one "gun". On the other hand, the Bad
The guys have an endless supply of ammo.

     18. Bad guys always have
"experimental prototype of super-weapon"
which is strictly classified.  Despite
that this weapon is not finished yet, it
always works, causing huge damage
to the enemy.  "Strictly classified" means
that the prototype is behind the iron door
or a wall of laser beams, the key to
which is located at
a huge-guy-in-scars-with-a-rocket-gun.

 19. Bad Guys with Heavy
weapons weapons are ALWAYS thick and
clumsy and their appearance says "I'm fat,
I'm proud of it and love to wear it on my naked body
metal plates."    Ratio
the size of the weapon and the weight of the Bad Guy
always strictly proportional.

     20. Bad Guys with Heavy
weapons always follow the procedure:
fire five rockets, run in circles,
waving your arms like an idiot, repeat
again.

     21. Remember that gun manufacturers
always make enough
cartridges only for the weakest weapons.
Really, who needs a gun?
which kills everyonein one shot?

 22. Standard grenades never
no one is killed the first time (except
you, of course).

     23. For a 3D shooter to be successful, it must
there must be toilets.

     24. There are only three types in the world
people: Good Guys (us), Bad Guys
(they) and the Civilians who are running
in circles and shouting: "please don't kill
me!"

     25. Despite the fact that the player seems
how one should not shoot at Civilians,
your responsibility is to do your best,
so that he wants it as much as possible
do just that.

     26. The government is ALWAYS bad.

     27. Aliens want to destroy the Earth
most likely because they were brought to
crazy flashing red and green
lights on their spaceships.  All
alien cabins must contain,
at least five different colors
light sources.  This will create a "special
atmosphere."

     28. Bad Boys for Real
cruel (or just idiots). They will
stand still while you kill
their comrades standing nearby.

     29. It’s stupid to think that one person doesn’t
can kill 80 enemies within an hour.

     30. If the main character is a dick
secret anti-terrorism
organization, it should not be equipped
beam weapons. If youthere are bad bazookas -
the main character must reach them with
rifle. If the bad guys have rifles -
the hero must have a gun. If you
bad guys guns - the hero must
come out against them with a tree branch or
a slightly sharpened playing card.

     31. Bad Guys' Dogs Have This
the same level of intelligence as their owners.
They just move faster.

     32. "3D shooter with challenging
puzzles" means "to climb
higher, you should put one box
to another."

     33. Bad Guys can't swim.
This is the rule.

     34. All women should have a big one
breast size and walk the streets only in
bikini   Ugly women exist
only in other countries.

     35. NPC important to the plot
(pop player character) you can't kill
(before time) no weapons.

     36. If you must protect an NPC for now
he performs some critical
important task (for example, launches
reactor), then, at normal levels
difficulty, the NPC must die immediately
only the Bad Guys will even look at
him.  (If you are playing at a high level
difficulty, the NPC must attack first
you, and then commit suicide).

 37. Despite the development of technology,
cyborgs still talk the same
idioticin an artificial voice, like
robots in the 1960s.

     38. Bad Guys can either shoot,
or run away, but NEVER do it
at the same time.   Badly wounded, Bad
The guy will run in the opposite direction
in your direction, and if at this time
stumbles upon some object, then
will run in place.

     39. Explosives always flash in front
how to explode.    This is the measure
precautions.   Which, however, is not
refers to the Bad Guys because they
too stupid.

     40. Bad Guys are terribly brave. How
also explain the fact that, having seen
the main character, they immediately rush at
him without even thinking about
fire from cover.   That's right,
Only cowards are covered.

     41. Any item has only two
states: "broken" and "not broken yet"
(except for those items that cannot be
break).

     42. You can destroy only the most
useless objects - tables, chairs,
toilets, baskets.

     43. Walls that can be destroyed
always have cracks. If you shoot from
flare guns on a wooden door - she didn't
will be destroyed if there was no
cracks

     44. The game must have
gravitational anomalies near stairs. How
Otherwise explain the fact that the two most
difficult things in the game areclimb on
ladder and get off it.

     45. Climbing the stairs, chief
the hero can recharge at the same time
bazooka.  Let everyone see how cool he is
guy.

     46. On every giant computer
There should be only one working button.
Computers are classified as
indestructible items.

     47. If your game has cameras
security systems, make sure that
they made noise for exactly 60 seconds. If
the security guard who heard the alarm came running
and didn’t find you, then when the siren subsides,
he should return to his place like
nothing has happened, even if he is already 50
once before I heard an alarm and came running
to this place.

     48. If during dialogues people are in
your game will not open its mouth
(ventriloquism in shooters is standard),
be sure to make them like
You could gesticulate more forcefully with your hands. This
will distract the player's attention from the fact that
that mouths do not open.

     49. Anyone who smokes cigars is a villain.
If the main character smokes cigars, then he
he just looks cruel, but he has heart
golden  (Note: skinny people never
do not smoke cigars).

     50. If you have run out of ideas for
level design, be sure to do
a map consisting of only one flying
platforms.   Jumping on these platforms
will occupyplayer for so long that this
it will seem as if this level
really big.

     translation from English - Dima Smirnov
(aka Spectator)