Deja Vu #06 30 сентября 1998

Юмор

Seven and 1 / 2 - Guessing on cockroaches (Advice to a beginning hunter).

 What everyone should know about weapons of cockroach

           mass destruction.



                 Introduction



   Remember how happy progressive
cockroaches, when a man entered our lives?
He seemed to permanently solve all household
problems - everywhere will be warm, be dirty,
cheap food. But as it turned out, the person
may be not only a friend, but a deadly enemy, when getting out 
of cockroach control. And then come to our home sickness, 
destruction, death. 

   Enough to remember though, would be much
ills brought sneakers "Kid," "Fat Man"
dropped down on the heads of civilians
kitchen and bathroom in 1945! Today, at
Earth has already accumulated so much death
shoes and poisons that could be hundreds of times-
destroy all tarakanchestvo! Briefly review the main types of 
Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) and rules of conduct of 
cockroaches in the event of a man. 


                  Slipper



   Sneakers (shoes, boots, sandals, bast,
spike) is the oldest and most common type of WMD.

   Lethality sneaker is based on
excessive pressure, in an area
tapkovogo strike. Thus, the pressure at the epicenter
fall sneaker so great that from the cockroach exposed tapkovomu 
shock, remains just a wet spot. * The first sign of danger when 
tapkovoy attack is the light emission from the top,

appears when the characteristic click.
* Following the radiation characteristic sound is heard, "V, 
C-C-bastard !!!", and then in air appears sneakers.

* Roach, first noticed the radiation, the team must submit a 
"Flash TOP !!!". By this command, all the cockroaches are 
obliged to stop all work on zagazhivaniyu kitchen, immediately 
leave the facility and proceed to cover!


   REMEMBER! Ordinary wallpaper weaken
By tapkovogo hit 3-5 times. Linoleum -
10 times. Wooden plinth - 100.
Iron pan is completely protect you
tapkovogo of impact, but does not protect from impact
frying pan. Strong fear increased tenfold force. A case when 
one suddenly funky beetle flipped the plate and

hid under it. (Unfortunately, the hot soup,
was in a plate, cut short the life nameless hero.)


                 Dichlorvos



   Dichlorvos ("Baygon", "Raid", "Egoiste") -
chemical weapons of mass destruction. The main factors 
affecting the dichlorvos are: * A sound wave ("zilch").

* Directed dihlofosnoe radiation (aerosol wave).
* Residual odor (evicting gas).

   A sound wave travels at the speed of sound across the 
kitchen, striking unprotected ears, cockroaches, sow disease 
decibels. Directed dihlofosnoe radiation and residual odor 
cause cockroaches dizziness and hallucinations, temporary 
disability. Typically, individuals are regularly exposed to 
dichlorvos, there is a psychophysiological dependence on 
nego.Takim cockroaches every time you want all the big dose of 
poison. Offspring of cockroaches, as a rule, are becoming drug 
addicts ("sit on the balloon). 

   To protect from dichlorvos use folds mask, respirator.
If under the paw did not have gas masks,
You can use wet sex
cloth or used toilet paper.

   Plays an important role truthful and timely information. 
Remember May Day demonstration in the kitchen in 1986? Thousands

cockroaches were on the floor, smiling, not knowing
that the content of those evicted dioxide in the air
exceeds all acceptable norms. And the leaders already knew 
everything, and yet, too smiled at the demonstrators, waving 
mustache Bread! ..


   REMEMBER that orient in a complex
situation, do not succumb to panic, you can help
radio and television. Climbing into the TV or radio, you will 
be able to hide from the effects of any WMD.



                 CLEANLINESS



   Clean is the most vile and terrible
WMD. Make sure that the purity is not seeped into your 
permanent residence. 

   Clean induced housing cockroaches
by brooms, mops, rags. Most
terrible support is so clean
called "miracle mop" (by force umoynoy
exceed 100 times the broom, a mop in the usual 10 times, 
sexually wet rag - 1 times).


   To protect the purity, try
not to provoke people - do not let
negligence in dealing with their own feces! Never leave them on 
the shelves, dishes, towels. For storage of faeces quite 
suitable buckwheat, tea, crackers.



                EVACUATION


* Evacuation plan should be hung in a conspicuous
place (for plinth, near a slop pail,
on the back of the cupboard with food), but not
the eyes of the man!
* During the evacuation should be used before ventilation 
passages explored a complete profile. (Do not clutter them!) In 
such speeds can go without bending to the total

growth. On the way to denote the small dark balls place halts, 
turns, resting places and food intake. * Zone-infected Chinese 
pencil must be overcome, without touching them

legs (jump, roll on
back and fly to flies, mosquitoes).
* Do not drink unboiled water from the tap! Firstly, it is 
teeming with bacteria, and secondly, you can wash down the 
drain! Therefore, drinking, bathing should only be in 
reservoirs with boiling water - in a pot pots, plates. In this 
case, on the shore should be two attendants - medical 
instructor and lifeguard. 

   Isolates exposed to weapons of mass destruction,
should follow in the nearest computer center. There, in the 
computer system unit and the comfort of the fan, they can 
quickly fix poor health. 

                                                     (C) Red 
Burda'96 -----------------------------------------********* 
********************************* 
----------------------------------------- 


           Guessing on the cockroach


1. Catch a cockroach in the kitchen and take a look closely at 
him.  If a cockroach vigorous and healthy, so at home you have 
everything in order.  If a cockroach weakly - Get your wife: 
she feeds you badly.  If the cockroach is a strictly black-type 
- you waiting for a promotion.

 If the red-haired cockroach - in love with you blond.
 If the green cockroach is to big money in the currency.
 If the cockroach moves his mustache all the time - you
energetic man, can not sit without
case.
 If a cockroach froze - you philosopher, recluse.
 If a cockroach only occasionally twitches -
you need to frequently visit the open air.
 If the cockroach has a surprise appearance - those around you 
a little unappreciated.  If a cockroach scared - you're a 
person who can their views.

 If the cockroach is bright blue, horned and says
human voice, you have delirium tremens.

2. Now measure the cockroach
 If the width is less than 1 cm cockroach - on you
You can rely on in family life.
 If the length is greater than 3 cm cockroach - you are a man 
looking.  If the wingspan is the length of a cockroach

your nose - you're a person curious.
 If the total length of the whiskers is a cockroach
sesquioxide length of his body, multiplied by
square root of the diameter of its belly and
divided by the logarithm of the number of his feet -
you thorough and meticulous person.
 If cockroach legs are evenly distributed throughout the body - 
you just in case seem a psychiatrist.  If the length of a 
cockroach is equal to its width, then it's bug. 

3. Release the cockroach
 Ecli he will run to you straight - you have
everything is still ahead.
 If he starts to rush out sorony aside - fear of random 
acquaintances.  If he will run to the left - you will be an 
exciting encounter with the beautiful stranger.  If the right - 
Get the affairs of life: You podsizhivayut.

 If he would rush back to you - oh, you're an interesting 
person, spocobny charm anyone.  If he does not run, then it

died. Catch the next cockroach and start all over again.
-----------------------------------------********* 
********************************* 
----------------------------------------- 


       TIPS beginning hunters



   1. Bring pyzhe. Ryzhe - is
an oblong object, which in
Clicking on kryuchochek makes a great "bang!".
Sometimes a big "bang" and make drygie subjects, but finally 
arrived without pressing kryuchochek. 

   2. Take the ammo-pyzhe without shoots only on the stage.

   3. Take the body armor - remember that you
hunting is not one.

   4. Take aptechky - and sometimes body armor does not help.

   5. Insure - this will help your
family survive the grief, and first-aid kit if you do not
save.

   6. Take just slychay ydochky -
can be with her you better luck. Rod also has prodolgovatyyu 
formy and kryuchochek, but when you click on it big "bam!" You 
do it yourself. This is its main difference from pyzhya.


   7. Take also knitting - it yspokaivaet and helps pass the 
time. 

   8. Take the Book - it may be useful to you rastopky.

   9. Take parochky kyrits - if not lucky, bydet that show his 
wife. 

   10. Take the match - when the run out
supplies, you can light a signal fire.

   11. Take zazhigalky, with its help you
will always be able to burn Moist matches.

   12. Take karty. Look, if she sootvetstvyet areas. If you do 
not sootvetstvyet - change the terrain. 

   13. If y you have only a general map
world - take a microscope.

   14. Take the compass - with his help in
sunny day, you can specify the time.

   15. Take the clock - they have you in pomogyt
sunny day to determine the compass.

   16. Take the trap - an indispensable
tool marks on the ground. If you
want to mark some place - safely leave the trap there. Then, 
even in the the dark, got into this place, you easily

remember.

   17. Bring zheny that it does not
dymala that you actually went to
mistress. It is ridiculous to expect that the availability of 
game it will pereybedit. Yes, you and y on his return bydet 
less reason for suspicion.


   18. Bring your children - talk to
Nature ennobles. Yes and the apartment bydet goals.

   19. Not zabydte in this slychae and gazovyyu plity - hardly 
your wife will agree cook on takyyu oravy at the stake.


   20. Grab the same time and teschy - her one
home bydet skychno and nothing better to do it
certainly devised against you kakyyu-nibyd muck. By tomy same 
slychai hunting ... In general, the need to understand 
themselves. 

   21. Tests also take with them, otherwise
podymaet mother-in-law, that you conspired with him and
ystraivaete ohoty just for the sake of
untie emy pyki. Test, of course, then
pervyyu fall into place, but you do not pozavidyesh.

   22. Be sure to invite your neighbors: envy - bad chyvstvo, 
and the door because mogyt and burn.


   23. Not zabydte and soslyzhivtsah - unless, of
Of course, intend to return to continue raboty in the same 
place. 

   24. Bring something nibyd chyzhoe:
if vdryg zablydites - You will be
otyschyt. Chyzhogo or owner, or the police.

   25. Take yzh and everything else-all the same because there 
is not much, but something nibyd certainly come in handy. 


   So, you've got together and went to ohoty. Not
zabydte stock up on reference books and photographs - or as you 
yznaete that for the animal you met? Just in slychay remember: 

   - If the animal flies, it is likely
bird, and if only runs, it soon
just a beast;

   - If the animal does not fly and does not run, and
tied for verevky - is likely to
pet. Hunting for them is not prohibited, but is fraught with 
many troubles; 

   - If the animal runs and then has
Wings-look if there are nearby housing
then it kyritsa;

   - If the animals are many and they all moo -
do not rush to shoot, you can get
in pastyha;

   - If you hear a drawn-out kystov
"Be-ee ...", then kystah may be a goat, and
can - and came out to find her owner.


   Once you shoot, look carefully at ty storony, kyda was sent 
dylo your pyzhya. If you do nikyda not hit-you krypno lucky, it 
is possible that you avoid krypnyh trouble. If you were not 
tyda, kyda were aiming, try to remember-and kyda you actually 
were aiming. If you 've come tyda, kyda were aiming - vokryg 
look back, most likely you were aiming tyda not alone. 

   Now prislyshaytes. Zvyki after shots are dangerous and not 
dangerous. From harmless you figure it out, but dangerous mogyt 
be sledyyuschie: 

   a) loud cries punctuated pygatelstvami if you are at the 
hunter, or the mushroom picker drygogo hunter; 

   b) screams loud, happy, if you are involved in zheny or 
teschy hunters, mushroom or drygogo hunter;


   c) the plaintive cries, howled, if you
hit the sobstvennyyu sobaky;

   d) The cries of angry and shrill, if you
caught in something that just going to have breakfast boar;

   e) The cries of low and hoarse, if you otshibli y elk 
antlers; 

   e) The cries of frequent, abrupt, passing
zaynyvnye in if you are involved in driving the deer;

   g) heart-rending roar when you hit the yley
y bear's nose;

   h) The rising curve, if you got on the plane.


   In conclusion, give you rekomendyemyyu
sequence of actions when hunting with
dogs:

   1) Spystit pritravlennyyu the beast syky;

   2) Spystit pritravlennogo syky for males;

   3) Spystit kyrok;

   4) Spystit everything else.


   And the last. Taking into account the conversion of all
consequences emanating therefrom, not sovetyem
You hunt:

   - With a grenade launcher - is unlikely you ystroit
that eventually will be on production;

   - With severe orydiyami - production may
be too large and not one
what do you expect, especially if you hunt
nepodaleky from human pynktov;

   - The tank - they produced shym raspygivaet animals and 
lures unemployed tractor that you are played to interfere;


   - The missile surface-to-earth "- Your production can be in 
drygom polysharii and the road before it will fly you in 
kopeechky. By tomy was there mogyt you misunderstand. 
-----------------------------------------********* 
********************************* 
----------------------------------------- 


               K Y N A U:


* Gas ​​balloon with venereal bolez
  nyami
* A copy of the Great Wall on a scale

  1:1
* Automobile Glass "Razpleks", "Two
  plex, "" Triplex "
* Manual juicer "Othello"
* Baby stroller with enameled lid
* Fiberglass and patterns for sewing water
  Baths Costume
* Women's shoes for a boy
* Book with transparent letters
* Children's albums for coloring PLAY
  BOY
* Sugar (two dune)
* Panamku iron with a hole for pigtails
* Fog flashers for miners

  First Aid
* Men's suit (a double-breasted, three-deck)
* Bag of black caviar
* Children's rattles, with 20 decibels
* Toffee with inserts
* Urinals under Gzhel
* Guide to sausage pruning
* Floppy disks for domestic timber accounts
* New bags under your eyes
* Rubberized wedding dress
* Gold-plated chain to the bike, "Ukraine"
* Pish.mashinku Yairan with Arabic script
* Straitjacket r.44 jaunty

  Coloring
* Insulting acid (cysts).
* Coffee in capsules
* Window frames with sea views
* Consignment of cigarettes, "the President, please do not

  offer "Kravchuk" and "Boris Yeltsin"
* Slate of one-wave
* Set for manual molding otmazok
* Tsv.tv. Electron, Proton, Neutron, "with

  gamma-emitter for nuclear satellite
  curve antenna
* Cigarette imp.s menthol validol, DJ
  Medrol and Papazol
* Coat of velvet upholstery
* Enamel for teeth white, 4 banks
* Hose watering "netting"



    A bit of advertising:


   Top "Book World" offers a new
Books:
- Toaster Treasure
- "The Kid and Cavities"
- "The Captain's kidney"
- "Gone with the tornado"
- "Wheezing in the Thorn"


   Set of "All for the money changers":
- Uniform (leather jacket, pants Lax)
- Lapel Network Calculator with straps
- Plaster casts of currencies of different countries
- Cassette (90 min.) Continuous recording

  word "dollars ... Marochko ..."
- A collection of "excuses for the police"


              P R O D A M:


* Air conditioners "Last Breath", ensure
  equation describing the vacuum in the room for 8 seconds
* Toilet bowl with a direct outflow of the drain bachek
* Gas ​​chamber, converted for

  cooking meat patties
* Tea-service "Chefir, coffee service

  "Kefir", soup service "greedily"
* Barbecue "Sunshine"
* 2-volume edition of "Pearls of the People's stupidity"
* Bicycles "Schoolboy", "Student", "Aspi
  Runt, "" The Dean "
* Spiral filament female
* New shell ear, a white, porcelain
* Puppy Middle Asian, South Afrikaans
  Coy, long-Moorish shepherds, as well as

  Russian rock-thieves
* Length denim boots on
* Vietnamese (Vietnam), the Czech (Czech Republic) burkas

  Shaped (Burkina Faso) and boots (Val

  on commission earned)
* Dengosos "Racket"
* Muslim-edged boards
* Camouflage jacket lined with

  roofing
* Matyuk wholesale, for all occasions
* Wooden ties with pin-bumps

  and a fastener-squirrel
* Black and white TV, "Rainbow"
* Boxing gloves from the swan's down
* Cordless telephone for the deaf
* Refrigerator "Africa-8"
* Boots soluble
* Lek.Dermohrenolin a loaf
* Locker under the piano
* Bike Desna-2 with handlebars Glanda-3
* Pipeline Urengoy-Pomary-Uzhgorod, self
  vykop
* Acne protivokamarinye injections
* Pot with one handle, two noses and

  three mouths, eyes absent
* TV in black and white, red, blue, yellow
  then-Blakitnaya
* New solid corner
* Chair konchalku
* Loofah with program management
* Chainsaw "Hostility"
* Metallic scarf
* Cigarette filling
* Precast house 7h10 m, 2 floors, 5 rooms,

  3 roof, 8 inputs (5 blacks, 2 whites and 1

  front), 3 inputs to the turnstiles and 6 with

  shlagbaumami.17.5 windows overlooking the cellar

  garage for 3 excavator, the house spiral
  Naya runway for the pattern pieces
  GOVERNMENTAL airplanes and sandbox 9x12 m,
  unoccupied gravel, going home with 3

  generations
* Knitting machine "Neva-YES" for knitting

  knots
* Spy drain pipe
* Hearing aids (stereo, equalizer

  and the ability to repeat heard)
* Patent leather high-heeled flipper
* Double coffin
* Puppy nem.ovcharki rolls 15 sq.m
* Direction indicators home (there are wild)
* Engagement ring in his nose
* Panties of toilet paper
* Dolbatelnuyu typewriter "Woodpecker"
* Imported cigarettes with low-frequency

  filter and an automatic injection Nico
  Tina in the lungs
* Batch import of waste
* Hair color of sunsets on o.Honsyu (min.par
  Tiy 30 pieces)
* Putty Donald
* Mink coat cropped at "zero"
* Bagel-gum from natural Moscow

  GUM
* Color photo-album "Leaning Tower"

  bashlyat in Pisani
* Couch galvanized 1x1x1 with at
  bivkoy of the connecting rod bearings and indigenous

  Australian Bearings
* Officers calf boots with ski credit
  captivated
* Plastic raincoat rain parkas
* Drum roll
* Pish.mashinku Yatran: rus.shrift, wide

  carriage, large keys, cool thing,

  but the handwriting is awful
* Dog, a boxer, the power 3 wire
* Accordion for spare parts
* Det.kolyasku "Malvina" det.gorshok Buran
  Tino and diapers "Papa Carlo
* Siphon and tablet Trykhopol thereto
* VERY soft corner "Prodavlinka"
* Piano, Ukraine - 5 MGB Memory
* Baby with the bath tsentrifigoy
* Observation pit 3x5 in the women's bath for $

-----------------------------------------********* 
********************************* 
-----------------------------------------